Tuesday, October 11, 2011

If You Don't Like What You See, That Means Nothing to Me

Its awfully early for bright and shining moments of clarity, but there you have it. If you're my friend on Facebook, you're already going to have heard this bit of news. You know how facebook makes suggestions of friends to you? Well, it keeps suggesting BBD as a friend for me. Now, after looking at that stupid thing long enough, I did what any normal person would do....I clicked on the link to his profile page. It is in this manner I discovered a message left to him on his wall by one of his female friends, in which she refers to me as "she who must not be named"

This is funny. Really funny. In part because I don't see myself as evil at all. In part because its just such a cool nickname. In some ways though, its sad, too. Not for me, don't get me wrong, I'm as happy as can be, but I think its sad that BBD hasn't moved on to the point where he feels free to mention my name without an emotional meltdown. I also think its sad his friends have nothing better to do than make fun of me three some odd years after I stopped being a part of his life.

What was interesting, though, is that in this wall post, this person mentioned that she wondered what I would say if she knew what she had really thought of me.

Cue crying. Only kidding. It comes as no shock to me that most of his friends only pretended to like me. Honestly, I acted so out of the way of my normal character when I was with BBD I didn't like me. But, in the interest of honesty, and putting it all out there, this is what Iwould have said if she had asked me that to my face:

I think it takes a really shallow and lonely person to lie to someone about whether or not they like them.

I think that a good friend would have told BBD that I was a bad person and bad for him rather than going to the store to pick out an engagement ring with him. If she were a true friend, she would have stopped him.

I think that I was a different person back then, and she doesn't have any right to make fun of me. She didn't know me then, she sure as hell doesn't know me now. I don't drink now, I don't go out, I don't party. Also, I don't worry about money, or starving, or whether or not my partner is going to physically abuse me. I don't worry about anything, anymore. But then, maybe, if someone had gathered up what little courage they had to tell me they thought I was a waste of space you could have saved him a lot of heartache and my liver a lot of its pickling.

I'd tell her that given the pathetic, lovelorn notes that BBD was sending me via email, where she was reading my responses for him, that if she were a good friend she would have grown a pair and told him I said to get lost so he wouldn't keep emailing me. I'd have told him that I'm a bitch, a terrible person and bad for him and refused to enable his emotionally crippling habit.

I'd also tell her that I feel sorry for her. One, its been three years. Move on. And help your friend to move on. Why would anyone make that emotional situation worse, especially given his and his family's prediliction for depression, alcoholism and drug abuse? I'd tell her if she does, or doesn't, like the girl he's seeing now, do her a favor and tell her. Be an adult.

Finally, I'd tell her that the whole reason she spent all those years chasing guys she never could catch were wasted. The reason they never paid attention to you is because you have no self confidence. If you had even a semblance of a spine you'd have caught them. You'd have run me off. We'd all be happier people. Then again, if you had a semblance of a spine, you'd have realized most the guys you chased after werent fit to wipe your shoes anyway.

But that's just me.

Hooray for moments when I realize how far I've come. To my friends, thanks for being there for me.