Thursday, June 30, 2011

Wishlist For My Lover

Tonight its easier to just tell you what I want. I don't mean for this to be romantic, or pretty, or sweet. If you find it so, my love, then I am glad. But I feel like I must tell you plainly how I feel.

I want your voice. Its rich, and warm and sexy. I want the sound of it in my ear all night. I want you to whisper secrets to me, to tell me things you've never told anyone else. I want you to trust me tonight, to make me your confidante.

I want to drive with you. I want the windows down and my hair blowing free. I want you to sing with me to the radio, and not care if we're on key or what we're listening to. When we're together, it seems like all songs were written for us- both the sweet and the sad. While we drive, take my hand. Hold it in yours. I don't care that its hot out, I don't care if we sweat. I only want to know that you're there, and holding me close. The press of your hand is one of the most comforting things in the world to me. When you twine your fingers with mine, I know I am safe, and loved.

i want to find somewhere quiet and lay down with you. In the grass, on a couch or in a bed. I don't care where it is. I want the press of your head on my shoulder while I talk to you. I want the smell of your hair and your sweat and your cologne on my body. I want to run my fingers through your hair, stroking your scalp and tickling your neck. I want to feel you wiggle beneath me, and laugh. I love the sound of your laugh- throaty and slow and rough. I want to make you laugh over and over, until your face is buried in my chest and you are smothering the sound of your mirth against me.

Kiss me, then. Kiss me slow and soft and don't stop. Kiss me like you're teasing me. Kiss me like this is the last time you'll see me again. Kiss me with all the passion I think you bury deep in yourself for me, let me see it at last. Oh, I know, I know that you love me. You tell me all the time. But tonight, tonight I want to feel it. I want to feel it in your lips on mine, in your tongue playing across my lips and your teeth tearing gently at me until I am gasping for you. Show me tonight that I am the most special thing you've ever known. Show me tonight that you're glad to be mine, because I have always been happy to be yours. Let me taste all over you that you need me as much as you say you do.

Kiss me until it is your very last kiss, until you haven't a kiss left. After that, kiss me once more. And when you have finished, hold me close to you. I want to drift away on the sound of your heartbeat. I want to be rocked to sleep on the lullabye of your breath. Tonight I want your hands to be the last thing I think of as they touch my face, my neck, and my hair. Pull me close, and let me feel you.

When I let go tonight, I want it to be with you near me. You are in my heart. You always have been. Tonight, I want you to show me I'm in yours too.

My love.

My sweet.

My pulse.


My Weekend

Happy last day of June, friends! I hope July is a beautiful month for all of you. Honestly, some of June was awesome, but I'm glad for a new month- and new experiences to go with it.

Today was so much fun. I had two days off in a row, which i loved, beacuse it gave me a chance to really relax. We got up this morning and went to our favorite breakfast dive to eat. I had a waffle covered in strawberries and blueberries. I was able to eat it without getting sick, so that was an epic moment strait away. Now, I was disappointed because there were no breakfast cupcakes today, only chocolate banana scones, but I lived with it.

After we had taken care of some errands we met up with Kitten's sister, Cat, and went to a little hidden away spring we know about. It was awesome. We whiled away the afternoon there, playing in the seriously cold water and relaxing. Afterwards we went and got some italian before giving Cat our love as she headed back to her hometown, some three hours away. I was really glad to see her. It was nice. It had been since Christmas for me, because I was seriously sick the last time she and her husband were in town. I wish they lived closer to us, she's a lot of fun.

I did have one slightly traumatic moment today, I saved a kitten. One of our strays gave birth, and most of the babies didn't make it. There was one live one, though, that we found. It was still attached by the umbilical cord to one of its siblings that didn't make it. I had to tie off the cord and cut it so the live kitten didn't bleed to death. Not my favorite moment. The mother cat thought I was trying to hurt the kitten so she was trying to carry it off. Of course, the girls had gone for a walk so I was doing this all by myself. I almost cried while I was washing my hands afterwards. I'm turning into such a girl!

In other, less icky news, we went skating last night. This isn't a huge suprise, if you know us. Oscelot and I go to the rink almost every Wednesday. What is big, for me, anyway, is I finished my first speedskate. In case you aren't familiar, there is a point in every session where they clear everyone off the floor and they open it up to people who want to skate fast. Really fast. Up until yeserday, I hadn't done it. Well, I did once when were were skating with Lifeguard. I felt saef getting out there while she and one of the other derby girls, Cyclops, were skating. But I felt inadequate and I stepped off after two laps.

Last night I had a revelation. I keep talking about how much I want to do roller derby. Part of that is learning how to skate fast. Granted, it is much more than speed skating. It is a hundred other things. BUT I figured if I was going to whine I had better put up or shut up. So I put up. I told Oscelot I was going to do it. I was nervous. I almost chickened out. But, we reasoned, the worst that could happen was I would fall over, and then its over. I have to get up and keep skating.

Guess what? I fell. Like, in the first turn. I felt like a loser. But I was counting, and I was up in two seconds (that's derby regulation there) and I got back on my skates and finished out the speed session. Now, I can report two things. I have my first rink rash. I'm going to have to go buy a new pair of capri length leggings, because I tore them all to hell. The bruise this morning doesn't feel so spectactular. I'm not going to lie...The other thing is my respect for the roller girls went through the ceiling. Its hard! I really need to work on getting into shape. I know some of those girls smoke way more than I do, and my chest from center to throat felt like it was on fire by the time I was done. I was feeling it for about three songs afterwards. I don't know how they do it. Never doubt- those ladies are athletes of the highest order. I love them more now than ever before.

So that's my "weekend." I get to gear up for the fourth of July festivities this week. By that I mean i get to prepare to be bored at work and not do anything the night of the fourth. Tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have done anything anyway. I'm not a huge fan of fireworks, for personal reasons...

I hope everyone is finishing out their week in style.


PS- I highlighted my hair yesterday too. I'll probably have a picture up of it sometime soon.

Monday, June 27, 2011

If there was no you

Today I actually had a pretty good day at work. Tell you the truth, had we been busier and I had made more money, it would have been one of the best days I've ever had. Our crew was awesome. We had a good host. She's new, so she's not burnt out, she smiles, she helps out. Honestly, probably too much. I can't even get the table out the door before she's got the table clened and reset. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Oscelot was working with me. Mr. Boss was managing, which is always low-key. On the floor with me and Oscelot was Hgril and Rogue.

Now, Rogue and I may have had our differences in the past, but working with her is always fun when she's waitressing and not hosting. She's a good stocker, she's efficient, she's a great server (and I say that honestly, she's a better server than I am, truly) and she's usually in a pretty good mood. Today she was in a great mood, so she was a blast to work with.

I spent most of the morning laughing with my coworkers. It kept me flowing through what would have otherwise been an incredibly boring morning. I did have one table come in, and they made my morning. One of the guys at the table was young, and pretty funny. He was one of those customers that alternates between being really nice and giving you a hard time because they think its funny. It was funny, too. He gave me one hell of a time, but I didn't mind. It kept me entertained. When I gave him the check he was indignant I only wrote thank you at the top. While I got him change I wrote a note on the back of his receipt. "What I meant to say was: Thank you very very very much. I hope you have a really great day and you will come back and see me again. Is that better?" I drew a smiley face. I went back to the table afterwards and he had left me a 50% tip with a note of his own. "You're very welcome. I will. And I'll think a about it. A bit." and his initials. It made me laugh. Its customers like that that make the day go by faster. I wish I had ten more just like him every day.

I was pretty happy when I got off work. We came home and I got to do all those boring domestic things that no one cares about. We cuddled Kitten, made dinner, I got my ass beat in twelve successive games of Uno. It was painful. I read a bunch of roller derby blogs, and got lost in talk over strategy and such. It made me pretty happy. I've downloade a podcast with our local rollergirls on a local radio show. I'm going to listen to it whenever the girls go to bed, because its loud, and on the computer, and I don't want to bug them while they do their thing.

So that's my day.

I have had time in the last couple of weeks, however stressed I am, to figure out a few things. One of them is that I am very lucky to have the partners I have. I've been going through quite a bit emotionally, on top of being really stressed about work and not going to school, or the possibility that I might go to school, or whatever. I've had to take some time for serious reflection about myself. I've also been sick as hell. For whatever reason (probably stress) I can't seem to go more than a day or so without getting a migraine. This is really unusual since I'd gotten them down to next to nothing. I also can't seem to keep food in my body. Anytime I eat I end up sick to my stomach, one way or another. Its not plesant. I'd hedge my bets I'm losing weight. And while losing weight is somethign I want to do, this is deinately not the way I was wanting to do it, because I can't exercise or tone if I'm too sick to eat.

The fact that my two ladies have sat beside me and held my hair, or my hand or whatever body part I've needed held without complaint for two solid weeks is really awesome. I don't think many people have one partner, let alone two, that would do that for them. They've put up with me being extremely mopey and whiney. They even tolerated the two-day drug induced haze I was in when I finally broke down and took some medication for my headaches. They worked me through my first big ritual as a Wiccan, they supported me even when they knew I probably ought to be in bed resting rather than outside, playing aruond a fire and dancing. I've never seen two more patient women. Add to that the fact that I haven't really been engaged emotionally with them because I'm tired and they have issues they need work on too, and you see why I feel like I am such a lucky woman.

I've also learned that I have a couple of really, really awesome friends. Sakura and Perpet have listened to me bitch and whine for the better part of two weeks. Perpet tolerated a phone call from me while I was completely blazed on pain medication, and she talked to me (or rather, let me talk at her) for nearly an hour. I've gotten some good advice from both of them, and some much needed moral support.

Also, I might mention, Sakura was feeling poorly today, and if you're the type that prays, I'd be extremely grateful if you said one for him. He's an awesome person, and I hate to think of him in any type of pain.

I've learned that I'm a much needier person than I thought I was. I knew, I've always known, that I am an emotionally needy person. I've always been terribly engaged in everything. At times it makes me a trifle immature, and almost always it gets me into trouble. I have a bad habit of following my heart wherever the hell it thinks it needs to go, and most of the time, its not going anywhere happy. I used to think of myself as a relatively cold person, if I don't love you I really dont care. I think this is a defense mechanism, because I do love so many people its too easy for me to end up torn up. I hate that, because then I spiral into that I need someone to comfort me and make things better for me mode, and that's not cool.

I also realized what went wrong wtih Rogue and I's relationship. Iwon't go into details. Its not important now. But- I'll say this, I know we're both the blame, we both could have handled the situation better, but I think most of the blame rests at my door. I truly feel guilty about how I behaved with her, and though I've apologized I feel like I ought to do more. Sadly, I know there isn't. I can chalk this one up to experience. I've got a great coworker in her, but I'll never have the great friend that I once had. Its my loss, and I am sorry for it.

I also discovered that there is a lot more strength in me than I thought. I have found that there are a lot of things a few years ago i wouldn't have wanted to bear up under that now I can. I don't even mind it. I've found that there are things worse than hurting. There are things that are worse than pain, worse even, than loss. I can cope. I think I've learned that i have the ability to move on with my life when I don't feel like it. I said this to someone not too long ago- that whatever happens to you, you can't stop moving. You have to keep going because the world keeps going whatever happens to you. All you can do is pick up, shoulder teh burden, and move on. There is no staying in place, there is no moving backwards. Not if you truly want to live. I want to live. I want the fullest life I can manage. Honestly, I want a life so full I'm not sure I can manage. That's what living is all about.

Thanks to my family and friends, I've also learned that there isn't really an end to a dream. Not if you don't want it to be over. I hang my hat on that star. I know I am tonight. There are things I want that feel so out of reach to me right now that it steals the breath from me just to think of them. But I think of them anyway, because the moment I let go is the moment I completely fail myself. I'm not stopping. There isn't enough no's in the world to make me quit. I've got so much better in me than I have, than I am right now. I refuse to settle for the me I am. I want the better me. I think its the one my partners love. Its the one my friends see. They see me, but they also see what I could be, what I want to be, and they love me for it.

I've said it before, I'll never tire of saying it. Damn, I am one lucky woman.


What's in a name?

I'm planning on doing an actual post later, but I have to share with you the way I've been amusing myself in my spare time for the last week or so.

See, I want to play roller derby, but I know the liklihood of that is somewhere between slim and nothing. So, as a way of amusing myself in my spare time I've been debating with the girls a name if I were a rollergirl. I thought I would share with you some of the ones we've come up with. (I'm including the taglines or jersey numbers when we've thought of them)

I also have to add, I know some of these are probably already taken. I didn't check the database they keeps track of what names are already in use because you cant take a name that's already been chosen unless the girl releases the name to you.

Anyway. Here they are.

Hallmark Shards "You won't get greetings, sympathy or well wishes from this girl"
Sara Pain and Tall
Kim Shady "Can she have your attention please?"
Colt Fortified
Hard-Knock Cathae "She's got you on the menu tonight, served with a side of rink rash!"
Beast Infection (number 666)
Rammin Noodle (The girls think this one is hilarious since I have a ramen fixation)
Tragic 8-Ball "We asked before the bout, and her answer was 'outcome not favorable'"
Jailhouse Block
Porcelain Maul
Annie Choakley
Pauncho Villian
Otis Spankmonster "Her muffin leaves a bruise!"
Dez Astor
Mood Poison (number 8N0M)
Scarlett O'Scareya
Carrie Plotter
Malice Cullen
Hella Swan
Drama Mean
Ariel Assault
Voodoo Maul
Georgia O'Queefe (that one is Kitten's. Oscelot says its disgusting.)
Tyra Shanks
May-kill Boltin'

Anyways. I'm going to start a little sidebar with these in them. I'll probably add more from time to time. I hope they amuse you.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Echoes of The Kiss

Even after all this time, there are echoes of you in my mind.

As i was laying in bed last night, I thought of you. I remembered the night I finally called you out, and I didn't think you would do it. I remember the sound of the bar around me, and the taste of the beer in mymouth when I got your message. I remember laughing to myself as I sent you one back, telling you how lucky you were not to be with me. Three beers in, I was feeling brave enough to make a move.

Why is that bad? Why would that make you lucky? I remember you asking me.

Because you've never wanted me. I remember my answer so clearly. And then you.

I never said that.

I reeled. Then I called you out.

Prove it.

My phone rang almost immediately. You didn't even need to ask where I was. All you said was "I'll be there in five minutes. You better be waiting for me outside."

I tabbed out. I knew you were just coming to take me home. You didn't want me driving. You didn't want me to ride home with my friends. You were being good to me, playing me with my affection for you.

But when I jumped in your car, you took my hand. I remember the circles you traced on my wrist as you drove. How you shushed me when I tried to talk, walking your fingers up and down my arm before twining them with mine. You rolled down the windows and the cool spring air moved through my hair and yours. I watched your face- mute, unreadable as always. You gave away nothing. I could have not been there, except you were holding my hand and driving me home.

When we pulled in my drive I remember the look on your face as you turned to look at me. I'll never forget it because I only saw it once. In all the time I've known you, I only saw it the one time. Need.

"Do you still feel brave?"
"Then kiss me."

I leaned in, expecting you to laugh at me, but you didn't. When your mouth slid over mine and your arms went around my wasit I know that time stopped. I know it did, because that kiss went on forever. You never stopped, never paused. You kissed me and you kissed me and I couldn't breathe from the sense of relief and longing and you didn't seem to feel it because you were lost in your own. You kissed me until my lips were sore, until I couldn't take another moment.

You took my hand, kissed it, and went around to get the door for me. You walked me all the way to my front door. Then you kissed each of my eyelids, and you told me goodnight.

I don't know why I thought of it last night. There was nothing to remind me of it. But, as I fell asleep, you were there and I wondered where you had come from after all this time.

We were so many things together. But together was forever ago.

Where did you come from last night?
Why was it you?
I don't miss you...but I think I might miss that kiss.

Double Header Delight

Right. So before you think I'm being naughty again, look at the pictures. This post is about roller derby.

Last night was the first home bout for my team since they became WFTDA certified. It was something I was really excited for. I'm pretty sure I mentioned I was going earlier this week. I took the time on Thursday to make the shirt you see me in. It's one of their old logos, and i added a few sequins, because I'm a huge girl.

I was really thankful that I had last night off so I was able to go. Nothing's more annoying than wanting to go watch a good bout and not being able to because you're stuck at work. Either way, as soon as we were off we headed home and got dressed. After dinner we pulled into the lot at the rink where the bout was taking place. it was already packed. We had to park way in the back. In fact, if you look closely at the photo of me and Kitten, you can see we are parked almost behind the rink. I'm not sure where everyone else who showed up less than an hour before the bout ended up parking.

We were super excited because some of our friends were playing in the bouts. We know some of the roller girls because Oscelot used to play, and so we had the opportunity to get to know them before she ended up leaving because there simply isn't enough time in the day for her to do it. It makes us sad. She loved it, and I loved watching her. Of course, it is nice to go to a bout and not have to worry that the woman you love could be broken in half by some monstrous blocker, but hey- that's derby. Then again, I love all the roller girls I know, so I'm still a bit on pins and needles when they're on the floor anyway.

When we got inside I got a chance to talk to a few of the girls before the first bout. I don't know if I mentioned it, but both of our teams were playing. It was a double header. (derby all night long? yes, please)
We watched the warm up, and I'm not going to lie, the girls on the first team (Route 66 Roller Girls, from Amarillo Tx) looked pretty scary. Turns out, the last time our team captain had played them she ended up with a broken collar bone. Ouch. Either way, we were totally psyched. Oscelot's derby wife, Anabell Lecter, was playing. We were really excited to watch her first home bout too.

We won the first bout. It was rough, and I think for the first time I got a glimpse of what it was like to watch two really good teams go at it. The Rt. 66 girls were huge, and tough, and watching them play our girls had me biting my fingernails a few times. I had to get a drink of water between bouts, I'd nearly shouted myself hoarse during the first one!

Our All Stars team played second. I can't brag on these girls enough. I watched them last year and was impressed, but this year they seem to be a completely different team. They were playing the Northwest Arkansas All Stars Roller Girls, and they looked just as vicious as Rt. 66. Turns out they were more so! I've never seen so much toughness in one place at one time. But our girls, danm- they're fast, they're tougher and so smart. I was enthralled.

I truly love this sport. There were some moments last night that I couldn't believe. About halfway through the bout one of our girls whipped our jammer, but it wasn't a normal whip- they made a figure eight with their arms and spun in a circle. It was so cool. Not to mention it gave our Jammer and chance to really build some velocity. Two of our players, one a pivot and blocker, the other a jammer, pivot and blocker, are known for getting ejected. As rough as the game got, I was really proud neither of them did- although they both came really close penalty wise. Both of them had some seriously amazing hits during the bouts- you know- the ones that make you cringe and cheer at the same time...I couldn't believe it. Our All Stars won too, and it was a bit of a blowout- but it didn't seem that way during the bout. the NWA All Stars really put up a fight, and sometimes I forgot we were winning, because those girls kept hitting like there was only a 10 point difference in the score...

A couple of fun and interesting moments I must report:

First, most of the derby girls do not scare me. They're really nice, and off the track they are super fun people. There's one, who was actually coaching last night rather than playing (an injury, I think) who is tough as nails. When she's in her gear, I'm terrified of her. Before the first bout i went to the bathroom and when I opened my stall door she was waiting outside it, glaring her trademark glare. I almost shut my stall door again, just to hide. Thinking of it now makes me laugh.

At the halfway point in the first bout I went to the ladies again (its good to get it out of your system when there's no play. I hate missing a jam) and one of the NWA All Stars came in while I was washing my hands. She gave me one of those cocky once-overs and smiled at me. "Hey. What's up?" I blushed from head to toe. I'm normally not a blusher, but if I haven't mentioned it- the one thing that turns me from a flirty smart ass to a quivering pile of blushes and giggles is a oood looking roller girl. This one was seriously good looking. I almost melted into my sneakers. When I watched her play later I reconsidered, because she was a seriously badass chick- but I giggled all the way back to my spot in the suicide lane...

Also, and this concerns one of our team I don't talk to some of them. I don't know them, or we've only been introduced a couple of times, or we haven't been introduced at all and I only know them by how they play....Anyhow. One of the girls on our team is awesome. She's a wild, fun loving, amazing player. I always walk the line between roller crushing on her or being completely terrified because she's a rock star and I'm pretty sure she knows it. We were sitting watching the girls run around while the other team was warming up during one of the breaks. She skated by, paused, waved at me and gave me a little wink, and then skated off.
Kitten looks at me and goes "Are you blushing?"
"you're blushing!"
"No, I'm not!"
Maybe I was. See, this girl has had four conversations with me ever. The first was "Nice to meet you." The second was "thanks for the Dr. Pepper." the third was "good to see you again" and the fourth was a brief talk at the front door when we came in last night because she happened to be up there and knows Oscelot. I couldn't figure out why in heavens name she would take the time to single me out. So I was a little suprised, it made me blush. again. (see ref: rollergirls make me blush) The girls totally made fun of me. I don't care. Oscelot says she did it because I'm cute and I got to all the home bouts. I think she's full of it.

And no, I won't tell you who it was, because I know some of the roller girls read my blog, and I am so not letting you take the mickey out of me for thinking she's awesome. (Its NOT a crush!)

Anyway, delightful time had by all. I got some pictures with the girls afterwards, and was totally disappointed we didn't get to go to the after-after party, even though several of the ladies asked us along. I was up for a night of dancing, and man, if I've learned one thing its that those girls know how to have a good time. It would have been fun. Maybe next time.

So, in case you're curious, the pictures.
1. The first one is Oscelot with one of the All Stars- Miss Chetty Boop
2. That's me and Kitten. Obviously.
3. That's me and two of our All Stars- Shotgun Shell and Tiger Beatdown. Shell got the MVP award last night. I thought it was awesome.
I might also mention last night before the bout I watched one of our other girls, Seven Deadly Shins, do a leg whip with Shell. It was so cool. I'm such a dork. But I got all excited because they were doing it again after the bout.

Interestingly enough, and I don't know if she knows it, Lifeguard was in the program last night, listed as one of our players, even though she's out of town. Also, there wasn't a picture, just a sillouette of a girl flexing her biceps. It gave me a good giggle.

So. I'm off to shower and pretend like I'm getting ready to goto another bout, when I really have to get ready for work. Our next home bout is in July. I can't wait.

PS- sorry the formatting is screwed up again, I'm willing, since I posted some nice pictures for you.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


I cried today. Like, I actually cried. Tears. If you know me, then you know that isn't something I do often. Actually, its something I do rarely enough it normally frightens my loved ones to see it.

Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?

I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.

It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?

The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.

I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can You Look Me In The Eye?

Hello friends! i'm back, and feeling much better. I don't even dare read my post from last night. I was so out of it, I'm not sure it made the slightest bit of sense. But now that I'm feeling better I've got a whole list (literally) of things I feel like talking about today. I'm actually heading them, so if something possibly bores you, well, you can skip it. :)

Litha and Accountability

I figured I start out with a Litha recap. I know I wrote a little about it last night. During my few lucid hours yesterday the girls and I went out hunting for allt he things we needed for our coven's ceremony last night. It was a lot of fun. When we got home they dug a firepit in our backyard for the bonfire. It was awesome. They got a little blaze going while Sakura and I set up our makeshift altar table.

When we preformed the ceremony it was awesome. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but given that I was tired and more than a little druggy, I'm not disappointed. Sakura said he actually felt the circle raise when I did it, which is cool. I didn't but then, I'm pretty sure that's because it took most of my energy to do it. I did the ritual, which was wonderful. Today I am feeling really blessed that they let me take a chance on doing it, even though I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. We've all agreed that since we don't have a working high priest or preistess yet, because we are a young coven, that we would take turns doing the rituals. Me getting to do the first one for our coven was absolutely an honor.

I'm already planning how I am going to do my next one, how to make it better. We have another holiday coming up in August, but I'm rather hoping I'll get to take a shot at Samhaim (that's Halloween to most of you). I was actually thinking of asking Sakura to do it in conjunction with me. I think between the two of us, we could raise some seriously awesome power. In the meantime, we have a chance to take the time to practice together and learn our strengths and weaknesses.

I feel really blessed to have such an in touch, wonderful coven.

I might also add, with a slight amount of blushing, yes, since we had a bonfire going and it was a midsummer celebration- I did dance around the fire. Sakura had kindly brouh some appropriate music for us, and I was feeling inspired (again- the meds? The ceremony? Both? I'm unsure) I slipped off my shoes and danced as the sun set around our little bonfire. It was freeing, and beautiful and I was laughing and happy. Even more fun, my beautiful Kitten joined me, and we danced and danced, and stopped just over the spot where we were handfasted, and kissed. Midsummer was truly a dream for us. It was wonderful. For teh record, no, I did not do it naked. I've got neighbors.

I'm also glad Sakura's back. He was in Mexico for a little over a week and I definately felt the lack of his presence. I love him, because for me, he's like a concience. I think Christians use the term "accountability partner" When I feel like I'm about to do something collossaly stupid, he's the one I turn to for advice. He's got a good head on his shoulders and I appreciate his insights. It gives me a chance to think on my actions before I make them. I was talking to Perpet yesterday about that. Technically, since she's my best friend, she should be the one I always turn to when I need advice. But for some things its better to have a second opinion. Perpet and I are on the same wavelength. Soemtimes that means we can get into extra trouble. I might call her up and say "I'm tinking of doing this stupid, passive aggressive thing" and she'll say "Oh, do that- and then do this. That's even better." I usually agree. And while I love having someone who can help me justify why I do things, its even better to have someone there who won't let me.

Angry Chick Songs

I woke up this morning with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" in my head. I'll admit, I don't normally wake up with crbby songs in myhead. Its usually something more mellow, or on a good day, bouncy. However, given that the come-down from the medicine I was on yesterday usually involves me being terribly depressed, I'll take angry songs over mopey ones any day of the week. So I posted the song on my facebook, because that's what I usually do when I've got a song stuck in my head first thing. Turns out one song led to another, and I've been playing angry chick songs in my head all day today. It worked out though, because we got our butts kicked at work and it kept me in the right frame of mind. Sometimes its better for me to let the rage flow on the inside so I can keep calm on the outside.

A sample of my internal playlist today:
Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch
You Oughta Know, Alanis Morisette
Mother Mother, Tracy Bonham
Gravel, Ani Difranco

I'm thinking before the end of the day Garbage and Hole will make my list too. That's alright. I like it. It'll give me soemthing to write to.

Speaking of writing, I think I am finally in the right frame of mind to tackle some of those pesky scenes I haven't been willing to try, so later, I'll be jumping into the new novel and seeing if this personal feeling of ( medicine induced) angst will play out on the page. Take it where you can get it, right?

Television and Intelligence

When I was at work this morning I had an interesting conversation with one of my bosses and one of my coworkers. They were talking about some television show (maybe you know it?) where people have eating addicitons to weird things. I remembered vaguely someone talking about it, so I chimed in "like eating the stuffing in your couch, wasn't that one?"

My boss asked me if I had seen that episode. I responded no, I didn't have television at my house. She laughed and said "Oh, I forgot."

My coworker was looking at me aghast. She wanted to know how I relaxed if I didn't have a television. I pointed out I have one, I just watch DVD's on it. I don't watch TV. Honestly, I don't feel like I am missing anything. There are some television series that we will buy on DVD when we hear that they're worth watching, but otherwise, when I want to relax I read.

"Yeah, readings nice...but how do you relax?"
"I read a book."
"But- I mean, when you aren't reading. I mean, when I get home I have to watch Real Housewives on Bravo, or I can't cope."
"I read. And when I'm not reading, I write. Or I go outside."
"But you don't watch TV?"

Now, kids, maybe I'm being judgemental, but I think this says a lot about this person's personality. Especially since she is going to be an elementary school teacher. I mean, don't you sort of need to like reading if you want to teach? Shouldn't you be encouraging your students to get outdoors or pick up a good book?

A couple weeks ago I was talking to her about my idea for a masters paper, and how I wanted to compare the rythm, syntax and word choice of modern genre writing to older styles of genre writing. I began to explain and she told me that it was way over her head. At the time I couldn't grasp the idea of her not getting it, because she's in a master's program. Shallow as it might sound, now I do. If she's relaxing by watching a bunch of rich tramps pick fights and go shopping, no, she probably wouldn't understand the concept of sound and flow in modern versus classic genre literature.

It made me think- do I judge people by what television shows they tell me they watch? I mean, I know I judge people by what kind of books they read (or if they read at all) but I figured that's a natural part of my future profession. I analyze what kind of audience they might be for me. But seriously, if someone spends time reading at all I give them a little credit for having intelligence, because they are exercising their minds regardless of what they are reading. Television shows are a completely different animal.

For example, I mentioned to her we own all the seaons of Xena, Warrior Princess, but that its a pretty standard tv favorite for lesbians my age. I don't know many who don't like that show. And its not the quality of the work either, because lets be honest, the plots and dialog especially in the first couple of seasons are terrible. But if I know someone watches, say America's next Top Model, or Jersey Shore, or the evening news, or whatever...that to me that says somethign about their personality. When I read my friend's facebook profiles, I actually look at the television shows that they watch.

I can use my Bestie as an example here again. Perpet likes British car shows (Top Metal? Is that what its called?) and she likes classic Simpsons and up and coming stuff. I learned to love joss Wheadon through her. I think if you look at her list of watched television shows, it points towards her being a relatively thoughtful, intelligent woman.

Whatever the reason, I've realized that I do it. I jusge people. Heaven save me if anyone judged me by the few television shows I watch....

Roller Derby Weekend

I'm really excited. I have this Saturday night off. On top of that being nice, because its the weekend and normally new managers get all the awesome weekend night shifts, I am doubly happy because this Saturday is a home bout for our local roller girls. Even more exciting, its a double header, so I get to watch both the "a" team and the "b" team play. I've got friends on both teams, and I'm excited I get to spend a whole evening watching them do what they're good at.

This bout is more special than usual because our team recently became WFTDA certified, which means that they are part of the league now, and they can compete for national titles and such. Our girls are so talented, there's no doubt in my mind I'll get to plan a trip to nationals some time in the near future.

I've even got a cute little outfit I'm going to wear the the bout. The "b" team, as it were, have black and pink for their colors. Awesome, because they are my favorite colors. I've got an adorable little black ruffly skirt and a pink top I'm going to wear. Naughty pigtails are in order, and I will most defiately be getting ahold of some facepain and doing some fun painting on my face, maybe even my arms. I can't wait.

I've also recently developed a fascinating for blogs by derby girls. I'm sure you've noticed their ranks increasing in my blogroll. I can't help it. There's something fascinating about the way they think, on and off the track. I love the way they express themselves. I love how they claim their independence. Even when unsure, these women are sure. They know. They live. They take every moment and wrestle it into submission. Honestly, these girls inspire me.

Karma and Optimism

So now for a slightly more pessimistic turn of the blog, for a moment. As a general rule, I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I try to be as positive about things as I possibly can. True, I am prone to worry, and I do have a tendency to get upset about things, but I also try and look for the upside of every situation.

I've mentioned before that i look for the best in every person. I'm incredibly trusting, even when I shouldn't be. I do my very best to hope for the best. This hasn't always been the case. I used to say that if you expected nothing, you were always plesantly suprised when there was more than nothing. Now, I expect the best from everyone. I try to glean the best from every situation. This has backfired on me several times.

I'll say this. I'm learning a lesson. Karma is not a patient tutor. About four years ago I made an incredibly stupid personal decision. It was a bad idea, but at the time I thought I could make the best of it. I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough, things would come out okay. I was wrong. I mean, really wrong. That decision cost me a lot of pain. I was most definatly punished for it.

Recently, I was confronted with a similar decision. Now, if I had been smart I would have said to myself "Alecya, you've been through something like this before. Remember how bad an idea it was?" But I didn't. See, I keep thinking that because my life has changed so much in the last four years, the world has too. Turns out, no it hasn't. I made the same incredibly stupid decision that I made the last time.

Guess what? Karma is kicking my ass. Again. You know what? This time I deserve it. Its worse, because I see it coming. I see what's going to happen and I can feel it moment by moment. I know how things are going to turn out. I know how I will end up feeling. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I went ahead and made the decision I knew I shouldn't have made. Apparently, some lessons have to be learned twice before they really sink in. I'd say I hope I never have to make that decision again, but since life comes in threes, I'm betting I will. When that time comes, I hope I'll come back to this blog, to this experience, and the one before it, and think things through before I make another stupid call. Here's the rub- I probably won't.

Things I've Been Meaning to Say

Right- this will probably not mean anything to any of you reading, because it isn't meant for you. But sometimes you have to hold back what you really want to say for reasons of prudence or sanity. That doesn't mean you don't still want to say them. So I'm taking a moment to say some of the things I've been wanting to say for a week, or more, so i can get them off my chest.

You're not that important. Get over yourself.
I don't know why you think you need to do that.
Listening to bad advice is worse than making a mistake and learning from it. Just sayin'
I told you! I told you so! I called it months ago!
You're wrong about this.
I'm not sorry. Not for a second. Even if it pisses you off. I'm so not sorry.
Yep, you were right. If we had been betting on this, you would have fleeced me.
You really, really don't get it, do you?
I know what you're doing. Its not going to work. Good luck anyway.
You lied to me. I let you do it. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger fool for it.
I don't want to do this.
It was worth it. Every second.
This better be worth it.
You're an idiot.
I'm a grown adult. Don't talk to me like that.
I'll forgive you when you figure it out.
I'm better than you.

Well, now that I've got that off my chest I feel a lot less petty. See? Now I don't have to think about it whenever I see the people I want to say these things to, because I've already said them in a safe place. And you'll never tell on me, will you? Because you have no idea what I'm talking about. But seriously, don't you ever feel like you need to just get it off yoru chest?

If you haven't you should totally try it. Just blog for a minute about all the things you want to say that you never get the chance to say because we are all mature adults and we can't because we function in a nice, rational society.

I love you, readers. You make me happy, just by being here (or lurking here, which is what most of you do...I check my stats, I know you're around).

Have a great day, what's left of it.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

headaches and happiness

First, I have to apologize, if this post has some serious typos in it, its because I'm on some heavy duty medication. More about that later.

The weekend totally kicked my butt. I'm not going to lie. i worked a lot. In fact, I got closer to 40 hours than I have in probably two years. If you've ever worked in food service, you know that a full time work week for a waitress is about 25 hours. So I'm super tired. on top of my normal serving work, I trained for my supervising position three nights this last week. It totally wore me out. Sunday night, as an added bonus, we went under a tornado warning just as I was finishing up. No sleep, plus lots of work, plus staying up late because there might be a tornado tearing down your hosue= a very cranky Alecya.

I also had a really bad migrain all weekend. Now, if you've never had one, it seems like it should be no big deal. Wah, a headache. But migraines are a completely different animal. I've had them since I was a little girl. I used to take preventative medication, but as I've gotten older I've done a better job managing them. I have it down now to maybe one every month and a half, which is pretty good, all things considered. Since I'm allergic to almost every over the counter pain killer, there aren't usually a lot of options for treatment for me. Its normally a tough it out until its over kind of thing.

For me, a migraine isn't just my head hurting. I mean, it does. It feel like I'm being kicked in the head nearly constantly...but for me it also involves not being able to hold down food. I get dehydrated. I get really hungry. It messes with my hypoglycemia, because my sugars are messed up since I can't eat. I become sensetive to light and sound. Smell is almost overwhelming. I loose motor function. Walking is hard, moving suddenly will make me sick. I can't see anything. When I have a headache, the smartest thing for me to do is lay down in a dark room, have someone hold my hand so I don't feel too scared, and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, someitmes, you have to work. So I pulled myself together and worked through the pain.

I've done it before. It isn't usually a big deal. But then, my headaches normally only last about 12 hours. Thsi one went on for three solid days. When I woke up this moring and I was still violently ill, I broke down and called my grandmother. She has the medecine they normally give me when I'm at the hospital when I've had one that's too bad. (yeah, I've been to the ER for them. Once, they had to hang 4 bags of fluid on me to get me back to a hydrated level) So I've spent a good deal of the day in a medicated haze. Thank god for my girls, who held me and loved me through it. I don't knwo what I would have done without them.

I finally got to feeling well enough to prepare for tonight. Today is Litha, the midsummer ritual, for wiccans. Its one of our big holidays. I've been excited about it for weeks, because tonight I was supposed to be the one doing the ceremony. I did, and I was really proud of myself. When I'm feeling a little better perhaps Iw ill tell you more about the ceremony itself. Suffice to say, doing the ritual tonight was exhausting, it requires a lot of energy. But more important, I did it. This is a huge moment for me in my religious life. Its an honor to do a ceremony for your coven. I was pleased and proud mine trusted me to do it even if I was feeling poorly.

I'm feeling a very special feeling of accomplishment this evening. It was so special to me.

I want to talk more, but I'm pretty sure its time for me to wipe out.

Have a blessed midsummer, my friends. I'm thinking of all of you, and wishing you happiness and luck.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Love Letter

You fill up my mind.

I lose my eyes and you are there. Its like you wait for me. Every time I blink I see you, and it reminds me of how much I love you. It reminds me that no matter what, you are a part of me that I can't escape. At night I lie in bed and the sound of your voice echoes through my mind. I can hear you whispering softly to me, all the loving words you have ever spoken. They play continually- a soft romantic ballad written only for me.

It only takes a moment, but if I lie still, I can feel your touch. I feel the soft caress of your hands all over me. Second by decond you become more real, and I know the scratch of your nails on my body, the whisper of your fingertips against my face and lips. I sigh, and I reach out to the feeling that only you seem to give me. My heart flutters, my lips become softer and every other part of me becomes harder -strained- as your phantom touch rolls over me. I wait for the release, I wait for the moment you let me go. But you are there, even as I sleep. You are there, walking through my dreams, holding my hand, talking to me, making me smile. You never leave me, not for a moment.

I don't mind my bondage to you. Its a willing, eager servitude, and the chains you bind me with are soft as silk. They free me as much as they entrap, and I love the way I give myself over wholly to you. I revel in the feeling of being yours. Its beautiful. I'm beautiful- if only for you.

You know me- I want to escape sometimes. I want to get away from everything real. I want to create a world for myself and linger there as time ticks slowly by. The sounds of reality might rush past me- the movements required of me I still preform. But I am not there, I am somewhere else. I'm so glad, because you are there with me.

It takes only a moment, a heartbeat, and you are there. You stretch out your hand to me, ask me to come with you, and I can walk away. Everything else melts, there comes a soft, hazy shimmer, and suddenly I am living in two worlds. There is only me, in this second world, with you. There is a field full of tall grasses and wildflowers and we walk through it together. I can feel the weight of your hand in mine, the warmth of your touch, and I need nothing else.

But you give it to me, you always give me more. There is more than your touch, and your smile. There is your voice, rich and warm, telling me sweet things. Telling me interesting things to keep me from being afraid, or worried, or bored. It flows like honey and I drink it in, savorng the taste of your words. There is your playfullness, as you draw me through this world of ours- one that neither of us would share with anyone else. You and I, we understand the place we are in. No one else would, so we don't speak of it.

The most beautiful thing, to me, though, is I know that you feel it too. I can hear it when I truly speak to you. I can see it when I look in your eyes. I can touch it on your skin. I can taste it in your kiss. I am to you what you are to me. You know our secret world, because I guide you through it the way you do me. I can see the grass swaying in your eyes. I can hear the sound of our laughter in your tone. I am your heartbeat. You are mine. Each breath, each second, belongs to us.

I love you.


Adventure Day

Today was definately an interesting day.

We got up early this morning and headed off to get breakfast. We went to a little diner in our downtown that has really good breakfast food. Used to, we would only go there if we had a lot of time to kill. Truth be told, it takes forever to get your food, and up until recently the service was seriously lackluster. But the food is so darn good! Fortunately there seems to have been a change of management or something because the service has improved beyond measure. It still takes forever to get the food, but it doesn't seem to matter as much since your coffee actually gets refilled. And the coffee is good. They serve gourmet imported stuff. Their hot tea (that's what I really like) is served loose leaf. I've actually had to water down the black tea before- its just that strong.

This morning I got one of their specialty cupcakes. I don't know if I mentioned it the last time I ate there- they have a baker, and her cupcakes are awesome. Last time I had a raspberry cupcake wtih dark chocolate icing and a tiny rasperrby garnish. I actually took a picture of it on my phone, because it looked vaguely like a breast with a very rosy nipple. It was served on a red plate, so it didn't help much. Today I had a summer fruit cupcake, which as best I could tell was strawberry, raspberry and some sort of melon. The icing was cream colored, but I couldn't tell you the flavor. It was delicious. I took a picture of it too.

Afterwards we went to the bus station. As a promotion to get people to use more public transport the local authorities decided today was ride the bus free day. We decided to have an adventure. We rode around town on the bus and stopped off at thrift stores and health food markets and such. It was pretty fun, after I got over the whole 'sit by a stranger who wants to make random conversation with you' thing. I eventually got myself a window seat and put on my sunglasses. Once I had drifted off to daydream land I was alright. The shopping was fun. The girls found some pants they liked. I got three new skirts, a little black dress and a shirt.

Once we made it back downtown we tried a different route. This one was a complete failure. We read the map wrong and ended up taking a tour of the wrong side of town and then coming right back to the bus station. We nicknamed that one "the ghetto bus of doom". There were a few times we were pretty sure the bus driver was just going to have us all pile out into the random fields and shoot us. We were glad to get off.

After, we went to this awesome buger joint near the bus station. They specialize in sliders, which they make (and I mean, put the patty together) as you order them. I might have mentioned them before. I had two bacon cheezeburgers and some chips and a soda. It was delightful. I was so full it hurt.

After that the night was less interesting. I got home, changed for work and headed off. On the upside, work was easy. I'm greatful for that. Tomorrow is my longest day of the week, so I am always glad when Thursdays aren't quite as painful.

Have you had an adventure this week?


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Define Normal

Remember how I told you earlier this week I got a flat tire somehow on the way home from dropping Kitten off at work and I didn't realize it until about 20 minutes before I had to be at my job? It was pouring down rain and I was pretty sure my life couldn't suck much more than it did in that moment? Normal neighbors came to the rescue. I think I mentioned that. They saw I was in distress and the guys came over and changed my tire for me so I didn't have to mess up my work clothes. Very chivalrous, right?

I had promised them if they told me what kind of beer they liked I would totally go get them some as a way of telling them thank you. I don't think they believed me. While I was relaxing that afternoon, getting ready for my night shift at work the girls ran up to the gas station to fill up the air in the tires and they picked up some beer for them as a way of saying thank you. I didn't know this until I noticed that the truck was back in our driveway and they were nowhere to be seen.

Turns out they were making friends with the normal neighbors. They got a full round of introductions and how everyone was related to everyone. They got stories about babies and grandbabies and children and the whole nine yards. I think we are now able to recognize who is who when we see people coming and going. I always thought that they had a lot of friends. Turns out they just have a really, really big family.

Tonight we were sitting on the front porch watching the stray cats wrestle over the food we had put out for them when Mrs. Normal Neighbor and her daughter, Fate, came by. Fate had her newborn with her so we could coo over how cute he was. Actually, for a newborn he was pretty adorable. I think most of them look like aliens, but he actually looks like a little person. She laughingly showed us how his hairline is already receding (poor little dude). We also got a rather strange story about how the baby sucks on your lip if you give him kisses. It made me giggle.

Mrs. Normal neighbor started talking to Kitten and Oscelot about something, I don't know what. I think about her auto detailing business. Fate pulled me aside to ask what kind of flower my hollyhocks were. I was explaining to her about them, then she obligingly let me lead her around the front yard, telling her all about the flowers I was planting and the ones I wanted to plant. I told her about our plans for the house, like repainting it and refinishing our porch by the end of the summer.

Somehow we got onto the topic of our crazy neighbors. We aren't too fond of them. Turns out she isn't either. We were talking about how the houses two and three away from us were a mess. It was funny. We talked about how we cant seem to get a normal set just next to us to save our souls. I confessed I had hoped for a nice couple, or an old lady or maybe (because we saw some) another pair of lesbians. That would have been really nice.

Fate got on a tangent about the house three down from us. They have a fenced in front yard but its like a chiken wire type fence, not a chain link or anything decent. Their front yard is full of crap. Now, I can understand some kids toys but their yard is piled with them. I don't mean there are a lot. I mean they are literally all over on top of each other. Plus the yard is full of other miscellaneous junk like old tires and holiday decorations never put away. Honestly, its an eyesore. (one of the three renters left on our block too- suprise!)

While we were talking about it she told me this story about a house she had lived in before in another part of town. Apparently their neighbor was a hoarder. You know, like the ones you see on television? She did that, and apparently this stuff spilled out of her house and onto her front porch. Fate said that she had no room for trash so she just threw it in her back yard. She and her roommates complained to the health department, but nothing was done about it. The house continued to become more filthy and Fate got to where she felt like it was a health and safety hazard to allow it to continue.

Now, I must preface this with: I in know way condone what she did next. I do, however, think that it was hilarious. Fate went to the health department, snuck one of tehir complaint forms home, scanned it into her computer and made some sort of fake order of inspection. She got all dressed up, grabbed a clipboard and put a bunch of papers underneath her fake order and then went to this lady's house. She gained entry to the house under the auspices of being a health department official! This lady actually let her in! Then she "inspected" the house and told the lady it had to be fixed or there would be all kinds of pentalties, including her possibly being evicted from her house. It worked. Now, it was pretty mean, but honestly, I thought it was rather clever, and funny too. Of course, that's my sense of humor, I suppose.

After we had laughed over that and how she was contemplating doing that to the neighbors down the street, we switched over to relationships. We were leaning against my truck looking up at Kitten and Oscelot and she asked me how many people we had in our house. She thought four. (why did she think four? I'mnot sure. Kitten postulates she thinks its the Lifeguard. I thought maybe she had seen Black Magic coming and going while she still hung out with us. I didn't have the nerve to ask...As it is, neither of them have been over in a month or so...) Anyway, I corrected her and told her that there was just the three of us. Then she asked if any of us were dating, or if we all lived together or what. I tried as best I could to explain the nature of our relationship. Fate just kept nodding her head. She was all "that's so cool," which I thought was adorable.

Then she launched into a story about how she used to date girls. I got the whole rundown about her being a bisexual and how she had been with eight (wow, she keeps track) women and how she thought the emotions were way different with a woman than with a man. I agreed on that one, but I also told her it can be totally crazy. We laughed together over my description of our household when all three of us are on our cycle. Its pretty bad sometimes. She continued, telling me all about this girl she was with, number 8, and how she was totally crazy about her and she had ditched her long-term boyfriend to be with her. I got all the gory details. Then she told me about how Number 8 had cheated on her, with a gay guy no less, and how she caught them cheating at a tanning salon. (another reason I am so never going to a tanning bed in our town, outside of the ill health effects!) Anyway, she told me that after that episode she decided she'd rather be with guys because there's less emotion involved, and she doesn't have to worry so much. As she put it "I can go to any restaurant in town and pick me up a nice tube steak- but finding a great girl...that's real hard" I tried not to goggle, because I'm sure even in the twilight it would have been obvious.

I tried to cover up my discomfort by looking upwards. She noticed, and pointed out to me the big dipper and the little dipper. I was actually kind of impressed she could find them. Its hard enough to see the stars in the middle of the city, finding constellations takes talent. Then we got on the topic of lunar and solar eclipses. She postulated that if the world ends, she figures it will either be the sun or the moon crashing down on top of us. We won't even have time to worry. Then we were joking about how we were preparing for the zombie apocolypse (btw- if you come to our house, the password is brraaiiins...I mean, raspberry jam). She laughed and said she thought that would be fun, because we could toally like shoot the zombies in the head or get them with axes and no one would care. The police (she said) would be looking on, all "Good job. That was a nice shot. Get that machete back."

Then there was a very abrupt change to the topic of how fucked up her family is (her words, not mine). I won't go into a lot of detail, but you know, her family is almost as messed as mine is, in its own way. I was trying not to laugh a couple of times. I think my favorite quote was "You know, my sister makes me cry all the time. She's always talking about how hard she has it. But she has a job and a car and a house and everything. She's got a boyfriend, even though he's a douchebag, at least he helps her. Here I am, wanting a job and not able to find one, my car broke down, and raising two kids by myself while living with my mom and dad! Who has it bad? You tell me!" I did respect her more after that though, because she does want to do well for herself, she's trying. She's just not succeeding.

After that Mrs. Normal Neighbor came over with a phone call for her, and we bade her goodnight. When we got inside I was regaled with tales from the girls about Mrs. Normal Neighbor. It was definately interesting.

I will say this, though, I am grateful to have at least one set of friendly, normal-ish neighbors. They want to get along. They're polite. They wave hello and goodbye. They don't get all up in our space if we don't want them too. I mean, chances are they are at home right now talking about their crazy lesbian neighbors and how all three of us were dating each other all at once. I'm sure they think we're a little odd too. At least we keep our house clean, try to keep the grass nicely mowed and we don't do stupid shit like break into other people's houses or driving our cars top speed into the phone poles on our block. (that happened last summer. Not fun)

So that's the story on our Normal Neighbors.

In other news, I told my mom about going back to school today. I got just about the response i thought I would. First she asked if I even thought they would let me in. I told her I was already admitted. Then she asked if they would let me take classes since I was in default on one of my student loans. I told her yes, as long as I made payment arrangement, it was fine. Then she asked how I thought I was going to pay for it. I told her I qualified for some grants, and some loans and also, the classes were inexpensive enough that if I chose to go part-time, I could make payment plans (Local CC calls it E-cashiering) and it would be fine. Then she asked me if I was just going to quit my job and leave Kitten and Oscelot to support me, and how unfair was that, and didn't I think of anyone but myself and I was going to end up leaving my household destitute. I couldn't work and go to school, of course I couldn't, I would flunk out. Just like I had before.

I didn't bother explaining that this time I wouldn't have to work 40+ hours to support my partner, because my partners are good people. I didn't explain that I failed because I was starving and my life was coming apart at the seams (this would imply she didn't notice the last time). I didn't explain that I actually can balance work and school because I had managed to do it for four semesters before the one bad one I had. seemed like a waste of breath.

I have, sometimes, this disconnect from reality. For some reason, I thought she would be happy for me. That she might say so, especially since up until now she has made it a point to nag me about going back to school every time she sees me. I thought maybe she would tell me that it was great I had two loving, wonderful partners who wanted to help me. Even a "you can do it, I have faith in you" would have been really nice. I kick myself for wanting it, because I had discussed telling my mom with the girls last night and we all agreed that she was going to be unsupportive and probably critical of me going back to school. Why, oh why, my friends, do I still insist on thinking I'm one day going to wake up and have a sitcom mom who wants to cheer for me and wants the best for me?

I told Mrs. Boss about it today. Her and Mr. Boss have been really supportive and happy for me. She ahs already offered to accommodate my schedule as much as I need her to (I don't, I'm taking classes on my days off. I'll have all night on my work days to study, since she already gives me a fantastic schedule.) Mrs. Boss says she thinks its sad that my mom feels like she has to keep me down because I want to achieve more than she has, more than Punk has. She says if she were my mom she'd be fighting tooth and nail to make sure I had every possible opportunity to make something more of myself than she had. I thought it was really sweet. I told her so. Honestly, even though she's only ten years older than me, I feel like she does the stand in mom thing a lot. She's a good boss to have, because she actually cares about her employees lives, and wants us to be happy, successful people.

It does, though, irritate the hell out of me. I mean, honestly. My mom sings Punk's praises every time she talks to me, even though I don't want to talk about him and I've told her so. This last time she was telling me how proud she was that he is holding down steady employment (he's had the job for a month). I mean, he's 28 years old. This should hardly be an accomplishment worth cheering for. Especially since he is still using her as a banker. She pays his bills. He doesn't even have a place to live. he got rid of his last apartment when his roomies moved out and he's couch surfing right now. I get frustrated. I remember when he got his GED, she asked me what I was going to get him. I told her I was planning on sending him a card. She asked how much money I was going to put in it. She was shocked when I told her I wasn't. Her response was "You got money when you graduated high school." Yeah. When I was 17, and going off to college. Not when I was 26 and not doing anything but living off my mother. Maybe I'm mean about this?

Sometimes I think that my resentment of Punk clouds my judgement. Don't get me wrong, I think its great he has a job. I was glad when he got his GED. I just- - I'm not sure its something that should be counted as a major life accomplishment. I feel bad sometimes because he's sold himself short. I know that you know I am a smart girl. I'm not kidding when I say Punk is way smarter than I am. His IQ higher. He always tested higher than me in grade school. There's no reason he couldn't have been everything he wanted to be. The thing is, Punk choose to be nothing instead. He's made a ton of bad choices, many of which contribute to me not wanting to have him as a part of my life. But, I don't know, I've mentioned it before, i harbor a little bit of anger towards him because despite of all of his bad choices my mom treats him like he's the better child. I know for a fact he's her favorite. It bothers me. Its not even that I want to be the favorite, so much as I just wish she treated me with the respect Ifeel like I've earned as an adult.

I'm whining, aren't I?

I should stop.

So that's me tonight. A talk with normal neighbors and a rant about my family.

Same ol' same ol

Have a good one friends.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tonight We Discuss Agony, Irony, Friendship and Fun

Today was a wonderful, exciting, action packed day.

I registered for school today. It was at once the most awesome thing I have done in a long time and the most frustrating and terrifying.

We got up this morning and went to breakfast, its a Tuesday morning tradition in our house to have breakfast together. After breakfast Oscelot had a doctor's appointment. While she was there I was going to zip over to Local CC to see what I needed to do to get registered. I had already looked at the site online. I knew I was going to have to apply. I knew I would have to talk about financial aid. I was aware they might need my transcripts. I was also prepared to take placement testing if they needed me to.

I wasn't prepared to feel totally lost. When we got to the school (Kitten was with me) I went and checked in with Student Services. They sent me upstairs with a little purple slip a bit like a hallpass, and told me there was someone upstairs who could help me. This was a lie.

There was someone upstairs. But she did not help me. I went to the desk and was met by a surly looking Asian chick about my age, possibly younger. I handed her my slip and told her they had said downstairs that she could help me. Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: They said you could help me get things sorted out
AC: What do you want?
Me: To go to school
AC: So you want an information packet?
Me: No, I want to register for school.
AC: Have you filled out an application?
Me: No
AC: well here's a computer password, they're case senstive. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: Um, so, the transcripts...If I wanted to start over, couldn't I just take the placement tests and, you know, start over? Do I have to transfer my credits?
AC: We don't do that. You have to use your old credits.
Me: Why?
AC: Because if you've already gone to school we need to see it.
Me: So couldn't I just give you the transcripts and start over
AC: No.
Me: Why?
AC: You need to fill out an application first. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: So, is there, like, a chance I won't get accepted?
AC: No. We're open enrollment.
Me: How long before I hear anything?
AC: Your transcripts will take at least three days and then we need at least a week to process them.
Me: Before I'm accepted?
AC: Before we can enroll you in classes.

Throroughly confused, I wandered over to the computer and applied. Once it was in I tried printing off a transcript request form from the computer. Nothing happened. I went and asked her timidly if I was allowed to print from the computer, since the printer behind me wasn't working. She told me to use the printer behind me. I ended up writing the information down. We left, after I swiped some study guides for the placement tests.

I tried not to collapse into a state of nerves from this exchange. I have mentioned, frequently, I don't like strangers. I really, really don't like strangers who are grumpy. Especially when I am forced to talk to them because they have something I need. They scare me. I was indeed scared by the AC.

After picking up Oscelot we went to State U, where I was last enrolled, in an attempt to get my transcript. I discovered I was encumbered (this means I owe the school money for something) So I went to the payment office to deal with it. The lady at the window asked me for my "M Number" I told her I didn't know what that was. I offered my SSN. She told me no, she had to have my M Number. Then she asked when I last attened school. I admitted it had been 5 years. She made a comment about me being in "that old system we used to have"

Cue me waiting for 15 minutes while they find my M Number, which apparently was assigned to me when they got the new system, even if I didn't know it. When I finally got my staggeringly large encumberance figure (okay, $180 but it felt big to me) I left, since I didn't have that in my pocket. Feeling defeated I plodded back to metered parking where the girls were waiting. Kitten cheerfully packed me off to my old high school so I could get those transcripts.

They've completely redone the inside of the building. It didn't even look like my school anymore. I got my transcript request. Then I had to go back to the truck because they make you pay for them in high school, aparently. Then I had to traipse all over the building to get a receipt, because apparently the school has one person solely dedicated to giving out receipts and the lady who did that was out to lunch. (apparently, this isn't uncommon. It was when I was in school) while they were breaking into her office to get my receipt I looked in on the principal, who was nearby. Friends, he looked my age. I wanted to die. Here's this guy who can't be more than five years older than me, sitting in his office in a school mascot hoodie, while I waited to get my transcript receipt so I could go back to community college. Wow. I'm a loser.

I also noted as I stepped back out into the sun that the school is now air conditioned. I made a snide comment about it as we drove off. Oscelot, the darling, looks at me incredulously and says, "You're school wasn't air conditioned?" No, dear heart, it wasn't. I'm old. We were lucky to have heaters that worked in the winter.

Back to State U because apparently Kitten had $180 laying around. After getting my encumberance paid and traisping off to more offices to make sure they knew I wasn't in debt anymore, we headed back to Local CC and I went back to the first floor in a terror, waiting to get my purple slip to go upstairs and have the AC yell at me again.

Turns out, the nice lady who helped me out this time tells me, my transcripts will be processed tonight. If I fill out my FAFSA (the priority deadline is July 1, sweetheart) and do my online orientation tonight or tomorrow, I could enroll for classes as soon as next week. All we have to do is wait on my student aid report. Lovely. I stammer quietly:

"So it doesn't take a week to process my transcripts?"
"No., who told you that?"
"The girl upstairs"
"She doesn't know what she's talking about. Here-I'll give you everything you need."

And she did. AC is a dirty, dirty liar. Kitten says I should cut her some slack since she deals with people and the same questions all the time. Personally, I think this means she should be more patient. Since she ought to know that some people are going to come in feeling uncertain and needing a little more guidance.

Maybe that's just me. When I got home I filled out the federal student aid form. It looks like I might qualify for some grants, which is awesome. I might be able to do this without completely financially decimating myself. Hooray, for once, for being poor. I can get help paying for school.

Things are looking up on the school front.

My first night learning to supervise at Casa Beuno went well. We're also starting some contests for new menu releases, and I always do well in those. I also make more money. I think its because I try harder. Either way, I'm excited about it, and I am looking forward to the next month or so.

Also, it looks like we might be able to find tires for less than $600 for our truck. It makes me feel better. I mean, that's a lot of money, but it feel a little more managable than $900. Stupid truck tires. They're so expensive. Its like they are lined in gold or something. Ah, well. If you need them you need them.

Things are not shaping up as well for me getting out of town in the next two weeks. This is a huge downer, because that means it will probably be after the fourth of July before we get a chance to go and do anything. Not good. I need out of town. Now. I'm so sick of the sight of Middle of Nowhere that I want to scream. I get this way a few times a year. Normally, just a little day trip our of town will fix this. I need to have a day to get away and have fun. Its annoying that money is the only thing preventing this. Really really annoying. It looks as though I will have to work harder, be more charming, and be friendlier than usual, so people want to tip me so I can buy truck tires so I can get the heck out of town.

Edited to note: I was having a friend conundrum last night. I got some good advice from the Lifeguard. I am not a 15 year old girl. I am better than that. Thank you, friend, for reminding me. I expect better from myself too.

In a more interesting aside, for my buddies who are my age, a coworker set me onto a website that totally has be giggling. Its called and it has pictures, rather like the lolcats, that are of old stuff from the 80's and 90's. If you ever wanted a dream phone, played with Lincoln Logs or chewed Dr. Pepper or ouch! (hubba bubba) bubble gum, this site is going to make you laugh. You should go check it out.

I'm also adding a new link in my blogroll. Her name is Bunny Low-Browski and she is a non-local rollergirl who blogs. I love reading her stuff, she's a funny, quick witted girl. I have to admit, I also love that she uses the word fuck prolifically. Because it seems natural to her. If you are a derby girl, or you know one, or you love the sport, this is a great read. If you're wanting an insight into the mentality of a great player who has an interesting outlook on her sport, this also something you will want to read. Honestly, I'm hoping you'll go check her out, at least once, just because I think she's cool.

I think that's all I'm able to bore you with tonight. Subscribers, leave me a dang comment. I want to know who you guys are. :) I like friends.

Take a moment this week to try and do something you've wanted to do. If you can't, confront a fear of yours. I'll be interested to hear from you, how it goes.

Have a great night.
I'm off to try and actually get some sleep.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Game Changer

So today got off to a really bad start. I spent all night tossing and turning. I had nightmares. And not stupid ones where its scary but you know its not real. Last night I was reliving some of the most awful moments in my life, one after another, all night long. Not good if you want some sleep.

When I got up for work this morning I found a flat tire on my truck. Twenty minutes before I had to be at work. And it was raining. So I had to get a ride with my mom. Yay.

Work sucked. More than usual. I'm not a cryer and I spent most of the morning on the verge of tears. Plus, I'm used to being able to have a cigarette when I'm stressed or upset. No smoking in public anymore. Boo. Anna had to get a ride to me, and thankfully one of our friends took us home.

That's the short version of my morning.

Then I got home and the game changed. The girls talked about it. I can go back to school. This fall. Two short months away. I'm so excited I want to cry. I did the happy dance around the living room, texted my two best friends, did another happy dance, and made plans to go up to the local community college this Tuesday when I'm off. I'm so excited.

True, its CC and not Local State U, but its a start. If I can get my associates, then I can go back to State U and fix my mistakes. And I'll be in school. That's the important thing.

I really dont have anything else to say. I just wanted to telll you all that.

Oh, and also, if you are following me...I can't see my follows due to some glitch in my computer. If you would post a comment for me, so I can see you, that would be awesome. Also, if you want, I'll add you to my blogroll, so I can find and read you. But only if you want me to.

Have a great day friends. I'm off to get ready for my first night training as a manager at Casa Bueno.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Want to Let It Go and Go For It

This is a picture of me, earlier in the week. Its also a picture of me at my most relaxed this week. Hooray for pool time.

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Seriously. I don't think I've been this tired in a long time. I was tired enough this afternoon that when the girls went out to go play around town i stayed home, pleading a nap. I was actually so tired I couldn't sleep. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes there were a million thoughts running through my head. None of them were relaxing.

I am immensly grateful that Sakura had us over to go swimming this week because I think I might have lost my mind if I hadn't. Work has been stressful. I was training all week. We have three new servers at Casa Bueno, and I'm one of the few trainers, so I had the immense pleasure of working with two of them almost every day. I think I've mentioned before, I don't really care for strangers, so having a stranger follow me around all day, and me having to talk to them and make a personal connection is more than a little taxing. Monday I was training a new guy, and I honestly didn't think he liked me all that much. He was pretty quiet, and trying to get information out of him was like trying to get through an airport in a suit made of razor blades. I had him again Friday night, and honestly, once he came out of his shell, he was great. I actually like him.

Wednesday I got to train our new sweet girl. She was helpful and nice and kind. The problem was, we were busy. Really busy. Trainees slow you down no matter how competent and awesome they are. To add stress to an already tense situation, our reigonal manager (who also happens to be the VP of our entire corporation) was visiting, and sitting right next to my incredibly full section, watching me get my ass kicked and try to teach this poor girl something at the same time. I was relatively vindicated that he told me afterwards I was a great trainer, and then went and bragged on me to my boss. I needed the ego boost.

I picked up a shift Thursday night so I could have a chance to make some money without a trainee attached to my hip. It was a relatively good night. Except I pissed off our hostess. She never says much to me, and to be honest, out of all of them I like her the least. She asked to bum a cigarette from me. I told her no, I wouldn't give her one, because she's sixteen. She asked me what my point was. I rolled my eyes and walked off. If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.

I worked a double yesterday. In the morning I was sans trainee, so I had a decent day. We were busy, I had a good time. I also happened to have a good friend texting me, and it kept me in a plesant mood. Well, it did when I had the chance to sneak off and check my phone. I trained again last night. It was fine, we weren't busy anyway. To tell the truth, I don't think he learned much, we spent a lot of the evening just chatting.

Today I woke up in a hurry because Oscelot had to run to the bank before we hit work, and its the hardest day of the week to open the store. We worked hard, my customers were...well, I could have liked them better. The new local smoking ban also started today, so no smoking on the clock. This sucked. Other resturants, including Kitten's Happy Waffle, let people sneak outside to smoke. Nope, we just don't get to anymore. By two thirty I was itching. Hopefully I will get over it, and learn to cut back. Hopefully. But its over, and tomorrow is a new day. I also get to go back to work tomorrow night and begin manager training. I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday morning before I went into work we went out of town with Kitten's mom to go see a local tourist attraction. It was about an hour drive, but we had a good time. We went and saw this stage show featuring housepets that do tricks. It was pretty cool. The cats did all sorts of things I now want mine to do (fat chance) and were completely adorable. They also had a bunch of birds that did fun stuff like ride bicycles, play basketball, you know...cheezy stuff that's fun to watch. I like birds, so it was neat to see them up close anyway. I really enjoyed it. We also stopped off at my favorite restaurant in the downtown and had lunch. I ate until I was literally sick to my stomach. So, totally worth the trip.

I've also worked on my new novel twice this last week. While I am not making a ton of progress, the fact that I've worked on it at all is good. I'm struggling through the hard parts now. I would be avoiding it with my typical flair if it weren't for my favorite genre writer, Laurel K Hamilton. She released her 20th book in the Anita Blake series last week and got to do a guest blog on the Borders website in honor of it. One day she was talking about the blank page and leaping head first into your manuscript, trusting that you and your characters will catch you. I had to make the decision that I trust myself, and the people I am writing, enough to make mistakes that can be fixed later. I have to trust my betas and my friends to point out where I go wrong, once I finally get it finished. The thing is, if I don't finish...I'll never know. I've got to get back on the horse.

So this week I've been facing my big fear in writing-human emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have a complete and total disconnect to the way people really think and feel. To me its important that not only the writing be organic, but the emotion be natural too. So I've sat and dreaded what I'm about to do to my characters, and I've contemplated how they feel and how they will react. I've written a little, and I've thought a lot. Now I have to dive in, completely let go, and trust that I can capture the feeling on the page. It takes a lot of faith in yourself to do that. I think I can. No- I know I can. Even if I have to work at it.

I know where my story is going. I know where my characters end up. I know what they are thinkign and how. Now all I have to do is get it on the paper. With so few chapters left, I think if I really push myself, I could be done by the end of June or early July, which gives me time this summer to tear it to shreds and rewrite it a few times. If I work at it. Someone is going to have to keep after me. But if I have someone there to do it for me, and I can find the will inside myself, I think I can have this thing polished and ready to go by the end of the year. That's the goal anyway.

Speaking of goals, Oscelot and I were talking when we went skating this week, and I think there's a possibility of me hitting the books, just a little, in a year or so. I could at least take a few classes, get back in the swing, and start working again. I would love it. I have so many friends that are getting close to their degrees, and they talk about how sick of school they are and all I can think is how jealous I am. I've been really contemplating it- how far I want to go, what I will do for money that isn't writing books, what job I could get and what jobs I might want. I've been working on the ideas for masers and doctoral papers, what I would want to discuss, what I would want to specialize in. Its exciting. Its a beautiful thought, that this dream might actually happen for me. Of course, thinking about it means I worry about it, so I try to only daydream it from time to time.

There are possibilities now, though, that weren't there a few days ago. It makes me really happy.

I'm exhausted. Its time for me to sleep. I wanted to tell you all about how we gave our cats their summer bath tonight, but I'll have to save it for another day.

Here's to living the dream (and for once, I'm not being sarcastic) This coming week, take a moment, think about what you really, really want. If its within reach, if you can work for it, go for it. Take those first steps. And if I can, as your blogger pal, do anything to encourage you or help you, tell me. Some of you have been with me a long time. We've been working for the things we want for years. Your support, your friendship, have driven me through some seriously bad stuff. Your support and friendship have seen me through that first novel. You'll see me through my second. And hopefully through them all.

I love you all.

Live the dream.



Also, you might notice, I have two new people in my blogroll. Gayle is an excellent writer friend of mine, whom is very dear to me, and also bery talented. And very published. (I couldnt be prouder to be her friend) She writes about her writing. You'll like it. Especially if you write. New Pound Glory is one of our local rollergirls. She's a rookie, and learning to live the derby dream. She's also learning balance, hard work, tough adult choices, and how to reach for the things you want. I just recently stumbled on her blog. She's a fantastic read.

Friday, June 10, 2011

To My Lady Gaia

this is a brief peice I was scribbling out this afternoon on my break. Its silly, and trite. Not very good. But considering I whipped it out in 15 minutes and I was also trying to talk to my co-workers, eat something and sort out a smoke break in all that...I'm not too disappointed. Its romantic, but not terribly erotic. I'll write something of use tomorrow. I swear.


Her hair shines silver, gold and bronze in the moonlight, casting a soft hazy halo around her as she gazes up at me. Her eyes glimmer, two brilliant stars sparkling up at me with mystery and allure of the ages. The desire to touch her, to stroke her, wells up inside me. The urge is irresistible. To touch her, to feel the soft silk of her skin, to caress heaven itself- it is unbearably beautiful.

Her laying beneath me is like a state of grace- too beautiful to express, to awful to escape. Perfection- that is what she is in this moment. Just below me- eyes glowing, skin shining, lips parted. Her breath is better than air to me. I want to breathe her in, to taste her until my mind clouds over and I am dizzy and weak with the flavor of her. Her lips are soft and pale pink, rich cotton candy that melts below my tongue. She is sweet, so sweet. Her gentle press, her tender bites are my delight. She laves me breathless and aching. I am thirsty for her as I become warmer. She is hot, so terribly warm, as we dance together in the coming and going of our passion.

I melt for her, I burn to ashes under the brilliance of her glimmer. The heat of her skin is the early morning sun in the summer. It dances along my body, teasing and tempting me- drawing me further into its warmth. Brilliant, gentle and enticing, I let it lead me along the soft winding paths of her body. Each curve is has a suprise waiting for me, each turn, each kiss is a cool breeze filling and refreshing me.

My fingers trace the lines of her body, each bone and curve and soft flowing plain and I see the whole world.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Tonight is a night for confession. Last night I was talking to Oscelot and she asked me what I am afraid of. Its something I don't think of very often. Indeed, I think most of us shy away from such unplesant musings. I think, however, it was good for me. Its not often I discuss the things that scare me, and to tell the truth I have quite a few of them. I'm trusting you not to judge me, because I know that you have things that scare you too.

Spiders. I've mentioned this one before. I don't like them. They actually make me scream.

I'm afraid of egg timers, for no discernable reason.

I'm afraid of drowning.

I'm afraid of police officers. (Leftover fear from childhood I think)

I'm afraid of falling from a height. Despite this I still like to rock climb, repel, and ride roller coasters. I think its my way of coping with my fear.

I'm afraid of failing. Yeah, I'm a perfectionist. I hate not doing thigns right. But when it comes to the things I want most, like publishing, or finishing college, I am terrified of failing. I absolutely cannot stand the idea that I'm not good enough.

I'm afriad of suceeding. If I do accomplish what I want, what next? What if I can't get a good job? What if I can't get one at all? What if I publish and then no one likes anything I write after that? What if I get published and no one likes the first one? The thought of continuing to scucceed haunts me.

I'm afraid of dying alone.

I'm afraid of loving someone and them not loving me back.

I'm afraid of driving away the people I love.

I'm afraid of something happening to me, or someone I care about, and me not having told them everything I needed to.

I'm afraid of disappointing the people who expect things from me.

I'm afraid of people. Especially strangers.

I'm afraid of watching people I love suffer and me not be able to do anything about it.

I'm afraid of driving. Still. Even after all this time. All it took was one car accident. I hate being behind the wheel. I confront this one every day. Fortunately, Kitten likes to drive, so I dont have to anytime we go somewhere together.

I'm afraid of bridges. Like the eggtimer, something I can't explain. I actually like water. I like looking at brindges...driving over them, though. It makes me shudder. Same thing with dams. I seriously dislike dams.

I'm afraid of losing everything I have. This may be why I dislike tornados now, even though I didn't as a teenager, or as a child.

I'm afraid of being attacked. Even more so that if I defended myself that I couldn't or that if I could that I would hurt them so badly I would end up being punished for it. Don't get me wrong, I still would, but the thought of the consequences is another dear compounding a fear that I already have.

Yeah, that's a good start on things that creep me out, unsettle me, or leave me breathless with fright. For the most part, I deal with them. I don't think about it much. That may make me a coward.

There are times though, espescially the intangible ones, that I sit and think about it until I am dizzy with fear. It will turn over and over in my head until I can't even function. Usually this happens late at night, which would probably explain why I don't sleep a whole lot, or when I do why I try so hard to focus my dreams in a specific direction.

This isn't a complete list, to be sure. But its definately a good start. What are you afraid of? How do you deal with it?

I'm off for a (hopefully) good night's sleep.

All my love to you tonight.