So I've finally had that day. The one I dread. The one I have managed not to have in a while. I did something really, really stupid. And when I did that somethign really, really stupid, I managed to hurt someone.
I'm not going to talk about it. Not really. Because its between me and that person and I talk about them here and they don't deserve me airing my dirty laundry at their expense. What I will say is that this is a person I love very much. Its someone who is incredibly important to me. Its someone I would be very upset to have out of my life.
So me, being stupid, upsetting them...I'm a moron. But it did give me something to reflect about and that's actually what I'm going to write about tonight.
Sometimes, as a friend and a lover, priorities seem really clear. Sometimes, as a friend and a lover, they are not. Regardless of whether you are talking about someone you love romantically, or someone whom you love as a friend, being really clear about your priorities when it comes to the love you have for them is so very important.
I'm a big fan of communication. I think its what makes every relationship work. I think the minute you stop talking is the minute your relationship begins to deteriorate. I've actually had fights, fairly recently, with people I love about just that. Of course, if you're like me, you usually manage to talk yourself into a corner. You'll say something without thinking, or you'll say something you don't mean. You'll say something stupid or hurtful. Its times like this that its really important that the people you love truly know your heart.
For you, my blogger friends, and my real friends, let me tell you what matters to me.
Are you a good person? i don't mean do you not break laws. I mean do you think about the consequences of your actions before you act? Do you care if you hurt someone when you act? That's important.
Are you honest? Ivalue honesty in a person. I especially value it because I've often found myself in a place where people aren't honest with me. My family seems to be made up of pathological liars. I do my best, but I honestly will have a hard time telling the truth if I know it will hurt someone, hurt me, or get me into trouble. Its incredibly difficult sometimes for me to be honest. But its somethign I've worked on, and having good, honest people in my life is wonderful.
Do you care about me? Does what happens to me matter at all to you? I've gone through a lot in the past where I've thrown myself heart and soul into a relationship only to find out that the person I've been trying to build it with could give a rats ass whether I loved them, or was their friend, or even if Iliked them at all. I hate being used. It leaves me feeling empty and worthless. There's nothing worse than a false friend or lover. If I wanted those, I would be a hermit and settle for one night stands every now and again.
Are you willing to agree to disagree? I dont' have a problem being friends with people who have ideas or lifestyles different from mine. I like it. I think variety enriches your life and improves your world outlook. If you and I don't see eye to eye on an issue, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is you feeling like I have to agree with you all the time. I'm not an automaton or a drone. I have opinionso f my own. You should love me for them, because I love you for your ideas.
Can you forgive me? Because, as any reader or friend of mine who has known me long will tell you, I am prone to doing stupid shit. I can be hateful and passive agressive. I am selfish and unthinking sometimes. But the thing is, its almost never on purpose. If I have a fight with someone, I need to know that (barring me actually intentionally trying tocause a breach) you can forgive me if I ask it. I forgive almost instantly. I don't like to hold grudges, because I am the victim of my own idiocy far too frequently to not.
Will you let me love you? I'm a passionate person. Way more than most people, I would say. When I take it into my head to do something, love someone, be their friend, it is almost impossible to dissuade me, barring me managing to get hurt. And I get hurt a lot, because Itrust people. I shouldn't. That's the thing, there's this combination of cynicsm and blind trust. I fully expect to be hurt, to have my heart broken, to have a friend betray me. The thing is, I do it anyway. I never want to waste a chance. In my post the other day Imentioned that my greatest crime was wasting love. I've done that far too often in the past...let someone who loved me go, let a friend go when there was no reason for me to, except that I wanted to. I've become far less capricious as I get older. Now that I am a woman, I do the very best I can to accept every bit of love that a person can give me. I expect that from the people I know. To let me have the opportunity to be the very best I can be for them, even when my very best is sometimes far less than I want to give, or far less than that person may deserve.
And while I'm here, let me tell you what doesn't matter:
your age, your sex, your race. I don't care what religion you are. I don't care if your personal habiits dont jive with mine. I could care less what you eat or what you look like. I know I'm vain, and I'm a total lech, but if I love you there's not a chance in the world that would change if you somehow became less physically attractive. The heart, that's what matters. I don't care if your family is crazy. I don't really care if you're crazy. I don't care where you go or what you do. What matters to me is the things above.
There are other things, to be sure. I can't list them all here. But I had to say that. To you, to the people I love who read this, and to myself.
If you're ever wondering, if you want to know whether or not you mean something to me, ask yourself this:
If you weren't in my life, would it change me?
If you left my life tonight, would it change me? Would it hurt me?
Could you break my heart?
Could you disappoint me?
Can you hurt me?
Do I trust you with my secrets?
Do I trust you with my heart?
If you could answer yes to any one of those questions, you mean more to me than you'll ever know. If you're reading this blog, I'm guessing, just possibly, you can. Because if you couldn't, why would you be here?
I know I say it a lot, but I mean it tonight with all of myself.
I love you. Always. Unconditionally.