Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Tonight is a night for confession. Last night I was talking to Oscelot and she asked me what I am afraid of. Its something I don't think of very often. Indeed, I think most of us shy away from such unplesant musings. I think, however, it was good for me. Its not often I discuss the things that scare me, and to tell the truth I have quite a few of them. I'm trusting you not to judge me, because I know that you have things that scare you too.

Spiders. I've mentioned this one before. I don't like them. They actually make me scream.

I'm afraid of egg timers, for no discernable reason.

I'm afraid of drowning.

I'm afraid of police officers. (Leftover fear from childhood I think)

I'm afraid of falling from a height. Despite this I still like to rock climb, repel, and ride roller coasters. I think its my way of coping with my fear.

I'm afraid of failing. Yeah, I'm a perfectionist. I hate not doing thigns right. But when it comes to the things I want most, like publishing, or finishing college, I am terrified of failing. I absolutely cannot stand the idea that I'm not good enough.

I'm afriad of suceeding. If I do accomplish what I want, what next? What if I can't get a good job? What if I can't get one at all? What if I publish and then no one likes anything I write after that? What if I get published and no one likes the first one? The thought of continuing to scucceed haunts me.

I'm afraid of dying alone.

I'm afraid of loving someone and them not loving me back.

I'm afraid of driving away the people I love.

I'm afraid of something happening to me, or someone I care about, and me not having told them everything I needed to.

I'm afraid of disappointing the people who expect things from me.

I'm afraid of people. Especially strangers.

I'm afraid of watching people I love suffer and me not be able to do anything about it.

I'm afraid of driving. Still. Even after all this time. All it took was one car accident. I hate being behind the wheel. I confront this one every day. Fortunately, Kitten likes to drive, so I dont have to anytime we go somewhere together.

I'm afraid of bridges. Like the eggtimer, something I can't explain. I actually like water. I like looking at brindges...driving over them, though. It makes me shudder. Same thing with dams. I seriously dislike dams.

I'm afraid of losing everything I have. This may be why I dislike tornados now, even though I didn't as a teenager, or as a child.

I'm afraid of being attacked. Even more so that if I defended myself that I couldn't or that if I could that I would hurt them so badly I would end up being punished for it. Don't get me wrong, I still would, but the thought of the consequences is another dear compounding a fear that I already have.

Yeah, that's a good start on things that creep me out, unsettle me, or leave me breathless with fright. For the most part, I deal with them. I don't think about it much. That may make me a coward.

There are times though, espescially the intangible ones, that I sit and think about it until I am dizzy with fear. It will turn over and over in my head until I can't even function. Usually this happens late at night, which would probably explain why I don't sleep a whole lot, or when I do why I try so hard to focus my dreams in a specific direction.

This isn't a complete list, to be sure. But its definately a good start. What are you afraid of? How do you deal with it?

I'm off for a (hopefully) good night's sleep.

All my love to you tonight.


1 comment:

  1. Substitute rats for spiders, and you and I have a lot of the same fears. I think many of my fears are related to loss of control, or perhaps my control issues stem from my fears. Either way, not good.

    The most debilitating of my fears is the fear of failure/fear of success. True, it's technically two fears. But they work with (against?) one another on me, and can paralyze me faster than anything other than the sight of a rat. It's caused me a lot of stress and related health issues since I've went back to school, I won't lie. But I'm so glad that I did face them down to get my degree. Going through it again, though, as I face grad school.

    How do I deal with the fears? If I don't have to think about them, I don't. If I do have to face one, I take a deep breath, try not to think about what I'm about to do, and then do it.