Friday, December 30, 2011

There's Nothing That I Won't Try

Its that time of year again. Yep, my calendar shows we only have one more day after today before 2011 is gone forever. I don't regret it, with the coming of each new year there is always something exciting and different. I like change. I like newness. You know me well enough, novelty is always welcome.

But, as always, it is time to evaluate and look forward. Now, technically, I do that on October 31, and my new year started a couple months ago. But, if you separate the spiritual new year with the calendar one, well- now's the time, isn't it? I'm terribly afraid all of you religious blog readers are going to be bored, for I know every blogger must feel compulsed to do this kind of post. My only reassurance is that you must like me, or you'd not be reading, so progress for me might be interesting to you, no?

I suppose I ought to start off with what I was resolved upon last year. I can't seem to find my dang list, but I remember what I was planning on last year. My big ones were 1) to read a new book every other day or so for the whole year 2) not to reread any books I've already read and 3) to be down to two cigarettes a day by Jan 1, 2012. I failed. Epically. I did read quite a lot of books, but I have a tedency to pick big ones, so of course I never did make it to the 127 mark. But I did read quite a few new books this year and I enjoyed them very much.

Among my new ones that I enjoyed were the Inheritance Cycle, by Christopher Paolini; The Sex Lives of Cannibals and Getting Stoned with Savages by J. Maarten Troost and Band of Brothers by Steven Ambrose. I picked up some non-fiction too, reading about the court of Henry VIII and about Elizabeth I. That was fun. I have lately become addicted to the series of Books of Useless Information. They're great fun to read. So all in all, I'm not angry with my showing of new books. I did, also, reread my favorites. It turns out that the call of Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice and The Count of Monte Cristo were too much for me. Although I made it until March before I broke down.

I am obviously not down to one cigarette a day. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I will say this- I smoke less than I did. I also realized I'm not a person who smokes because they are stressed or because they want to loose weight or whatever. I honestly like to smoke, and I like the flavor of tobacco. Since me quitting is more a health thing than anything else, I'm considering investing in a hookah. Shisha tobacco is less harsh and tastes better. I'm relatively certain if I had a hookah at home, I'd quit smoking cigarettes. I'm just snob enough to confess it. If I have good tobacco at home smoking Marlboro at work will not suffice for me, and I dont have time to roll my own or any of that sort of nonsense. And hookah takes too long to smoke at work. Haha.

Now, outside of those failed resolutions I have had a good year for personal change. I've learned a lot about myself.

Sometime just before May, when we officially formed our coven, I began to think about my personal flaws. I know I have many, but the one I kept coming back to most often was my anger problem. It was something I decided at that time that I really wanted to work on. Since then, with the help of my coven on occasion, I've really taken the time to think before I get angry and conssider whether or not I am really mad, or if I need to be. I've been taking a moment to consider whether or not a vertain situation that makes me angry will really effect me in the long run, and Ithink my temper has improved by leaps and bounds. Now, I'm not perfect, not even close...but I do think I am much closer than I was to embracing the darker side of myself and using it for something mroe than counter-productive and often futile fuming over nonsense.

As a result, I have found I am actually able to meditate. I can travel astrally with much more ease. My spellwork has seriously improved. Not to mention, I am much more plesant to be around. A side effect of me learning to control my temper is that I have been forced to work on my patience. I won't lie, sometimes work is a trial to me. Its not that I don't like my job or the people I work with. For the most part, I do. I'm really very lucky. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when I don't want to claw the walls. Instead, I am learning to take a deep breath and try for perspective. Even in my persoanl relationships, I find myself practicing patience. Part of it, for me, is realizing (as I did earlier this uyear) that I am a rather high maintenance partner. I'm nto demanding, but emotionally I carry a lot of weight. I also require a lot of physical affection and constant reassurance. My recognizing this has made me much more patient with regards to Oscleot and Kitten. I feel bad for them sometimes. I never regret them loving me, but I do know sometimes I don't make it easy. As a dedicated partner, I have foudnt here are often times I must be patient with them. I find it easier to do now, especially in consideration of how often I think they must be patient with me. Again, I know I fail more frequently than I ought, but I am much more in control now than I ever was.

This year at work brought promotion, and with it I learned to face my terror of failure. I aldo had to face my fear that everyone hates me- and accept it. I've come to terms with the fact that as an older staff member, one of the most senior ones, and one of the most dogmatic about the way I do things, I'm natually going toh ave people not like me. Add in that Ihave a reputation (rather deserved actually) of being a huge bitch, and yeah, I can't really expect most people to like me. I'm okay with it. Now, I have tried to be more reasonable, I have tried to be fair and good to our staff. I think its helping me succeed, because they are very willing to work with me, and for that I am really grateful. Of course, I know that I screw up now and again (okay, a lot) but I think I am gradually overcoming that terror that one day I'm going to walk into Casa Bueno and they're going to say "Alecya, you're a terrible supervisor,and we realized we don't like you. You're fired." I have to give my bosses credit, they wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that I don't worry about it all the same.

With regards to relationships (outside my romantic ones, with Kitten and Oscelot, which you get to hear about all the time) I've found a firm footing in my world for once. I thought that I was really a rather lonely person until this year. After years of feelig like my friends were not really my own ,I finally have that sense that I belong somewhere. The forming of our coven brought Sakura to me, much closer than we had been before. In the crosswires I was lucky enough thast Hedgewitch and her husband came into (or back into, rather) my life. I've missed that old sense of connection, and there's nothing like an old friend tohelp give you perspective and love, and remind you you aren't nearly as screwed up as you think you are- or that if you are, well, aren't we all?

I made a few mistakes, I think. I mistook some of the people It hought were my friends. I made some relationship mistakes that ended some friendships. But, I'm pkay with it. I think to myself now, I deserve people who love me at my worst. I do. And Ithink, sometimes, I erringly pick people who only see me at my best. It doesn't help me to do that. I have to be willing to let people see me when I'm not at 100% or hell, barely at 1%.

In that light, I lucked into Flyguy, who has already seen me sick more times than I care to admit, and who despite all of my oddities, has stuck me outand become a spectacular friend. His goodness is only equalled by his humor and his ability to see right through all my rediculous pretensions right into what I really am, which most days is a silly girl, playing at being a woman, trying desperately to cover up the fact that she is terrified of everything. In fact, I mentioned to him the other night, sometimes it amazes me how terribly vain and compeltelyinsecure I canbe all at once. He smiled at me, and his response makes me feel so much better, so terribly normal, that I can't help but love him for it. Of course, working with him is a bonus, because I feel much less isolated and old when I work with him. I can't believe I ever thought he was a personality void. Turns out, friends, first impressions are not everything (who knew?).

Through all of this year, and I have to mention her, because Iknow she's reading and wondering where the hell she's atin all of this- Perpet has become a better friend than ever. Seems like the distance between here and the rose City is gradually shrinking because we will it to. I was so happy to see her at Yule, I couldn't believe it. It seems like light has burst into myhome, and I am thankful she and the Boy were there to be with me for it. Also, in case you didn't know, she's going to be a famous author one day. Seriously. She's well on her wya. I couldn't be prouder. This year she has given me more good advice, more comfort and more laughs than just about anyone.

So, you see, I've been a very lucky woman. Of course, I have other friends, other people who bear mentioning here, but Iwould bore you with a laundry list of how fortuante I truly am. Although (Bobcat and Lynx) I have to make a special shout out to the people in my Kitteh family, because they do mean so very much to me.

Normally, I suppose, this would be the time when I talk about the resolutions I've made, and how I'm going to achieve them. But the one thing I've learned this year is that soetimes growth isn't quantifiable until after its been achieved, and the things you can count aren't always the ones that should count. Instead, I will say this. I want to keep working on my anger. I need to keep working on my patience. Spiritually, I've aquired apatron god, one who willingly reminds me that I am vain and rather silly. They are things I know will need to change for me to be a happy, successful person, and witch. At Yule, rather than wishing, I blessed myself, and I chose more friends, love, health and spirituality. These are things I already have, yes, but they are things I want to keep and to grow in this next year. I want to grow my skills as a witch, and I want to grow myself as a person. I can't quantify that. I can say, though, that in hte next year, we can watch my progress together. And you, my friend, will always be there to remind e that I've chosen to make myself better, and that once a choice is made there isn't a way to take it back.

I sincerely hope that each of you has found many blessings this year. I hope that 2011 was kind to you, and that when it wasn't you were able to bear through it. I think we can, together, approach 2012 with the Grace and Humor we all hold within us. We wouldn't be friends otherwise, right?

Lord and Lady Bless you. Be safe, and have a wonderful start to your new year. I'm glad for you being here. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Drinking the Dawn

The sun was being born, brilliant and startling and I was in your arms. I was being remade, strange and trembling as I felt you all around me. And there, in that moment, I felt my pulse like I never had before. It beat in my lips and against my chest in a frightening display of rebellion and ecstasy. I could feel the room flashing about me as my eyelids fluttered and I was undone.

The room spun, and it took you with me- tumbling over again and again as I learned myself from the tips of your lips. I took each lesson, a long drink at your mouth, and found I was drunk on the feeling of you knowing who I am. I could see it in your eyes and the flash of your teeth as you smiled down on me and tore through me with speed and accuracy.

I find myself wondering idly what you saw in my eyes in that moment.

I could tilt my head back and beyond the brilliance of the sun, and the spinning, and the light that danced up from out of my mouth and into yours; I could look up and see the dust in the sky, the shadows of each planet and the stars hiding their faces. The heat of that moment was too much for them to bear. I felt their pulse too, and only in fleeting moments can I remember it without the pain they surely felt at seeing us together.

That moment, with you, I could feel the earth open up and wrap itself around me, just as you had. I could feel my hands and my feet and my nails and my hair being bound up in it, tight- so tight that I almost stopped completely. I can hear now that soft escaping sigh, the release so quiet I could hardly confess it, and I remember the feeling of the earth, your skin, coming up soft and sweet smelling between my fingernails.

I remember like the wind, the way my hair fell, tangled and confused as you took me over. Soft, tossed, like silk spun in secret at twilight it carried its own whisper. Never stop. Never go. This is too much, and enough and I am so soon empty and aching for more of what I've lost. Gather me up, hold me tight, braid me into a tale of sweetness and perfection I cannot believe but must.

There's a soft velvet purring in my chest. The sun rises higher in the sky. I close my eyes, I wait for dark. I wait for you. There is nothing but this moment, my memory, my heartbeat and the hope of another dawn with you.



As you can see, I sat down to write a normal post and nonsense came out instead. My apologies. I'll be returning to my regularly scheduled redundancy as soon as possible.

Does anyone have any topic suggestions?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I cannot rest, I think of you

So today is Yule, our winter solstice celebration. I think I recieved the best gifts I could have ever asked for last night. Perpet and the Boy are in town and I got to spend the evening with them, Sakura and FlyGuy. I swear, just having Perpet's head resting on my knee was more than I could have asked for. I forget sometimes how very much I miss her.

The house was definately full of happiness and laughter and a fair bit of shouting seeing as how we all love to talk over one another. I'm pretty happy for that. It was delightful to see Kitten struggling to stay awake two nights in a row because she wanted to be with them as long as she could too. It was nice.

Of course, I had a headache the whole time, but you know, with a fair amount of cuddling and painkillers it was managable most of the night. I didn't get sick too often.

I thought to myself halfway through the evening how funny it was. We had planned on playing games, but you know, when we get together we are all so very pretentious (no, its not on purpose! Its how we are) we couldn't get a game started because we were too busy discussing feminist dichotomies and the economy and Magic the Gathering (yeah, yuk it up) and movies versus their book and comic book counter parts.Perpet and I had a lengthy conversation about the publishing industry. I think we horrified the poor guys by discussing at length remedies and implements for your menstrual cycle. That got us back on the topic of feminism and we started all over again. I thought to myself, you know, we should have just planned on making the whole evening a gabfest.

I'm sure I will be back with a full report of the holidays soon, but I felt compelled to say that this morning I woke up with the most warm and delicious feeling all over me. (No, it wasn't the drugs) I was warm and I felt so loved. I know that I've got two wonderful women who love me. I also got to spend the evening with four people I know love me too. I sincerely hope that I am able to show them as often as possible how very much they mean to me.

I am teetering on the edge of too much happiness. I am almost unable to bear it. Someone remind me of that when reality comes knocking, because right now things are almost too right.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Toll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Well, Yule is just around the corner. For me, that means more time to focus on the family and on my friends and reflect on the things that I want for myself in the coming year. For me, this is a time of renewal, where I think about making my life better and the lives of the people around me better. I also take time to think about how fortunate I am.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I come from a relatively low class background. I don't mean my family is not classy (although we can address that later) but I do mean my parents we lower working class folks. When I was a kid Christmas and Easter were a time when I got new clothes because my relatives bought them for me, and if I was lucky, my grandparents would pull out an awesome toy or two. We received the Christmas and Thanksgiving baskets from the charitable organizations in our town. I don't feel ashamed, and unlike Punk, I am not mad at my parents for it. They did the best they could for me.

I do, however, think now about how very lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, and that roof belongs to me and Kitten. We own our home. We've got a reliable vehicle. Its warm inside. I don't lack books or other forms of entertainment. Our pantry is full. Honestly, my life is full. We're happy. We're in love. We have a wonderful chosen family and we don't have much to wish for. I mean, we can all use more money. A bigger home would be nice. But all of these things aren't things we need. Which is my point.

Well, the beginning of my point. I think (along with many people, I'm sure) that this season has become painfully commercialized and self centered. I called my grandmother today to tell her if she didnt have Christmas plans to come over on the evening of the 25th for dinner. She immediately apologized for not having presents for me and the girls. It made me sad. I don't want gifts from her. I don't see her enough. I just would like her company. I tried to tell her not to worry, and to tell her I was more concerned that she has the things she needs, but I don't think I really got through to her. If she does stay in town this holiday, I hope she comes to see us.

This year we've decided not to exchange gifts with eachother, me Kitten and Oscelot. In part, like I said, because we have everything we need. In part, we realize money is tight and we'd rather give to our family and friends than to each other. Then we got to talking about two of the girl's coworkers, who are dating. The lady has a son and she's terrified she won't be able to get him a Christmas present. We had already decided to get them some things (Kitten picked out a gorgeous sweater for her, I love it) and put it together as a gift for them. We decided last night money isn't so tight we couldn't go grab some more things for them that we know they'd enjoy and pick up some toys for the kiddo too. I like this idea so much better than getting something for ourselves. It seems right, you know?

Of course, this cued me to have to google what the heck seven year old boys like for toys. I was suprised. I saw nerf on the list, as well as some other toys and games that we played with when I was a kid. Of course, once I got to toys-r-us this morning I almost died when I realized a really good nerf gun costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 and that isn't including all the stuff you need to really trick the toy out. Did you know they make semi-automatic and automatic nerf guns now? That they make mock kevlar vests with holsters and ammo holders now? Its a far cry from the toy I remember as a kid. Cooler, oh yes, but much more advanced. Anyway, I've gotten some ideas for them, and I'm pretty excited that by the end of the week we'll be able to pick up some seriously fun stuff.

So, anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that everyone else seems concerned with the gifts they're going to get; I'm excited to see that we can enjoy a holiday of just giving. If you have the spare money, I defiantely encourage you to give something to someone who is less fortunate than you. I know, without exception, my friends are very lucky, very blessed people.

In other holiday news, I had the official Holiday Fight with my mother this morning. I called her to see how she was and to remind her that we had set aside all of Christmas Day night for her to come spend with us. I planned on cooking dinner and whatnot. She told me she wasn't making any plans, because she didn't know what everyone was doing. I pointed out that was why I was trying to tell her what we were up to. She asked then (as she has for the last three years) whether or not she could bring my brother, or if we would consider having dinner with him too. And, as I have for the last three years, I told her no.

I don't feel like I need to reiterate why it is I am estranged from my brother, or why I feel it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my home. Even if he had apologized to me, his temper is volitle and I don't want to expose Oscelot to it. Or Kitten for that matter.

Of course, this brought on a shouting match with mom. (well, she shouted) She accused me of being unforgiving and childish. I pointed out I forgive him, I just don't feel the need to expose myself to that kind of disrespect. I also don't think its healthy for my family. She seized on the word respect and said it was disrespectful towards her for me to not spend time with him during the holidays for her sake. I countered that I thought it was disrespectful of her to expect me to, seeing as how he told me he wished I would die of AIDS. I don't really think I should have to be around people who actively wish me ill. She told me to grow up and then hung up on me.

So, as always, I'm left to think what I will, since she swears she won't spend Christmas with us because I won't welcome my brother into my home. Honestly, its no skin off my back, since we don't celebrate Christmas, we only do it with our families out of respect for their holiday traditions. But, I am sure, she will inevitably ignore me until an unspecifed time right before Christmas, and then call and try to confirm some sort of plan at the last minute. Last year we each guessed a date that she would call. Oscelot got it right, she called two days before Christmas. This year, Kitten and I have bet on the 21, which is our Yule. Perpet has bet on the 23rd. We'll see. Honestly, it seems pointless. Last year Kitten's mom came over and had breakfast with us and we played board games all day. She only left because my mom came over and made it apparent (with a TON of rude remarks) that she wanted her to leave because she was encroaching on her time with us. What really killed me was she only stayed for about half an hour, even though we had made dinner for her and everything. She didn't even eat.

Ah, well. I see now why Kitten used to hate the holidays. I don't mind it so much now. We have a good way of working things out. WE go to midnight mass with Dad, have breakfast with her mom and dinner with mine. Its easy. We take thir gifts to them and we spend the rest of the time relaxing. I think we're finally beyond stressing about it. Although, I must confess, I am sorely tempted to make plans the night of the 25th if my mom doesn't call by the 20th. I refuse to sit around the house hoping she'll drop by. That's mean of her and pathetic of me.

Anyway, so the holidays are not so bad this year because we have things to cheer us up. Also, I might note, Mrs. Boss knows when Yule is, so she was kind enough to give me my religious day off so I could celebrate. I didn't even have to ask. She is so cool sometimes.

Also, I'm trying to get together enough money to get her boy a copy of the Count of Monte Cristo. He loves to read and we both just finished the Eragon books. We sat and talked about it, and he flattered me by asking if I would help him with his homework on the Hobbit. I plan on rereading Lord of the Rings whenever he gets around to reading it. He's so smart. Only in 6th grade and reading the stuff I like too. He's bringing me a book about the assasination of Abraham Lincoln, and I think I'll enjoy it. I figure I could repay the favor and get him something good too.

So that's the holidays thus far in a nutshell. Tomorrow we're going to start making ornaments for Yule with blessings on them. It'll be fun.

How's your holiday going?


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

You know me as deep as the sea goes

First, I ought to thank you guys for the comments you left for me on my last post. I feel better already.

Second, I should tell you that I had a good time at the concert. This is Brandi's first solo tour and she was absolutely amazing. She even did some covers and some new music. I loved it all. I was enthralled. Her song sang me to sleep last night as I turned over on our suprisingly uncomfortable hotel pillows. (The bed was great, the pillows not so much...)

On the way home, in a dramamine induced haze, I wrote a new poem. Its terrible, and it needs work, but I thought you might be interested to see the raw form before I play with it. I should note, I'm pleased it doesn't rhyme. At least I'm getting away from that.

Terrible Trite Poem #2

There was one who shone
like the sunlight glinting
off fast moving streams,
tumbling over bare feet
hand in hand
laughing and smiling
like the moment would never end

There was one that melted
you like chocolate ice cream
on a hot summer night
as the rain began to crash down
into your eyes
into your mouth
into your ears
like secrets that you whispered
like that hour would never end

There was one who pulled
you into dizzying circles
as you laughed and laughed
as the dark closed aorund you
and the laugh became a sigh
and the sigh became a kiss
and as you held each other tight
you prayed the night would never end

There was one who kindled
the fire as the storm rose and
the light was stolen
from the sky
as you closed your eyes and listened
to the cold outside howl
and shriek
and bend everyone but you
to its will
As you hoped against hope
the world wouldn't end

There was one who laughed
in the dark
when you weren't listening
when you were planning and playing
and whiling away you time
quoting old lies
thinking that your time would never end

There is the one whom you flayed
as the bright lights shone down
in the arena and you were exposed
dispassionate and sage
you know that pain and devotion
are tortures without end.


There is one who looks on
with a smile, as you stand
victorious but suddenly
One who feels you reel back at the hurt
and smallness in your voice
You song becomes a cry
your cry becomes a moan
your moan became defeat
And the oen watched,
knowing, unlike you,
where compassion ends.

Yeah. So that's the damage. It might have potential. Might.

Also, before I away to bed, I'd like to say- I was right. Its always nice to be justified.

Have a good one, and I'll see you bright and early.


Monday, December 5, 2011

Self Preservation Is A Full Time Occupation

This morning I should be up and excited, we're heading off to Kansas City, MO today to see Brandi Carlile in concert. I am excited about it, but there's something weighing on my mind.

I am a coward. A complete, utter coward. Its really bothering me.

Yesterday at work one of my coworkers needed a margarita made and I told them I would get it for them. When I went to the bar I saw Mrs. Boss pulling their drink ticket and talking to them about the drink. I assumed it was being made and went about my business. Turns out, the drink never got made. Well, it didn't for quite some time.

Now, while I admit this person should probably have come to kick me in the pants, I also confess I should have been responsible enough to follow up with them to make sure everything was okay. Not long after that Mr. Boss found out the drink didn't get made. He made it, and then he went to yell at that server about their lack of follow through and attention to detail. Mr. Boss doesn't yell too often, actually, its pretty rare. I know he's been under a lot of strain from corporate lately to make things better, nay- perfect- with regards to our service standards in the store.

I should have jumped in. First, it was my mistake that caused this to happen. Second, yelling at a relatively new server about mistakes makes them afraid. They don't want to get yelled at again so they refuse to take risks when they should, they develop bad habits, they become timid. None of these things are things we want for our staff. By all rights, I should have interrupted and told him it was my fault and let him yell at me. But I was afraid.

Shame on me.

What kind of leader, supervisor, am I to be if I am afraid to go to bat for my staff? It would have been no skin off my back. Mr. Boss likes me. Even if he had turned his yelling on me, I wouldn't have been fired. I wouldn't have been written up. What he really needed was to let go of all the pent up frsutration he's been feeling about our company standards and our very new crew not quite making it up to snuff yet. I know better. I am better than that. I actually had nightmares about concience is certainly punishing me for it today, that's for sure. What shames me more is that I am particularly fond of the coworker he was yelling at. It should have been even more incentive for me to be defensive on their behalf. Yet, I wasn't.

You know what's funny, I got to thinking about it yesterday, and then again this morning when I was laying in bed thinking about my dream. I'm afraid of men sometimes. Now, don't take that the wrong way...I'm not one of those lebians who think all men are evil and out to hurt me and every other woman they run across. I'm not terrified to be near them. I don't think they are bad or less superior than women...its not like that.

Anyone who knows me will tell you, I like to hang out with guys. They make good friends. That make excellent companions. But, truth be told, a man in even a slightly bad mood terrifies me. Up close and personal I am always nervous about them. I find them physically intimidating. I'm not sure why. I mean, I could postulize about the men in my life that hurt me and scared me and treated me poorly, but I'm also a rational enough person to know that just because one man hits or emotionally abuses or physically intimidates does not mean they all will. Even in light of what my brother Punk called "my taste for losers" I know that the men that came before Kitten were not a representative sample of all men, I just happened to choose a lot of jerks. In fact, as many of my close friends can attest, I find myself more angry than afraid when it comes to those situations, especially the ones from my past that involve me personally. I'm not a cower in the corner kind of girl. I'm a step up, return the blow and raise my voice in rage kind of girl.

So, yes, I thought about it and I marveled at myself because I have realized that the only two men I know that I am not actively intimidated by are Saukura and FlyGuy. Might also explain why the two of them are the only two men that visit my home with any frequency. I mean this as no affront to the other men I know, especially to the very sweet husbands of some of my closest friends. They know that. But like it or not, men make me anxious when they are physically close to me. Even if I know they won't hurt me.

If I had a therapist still, this would go on a list of things I need to resolve immediately. As it is, I don't, so I have to ponder my own cowardice here. I have to confess, I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. I feel like I am somehow less....I don't know. Less. Having realized this, of course, I will take the time to think on it, I will think of how I might overcome this irrational fear.

I'm not the kind of woman who likes to be afraid. I don't tolerate fear, though I have plenty. I'm pretty sure I've posted about my fears before. But, truth be told, when I am afraid, I usually push it out of my mind. Life must go on, and I must learn to walk upright if I am to be successful. This, to me, was an incident that pointed out a glaring chink in the armor with which I protect myself on a day to day basis.

I'm off, I have to pack. Honestly, I feel better having shared with you this rediculous cowardice on my part. That might just be the first step to becoming a better woman. There's no telling.

I'll be back tomorrow with a report about the concert and how things went. I hope you have a beautiful Monday.


Friday, December 2, 2011

How I Miss You, and I Just Want to Kiss You

The weeks continue to tumble by so quickly I have hardly the chance to keep up! I feel the turning of the earth below me, faster than usual it seems, and I look forward to the approach of the holiday season immensly. I must confess, part of that excitement is knowing that my dearest friend, Perpet and her husband, Boy, will be in town soon and I will get to see her for the first time in over a year. I'm happy about it, I haven't been able to spend quality time with her in a couple of years at least. It delights me to know they are coming for a good solid week and I can spend time with her. It also makes me anxious to succeed so that we can move. I want a good home in a city that makes me happy, but it will be nice to be near her again when that time comes.

I am also looking forward to another excursion at the beginning of next week. The girls and I are heading to Kansas City, MO to go see the inimitable Brandi Carlile in concert once again. I am always delighted when she comes close enough to my hometown that I am able to go to see her. Especially when it makes it possible to not have to take more than two days off of work.

Speaking of work, I feel changes in the air. We've lost a pretty healthy amount of staff members as of late. I can't say I regret it, many who left are ones that needed to leave, so i am glad to have the chance to build a new crew with the proper skills and lack of bad habits. We had a meeting the other day with the managment and our trainers, and we set goals for things we'd like to accomplish. So far, things are looking well and everyone seems to be on board. If we are able to follow through, I will be delighted to work inan even better environment where everyone can play for the same team. I've got my hopes up, and I pray that they are not in vain. I pray we follow through. I think we will. Yesterday two of the trainers and I stayed after we got off work to do some deep cleaning and some much needed store rearranging, as far as decoration goes. We're doing it again Saturday morning before we work, and if all goes well, we think we might get permission to repaint, which is something we desperately need. I'll definately keep you updated there. I might even take some pictures, if I think of it.

Otuside of work I've made good progress on my new novel. It shows no signs of slowing, although I must make myself work if I wish to be successful. By all rights, I should be at it now. I comfort myself with the thought I can work tonight and gte back in the saddle. Everything is going as planned there, which makes me happy.

I've been reading more again, after taking a somewhat lengthy break from my usual book every day or two pace. I read Band of Brothers, by Steven Ambrose, which is a nonfiction account of E Company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. My Grandfather was in the 101st, so it was quite touching for me. I have even more respect for his bravery now than I had ever before. Afterwards, I have been taking the time to reread the Inheritance Cycle. The last book int he series came out just before I went on vacation. I want to purchase it, but I need to refresh myself on the series first. I have to confess, I love those books. Mrs. Boss is reading them now, her son convinced her to, and she is enjoying them. I can't wait to talk to her about them. She seems really excited. She even made me go into the office the other day and tell Mr. Boss that yes, they are better than the LOTR series. No offense to Tollkein, he was talented and created a beautiful world. Paolini, though did something better. Tollkein was an Oxford professor, Paolini was 16 when he wrote the first book inthe series. A far more difficult feat. I think the young man a genius. Plus, the books dont drag with heacy, florid language, but read with all the swiftness and excitment an action-adventure should have. Yes, I like them very much.

I've set Oscelot to reading David Sedaris. I thought, with her rather short attention span, that she might like the short stories. Also, he's funny as hell. She read When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I gave her to take on vacation with us. She loved it. I am going to read it next, its one that I haven't tackled yet. She's now onto Me Talk Pretty One Day, which I have read, and I loved. Its nice, because it gives us something to talk about. I like that, because sometimes I feel we have a tendency to fall into a rut and discuss work and other mundanities. I like having something to say that doesn't involve those things. Kitten, of course, I never seem to run out of things to talk about. She reads more than I do, which is great. I also get a great writing perspective for her, becaue she reads quite a bit in the genre I write, and she gives me a nice reader's perspective. She also reads a lot of Mystery and Thriller genre books, and while I don't read them myself, I am always interested in what she is reading because the plots give me fits sometimes.

One nasty side effect of the Eragon books, however, is I am feeling a bent towards poetry, which I am terrible at writing. Unfortunately, the books are riddled with poems and floral language, which always makes me want to try my hand at it. I always fail miserably. My poetry always sounds trite. Ah, well, its the thought that counts most days. I figure someday I will turn my head to the study of it, and then possibly escape my prison of meloncholy ABAB rhyming. in the meantime, I muddle through and laugh at my own work. It gives me perspective. I thought I would share my latest attempt with you. I sent it to Flyguy last night, and he was kind enough to respond with a correlating verse, which pleased me immensly.

My Stupid Poem

Draw a breath and close your eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies-
fast and hard the darkness turns
to slake desire for which we yearn.

Shatter quick the brittle glass
The one we hold which cannot last,
Turn the eye and shake the head
Tumble loose the feelings dead.

Yet lips murmur soft and sweet
Shower poison petals at the feet.
Trip them softly, trip them true
Another chance to play the fool.

Draw the bow and sight the sky
let yet another arrow fly.
Seeking true the greatest mark
In loving war, the subtle art.

Fill the quiver as you must,
Each wild repost and daring thrust
Draw a breath, and close the eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies.

Terrible isn't it? Ah, well. Practice makes perfect I hear. I will keep trying in the hopes of getting a passable poem at some point. In case you're interested, Flyguy's response, which I won't post here without obtaining his permission, addressed the preparatory moment before the arrow is let loose, the feeling of tension that fills us all before that moment comes, and how the past, the present and the future are our greatest burdens. I responded with a quick verse back:

Kiss the arrow, seal your fate. The time has come, you cannot wait.

It makes me want to keep after this miserable slog of a poem. Someone tell me to abandon it now.

Oh, an interesting thing I forgot to tell you with respect to work. Rogue doesn't work there anymore. She went back to our previous restaurant, because the old GMis gone and she quite likes the new one. I do hope she's happy. I was thinking the other day how odd it is, because I am no longer working with her, and I have since just after I started my old blog aeons ago. I commented to someone how strange it seemed, not having her in my life, whether we are friends ornot. Funnily enough, she friended me on Facebook that day. I say this in the most positive way possible, sometimes people we have loved, or people we still care for but are separated from, have a way of being a part of our lives always.

To be truthful, I have another friend I've been thinking of lately, and I know I've crossed their mind (not ego, sometimes you truly know things without being told) and I am interested to see how long it will take before they contact me. You never loose the people you love. Never. I'm waiting patiently, and we'll see. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

That's all I've got for now, although heaven knows I've got plenty to talk about.

We'll chat soon, eh?