I Don't Really Want To Be Seen In My Own Eyes

So its been a really long time right? But every now and again it seems like its good to get things off my chest, or to just write instead of micro-blog, which I do all the time on Tumblr, or to get distracted on Facebook or whatever it is that I'm normally up to when I should be in school and keeping on task. Fortunately for me, Kitten wanted to go to the library this afternoon to do some stuff for work and that leaves me here, in the library, on a snow day with not much to do but reflect. Its almost like its 2008 again....And since I had some recent food for thought...well, here I am. Again.

hello, old friends.

So we went to lunch with a friend of ours today and we were talking about working out at the gym. We're all pretty frequent work out partners, so its not uncommon to talk about it. We've started some new classes with them and I find I am much more challenged than I am by the other ones we're taking (not that my water classes and my cardio classes aren't killing me...I just never wish I was dead halfway though in them....) Anyway, the topic of what we think about while we're working out came up. Our friend was in the military and she said she always hears her drill instructors in her head. Kitten said she hears music- whether its what's on the radio or whatever she's earworming. She uses the beats to push herself. When the topic of what I heard came up, I answered, entirely honestly, that I hear myself. I've got a picture in my head of what I want from me, and I hear myself, over and over, saying that this- what I am now- is not good enough, its not what I want. It pushes me.

I was a little taken aback when our friend suggested that I might need to get help because of it. Her position is I'm like this all the time, with everything and it indicates I might need to get psychological help to fix it.

I want to preface this with what will seem like excuse: I don't think how I feel is unhealthy. I don't hate myself. I like myself better now than I think I ever have. But I want things from myself- a better, healthier body, perfect grades, a Masters in the next five years, a farm, a fistful of friends that care about me. I want to be more compassionate, more feeling, more humble. I want to be less angry and less afraid. I know myself. I've given myself too much slack, too much room to pity myself and too much time to wallow in my shortcomings. I don't think its wrong, now, to push myself as hard as I can. It makes me better.

Some people might see that as going overboard- but I know what I've accomplished. I've got perfect grades. I've been invited to join the honors fraternity, which was my goal last semester. I won our public speaking forum because I pushed myself to stop being afraid, to never rely on anything but myself when it came to my speaking ability. I'm at head of all my classes and I am learning, quickly, to love the subjects I feared. I'm in a degree program I started out knowing almost nothing about, and I'm already making huge leaps towards my career goals. I have a great marriage. I'm good at my job- hell, I'm good at every position in the restaurant I work at. All of them. The only person better than me is Kitten- and I'm never going to cook the way she does. I'm at peace with that. I've lost 12 pounds since December. I'm almost to the point of putting back on the muscle weight I'll need. That's huge. I'm not afraid to look in the mirror when I wake up anymore. Its because I'm doing the best I can for myself- and it has nothing to do with hating who I am. I am holding myself to my standard: to give myself the very best I can, including total commitment to being 100% honest and accountable to myself, all the time. I don't look at that as something that I need to fix. To me, its not weakness, is strength.

But all of that, all those things, in the light of who I am now may seem extreme. Because she's a new friend, I haven't had the time to tell her all the things that you know about me. What I know about myself. But if I did, I would have told her of all the progress I've made.

I don't see my body the way I  should. I know that. But I've overcome my eating disorder. I know what I see in the mirror isn't real. And I know that I'm always going to struggle with my weight, and my looks. But I also learned to set reasonable goals, to know what's healthy for a woman my height and age. To know what I want from myself and to learn to love and accept what I see. To accept the love that everyone around me gives me- just because I see something different doesn't mean they're wrong. And in spite of some of the terrible things that have happened to me, I don't see my body as damaged goods, or unworthy. I can see myself of something whole and beautiful and worthy of love and perfection. That's a gift only I can give me. And I know, always, that anyone who is allowed to see any part of my body is being given a gift from me.

I'm clean. I've kicked my addiction. That was a struggle, and every time I think of how I am not strong enough, or not good enough, I remember coming out of it and how hard it was for me. I remember how sick I felt, how afraid I felt.  I remember feeling weak, pathetic. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not a slave to anything in my life. That's a lot of freedom to give yourself.

In spite of that fact that I have what most people would call a terrible self esteem, I don't hate myself anymore. I've forgiven myself for my mistakes. I realize that I can't blame myself for everything that's happened to me. I also know that when I have to accept the blame for a bad decision, that doesn't make me a horrible person. I don't punish myself for things I've done. I don't allow myself to dwell on the past- as much as I possibly can- and I've finally stopped replaying in my head every mistake I make and every failure I've experienced as I go to bed each night. That's huge for me. I don't believe I owe anyone any part of who I am. I believe I deserve better than second best from anyone. Once, I would have accepted friendship and love that was half-assed or inattentive, thankful for anything anyone gave me. Not anymore. And I've stopped making apologies for who I am and what I love. No one gets to determine what's worthy of me but me.

Most of all, I know I'm capable of love and compassion. For most people, that wouldn't seem like much of an accomplishment, but because of who I am, I know that's huge. I've faced the darkest parts of who I am and I know, in my soul, that part of me is very cold, very calculating. I know there's a detached, angry woman who lives inside me and I have to take her and use her to be stronger. I am better than the manipulation I am capable of. I am more than the motivations of my fear and anger. I have learned, finally, as a result of my former self-loathing, how to spot it in others, how to see the needs of the people around me; and I am able, now, to hurt and feel for people in a way I never was capable and really never wanted to. I'm not afraid to give myself away anymore, and I am capable of accepting love and compassion for others without the fear that I am pitied or thought less of.

I fight myself for control all the time. I know that. I push myself hard, maybe more than most people. But after all this time, after all I've been through, don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to give myself, to demand from myself, only the very best? I don't want to let myself down. I want to be proud of my accomplishments. I want to be remarkable, because I am capable of it. I don't like failure but I can accept it- the only thing I cannot accept is that one day I will look back and see I didn't give myself every possible opportunity to be the most whole and happy person I can be because I didn't try hard enough. There's so much to this world. I want to see it all, I want to feel it all. I want to know everything there is to know. I won't get there by taking it easy.

After all this, though, I see that I am capable of forgiveness too. Because I inherently think if she thinks that, it could be true, right? I need to fix myself, right? But I know me, better than anyone else. I can forgive myself for the strain I feel. I can forgive her for hurting me by saying that, because it did hurt. But after all this time, I know, just the way you do...I'm much more. I've come so very far, and its not something that she can see, because she doesn't know that me yet. She hasn't seen me in that light. That, on its own, means I have to let that comment go and forgive. It does, though, give me a chance to see and reflect on my own progress and abilities and be thankful for what it is I've become.

I'm never going to be perfect, but I'll never stop trying. I don't think knowing I'll fail makes me foolish in pursuing that which is futile. I feel braver, stronger, knowing that I'm going to give myself the chance to be more than I ever thought I could be just a decade ago.

I'm worth that.

I love you. I'm glad you came by to listen. You're always welcome here.
AGxx

What Really Matters

So I've finally had that day. The one I dread. The one I have managed not to have in a while. I did something really, really stupid. And when I did that somethign really, really stupid, I managed to hurt someone.

I'm not going to talk about it. Not really. Because its between me and that person and I talk about them here and they don't deserve me airing my dirty laundry at their expense. What I will say is that this is a person I love very much. Its someone who is incredibly important to me. Its someone I would be very upset to have out of my life.

So me, being stupid, upsetting them...I'm a moron. But it did give me something to reflect about and that's actually what I'm going to write about tonight.

Sometimes, as a friend and a lover, priorities seem really clear. Sometimes, as a friend and a lover, they are not. Regardless of whether you are talking about someone you love romantically, or someone whom you love as a friend, being really clear about your priorities when it comes to the love you have for them is so very important.

I'm a big fan of communication. I think its what makes every relationship work. I think the minute you stop talking is the minute your relationship begins to deteriorate. I've actually had fights, fairly recently, with people I love about just that. Of course, if you're like me, you usually manage to talk yourself into a corner. You'll say something without thinking, or you'll say something you don't mean. You'll say something stupid or hurtful. Its times like this that its really important that the people you love truly know your heart.

For you, my blogger friends, and my real friends, let me tell you what matters to me.

Are you a good person? i don't mean do you not break laws. I mean do you think about the consequences of your actions before you act? Do you care if you hurt someone when you act? That's important.

Are you honest? Ivalue honesty in a person. I especially value it because I've often found myself in a place where people aren't honest with me. My family seems to be made up of pathological liars. I do my best, but I honestly will have a hard time telling the truth if I know it will hurt someone, hurt me, or get me into trouble. Its incredibly difficult sometimes for me to be honest. But its somethign I've worked on, and having good, honest people in my life is wonderful.

Do you care about me? Does what happens to me matter at all to you? I've gone through a lot in the past where I've thrown myself heart and soul into a relationship only to find out that the person I've been trying to build it with could give a rats ass whether I loved them, or was their friend, or even if Iliked them at all. I hate being used. It leaves me feeling empty and worthless. There's nothing worse than a false friend or lover. If I wanted those, I would be a hermit and settle for one night stands every now and again.

Are you willing to agree to disagree? I dont' have a problem being friends with people who have ideas or lifestyles different from mine. I like it. I think variety enriches your life and improves your world outlook. If you and I don't see eye to eye on an issue, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is you feeling like I have to agree with you all the time. I'm not an automaton or a drone. I have opinionso f my own. You should love me for them, because I love you for your ideas.

Can you forgive me? Because, as any reader or friend of mine who has known me long will tell you, I am prone to doing stupid shit. I can be hateful and passive agressive. I am selfish and unthinking sometimes. But the thing is, its almost never on purpose. If I have a fight with someone, I need to know that (barring me actually intentionally trying tocause a breach) you can forgive me if I ask it. I forgive almost instantly. I don't like to hold grudges, because I am the victim of my own idiocy far too frequently to not.

Will you let me love you? I'm a passionate person. Way more than most people, I would say. When I take it into my head to do something, love someone, be their friend, it is almost impossible to dissuade me, barring me managing to get hurt. And I get hurt a lot, because Itrust people. I shouldn't. That's the thing, there's this combination of cynicsm and blind trust. I fully expect to be hurt, to have my heart broken, to have a friend betray me. The thing is, I do it anyway. I never want to waste a chance. In my post the other day Imentioned that my greatest crime was wasting love. I've done that far too often in the past...let someone who loved me go, let a friend go when there was no reason for me to, except that I wanted to. I've become far less capricious as I get older. Now that I am a woman, I do the very best I can to accept every bit of love that a person can give me. I expect that from the people I know. To let me have the opportunity to be the very best I can be for them, even when my very best is sometimes far less than I want to give, or far less than that person may deserve.


And while I'm here, let me tell you what doesn't matter:

your age, your sex, your race. I don't care what religion you are. I don't care if your personal habiits dont jive with mine. I could care less what you eat or what you look like. I know I'm vain, and I'm a total lech, but if I love you there's not a chance in the world that would change if you somehow became less physically attractive. The heart, that's what matters. I don't care if your family is crazy. I don't really care if you're crazy. I don't care where you go or what you do. What matters to me is the things above.

There are other things, to be sure. I can't list them all here. But I had to say that. To you, to the people I love who read this, and to myself.

If you're ever wondering, if you want to know whether or not you mean something to me, ask yourself this:

If you weren't in my life, would it change me?
If you left my life tonight, would it change me? Would it hurt me?
Could you break my heart?
Could you disappoint me?
Can you hurt me?
Do I trust you with my secrets?
Do I trust you with my heart?

If you could answer yes to any one of those questions, you mean more to me than you'll ever know. If you're reading this blog, I'm guessing, just possibly, you can. Because if you couldn't, why would you be here?

I know I say it a lot, but I mean it tonight with all of myself.

I love you. Always. Unconditionally.
AGxx