Sunday, March 25, 2012

On The Other Side of a Street I Knew

Ah...another day at work, another glass of rumchata and here I am sitting at the computer thinking about music again. I actually spent what little free time I had this morning turning over in my head music and the people I associate it with. I worry now that I've committed myself to another post I'll bore the hell out of you, but there you are..

So I was at work today and three or four songs came into my head and made me think of people. Most of this was a direct result of the music system at work, Ambiance. Waiting for Tonight came on and I immediately thought of Flyguy. That's because of a story I might have mentioned in a post earlier last month, when it was on he was dancing around acting very, uh, chippendale, and now I think of it when it plays. It made me smile today, because Flyguy has changed his schedule recently and doesn't work Sundays anymore. I missed him today, I won't lie. I've gotten used to having all my shifts with him. Or most of them anyway.

Believe by Cher was on, and for some reason I thought of my mother. I have no idea why. If I close my eyes and listen to the song, I think I see myself in her car listening to it about seven or eight years ago. It might just be that this is the strongest memory I have associated with this song. Or maybe I'm really fucked up and I need to think about it. I'm not sure.

Romeo by Basement Jaxx came on, and I immediately thougt of Kitten. This song was out when we were first dating, way back in the late 90's early 2ks. Don't Call Me Baby by Madison Avenue does the same thing, for pretty well the same reason. Feels So Good by Sonique, almost all trance music, Sandstorm by Darude...most of the music from 2000-2001 makes me think about Kitten.

We were listening to the radio in the back and Sexy and I Know It (I have no idea who the artist is) came on the radio. I always think of Shorty when I hear this song. The only reason is because she made me watch the damn video, and I'm scarred. For life. Pretty sure. You know, that wqas a great track without them having to make that video. I mean, I get why they did it, but seriously? Ruined the song for me, because now all I can see is those guys prancing around in bannana hammocks and Shorty laughing at the look of horror I am sure I had on my face when she showed it to me.

Okay, and I know this is a totally random seguey, but I absolutely love the new song by Train- Drive By? Yeah, I get so happy when I hear it. It was playing thism orning while I was in the back of the house making margaritas and I was totally dancing and singing along. I think the guys who've worked with me for a long time don't think anything of iit, but I think our new dishwasher might have thought I had lost my mind. I really don't care, I just think its amusing. So anyway, I really like that song. I know that's random, but there you have it.

I have to pause here and note that when I wrote that last paragraph Itook the time to go to Youtube and watch the video for Drive By. When I did, I got distracted, and I ended up not finishing this post, so here I am, a couple of days later,and I'm still working on my list of song associations. Its been a fun little project for me, and its kept me busy for the last few days, thinking about songs and how I relate to them.

I had a couple of other associations come to mind. I always think of Sakura when I hear that King of Anything song. Ithink its because wew ere listeneing to it in his car one day, and we had a whole conversation about it. I also have a tendency to think about him whenever I hear anything by Fallout Boy. They were really popular when he and I just met. I remember listening to them one day when he and I first met as we went to the mall to play DDR. It was a good time,and it always reminds me of him when I hear them.

A song by David Guedda came on the music at the store yesterday, and I realized I associate his work with Flyguy. That covers a lot of artists, from Usher to the Black Eyed Peas. I think this has to do with the fact that he introduced me to him, and I really like his stuff.There are songs that aren't on the radio by him, and I also really like them too. I also associate Gaslight Anthem with Flyguy for the same reason, its a band he introduced me to. Its oddly appropriate too, for some reason their music just, well, it seems lie something he would listen to. It suits him.

In other, less pleasant associations, I can't help but think of our old roommate Guitar Hero when I hear anything by Cindi Lauper. She had a bad habit of putting on a soundtrack or a CD and listening to it at top volume until everyone in the house was totally sick of it. Ms.Lauper was one of those artists I was ruined on. I have trouble listening to The Immaculate Collection by Madonna for the same reason. She also would get out her guitar and play Rocky Horror Picture Show pretty frequently...and always at the wrong times. There's nothing less romantic than trying to have alone time with your partner and your roommate be in the living room warbling "Science Fiction...double feature...." Yeah. I used to really enjoy the soundtrack from the movie Better than Chocolate too...until Guitar hero moved in with us.

So thinking about how I associate songs with other people got me thinking about how I associate music with myself, and how other people associate music with me. I always find ringtones as an interesting picture of what you feel about a person or a song. For example, these are ringtones I have chosen for other people at certain times in my life:

Reason is Treason for my ex Beloved. Lips of an Angel, A Mili, I Kissed a Girl are all ringtones I've had for Rogue at one point or another, although hers used to change frequently enough I can't possibly remember them all. Hide and Seek was my mother's ringtone for a while. BBD's ringtone was (of course) Plush by STP. My general ringtone for a good deal of time was This is Why I'm Hot.

I know people choose random ringtones for me, too. Some of them I understand, some I don't at all. My Aunt Preistess had I'm Every Woman for me. Her daughter Lovey chose Animals. At that same time in my life Rogue had Walk it Out as my ringtone. I know for certain right now on Hedgewitch's phone my ringtone is Don't Stop by Kasha, and while I do wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy...I sometimes wonder how people choose those songs for me.

It got me thinking about songs I associate with myself. So far, I have two for certain, but I'm pretty sure that list is going to grow the more I think about it. I associate I'm the Only One, by Melissa Etheridge with myself. I also think Mother mother by Tracy Bonham is appropriate. There are any number of Ani DiFranco and Brandi Carlile tunes that I completely relate to, although I woun't say that they were a good picture of me. Songs like Galileo and Mystery by the Indigo Girls seem appropriate. I know a good number of people who would have chosen How Many Licks by lil Kim for me as a song when I was younger. Now I'm not so sure...but I am certain that I will keep thinking about it. You'll probably get another post like this one sometimes after the weekend is over and I have plenty of time to think about it.

Have you thought of a song that makes you think of me? How about songs that you relate to yourself?

I'm off to meditate and listen to my inner song before I head to work. I hope you all have a great weekend.


PS- sorry about the spacing. Blogger does this every time I edit a post. Its irritating. If I weren't lazy and pressed for time, I'd go into HTML mode and deal with it, as it is I assume you love me enough you don't mind too much...

I'm Going to Need Another Reason To Write You A Love Song Today

For those of you uninterested in a week update, I've got something more interesting about halfway down the post.

Well, St. Patricks day is over and i survived it. Actually, things went really smoothly. I was delighted to get to work with Kitten and Oscelot. It was really nice. We had a good time. Honestly, with them there, it felt like a little family, because I got to bartend with Spice and Shorty was working. I'm looking forward to Cinco de Mayo. It should be a good time.

Speaking of Shorty, her 21st birthday is in a week. I'm really excited for her. I think we're planning on getting a group together and having a night out with her shortly after that. It'll be nice. We'll have a good time. Our little group hangs out at our place quite a bit, but we don't often go out together. It would be nice to go have a good time somewhere that isn't home. Truth be told, the girls and I don't get out to the clubs like we used to. I don't miss it, really, because we have a good time at home, but it will be a nice treat for all of us. Now I just have to think of what the heck I'm going to get her for her birthday and buy it. And Hedgewitch's present. Her birthday was earlier this montha nd I know what I want to get her and I haven't had the chance to get out and buy it yet, and I feel like a terrible friend. I HAVE to get on that soon. Otherwise I'll look even more foolish than I already do.

Spring break is finally over, which means my schedule will return to normal for the first time in a couple of weeks. With our trip to KC and then spring break, my schedule hasn't been what it was. I only had one day off this week. Don't get me wrong, I love the money and I've made plenty of it, but my feet and legs are protesting that they'd like a day to just relax. I agree. Actually, relaxing will probably mean working in the yard, or putting out the new pathway lights be bought, or running around town with Hedgewitch and Flyguy...but that's somehow way less taxing on the body than work is.

Of course, it also means all our newer kids that took off will be back in town after their breaks. I'm waiting to see how many of them complain about being broke after taking a week off. I'll try really hard not to be too cynical. I mean, they are kids, right?

In coven news, Hedgewitch and I are planning Beltane together. I'm really excited because she's helping keep me on track, and I already have great ideas. Beltane this year will be the one year mark for our coven practicing together, and I think its interesting to see hwo we've grown as a group. I appreciated that she was willing to help me out. I've felt a lot of pressure lately concerning the coven, and after talking to her about it, I feel a lot lighter of heart. I feel like I've got a teammate now, and I really like that. Its a good feeling. Plus, having someone else to work with gives me new ideas and a sounding board to work with. I love that. I think creativity is something that is organic, and when you feed it, it grows. Totally appropriate with regards to the Beltane holiday, so I think as the wheel turns again I find myself more and more in tune with the season emotionally.

Yesterday at work we were talking about karaoke. This shouldn't come as a chock to anyone who knows me, but I love to sing. Its a good time. I'm pretty good at it. Its a side of me you don't see anywhere else, so its an experience if you're watching me for the first time. I was joking with Fllyguy, because I had an ex that said they knew they could fall in love with me after they watched me sing for the first time. I always thought that was funny, but I understood it, because I am a different person when you put me on a stage. I am much more...well, Alecya, than I am any other time. When I'm on my own, I might be Sarah the worker, or Sarah the friend, I might be Panther the priestess, or Panther the wife. In all these things I am what I generally am, a little reserved, a little shy, a little unsure...comforting, simple and easygoing, if a little angry sometimes. But when I am singing (or preforming in any capacity, lets be honest) I am Alecya through and through. Gone is self doubt, gone is shyness, gone is any vestige of fear or uncertainty. When i'm there, I am nothing but power, beauty and energy. Mind you, I'm not saying I am beautiful, only that I feel that way. Very much so. It shows. My voice even changes. I've had a lot of people remark that I sound so completely different when I sing than I do any other time, that its almost frightening. Honestly, I think its a little bit cool.

Anyway, the conversation got me thinking, because I was joking with Flyguy that if he would picka Taylor Swift song I would learn it. He's a huge fan of Miss Swift. I'll confess, I had a gigle when I first found out, but now, as a result of his fandom, I've actually discovered I like most of her music. Stop laughing. Anyway. I have a "song" for almost all of my friends, or the people I love. I have songs that I associate with them, and songs that I sing for them. It seems only right I would have one for him. (actually, I am interested to see what Hedgewitch, Shorty and SPice like, because usually the song I end up choosing for a person is not the one that I end up associating with them, so...)

I thought you might be interested in a breif list of songs that remind me of people, or that I sing for them, just because its something different, and I think who you think of when you hear a song says a lot about the person you're thinking of.

For Kitten, I always have a few songs I can't escape with her. I remember the first song she ever sang karaoke was "May I Have this Dance" by Anne Murray. An odd selection, but that's what she choose. Incidentally, it is also the song we had our first dance to at our wedding. I always sing "Alone" by Heart for her. I sang it on our honeymoon in Disney World. I also sang it for the first time the night we ran back into each other three years ago. It has a beauty to me, because I never can say "I never really cared until I met you" without knowing that for me and her, its true.

With Oscelot, I always associate "Independence Day" (pretty sure that's Martina McBride). Its the first song I ever heard her sing, and its my favorite that she does. I used to sing it, but after hearing her do it, I can't ever sing it again. I was amazed at her voice then, as I am now. She also does a really great "Memory" from the musical Cats. I cant hear it without thinking of her. Also, nothings funnier than listening to her sing "Looks 5 Dance 10" from A Chorus Line.

Perpet, who will laugh and knows what's coming, is a completely different story. She and I have relatively diverse music tastes, and somehow the things we listen to are just barely tangent. That said, she and I almost always used to sing Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavinge when we used to go out. I wouldnt say this is because we particularly like her as an artist so much as we're silly, and a little bit bitchy, and its fun to sing with her. I'll always like that song, just because of perpet. Also, I listen to Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and almost always think of her, because she sang it the very last time we went karaoke before she moved away. Appropriately amusing is that she butched the French (you did, love) even though at this point she's damn near conversational in the language. Her husband, Boy, will forver in my mind be singing "Mississippi Queen." No one does that song like Boy.

Hedgewitch, despite our closeness, has not heard me sing since I was a little girl, so I associate most of the songs I hear on her phone with her, which is something I was going to cover in a moment, because I thought it was funny what song she chose for me. I hear a lot of Lion King when she's around, so I associatew that movie's soundtrack with her. Any kind of Middle Eastern or Belly Dance music always turns my thoughts to her as well.

FlyGuy is another instance of someone who has never heard me sing, but whom I associate several songs with. Of course, any time Taylor Swift is on the radio I think of him. Its his fault I like her. For some reason, I think of him every time I hear Adele on the radio too, although I couldn't explain that one if I tried. I think that has something to do with a conversation that's burried in the recesses of my brain that we might have had very early on in our friendship. Also, and god save me, anytime Shaggy is on the radio, It hink of him. I think that's because we were listening to Old School Lunch Hour at work one day and he mentioned he liked one of his songs, and then began a (rather bad) imitation of the song he was trying to describe.

Other random songs that have peple associations?

I think of LifeGuard whenever I hear "Say It Aint So" by Weezer, or anything by the beetles. Except BlackBird, which makes me think of Aravis, in my blogroll. I'm sure he'll understand why, I think of Swisslet every time I listen to Morrissey or the Smiths. He and Aravis also share rotation on the Arctic Monkey's first album "Whatever You think I am, That's What I'm Not." I can't hear "Plus" by STP without thinking of BBD. Rouge still has a full list of song associations, in part because we used to speak in song lyric to eachother at work. Ani DiFranco's "Two Little Girls" and "Loom" come to mind. Anything by Flyleaf, which is something that I'm usnsure would amuse her or irritate her, since that's the album we were listening to right before we had the fight that caused us to fall out for so long. Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" will forever be hers as well. Actually, I was thinking of her the other day and I asked one of the girls at work about her, and she asked me if it was because of the song that was on the radio. I said it wasn't, and that's true, but it did get me thinking about all the songs I associate with her. Funnily enough, Shortyt was saying her posts on Facebook are always really arcane and I laughed, because she has a habit (still) of posting Ani DiFranco sognlyrics when she's in a mood, and I'm probably one of maybe five or si people she knows who listen to her enough to know what she's talking about.

Alas, I could go on forever, and I might continue this theme after work, but I have to put on my uniform and get to it. Today is my last long day of the week.

I hope there's a song in your hear tthis morning, and its one that makes you smile. Incidentally, while you're waiting on the next post about this, what song makes you think of me, if you have one?


Thursday, March 15, 2012

When You're Outside Looking In

So I've been a very busy girl the last two days, and that's a good thing. I could bore youwith stories about how I've got new roses in my garden or how I had a great talk with Kitten's mom last night....but I was going through my old blog today looking for something and I came across this old meme. I was thinking about meme's anyway because I was on the I Have Ordinary Addictions Blog and there was one on there. Since some of my answers have changed, and I don't have any of yours, I thought it might be fun.

I'm posting mine post yours in the comments. That will be fun, right?

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I don't think there is such a thing. But I think you can get close. To do that, I think you have to love yourself. You have to know where you're going and be content with that. You have to be able to both give and accept love freely. I think that's as happy as any person can be, and I don't think perfection has anything to do with being happy.

2. What is your greatest fear?

Honestly? Losing Kitten. She's everything to me. She really is. Outside of that fear, I think this hasn't changed for me. I'm terrified of losing soemone I love without being able to tell them that.

3. What trait do you most deplore in yourself?

My vanity. Especially because I am a relatively self-concious person. I think being both of those things makes me insufferable sometimes. I also think it makes me much harder on myself than I ought to be.

4. What historical figure do you most identify with?

Truly, I have no idea. There's a lot of historical figures I love and admire, but I don't know there's one where I feel like my life mirrors thiers.

5. What is your greatest extravagance?

I have two- eating out (because I'm lazy about cooking sometimes) and underwear. I refuse to wear anything that isn't costly and comfortable.

6. What is your favorite journey?

I think my trip to Florida and back with Kitten has to rank up there for actual traveling. It was one of the most special times in my life. As far as personal journeys go, I think my journey this last year to overcome my anger issues has been the best for me. I've discovered a lot about myself and I think its made me a lot happier about my life.

7. What do you like most about your appearance?

Well, I'm the most vain about my hair, but probably my tattoos. They're the part of me I've chosen for myself, rather than been born with.

8. What living person do you most despise?

There's some people out there I seriously don't like. I'm not a fan of Kitten's ex. I am obviously not a fan of BBD, but I think I'm big enough to not hate them. I think I rather despise, in general, any person who is selfish enough to think they know better than anyone else how to run the world. That sort of hubris always rankles with me.

9. What is your greatest regret?

I don't have one. Truly. I would never go back and change a part of my life, because I feel like it makes me who I am. I love who I am now, and I couldn't be that if I removed any choice I've made in the past. I've made some seriously bad decisions, but fortunately, I'm able to live with all of them.

10. When or where are you most happy?

When I'm with the people I love.

11. Wha is your current state of mind?

At this exact second I'm feeling content and reflective. Recently, I've felt a little overwhelmed emotionally, a little frustrated, and more than a little frightened. I'm dealing with it. Thank god and goddess I have good friends and two wonderful partners to get me through it.

12. If you could change one thing about yourself what would you change?

I wouldn't have migraines. Hands down. My life would be much better.

13. What is your greatest acheivement?

Sobering up. Finding that I had the strength to respect myself enough to want to be sober is a feat that changed my life and who I am for the better, and permanantly.

14. What is your most treasured possession?

I have three: my wedding ring, a scarf that belonged to my grandfather, a quilt that my great grandmother made for me the year she died.

15. What do you regard as the lowest deapths of misery?

Being unable to help someone you love. Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. Especially for me, because I'm a control freak.

16. Where would you like to live?

Portland, Oregon. But you knew that, right?

17. What is your most marked characteristic?

Physically? Probably my fangs. Personality wise? I'm pushy. And I have no filter whatsoever. I'm really, really blunt.

18. What quality do you like most in a man?


19. What quality do you like most in a woman?


20. Who are your favorite writers?

That's a revolving door. Check my profile for my perrenial favorites. Currently I'm really digging Erin Hunter.

21. Who is your real life hero?

My grandfather.

22. What is your personal motto?

You receive what you give to others. Harm no one. Live life fully, love others completely, approach life with laughter.

Alright. Did you learn anything? Now its your turn. Go. I've got annonymous comments on for a reason, my lurking lovelies.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Lay Me Down in a Bed of Roses

My hands are covered in scratches this morning.

Yesterday it was absolutely gorgeous outside, so I got into the garden and did a little work. Well, we did a lot of work. Hedgewitch came over and she and the girls and I got started on my flowerbeds.

It amazes me how much weeding we had to do. My biggest bed of roses was almost completely grown over. We weeded nearly three trashbags full of them out of the garden and there's still some left to do. I got into most of my other beds and around my hedgerow of roses as well. The good news is most of my flowers are still very healthy. I have two out of my 20 rose bushes that have evidence of blackspot...that bane of all rose gardeners. I pinched off the leaves, they were all off of old growth, so I've got hopes that if I put together some organic tratment they'll be okay. It didn't look as though it had spread to any of the other bushes around them. I am thankful for that.

I also got all the dead leaves and bracken away from the bases of the bushes and saw that I have new growth already on all of the plants, so I'm excited. This summer I should have some very healthy, very happy roses in my yard. I also went to our local Lowes and had a good look at the roses they have out. I think I've picked out the two or three breeds I am going to add this year. Most of them are pink and red roses, although I've found a rose tree that comes in yellow too. I might get the yellow one just to add some color variety. All of the breeds I've selected are heavily fragrant. I do like the ones that smell sweet. I'll probably go pick those up later this week so I can get them in the ground. We're supposed to get rain this weekend, so it would be nice to have them in so they're getting natural water rather than filtered city water.

I will say this, as much as I love the feeling of earth in my hands, I'm going to need some nice heavy gardening gloves if I want my hands to look even remotely normal at the end of the gardening season. I'm pretty torn up. Thats the beauty of roses, tending them leaves a mark on you- literally.

I'm off to rest my hands and mind for a few brief hours before I go to work. Tonight I'll be putting out the rocks to line my flower beds and help me fight the war with the weeds. Once the sun goes down I'll be tacking more spring cleaning. I can't wait. At least I've got the windows open, and the smell of the earth coming in. Wednesday I'm going to mow, and see if I can't get a new weed eater, so I can keep the yard looking pretty. We always start the mower wars in our neighborhood, so I better get a jump on it. Everyone's yards are starting to look mangy.

I wish you a plesant day, my friends.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I Just Want To Bang On The Drum All Day

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.

I worked, of course, and that's not terribly interesting aside from the fact that we were busy. We had a group of 25 call about an hour before we opened to let us know they were coming in. It was nice for them to give us a head's up, we called Shorty (bless her heart it was her only day off!) and she came in to help us out, which was very nice of her.

At the end of the afternoon Kitten and Oscelot came in because we ride home together. They filled out their new hire packets. It was a new experience for me. Despite the fact that I have worked with Oscleot before, this is the first time that I've had someone in my family hired on at a job I was working at, while I was a senior staff member. I think things will be fine, I really do. I took Kitten around the store after she finished and gave her a very brief training session where I showed her how to find things, taught her the table numbers, ect. I know I'm biaed, but froma training standpoint I'm not...I was pleased to see that she understood and remembered things quickly, and she asked intelligent questions. I'll look forward to working with her next Saturday.

After work we went home and I went to go get things for dinner. Hedgewitch, Shyguy and Shorty all came over and I made Indian food. It was an epic fail. I didn't care for it, I'm pretty sure Shorty didn't and I know Kitten didn't. and learn. You can't figure out you're bad at making reigonal cuisine unless you try right?

While Kitten was in class I did take the time to go over some of our plans for while she is away with Oscleot. I liked having Hedgewitch and Shyguy there too, because they're going to help us out when they can. I picked up some fabric swatches yesterday morning and brought them home for us to look at. I think we narrowed it down to two or three fabrics we like, which is nice. WE can get an approximation on the price to cover the couch and get moving on that. We worked out a timeframe for repainting the living room and the library. I know the library will take longer, only because there's more stuff to move in there. I mean, thousands of books don't just pick up and move on their own. I'll have to move the computer desk there'll be some technology wrestling too. I think we can manage. I've pretty well decided I'm going to get rid ofthe curtains in the library and get new ones. The ones we have now are old, they came with the house, and they don't match anything.

I am still thinking very carefully about replacing the flooring in the living room and the library. I'm terrified I'll screw it up. But I'm going to make it work. Hell, Guitar Hero managed to lay flooring in ourback room all by herself. If she can do it so can I! Speasking of, Oscelot is supposed to be pumping her for information about where she got the hardwoods she put in the back room, because I know she got them for cheap...and we like that because they're really pretty too. Its bamboo flooring, which is such a nice color.

Today starts my long weekend. I open at work today and I bartend tonight, tomorrow I open the bar and I close books as a manager. I open again on Sunday morning, and that's a lot of days in a row where I'm working all day and I'll be away from the girls. I'm going to miss them. I was going to see if I could talk Oscelot into weeding some of the flower beds while Iw as away this weekend, so we could get a jump start on the flowers, but wouldn't you know, yesterday it hailed and sleeted in the afternoon and its cold as all get out this morning. Its not going to be too warm this weekend. Our weather is so erratic it hurts. We were in the high sixties two days ago.

I've got some ideas for improving my garden this year. I want to line my driveway with Irises, which I need to get into the ground soon. I also want to plant a shade/porch garden on the porch when we refinish it. I was thinking about window boxes too...but that might have to wait. I'm not sure yet on those. I have to finish painting the outside of the house before that can happen. Our rock pathway is charming with its old stone planters, and I'm thinking about putting an old english cottage blend of flowers in a line down it, circled around our pathway lights. I think it could be cute. We'll see.

Of course, I need to buy some new rose bushes to replace the one my awful neighbor ran over last year, and I have space for a couple more before it gets rediculous. Of course, I also need to find something to do with the one shady spot of our yard, just to the east of our porch. I'm thinking ferns, because they like ddamp, and we've got a little tree with a face planter I might put over there with them, just because he's cute and it will look curte when they finish blooming. I know it sounds silly, but I've had a hankering for some big stone lions to sit at the base of our porch steps, so I am keeping my eyes peeled for some. I think we've got our bird bath picked out too. I'm looknig forward to posting pictures once the yard is blooming full tilt. Its going to be lovely.

Of course, the fun part about all of this work is that it will be a nice suprise for Kitten every time she comes home from her internship on the weekend. I'm going to work in three day surts, which means I have plenty of time for projects. I can do this. I can do this with the help of Oscelot and my awesome friends. I can.

That's me for the last two and next three days. I hope you all have a good weekend. I don't know if I'll make it back on before Sunday or not. I'm going to be mighty tired.

Are stone lions tacky? I don't know...its not gnomes or flamingos right?


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I Just Want to Thank You

So I'm sitting and relaxing after my first day back at work after two days off. I've got a glass of Rumchata and Gaslight Anthem is playing. I'm pretty happy.

We had a good time on our trip. The ride down was a little rough for me, I had a headache, but I slept most of the way, so I fet better after we got to the hotel and I got some food in me. Instead of going to the lovely mcCoy's Public House where we normally eat we went to Joe's Pizzeria, which was deicious, even if they didn't have public bathrooms.

The bar we went to for the concert was interesting. There was definately a big Yuppie crowd. I saw a lot of artful layering of cashmeres and high end peasant looks on the ladies. The men were rocking the campy glasses and $200 flannels. It was...interesting. Fortunately, the food was amazing and the bartenders were awesome.

The opening act was local and honestly, she left a lot to be desired. We were sitting directly at the bar, about as far as you could get from the stage. It wasn't too far, really, we could still see and hear everything. I ignored her after I discovered she was awful and rather boring. The main act, Katie Herzig, was great. We haven't seen her preform since right before we started dating Oscleot. She's really matured as an artist, and I loved the show. She's got a little more edge than the last time we saw her. It was a great show. Afterwards she hung around and talked to everyone. We chatted her and her guitarist Jordan up, and it was a good time. They posed for pictures, which was really nice. We now have all four of her albums with her signature, which is cool, because inevitably, she'll get big and we won't be able to do that anymore. It happened with Brandi Carlile. We're just waiting for it to happen with her.

The hotel was an experience. We were on the top floor and the wind was so strong it was pretty scary. Kitten and I shared a bed and Oscleot shared one with Precious, Kitten's best friend. She was a bit of a pain in the ass this trip. She had too much to drink, wound up hungover and sleeping through breakfast. She's a picky eater, so she didn't like her lunch. We finally broke down and got her some sonic on the way home, because we couldn't deal anymore.

We spent the afternoon hanging out with Cat, Kitten's sister, who is moving away this week to the wilds of Wisconsin. We won't see her for a while, so it was nice to spend a little time with her too. Her and Brother took us to a great cafe that only used locally sourced ingredients. Lunch was awesome. We went flea marketing and hit the local bookstore. All and all a good time.

Back to work today and it was nice and easy. Oscleot is coming back to Casa Bueno a few days a week to make some extra money. It will be nice to have a leg up when Kitten leaves and even better to have some cash socked back for all of our secret suprise rennovation projects, which look like they're going to be easy, because all of our friends are volunteering to help. I just have to talk Flyguy into helping me lay some hardwood floors. I think he'll do it. I just want a manly type to help me weild the saw. They make me nervous, even after all these years.

I was chatting with Mrs Boss today and we got to talking about teas, and then projects for the house, and the hours for Oscleot and she made mention something that totally suprised me. I might have mentioned that Kitten is coming on board at Casa Bueno to bus tables for our upcoming holidays because we are so busy and totally short staffed at the moment. I guess she was talking to our Kitchen Manager and she told me her and Mr Boss agreed with her that Kitten deserves a fair shake at looking for a new job when she comes back. We've been stressed since Kitten will have to quit at the Happy Waffle to do the internship. That leaves her unemployed when she comes back. Today the bosses told us that if she wants, until she finds a job in the HVAC industry, she has a job waiting for her at Casa Bueno working in the kitchen. It wwas a huge relief. I have the best bosses in the world. Its nice to know they're looking out for my family. I appreciated it. I fortunately managed to to cry when she told me. Its a huge relief. I have a lot less to worry about now.

I keep thinking lately about my life. I'm a lucky woman. I love my life.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

There's Something About This Place

Yesterday was painful. I'm determined to have a better day.

As the days grow brighter and warmer things at Casa Bueno start heating up as well. We get busier during the spring and summer, and with that comes a whole new load of challenges. We've got a fairly young crew. Okay, they're green as Easter grass. When we start getting busy, they have a tendency to panic. Its hard not to get caught up in that feeling. The energy that surrounds you almost always has an effect on you whether you like it or not.

I try really hard not to let the things around me get me down. I wear bracelets and necklaces to help me contain my personal energy and keep my auric "fingers" as Kitten likes to call them turned inward. Sometimes it works. Sometimes its not so effective. Its difficult sometimes to take a deep breath and remember that its not the end of the world. Things go wrong, but if you handle them calmly, a lot of times things can go much smoother. Guests, I've observed, are usually more understanding and patient if you communicate with them, and if you can keep the look of terror off of your face. Of course, the way my coworkers react also makes a difference.

When everyone else is in crisis mode, its hard to stay calm. Its difficult to get people to teamwork with you. Its difficult to get anything done. When everyone is so focused on their own panic they can't see the world around them, well, they stop doing the neccesary things like stocking, teamworking, and breathing.

I bartend today, which means things will probably move at a slower pace for me. I don't mind it, honestly. Will I miss those extra three tables in my section? I doubt it. We have to be seriously busy for everyone to have a full section. Our restaurant seats 300. If we are that busy, I'll have other things to worry about. Its nice, too, because that extra bit of wiggle room gives me a chance to help others out, maybe make things a little easier than they are at the moment.

I'm trying very hard to remember that with the big holidays for us approaching (St. Pat's, Cinco, Mother's Day) my crew is going to be put to the test. I'm a senior crew member. I need to be there for them. I need to help them, to give them the tools they need to succeed. Because honestly, if they don't, I suffer too. I've trained a lot of our crew. I want them to be able to use the tools I give them to be happy, hard, efficient workers who make a lot of money and draw guests into the store. I hope I can do that.

In other news, I am having a weird work week this coming week because we are driving up to Kansas City MO to go see Katie Herzig in concert. I'm looking forward to it. A couple of days off with the girls will be a good time. Precious is coming with us, so we'll have a nice time with her. While we're on our way home we're going to stop off in Cat's city to say hello to her and spend some time with her, since she's moving in a couple of weeks. Maybe next week. I think next week. It'll be nice to see her. We also have a gift certificate to Hastings, which was a very generous Yule gift, and I'm looking forward to spending it. It'll be nice to have access to a bookstore that isn't Barnes and Noble.

Speaking of books, I was looking at my shelves and I realized I probably need to do a cull of them. I have a lot of books and we accquire them at an alarming rate. We've gotten about ten books in the last week alone. I need new shelves and I don't have anywhere to put them. In better news that's related, I think Oscelot is giving up her bed. We talked about it yesterday and its awesome, because that will give us a little more wiggle room. It also gives me the opportunity to do some much needed rearranging in the house. Also, more room for bookshelves. Our bookshelf with Pagan books on it is overflowing now, and I need a bigger one. Between Hedgewitch and I, we've got quite a collection started.

I also need to read them. I've got a few I've read cover to cover, but most of them I pull out as I need them, which is not as useful. I'd rather know what's in all of them, it makes research go much faster. It also makes other work go much faster. I've got a list four people long of natal charts I need to cast.

My list of witch responsibilites is growing. We've been looking at formally structuring the coven, starting the Wicca 101 and 102 type classes for learning purposes. We also have to start establishing degree structures, so that we all know what we're working for. I've done the research and its looking like based on most coven structures I'm almost second degree. I'm a lot farther along than I thought I was. Still, I have a long way to go. We're thinking on Beltane we're going to start the official year and a day process for the coven seekers, so we can formalize that too. I'm not too far from becoming an official gartered preistess. Its exciting.

I also have a lot of work to do as far as spells and learning goes, and I know it. I have some friends who are looking to get together and "conjure mojo" as they lovingly call it. I have no problem working with practitioners outside my coven, sometimes its a breath of fresh air. Of course, there are other people who are learning about what I do, and that's good too. It gives them an opportunity to look inside the practicing Wiccan mind and the mind of my spiritual family. I think there's also a prospective new coven candidate out there, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes.

Oastara is almost upon me, and I have to plan ritual for it. I might actually be able to do this one outdoors, which I am looking forward to. The winter months are difficult because we can't spend as much time outside as we like. I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with the earth around me, it makes me feel more grounded.

Outside of the natal charts and spell work, I'm learning hoodoo right now. Well, the basics of it. Its an interesting form of spellcraft, and I think our group can benefit from it if we use it in the right way.

Kitten has taken a real shine to herbal work, and I'm rather suprised to see her excelling in herbalism. I thought it would be Oscelot that fell into herbalism and kitchen witching. Somehow, though, I feel like I shouldn't be shocked. Kitten is a god cook, and she understand the importance and beauty of herbs. She's always had a natual bent towards healing. Its good to see her actively pursuing a part of the craft she loves. I think sometimes she gets frustrated because there are things she doesn't naturally excel at, and that makes her feel like she's behind. I keep trying to impress upon her that she holds herself to a hard standard, seeing as Hedgewitch and I have been practicing for a much longer time. It takes a lot of time and focus to learn how to control your energy and the energies around you. Hell, I'm still not great at it sometimes. In a control setting, yeah I'm awesome, but put me in a practical setting and I struggle every now and again.

Herbalism will be great for her. Last night she made me an infustion for a headache and she not only knocked the headache out, but put me to sleep before nine (a near impossibility without drugging me) and I slept a solid 11 hours. Its impressive. Although, according to them, when I went to bed I was completely incoherent, and nearly drooling on myself, so maybe, youknow, moderation in couple of those herbs, but otherwise she did a fine job.

Oscelot had her birthday yesterday. We got her a set of runestones. I think she'll really enjoy using them. I look forward to seeing her find something she really excels at too. I want to see everyone in our group succeed, and I think this may be her foothold into the practice.

As for myself, I know where I need to go and what I need to do. Unfortunately, its everywhere. But I think if I sit down and work out a regimen for myself, a schedule of studies, my life will be easier. I read quickly. I absorb well, so I think I can manage. The trick, for me, will be pairing all this new knowledge with spiritual growth.

Its on that note that I want to conclude. You see, sometimes I think we don't pay too much attention to they way we are, how we change and how we grow. I'm really aware of it. I think part of that has to do with the fact that by the time I came back to Kitten, I was in a bad place. I had made strides to change myself and I had...but it wasn't in the way I wanted. I had let myself down. Since then, in the last four years, I think I've had a lot of time to think about who I am and what I want to be.

I realized how far I had come the other day. I had a phone conversation with my ex Beloved. She and I have, uh, very different life outlooks. In the course of our discussion she asked me if I really thought I had changed since I stopped seeing her, because honestly, she didn't see much change. Now, granted, we see each other maybe twice a year and we talk infrequently...not as much as maybe I'd like to...but I suppose that's life. We had been discussing Kitten's impending departure, and some of the troubles I had faced recently with Oscelot.

Point is, she pointed out that there was more to life than love. That it doesn't matter sometimes how much you love a person, because eventually the reality of life steps in, and you are inevitably disappointed with that person. She thinks that relationships that don't work out aren't successful. She thinks that there has to be a constant grounding in reality and you have to focus on the practicalities of life. The reality of who and what a person is. In the end, to Beloved, you look out for yourself and you make yourself independent.

Idon't agree with her at all. I think at one point, I might have. I think that I might have even tried doing that for myself. I think she has some points. Yes, you should be independent. You should look out for yourself. But I also think there's a sadness about the idea you can't trust anyone but yourself. I know personally that sometiems you can't even do that.

Here's my trust people. Not to the point of stupidity, but you should give them a chance. When they let you down, you access the damage to your relationship and move on from there. You work hard to repair it. If you can't, yeah, you move on and its painful. But you never cut the cord of a relationship lightly. People will let you down. We have free will and sometimes the choices we make are bad ones. That's okay. Karma takes care of that. If a relationship doesn't work out...well, you and that persona are not failures. You're different. Its okay. Take what you can from it, remember what that person gave you and taught you. That's what makes even a "failed" relationship a success.

I don't like the idea of complete independence either. I'm dependent on my partners and my friends. I need them. They give me perspective and keep me motivated. They keep me in line when I need to be, and help me let my hair down. They remind me of my better qualities when I do fail, and they support me in all my successes. I would be terribly sad, and much less fulfilled, if I didn't have a degree of dependence on them. I think they feel the same way about me. I think that I'm there to do those things for them.

I've grown so much the last four years. I'm a mature woman now. I have my health in good control. I know how to deal with my pain and anger. I've learned when to walk away from a fight and when to stand my ground. I've learned compassion in ways I never thought I could. I've learned love in ways that amaze me every day. I learned how to look into myself to find peace, and how to look everywhere to see divinity. That's a beautiful thing. I think anyone who's read me for any time that exceeds the length of this blog could tell you I've changed. Yeah, do I puton my best face when I write? I try to. But still, the person I am seeps through. And I think the person you see now is a better, more whole one than before. I'm proud of that. I plan on making that something that doesn't change.

Over the years, I think I'll look back and be satified with what I've done for myself. I think my friends will be proud of me. I think the changes I make will become more apparent as time goes on. I'm glad for it.

Here's to another day where I get the chance to grow. I'll report back and let you know how it goes.


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just Like A Domino

It must be spring, despite the recent cold snap. I feel like cleaning. This morning I've gone through my whole house like a madwoman, tidying, cleaning and in general trying to get things in order. I've already started a pile of things to take to the local goodwill, and I have a list almost two pages long of things I want to get done over the next week.

I go through this every spring- the wild desire to get things in order. With Kitten likely to be gone over the summer I've been trying really hard to think of all the projects I want to get accomplished while she's away. If I am going to do that, the house has to be in perfect order, so I'm starting now.

I'm trying to convince Oscleot to get rid of her bed. I know she keeps it out of sentementality, though I can't understand why...and she hasn't slept in the damn thing in almost two years. It takes up a lot of space in the house and I've got about a hunderd things I could do with that space if she would get rid of it. Also, there've been tornadoes in our area recently (yep, its that season) and I think it would be nice to be able to donate a nice bed to someone who actually needs it. I'm working on that one.

We planted some climbing roses a couple of days ago around our arbor and I can't wait to see how they bloom out this spring and summer. We've picked out a birdbath for the center of one of my rose beds, and I'm looking forward to going and getting it, so we have something to offset the massive amount of blank space in the middle of the bed. Its almost time to start weeding, feeding my soil and getting in the dirt again. This year I want to get some more irises and line our driveway with them. I have a whole set of lights to line our walkway with, and I'm going to get on putting them together soon , so we can put them out.

Yep, its looking like a productive spring in store for me.

I think I'm going to take the time this wednesday or thursday to pull all my books off the shelves and clean the shelves and then reorganize the books. It will make my living room and library look much tidier. I'm planning on painting the living room and getting it a little cleaner looking while Kitten is away. I've had this idea for a while I might buy a couch over and the hand cover the throw pillows for it, just so things look nicer. I'm thinking I can manage that.

I've been worried, a little, because Kitten has been in a terrible mood the last few days. I think a lot of it has to do with the impending separation. I know she worries, and she has a lot on her mind. She's going to be turning the finances over to me, and I'm sure she's terrified I'll ruin her impeccable credit rating. I'm also thinking that this thing of being away is making her more distant, maybe she's trying to deal with it now. I'm not sure, but she's been more standoffish lately, and its meant that I've had to give her a little more space than I want to. I mean, I want to crawl all over her, because I want to be close to her while I can. I know better, so I'm trying not to smother her, or give her a reason to be more grumpy, but its hard.

Emotionally, dealing with the thought of her being away from me is less difficult than I thought it would be, although how that holds up once she's gone remains to be seen. I'm trying to put it into my head that she's not going to be very far, and that she'll be doing a really great thing. I'm super proud of her, and I want her to know that. Sometimes I doubt my ability to be the kind of partner she needs, but I am trying really hard. I mean, we love each other, there's no doubt about that...but I'm terrified of letting her down, though I would never tell her that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can pay bills and keep the household running. But she's going away and improvig herself and making it so that we can have a really gret life together. I'm more worried that when she comes home, I won't have made as good a use of the time as I could have, and I want her to be proud of me. I want her to come back and think that I'm an awesome wife, and that I do great things too...

We'll see. I'm going to do my best, and I suppose that's all that I can do.

I'm off to work, where I will hopefully make a lot of money. I want to sock back as much as possible while I can. I've got this plan to save a huge amount of money while she's gone. I want to be able to have her look at the bank account and be really suprised at how well I did. I want to pay off at least one bill while she's away to suprise her with. Most of ours are pretty huge, so we'll see...but I think I can manage it. Also, I want the bank account with the money for the down payment on our new house to be nice a fat when she comes home too. That I know I can do. I have a feeling I'll be working a lot more than I expected this summer, but I won't mind. I'm going to make the best of things.

Enough of my worrying. I have to dash.

Love you all.