Monday, June 27, 2011

If there was no you

Today I actually had a pretty good day at work. Tell you the truth, had we been busier and I had made more money, it would have been one of the best days I've ever had. Our crew was awesome. We had a good host. She's new, so she's not burnt out, she smiles, she helps out. Honestly, probably too much. I can't even get the table out the door before she's got the table clened and reset. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Oscelot was working with me. Mr. Boss was managing, which is always low-key. On the floor with me and Oscelot was Hgril and Rogue.

Now, Rogue and I may have had our differences in the past, but working with her is always fun when she's waitressing and not hosting. She's a good stocker, she's efficient, she's a great server (and I say that honestly, she's a better server than I am, truly) and she's usually in a pretty good mood. Today she was in a great mood, so she was a blast to work with.

I spent most of the morning laughing with my coworkers. It kept me flowing through what would have otherwise been an incredibly boring morning. I did have one table come in, and they made my morning. One of the guys at the table was young, and pretty funny. He was one of those customers that alternates between being really nice and giving you a hard time because they think its funny. It was funny, too. He gave me one hell of a time, but I didn't mind. It kept me entertained. When I gave him the check he was indignant I only wrote thank you at the top. While I got him change I wrote a note on the back of his receipt. "What I meant to say was: Thank you very very very much. I hope you have a really great day and you will come back and see me again. Is that better?" I drew a smiley face. I went back to the table afterwards and he had left me a 50% tip with a note of his own. "You're very welcome. I will. And I'll think a about it. A bit." and his initials. It made me laugh. Its customers like that that make the day go by faster. I wish I had ten more just like him every day.

I was pretty happy when I got off work. We came home and I got to do all those boring domestic things that no one cares about. We cuddled Kitten, made dinner, I got my ass beat in twelve successive games of Uno. It was painful. I read a bunch of roller derby blogs, and got lost in talk over strategy and such. It made me pretty happy. I've downloade a podcast with our local rollergirls on a local radio show. I'm going to listen to it whenever the girls go to bed, because its loud, and on the computer, and I don't want to bug them while they do their thing.

So that's my day.

I have had time in the last couple of weeks, however stressed I am, to figure out a few things. One of them is that I am very lucky to have the partners I have. I've been going through quite a bit emotionally, on top of being really stressed about work and not going to school, or the possibility that I might go to school, or whatever. I've had to take some time for serious reflection about myself. I've also been sick as hell. For whatever reason (probably stress) I can't seem to go more than a day or so without getting a migraine. This is really unusual since I'd gotten them down to next to nothing. I also can't seem to keep food in my body. Anytime I eat I end up sick to my stomach, one way or another. Its not plesant. I'd hedge my bets I'm losing weight. And while losing weight is somethign I want to do, this is deinately not the way I was wanting to do it, because I can't exercise or tone if I'm too sick to eat.

The fact that my two ladies have sat beside me and held my hair, or my hand or whatever body part I've needed held without complaint for two solid weeks is really awesome. I don't think many people have one partner, let alone two, that would do that for them. They've put up with me being extremely mopey and whiney. They even tolerated the two-day drug induced haze I was in when I finally broke down and took some medication for my headaches. They worked me through my first big ritual as a Wiccan, they supported me even when they knew I probably ought to be in bed resting rather than outside, playing aruond a fire and dancing. I've never seen two more patient women. Add to that the fact that I haven't really been engaged emotionally with them because I'm tired and they have issues they need work on too, and you see why I feel like I am such a lucky woman.

I've also learned that I have a couple of really, really awesome friends. Sakura and Perpet have listened to me bitch and whine for the better part of two weeks. Perpet tolerated a phone call from me while I was completely blazed on pain medication, and she talked to me (or rather, let me talk at her) for nearly an hour. I've gotten some good advice from both of them, and some much needed moral support.

Also, I might mention, Sakura was feeling poorly today, and if you're the type that prays, I'd be extremely grateful if you said one for him. He's an awesome person, and I hate to think of him in any type of pain.

I've learned that I'm a much needier person than I thought I was. I knew, I've always known, that I am an emotionally needy person. I've always been terribly engaged in everything. At times it makes me a trifle immature, and almost always it gets me into trouble. I have a bad habit of following my heart wherever the hell it thinks it needs to go, and most of the time, its not going anywhere happy. I used to think of myself as a relatively cold person, if I don't love you I really dont care. I think this is a defense mechanism, because I do love so many people its too easy for me to end up torn up. I hate that, because then I spiral into that I need someone to comfort me and make things better for me mode, and that's not cool.

I also realized what went wrong wtih Rogue and I's relationship. Iwon't go into details. Its not important now. But- I'll say this, I know we're both the blame, we both could have handled the situation better, but I think most of the blame rests at my door. I truly feel guilty about how I behaved with her, and though I've apologized I feel like I ought to do more. Sadly, I know there isn't. I can chalk this one up to experience. I've got a great coworker in her, but I'll never have the great friend that I once had. Its my loss, and I am sorry for it.

I also discovered that there is a lot more strength in me than I thought. I have found that there are a lot of things a few years ago i wouldn't have wanted to bear up under that now I can. I don't even mind it. I've found that there are things worse than hurting. There are things that are worse than pain, worse even, than loss. I can cope. I think I've learned that i have the ability to move on with my life when I don't feel like it. I said this to someone not too long ago- that whatever happens to you, you can't stop moving. You have to keep going because the world keeps going whatever happens to you. All you can do is pick up, shoulder teh burden, and move on. There is no staying in place, there is no moving backwards. Not if you truly want to live. I want to live. I want the fullest life I can manage. Honestly, I want a life so full I'm not sure I can manage. That's what living is all about.

Thanks to my family and friends, I've also learned that there isn't really an end to a dream. Not if you don't want it to be over. I hang my hat on that star. I know I am tonight. There are things I want that feel so out of reach to me right now that it steals the breath from me just to think of them. But I think of them anyway, because the moment I let go is the moment I completely fail myself. I'm not stopping. There isn't enough no's in the world to make me quit. I've got so much better in me than I have, than I am right now. I refuse to settle for the me I am. I want the better me. I think its the one my partners love. Its the one my friends see. They see me, but they also see what I could be, what I want to be, and they love me for it.

I've said it before, I'll never tire of saying it. Damn, I am one lucky woman.


No comments:

Post a Comment