Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Want to Let It Go and Go For It

This is a picture of me, earlier in the week. Its also a picture of me at my most relaxed this week. Hooray for pool time.

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Seriously. I don't think I've been this tired in a long time. I was tired enough this afternoon that when the girls went out to go play around town i stayed home, pleading a nap. I was actually so tired I couldn't sleep. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes there were a million thoughts running through my head. None of them were relaxing.

I am immensly grateful that Sakura had us over to go swimming this week because I think I might have lost my mind if I hadn't. Work has been stressful. I was training all week. We have three new servers at Casa Bueno, and I'm one of the few trainers, so I had the immense pleasure of working with two of them almost every day. I think I've mentioned before, I don't really care for strangers, so having a stranger follow me around all day, and me having to talk to them and make a personal connection is more than a little taxing. Monday I was training a new guy, and I honestly didn't think he liked me all that much. He was pretty quiet, and trying to get information out of him was like trying to get through an airport in a suit made of razor blades. I had him again Friday night, and honestly, once he came out of his shell, he was great. I actually like him.

Wednesday I got to train our new sweet girl. She was helpful and nice and kind. The problem was, we were busy. Really busy. Trainees slow you down no matter how competent and awesome they are. To add stress to an already tense situation, our reigonal manager (who also happens to be the VP of our entire corporation) was visiting, and sitting right next to my incredibly full section, watching me get my ass kicked and try to teach this poor girl something at the same time. I was relatively vindicated that he told me afterwards I was a great trainer, and then went and bragged on me to my boss. I needed the ego boost.

I picked up a shift Thursday night so I could have a chance to make some money without a trainee attached to my hip. It was a relatively good night. Except I pissed off our hostess. She never says much to me, and to be honest, out of all of them I like her the least. She asked to bum a cigarette from me. I told her no, I wouldn't give her one, because she's sixteen. She asked me what my point was. I rolled my eyes and walked off. If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.

I worked a double yesterday. In the morning I was sans trainee, so I had a decent day. We were busy, I had a good time. I also happened to have a good friend texting me, and it kept me in a plesant mood. Well, it did when I had the chance to sneak off and check my phone. I trained again last night. It was fine, we weren't busy anyway. To tell the truth, I don't think he learned much, we spent a lot of the evening just chatting.

Today I woke up in a hurry because Oscelot had to run to the bank before we hit work, and its the hardest day of the week to open the store. We worked hard, my customers were...well, I could have liked them better. The new local smoking ban also started today, so no smoking on the clock. This sucked. Other resturants, including Kitten's Happy Waffle, let people sneak outside to smoke. Nope, we just don't get to anymore. By two thirty I was itching. Hopefully I will get over it, and learn to cut back. Hopefully. But its over, and tomorrow is a new day. I also get to go back to work tomorrow night and begin manager training. I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday morning before I went into work we went out of town with Kitten's mom to go see a local tourist attraction. It was about an hour drive, but we had a good time. We went and saw this stage show featuring housepets that do tricks. It was pretty cool. The cats did all sorts of things I now want mine to do (fat chance) and were completely adorable. They also had a bunch of birds that did fun stuff like ride bicycles, play basketball, you know...cheezy stuff that's fun to watch. I like birds, so it was neat to see them up close anyway. I really enjoyed it. We also stopped off at my favorite restaurant in the downtown and had lunch. I ate until I was literally sick to my stomach. So, totally worth the trip.

I've also worked on my new novel twice this last week. While I am not making a ton of progress, the fact that I've worked on it at all is good. I'm struggling through the hard parts now. I would be avoiding it with my typical flair if it weren't for my favorite genre writer, Laurel K Hamilton. She released her 20th book in the Anita Blake series last week and got to do a guest blog on the Borders website in honor of it. One day she was talking about the blank page and leaping head first into your manuscript, trusting that you and your characters will catch you. I had to make the decision that I trust myself, and the people I am writing, enough to make mistakes that can be fixed later. I have to trust my betas and my friends to point out where I go wrong, once I finally get it finished. The thing is, if I don't finish...I'll never know. I've got to get back on the horse.

So this week I've been facing my big fear in writing-human emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have a complete and total disconnect to the way people really think and feel. To me its important that not only the writing be organic, but the emotion be natural too. So I've sat and dreaded what I'm about to do to my characters, and I've contemplated how they feel and how they will react. I've written a little, and I've thought a lot. Now I have to dive in, completely let go, and trust that I can capture the feeling on the page. It takes a lot of faith in yourself to do that. I think I can. No- I know I can. Even if I have to work at it.

I know where my story is going. I know where my characters end up. I know what they are thinkign and how. Now all I have to do is get it on the paper. With so few chapters left, I think if I really push myself, I could be done by the end of June or early July, which gives me time this summer to tear it to shreds and rewrite it a few times. If I work at it. Someone is going to have to keep after me. But if I have someone there to do it for me, and I can find the will inside myself, I think I can have this thing polished and ready to go by the end of the year. That's the goal anyway.

Speaking of goals, Oscelot and I were talking when we went skating this week, and I think there's a possibility of me hitting the books, just a little, in a year or so. I could at least take a few classes, get back in the swing, and start working again. I would love it. I have so many friends that are getting close to their degrees, and they talk about how sick of school they are and all I can think is how jealous I am. I've been really contemplating it- how far I want to go, what I will do for money that isn't writing books, what job I could get and what jobs I might want. I've been working on the ideas for masers and doctoral papers, what I would want to discuss, what I would want to specialize in. Its exciting. Its a beautiful thought, that this dream might actually happen for me. Of course, thinking about it means I worry about it, so I try to only daydream it from time to time.

There are possibilities now, though, that weren't there a few days ago. It makes me really happy.

I'm exhausted. Its time for me to sleep. I wanted to tell you all about how we gave our cats their summer bath tonight, but I'll have to save it for another day.

Here's to living the dream (and for once, I'm not being sarcastic) This coming week, take a moment, think about what you really, really want. If its within reach, if you can work for it, go for it. Take those first steps. And if I can, as your blogger pal, do anything to encourage you or help you, tell me. Some of you have been with me a long time. We've been working for the things we want for years. Your support, your friendship, have driven me through some seriously bad stuff. Your support and friendship have seen me through that first novel. You'll see me through my second. And hopefully through them all.

I love you all.

Live the dream.



Also, you might notice, I have two new people in my blogroll. Gayle is an excellent writer friend of mine, whom is very dear to me, and also bery talented. And very published. (I couldnt be prouder to be her friend) She writes about her writing. You'll like it. Especially if you write. New Pound Glory is one of our local rollergirls. She's a rookie, and learning to live the derby dream. She's also learning balance, hard work, tough adult choices, and how to reach for the things you want. I just recently stumbled on her blog. She's a fantastic read.

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