Monday, July 22, 2013

Something's Coming Over Me

So, here’s the R rated version of the about me. This one is predominantly about sex and love and all that stuff that generally makes people uncomfortable. So you’re forewarned.

I wanted to start with my “would” list. I thought that would be fun. First, I want to point out that I get both a male list and a female list. And I’m not aiming for a specific number, these are just generally celebrities that I would sleep with if they showed up on my front porch and asked me to. Some people call it the celebrity exceptions. Whatever…Also, I am picking people whom I not only would sleep with, but whom I assume would be good in bed. There’s some people I think are pretty, or would be fun to see nude, but I’m sure would be a totally lame lay (Liam Hemsworth, I’m looking at you.)

Michelle Rodriguez- because she's just lovely. 

Ellen DeGeneres- I could look at her all day. She's got a great smile. 

Tilda Swinton- androgyny, beauty, activism...its all sexy

Meryl Streep- Classic. That's all

Jennifer Lawrence- so beautiful. And funny. And she has *curves* which I love. 

Emma Watson- not just for Harry Potter fans anymore

Anna Kendrick- cute as all get out. 

Robert Downey Jr.- quite possibly the perfect specimen of a man...

Utkarsh Ambudkar- Musician, actor, super-cute....

Peter Dinklage- so beautiful. And his voice....I want him to sit and read to me for hours....I would utterly melt!

Jason Issacs- not just for Harry Potter fans

Howard Stern- Yeah. I can't explain it. The hair, the mouth....its like when I had a crush on Jeff Goldblum in the '90's....there's inexplicable sex appeal. Not to mention, if you listen to him at all, he's a spectacular person. 

David Beckham- Look at that picture and tell me you blame me!

Chris Hemsworth- he has a classic manly beauty.

So I wish I could say that I don’t think looks are important in a relationship, but I think at the first they are pretty important. I think later it still plays a part, because I think you have to be attracted to your partner. Even if that attraction is mainly intellectual, you wouldn't want to sleep with or wake  up next to someone you found repulsive all your life. Maybe that’s shallow, but it’s the truth. Conversely, I refuse to be with a partner I don’t find intelligent and intellectually stimulating. I won’t date stupid people. Hell, I won’t even have a one night stand with a stupid person. If you go to YouTube and look up interviews with each of the celebrities above, you’ll discover they are all well-spoken, passionate, amazing people who are highly intelligent and devoted to good causes. That’s sexy.

My position on PDA, as a general rule, is that as long as it’s not something you wouldn't do in front of your mother or grandmother, it’s acceptable. That is how I try to conduct myself. I do, I’ll admit, have some exhibitionism incidents in my past, but as a rule I don’t do stuff in public. You never know who’s watching. Not to mention we've all seen couples in public that are's uncomfortable. Now I won't say I don't run around naked in the house with the windows open. I'm not so prude that I can't see why people do it. I'm just saying as a rule its really not my thing to be all over someone in public.
I've slept with both men and women. I do identify as a homosexual. I'm a big fat lesbian. Or I think I am. Here’s why- I can have sex with a man and have a great time. I truly can. Some of my favorite partners have been men. Unfortunately, I am completely incapable of maintaining a relationship with a guy- I’m always wishing he was a girl. If you offered me the perfect mate- if I could design the person I was going to be with- no question, it would be a woman. There are things I like about men- they almost border on fetish- their chests, their backs, stubble…I adore stubble…I like their legs and how they’re shaped. That’s the thing, though, when I sleep with men it is, for me, a tactile experience where I am drinking in all of my partner. When I sleep with women it’s about my being with her. I pay more attention. I want her to feel special. I adore every single part of women. There isn't an ugly body part on a woman, really. (sorry guys, they may be interesting, but penises are ugly) And when I have a woman as a partner I devote myself completely to making her feel like she’s the most special person on earth. Its about awe and worship. Its damn near religious. I don’t do that with men, and honestly, I've never tried. Which makes me great for a romp but terrible for a relationship. I still prefer the softness and sexiness of women. I like the way they smell and how they feel. I like the way they taste and how they sound. 

As a general rule I have a strong preference for partners who are older than me. They’re more experienced, more mature, more fun. The relationship usually lasts longer because I spend less time being ticked off at how immature they are. Can my partners be silly? Sure. Can I tolerate a gross lack of life experience? Not really. I’m not patient enough. The largest age difference I have had with a sex partner is about 18 years. The largest difference in a person I was dating, 5 years. Emotionally maturity doesn't always equate to sexual maturity, mind, but it does help. It also means that my partners are less likely to equate sex with love (not the same thing) and they're willing to approach it with a sense of humor and lightness. I was talking to a friend the other day and I mentioned that I really like having a sex partner who doesn't mind that it can be messy, awkward, loud and strange sometimes. I like a partner who will have fun with me. Sex can be all those things and still be sexy- or at least I think so. 

I want to leave these next questions here where you can see them, because they just seem odd to talk about without them there:
Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?  Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have?

The answer is, yes, I've liked one of my best friends. I ended up marrying the person I like and admire most in the world. She is my best friend. I like hanging out with her. I like talking to her. She understands me in ways other people don’t and that was true before we ever dated. I always say make it a policy to be friends with your lovers, that way you have more than sex in common. It makes the relationship - and the sex- better.  I have dated someone that my friends didn't like and as a rule, they were right about them. Especially the last one. He was a douche. I don't always listen, but if everyone I know dislikes my partner, something is probably wrong. Yes, every now and again who I am attracted to will surprise me. Hell, look at my “would” list- I would have never predicted Howard Stern would make it…eh, it happens. My tastes are fairly eclectic, and I find so many different things appealing that I'll on occasion startle myself. In real life I am generally less surprised by my predilections. As a general rule I don’t hang out with people who disgust me, most of my friends are good looking (I’m the ugly duckling) and they’re all intelligent, compassionate people. The fact that in the past I've looked at some of my friends and been attracted to them is never a surprise to me. And yes, absolutely, a thousand times over, I have had desire for someone I can’t have. I think that’s part of the human experience. It’s frustrating beyond all measure, especially when its someone you care about, but sometimes you put on your big girl panties and suck it up- there’s nothing to be done.  

I can usually make it about ten seconds kissing before my hands start roaming unless the person kissing me is holding them and even then it won’t last more than thirty seconds. I’m a tactile person. If you’re teasing me by holding my hands in place I end up touching with other parts of my body and it’s all over from there. If I’m being intimate with you, you have to be prepared for me to want to touch you all over.  Don't get me wrong, if all you want is a good make out session, I can sign up for that...but that doesn't mean I'm putting my hands on your shoulders and being a good girl. I don't think I know how. 

 My longest relationship lasted almost 6 years. I have every faith that Kitten and I are going the distance on our marriage and there’s no change that 6 will be my max. I’m willingly working on a life sentence. I would mention, however, that I think quality of relationship has nothing to do with length. 

 I've “dated” (and by date I mean sleep with over a period of time and maintained a close, emotional relationship with a person) probably 5 women and 4 men. I have slept with probably (and I’m guesstimating here, because I’m not willing to sit and tote up all my conquests, its taxing) 15-20 men, 3 M to F transsexuals, 1 F to M trans, and about 20-25 women. Of those, only about 6 of those were one night stands and the numbers jump a bit because I have been involved in several (I hate this term) “group” interactions.  I've had a lot of partners I will never forget but I think sometimes it’s more upsetting to think of how many I could recognize by face but not remember their names. Every now and again one will pop up in my mind and I'm like, crap, how did I forget them the last time I thought to count?

8 facts about my body:
I have a 36” inseam
My teeth are crooked but I like them because I have fangs
 My feet are a little warped because of all the years of ballet.
A majority of my tattoos are on my back
I wear glasses most of the time, my eyes are very weak.
I have a 34” bust and a 32" waist
I wear my nails long
Despite the fact I am relatively soft around the middle, I have very prominent hip bones.

 Five Ways to Win My Heart (excluding the obvious, which is to be Kitten):
Be honest with me all the time
Pet me- I like to be touched. It’s comforting to me. I like my partners to make me feel safe
Don’t be afraid to laugh, to laugh with me, to be silly or to play
Pay attention to the things I say
Know what you’re doing in the bedroom.

 This is what I look like (as of a month ago)

This is how I see myself.(Obviously, this photo has been doctored)

The first thing I notice about a person is their smile (or their mouth, if they aren't smiling). The way a person smiles and how their mouth moves says a lot to me. After that, it’s their eyes. I don't have a preference, really. Or I should say, I love brown eyes but I have predominantly been with people who have blue (maybe my part of the country?) Again, its not so much the color as the depth of the eyes and what's behind them. Beyond that, it’s usually how tall they are and what they smell like. I’m a sucker for someone who smells good.  I don't care about height so much. History indicates I like short women (most of mine have been 5'2" or less) and tall men (most have been 6' or taller) but if you look at my would list you'll notice some tall women and some very small men. As for smell, I'm super sensitive. If you're wearing too much cologne it turns me off. I love the natural smell of a person. I guess, technically, I mean how you smell when you've been active. Like, you're gym smell. Though most people have a softer version of that when they aren't running a marathon, and that's usually what I notice. I've known some people whose natural pheromones made me absolutely nuts any time they were near me. 

My definition of sex depends on whether I’m with a male or a female. For me, sex is about the most intimate common physical act that you’re capable of, involving the genitals. For sex with a man, that means penetration. For a woman, that means some version of oral sex and/or touching. Everything else is either (less) foreplay or (more) special favors/preferences.

Things that turn me off or things I won’t do in general: watersports of any kind- just the mention of it freaks me out, humiliation (NOT the same as domination), lack of consent/forcing, cutting, cockiness- I don’t like partners who think their god’s gift, the sound of the phone ringing if it’s in the room, animals in the room (the cats ALWAYS go out- there’s nothing that kills the act faster than a cold nose on your leg during), food in the bedroom, boy/daddy style role play, baby voices, extreme cold

 Things that turn me on or things I generally like: kissing- lots and lots of kissing, innuendo, extended foreplay, petting, teasing, leather, playful pain (i.e. spanking, swatting, crops), light BDSM, when my partner is vocal, laughter, backs, necks, long fingers, touching “non-traditional” erogenous zones- wrists and palms, having my back touched/licked/bitten, light biting in general, warmth, anything tactile, watching my partner (mirrors are fun), wet skin (just out of shower/pool), latex, if you have scars I like to touch them (note I don’t say I want you to have them, just if I notice them), tattoos, my partner smelling good, when my partner tastes either sweet (like fruit) or like alcohol- but not the heavy fumes, just like, the light taste of beer or a cocktail.  

As a general rule I am not too terribly superficial about my partners. I do, however, require them to have all of their teeth. For some reason lack of teeth bothers me. I don’t mind curvy partners.  Height or lack of doesn't bother me. Yeah, I require teeth and you can’t be stupid. Those are automatic nos.

I would be willing to date someone off the internet, though I think that would require some prerequisites. For example, if I was getting a date from a website, I’d probably ask for a double date first with a couple I knew, so I could feel safe. If it were someone I met online I would want to have known them for a while. Confirmed identity and stuff like that. Otherwise, I don’t see what’s wrong with it. I wouldn't exclusively date ON the internet, meaning, I would like to see them in the flesh. Sex-scyping or whatever wouldn't be enough for an actual relationship, I think. 

Right. There's the NSFW version of about me. As always, questions and comments are welcome. I'm an open book. Not to mention, I've always liked writing about sex. It makes me happy. (no, as a general rule it doesn't turn me on.)

Happy Playing,

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