I'm back, and I still have plenty on my mind. I just finished dinner, and I'm pretty proud to say I ate most of it. For those of you who don't see me on a day to day basis (and I swear, I'm not looking for sympathy, I jsut feel like bitching about it) I've spent most of this summer sick as hell. Its not really a cough cough kind of sick. In fact, I have a high suspiscion that if I went to the doctor they'd tell me I am stressed out and need to take some time off. Yeah, riiiight. Here's the thing- I've been getting more headaches, I think I've mentioned that a few times. Most of them are a result of my blood sugar being all out of whack. Most of that is a result of my inability to eat anything decent.
If you know me at all, you know I'm a foodie. Me going off food has been one of the great tragedies of the summer. I love eating in summer because there are so many fun things out there. Unfortunately, everything tastes terrible. To be honest, everything tastes like blood. Its gross. The only thing I can seem to eat is fresh fruit and vegetables, which is nice, but not a balanced diet for someone like me. I need meat. I need protein. It all tastes awful. As a result, I'm spending more and more time feeling lethargic. I spent most of last night on my couch unable to even lift my arms to grab my water. When I do eat, I'm lucky to force down half of my meal, and nine times out of ten, I get sick to my stomach afterwards. I'm thinking of buying stock in charmin.
Long story short, I've gone from about 155 pounds, a healthy weight for my height and age, given my muscle mass, to about 120. Not cool. At all. And while I love looking like a bean pole, I know in my heart it isn't healthy. My size 2 work pants are getting roomy. Tiger has taken to force feeding me shakes laced with Ensure and Whey Protein. Gross. But I always feel better after, so they must be doing something right.
While laying in bed, contemplating how much it sucks not to be up and about in the evening when the temprature finally dips below 100 degrees, I got to talking to Oscelot about first impressions. Naturally, we got to talking about our first impression of eachother. Turns out, she thought I was sophisticated, because of my extensive knowledge of books and my vocabulary. I don't necessarily agree with her, but it was flattering. She mentioned that I went on "my book rant" which I apprently do any time Ihave someone over for the first time. I show them our extensive library and tell them all about my favorites. I got a huge kick out of this. Kitten verified I do indeed have a book rant. It made me laugh.
I had some people come in to Casa Bueno yesterday that did not make me laugh. Now, I will preface this with a disclaimer. I didn't feel good and that makes me testy. However, I think these people earned my ire. They were stoned. Big time. Like, I could have gotten a contact high from them, they smelled that badly of weed. They were jerks, and they made my life difficult. They were all (yes, all of them, down to the baby in diapers) wearing various shirts advertising the Christian faith.
Now, before you get all riled up and think I hate Christians- that's simply not true. I think its wonderful that there are people out there who gain consolation and faith through that religion. I do. I also think there are a lot of wonderful Christians out there who do many great things for humanity. But I also think there's a lot of jerks like these guys who set a terrible example.
Now, I did mention this to my co-workers, and we postulated everything from they were atheists masquerading a Christians to they went to the local clothing donation place and those were the shirts they got and they all happened to wear them on the same day...we tried to make excuses for them. But the fact is, wearing those shirts and acting like that give all people of that faith a terrible name.
And honestly, I think Christians get a lot more slack than they sometimes deserve. Now, I've been accused before of being insensetive to other people's feelings and religions, so I might as well tell you this part might be worth skipping if you're sensetive. Seriously. I know I don't have a filter, and sometimes I don't word things as gently as I could. But this is my space, and its my right to say what I like here. That said, onward.
Now, I know there are bad Wiccans out there. I know there are other religions out there that do terrible things. I do. And I disapprove of them. Every last one of them from their dirty spellbooks, to their strange cultish ways to their whatever it is they do. I think there's plenty of press out there for that. I know there are Muslim extremists out there. And they are bad people. But there are just as many out there who are good people who have a better sense of morality than most Americans, Christian or not. You never hear about them. I know there are bad Wiccans out there- people who scam for money and charge for spells that don't work. I know there are people out there who use Neo-paganism as an excuse to inflict harm on them. You hear plent about them too. But you hardly ever hear of a Wiccan group doing good. Why is that? I mean, I live in a really, really big city in my state. Its like, the third biggest. I frequent the occult stores, I'm groovy, and I cant even *find* an active coven in this area because they've all gone to ground for fear of persecution.
What really yanks my chain is that every time a local Christian church does something even remotely miniscule for the community, its front page news. I'm annoyed by the fact that people assume that because I am not a Christian, I can't be a good person. I'm annoyed that because I work on Sundays people assume have no faith, and that I must be a bad person because I'm not at the local Baptist church up the street. It yanks my chain that there are local and national corporations and restaurant chains that actively discriminate against anyone who isn't just like them, and it never gets press because they're allowed to do it for "religious" reasons. I'm sorry, I don't think Cracker Barrell, a publicly traded company, has any right to not hire me or refuse to serve me because I'm gay, or a pagan or any other reason. Its awful. And the minute I start up a restaurant chain that wants to be exclsive to other religions or walks of life, I know I'd have city council on me like a duck on a june bug. Hell, there are people who are kicking up a fuss because a local restaurant is moving to 18 and up at night.
I'll hand it to my boss, the other night (Sunday, actually) I came in to work in the morning. I've been working Sunday nights recently, and he noticed and said it was unusual to have me in the mornings. I told him it was nice, since it was a religious holiday for me, so I could spend time with my coven that evening. He seemed suprised, then upset that I hadn't asked off for the holiday, and then he looked horrified and asked if I had asked off and not gotten it. I simply laughed, and told him it wasn't a big deal. his sensetivity is nice. It is. But I was frank with him when I said if I asked off for every Sabbat, Esbat and any other occasion I had need to practice, I would never be able to work. (you know, retrogrades, coming out of a retrograde, fun stuff like that) Plus, I know better than to ask off for our biggest day of the year, because Halloween is impossible to get off in our store. It just is. I know better. But I also know I can practice as I am able. So he gets bonus points.
The misconceptions, though, they bother me. I mean, most of my coworkers know about my faith, and they seem truly tolerant. They take it as a matter of course, even if they don't agree with it, and some seem truly interested. One of them the other day accidentaly outted me from the "broom closet" as it were to one of our regular customers. I didn't mind. I've known him for four years, he's pretty familiar with my lifestyle and personality. I trusted him to be cool about it. You know what his response was? "Wiccan? Like, she's a witch and worships Satan?" I rolled my eyes and asked him if he honestly thought I was that stupid. He wants me to fill him in, and I will, when I have the time. But the fact is, it bothers me to think that someone who knows me relatively well would assume because I am a witch that means I worship the devil. Ignorance is such a terrible thing, especially in people who are otherwise really intelligent. It makes me sad.
For the record, yeah, I am a witch. I say Witch the way most people say Christian. Its the title for the people who practice my faith. And no, I don't worship Satan. I don't even believe in Satan. I think you give evil power when you name it, and to make something that is supposed to be evil a diety in your faith....I think its dangerous. I think the evil in this world comes from humans, who choose to make bad decisions and blame them on anything but themselves so they can't be held accountable. Which brings me full circle. I do my very best to be a good person, and to love humanity, and to be patient. I know I have my failings, but I try, every day, to be better than I was before. I know where I stumble and I humbly ask my coven and Spirit to help me be better, to try harder. But if you asked most people who live in my area, I'm going to hell and I am damned eternally because I don't believe in their god. But those jerks, high as kites, children in tow, exposing them to crassness and poor morality, they get a free ticket into heaven because they go to the right church and believe in the right god. Its silliness. I think good Christians are going to be rewarded. I do. But I also think the people of other faiths can be rewarded for their goodness as well.
I get angry when I think of it. Not healthy, really, because anger is and always will be one of my big trouble spots. I can help it, if I try, but it takes a lot of work.
Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox and let you get back to being good people. I know you are. And if I might ask the favor, if you pray, or light candles, or whatever it is you do, if you have the time- think of me. I want to get better. That's the first step. But a little help never hurts.
I love you all, as I hope to love everyone.