Saturday, August 25, 2012

I Don't Really Want To Be Seen In My Own Eyes

 I think I had mentioned before that I went out one day with Flyguy and he had taken pictures of me with my camera and with his actual camera with black and white film. I promised I would post a few of the black and whites when I got copies of them. Here are a few of them.

I think I have mentioned before, he's a really talented guy. When I saw there my jaw dropped. Honestly, I don't recognize the person in these pictures as me. I mean, clearly, they are me...but as far as photographs go, they're pretty stunning. I don't normally look like that. It seems to me that somehow he has managed to capture a little bit of who I am on the inside, rather than what I look like on the outside. There's more there, for me, than just looking pretty like I do in other pictures. I like that.

Despite the fact that I am hopelessly vain, I would like to think that most of the world that knows and likes me does so because of who I am and not what I look like. I mean, I've said it before and I'll say it many times over- I am not a supermodel. I am not even above average looking. I am a normal woman, so if you love me, it would have to be because I am something special that has nothing to do with the way I look. I think these pictures capture those things about me that are really worth looking at- they see me on the inside.

I think there's this myth surrounding me with the people that know me. They see me as this relentlessly cheerful person who always has something nice to say or some upbeat outlook on any situation. I frequently bemoan the fact that if I am having a day at work where I am not as chatty as I normally am that someone will approach me and ask me what's wrong. This happened last night, even, when one of my coworkers mentioned I hadn't spoken much to her that evening and wanted to know if I was angry with her. I just didn't have much to say, it was nothing personal.

Don't get me wrong, I am a happy person for the most part. I have a wonderful life and there are a lot of wonderful people in it- but I'm not always in some sort of manic free love state. I can't be, honestly, I don't have the energy. That's what I love about these pictures. When we went out to take these, I was in a really good mood. I was feeling very high energy because I was out and about with Flyguy and he's a really fun person to be around. I hadn't seen him in a while and I was delighted that we were spending time together. But when we were taking these pictures, I was pretty well not posed. I was just wandering around in this dress and every now and again I would stop and we would mess around with the camera. The thing that gets me is that out of the photos that I picked from the set he sent me to show you, I only knew when he was taking one of these. The rest of them were pictures he took while I was either resting, thinking he was fooling around with the lenses or something, or I was lost in thought. I love them, though, because he manages to capture a moment of me as I am, just resting, and thinking about whatever it was I was thinking about.

I love these photos because they are the real me.

I am not relentlessly cheerful. I am not hopelessly depressed. I am not always happy, and I am not always lost in some deep thought. There is a time when I simply exist, and in those moments I feel like I am more myself than I am at any other time.

What do you think about when you are alone? When left to your own devices, what crosses your mind? For me, sometimes it is merely me thinking of all the things I want to do or need to do. Sometimes I am making a grocery list, or wondering what to cook for dinner. Admittedly, sometimes if you catch me staring off into space I am fantasizing about something or someone, and totally indulging myself. Other times you would be catching me remembering things that have happened to me and how I felt about it. One of my favorite things to do is to lay back and close my eyes and let the images of all the people I love fill my mind. I enjoy letting my mind linger on the people who make me most happy. Some of you reading here fit that bill, you might be interested to know, and I love to sit and while away a few minutes or hours contemplating the nature of those that mean the most to me.

If I were to describe myself I know that the word I would most often use is "intense." I don't so anything halfway. If I like you, I go for it. If I care about you, I love you. If I don't like you, well, that's pretty intense too. My passions are overwhelming as are my fears and my hopes. I don't know where this part of me came from, or how it came to be my most prominent feature. But it is, and I think that every now and again, if you look at me just right, you can see it.

This is a silly little ramble, I suppose, but I felt like talking this morning. Here I am, and here you are. I'm sure I will find something more interesting to talk about later this evening, but in the meantime, there's pictures to look at, anyway.

I'm rather pretty aren't I? I think I'll have to chalk that up to my darling Flyguy's talent.

Love you all,

1 comment:

  1. He's a very talented photographer, but he also had an amazing subject to work with.

    I think some of the best shots any photographer takes are candids, not posed. You capture that sense of who a person really is when they're not "on," so to speak. I love what Flyguy has shown us, how beautiful you are inside and out.

    I don't know of anyone who is relentlessly cheerful and happy, unless perhaps they are on medication. Most people have quiet times when they are neither particularly up nor down. Down times happen, too, of course, and that's just part of being human. At least people see you as cheerful and not someone to be avoided because of negativity. *hug*

    Your passion for life and capacity to love are aspects of who you are that draw me (and others, I'm sure) to you. Most of the things that irritate or anger you have the same effect on me. See? In that statement I acknowledge that you aren't always happy, and I like you just the same. *G* You're just better than I am at putting it out there... another thing to love about you. :0)

    What do I think about? Sometimes it's about things that stress me, like money, returning to school and subsequent fears of failure/success academically and, eventually, professionally. When these thoughts occur I try to change the channel in my brain. Sometimes I'm pondering family and friends, how lucky I am to have all of you in my life and wondering if there's anything I can do for you all. Sometimes I'm thinking about my husband, how blessed I am to have his love. Sometimes I'm thinking about some fictional story/characters that I've seen or read, or written. Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about my past, remembering good times, bad times, sad times and joyful times.

    And sometimes I come back to myself and realize that I wasn't thinking anything in particular at all; I was spacing out. *G*

    Sometimes I think I spend too much time thinking, and not enough doing.

    Love you!