Thursday, May 26, 2011

Talking to My Lover

This is a post for all my lovers, I'm thinking of you tonight.

Tonight, I just want to talk to you. I want to tell you everything I've never told you, all the secrets I hide inside my heart. I want to tell you all the things you make me think of.

I remember looking at you for the first time, and I couldn't look away. I remember the way you looked, in the dimness, in the dark shimmering cloak of night. I remember the way your hair caught the light. I remember the way your teeth gleamed brightly when you smiled at me.

I remember when you took my hand, and you wouldn't let go. You held on too long, you squeezed me too tight. I could feel it then, before anything else happened, in the soft, gentle pressure you gave me in that moment. You were going to be mine. I was meant to belong to you.

I remember the first time you wrapped your arms around me. You held me so close, so near you. I could smell your cologne, I could smell your shampoo. I breathed in the soapy scent of your neck. Even now, after all this time, if I smell them; your soap, your cologne, your shampoo- the memory of that moment comes rushing back to me and I feel you all over me again.

Do you remember our first kiss? I can't forget it. I can't ever let go that hushed breathless moment when our lips touched for the first time. There was so much there. The intensity, like the wind in a storm, sweeping over us. You were so deep, so full, I couldn't let that moment go. It became something more, a second kiss, and a third, and I thought to myself why did we wait so long for this?

There are moments, too, that must seem so simple, so trite, like you would never remember them. Do you remember walking barefoot through the grass with me? I remember it, I can't forget. It tickled, it teased, brushing against my bare ankles like your caresses. It was a sweet moment, the sky seemed farther away than it ever had, when you took ahold of my hand and led me through the rustling green kisses. The whole world separated from us, and it was you and me walking through this singular plane, a world we had created together. No one else was in it, but we were never lonely.

When I danced with you that first time? Do you remember the way your hips felt against mine? Do you remember how I threw my head back and laughed? There was nothing else for me to do. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure how to act. I only knew I didn't want to spoil that moment when you began to dance with me. You made me sweat. You made me move. You move me still. But that night, I was more graceful than I had ever been, I was more beautiful than I had ever been. I was sex, and longing and laughter and happiness all in the same moment because you danced with me.

There are other things too. Long langourous drives. Do you remember those? The wind whipped through my hair as we drove, probably too fast, and talked like we would never talk to each other again. I remember, the windows down, the air rushing past me, how amazing it felt to reach across the seat and hold your hand while we drove. We sang, too loudly, to the music on the radio, and when the singing was done, we were quiet, still, and being togeher was the only thing we needed.

Still, there are some things I think of now, that I think of all the time. Your voice, for example. I can't stop it from echoing in my head. It sounds like everything. There is a symphony resting inside you and it plays for me whenever you speak. Sometimes it is high, and the flutes dance as you laugh with me. Other times I can hear the low sonorous tones of the strings as you weep. Your sadness has an unearthly beauty, and painful as it is, I still find myself listening with wonder.

But your whisper, that is my favorite thing. Like wind in the trees. Your whisper is my secret and yours. Its the sound we make only between us. Its the secrets we never tell but share only in look, and in touch and in hard to hear moments when we're together.

I remember it, the sound of your whisper in my ear as we loved each other. I can hear you now, telling me how beautiful I am, how much you need me, and I feel you pressed on top of me like we never stopped and you are here still. I hear you saying my name and to me, for once, it sounds like something beautiful, something more than my name. You say my name and I hear a million other things. I hear my desire and yours. I hear my need. I hear longing and love and lust. I hear the pain of our separation and the joy of our union. I would wait, forever and forever again, to hear you whisper my name.

Before you were mine, did you ever feel me near you and ache? I did, surely you must know, you must have known then or how would we have gotten to where we were? It ws the simple things: you patting my back, you hugging me goodbye, your gentle press of hand when you had something personal to say. They made me crazy. I remember once, you leaned in a brushed my hair out of my eyes- such a simple gesture. In that moment all I wanted was to lean in and kiss you, to taste you in my mouth, and see if I was dreaming all of the tenderness I was feeling.

Later, when we had been together, none of those touches lost their meaning. You could still raise the hair on my arm with a touch. You could still undo me with a glance. It only took a word, so brief, to bring my desire bubbling to the surface. I never grew tired of the look of you, or the sound of your voice. I never stopped wanting you to touch me. I never grew bored with the press of your body against mine.

You were there, you know, the moment I gave everything away. You were the one I gave it to. You took my heart inside you with a touch. I let myelf be completely yours. It was heaven, that night, when we finally let ourselves be together. I'd never known anything like that first touch. I was a new person the moment your skin touched mine. The world expanded and you made me into something different with your mouth and hands on my body. You made me into something I can't escape even now. I wouldn't want to, because I would never have been yours.

We parted. We had to. I hated every second of it. There's more pain in the goodbye to you than I would have ever admitted in person. There was more torture in letting you go than I would ever have told you outside of this place. The sight of you walking away from me, knowing you were no longer still cuts deep. It makes my eyes tear to think of it. And then, with those tears, I think of yours. You thought I wouldn't see them. How could I not? I saw them in your eyes, unshed, and the sadness there drug me down further than you will ever know. When you were gone, I sank down, curled up into a blanket and I tried to cry those tears for you. I couldn't make them come, so I lit up a cigarette, and let the smoke do my crying for me. I was hoarse the next day from our pain. But I didn't mind, I was sharing something with you.

There are things I should have told you. Things I want to tell you now.

I loved you almost immediately. There was never a moment I didn't want to be yours.

I love you still, in spite of everything. I could never truly stop loving you.

I was wrong, too many times, and I should have told you then. I'm sorry.

I was stupid and blind and foolish. Sometimes on purpose, but not always.

You made me feel more special, more beautiful, than I have ever felt before. Thank you.

I still think of you, and I wonder if you think of me. If you do, I hope its with fondness. I always think of you fondly. I think of our moments, the ones we stole, the ones we cherished, the ones of pure unbridled ecstasy.

I miss you. More than I could say.

I love you.

You're beautiful.


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