Tuesday, July 26, 2011

How These Days Grow Long

Its six a.m. and I am awake and doing laundry. Wow.

I'm not normally what you would call a morning person. I like to sleep late. Well, as late as I can. Normally a latemorning for me is about ten. But that's pretty late, considering I usually get up between four thirty and five. Now, granted, this is usually to drive Kitten to work and I almost always go back to bed for an hour or two...but today I am awake and washing a load of whites so we have clean socks. You can't imagine how much laundry a household of three women can generate. Especially given that we all change clothes at least twice a day. Its not vanity, we just don't like wearing our dirty work clothes once we're done working. If we get out into the garden then we have another round of messy clothes to get out of as well...Either way...

I'm still waiting on my mom to see if I get to go back to school. Its not a great feeling, really, this whole being dependent on your parents thing. I've not been used to it, really, and as a grown adult it feels...well, I don't like it. I hate asking for help and the idea that I truly need it is frustrating. I'm keeping my hopes up, however. She says she'll be able to help me out by this Thursday. If that's the case, then we'll see. I should be registered for school by next week. If it doesn't happen, I suppose I'm going to have to hang my hopes on next semester. I can be patient. I keep telling myself that. I've waited this long, it won't hurt me to wait a few more months.

I had a plesant suprise at work yesterday. Well, a few. The small suprise was that Rogue was still in a fabulous mood, and wanted to chat and teamwork with me all morning. I remember now why I enjoyed being around her all that time ago. I'm pleased to have her friendship, in whatever form she offers it. Even if it is only in the form of a very supportive and fun coworker. Truth be told, she's probably one of my favorite people to work with.

The bigger suprise was that one of the rollergirls came up to work yesterday to apply for a job. I had mentioned to her we were hiring, and I knew she was looking for something new and different than what she has now. I came around the corner at the front and she was sitting there, waiting for me, another roller girl in tow. It made me smile. I had a nice time talking to her while she filled out her application. I talked her up to my boss, because she really is a nice person, as far as I know her. She's fun loving, she seems to get along well with people. I think she'd be a great fit on our crew, so bonus for me. I'm hoping they'll call her for an interview sometime soon.

I also had a chance to sneak out back and have a cigarette with her. I was rather suprised. The friend she brought with her told me she thought I was sweet for helping her out. I really didn't think it was a huge deal. I suppose sometimes I take my job for granted. Of course I do, having been there for as long as I have. I also didn't think it was a huge deal to give her a leg up if I could- that's what you do for your friends, right? And I do hope that she and I get to be friends. I admire her quite a bit. I've mentioned her several times in my other posts, though not by name. She's a kick ass player, and off the track a very funny lady. If she applies herself at work the way she does with roller derby my bosses will be thanking me on bended knee, that's for sure. Anyway, a plesant intteruption to an otherwise boring morning.

I've still got a wandering foot right now. My mind is itching for a break, and unfortunately I'm not going to get one anytime soon. Normally we have the time and money to take a few days off from work in the summer to just get away. This summer that isn't the case. I can feel the stress in our household right now, and I sincerely wish we had a chance to get away, just the three of us, to have a nice time. I think we're doing our best to make every day off we have like a little getaway, but sometimes a change of scene can do worlds of good. I think we all need it. I know I do for sure.

I keep thinking of our trip to Portland last year, and getting to see Perpet, however briefly. It was really nice. The city was beautiful and we had a good time just getting lost in it. We spent a lot of time in the rose city being lost in the moment. It was a lot of fun. Of course, we also spent the other evening talking about how we'd like to take another trip to Disney World (laugh if you will!). Kitten and I had such a nice time on our honeymoon. There was so much to do. There we a lot of things we didn't get around to, and there are a lot of things we want to do again- especially now that Oscelot is with us. We'd have a really good time. We did determine that we would most definately need to take a longer trip this time, because eight days just isn't enough when you want to see and taste everything. Hell, we didn't even get to explore our hotel, really, and when you're staying in a recreated African lodge, complete with animals roaming ona savannah...well, we needed more time. That's all there was to it.

For now I am left with dreaming of what we could do, if we had the chance. I think about what we will do, when the time comes. When I'm feeling terribly distracted and tired I look through my old photo albums and travel books. It gives me a sense of peace. It also reminds me that this place, this town I live in, is not the one I want to be in all my life. Its not the one I want to have a career in, or stay in until I die. I need to be away from here. The sooner I leave, the happier I'll be.

I feel like I am emotionally disconnected this morning. There are a lot of things in my head and in my heart that I can't seem to bring myself to write about. I want to talk them out, to feel them through, and see what I truly think. This space is my journal, in the truest sense of the word, because many times when I write here I am sorting things out in my mind. Right now I've got things I've been thinking of nearly constantly, and I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like I need to get it out of my system. I'm an emotional ostrich right now. I want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend I'm not dealing, even if I am.

I do have one small comfort. However neurotic I am, I can find rest. As I tried to sleep last night thoughts of these problems, the ones I don't want to talk or think about, were chasing themselves through my head. Normally this would mean I would dream about them too, I often dream of whatever I am thinking of as I fall asleep. I was tossing, trying to let go, trying to find a comfortable place where I could take a few deep breaths and relax. I just wasn't getting there. Then my two sleeping ladies did what was best for me, even though they didn't know they were doing it. Oscelot curled up against me with a sigh, and Kitten rolled against me and took ahold of my hand. I instantly felt safe, and loved. I needed those things. I fell asleep.

When I woke this morning that was the one thing I could hold on to. It was my first thought. There's something special about being able to hold hands with the person you love as you go to sleep. There's something beautiful about the reassurance you feel knowing when you wake up you'll still be in their arms. Waking up then, and being right, being in the person you love's arms, is the best feeling in the world.

I suppose I don't have too much to complain about after all. I mean, how many people are lucky enough to have two life partners? How many can say they feel as safe and happy as I do when I wake up? I'm betting there aren't many.

I'm off. I'm going to change my laundry and catch a catnap before my day at work. I go in early today, and work until 5. Hours, blessed hours, even if it does wear me out. I can't mind it too much. I've got something to look forward to tonight.

Have a good day, friends. Hopefully I'll be back tonight with something more interesting to talk about.


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