Friday, July 1, 2011

Solitary Ramble

It feels like I have something important to say tonight, but I can't seem to get it out. Its one of those nights where I've started this post four or five times, erased it, and wanted to start over. And here I am, still strangely unable to say what's on my mind. I wonder if this is because i have something to say, and its hard or if there's really nothing in me at all tonight, and I want there to be.

I think, much to your reading detriment, and probably to better my feelings, this may just be a ramble, and I'll see where things go. I know there are a lot of things on my mind, so maybe- just maybe, if I let it out, I'll find what it is I meant to say all along.

Do you ever have a day where you think about things that you don't want to? Where the thoughts that refuse to leave you are the ones you like the least? I'm having that day where I want to be happy and think of beautiful, plesant things, but the moment they enter my mind they flit away and leave the shadows behind me.

I had a moment tonight at work, when I was out smoking and I was thinking about my ex. We were talking about those terrible nights you have when you drink and you wake up and wonder what happened. You remember a before and an after, but the during part is what stumps you. You know you were there, you know you were moving around, but what you were doing...that's all black and grey. i laughed, I remember, and said that's why I don't drink anymore. I do, sometimes, but never to excess. I haven't drank to excess in a very long time. Its been a while since I've woken up and wondered what I'd done. A lot of those nights were when I was with BBD. I laughed, and said I recalled on of the biggest fuck-ups I'd ever had- I woke up one morning and realized I was engaged to someone I despised, that I resented and couldn't respect. I woke up and realized I couldn't even be attracted to them because I didn't even like their sex. I woke up and realized that I was miserable, and I didn't respect or love myself anymore because I had gotten myself into this place and the person I was would have never let it happen. What happened? Where did I go so terribly wrong?

I remember when Beloved and I split up. I didn't feel much of anything. I was a little hurt. I was a little angry. But I wasn't suprised. I knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time. I don't blame her, I really don't. But I think, if I'm honest, my ego took a blow. I felt like I was a person who must not be worth much. Beloved is such an honest, responsible, innately good person. For me to have fallen short of her standards...there must have been soemthing wrong with me. I reverted to who I was when I had met her. I drank, I partied, I didn't care who I was with or where Iw as at. I wanted to be diverted. I wanted to forget my own shortcomings. I wanted release for all those years I had tried to hard to be a good, responsible person becuase I wanted to make her happy.

I realize now, as a responsible adult, who is reposnsible because I want to be; that I wasn't in the right place. When I was with her, I should have wanted to be better because it was good for me, not because it was what made her happy. I know now what I had known all along, which is good friends and lovers make you better. They help you become more who you are, not because they mean to but because they are in your life. I understand now some of the underlying resentment that Beloved had for Perpet and for Rogue. They were good for me. They made me push myself. They helped me see who I was, and it was then that I started realizing I wasn't happy in my relationship or in who I was becoming. I needed a change. My life now is full of people who push me to be better. I don't want to be better because they make me, but because I want to be my best. They bring it out in me, they force me to be honest about who I am and what i want. I love them for that. I see that they know me, and I know myself, and there's no hiding from that. In my life now, there isn't room to hide. There isn't room for anything but me being honest with myself and with the people I love. I deserve my best, and so do they.

I could look back and regret the whole BBD thing. I could. I could say if I got a do-over I would change things. I wouldn't. Granted, I would like my beautiful truck back. I would like to not being in debt for school, or be finished with school the way I should have been. I'd like to not have all the hospital bills from me not taking care of myself and me winding up in the ER because I couldn't do anything to save me from me. I wish those things had never happened. But everything has a purpose. There's always a reason. I learned a lot about myself when I was with him. I realized that no, it isn't the person I love. Its a pretty thought, but when it comes to men no matter how pretty or awesome, I can't love them the way I love a woman. I learned that there are some things worth risking everything for. I learned how little I had respected myself, and how much I cared about myself when push came to shove. because truth be told, had he never hurt me, had he never given me the excuse to leave; I still would have left. I deserved more. I deserved better. My soul mate had come back into my life, and there was nothing I wasn't willing to risk to keep her. Thank god, had I been stupid and blind, she was planning on ruining my wedding so I wouldn't tie myself to someone I hated. She was ready to risk everything for me too. That's real love.

There isn't a whole lot in my life that I regret. I'm generally a person who believes that you should never regret anything, or want to go back and do things differently. I think we make the decisions we make for a reason, and when we make them we recognize that there will be conaequence, for better or worse, to go with it. We choose to accept that consequence to receive the benefit of the choice we made...Still there are moments in time when I made a choice that I wish when I made it I had realized the consequence. Or rather, i wish my ability to know the future, such as it is, were more complete. There are moments in my life I wish I had savored, not knowing that it would be the only time I felt something, or the only chance I would have to do something. There are people I have had leave my life, that had I known that was my last moment, I would have put more into it. I would have given them more than I did. I am a firm believer that you should never leave an emotion. I don't like to let things lie. I think you waste chances when you do that. Unfortunately, its one of my biggest problems. Sometimes I go too far, and it makes a situation harder to bear. Other times I don't go far enough, and I find myself replaying certain moments in my head, wishing I had felt at that moment what I feel know when I think of it.

Is that silly? Is that childish? I don't know. But I know this, there are times when my goodbye was not enough. There are times when that last kiss should have been much more than it was. There are times when I wish I hadn't edited myself, and I had let it go regardless of what the other person thought because I look back now and I wish I had the courage to say it. In almost all of these circumstances the person is still in my life, in some form, or is close enough by that I could (were I so inclined) make good on my wish. But sometimes its senseless to do it. Sometimes its only time and experience that make you realize how special a person really is to you. Its those times, mostly, that I feel this feeling. I don't think its regret, really. I'm not sure what you would call it. Nostalgia, maybe? Sometimes its that. Meloncholy? sometimes it comes in fits. I have a pretty extensive vocabulary but the word I want escapes me tonight. Regret is something that you could change, if you went back to that moment. But...if it were that same moment I know i wouldn't do it differently, because of who I was. Who I am now is the person that seeks the change. Does that make sense?

An example or two? There was a person who made me feel very good about myself on a night that should have been very special to me when I was 17. It was horrible, I felt worthless, and this person stopped me and said something to me I will never forget. The person I am now wants to go back in time, take their hand and tell them how very much that meant. But me, shy and terrified at 17, never would have. It would have humiliated me to do it. It would have meant me admitting what I saw as my own inadequacies (which now I treasure as some of my best traits) and being thankful for notice I know now I deserved.

I had a friend, Alexi, (if you've read me long enough you know of him) and he was a very dear friend. He was more special to me than I ever admitted. I ruined our friendship with willful ignorance. I chose not to make it right. I remember the last time I saw him, and arrogantly, I assumed I would see him again. I never did, and however many times as a young adult I tried to make it up to him, or tried to find him, I never did successfully resolve what happened between us. Who I am now wishes I had been me then, because he deserved a better friend than I ever was. I find myself, 11 years after our parting, still wondering where he is and how he is doing. We have mutual friends, I could ask, but I know the answer will be given with a headshake. He has moved on from our mutual infliction of pain. Somehow I never did. I'm pretty sure that's because most of the blame for our failed relationship lays at my door.

I recognize now that it is one of my faults. I'm arrogant. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone will agree with me, if I know them. My friends, I should say. My lovers. My confidantes. I take for granted their opinions sometimes. Its not that I think everyone has to agree with me. Its more that most of my friends have such similar outlooks to mine that I forget every now and again that they might feel differently from me. I also have a bad habit of assuming I will always have the people I love in my life. The sad thing is, I've learned my lesson over and over that that is not always going to be the case. Still, I sometimes willfully ignore the chance that I might not always have them around. I walk the line of learning what regret really is far too often. I should fix that, honestly.

I think that's about all the introspection I can take at the moment. The more I think of it, the more annoyed I become with myself. I see now the things I need to focus on in the relationships I have, and it makes me anxious to see if I can make myself better. I have so many wonderful people in my life, I should tell them more often how I feel about them. I should make sure that I am living without the chance of regret with them. In fact, for the people I love (who may or may not be reading) a special word for you. Its a list, but I think you'll know when I'm talking to you.

I love you. I couldn't go a day without you. Thank you for being in my life.

Chance brought us together, I'm never letting you go. I want to make every day of your life happier and better than you had ever hoped it could be.

You never give up on me, even when I'm at my most foolish. I know I can always count on you and I also know I can never repay you for all the things you have done for me. I'm going to try anyway, because you're an amazing person and I love you.

You remind me off all of my potential. You give me the strength to be myself because you have the strength to be yourself. You are a good, kind, loving person. I wouldn't be the person I am now if you were not in my life. Thank you for all of your encouragement.

You are more special to me than I could ever tell you. You've brought me through some of the worst times I've had in the last year. You seem to understand what I need, even when I don't. I love you for your honesty and your goodness more than anything. I know, at times, you must think I have completely lost sense of our relationship. However foolish I become, remember that my life would be bereft without you. Be patient with me. I will always be there for you. Thank you for forgiving me.

My dear readers, I hope this day was a good start to a new month for you. If it wasn't, keep faith. Tomorrow is something new, and better. I know, for most of you, I am a name and a picture. However that might be, if there is anything I can assist you with, outside of our beautiful little blogland, you need only comment, or email me, and I will do my best for you. I've found some of the people I trust most through my blog. I may not be corporeal, but I'm here, all the same.

You have my love, as you always do.

1 comment:

  1. you know, you remind me of my cat - in a good way. Some days, when you get in, she just wants some love and can't get enough cuddles and head scratches. I love that. These last couple of posts, you're reminding me of that. It's nice.