Wow, guys. You like the posts about sex! I think that last post was my highest hit count in ages. Not that I'm mad, or suprised. Most of the people who read my blog are friends of mine...or I should rather say that I haven't had anyone new comment on it in a long time, so I assume I know most of you who are reading me...
Anyway. I was glad to see that you're dropping by, and since we're on the subject, and both you and I seem to like it, I figured I would continue it. Sex is an endlessly fascinating subject to me, I could probably blog exclusively about it if I felt like it. I won't I promise, but I could.
The thing I was thinking about the last couple of days is rather convoluted. I was thinking about sensuality and also what constituted good sex. This came about in a rather off kilter sort of way. Part of it was I was rethinking over some of my past conversations with my friends about the topic. The other was I was reminded, as a result of these conversations, of an old lover of mine who accused me once of being "really sensual." I took it as a compliment, but the thing was, out of all my lovers, this would be the one I would least expect it from. It still baffles my mind. Let me explain:
This particular lover of mine was not someone I was in love with. It was a fling. We slept together a few times, off and on. It was never anything serious. This partner was, to be honest, a bit of a jerk and that was part of why I liked them. There were never any pretentions to love or a long term relationship, and as most of you who've known me long will corroborate- I like pig-headed partners if I'm out for a good time. They're more of a challenge and I pride myself on my ability to please even the toughest of comers. (no pun intended)
The reason I was so suprised was because this person was not romantic at all. We weren't romantic, even when we were sleeping together. In fact, this was one of my first experiences where I realized that sex is not something you could take seriously all the time. We'd be sitting on the couch talking politics and all of a sudden I'd discover we were having sex. I mean, yeah, that's why I'd come over, but all the same I was stunned to discover a debate about medicare and social security could work as foreplay. We carried on the conversation while having sex. Some people might say that's terribly boring, or maybe the epitome of geek sex. I don't think it was either of those things. We had a nice time, it felt good, we were both pleased. But my partner didn't see the point in stopping the conversation just because we were into each other.
Given this rather unique situation (one I haven't repeated since then) I was really suprised when I was told by them that they found me "really sensual" and that it came as a bit of a suprise to them. I don't know that love and politics, or any other sort of serious topic, usually go hand in hand. Apparently, though, this time, it worked. I mean, at the time I took the compliment with a puzzled smile and moved on. But thinking about it now- I don't think I was trying to be sensual. I was just enjoying myself. Does that always constitute sensuality? I'm not sure.
I think that I've been with plenty of people who were extremely sensual, but you could tell they were trying to be. I've been with people who just were and it was a part of them. I'm not sure how you would define it. I mean, I think in relation to myself, my "sensuality" as it were is more that I am an extremely tactile person. I like to touch and to be touched. What's the point of sex if you can't enjoy a person completely? I want to feel every part of my partner. I don't think that's sensual, I think that's good sense. I mean...I hate to use the phrase "you've seen one you've seen them all" because that is certainly not the case. But, I do think that there are far less suprises when it comes to the actual sex organs than there is in the rest of the body of the person you're sleeping with. I mean, doesn't everyone enjoy finding the nice spots, the ticklish spots, the places where they have birthmarks, freckles and scars from falling on the playground as a child? Those are the best places. Those are the places that make your partner unique and interesting. Right?
I'm interested, you see, in what you think sensuality is. Maybe its that I have no definition to work from. Maybe its because if I actually set out to be that way, I feel like I'm play acting. Of all things, I think sex should be real. I think the act itself is something that should be natural for both people involved.
Which sort of, kind of, brings me to the second thing milling about in my head. What constitues good sex, and how important is it? If you go back to my post prior, and you think about the first time you sleep with someone, I think there's that moment there where you consider afterwards exactly how that felt for you. I think sometimes that's a determining factor for whether or not you do it again. Not always, but sometimes.
Now, I was debating with someone the other day about whether or not you should dump somebody because the sex is bad. I think that's not ever a good cause, although I think in that there is a root problem that possibly goes deeper. Here's why. My friend argues that if the person is trying, and maybe they aren't experienced, or they're nervous, or whatever and it doesn't go as well as you hoped, you shouldn't be basing your whole relationship solely on that act. There has to be more. I do agree. I think that sometimes it takes partners time to find a good stride. And if you are new to it, or you've been less adventurous that your partner, or you just did things differently with all your other partners- sometimes there's a learning curve. You don't say, "well, that didn't work for me, so we can't date anymore."
I am totally there on that one. BUT I also think that if you've been with your partner for a while and things in the bedroom have never heated up, that's something to be concerned about. Here's why- there's a compatability issue here. Maybe you don't trust your partner (you probably shouldn't be having sex with them). Maybe they're selfish. Or you are. Maybe their kinks are simply too much for you, and you can't handle it and it freaks you out. Okay. I get it. But I think that you put that up to a relationship issue that's been manifesting in the bedroom. Its then, I think, you can probably say "maybe this is not working for us" and move on. But I also think you make it clear, the sex may not be great but its a personality thing that's really killing it. Also, I think if you've been with someone a long time and the sex goes bad...well, that's a problem too, and likely one that has nothing to do with sex.
Anyway, so good sex? Important? Yeah, probably, but I think in a different way then most people would think. I've had partners that I didn't think were as talented or adventurous as others I'd been with. This doesn't mean they were bad, just different. I think you're on a slippery slope when you start comparing partners. And at no time do you ever say "my old partner did this and it really worked for me, try it." That's a killer there. I mean, yeah, if you like a certain technique, teach your partner and see if it still works for you. But, for god's sake, don't mention your ex, because that puts other people in the bedroom with you and is a can of worms you probably don't want to open. I'm just saying...
As for the act itself, I think that part of what makes sex good is who you're with. I mean, I've had some partners that could do things that bent my mind and turned me inside out. I've had partners finish me so hard that I actually was physically sick afterward from the vertigo. I still prefer other people I've been with because I enjoyed their company more- in and out of bed. To me, they were better lovers, because we connected at a different level (something Flash mentioned in his comment on the other post, and I completely agree with). I do think that other things, like whether or not you like screamers, or nails, or tender or whatever...I think that's personal preference and doesn't constitute good or bad. I think that's something you should probably talk about with the person you're with before hand. I mean, if you like a good spanking and it weirds your girlfriend out...well, things might not work out there and you need to resolve that issue before you hit the sheets.
Am I wrong on that one? I mean, how many of you actually talk to your partners before you've gotten into bed with them about the things you like? Obviously I can't pretend that you would cover this with someone who you're having a one night stand with. I mean, pick-ups aside, I would be completly freaked out if someone at a bar was like "Hey, I know we're thinking about leaving together, so I need to know, are you into reverse cowgirl?" But I do think, with most of my partners, the topic of sex, the act, comes up in conversation pretty frequently before we bed each other. Am I unique in this? I don't know. I still think its a good idea.
So, here I am, straddling the fence again. Last post I said sex isn't something holy, it isn't some deep mystical act. I believe that. But I also believe that to have a truly good time, you have to be connected to your partner in some way. You have to be on the same wavelength. Am I a hypocrite? I don't know. I mean, if you take it only to mean you have to love you're partner I suppose I am. And I have to confess, the times I've really, really enjoyed myself, if I tote them all up into like a top five list or something- four of those five? I loved them. But then, that partner I mentioned earlier...we connected and I did not love them. Not in the slightest. But I think we understood each other, and that made all the difference. Because, honestly, I did have a nice time.
What do you think? Do you measure good sex purely based on how good you felt after? Or is it something more?
Let me know. We'll go from there.