Friday, January 6, 2012

You'd Be Back to Bother Me

A warning to those of you who would like to retain the illusion I am a nice person...I'm about to creully make fun of my ex. Or at least, let his own words do the making fun for me...

Its that time of year again...or so it seems. My ex is trying to get into contact with me again.

Now, as a breif update, for those of you new to the blog or my life, before I married Kitten I was engaged to a guy I refer to as BBD. We dated for about 6 months before he proposed, and god knows why, but I accepted. The long and short of the whole situation was it was a bad idea from the beginning, and honestly, I attribute a bit of it to rebounding from my breakup with Beloved and most of it to alcohol. Either way, it was a mess, and a few years ago I ran back into Kitten, who is without a doubt the love of my life, and she totally helped me when things got more awful than I could expect them to get in that relationship, and she let me stay with her. The rest is history, she and I are blissfully happy.

Unfortunately, there is always a fly in the ointment of happiness, and BBd is one source of mine, or was until I dealt with the situation once and for all yesterday. You see, even after three years he doesn't seem to understand that when I say go away and never bother me again that I mean it. Over the last three years I have recieved a number of annoying and pathetic messages from him. When I was working as a DJ downtown, god knows how he found out, he actually showed up at my workplace during the middle of one of my shifts, drunk as hell (suprise) and begged me, in front of his girlfriend, to come back to him. Thank god the bouncers were friends with Kitten, because honestly she was ready to try and kick his ass for not leaving me alone. Alls well that ends well though.

Anyway, if you're my friend on facebook you'll have already read some of his lovelorn letters to me, which I post for my own amusement and that of my friends. Suffice to say, the more he talks the more I wonder what the hell I could have possibly been thinking. I'm not the kind of girl who is usually suceptable to lines, but I must have been, because this seems his preferred method of attack. That, and cliche.

For example, my first one posted:

I don't know how else to reach you personally...I found this in my history of facebook logins..I miss youI don't know what else to say other than that. Every once in a while I seek you out. Just to see pictures of you...I'm not a stalker, I don't do it all the time or anything, sometimes I just feel weak and lonely and starving for you and i give in to my better insitncts. And I hate it. I hate it so much. All I want is to be rid of you. But I find myself thinking of you daily and dreaming of you nightly and its been a year and a half and its driving me fucking mad...I miss you...I don't know why I am mailing you I guess I just want to know that my insanity is not based on a ghost. I miss you. And you are so bad for me and my development and I can't help it...I hate myself...

Flattering, right? I mean, outside the obvious fact that he IS stalking me, despite me telling him to never contact me again...nothing turns a girl's head like being told she's missed and the fellow hates himself for it...

So in this instance, I sent him off a reply, which I thought was more tolerant, fair and kind than he deserved...excerpted below:

I have to say I am very suprised to hear form you. I can't say I'm pleased to hear from you either. I apologize if that hurts your feelings, but its the truth.

I don't know what you want from me. I am a very happy woman now. Hindsight being 20/20 I can see more how unhappy I was and how cruel I became when I was with you. I don't say this was a direct result of my relationship with you, but it was a part of me, at that time, that I don't care for. My relationship with Kitten is a happy and healthy one. I am a happier and healthier person. I am becoming more succesful.

I apologize for any pain I might have caused you. I do. But that does not mean I regret leaving you and pursuing my own happiness. I honestly believe if you would seek help and learn to let go you would realize I am not only not right for you as a mate but not right for you as a friend either. I think you are still fixated on your idea of what I might have been to you had I stayed with you and conformed to fit your ideal of a wife. I am none of those things.
Honeslty, BBD, I don't think I was an impediment to your development. I think all those personal issues that I repeatedly asked you to get help for were what kept you from being a whole and happy person. Go get help. You need it. You certainly need it if you think it is acceptably to email a married woman who is no longer attached to your life almost two years after she told you to leave her alone for good. Keep in mind the last two times I had any contact with you were as follows: you sought me out on my blog and posted disparaging messages about my relationship and you showed up at my place of employ and caused a scence (in front of your girlfriend at the time) Please stop seeking me out. It isn't healthy for you and it worries me for my safety. If necessary I will delete my facebook account, moce my blogs and make any attempt necessary to remove myself from your path. I want to think this was a result of a night of drinking, the time of this email seems to indicate so.

My best hope is that you have regretted contacting me and will not do so again.

Please accept my best wishes for your happiness.

See, I tried to be nice, and honestly, I think I was more than fair. Those of you who know me will immediately appreciate the fact that I didn't tell him to go to hell striataway. I say straitaway because (a lesson I am learning) engaging him only encourages his bad behavior. I received a reply message almost immediately:

Okay look...I didn't read your reply. Only because I was extremely embarassed. You don't understand, any new information I have about you makes my heart pound out of my chest adn the butterflies in my stomach start a rebellion...its very rare, but every time I see a picture of you or read a is like my heart is leaping out and I get afraid and hurt and sad and sick. I know you probably don't understand...maybe you were that way with (insert my long time expartner's name here) when she was moving on...but it hurts. It hurts more than anything I've experienced. And feeling like this for over a year has killed me...absolutely killed me and made me feel so...powerless and inadequate. So please don't respond to this because I will probably just delete it because I can't take reading it.

I made [female friend's name- redacted] read your reply and she didn't really tell me anythign other than you wanted to delete your facebook and stuff. you don't have to do that. Don't worry. I won't interfere anymore. Look...I don't know hwo to make this understandable to you...I've held the pain of you leaving me far longer than my father dying. Far longer than anything negative in my life. I often think that if I could go back in time and change anything it would be that night at {;ocal bar- redacted] where I got my DUI and spiraled downward. I feel that would make an entire differnce in my life. Financially, educationally, romantically. I would give anything for that.

When I asked you to marry me I meant it. I don't want to spend a second of my life without you. I didn't want to spend a second of my life with anyone else. Ever since you left me I feel like my life and my heart have been on a treadmill. Exhausted but not getting anywhere. Alecya...I love you. I mean, I hate you because of the pain I've felt ever since you've been gone but I love you so much. I'm sorry to both you adn myself that I didn't live up to your expectations. I hate thatI feel like I have to live through this pain for the rest of my life. And that isn't melodramatic because I have tried a lot to forget you and not have to imapct my life. ..but try as I might I keep coming back to you in my thoughts. I don't like it. I hate it. It makes me feel like whatever I do in my life is pretty much inconsequential because all I do is lament about you. I am sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy. But who else do I have to tell? I can't tell [my girlfriend- name redacted] or [my girlfriend's] friends, I can't really get into it with detail with my friends. Fuck,

Its like [my best friend] is born again and perfect and trying to give me advice about how I feel. [MY BEST FRIEND] is giving ME advice. The most messed up emotionally person in the world is giving me advice. Where does that leave me? Am I really that messed up? Yeah, probably...I very much hope that I can get over this...I don't want to cause you or me any more pain or distress over our relationship...but for now I really don't know what the hell to do. It's been so long and I am still at a loss. Alecya, really, what have you done to me? What have I done to me? I;m so bitter now...I don'tknow how you do it. I don't know how you look forward and fuck everything else. I wish I could do that. I'd give anythign to do that. Instead, I am stuck getting depressed, gaining 30 pounds and dreaming of you...I don't know hwo to fight it anymore. I'd give anything to have you in my arms, hold you while I sleep. I wold do anythign to forget everything about you. However, I am stuck here in a world where everythign I want the most is completely unattainable. And that completely kills my soul. I feel cold and alone and helpless. And I've felt that way for way too long.

I'll try to carry on and make my life without you. What choice do I have? But I won't like it. I'm afraid for the rest of my life, no matter what I do, I will always feel empty. And its stupid because we werent good or right for eachother. But you know what? I don't care. I don't care that things weren't meant to work out. At keast every atom in my body feels like it doesn't care.

I am smart enough to know that I need to move on. And I am trying. Pray for me that I am able to.

Thank you, Alecya Giovanni, for the good times. I am sorry for any worry that I caused for you lately. As far as I know I will always love you...and I hope that you won't ever forget me, at least, in whatever capacity. wish me luck.

So, of course, after this terribly flattering missive, I was really angry. In part, because I know he doesn't mean a word he says. Part of me thinks that he hopes I'll feel guilty about it and...hell if I know...The overly poetic (badly poetic, I might add) language and the trite flattery and self-righteousness sent me over the edge. I fired off a much less kind reply:

That email was teh very picture of the relationship you and I had. You spill emotion all over me, you blame me and you ask me to fix things for you and then you don't even bother listening to me when I respond. You just go ahead and do whatever the hell you feel like doing, spill emotion all over me again and don't have the slightest regard for anything I think or say.

You should be embarrassed. You should be ashamed. I have repeatedly told you to leave me alone. I have repeatedly told you I don't care for you anymore. You refuse to listen. Honestly, I think its rediculous you feel like its okay to stalk a woman who has told you to get out of her life, email her at ungodly hours of the morning and then have THE INCREDIBLE GALL tot ell her not to email you back because you can't stand it.

Grow. Up. BBD. You are a melodramatic, spoiled, selfish little boy. You don't even have the remotest concept of how emotionally fucked up you are if you think you're worse off for me leaving you than for your father dying. I'd tell you to get help, but I told you for two solid years, and in my last email to you, and you obviously aren't listening. You keep thinking that if you tell me you get butterflies when you think about me and and how you're miserable without me and how you wish you could change you'll make things better. I CALL BULLSHIT. If you really cared about me you would have fixed things the three times I threatened to leave before I actually did it. You don't give a fuck about me BBD. You miss having a woman who pays the bills, spoils you rotten, mothers you to death and is pretty to look at. You don't want a wife or a girlfriends. You want a fucking doormat. I learned the hard way. I'm not coming back. Got it? Every time you email me or seek me out itmakes me like you less. You don't give a damn for anyone but yourself.

I moved on because I deserve to be happy. I forget the past because I don't like it. You think I want to remember I could barely keep food in the house and my managers were feeding me because I didn't have enough to eat? You think I want to remember that I lived with someone who would rather live in squalor than help keep the house clean? Why would I think about that? Do you think I sit and reminisce about all the times I was sick and you went out, got toasted and then I had to take care of you before I called my best friend to drive me to the hospital? Yeah, it was great. You manipulating me and controlling me were good times. And the night you decided it was okay to be violent with me ranks as one of the top moments in my life. I only remember those times when I am counting how lucky I am now. I never thought I would say this, but if steve is telling you toleave me the fuck alone, listen to [your best friend]. It is not my fault you are depressed and have put on thirty pounds. If you drink half as much as you used to you are going to put on weight, and you were depressed before I left you, thoughtelling you that was like smacking my head against a wall.

Go away BBD I mean it. I don't love you. I don't care about you. I don't want you in my life.

I wished you luck in my last email. You didn't read it. I'll send you a much more appropriate regard.

See you in hell.

Probably not one of my finer moments, but there you have it. I was angry. The day before my mother had called me and told me he had been text messaging her about how much he missed her. I was annoyed.

On top of that, those of you who are familiar with my old blog (and as I mentioned in the first email) would be aware that he was reading my blog and leaving nasty comments there too. I was tired of dealing with him.

I thought that letter had done the trick. I hadn't heard from him in a while. That is, until last week. When he poked me on FB the day after Christmas. I ignored it. I figured there was no point in starting a war over nothing, although I did make a snide post about it- but then, that's my right, isn't it?

So leaving him alone was apparently not working. He messaged me on new years eve:

Hey... I know I didn't mean that much to you and I believe you when you said the things you have, and don't think they are just trying to get me to move on and forget about you out of compassion. But happy holidays and happy birthday. I guess thats all I have to say. I know you don't think about me in anything but a negative light.... All I do is think about you and wish I could have done better and treated you how you deserved to be treated... Im sorry for all my short comings (to quote Rhett Butler) and I know you deserved better and all I can do is kick myself for not treating you that way. I want you to know that I'm sorry, and I know you wished I'd just go away, but you are the greatest regret in my life and I will never forgive myself for being such a dick to you. I had the world in my hands, I know that, and I let it slip through and I will forever be worse for it. Alecya Giovanni, I have such powerful and mixed feelings for you, and you will always affect me.... I know that any effect I had on you has long since faded away and that kills me. Thanks for letting me part of your life and Im sorry that I wasn't up to the task... You'll always be with me. I love you and I know it isn't mutual but... I wish you luck in everything you do.

Riiiight. At this point, I can only assume he's drunk and suffering from more of the same delusion that he's been suffering from since the day I met him. I mean, part of me does feel really, really sorry for him, because he doesn't have a clue. He actively refuses to move on, and chooses to make things difficult for himself.

I joked with Flyguy when I got that message that he acts as though he lost a supermodel and Nobel Lauriate all in one. Now, I'm egotistical enough to admit I'm a decent looking girl, but then, I'm also realistic enough to know there's plenty of women out there who are as good looking or better as I am. Some even like being treated like crap, so he's even better off there...Of course, as far as I know he's still dating the girl he started seeing the week I left him. Anyway, this was my rather hateful response, having been all out of nice for 2011:

After three years of this, I imagine that no, you really don't believe me when I say the things I say. The last time that I spoke with you it was via an email that you swore you wouldn't read. I'm betting you read it. I'm betting that you know I don't want to speak with you. I'm also betting you don't care.

See, that's the one point yes, you did mean something to me. You were important to me. Important enough that despite my horror of men, I got engaged to you. The problem was, afterwards you turned into a possesive, brooding manipulative jerk. You seemed incapable of thinking of anything but yourself. It wasn't until I got engaged to you that you let your true colors show. Despite what your friends might say, or what you have fooled yourself into believing, I never told you I was anything but what I was. Granted, I was a foolish, hateful, fearful child when I was with you. I was terrified of my life and everything in it, including you. I think that's why I drank so much. Push comes to shove, though, I would have tried for you, had it meant my unhappiness, had you not done the things you did.

And since we're laying blame, yeah, all your friends might point out that I'm a flirt. They might say Icheated on you, that I was a slut. Don't fool yourself BBD. I didn't mess around. I might have kissed that girl that one time. I might have spent a lot of time with Rogue, but you know what? It was no worse than anything you were doing, and I know that for a fact, because people told me at the time what you were up to when you were out alone without me. I don't care. I'm not a I was paying for a lot of your shit at the time, remember, and bartenders, DJ's and waitresses have a way of being good to the money, even when your partner and their friends aren't.

And siince we're on the topic of you and your friends, did it ever occur to you that we have mutual friends? Did it ever occur to you that even after all this time your badmouthing me would get back to me? You're such a child, BBD. Such a fool. I know your friends have all sorts of nasty little nikcnames for me. Personally, "she-who-must-not-be-named" is my favorite, and honestly, though I don't think myself evil, it amused me immensley. Give [your female friend] props for that. And pass on to her I don't give a shit what she thinks about me, since she was wodering. Tell her if she were a good friend she would have not let you get engaged to me, and if she were a better one she would have told you what my first email said last year rather than cushioing the blow for your delicate ego when I told you to get lost. You're an idiot, BBD .You bad mouth me to your friends, you say I'm a liar and a cheater and a slut and that I'm with my beautiful, wonderful wife for all the wrong reasons and then you turn around and tell me you love me and miss me. How stupid do you think I am? And speaking of partners, does your girlsfriend know you email me at least once a year in a drunken fit of regret and tell me how much you still love me?

I'm tired of this. I really am. You're a test to my karma and as hard as I try to be a good person every time you pop up in my life you enrage me to the point of doing something stupid. I have tried being polite. I have tried being mean. Nothing seems to work. I'm going to try again. This time, I'm going to hope you listen. I expect you to reply to this message with the words "I understand" and that's it. When I get that reply, I am going to block you. You atre going to leave me alone and fade into the background like you never existed. I don't want you in my life. If you do not respond, I swear, by everything good and holy, you will be sorry for it. I will take every pathetic begging message you have sent me via email and this last one, since the day we split up, and I will post iit on your facebook wall, your friends facebook walls and anywhere else I can think so you'll be exposed to your friends as the pathetic, grovbelling, refuse to die bastard that you are. And if you block me, believe me, I will make sure that our mutual friends, any of my friends, that can access your and your friends' facebook pages will do it for me. Do you understand?

Leaveme the hell alone. I'm tired of your bullshit. I was three years ago. And for the record, when Rhett Butler says that in Gone with the Wind, HE WAS BEING IRONIC. He didn't mean it. Which is hugely appropriate since you don't either.

Go away. Once and for all. I mean it.

Cruel? Maybe. Direct? Well, you know me. I hate making threats, but they don't seem tomake much a difference anyway...Aparently not convinced I was serious, he also began to send messages to Boy, Perpet's husband. I'm pretty sure he would have messaged Perpet, except she's set up so you can't actually view her profile publicly, for this very purpose. It runs as follows:

Hey dude, I'm drunk and lamenting about my past. I just want you to know that I really liked you guys and valued your friendship, and Ialso understand not being able to be my friend, but I miss you and Perpet's friendship, people I used to connect with. Believe it or not its hard to find people with similar tastes and mental attributes as ours. Just wanted to thank you for treating me well when I was in your lives. Hope to sometime run into you in a positive atmosphere soon bud. Have a good one.

Also I know I will regret this and feel stupid in them orning so feel free not to reply, heh.

Too right. This sent Perpet and the Boy in gales of laughter. Its no secret between us that while we were dating, he didn't like them in the slightest. He always told me that he thought they were pretentious and that they made him feel stupid. Well...apparently the past is tinted rose, because now he thinks they're great. Or in his mind he can somehow work on Boy and Perpet in an effort to get to me. It won't work, I can tell you that. Perpet had to be talked out of sending him a nasty message. Boy is much more calm than we are, he simply ignored it. Probably the right thing to do, really.

I was amused, because Perpet did post on facebook an adorable plea to all of her friends that live in our town to please laugh at him and/or kick him in the junk when they saw him for her. (Because, as obvious in BBD's note, he hasn't realized she lives six hours away now) She noted that she doesn't want his mental attributes, because it almost cost her her mest friend. I smiled with plesure at that. Its nice to have such a good friend at your back. And to her credit, she tried more than once to extricate me from that situation before I was ready to. She did the right thing. I love her for it, all the more because she didn't give up on me.

So in response to this most recent evidence of his lack of respect for my personal space, I sent him one last message telling him to leave me and my friends alone for good. I blocked him, which will keep him off my Facebook at least, and I told him I would file a restraining order against him if he attempted contact with me ever again. I've kept a log of all his messages, phone calls (that was early on, before I changed my number) and when he harasses my friends and family. I won't play nice the next time he tries. And unfortunately, I do think he's stupid enough to try.

See, normally, I would worry that this whole post is a bore to you, my lovely reader, because its not particularly entertaining unless you're a sadist like me. :) However, I do keep track of search terms that lead people to my site, and my traffic sources and such. turns out, the google search "Plastic+Castle+Tours+BBD" is one of my most popular search terms. Especially within the last month. So I assume you lot get a huge kick out of me talking about my ex. That or, well, lets be honest, he's stalking my blog too, which wouldn't suprise me since he no longer has access to my Facebook, my email or my phone number.

Either way, I think I've finally, truly washed my hands of the situation. Kitten is delighted that I've done it, although she swears if she ever runs into him she'll make him cry...she says he's earned it as much as he hurt me. I made her promise to never do anything that I'd have to bail her out of jail for. She doesn't have a criminal record. I'd like to keep it that way.

I know Perpet will also be happy for me. I must confess, we have a good time privately mocking those notes. Ah, well, there's always folly elsewhere. Much more plesant folly too, I might add.

Here's to hoping 2012 will be my first full year without him being a pain in my ass. I know, Swiss, you mentioned I might just ignore him and go on with my life when I mentioned in that last post I made about how facebook suggested him as a friend for me...I hope you don't blame me too much for letting go one last time. I think I'm well shod of it now, and will do my very best to take your incredibly reasonable advice.

Have an excellent day, friends. I promise something a little more interesting and way less dramatic for next time.



  1. ack, who can blame you for sounding off at that kind of provocation? I can hardly advise people to keep quiet and ignore when I know all too well that I'm incapable of doing that myself and can't resist having that dig back (much good that habit has done my career!)

    That said, you have moved on and are well past all this bullshit, so it really, really would be better if you just deleted and ignored. Replying only encourages more of the same (although I do think he has a fucking cheek dropping all that shit on you and then refusing to read your replies. What kind of asshole does that ?)

    And if he is stalking this, well fuck him. If he wants me to come and tell him that personally, then I will!

    You. Have. Moved. On. Think of your own happiness, kiddo. He's the past.


  2. (you slipped through his fingers. Who wouldn't be upset about that, eh?)

  3. Oh god lord I'd forgotten about that first one. I can't even begin to figure out where to start listing what's wrong with it, but that doesn't matter. What matters is he will, hopefully, crawl back into the hole he keeps popping out of and stay there.