Wednesday, February 1, 2012

She's Not Really My Type, But I Think You Two Are Forever

I wanted to post about being in a triad. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Part of it is because my relationship, you might be suprised to know, is still a bit of a mystery to me. Part of it is because a lot of people make assumptions about my lifestyle because I have both a wife and a girlfriend and sometimes it annoys and confuses me. So I thought I would talk a little bit about it, if only to clear my own head and give you a bit more clarity.

I suppose the first thing that comes to mind when I think about our relationship is marriage. More specifically, my marriage. I married Kitten two and a half years ago. We're very happy and we have a strong relationship. I never question that, and sometimes I think other people do. They think we started dating Oscelot because we were lacking something, or we were unhappy. That certainly isn't the case. Some people think that maybe I have a lax attitude about marriage, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love Kitten more than my own life, and my union with her is important to me.

Kitten and I started dating Oscelot because we cared very much for her. We had talked seriously about it before we talked to her, and one of the things we had discussed was how it would affect our life together, our relationship. You might not know it, but Oscelot was our roommate before she started dating us, we had asked her to move in because we knew she was in a bad postition where she was living, she was unhappy and unhealthy. We were worried for her as a friend. The more time we spent with her the more we realized we cared for her, and we had to discuss with each other the impact she was having on our lives. It wasn't something we planned, falling in love with her. Had it happened any other way, had one of us been in love and not the other, we wouldn't have gone through with any kind of relationship. We would have been really careful not to hurt her, or put her in an akward place. Fortunately for all of us, that wasn't the case.

Communication is really important in a relationship like the one I'm in. I talk with Kitten about our feelings, and its important to me that she and I mantain a healthy, happy marriage that has nothing to do with Oscelot. Now, that may sound cold, but the truth of the matter is, Oscelot is young, younger than us, and she may not always want to be in a relationship with us. Its important that we think about our relationship to each other as well as our relationship to her.

Another thing that rather annoys me about the whole marriage issue is a lot of people assume that we're bigamists. We aren't. I remember a few months ago some of the girls talking about a show on TV that has bigamists on it, and how they wouldn't stand for their husbands having another wife, no offense to me. I didn't take offense because I don't think we're like that. I don't have a spiritual reason for having a girlfriend, and I don't think the motivation is the same. Moreover, it rather annoys me that most people assume at some point that Kitten and I will propose to Oscelot and marry her. I want tobe clear, I am already married. You only do that once. Its a lifetime commitment, and in my case, I believe its something that transcends this lifetime. I married Kitten because I want to be with her in every life, and I want my soul to exist with her when there are no more lives to be had.

The reason we haven't, and may or may not, make a binding commitment to Oscelot is because we aren't ready for that. I've known Kitten since I was 18. I know her heart like I know my own. I've only known Oscelot for a few years. That's not enough, if you ask me, to know whether or not someone should be with you for all eternity. More than that, and this is a rather touchy subject because its her business, is that Oscelot, because of her personal issues, has a lot of gowing to do. She has a lot of personality traits that may likely change. A few more years in therapy, growing and getting to know herself, and who knows who she'll be and how she'll feel. I hope we still care for her. I hope she still cares for us. But, as most of us know, people change and sometimes that change is not conducive to the maintenance of a relationship. If there were ever a time where we were to consider that, it would be a huge decision and its something that I (nor Kitten) would take lightly. Now, some might say that a commitment to her wouldn't have to be the same kind I have with Kitten, but I think that's really short sighted and unfair to Oscelot. If I am not willing to offer my partner everything, when I've already offered it to someone else, it doesn't say a lot about my view of them, or of commitment in general. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

I think there are a lot of people out there who think I'm not serious at all about any of my relationships. I had someone (whom I like very much, I might add) suggest in jest that since I am such good pals with Flyguy, maybe I could have him marry Oscelot and we could all four have a very happy life together. My jaw almost hit the floor. I know this person was joking, but in most jokes is a grain of truth and the truth is, I think a lot of people think I just play house. I think they assume that I have no regard for marriage as an institution, and that its a game to me. Certainly not the case, at all. Moreover, the thought of marrying someone I love to a good friend for the benefit of having some sort of happy communal household is almost laughable. I like Flyguy. Hell, I love him. He's a great person. But that doesn't mean I want him to marry my girlfriend, who incidentally (not that it matters) would be a terrible partner for him, not the least because she doesn't like guys.

It baffles the mind. Of course, I've had a reputation in the past at my job of being some sort of super diva in bed. I hear (and this is so not true) that I've slept with a great and many of my coworkers. If you count Rogue, I've actually slept with two, and that's because I worked with Oscelot for about a year. Wait- three- Perpet worked at Casa Beuno, though we weren't sleeping together when she did. Anyway. The thing is, because I like to hug, and hold hands; because I use pet names for the people I like and the people I care about; I've somehow fostered the idea I sleep with all of my friends. Not true. I mean, I'd like to be a badass and all...but its just not in the cards. I mean, the idea that I am so irresistible that all my friends fall into bed with me, and such a cool chick that they stay friends with me even when I'm not sleeping with them, its hilarious to me. I can't see myself that way at all...

Back to the matter at hand, I think a lot of people think that my relationship with Oscelot (and I should note, when I say "I" it almost always means "Kitten and I" save my personal opinions) is based on sex, which couldn't be further from the truth. Its based on mutual regard. Now you can laugh, but I know how long its been since I've slept with her, and I still like her just fine, thank you very much. Truly, I think that's how every relationship ought to be defined, but then, I'm old fashioned that way, aren;t I?

Yeah, I get the idea from the people I talk to that my life is some sort of exotic sexfest and that I'm always looking to add to my harem. Not true, laughable, really. My life at home is much like that of every other person I know who is in a relationship. The difference is I have to communicate more, because I have two people to maintain a relationship with, not just one. A lot of the time, that means more work.

And this relationship is work, trust me. You don't think of the mechanics, but consider:

We have to talk about whether or not we have sex individually, or together or whatever. Because being open and honest with eachother is important. Because no one wants to feel left out, or unloved. Because sometimes you need alone time with one partner or the other. Sometimes that doesn't even involve the bedroom. You have to maintain that sense of respect and regard. While most couples I know go on dates after they move in together or get married, I don't think they do it as often as we do. With three people, the need for alone time, time together and time as a couple is a lot of time to manage. I'll be honest, sometimes its exhausting.

There are a lot of trust issues we have to deal with. I mean, when you're married and you and your partner are seeing someone, the same someone, you have to be clear with eachother. You have to be clear with your partner. There's a lot of work that goes into keeping everyone on the same footing.

Financially, you have to think about three people's bills, their needs, how much money they make. There's times where I feel frustrated because I don't make as much money as the girls, and I try to find other ways to contrubute. The same with around the house...who always does laundry, or cleans for feeds the cats? Who feels liek a maid and who doesn't? Who needs time to themselves because the week has been rough and a little alone time is what they need.

Friend wise, you have to think about our personalities. We're all different people. We have different friends. Fortunately, there's a lot of crossover. We have mutual friends, people we all like to hang out with. But there are people I might like to talk to that Osclot might not like. Or maybe Kitten has a pal we just don't jive with, because our interests aren't similar. Arranging time with all of our friends has its challenges as well.

Despite the challenges, there is a lot of reward in our relationship. When I'm sick, or tired or need help, I've got two great women there to help me. When one of us needs some alone time, there's always someone else to be near and cuddle. When times get rought, having two people there to help you out is nice. Of course, I shouldn't need to add, loving each other is the best part, and I feel lucky I've earned the love of two wonderful people.

I don't know that I've completely covered the topic, I'm sure there's more I'll think of, and chances are, I'll post about this again, but I'm all sorts of talked out on this one. I'd be interested to hear what you think, to hear your questions about my life, because I know its not what most people traditionally do. I'll answer them as honestly as I can, and hopefully I can clear up this nasty idea people have that I don't have any regard for my marriage, or that I take relationships lightly.


1 comment:

  1. If people don't understand the dynamics of a supposedly simple relationship between two people then they are going to be really confused with a triad or any other variation on a 'traditional' family.
    If anything people probably don't know how much behind the scenes work you ladies do to make life sweet.
    Generally speaking I think people are so possessive that they wouldn't want to share a partner with someone else; therefore not willing to consider it possible with anyone else.
    I personally don't think it's anyone's business anyway. And I would find it rude for people to criticize a situation they are not familiar with.
    My two cents, love ya ladies! -CL