Thursday, February 19, 2015

It hurts to be the one that you'd regret....

So Rouge just got in touch with me for the first time in....years?

I think its beautiful the pain we (people in general, not Rogue and I specifically) cause ourselves and each other sometimes. Its almost funny.

I was trying to describe Rogue to a friend today (lets name her...oh, I don't know, WIP) and it was almost impossible. In the context of my day, I'd had a low self-esteem morning. I've got another person on my mind, someone I love very much, and I'm rather afraid...well, lets just say that Rogue popping up out of the blue was timely in a way that felt like both a kick in the pants and a gift from the universe.

How do you describe someone who was a lover but who wasn't? How do you describe a person who has almost nothing to do with your life but shaped it profoundly? I couldn't even come up with the words to properly express how very much we managed to hurt each other and how much she means to me regardless. How do you express love and ineffable pain in the same breath? How do you describe a relationship with a person who at once was the easiest person to communicate with but at the same time you lost your intimacy because you couldn't say what needed to be said?

It brings me to today, and to my life and it makes me wonder how much we ever really change. The conversation I had yesterday put a little of that into context for me, and I spent a late night thinking about who I am, what I want and how much I love and need the people in my life. I thought about what I do to myself without really thinking about it. I thought about how I always manage to make so much progress and then none at all.

Maybe this is all a result of my terrible self-esteem. Maybe my fears are creeping back in on me, and I shouldn't let them. But after Rogue, and then Fluguy (who left on his own, do be free of himself, which I applaud) I find myself in the position again of having someone else, a good friend, in my life whom I love...very much. In a way that I find almost inexpressible without sounding foolish...and I wonder if I will, once again, forget to ask for what I need, or forget to speak when I should, or (lord save me) want to feel and be too much, more than I can be, because I think sometimes I need to feel and be everything to the people I love and I...

I just can't?

I don't know. I'm not terribly articulate today. My words are failing me.


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