There Isn't a Song Lyric To Express how Crazy and Wonderful My Family Is

Family seems to be that secret that we hold really close to the chest as adults. You never really think about it, but all those holidays together are something you may reminisce about but aren't necessarily something you share.

As you get older, that part of yourself is something that reserved for you, maybe your significant other (if they tolerate family gatherings and you still go to them) but by and large you never sit down with your friends and share about your family. Its a shame, really, because I think our families really influence who we are as as adults and its impossible to escape that influence. Sometimes I don't think we even really register the magnitude of how they influence our worldview.

I've been thinking more about this recently. Part of this reflection was brought on by an envelope of photos I brought home from my grandmothers to show Kitten- many of them were from when I was a little girl. Another contributor was our recent viewing (mine, twice) of August: Osage County. During the film Kitten leaned over to me and whispered "This is like watching a documentary of your family." I was also reflecting on how our family changes how people view us while talking to one of my coworkers today. I had been telling her about Sakura's first holiday with my family and his reaction to them. She was dying laughing. Personally, before Sakura's visit to my family Christmas I knew we were a little different from some families but it never occurred to me how much until then. That was also about the time that I realized how different I am from most of my family members in personality as well. I always knew I was one of the odd ducks in the family (maybe even to some extent the black sheep for a few years) but their cohesiveness was a shock when I honestly started to reflect on it.

To understand how different my family is I think you have to look at how unique we are to start with. My family is pretty large, by most family standards. (That picture, by the way, is my cousin Red, my brother Punk and me, respectively, being held by my grandmother sometimes in the early 80's. My guess would be '86 or so, if I had to wager) My mom has five sisters, all of them with the exception of my Aunt Dancer had at least two children. My grandmother has several sisters as well. Her youngest is within a year of my mom's age. Her son JD and daughter JJ, whom I call my cousins, are actually my first cousin once removed and JJ now has a daughter (my second cousin Iris, who is tiny and adorable). To my best knowledge my grandma has three living sisters- this may be inaccurate since I don't have a super firm grasp on my family history (don't judge me my family is HUGE). I additionally have family members that could be called in Southern terminology "kissing cousins" (that means they don't have direct blood relations to me but I consider them to be part of my family anyway- e.g. my Aunt's stepson is a kissing cousin). And don't buy in to all that Yankee hooey about how that's just a family member who is close enough to exchange a kiss in formal greeting- my family is southern and we're going to use those rules. Plus we'll get to the whole kissing thing in a little because my family KISSES and that's another animal entirely. So I have this nice, big family and we, for most of my childhood, piled into my great-grandmother or my grandmother's house every year for holidays (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, sometimes for no good reason at all) so we could spend time together. I also come from a really unique place in that for a few years of my life I shared a bedroom with one of my younger aunts when we lived in my grandmother's house. I look at my aunts more like sisters, which confuses things a little more, I suppose. I find myself often in a strange position- inhabiting a no man's land where I am not part of the older generation (though I am equally close to some of my aunts in age as I am my cousins) and I am old enough that I remember the births of and even babysitting as a teenager some of my cousins who are technically in "my generation" of the family.

Suffice to say, my family is all up in each other's space, all the time, no question. Once my mom remarried I never lived more than three blocks from my grandparents- in the same neighborhood always. I spent a significant part of my childhood in my grandparents home even after we moved out. My Aunt Dancer for a while lived up the street from my grandparents and it wasn't until a few years ago when my Aunt Priestess moved away with her husband and daughters (Lovey and Cowgirl) to Oklahoma that any of us lived more than a fifteen or twenty minute drive across-town from each other- excepting, of course, when my Aunt Buddy went to college in Kansas. Even stranger, for a lot of people, I've known most of my uncles who married into my family for a long time as well. Priestess married her high school sweetheart (they just celebrated their 25th anniversary) and Buddy and her husband met while she was in college and I was still in grade school when they married. There's never been a time in my life when my family- even the extended part- were beyond a day's drive. We're an up close, in your face, tell me all about it honey kind of family.

That in and of itself makes us a rarity, even in the Midwest where larger families are common.  But it wasn't until recently that the culture of my family, which is distinctly Southern, was something I was terribly aware of.  Sakura says it was a surprise when he met them two years ago (I was sick with a migraine and drugged out of my mind as a result, Kitten was at work and I needed a way to get to the Christmas party so Sakura did me a solid and came to get me) because he thought they would be like me. To wit "I was expecting a reserved, proper, northeastern, Huxtable kind of family. I walked into The Clampett Family Christmas." My mom was hugely offended when I laughingly told her about this- though I took no offense at all. Sakura was simply trying to express the shock he felt when he realized that one of his best friends (a relatively quiet, introverted, polished person- yes, me) came from a loud family full of kisses, cuddles and let me get you a sweet tea and fix you a plate honey. There's nothing wrong with it- but if you're not expecting it, its a shock, I'm sure.

And nothing is more surprising than walking into a room (we rent a community room now- we're too big for anyone's house) full of people shouting good naturedly, elbowing each other in the food line and chasing down toddlers when you're expecting a nice polite clam bake. We eat, too, make no mistake. I didn't know until recently that its odd to have more than one turkey at Christmas. I didn't know its not normal to have to empty out bedrooms so there's room to set up card tables because the main table (a 12 seater, mind you) is full, the long card tables set all along the dining room wall are full and there's no more room on the stove, the kitchen counters or the two dessert carts my grandparents dug out to stick all the cookies, pies and cakes on in the pantry were all full. Now that we have a community room its not odd for my aunts to carry in three or four crockpots and chafing dishes to go with all the cold food and dips and vegetables and whatnot. My cousins even cook. No kidding- Aunt Buddy's youngest  Colorgirl made a soup last family gathering that was so good I wanted to cry and she's in her second year of high school. Even my boy cousin's cook. And if you bring a date- if they're going to fit in chances are they'll cook too. JJ's husband makes prime rib to die for and my cousin Mustang brought his girlfriend to Christmas (her second family gathering) and she didn't have to be told to bake cookies. She just did. They were delicious by the way.

So I'm sure Sakura was taken aback- in part by all the food and in part by the determination of my family to feed him. I may have been to sick too eat (and that was debatable since I had thrown up from the dizziness and had "plenty of room in my stomach") but by god Sakura was not. And no kidding they drug him to the table and fed him and fed him and kept his drink full. Nevermind he had eaten before he came. He wasn't just my ride. In my family its unspoken but true- if you're willing to bring someone to meet them then they are family too, like it or not. Sakura was family and when we get together we eat. No ifs ands or buts about it. Truthfully, I laughed my ass off this year when several of my family members were horrified that I had not told him when the party was because of course he was going to come- he came last year didn't he? They were even dismayed that Oscelot (by then my ex) and her lovely girlfriend Bobcat didn't come because Oscelot is family and that Bobcat sounds like a nice girl and when do we get to meet them? Truthfully I think my family will love Bobcat- she cooks on caliber with my family's best and that's saying something.

On top of that my family is by nature loud. They are affectionate. Oh yes, the kissing. You know, my younger cousins don't do this so much, it might be a generational thing, but growing up everyone kissed. I mean, I'll get a peck on the cheek from my cousins I'm close to and everyone hugs- like full body crack your spine hugs- but I mean my family kisses hello and goodbye. On the mouth. All the time. Think nothing of it. It never occurred to me until way later in my life (I had an ex point it out, maybe ExBeloved) that I realized that this is not how a lot of families interacted.  My aunts and my grandparents and any of the older generation still do it and I do when I'm with them and I don't feel weird or ashamed about it. I know some people have implied that its unhealthy. But it never bothered me. It might also explain why I have such a small personal space when it comes to my friends. I grew up in a house with two bathrooms and sometimes up to six women. Personal space didn't exist. My aunt went into labor on the same night as my mom's first date with her second husband- while he was picking her up (Lovey, if you're reading, it was you...). My family kisses on the mouth and swats on the ass and pinches with their toes and why in heaven's name would I have a personal space when I grew up expecting that if you're with people you love you pile on top of them and give them hell?

The Easter Lovey was four or five my uncles dumped a kiddie pool of water on my aunts and chased them around the yard while Lovey chased me around the yard in her powerwheel. As close as we are now she would probably be horrified to know my clumsy ass fell and she ran over me with that damn thing. But she did. (Swear, Lovey, I don't hold a grudge. Its funny now.)

My family is privy to some of my most private moments. Some of my most embarrassing. Some of the most moving. It was my family that was there to pick spiders out of my hair when I ran afoul of an opus in my Grandma's yard (hence my severe arachnophobia for nearly two decades). It was my aunts that took me away from the horrible scene they were making the year my parents split up- Christmas, mind you- and my father came to the party to try and take us from our mom. It was my aunts who fought for me. My grandfather and my uncles who protected me. My grandparents who gave us somewhere to go. When I became a dancer at a downtown club when I was 18 I had family show up (like it was a dance recital or a school exhibition!) on my first night. My grandmother bought me my first pair of pasties and my first pair of leather boots. It is my family who helped me through my coming out process. My family came for all my karaoke contests. They showed up and ate when I was having a sales contest at work. I have worked as a coworker with three different generations of my family now- and it wasn't that bad, really. It was my family who helped me when I hit bottom, twice, and had nowhere to go and no way out from my mistakes.

Its the absolutely insane level of nosiness that spurs my family to offer dating advice on women. Its what makes them call me to make sure I know that we're always welcome, damn the conservatives and what they say (neveryoumind that some of them are conservative too!). Its my family who pushes me to be my best, who call with good natured nagging when I'm not getting along with someone else (a rarity more and more, thank god). It is my beautiful family who watched my romance with Kitten develop and who felt no compunction stalking her through Walmart when she was shopping before coming home to me even though they'd never met her, debating with each other whether or not they should introduce themselves.

And my family's kinks, quirks, oddities, secrets, histories, dramas and fights that make me so understanding of the troubles of others. It is what has given me the little compassion and empathy I possess and it is their level of unconditional love that I one day aspire to have. It is my family that reminds me that I am human. It is my family that reminds me that I need forgiveness as much as they do sometimes. But if ever there is a time when I need a second chance, forgiveness, help or acceptance I know I can get it from them. And it is that certainty that makes me want to share them with the people I love despite those links, quirks, oddities and dramas. Because after years of wondering where the hell I fit in with them I've come to realize that I am my family to my friends.

That's the one thing you can count on from me. I'm going to cheer for you. Loan you what money I can. Clean your house when you break your leg, bring you soup when no one else will because you have bird flu. I'm the person they'll come to when they need to bitch about work, or a friend. When time comes for a life changing decision, I know my friends are going to use me as a sounding board. If no one understands or they need a cry, a couch to crash on, or they need a dinner because the paycheck is three days away and they can't take one more bologna sandwich or packet of ramen; its my house you come to. I'm proud of that. I'm delighted that after all these years of wondering if I was ever going to be able to truly cope with my family and fit in I've discovered that they are a significant part of who I am, and have been all my life. I'd just never noticed.

Its Been A Long Long Time

So I have been a very bad blogger and not posted for something like two months. I know, I know. Someone I love very much brought it to my attention this week, inadvertently, that my blogging has dropped off, and I think to myself "I should get back to that, even though there's only like, four people reading this. Because, you know, there's four people out there who care about my life. And its healthy for me to express myself."

I have two bits of good news and two bits of not so good news, so we'll cover the happy stuff first so you can bail if you want later.

Good news part one? Kitten graduated. I mentioned this before, I think. She graduated with honors. Her party went well. Everyone was nice to each other (there was some concern about that) and she had a good time. She has a new job in her career field as of last week. It pays much better than her old job, the people are nice, and its not in residential cooling, which was what she was terrified she would end up doing. She did not want to be a lackey for all the window units in this corner of our state. She isn't, and that's awesome. They're going to train her into other fields. They're going to pay for extra education. They're paying 100% of her health insurance. She loves the work already. I'l so terribly proud of her.

The other good news is that as of the day after I posted the blog previous to this one (That is, the 26 May) I have been smoke free. None, nada, zilch, no slip ups or stress smokes or I'm-trying-really-hard-so-I've-earned-ones, not even a its-giving-me-a-migraine one. NO. SMOKING. I'm pretty proud of myself. I was doing between half a pack and a whole pack a day depending, so quitting cold turkey was hard. I am pretty sure I wasn't fun to be around. It may or may not have contributed to the incident that has, in-part, kept me from blogging for the last month.
Which was this

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The vacation.

That's right. It was horrible. I'm pretty sure the smiling happened only for the camera. Well, most of the time, anyway.

For the record, I'm giving you the edited for public consumption version of this tale, because I have some semblance of respect (not a lot, but a little) for my family.

I do think that me not smoking contributed to this awful. Kitten actually begged me three days in to smoke, telling me it would be okay and I could start over when we got back to town, but by then I was three days in and I was damn well not going to give up if I didn't have to. The lack of cigarette, for the first week or so anyway, would be enough to make most people be grumpy.

The other part had a lot to do with KMom. Suffice to say our styles of travelling are different. That was a struggle for me. I'm a "lets have a plan and get directions and go do things like we planned" kind of girl. She's more of a "throw caution to the wind, work without a plan, get directions while on the street (even from bums!)" kind of girl. She's also very set in her ways, because she's lived alone for something like 12 years, she isn't used to compromising. In our household its almost all about compromising so I struggle when someone, anyone, is contrary about working as a team. Even in my coven everyone works as a team and we all make decisions based on consensus, which makes it easy for things to get done and everyone to feel like they're important. Not so with KMom. That was a problem for me. A big one.

When it came to the camping aspect it got worse. Really bad, actually. Again, that has a lot to do with me believing that camping is an act of teamwork and KMom isn't really a team player. Not to mention, despite her protestations to the contrary, she's a sissy camper. She is WAY to concerned with comfort. And she didn't like to help carry things. Or work. At all. Which naturally pissed me off. Especially when she's insisting we repack the truck (again) because she doesn't like how things are arranged (even if we are unpacking it all again in three hours). Or when we were getting ready to leave and I'm sick with a headache so bad I'm stepping off the trail to throw up while I haul coolers and bags and she stops with holding only a pillow and complains to me about how long the trail to the car is and how hot and uncomfortable she feels. Or when she's telling me that I'm making dinner wrong (How, I ask? How?) or not to her tastes. She was cranky or combative whenever we went hiking or did anything strenuous, but insisted on coming along. If it rained she would hide out in her tent. And it rained. It did. Like, a tropical storm hit one of our campsites....that was a real treat.

Here's us camping, by the way- well, k\hiking a trail at our campsite. This was our first site, at Hunting Island State Park.

She also wouldn't stop making fun of my newly discovered phobia of raccoons. It was constant. And it pissed me off.

I know its petty, but seriously. I wasn't afraid of them before. I wasn't. Its just, you know, they were everywhere. And not afraid of anything. Like, there were bear boxes for yours stuff to keep them out. Oh, and I should mention THEY WERE THE SIZE OF AN AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD. And they broke into our tent. Twice. Once was at night and it tore through the closet on our tent. Not cool. Of course I was afraid. I think this is reasonable. Especially since I was fighting off nicotine cravings and getting next to no sleep between them and the headaches I was having from what turned out to be a tropical storm depression.

Imagine this:

The size of this:

Of course it made me nervous.

There were other things that upset me too, but really, I don't think anyone would like KMom if I talked about it. And honestly, I don't want you all hating her. She's a nice lady, most of the time. She's just set in her ways, and she's still a little skittish about her relationship with Kitten and that makes her a little possessive sometimes.

There were some good parts of the trip, really. Like, you know. The food. I wept over some of the food. I love soul food. I love fried chicken and home made mashed potatoes. I love locally sourced vegetables and fruit. I like veal so fresh that it was just days from gamboling about in some farmer's field. That's good food. The whole trip was like that too- locally sourced ingredients, fresh made honey, hand made desserts. When we were eating out I was not an unhappy person. I was very happy indeed. Even the delis (and god, we had so many sandwiches at lunch because KMom doesn't like heavy food in the afternoon) were really, really good. Fresh bread, hand-sliced meats, local sauces and pickles and such. Yep, the food was amazing.

We went to a zoo. That was fun. We took a ghost tour- actually, we took two. That was amazing. I played in the ocean with Oscelot. We collected seashells at low tide. I managed to impress my ladies with my ability to cook anything in cast-iron- my meals were like we never left home thankyouverymuch. I saw my first lighthouse up close (not impressive) and drove through the Great Smokey Mountains (really impressive). I managed to whittle a new walking staff for myself. Yes, I do whittle. We saw some amazing waterfalls. We hiked in the rain (so that was both fun and awful).

It wasn't all bad. Just most of it. I'm making the best of the memories now that we're here, because I want it to be something Kitten remembers fondly. Hell, a few years from now some of this may seem funny. Maybe.

The other thing that's really kept me off the blog is I've been coping with depression again. Almost from the moment we got home I've been struggling. Some of it, I know, has to do with inadequacy issues brought on by the things that happened on the trip that I don't want to talk about. Some of it, I think, is just old issues reasserting themselves now that they have the chance. I spent the first couple of weeks back sitting in Kitten's recliner alternately weeping and moping.

I;m better now, and I've got my issues sorted out. It was not, however, conducive to me being here and sharing things with you. I credit my speedy recovery to (1) my partners, who totally didn't judge me (2) my coven, who spent plenty of time patting me on the back and letting me be totally weak even though I'm supposed to be leading (3) plenty of B vitamins and an iron supplement and (4) one conversation with one very special person that I hadn't talked to in a while. Talking to him reminded me I've been through worse and I'm tougher than I was letting myself be. It was the linchpin in my recovery.

Now that I'm back and feeling normal again, I'm going to make an effort to actually be a good blogger and put things up more than once a month or so. Maybe I'll even go back to that old blog-every-day habit I had five or six years ago....

I love you all. I want you to know that.

Its good to be home.

AGxx

Through The Years We All Will Be Together

Yesterday I woke up with a raging headache. I cannot tell you how much of an inconvenience it was. Normally I would have done what I did first off, and that was call Sakura to see if he could come and sit with me, because I hate being alone when I am throwing up and so dizzy I am terrified I might pass out at any given moment. Normally, I would have done that and rested with him, knowing I was safe, until the headache passed. Normally.

But yesterday was my family Christmas party. That may not seem like a huge deal, but I had decided to go for the first time since Kitten and I got together. We went that first Christmas and then never again. It wasn't that I don't like Christmas with my family. I mean, okay, its always a little...different, with my family- but I always went before now. And Kitten wasn't the reason I wasn't going. It was personal, and I felt like it would be better for me not to be there. This year is different. Circumstances in my life have changes and made it to where I wanted to go, at least in some small measure. I'm on much better terms with my family than I was before, and there are a lot of other things going on in my families lives that make me want to be there.

I'm unsure if I've mentioned it here already, but last week my grandmother was in the hospital. They thought she was having a heart attack. She wasn't, thank god, and she was up and moving around much faster than I would have expected. This, however, put me in the mind of two things yesterday morning. The first was that I need to appreciate every moment I have with my family, because I am not guaranteed anything. The other was that if my grandmother had been in the hospital and was still going to family Christmas, then by god,- so was I.

So I spent a few hours struggling with nausea and my pain, patiently laying on the couch with Sakura, letting him feed me spoonfuls of anti-nausea liquid and sipping at tepid water. He helped me to struggle into a skirt and a long sleeved shirt and we headed off to the party. When we got there my family had already arrived, for the most part. My mom was at the store picking up last minute provisions and my brother came in shortly behind me. It was...overwhelming. At first because I always forget how huge my family is. I mean, we rent a community room because there is no house big enough to hold all of us. There were about 40 there, and I know we were missing a few people. The other thing was...well, my brother.

It was the first time I had seen him since the winter Kitten and I got together. Three years. He's changed. A lot. Appearance wise, he's taller if that's possible, or I forgot how tall he really is. He also wears much nicer clothing than he used to. His extremely long hair is gone (really long, like longer than mine) and he doesn't wear a beard anymore. And he was sober. Sober and clean. I haven't seen him that way since the both of us were in high school. Like a girl, I cried. It was embarrassing. He looked at me, hugged me, and then asked me why I was crying. I told him I wasn't, and he laughed at me and hugged me again. Then he told me he loved me. For the first time in a very long time, I believed him.

Of course, the happy reunion was cut short by me dashing down the hall. First, I needed to throw up. Too much emotion plus a migraine equals sickness. Then I wanted a moment to pull myself together. No such luck. My cousins and my grandmother and Sakura were all hot on my heels. Ah, the joy of family. Once I convinced them that yes, I was fine, they let me have a moment.

I spent most of the first hour sitting along the wall watching my family eat. Honestly, I wasn't very hungry because I was still feeling a little woozy, so I was happy just watching. Sakura and I chatted. I got a huge kick out of him telling me he was surprised that my family was so southern. Like, bless your heart, deep-south southern. Its true. I had never really thought about it before. But seeing my family, all of whom came by to encourage me to eat (because obviously Sakura wasn't going to eat if I didn't and we can't have a guest unfed!) bustling around the room and spending time together, it became very apparent that yes, my family might as well be somewhere in Georgia for how southern we are. And it was funny, too, to watch them try and get me to eat because they were worried about poor Sakura wasting away. It made me giggle, too, because I don't look too much like the rest of my family and my personality is very different from theirs. Sakura says he assumed my family would be more like a group of people from the eastern seaboard. That made me smile.

I was glad to see my cousins, whom I never see enough of. Lovey and her little sister Spurs were up from Oklahoma. I love seeing them. I got a kick out of Spurs, because she is such a little cowgirl, and I would never have guessed her for one when she was little. Now she's all grown up and sometimes I get a little misty eyes thinking of the two of them when they weren't so big. Now instead of talking about our favorite Disney movies or where we want to go on spring break we're talking about our significant others and our first experiences at strip clubs. Ah, growing up. I'm going to do my best to have them up to see me sometime this spring. I'm definitely going to visit them. I love Oklahoma. Plus any chance I get to see them is a holiday.

My younger cousins were there too, and by younger I mean, you know, in high school. (when did I get so old???) It was kind of funny to see them sitting at the table playing some sort of racing game on their smart phones. I remember when I was a kid we would sneak into the back room and play Nintendo when no one was watching. It brought back memories. All of my older relatives don't seem so old now. In fact, I was remarking it to Sakura, some of them are closer to me in age than my cousins. Its strange.

I was really happy when Kitten and Oscelot got there. They got off of work early so they could make it. I was able to introduce them to my whole family for the first time. I was thrilled. Everyone was so kind to them, and so loving. My great-aunt pulled me aside to tell me how wonderful she thought they were, and how she was glad to see I had found people who really, truly loved me. She said I had picked two women with very tender hearts and she was proud of me. It made me want to run out of the room crying again. I got a kick out of Oscelot telling me how huge my brother was. She's super short, so he looks like a giant next to her. It was hilarious. We got to take some pictures with the family, and that was nice. I can't wait for everyone to upload all of their pics so I can save them on my computer. I need a family album.

Anyway, it was a really nice time. I managed to sit down and eat some potatoes. My mom called me this morning and was horrified that's all I had eaten. She's bringing me over leftovers today I think. I got to watch my family interact with my chosen family. It was really, really nice. I feel better about this holiday than I have about any holiday I've had with my family since I was a child.

I hope that all of you are able to find something special this holiday.

AGxx

PS- I'm adding some photos below, because I can. Ignore the fact that I look awful- I was sick, after all.

Here's me and Kitten and Oscelot. Nothing like a smiling family to make the holidays brighter, right? In the background you'll notice my two gargantuan cousins messing around.

Here's me and my mom and Punk. First picture like this in years. I'd like to add that last night my mom texted me to tell me thank you for coming. She said having me, Punk, the girls and Sakura there made it feel like Christmas for her, because she was with her family. 






This is my three female cousins. From left to right: Spurs, Colorgirl and Lovey. They are just the darn cutest things. I'd like to mention, Lovey and Spurs are my height. Colorgirl is just super tall. Super, super tall.

I Going Home, To The Place Where I Belong

Today was my second to last day at Casa Bueno. It passed with what I can only call a feeling of ambivalence. Today was my last shift with Shorty and Flyguy. It was my last shift with my favorite cook. It was the last time I will ever arrive forty-five minutes early to work so I can make sure the salt and pepper shakers are filled before the store opens. Its the last time I'll pick up a dozen doughnuts for the Saturday morning crew. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited.

Actually, I'm really not. I'm not excited. I'm not sorry, but there isn't a sense of elation either. I think part of it is that I'm not feeling the loss of the job yet. I mean, yes, I did say goodbye to Shorty and Flyguy as a coworker today. But I know, for certain, there will be many more moments of my life to share with them. I don't feel like I am losing them. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm losing much at all. Oscelot will still be working there, which means at least twice a week I'm going to be headed up there to drop her off and pick her up from work. I'll still see all my coworkers. I really like the food, so there's no doubt in my mind I'll still go there to eat. It will be the first restaurant that I've waitressed at that I will go back and eat the food.

I think the other reason I am not terribly excited is the prospect of unemployment looming ahead of me. Thursday night when Sakura was over I had him do a tarot reading for me. As he suggested, I asked only, what is it that I most need to know? The answer was clear and very straightforward. And I should have seen it coming. It told me that I need this break. And that I am so concerned with my past issues that I am terrified of what it coming. And it's true.

See, since I was fifteen I've had a job. I've never been unemployed for more than a couple months, and even then I was actively looking for a job. This time, I'm not. I'll be at home. I'll clean, I'll cook, I'll write. But I will not be out making money and contributing to the household I live in. For various reasons, this is very scary for me. I feel like I won't be earning my keep. As Sakura put it, I feel bereft. I feel empty, like I have somehow lost part of my worth. Despite the fact that I am constantly being told otherwise by my family, I feel like this is true. Like I am somehow less valuable than I was two weeks ago.

Sakura says this is a good thing for me, this break. He says he was concerned for my health. He said there was no doubt in his mind that I was putting my health, even my life, in danger with the amount of stress I was putting on myself combined with the physicality of my job. I don't know when to say when. I don't know when to stop. Its unhealthy. He says he's relieved I am taking time to look after myself. I can't see what's coming down the road, and I have to stop worrying about it.

I know he's right. There's no way of telling what lies ahead for me. I suppose that's part of my problem. I've spent my whole life working and I've relied on my psychic sense to give me warning if something new or worrisome was on the horizon. I've never just rested and relied on someone else to take care of me. I don't like it. But I'm going to have to live with it. I suppose that I can take to heart what Tiger has been telling me, which is I need to get back to writing and try to get published. I'm a good writer, and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to make money at it. I hope she's right. But in the mean time, I am being warned I need to write for myself, and with no pressure on me to succeed, because that's when I do the best work.

So, tomorrow, my last day, I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out. There have been a lot of things happen to me since I came to Casa Bueno. I split up with BBD. I had my pseudo affair with Rogue. I ran back into my Kitten, remembered the strength that love can have and married her. I met Oscelot. She moved in with us. We started dating her. I sobered up. I met Spice (who trained me, by the way) and made friends with a wonderful woman who reminds me that intelligence and beauty are valuable qualities. I met Shorty, who reminded me that there is always a reason for our past, because it gives us the strength to love and share with new people in our lives. She taught me that first impressions aren't always right, and that given the opportunity, you can find deep friendship with a person who at first seems like they are not a kindred spirit at all. I reconnected with Sakura and found that I have a deep sense of spirituality in me, and that there are people in this world who can love you for who you are and who are willing to go to any length to help you be safe and happy. I became friends with Adidas, who shows me every day that there is more to beauty than just looks, no matter how beautiful you are (and she is). That tenderness and compassion are sometimes hidden until you look for them, and that youth does not mean ignorance, and innocence doesn't mean naivete. And I met Flyguy, who is, without a doubt, one of the most special, wonderful people I have ever known. From him I have learned that there are people who will keep your secrets no matter what. I have learned trust. I have learned that there are, yes, heterosexual men out there who can love me, find me beautiful and accept my love and affection without expecting anything from me. (Swiss, I beg pardon, I mean of course, men whom I see in person.) I have learned real friendship. He is, to me, the best man I have ever known outside of my Grandfather, which is the highest compliment I can pay him.

Through all of this I have learned so much about myself. I've learned just how far I can push myself. I've learned how far I am willing to let someone to push me. I have learned to control my colossal anger. I have learned that I have more compassion than I thought myself capable of. I have learned that I am able to learn to respect people I thought I despised. I have leaned that I am not as shy as I used to be. I learned I am able to smooth over tense situations, and that I am as good as peacemaking as I am at stirring up trouble. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, I've learned to listen. I have learned to bide my time. My faith in the goodness of people has both been shaken, and also confirmed in ways I thought impossible.

I am not leaving bereft, not totally. I cannot look at the gifts I have received and be ungrateful for them. I cannot look at the love and friendship I have been given and wish I had spent my time better. I told Flyguy today that I am happy I worked at Casa Bueno long enough to have met him. I know fate would have found a way to bring him to me, but I am glad that in this case, I didn't have to wait, didn't have to wonder. I am blessed.

This will be, I think, the last time I ever work in food service. My mom tells me to never say never, but I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep it that way. I may be good at it, but truthfully, my temperament have never been suited to it. I'm taking what I can, and I will use what I have learned to make me a better person.

I'm not sure how I feel, really. Nostalgic, yes. Scared, of course. I am anticipating the coming months. I am unsure of who I am now, and who I may become. I suppose I should be excited about that. There's something beautiful about the wild unknown, right? We'll see. I'm still unsure. But then, I feel so sure about so many things, maybe this is just a new lesson for me to learn.

Oh- and in the process of telling some of my regular customers goodbye, I've found there are actually some of them who like me for who I am and not my waitressing abilities. I actually swapped email and phone numbers with Hot Doctor, whom  I have long wanted to. I figured now was the time to ask, since there was as little risk involved as possible. If I was gone, she wouldn't have to avoid the store because she said no, she didn't want to meet me socially. Fortunately, she is as nice a person as I thought, and she actually wants to attempt a friendship. We'll see. As I told her, she's a little older than me, and a doctor, and I am after all, a 30 year old waitress. There's a bit of a difference between us. Hopefully I'm right, and the mind I've always loved myself for is there, and its something I can still find value in. Something that can win me friends and respect, despite the fact that I have no personal accomplishments to speak of.

I'm signing off. I've written my emotions out, I think. I'll part with these thoughts. Thank you, to you readers, who have been there for me, supporting me in this and all of my wild decisions. I need it, and you never let me down. Also, if you haven't, click my link toSwisslet. He's running a half-marathon tomorrow and he's raising money for cancer research. He's a great guy and its a great cause. Go donate, if you can. (Good luck Swiss, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and wishing you all the best!)

I love you all.
AGxx

You Have A Drumstick and your Brain Starts Tickin'

I was scrolling through facebook earlier and saw one of my cousins had posted a picture of President Obama on her facebook wall with the following quote: "You may be a liberal if you hold your fast food restaurants to a higher moral standard than your president."

Really?

First, I'd like to say, I'm already sick of this whole Chick-Fil-A debacle/scandal/whatever. I am. You know what? The conservatives are right- they have every right to give money to whomever they want. And the Liberals are right- we have a right not to give them business as a way of protesting that. Hell there's even groups out there saying lets all go and be gay (gay, but appropriate) at Chick-fil-A once a month as a peaceful way of protesting their beliefs. Everyone is within their rights to say and do these things. Let's agree to disagree.

BUT

I do not agree with active descrimination against anyone for any reason. I am especially opposed to the oppression of homosexuals since I am one. In case I haven't mentioned it, to all my readers- I am a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I was born that way. It is not my choice. But I'll tell you something, if I had a choice, I would still choose the wonderful woman whom I married. I would. I couldn't have made a better choice. And we have been married for nearly three years now and we are very happy. I digress. Discrimination is bad. Violence against people who believe things differently from you? Bad. Killing and actively promoting the killing of people simply because their beliefs are not yours? Very, Very Bad.

In case you're interested, this was my response:

Or you may be a liberal if you feel like people are allowed to make their own choices but your choice involves not financially supporting a company that actively promotes discrimination and violence against you. I'm not normally snarky on facebook- you're allowed your own opinions, but remember this: every time you eat at Chick-fil-a you are supporting a company that donates money to organizations who want to see me beaten, killed and actively denied civil rights. You're my family, and I love you, but if you think that's okay, I'd rather you unfriend me. Because regardless of your personal choices, I would never say it was okay for someone to do those things to you.

 

Direct, to the point, and me not being as angry as I felt. Because here's what I really think- I think its annoying that she posts tons of conservative stuff on facebook. But that's her right. I said that a few posts ago. I don't agree with her on politics. That's okay. We're grown adults. We don't have to agree. But to see someone I spent many a day of my childhood actively choosing to support discrimination against me and the people I love most in public absolutely enrages me. I'm beyond hurt. I am beyond disappointed. I'm pissed. 

 

I never, NEVER, say shit like that to members of my family. I would never, NEVER, say something so disrespectful and hurtful to people that I know and love. I try not to be like that with people I don't like. Why would I say something like that to someone I'm supposed to love? 

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I haven't seen her in a long time. We're not super close. But I keep track of what's going on in her life. I ask my grandma about her. And when she sent me a friend request on FB I accepted it, because I hate how my family isn't close the way it used to be. Still- its really, really disrespectful. 

 

I never told her, when she got home from her tour in Iraq that I thought it was terrible that she was over there, fighting people who didn't ask us to come, killing people who had no choice about how they lived under a dictator. I didn't tell her I felt like it was wrong that she was fighting a war started by a president who should have been looking out for his country but was instead looking out for his own legacy...I didn't. I didn't because I know that she was re-upped more than once. I know that it was hard on her, her family, her kids. I didn't because those are her beliefs and her choices. And I sure as shit now don't post hateful things about the military online. I respect our military. I respect my grandfather and all the other members of my family who fought in wars that actually meant something. I know some wonderful men and women now who are in our armed forces and are lending their talents and lives to our country admirably. I would never be so hurtful. Never. 

 

But I'd like to remind her- being in the military? Her choice. Going to war? Her choice. Me being gay? Not my choice. That's how god made me.  

I could go on for hours about how I think our President is a very moral man. How much good he has done for our country, and especially for people like me. It would be a waste of time. Probably she won't vote for him because of what he did for me. I can see my partner in the hospital now. They can't throw her out when I am sick. DADT has been repealed once and for all and all the people like me in the military don't have to hide so they can use their talents to support a country they love that may not love them quite so much. Like I said- waste of time. 

I just feel like there's so many other things in this world we could be worried about. Instead, here we are, myself among them, fighting about love, and who has the right to love, and who doesn't. It seems like such a waste.

Its even more sad to me that however much someone in my family might disagree with my lifestyle, they would feel like its okay for people to actively discriminate against and hurt me. 

Thank you, to my friends and family who choose to love and support me just as I am. I appreciate it. I love you all too. 

AGxx

I'm Wide Awake

I've had a wild week since Wednesday.

Work has been pretty intense. We've been much busier this week than we have been in the last few weeks, and it has kept me running, literally. This week we also started our new uniforms. I like them quite a bit. they look really sharp on everyone. We switched from our black pants and cotton colored polos to all black uniforms- long sleeve black button downs, black bistro aprons, and black pants. It looks good, although it is much hotter. I purchased a poplin shirt because it is a much lighter weight material than cotton. I don't know how the kids wearing cotton are making it. I've been sweating like crazy. When I woke up yesterday morning I was driving the girls to work and I smelled something terrible. It was like gym socks and dead animal...it was me! I think its time for me to upgrade my deodorant.I will say this- Spice made my day yesterday. I supervised, and now we are allowed to wear business casual dress when we sup. She told me I looked pretty several times. Vain as I am, I still feel rather unsettled about how I look (which is why I am so vain, btw) and it meant a lot to me for her to say that. Heck- Sakura and I went to breakfast and he said he didn't even recognize me when I got out of the car. (I do want to say, i wear skirts and dresses a lot. I look nice on a day to day basis. But there's something very different about me when I get into a nice formal look and wear an up-do and lots of makeup. I should have taken a picture.)

We also got a new car this week. She's an ancient blue Honda that Cat gave us because her and Brother bought a new vehicle. We named her Vanessa. She's a standard too...I know I'm going to love her already. I like to look out the window and see her sitting in front of our house. Kitten went to go pick her up on Tuesday with Mom.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not...Tuesday Addidas came and visited me in the morning. It was really nice to have the company while I chilled out on the couch and zoned from my medicines. My mouth is doing much better, although the place where my teeth were is rather starting to hurt. I'm sure it will heal up soon. I haven't been taking my meds to work with me, so I can make it through the day pain free- for the most part anyway. I've got another full day today at work, and I am hoping it goes smoothly and quickly.

Last night Sakura and I met with a new seeker for our coven, Felix. She's a really nice girl. I had a good time getting to know her. I sincerely hope she likes us and likes the group, because she seems like she fits right in. Her personal philosophy jives really well with ours, and she was very eager to learn. She even asked if we could send her home with a few starter books. I have no doubt in my mind she will have them read by this Thursday. I think she likes to read almost as much as I do, and that's something.

Kitten and Oscelot seem to like her really well. She meshed with everyone easily. I liked that. As is our normal custom with other friends, she was over pretty late, which I like despite the fact that I find myself sleepy when I wake up in the morning. (I've been making an effort not to go back to bed. If the girls can go without naps so can I!) She was really easy to talk to. If I didn't know better I would say that I knew her in a previous life. (Well, I actually don't know better, as of now, I suppose) It felt like I had known her for a long time. She was easy to chat with and I felt like I really related to her. I didn't have any trouble talking to her, and I'm pretty shy, so that's nice. I didn't feel intimidated or uneasy, and she seemed to be okay with my rather abrasive personality, so that made me really happy. I have high hopes that things will work out well.

I invited her to our next working night, because I think she'll like seeing us do our thing. I also invited her to our next Sabbat Lammas, which is coming up at the beginning of August. I'm a little stressed about that. Not her being there, just the Sabbat itself. Its coming up fast and Oscelot is supposed to be planning it with me, but she hasn't really sat down to talk to me about it. I've done some research and brainstorming, so hopefully I'll be able to get us on the ball. Its a long, hard slog and I don't want to get behind. I feel like I am already behind on that.

It seems to me like there are a thousand things I have to do, and I haven't gotten all of them done. Its going to be intense getting things caught up and trying to keep up with daily life as well. I have every faith I can do it, but I want to make sure I do it well. I did see a post on one of my friend's facebook walls the other day that I thought was completely appropriate to me. It said "Strive for Progress, not Perfection" I need to remember that. I have a bad habit of letting my perfectionism get in the way of other things. Like enjoying the moment. I asked myself for more discernment and patience. I need to work on that.

Speaking of rituals, Litha went really, really well. I was so happy about it. We got things done on time, meaning we were able to finish ritual before the sun went down. I was glad about that. There were a couple of flubs on my part, which more stemmed from overconfidence and maybe my pain killers than from lack of preparation, which i am okay with. The God and Goddess have a sense of humor, so I know they enjoyed watching me flounder for a moment. It made even me laugh. Otherwise, it was a very moving and exciting ritual. All the practice meant that I could enjoy it in a way that I normally am not able to. I was happy when I finished.

I also did a better job using the energy around me, so for the first time ever I wasn't exhausted the morning after Ritual. Sakura was very inspiring to me. He was also very patient with me. I felt a lot of power coming off of all of us. It proves to me that we are growing, and that we feel much more confident than we did. It was our first ritual where we had other members participate rather than just stay in the circle and learn and absorb energy. It made things feel much different.

Kitten has volunteered to take the Mabon ritual on with me. I'm so excited. This is the first time she has made an offer like that. It looks to me as if everyone who is a coven elder is looking to move forward with their work. We're definitely working more like a team. I like that. The group mind is becoming more solid again. I'll be interested to see what it feels like when Kitten and I work a circle together. Us being bound and sharing energy...it might make it a little different. I'll certainly report back on that. Anyway. I am interested to see how it works out. Mabon is one of my favorite holidays, so its extra special she's working on this one with me. I think all four of us are going to tackle Samhain (Halloween) together. It will be beautiful. It amazes me to see how fast the year has passed. I'm rounding the corner to my new year. It blows my mind sometimes.

Its okay though. I feel like I've made a lot of personal progress. I feel like I have made a lot of change for myself. I know I have better direction than I did before.

For those who are keeping track- I am way less angry than I used to be.

I'll let you run away for now. I have every intention of gathering my thoughts and making a post worth reading very soon.

Blessings to each of you.
AGxx

Ps- sorry about the Katy Perry lyric for the title. Its Ironic, I promise, because I feel anything but wide awake at this moment.

Witchy Woman

Yesterday was interesting. I'm not going to lie. Work was duller than it had been and that's saying something. Fortunately, Sakura and my mom made an appearance. It kept me from dying of boredom.

Last night Sakura came over and we worked on Litha again. I was really proud because i had the first part of The Charge of the Goddess memorized. (For anyone keeping track, I've got it almost completely as of this morning.) Things went very smoothly. I'm getting excited for the ritual.

When we came inside we had dinner. Dad had brought by his fantastic home made chili, and it was delicious. I'd been craving spicy food, so I was really happy. We talked over dinner while Dad chilled out in the living room and watched this DVD Kitten got for them that goes with a kit to make a solar powered generator. Its the kind of thing both of them love to do...so it was fun. I made a couple of trips into the living room after dinner and they were running their own personal riftrack on the DVD. At one point they were both sitting in the floor wagging their feet and giggling. It made me happy to see it. I like when Kitten spends time with her family.

In the kitchen, I sat down to do some work. My mom had an injury at work about a week ago and hasn't been able to work since then. I made a poppet for her out of an old sock and today I will pick up a candle for her and give her instructions on how to use it. It should be fun. I'll say this, I am really pleased at my mom's burgeoning confidence in my abilities as a witch.

After I finished that we worked on making the straw god effigy for this ritual. It was...interesting up until the point we figured out that we didn't need to make the body out of wire first. Then things got a lot easier. Just as we were finishing up, Dad came in to chat to us. The conversation went as follows:

Dad: Whatcha doin?
Me: (with raffia between my teeth) Making a doll
Dad: A voodoo doll?
Me: No, I already did one of those
Dad: Who of?
Me: My mom
Dad: Cool. So this is what? A straw man you're going to burn?
Robert: A straw god we're going to burn
Me: For our next holiday
Dad: The solstice?
Me: Yes
Dad: Want me to come over and help? I'll wear my feathered headdress...

He proceeded to dance around the kitchen mumbling unintelligible noises and grunts. We all giggled. Then he said very seriously that every culture on earth celebrates the solstices and he thinks its nice we are too. Its one of the reasons I love Dad, and our whole family. They seem not to mind whatever it is we're doing. 

With the god effigy finished and the ritual well on its way to perfected, I'm pretty excited about the things we have coming up. It should be really nice. After my little rant yesterday, I managed to pull myself together and focus. I'm feeling much better. 

I will say this, I know I'm not the only one that has trouble letting go. Our group has been dealing with an issue for a while now, and its something we seem unable to let go of, however finished the problem might be. I think its difficult to look and some changes as anything but failures, and I know none of us like to feel like we failed at something. We'll move on, we'll let go. Its just...difficult. The one thing I will say about my family is that 3/4 of us are empathic, so we take things pretty hard when the emotions start running high. 

I've not got too much to say this morning. Mostly I wanted to share our little laugh from last night. Today we are going to look at a car that one of Kitten's mom's friends is selling. We'd like a second vehicle. It would make life simpler. Also, this car isn't so nice, and won't be so expensive that if Oscelot wrecks it we won't be able to recover from the loss. She's not what you'd call a great driver. She swears its always someone else's fault....but 4 accidents in two years...I'm glad she won't be on my insurance anyway. 

I'm off to be not productive for a little bit. Its nice to take a breather. 

Oh- if you want a good giggle, I discovered through Flyguy the series of youtube videos called " Will it Blend?" and it made me laugh. Especially the Justin Beiber episode.

Right. Have a nice sunday everyone. 

AGxx 

Time of Day I Can't Recall

This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.

I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.

Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.

This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.

The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?

Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?

On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights.  Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.

When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.

I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)

Things I need to remember:

I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.

Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.  

I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.

AGxx

Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.

We'll Fast Forward To A Few Years Later

This week my cousin Mustang graduated from high school. A momentous occasion, no doubt. It was interesting for me, a strange feeling, because i am once again reminded that I am getting older. I remember when he was born. I remember babysitting him when he was just a kiddo. Wow. time flies.

I went to his graduation party tonight. It was a lot of fun. His family had a barbeque at their house and it was really nice. In part because I got to see my family. Okay, mostly because I got to see my family. I mean, everyone's a good cook and I was happy to go and celebrate with him but really, seeing him and his brother and sister, my aunt and uncle and their family was really nice. I don't get to see them as often as I would like to. I miss a lot of our family gatherings. Partly because I usually work and don't have enough advance notice to ask off for it. Partly because I am (well, we'll talk about it later) for the most part estranged from my brother Punk, and I opt out of a lot of family gatherings, thinking its probably better he gets to see them when he has the chance. I would hate to be the cause of him not going, and if something were to happen while he was there that I didn't like, I hate the idea of making a scene by peacing out early so I don't have to be a part of it.

So, for the first time in years, I got to spend a little time with my family. I was really happy about that. I might get to more soon, because Punk and I are talking again, and I think we'll be able to work out our issues, or at least, I hope we will. I've only got the one brother, you know, and I know I'm sentimental and all, but I feel like there's more to life than me holding a grudge.

Anyway, I saw my Aunt J's in-laws for the first time since they got married, I think, so in 20 years or so. Needless to say, we've all changed a little bit. I got to meet Mustang's girlfriend and his friends from work. It was nice, they were good kids, and I had a good time talking to them. They seemed to think I was funny, so they get points in my book because that means they appreciate my rather dry wit. I also got to spend some time with my little cousin Ginger, and that was fun. She's a great kid. I wish I was half as well rounded as she is when I was her age.

It was nice, and a good time was had by all. Kitten was welcomed like one of the family, and that meant more to me than I will ever be able to explain. It means so much to see them loving her and appreciating her for how great a person she is. I was able to let her alone, and she could talk to people and be normal around them. It was good. My mom said afterwards that she was telling my grandmother tonight how she couldn't see me with anyone else in the world, and how good Kitten is for me, and with me. I never thought I would hear those things coming out of her mouth. I was glad. (In case you are wondering, I totally would have taken Oscelot with us too, except she has bronchitis, and I didn't want her outside. She needs the rest,)

I got Mustang a card, and while I did put a folding gift inside it, I hope he takes the time to read the note I tucked in as well. I know at this time of year graduates get a lot of sentimental stuff from their family members telling them how great they are, and how awesome their lives will be now that they've moved on to bigger and better things. But I didn't really feel like that was appropriate. Instead, I told him things that I wish someone had told me at that age. I told him that when he gets to college, that he should keep his syllabus and read it all the time. There's always that hidden paper or test in that thing, and it will save your life every time. No one ever told me that. I reminded him to go to class, even when attendance doesn't count. And to remember that there's no such thing as "a short break from school" you're either in or out, and when you have to make that decision, its important to look long and hard at what's important to you.

I tried to tell him things that I know are true. Like everyone fucks up. They do. Its a fact. And that doesn't make us bad, it makes us human. The trick is to mess up when you've got support, and learn from it. I told him its okay to change his mind about things in his life. That's normal too. And I told him that he should live his life well by making choices that are good for him, that make his life better- and that he should try to do that without hurting other people if he can. But if he does, and this is important, apologize and make it right, because those are the first steps to adulthood. I can't tell you how much I wish I had someone to tell me those things, hard as they are to hear when you're 18 and the world seems to belong to you. Of course, I also told him that when he does fail, and when he's unsure, that I would be there for him. Because that's what you do for the people you love.

Having written the note, there seemed a million other things I wanted to tell him. Like how it sucks to have someone break your heart, and how you will inevitably screw someone's heart up too. But you live through it. I wish I'd told him that there will be a lot of dangerous stupid things he'll want to do in the next few years, and that I've done most of them, and he shouldn't. I can tell him first hand how drugs and alcohol screw up your life. And how there's never "just this once" because once is all it takes. I want to tell him life is unfair, but its what you do about that unfairness that makes your character. And that being yourself, and who you are when no one looks, when you're sure there's nothing and no one to judge you, is what makes you who you are. And that's all you get, you come into this world with that, and its all you get to take with you.

Of course, those are all things to be spoken of at a later time. And honestly I wouldn't have listened at that age, and probably he wouldn't either. Not because he's a bad kid, but simply because he's a kid. That's okay too. I just hope when the time comes, he'll know there's someone who's been there that is waiting to be there for him. I hope he knows that whether he needs to cry or yell or just have someone who'll nod at the unfairness of it all...I can be there for him. I would have liked those things. Of course, there's a good chance I could have had those things too. I love my aunts, and I know they would have been there for me if I had only though to ask them to be. But I never did. Hopefully by saying so, I'll at least be on his radar when the time comes.

I'd never want to be a teenager again, and I am famous for saying that though my life has not been easy, and the choices I made a lot of the time when I was younger were terrible for me in the end, I do envy that feeling like the world is yours and everything's good for a laugh and nothing seems impossible. Of course, knowing what I do now, I know that I can have whatever it is I set myself to. It just takes time and patience. Fortunately, I have a lot more of that now than I did at 18, and I suppose in the end, that's a pretty good trade.

AGxx

I Just Want To Bang On The Drum All Day

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.

I worked, of course, and that's not terribly interesting aside from the fact that we were busy. We had a group of 25 call about an hour before we opened to let us know they were coming in. It was nice for them to give us a head's up, we called Shorty (bless her heart it was her only day off!) and she came in to help us out, which was very nice of her.

At the end of the afternoon Kitten and Oscelot came in because we ride home together. They filled out their new hire packets. It was a new experience for me. Despite the fact that I have worked with Oscleot before, this is the first time that I've had someone in my family hired on at a job I was working at, while I was a senior staff member. I think things will be fine, I really do. I took Kitten around the store after she finished and gave her a very brief training session where I showed her how to find things, taught her the table numbers, ect. I know I'm biaed, but froma training standpoint I'm not...I was pleased to see that she understood and remembered things quickly, and she asked intelligent questions. I'll look forward to working with her next Saturday.

After work we went home and I went to go get things for dinner. Hedgewitch, Shyguy and Shorty all came over and I made Indian food. It was an epic fail. I didn't care for it, I'm pretty sure Shorty didn't and I know Kitten didn't. Well...live and learn. You can't figure out you're bad at making reigonal cuisine unless you try right?

While Kitten was in class I did take the time to go over some of our plans for while she is away with Oscleot. I liked having Hedgewitch and Shyguy there too, because they're going to help us out when they can. I picked up some fabric swatches yesterday morning and brought them home for us to look at. I think we narrowed it down to two or three fabrics we like, which is nice. WE can get an approximation on the price to cover the couch and get moving on that. We worked out a timeframe for repainting the living room and the library. I know the library will take longer, only because there's more stuff to move in there. I mean, thousands of books don't just pick up and move on their own. I'll have to move the computer desk too...so there'll be some technology wrestling too. I think we can manage. I've pretty well decided I'm going to get rid ofthe curtains in the library and get new ones. The ones we have now are old, they came with the house, and they don't match anything.

I am still thinking very carefully about replacing the flooring in the living room and the library. I'm terrified I'll screw it up. But I'm going to make it work. Hell, Guitar Hero managed to lay flooring in ourback room all by herself. If she can do it so can I! Speasking of, Oscelot is supposed to be pumping her for information about where she got the hardwoods she put in the back room, because I know she got them for cheap...and we like that because they're really pretty too. Its bamboo flooring, which is such a nice color.

Today starts my long weekend. I open at work today and I bartend tonight, tomorrow I open the bar and I close books as a manager. I open again on Sunday morning, and that's a lot of days in a row where I'm working all day and I'll be away from the girls. I'm going to miss them. I was going to see if I could talk Oscelot into weeding some of the flower beds while Iw as away this weekend, so we could get a jump start on the flowers, but wouldn't you know, yesterday it hailed and sleeted in the afternoon and its cold as all get out this morning. Its not going to be too warm this weekend. Our weather is so erratic it hurts. We were in the high sixties two days ago.

I've got some ideas for improving my garden this year. I want to line my driveway with Irises, which I need to get into the ground soon. I also want to plant a shade/porch garden on the porch when we refinish it. I was thinking about window boxes too...but that might have to wait. I'm not sure yet on those. I have to finish painting the outside of the house before that can happen. Our rock pathway is charming with its old stone planters, and I'm thinking about putting an old english cottage blend of flowers in a line down it, circled around our pathway lights. I think it could be cute. We'll see.

Of course, I need to buy some new rose bushes to replace the one my awful neighbor ran over last year, and I have space for a couple more before it gets rediculous. Of course, I also need to find something to do with the one shady spot of our yard, just to the east of our porch. I'm thinking ferns, because they like ddamp, and we've got a little tree with a face planter I might put over there with them, just because he's cute and it will look curte when they finish blooming. I know it sounds silly, but I've had a hankering for some big stone lions to sit at the base of our porch steps, so I am keeping my eyes peeled for some. I think we've got our bird bath picked out too. I'm looknig forward to posting pictures once the yard is blooming full tilt. Its going to be lovely.

Of course, the fun part about all of this work is that it will be a nice suprise for Kitten every time she comes home from her internship on the weekend. I'm going to work in three day surts, which means I have plenty of time for projects. I can do this. I can do this with the help of Oscelot and my awesome friends. I can.

That's me for the last two and next three days. I hope you all have a good weekend. I don't know if I'll make it back on before Sunday or not. I'm going to be mighty tired.

Are stone lions tacky? I don't know...its not gnomes or flamingos right?

AGxx

I Just Want to Thank You

So I'm sitting and relaxing after my first day back at work after two days off. I've got a glass of Rumchata and Gaslight Anthem is playing. I'm pretty happy.

We had a good time on our trip. The ride down was a little rough for me, I had a headache, but I slept most of the way, so I fet better after we got to the hotel and I got some food in me. Instead of going to the lovely mcCoy's Public House where we normally eat we went to Joe's Pizzeria, which was deicious, even if they didn't have public bathrooms.

The bar we went to for the concert was interesting. There was definately a big Yuppie crowd. I saw a lot of artful layering of cashmeres and high end peasant looks on the ladies. The men were rocking the campy glasses and $200 flannels. It was...interesting. Fortunately, the food was amazing and the bartenders were awesome.

The opening act was local and honestly, she left a lot to be desired. We were sitting directly at the bar, about as far as you could get from the stage. It wasn't too far, really, we could still see and hear everything. I ignored her after I discovered she was awful and rather boring. The main act, Katie Herzig, was great. We haven't seen her preform since right before we started dating Oscleot. She's really matured as an artist, and I loved the show. She's got a little more edge than the last time we saw her. It was a great show. Afterwards she hung around and talked to everyone. We chatted her and her guitarist Jordan up, and it was a good time. They posed for pictures, which was really nice. We now have all four of her albums with her signature, which is cool, because inevitably, she'll get big and we won't be able to do that anymore. It happened with Brandi Carlile. We're just waiting for it to happen with her.

The hotel was an experience. We were on the top floor and the wind was so strong it was pretty scary. Kitten and I shared a bed and Oscleot shared one with Precious, Kitten's best friend. She was a bit of a pain in the ass this trip. She had too much to drink, wound up hungover and sleeping through breakfast. She's a picky eater, so she didn't like her lunch. We finally broke down and got her some sonic on the way home, because we couldn't deal anymore.

We spent the afternoon hanging out with Cat, Kitten's sister, who is moving away this week to the wilds of Wisconsin. We won't see her for a while, so it was nice to spend a little time with her too. Her and Brother took us to a great cafe that only used locally sourced ingredients. Lunch was awesome. We went flea marketing and hit the local bookstore. All and all a good time.

Back to work today and it was nice and easy. Oscleot is coming back to Casa Bueno a few days a week to make some extra money. It will be nice to have a leg up when Kitten leaves and even better to have some cash socked back for all of our secret suprise rennovation projects, which look like they're going to be easy, because all of our friends are volunteering to help. I just have to talk Flyguy into helping me lay some hardwood floors. I think he'll do it. I just want a manly type to help me weild the saw. They make me nervous, even after all these years.

I was chatting with Mrs Boss today and we got to talking about teas, and then projects for the house, and the hours for Oscleot and she made mention something that totally suprised me. I might have mentioned that Kitten is coming on board at Casa Bueno to bus tables for our upcoming holidays because we are so busy and totally short staffed at the moment. I guess she was talking to our Kitchen Manager and she told me her and Mr Boss agreed with her that Kitten deserves a fair shake at looking for a new job when she comes back. We've been stressed since Kitten will have to quit at the Happy Waffle to do the internship. That leaves her unemployed when she comes back. Today the bosses told us that if she wants, until she finds a job in the HVAC industry, she has a job waiting for her at Casa Bueno working in the kitchen. It wwas a huge relief. I have the best bosses in the world. Its nice to know they're looking out for my family. I appreciated it. I fortunately managed to to cry when she told me. Its a huge relief. I have a lot less to worry about now.

I keep thinking lately about my life. I'm a lucky woman. I love my life.

AGxx

Fight The Break of Dawn

Our lives are about to change.

Last night Kitten told me about an opportunity for her this summer for her internship for school. She has to have one to graduate, and where she interns will make a huge difference for her when the time comes for her to look for a job in the HVAC industry, which isn't too far off. Turns out, their school is taking four students to work for the summer on some huge HVAC equipment. Its the type of stuff she wants to work on, the system work would give her great experience. It pays nearly twice an hour what she makes now and its for three months this summer. Its even a job for the government, which is even better.

The catch? Its at a military base two hours from home. She wouldn't be able to commute and she'd be away from us for the full three months outside of occasional visits. She had to make a decision by today, and she asked me what I thought.

I told her to go for it.

I'm going to miss her terribly, and the thought of being away from her for so long is incredibly painful for me. I hate being away from her for a few hours. I can't imagine how hard it will be to be away from her for a few months. But this is the sort of opportunity she can't turn down. Its exactly what she was looking for. Its exactly what she needs.

Now I just have to get over all of my hangups. Don't get me wrong. I know she's not going to stop loving me. I know that she's the most trustworthy partner a woman could ask for. I just hate her going away. I worry about me doing the bills. She handles all the finances right now. I mean, I can do it. I'm a grown woman. I've just grown accustomed to not doing it. I can suck it up for a few months. We're not sure, but we may have to buy a new car. That's going to hit the pocket book pretty hard.

I know things will be fine, but right now, the prospect of that big of a change is pretty scary.

I've already made a list of things I am going to do while she's away. I'll repaint the house, refinish the porch, add annuals to my already huge rose garden, plant more roses. I'm going to get climbers and train them up the sides of my newly refinished porch. I'm planning on moving all the stuff out of the living room and repainting it. I'm going to find a second filing cabinet and refile verything for easy access. Somehow I'm going to rearrange the library so it looks less cluttered. I've got plenty to keep me busy on top of my job and having Oscelot for company.

I'll have Shorty and Spice and Hedgewitch and Flyguy to keep me company. I already know that if I get sick I have good friends who can watch out for me so I don't have to worry her. I'll be okay. Things will be fine.

I just hope and pray that this is going to be the awesome opportunity that it seems like. I hope that she learns a lot and has a good time. I hope she misses me just a little.

I can't wait to see what this summer brings, literally. I've not been this sure and unsure at the same time in a very long time.

Think of me. Any advice you can give? I would gladly take it right now.

I'm off to find something productive to do while she's in class. Like have a bath.

AGxx