Time Keeps Rollin' On

I could keep telling you how busy I am, but no one believes me with the amount of time I spend on Tumblr, honestly. And I do have a Tumblr, in case you want to see what really occupies my waking hours. Spoiler alert- books, cats, food, Kitten and a few very pretty British men. Specifically This one:

Oh. And I've been figuring out how to work gifs, FINALLY, because I am sick of not being able to do it. Thanks to Sakura for that. Seriously.

I've been meaning to write lately and every time I get in here I get distracted because I want to talk about so many things. I keep thinking, why can't I be nice like Aravis and Swiss and only talk about one thing at a time? It occurs to me this is because Aravis and Swiss and all the other lovely bloggers I know actually have things to say and their minds are not, like mine, as cluttered as a forgotten attic in a romance novel. Fortunately, I explore mine pretty often and I always find a few treasures. Here's what's been on my mind lately:

The government shut down. I could get all wound up and do a political post but we'll stay away. I'll say this, the system is broken. EVERYONE is at fault. This started years before now. I'm sick of all of it. Talk about voter apathy. I won't have the heart to encourage people to vote if this keeps up, because really, who wants to convince someone their voice matters when really a bunch of assholes are going to hijack your decision making governing body and hold it hostage while pitching a fit like a two year old because they aren't getting their way. This goes for both sides, btw. All this nonsense does have a practical aide to it- I worry about money. I also worry because we have several customers who work for the government at Super Coffee and I don't want to cope with them not coming in because they've no paychecks.

Oscelot and Bobcat live next door. This causes no angst, its just new.

I am, though, concerned about Oscelot, because I have this horrible feeling the friendship is going to go south, and I hate when shit goes sideways. I've had a few tarot readings that indicate this is going to happen soon and it is going to effect my wallet. This will piss me off. We'll see. I feel like there's an effort on her part to needle me into being an asshole so she can be the victim, so I'm being as nice as possible for the moment, probably a dick move in and of itself. Ah, well. At least I'm being nice about it.

I have been enjoying some new fandoms lately. My love of Doctor Who grows daily. Of course, I've been loving Sherlock. Okay, I'm obsessed with Sherlock and not just because BC is a very painfully, adorably perfect example of what humanity should be. I've always loved the AC Doyle shorts and I think that there has been serious thought put into updating the stories into modern London. In old fandom news I am preparing to be really excited about Catching Fire. I think it is going to be great. I've seen some of the casting for the third and fourth film as well, and I can't be bitter about that. The Hobbit, Desolation of Smaug trailer came out and I think its going to be great. I will certainly be purchasing the latest Star Trek special edition to own for my very own quite soon. Kitten is currently really into AMC's The Walking Dead. Me? Not so much. I did, however, really like World War Z as far as zombie movies go and they aren't usually my favorite. I even liked it in 3D.

I am gearing up for Nanowrimo (Nano) and I think this year is going to be great. I've actually stayed in touch with some of the people who I have met in the forums over the last couple of years, and seeing them grow as writers and them  being there to encourage me is huge. I think I am going to try a romance again this year, though I am planning on skipping the historical and trying out a modern romance. I am also going to work to make this one real and enjoyable. I feel like there has to be more to romance than just billionaire philanthropist playboys, right? Poor people need love too. Hell, look at me.

My brother turned 30 last week and its making me feel really old. On the upside, Punk did invite me to his birthday party for the first time in years. I, of course, could not attend. But it was the thought that counted. We'll probably lunch later this week and it will be a good time. If not this week, well, by week I mean sometime in the next seven days. I need to work out his days off...

I may or may not have mentioned that my mom and grandmother came unglued on me in public when I told them I didn't want to celebrate Christmas with anyone this year-not specifically them, but anyone. See, I'm not a Christian and I hate the shuffle and crazy. They both apologized and are being really mature about it. For now. This, I think, is a good thing.

Samhain (Halloween) is fast approaching and I am really looking forward to the dumb supper we are planning (it means we don't talk, not that its stupid). I've almost got everything ready, except for purchasing the food, of course. And I'm waiting on the final RSVPs. It'll be great. I love the holidays, I really do.

Outside of that I think I am joining a gym in January (Specials, friends. I hate paying the building fees, especially when they're more than a third of the yearly subscription. That's stupid.) I am finally uncomfortable with my body shape. I am okay with the weight, and I know a lot of it comes from not smoking (did I ever mention I quit smoking? I quit in May.) and the food cravings that I have been completely giving into because of it. I have to remember now that I probably shouldn't always listen to my cravings, especially if they are for truffles and cans of pringles. Or cupcakes for breakfast. Either way, I've been meaning to get into a gym and swim more. I've been a lot less active as a housewife than I was when I was working at Casa Bueno and I need to take better care of myself. Kitten is positively rail thin because of her work now (all muscle too- I keep feeding her and it doesn't work!) so I feel like a total layabout when I look in the mirror. I could definitely use some toning. Not to mention I decided to ride my bicycle to the post office today to get some stamps and what would have been a quick and easy ten minute ride was a painful and embarrassing fifteen minute slog. It is certainly time to get back into shape. I may take my bike to work with me tomorrow and ride it home. I don't fancy the ten mile ride will be pleasant, but then, exercise hardly ever is...I suppose I'll see how miserable and defeated my body is tomorrow. I mowed the lawn and hacked at some weeds today too....

So that's me. I think there's not a whole lot of other interesting things going on. I'll eventually get around to talking about exciting things again, and maybe telling you all about my workplace, which really is a treasure. I am so happy there I can't even think.

So....you lot take care and I swear I'll make it in soon. Swear.

Lots of love- AGxx


Oh- and a postscript for someone who swore they were getting the hell out of my life a few years ago and I've discovered that they are occasionally stalking my blog. For the record, I was right. I still am. I'm glad I made the decision I did. As for you?

Our House Is A Very Very Very Fine House

Its been a busy week. I've meant to blog for several days now and the time keeps getting away from me.

The short version is I've been taking care of some orphaned kittens and I redid my living room.

But a picture is worth a thousand words, right?

 So I took down most of the stuff on Tuesday night while we were watching America's Got Talent, which is why there are no curtains on the window. That's kitten sneaking out the door to her lovely new job. See that coffee in her hand? I brewed it!

That the wall that never had much on it,

That's the archway into the Library (read: used to be the dining room)

There's the captain's chair (yep, Star Trek reference) and Cookie chilling out, waiting for me to move it. Behind her, the door to the bedroom.

The bookshelves used to be over here. The wall was in need of serious repair. I patched it during AGT. I didn't mind it too much...except I looked up during the last act and realized that Howard Stern was looking extra nice on that episode. Of course I missed it. I keep reminding myself there's a whole season...

So I got back to the corner and to work.

This might, maybe, be the books from the living room, sitting on a table in the dining room. They might also be so heavy I was worried about breaking the table they were on. I haven't actually counted them, but I'm thinking there's somewhere in the neighborhood of 350 books there. Minimum.


The dust I kicked up moving them...nope.

This might be the window in the library, where I had to stack more books because I ran out of space on the table.

This is the walls, nice and primed.

I think we did an okay job of it, really.

There's the back of Bobcat as she removes my sconces so she can paint them. 'Cause she's awesome like that.

There's the new green wall. In this light it looks way brighter than I think it looks normally. But its fine either way, because its much cleaner looking. Speaking of clean, you wouldn't notice but I shampooed the carpets too.

There's Kitten, Bobcat and Oscelot watching the AGT results show. I'm pretty sure Bobcat is holding a kitten. She's sitting on that nice leather couch I got. Isn't it pretty?

There's the entry to the library now I like that we relocated the television. I think it makes the space look much cleaner.

Also, having moved those bookshelves, I'm pretty sure I have room for two more, if I play my cards right.

There's the new corner. I love that purple color.  If you look to the left you can see my blue and pink polka-dot bedroom. Super girly, just like my new living room.

There's the new entry. The key holder is actually a little garden fence. We just bent the scrollwork in. Nice, right? Also, way more room for all the keys.

The captain's chair looks much more official from that corner.

I might have saved the pillows off the old couch so that I can recover them and reuse them.




So...that's what I've been up to.

I've also spent my time not cleaning and kitten minding reading the first book in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series with Swisslet. That's pretty much all of my time.

So...what have you lot been improving?
AGxx

How many roads must a man walk down?

I know I've been really quiet on here recently. I promise that's not been intentional. I've had a spate of what you might call ill luck recently. I finished up at alphabet soup office but not before catching that nasty thing that was going around the office. I didn't get it as bad as some of the others, but I spent a good long while fighting it. On top of that I've managed a cold, the flu and food poisoning (bad chicken- ick!). Afterwards, my modem crashed and I had to wait a week while my ISP sent me a new one. Good times. And that's on top of work, plus having three novels I'm beta reading, and trying to edit my own and write a new one.

So I've been busy.

Things are coming along though. I've started a new novel. I think I'm going to enjoy writing it. I've also gotten back in touch with my betas and I feel a lot better about my work now that I'm trying to catch up.

The coven is nice and active, and I've been having a good time planning lessons and watching everyone make progress. We have a new member who is working to become a magician, not a witch, and she has done a lot to spur the group to greater heights. If I can say anything, its that everyone in our group is subtly competitive and having a new face who's a classic type A overachiever has pushed them.

I'm glad my job at ABC is done, because frankly, even though the work wasn't challenging I spent a lot of time feeling like my brains were leaking out my ears by the end of the day. Some of it was the monotony. Some of it was my inability to do anything without having to stop and ask someone if I could do it, or what I could or couldn't keep. There was a general air of procrastination in that office that made me a little bit nuts. Not to mention, because I don't have a MA or a BA it felt a lot of the time like everyone assumed I wasn't as intelligent as they were. Now, you and I know that isn't true, but its difficult not to get a complex when you spend day after day with people who assume that you are only good for blue collar work. Not that there's anything wrong with blue collar work, but in a white collar office...yeah. I did meet some really nice people, though, and hopefully I will get to keep in touch with them. I'll also miss seeing Kmom every day.

Fortunately, I get to spend all of next week with her and a good part of the next two after that as well. We're remodeling her kitchen and I think it will be an interesting project for sure. It will be a nice change of pace, though I'm already considering what it will do to my schedule. I was laughing yesterday because my mom was saying how nice it must be to be unemployed and have nothing to do again. I told her that I just had three full time jobs now, not four. Because I consider my housewifey-ness a job, the coven is definitely a job and I've got editing work to do on top of trying to write a novel and get the other one ready for publication. Oh, and the thing with Kmom. So I know I'll have my plate full for the next couple of months.

As soon as I finish that up Kitten will be graduating. I am so proud I can't even think. I know we're trying to plan a little party, and even my great aunt is coming down from KC to come watch her walk. I don't think she knows how important it is to my family that she's graduating. We're all so proud of her. And as soon as that's all over I'll be taking off for two weeks to the wilds of South Carolina.

Yeah, I'm barely getting time to grab my breath.

So what have all of you been up to?
AGxx

Time is on my side

Wow. Time keeps slipping away from me!

I'm sure most of you have noticed its November, which means it is National Novel Writing Month. I love NaNo and have done it for years. I have done some of my best work and met some of my best friends through NaNo and I couldn't encourage budding writers enough to try it out. But this also means that despite the fact I will be at the computer for nearly all of the month, writing until I am certain my fingers will fall off, that I will probably be really lazy about updating here. Not that I am really regular here, or anything, but it seems like I am worse during November.

Samhain went really well. My coven and I had a great time. We went to Kitten's mom's house for the ritual. We were house sitting for her because she was at a conference, and she suggested we might like to have ritual at ehr place since there is a massive back yard surrounded by trees and its really private. Not to mention her house is a bit larger than ours. So we took her up on the offer.

I'm not going to lie, hauling all of the ritual stuff over there was a bit of a challenge, but we had a nice time in the end. We even had a sleepover, so some of our coven members stayed at the house all night. We ended the evening after ritual with a nice dinner and a chat in front of the fireplace. It was a good time. We also got to eat my very first attempt at a made from scratch cake. I am a notoriously bad baker, I can ruin slice and bake cookies...but the cake was good! I am not suprised that as usual, the stuff that is harder to do is much simpler for me.

We did a really nice ancestor meditation too, and I felt very comforted to see many of my passed family members and several of my spirit guides waiting for me. It meant a lot to me. I always feel so close to them this time of year. They had been making regular appearances in me dreams, so it was nice to see them when I went to seek them, not just when they came to find me. That may seem odd, but I really do feel like the deep relationship I have with my personal spiritual guardians is an important one, and it gave me the grace and the strength to see where I am in my life and where I need to go next.

We also discovered, quite by accident, that I have a new allergy. I am allergic to pumpkin. Or at the very least highly intolerant. See, I never eat pumpkin except for in pie during the holidays. I thought that it was the stress of being with my family that was causing me to be so sick. We carved pumpkins a couple of days before Samhain and wouldn't you know, I got a rash that looked rather like the chicken pox on my arms and a raging headache. Huh. I would have never thought. Oh, well, as much as I enjoy the seasonal rule of our pumpkin spice overlords, I rarely indulge. I am looking at this as an opportunity to try new flavors of the season. That's always best, isn't it?

I'm working hard on my new novel. I think I've got a lovely plot idea and it seems to be coming at a rather fast clip. I have no illusions. Week two is looming, and I know how difficult it is to stay motivated. But I have a really great group of writing buddies, and they are all on the same train of love, support and a little bit of verbal abuse that keeps my Type A personality writing.

Alright. I might be able to sneak on later in the week. If you live in the US, be sure to go vote. Oh- and a reminder- if you vote a strait party ticket- vote for the president first, before you hit the "select all one party" button. The presidential race is separate. It would suck if you forgot to vote for our commander in chief by technicality. Especially if you are anticipating on waiting in the same long lines I am. I waited 3 hours to vote for our last election. This year I imagine it will be just as bad, especially since we have one of the big national senate races. Do your duty by your country friends. I'll be proud of you.

Lots of love,
AGxx

What Are You Waiting For?

Its only been a week and it seems like the difference in me is palpable already. I know I made the right decision.

Its funny, I've had a better time at work this last week than I have in years. I think its the lack of pressure. Its not that I am doing any less work, or that I am not trying as hard. I simply do not feel as though everything I do will have some sort of lasting consequence. I am seeing everything as clearly as I possibly can. I was right about some of my coworkers being wonderful, wanting to stay in touch. I'm genuinely surprised at the number of people who have told me they will miss me. I honestly thought most of them would be glad to see me go. I laughed when one said so, and told her that I thought they would be glad to be rid of a pain in the ass head case like me. Spice, with her usual touch for words, quipped, "Yeah, but you're our pain in the ass head case."  Sweet, right?

I've been stunned that most of the staff seem to think that I am leaving as a result of something Shorty said to me a couple of weeks ago. I'd ask how they know about it at all, but I have a lot of faith in the gossip mongering of my staff. Truth is, I'm a little more thick skinned than that. And I am friends with Shorty. If she pissed me off, I'd tell her to her face. She wouldn't have wanted me to quit. As it is, she put in her notice because she has moved to a new job, and if that were the reason, well, I'd stay, wouldn't I?

I did have one (well meaning, I'm sure) coworker approach Oscelot and tell her that she needed to be sure I loved her before she started supporting me without a job. Oscelot and I had a good laugh over that. Partially because we're so used to people misunderstanding our relationship and partially because that seems really cold. I mean, given different circumstances it might have sounded like this "I know your girlfriend has an incurable disease, but if she isn't giving you enough attention, you should let her die." It also has to do with the fact that this person has always been really, really nice to me. I was almost surprised. Then again, I am usually suspicious of people who are nice in the workplace with no apparent motivations. There's always a motivation. Either way, Oscelot reassured me she knows that I love her. Wasn't it her and Kitten telling me I needed to quit my job? Didn't they tell me to? And aren't I going to find one that won't hurt me when I get my health all pulled back together?

Still, life is better. I feel more relaxed. I don't feel quite as tired as I did. I am also feeling much happier and more productive. It seems like there are a good few of us going through it right now. Like one of my other dear friends, I have been feeling the compulsion to write. I actually got some outlining done last night, well, most of the novella I am attempting. I've promised myself I am going to make another go of it, and hopefully, I will be able to get back on the horse. There is, of course, the feeling that I might not be good enough. I'm going to find out, aren't I? I think I am good enough. I know I can write.

As a bonus, NaNoWriMo is right around the corner and I'll have plenty of time to write then.

In other news, we've been spending a lot of time with Adidas lately, and she and Kitten spend a lot of time at school together. they have a similar class schedule. Sakura and Felix have been spending a lot of time over too. I got to meet Felix's partner. He's a nice guy.

Mabon ritual went well, despite my lack of planning. I actually thought about starting the Samhain ritual this week. I;m going to have it done really early. With the help of my coven, of course. I think all the elders are going to work on this ritual, so it ought to be really powerful. I can't wait.

Renaissance Faire is just around the corner. I've got to finish the sewing post haste. I can do it. I've got a whole week before the faire that I'll have off.

I was also lucky enough to see my cousins this last week, and while I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with them, something is better than nothing. I've been really enjoying the family bonding I've been doing the last month or so.

All in all, I'm a pretty lucky woman. I'm off to work, and then to lunch with the girls and Adidas. I might talk Flyguy into coming with us too. Then I have to write. And sew. And then I have two days off, in which I will totally be ready to bore you with the details of my life.

All my best, to all of you.
AGxx

I Can't Control You, You Can't Control Me

Happy Friday everyone. I know that most of my friends are happy that its here, because that means its the end of the work week. I'm excited for all of you. You get a full weekend to rest and enjoy yourselves. Its a time to relax. For me, of course, I'm in the middle of my work week, so I won't be celebrating with you as you go into this weekend well rested and (for my American friends at least) having had an extra day off already.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.

First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.

I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.

Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.

This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.

I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.

A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.

Point taken.

Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.

She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.

The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)

I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.

So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.

Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to.  I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"

I texted her back: Good.

Because it was.

AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

It Feels Like Home

The last few days have been really good to me. I've had a really productive week and I feel like things are really lining up for me. I've been making a lot of personal progress, and things have been going well with the more nuts and bolts part of my life too. Its really nice.

This week we had a meeting at Casa Bueno. That may not sound very interesting, but in the five years I have worked there, I have never once seen a staff meeting. Not once, until now. This week our regional manager from corporate called a meeting and we got together to talk about changes the company is making. I'm pretty excited about it. The meeting itself wasn't full of too much news, not anything we hadn't heard already anyway. It was more of a chance for our RM to talk to us about company philosophy and the new direction we're moving. The interesting stuff is the actual changes that are going to be made.

Our stores are all going to be remodeled, over a period of time of course. The big note there is that we'll have to earn one, and frankly, I think we can do it. If the talk we had was any indicator, we're on track already. My staff know how to relate to guests. They know how to act like professionals. They are full of enthusiasm and energy when they work. I like that about our team. You only had to look at them at the meeting to see it. Outside of the people who had just finished a shift and were in uniform, everyone took the time to clean up and look nice, even though no one was going to see us. We care about what we do. Everyone sat close to each other, and though there is a little grouping off, the groups still talked to each other. Everyone had a good time together before we got to the brass tax part of the meeting. We're getting new uniforms, which I can't wait for. They'll look a lot more professional, much cleaner and much more in line with what we want for our company. We're designing new lines of food and new plating for old favorites. We're updating our style, and I think we're all excited about it.

I spoke to Mr. Boss yesterday about whether or not he would let me do some off the clock liquor classes. Its one of the few things I think we really need to work on. When you work in a Mexican restaurant, its pretty important to have a working knowledge of both tequila and import beers- if you want to sell them. I want us to, and an increase in liquor sales won't hurt anyone. My idea was I would come in and offer once a week to take volunteers to study tequila that we carry and learn how to sell it. The overagers would have a tasting class so they would be familiar with the flavors of the alcohol. I think it would work to all of our advantage. If I picked up a pizza and we relaxed, I think it would go over well. Almost every Italian restaurant I know of has something like this and I think we would benefit from advanced knowledge. If you, as a guest, don't know that an Anejo is better than a Reposado, and I don't tell you then I don't get that upsell and you don't get as nice a drink. We'll see. If he agrees and it works, I think some of our other trainers could offer classes on hospitality and menu knowledge, and we could really improve our personal product. That's where we can get better. Because really, our food is excellent, and having eaten there for five years (15000 meals, I've done the math) I would know.

In other non-work but still work related news, Sakura and I are making huge progress on our Litha ritual, which is the next holiday we have coming. We're already blocking it out, and its nice to see how things are shaping up. Usually I do ritual alone, and I won't have time to practice and this makes things much simpler. He and I (to the amusement of my neighbors, no doubt) have spent enough time wandering around in my back yard to start tanning. More important than our crispy skin, though, we've found where the kinks are in the ritual, and we're ironing them out. Spell supplies are almost completely purchased, and we've moved on to writing a detailed outline that rather looks like a play. It tells us exactly where to step, where to move and when to do it. I like it, because reading through it as we write it out helps me learn all the words. Because the memorization part is coming, and that's going to be the hardest part.

Most rituals run between and hour and an hour and a half. That is a lot of prose to keep in your head, even if you did write most of it. It is nice to have Sakura on board because that means I have half the memorizing to do, and I like that. My memory isn't what it used to be. On top of that, having him there means if I hit a wall, he can have my back because he knows exactly where we are headed. There are other challenges of course. We bought a fire pit this week. Prior to this we just used one that was dug out in the back yard. Unfortunately, or blessedly depending on how you look at it, Hydra -the giant five trunked walnut in our backyard, has gown so that she hangs over the fire pit. Good for her, until we light a fire. So, the fire pit must be moved. We've relocated farther back into the yard, but digging out another spot seemed like a pain in the butt. So when Kitten and I were last at Local Home Improvement Center, we looked at the fire pits. We found one that looks like a gigantic cauldron and fell in love. As soon as it stops raining (no, I am not complaining, we needed it badly) we're going to head out to the back and make a beautiful place for our new fire pit to rest.

Of course, the fire pit itself is only one of the challenges. We've got to figure out how to build a flammable figure that looks like a person (its not what you think, I promise) so we can chuck it in the fire. This little effigy also has to have a stomach that opens so we can put things in it. I'm thinking on it, and I haven't come up with a good solution yet. Given time, though, I'm sure we will. I just need to have it figured out by June 13, which is when we are doing our full practice run. (We are using a lot of fire, practice prevents accidents)

With all the work on Litha we have of course been thinking about personal transformation. This leads us to thoughts of our goals and what we want for the future. I think things are shaping up nicely. Sakura has decided (well, decided a while ago) that he wants to move up to Portland with us when we go. We've got another two or three years depending on how things shape out. We had discussed with him that of course if he came at the same time we did, which we expected, that he could stay in our home with us until he found a place of his own. Then the thought struck us all, why not get a house big enough for all four of us, and just do what we pretty well do now- spend every day together?

We liked it. Everyone agreed. Which meant a few days of sitting and planning out what sort of house we would like, how much space we would need, and how much money we would want when we finally took off for the rose city. The decision we reached was we wanted one with two master suites or with an in-laws quarters. We appreciate Sakura's need to have his own space and be able to be away from the ladies every now and again. We agreed a family room or a great room would be necessary, because he has a ton of books too, and a library is a must for all of us, and we'd like it not to be in our dining room area this time. We all agree we want a separate space set aside from the rest of the house to practice our Craft in, somewhere sacred and used only for that purpose. We want a big kitchen, a place to entertain guests. We also want a guest room, so our families and friends can come to visit us. For Sakura and I, there was also the yard. We need one. We need a big back yard, with a privacy fence and plenty of green. I want a deck or a covered porch to fill with ivy and climbing roses and put a hot tub on. The hot tub, for me, is not negotiable. I want one. It will be good for everyone's health. Plus its great after a long day at work.

It seems like a lot to want, but believe it or not, we found plenty of houses in Portland proper, not the suburbs, that fit this description, and most of them fell in the $170,000 to $250,000 range. That sounds like a lot of money, but we've all taken the time to do a budget as a family, and in three years we'll have approximately $100,000 to pay as a down payment on a house. Even at a 6% interest rate, lord save us, that would put us at a mortgage of about $400 a month, if we did a 20-30 year mortgage. That's less than what we pay now. Its completely feasible.

As if the Spirit has been hinting this at us all along, Sakura's lease on his apartment is up this month. Last week, the renters that we didn't care for in the house next to us moved out. The house will be for rent in a few day's time, and its well within Sakura's price range, especially now that he has a new job. There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. For us, this was a signal that we've got the right idea, and next door is the next best thing to in our house, which we would happily welcome him into now, were it not so effing small. 900 square feet is barely enough for three plus the cats. There's no way any of us would be happy if we added more.

Either way, we spent most of last night looking at homes. We took time to break, study the lesson for this week, and do our meditations. But, for the most part, we talked about our new home. We talked about budgeting, about what kinds of jobs we wanted and expected. We talked about school and financial investments. We talked about living in a child free household. We also daydreamed about box seats at the opera, symphony and ballet. (Yeah, we're snobs) It was a great evening for us, as a family. I feel more at home, happier and more on track. Kitten and I were talking about it Wednesday, that its nice to have people who help keep you on track, who give you perspective, and who push you towards your goals- not roughly, but with gentle love and encouragement. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the big picture. But life is always a matter of how you frame it.

I've got a really beautiful life. I've got a lot of loving people who make life good for me. I'm lucky because when I do move, one of the best women I've ever met and her delightful husband are already waiting for us. The people I love will be coming with me. There's a few I'll be reluctant to leave behind, but that's not saying that over the next three years I can't talk them into coming with us too. As for my future home, I hope that I'll be able to fill it with as much love and laughter as the one I live in now. Those thing have a tendency to multiply, I know, so I don't think it will be too much a challenge.

Lucky, Lucky me. I'll leave the light on and the key out when I get there. You know you're welcome.

AGxx

I'm Going to Need Another Reason To Write You A Love Song Today

For those of you uninterested in a week update, I've got something more interesting about halfway down the post.

Well, St. Patricks day is over and i survived it. Actually, things went really smoothly. I was delighted to get to work with Kitten and Oscelot. It was really nice. We had a good time. Honestly, with them there, it felt like a little family, because I got to bartend with Spice and Shorty was working. I'm looking forward to Cinco de Mayo. It should be a good time.

Speaking of Shorty, her 21st birthday is in a week. I'm really excited for her. I think we're planning on getting a group together and having a night out with her shortly after that. It'll be nice. We'll have a good time. Our little group hangs out at our place quite a bit, but we don't often go out together. It would be nice to go have a good time somewhere that isn't home. Truth be told, the girls and I don't get out to the clubs like we used to. I don't miss it, really, because we have a good time at home, but it will be a nice treat for all of us. Now I just have to think of what the heck I'm going to get her for her birthday and buy it. And Hedgewitch's present. Her birthday was earlier this montha nd I know what I want to get her and I haven't had the chance to get out and buy it yet, and I feel like a terrible friend. I HAVE to get on that soon. Otherwise I'll look even more foolish than I already do.

Spring break is finally over, which means my schedule will return to normal for the first time in a couple of weeks. With our trip to KC and then spring break, my schedule hasn't been what it was. I only had one day off this week. Don't get me wrong, I love the money and I've made plenty of it, but my feet and legs are protesting that they'd like a day to just relax. I agree. Actually, relaxing will probably mean working in the yard, or putting out the new pathway lights be bought, or running around town with Hedgewitch and Flyguy...but that's somehow way less taxing on the body than work is.

Of course, it also means all our newer kids that took off will be back in town after their breaks. I'm waiting to see how many of them complain about being broke after taking a week off. I'll try really hard not to be too cynical. I mean, they are kids, right?

In coven news, Hedgewitch and I are planning Beltane together. I'm really excited because she's helping keep me on track, and I already have great ideas. Beltane this year will be the one year mark for our coven practicing together, and I think its interesting to see hwo we've grown as a group. I appreciated that she was willing to help me out. I've felt a lot of pressure lately concerning the coven, and after talking to her about it, I feel a lot lighter of heart. I feel like I've got a teammate now, and I really like that. Its a good feeling. Plus, having someone else to work with gives me new ideas and a sounding board to work with. I love that. I think creativity is something that is organic, and when you feed it, it grows. Totally appropriate with regards to the Beltane holiday, so I think as the wheel turns again I find myself more and more in tune with the season emotionally.

Yesterday at work we were talking about karaoke. This shouldn't come as a chock to anyone who knows me, but I love to sing. Its a good time. I'm pretty good at it. Its a side of me you don't see anywhere else, so its an experience if you're watching me for the first time. I was joking with Fllyguy, because I had an ex that said they knew they could fall in love with me after they watched me sing for the first time. I always thought that was funny, but I understood it, because I am a different person when you put me on a stage. I am much more...well, Alecya, than I am any other time. When I'm on my own, I might be Sarah the worker, or Sarah the friend, I might be Panther the priestess, or Panther the wife. In all these things I am what I generally am, a little reserved, a little shy, a little unsure...comforting, simple and easygoing, if a little angry sometimes. But when I am singing (or preforming in any capacity, lets be honest) I am Alecya through and through. Gone is self doubt, gone is shyness, gone is any vestige of fear or uncertainty. When i'm there, I am nothing but power, beauty and energy. Mind you, I'm not saying I am beautiful, only that I feel that way. Very much so. It shows. My voice even changes. I've had a lot of people remark that I sound so completely different when I sing than I do any other time, that its almost frightening. Honestly, I think its a little bit cool.

Anyway, the conversation got me thinking, because I was joking with Flyguy that if he would picka Taylor Swift song I would learn it. He's a huge fan of Miss Swift. I'll confess, I had a gigle when I first found out, but now, as a result of his fandom, I've actually discovered I like most of her music. Stop laughing. Anyway. I have a "song" for almost all of my friends, or the people I love. I have songs that I associate with them, and songs that I sing for them. It seems only right I would have one for him. (actually, I am interested to see what Hedgewitch, Shorty and SPice like, because usually the song I end up choosing for a person is not the one that I end up associating with them, so...)

I thought you might be interested in a breif list of songs that remind me of people, or that I sing for them, just because its something different, and I think who you think of when you hear a song says a lot about the person you're thinking of.

For Kitten, I always have a few songs I can't escape with her. I remember the first song she ever sang karaoke was "May I Have this Dance" by Anne Murray. An odd selection, but that's what she choose. Incidentally, it is also the song we had our first dance to at our wedding. I always sing "Alone" by Heart for her. I sang it on our honeymoon in Disney World. I also sang it for the first time the night we ran back into each other three years ago. It has a beauty to me, because I never can say "I never really cared until I met you" without knowing that for me and her, its true.

With Oscelot, I always associate "Independence Day" (pretty sure that's Martina McBride). Its the first song I ever heard her sing, and its my favorite that she does. I used to sing it, but after hearing her do it, I can't ever sing it again. I was amazed at her voice then, as I am now. She also does a really great "Memory" from the musical Cats. I cant hear it without thinking of her. Also, nothings funnier than listening to her sing "Looks 5 Dance 10" from A Chorus Line.

Perpet, who will laugh and knows what's coming, is a completely different story. She and I have relatively diverse music tastes, and somehow the things we listen to are just barely tangent. That said, she and I almost always used to sing Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavinge when we used to go out. I wouldnt say this is because we particularly like her as an artist so much as we're silly, and a little bit bitchy, and its fun to sing with her. I'll always like that song, just because of perpet. Also, I listen to Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and almost always think of her, because she sang it the very last time we went karaoke before she moved away. Appropriately amusing is that she butched the French (you did, love) even though at this point she's damn near conversational in the language. Her husband, Boy, will forver in my mind be singing "Mississippi Queen." No one does that song like Boy.

Hedgewitch, despite our closeness, has not heard me sing since I was a little girl, so I associate most of the songs I hear on her phone with her, which is something I was going to cover in a moment, because I thought it was funny what song she chose for me. I hear a lot of Lion King when she's around, so I associatew that movie's soundtrack with her. Any kind of Middle Eastern or Belly Dance music always turns my thoughts to her as well.

FlyGuy is another instance of someone who has never heard me sing, but whom I associate several songs with. Of course, any time Taylor Swift is on the radio I think of him. Its his fault I like her. For some reason, I think of him every time I hear Adele on the radio too, although I couldn't explain that one if I tried. I think that has something to do with a conversation that's burried in the recesses of my brain that we might have had very early on in our friendship. Also, and god save me, anytime Shaggy is on the radio, It hink of him. I think that's because we were listening to Old School Lunch Hour at work one day and he mentioned he liked one of his songs, and then began a (rather bad) imitation of the song he was trying to describe.

Other random songs that have peple associations?

I think of LifeGuard whenever I hear "Say It Aint So" by Weezer, or anything by the beetles. Except BlackBird, which makes me think of Aravis, in my blogroll. I'm sure he'll understand why, I think of Swisslet every time I listen to Morrissey or the Smiths. He and Aravis also share rotation on the Arctic Monkey's first album "Whatever You think I am, That's What I'm Not." I can't hear "Plus" by STP without thinking of BBD. Rouge still has a full list of song associations, in part because we used to speak in song lyric to eachother at work. Ani DiFranco's "Two Little Girls" and "Loom" come to mind. Anything by Flyleaf, which is something that I'm usnsure would amuse her or irritate her, since that's the album we were listening to right before we had the fight that caused us to fall out for so long. Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" will forever be hers as well. Actually, I was thinking of her the other day and I asked one of the girls at work about her, and she asked me if it was because of the song that was on the radio. I said it wasn't, and that's true, but it did get me thinking about all the songs I associate with her. Funnily enough, Shortyt was saying her posts on Facebook are always really arcane and I laughed, because she has a habit (still) of posting Ani DiFranco sognlyrics when she's in a mood, and I'm probably one of maybe five or si people she knows who listen to her enough to know what she's talking about.

Alas, I could go on forever, and I might continue this theme after work, but I have to put on my uniform and get to it. Today is my last long day of the week.

I hope there's a song in your hear tthis morning, and its one that makes you smile. Incidentally, while you're waiting on the next post about this, what song makes you think of me, if you have one?

AGxx

I Just Want to Thank You

So I'm sitting and relaxing after my first day back at work after two days off. I've got a glass of Rumchata and Gaslight Anthem is playing. I'm pretty happy.

We had a good time on our trip. The ride down was a little rough for me, I had a headache, but I slept most of the way, so I fet better after we got to the hotel and I got some food in me. Instead of going to the lovely mcCoy's Public House where we normally eat we went to Joe's Pizzeria, which was deicious, even if they didn't have public bathrooms.

The bar we went to for the concert was interesting. There was definately a big Yuppie crowd. I saw a lot of artful layering of cashmeres and high end peasant looks on the ladies. The men were rocking the campy glasses and $200 flannels. It was...interesting. Fortunately, the food was amazing and the bartenders were awesome.

The opening act was local and honestly, she left a lot to be desired. We were sitting directly at the bar, about as far as you could get from the stage. It wasn't too far, really, we could still see and hear everything. I ignored her after I discovered she was awful and rather boring. The main act, Katie Herzig, was great. We haven't seen her preform since right before we started dating Oscleot. She's really matured as an artist, and I loved the show. She's got a little more edge than the last time we saw her. It was a great show. Afterwards she hung around and talked to everyone. We chatted her and her guitarist Jordan up, and it was a good time. They posed for pictures, which was really nice. We now have all four of her albums with her signature, which is cool, because inevitably, she'll get big and we won't be able to do that anymore. It happened with Brandi Carlile. We're just waiting for it to happen with her.

The hotel was an experience. We were on the top floor and the wind was so strong it was pretty scary. Kitten and I shared a bed and Oscleot shared one with Precious, Kitten's best friend. She was a bit of a pain in the ass this trip. She had too much to drink, wound up hungover and sleeping through breakfast. She's a picky eater, so she didn't like her lunch. We finally broke down and got her some sonic on the way home, because we couldn't deal anymore.

We spent the afternoon hanging out with Cat, Kitten's sister, who is moving away this week to the wilds of Wisconsin. We won't see her for a while, so it was nice to spend a little time with her too. Her and Brother took us to a great cafe that only used locally sourced ingredients. Lunch was awesome. We went flea marketing and hit the local bookstore. All and all a good time.

Back to work today and it was nice and easy. Oscleot is coming back to Casa Bueno a few days a week to make some extra money. It will be nice to have a leg up when Kitten leaves and even better to have some cash socked back for all of our secret suprise rennovation projects, which look like they're going to be easy, because all of our friends are volunteering to help. I just have to talk Flyguy into helping me lay some hardwood floors. I think he'll do it. I just want a manly type to help me weild the saw. They make me nervous, even after all these years.

I was chatting with Mrs Boss today and we got to talking about teas, and then projects for the house, and the hours for Oscleot and she made mention something that totally suprised me. I might have mentioned that Kitten is coming on board at Casa Bueno to bus tables for our upcoming holidays because we are so busy and totally short staffed at the moment. I guess she was talking to our Kitchen Manager and she told me her and Mr Boss agreed with her that Kitten deserves a fair shake at looking for a new job when she comes back. We've been stressed since Kitten will have to quit at the Happy Waffle to do the internship. That leaves her unemployed when she comes back. Today the bosses told us that if she wants, until she finds a job in the HVAC industry, she has a job waiting for her at Casa Bueno working in the kitchen. It wwas a huge relief. I have the best bosses in the world. Its nice to know they're looking out for my family. I appreciated it. I fortunately managed to to cry when she told me. Its a huge relief. I have a lot less to worry about now.

I keep thinking lately about my life. I'm a lucky woman. I love my life.

AGxx

They Will Stop at Nothing Once They Know What You Are Worth

Well, the month is half over and I've been a very lazy poster, haven't I?

I suppose part of it is there hasn't been anything terribly interesting to report, honestly. Work is work as usual. Life goes on. Kitten starts school this week and I'll be missing having a couple days off with her. Even with such a short break, I did get used to taking time to spend with her during the week. I keep promising myself that this semester I'm going to try and be a better partner and help her keep the stress levels down. I want to make sure she takes time for herself, because the strain of full time work and school is a lot to handle.

Speaking of school, I am thinking about the fall semester now. By the time it rolls around my student loan payments should be out of default. I entered the rehabilitation program, which means a higher payment (about $100 more, actually) but it also means I'll have my credit restored, which I am looking forward to. Then I can get student loans and grants again, which will make it much easier to go back to school. If I have to work less, which I'm hoping I won't, I will be able to still make some sort of contribution to our household without the fear of putting us into the red.

Incidentally, Kitten's birthday is this week too. I haven't gotten her a present, because I don't know what to get her. Also, she says she doesn't need anything. *sigh* aint it always the way? I have a hard time shopping for her, so I'm trying to think of something small and thoughtful so she'll know I love her without her feeling like I am going overboard.

I should mention, I think, we've spent the last couple of weeks renting movies. Its not something we normally do, but we've been getting a kick out of it. I made the girls watch Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, because they hadn't seen it. I like it, and I keep trying to remember I need to get a copy of the book because I want to reread it. I don't think they cared for it much, although I'm pretty sure that movie was where my love of Kevin Spacey was born. No, I'm not saying its his best flick- just the one where I realized I liked him as an actor.

We watched Final Destination 4, which I could rant about for days. I know the 5th one just hit DVD and honestly, I don't know that I care to see it. It was excessively and stupidly gory, which isn't scary. Let's be honest- the plot of all of the movies are the same, so you're just trying to figure out how the person is going to die. A lot of the time, its completely improbable, sometimes almost impossible, and for me the ability to suspend disbelief only stretches so far.

Kitten had us watch a movie called Cutting Edge. It was pretty cute. I won't lie. I actually put my book down at watched it.

It was my turn again, and we picked up The River Wild, because Oscelot had never seen it. I love Kevin Bacon as a baddie. Seriously. This was the first movie I saw him as a villain in. It was a fun one to rewatch. Also, Meryl Streep in a swimsuit? Never a bad thing. Ever.

Last night we watched the first Terminator, because (again) Oscelot had never seen it. She didn't like it. Kitten and I of course were really into it. Its a classic. We're planning on getting T2 and Rise of the Machines to watch later in the week. We'll have to find some time when Oscelot isn't around, though, since she disliked the first one so much. I'm pretty sure she said something to the effect of "Arnold Schawtzenegger is ugly, and this movie has a stupid plot." To each their own, I suppose.

Hedgewitch came over on Thursday and I made soup because we had our first snow and soup is always nice when its snowing. We watched Flashdance, and the girls rolled their eyes at our peanut gallery remarks. They'd never seen it. I have to say, I remember the dancing being better and the plot a little tighter than it was this time around. Maybe I was just distracted by all the flesh when I was younger. Or I didn't care. I'm not sure which. I think Kitten is sick of me giggling and saying "Hey- don't you want some pizza?" and then batting my eyes at her. I have to confess, I laid off only long enough to beg Flyguy to send her that quote via text message. I laughed so hard when she got it. It was delightful.

I should add, if you have a lovely classic (even cheezy) movie you feel like we should put on the list, by all means leave me a note, because I've been enjoying the rewatch. Really. I think work started it, because our new music system kept playing songs from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and OScelot said she hadn't seen it, so I went and bought the anniversary edition, because honestly, I love that movie. I don't care if its silly. And the dancing is nice. I keep thinking how I'd like to learn more ballroom...

The weather here has been, well, erratic. I won't lie. Last Wednesday Kitten and I had a free day and it was in the high 50's- low 60's so we went to the zoo. It was such a nice time. We had a really good time, and the animals were really active. Most were still out in their enclosures, except the animals that can only tolerate a very warm climate. We got to see quite a bit. But, you'll recall, the next day I made soup, because that night it snowed. Like, an inch. And it kept snowing throughout the day. Today we were back into the fifties. Its supposed to be sixty tomorrow and then freeze again by Wednesday. Pathetic. I wish it would just go ahead and be winter so I can stop thinking about how nice the sunshine looks. I'm not normally subject to cabin fever, I normally like darker, rainy weather...but this off again on again warm weather is making me stir crazy.

I suppose I also ought to mention my ire over the whole girl scout cookie protest thing, although I think most of my friends have covered it in their blogs. If you're not familiar: there is a girl scout in California leading a cookie buying boycott because some troop in Colorado allowed a transgendered 7 year old female child into the troop. Honestly? I'll buy cookies this year and I'll tell the local troops that I support that Colorado troop and its why I'm buying them. I mean, how dare a group dedicated to the growth and development of young American women teach tolerance and respect? It baffles the mind. What made me most angry is that this little California girl says the one in Colorado is exploiting her sexuality to get cookie sales. Sad. Seriously sad. In part because I gurantee this child is spouting ideas that her parents gave her, because at that age she can't possibly understand transgendered politics, gender identity or sexual exploitation enough to make a determination as to what someone her own age is doing. Hell, I'm a grown adult who still struggles with the intricacies of those ideas. And I'm not supid. I'm a pretty sharp lady. Moreover, as the partner of a trandgendered person, I can verify that this child likely has no choice in their gender identity. Its likely this young that she was born intersexed. This is something she can help. Its fortunate for her that there are troops out there open minded enough to accept her. She's even luckier that she has loving parents who support her, and help her to grow in the gender she most identifies with. I'll get off my soap box, but it seems to me like there's something wrong with the world when little girls are accusing one another of personally choosing to exploit their sex to sell cookies.

Yeah, that's about me for now. I'm feeling a long, rambling, useless post coming on. The type you'll probably skim because its drivel, but you know...go where the muse leads you...

It always works for me.

Love you all
AGxx

I Want to Let It Go and Go For It

This is a picture of me, earlier in the week. Its also a picture of me at my most relaxed this week. Hooray for pool time.

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Seriously. I don't think I've been this tired in a long time. I was tired enough this afternoon that when the girls went out to go play around town i stayed home, pleading a nap. I was actually so tired I couldn't sleep. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes there were a million thoughts running through my head. None of them were relaxing.

I am immensly grateful that Sakura had us over to go swimming this week because I think I might have lost my mind if I hadn't. Work has been stressful. I was training all week. We have three new servers at Casa Bueno, and I'm one of the few trainers, so I had the immense pleasure of working with two of them almost every day. I think I've mentioned before, I don't really care for strangers, so having a stranger follow me around all day, and me having to talk to them and make a personal connection is more than a little taxing. Monday I was training a new guy, and I honestly didn't think he liked me all that much. He was pretty quiet, and trying to get information out of him was like trying to get through an airport in a suit made of razor blades. I had him again Friday night, and honestly, once he came out of his shell, he was great. I actually like him.

Wednesday I got to train our new sweet girl. She was helpful and nice and kind. The problem was, we were busy. Really busy. Trainees slow you down no matter how competent and awesome they are. To add stress to an already tense situation, our reigonal manager (who also happens to be the VP of our entire corporation) was visiting, and sitting right next to my incredibly full section, watching me get my ass kicked and try to teach this poor girl something at the same time. I was relatively vindicated that he told me afterwards I was a great trainer, and then went and bragged on me to my boss. I needed the ego boost.

I picked up a shift Thursday night so I could have a chance to make some money without a trainee attached to my hip. It was a relatively good night. Except I pissed off our hostess. She never says much to me, and to be honest, out of all of them I like her the least. She asked to bum a cigarette from me. I told her no, I wouldn't give her one, because she's sixteen. She asked me what my point was. I rolled my eyes and walked off. If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.

I worked a double yesterday. In the morning I was sans trainee, so I had a decent day. We were busy, I had a good time. I also happened to have a good friend texting me, and it kept me in a plesant mood. Well, it did when I had the chance to sneak off and check my phone. I trained again last night. It was fine, we weren't busy anyway. To tell the truth, I don't think he learned much, we spent a lot of the evening just chatting.

Today I woke up in a hurry because Oscelot had to run to the bank before we hit work, and its the hardest day of the week to open the store. We worked hard, my customers were...well, I could have liked them better. The new local smoking ban also started today, so no smoking on the clock. This sucked. Other resturants, including Kitten's Happy Waffle, let people sneak outside to smoke. Nope, we just don't get to anymore. By two thirty I was itching. Hopefully I will get over it, and learn to cut back. Hopefully. But its over, and tomorrow is a new day. I also get to go back to work tomorrow night and begin manager training. I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday morning before I went into work we went out of town with Kitten's mom to go see a local tourist attraction. It was about an hour drive, but we had a good time. We went and saw this stage show featuring housepets that do tricks. It was pretty cool. The cats did all sorts of things I now want mine to do (fat chance) and were completely adorable. They also had a bunch of birds that did fun stuff like ride bicycles, play basketball, you know...cheezy stuff that's fun to watch. I like birds, so it was neat to see them up close anyway. I really enjoyed it. We also stopped off at my favorite restaurant in the downtown and had lunch. I ate until I was literally sick to my stomach. So, totally worth the trip.

I've also worked on my new novel twice this last week. While I am not making a ton of progress, the fact that I've worked on it at all is good. I'm struggling through the hard parts now. I would be avoiding it with my typical flair if it weren't for my favorite genre writer, Laurel K Hamilton. She released her 20th book in the Anita Blake series last week and got to do a guest blog on the Borders website in honor of it. One day she was talking about the blank page and leaping head first into your manuscript, trusting that you and your characters will catch you. I had to make the decision that I trust myself, and the people I am writing, enough to make mistakes that can be fixed later. I have to trust my betas and my friends to point out where I go wrong, once I finally get it finished. The thing is, if I don't finish...I'll never know. I've got to get back on the horse.

So this week I've been facing my big fear in writing-human emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have a complete and total disconnect to the way people really think and feel. To me its important that not only the writing be organic, but the emotion be natural too. So I've sat and dreaded what I'm about to do to my characters, and I've contemplated how they feel and how they will react. I've written a little, and I've thought a lot. Now I have to dive in, completely let go, and trust that I can capture the feeling on the page. It takes a lot of faith in yourself to do that. I think I can. No- I know I can. Even if I have to work at it.

I know where my story is going. I know where my characters end up. I know what they are thinkign and how. Now all I have to do is get it on the paper. With so few chapters left, I think if I really push myself, I could be done by the end of June or early July, which gives me time this summer to tear it to shreds and rewrite it a few times. If I work at it. Someone is going to have to keep after me. But if I have someone there to do it for me, and I can find the will inside myself, I think I can have this thing polished and ready to go by the end of the year. That's the goal anyway.

Speaking of goals, Oscelot and I were talking when we went skating this week, and I think there's a possibility of me hitting the books, just a little, in a year or so. I could at least take a few classes, get back in the swing, and start working again. I would love it. I have so many friends that are getting close to their degrees, and they talk about how sick of school they are and all I can think is how jealous I am. I've been really contemplating it- how far I want to go, what I will do for money that isn't writing books, what job I could get and what jobs I might want. I've been working on the ideas for masers and doctoral papers, what I would want to discuss, what I would want to specialize in. Its exciting. Its a beautiful thought, that this dream might actually happen for me. Of course, thinking about it means I worry about it, so I try to only daydream it from time to time.

There are possibilities now, though, that weren't there a few days ago. It makes me really happy.

I'm exhausted. Its time for me to sleep. I wanted to tell you all about how we gave our cats their summer bath tonight, but I'll have to save it for another day.

Here's to living the dream (and for once, I'm not being sarcastic) This coming week, take a moment, think about what you really, really want. If its within reach, if you can work for it, go for it. Take those first steps. And if I can, as your blogger pal, do anything to encourage you or help you, tell me. Some of you have been with me a long time. We've been working for the things we want for years. Your support, your friendship, have driven me through some seriously bad stuff. Your support and friendship have seen me through that first novel. You'll see me through my second. And hopefully through them all.

I love you all.

Live the dream.

Seriously.

AGxx

Also, you might notice, I have two new people in my blogroll. Gayle is an excellent writer friend of mine, whom is very dear to me, and also bery talented. And very published. (I couldnt be prouder to be her friend) She writes about her writing. You'll like it. Especially if you write. New Pound Glory is one of our local rollergirls. She's a rookie, and learning to live the derby dream. She's also learning balance, hard work, tough adult choices, and how to reach for the things you want. I just recently stumbled on her blog. She's a fantastic read.