Make A Wish For Better Days, The End Of Hard Times

When I sat down to dinner tonight I actually took a moment to look around my kitchen, which has a lot of open air shelves around it, and take stock of all the food we have hanging around our house. When I added it up in my head, along with all of the other food we have in the cabinets that do have doors I did a quick estimation and discovered that if I still had running water I could feed our family for almost three months on what I have in our cabinets right at this moment. Then I recalled how when Kitten asked me what I wanted for dinner I thought to myself, "do we even have anything in the house to eat?" and I felt a terrible sense of shame wash over me.

I don't make much a secret of the fact that when I was young and still living in my parents home, we didn't have a whole lot. For whatever reason (and I honestly don't know what it is) we never seemed to have enough to make ends meet. We were certainly lower middle class at best. I remember clothes, until I was in high school, came from my great aunt, my grandmother and at Christmas and Easter. When I was older and I had a job, I bought from thrift stores. We received Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter baskets from churches and charities and I remember them as being a big part of the excitement of the holidays for me, outside of our family gatherings. I don't know exactly to what extent my extended family helped to support us. I have a heavy suspicion that most of my activity fees were paid for by my grandparents.

Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstance, we didn't have a lot. Now, I think about how much I do have and how often I truly take it for granted. I know I do. I mean, I thank Kitten frequently for the hard work she does, and Oscelot too, to make sure that we have food and shelter. We have a decent vehicle. We are all well clothed and well cared for. We get to take trips to fun places on occasion, when we save for it, and they are always special times for us. But on a day to day basis I think sometimes I forget how well off I really am.

Its easy, I suppose. We don't live on an upscale side of town. Our house is probably (okay, is) a little cramped. Its not new, in fact, its about a hundred years old. Our truck isn't fancy, its got a lot of mileage on it. We don't eat out all the time. Whenever its time to get new clothes, we still hit the thrift stores first. Of course, we like the thrift stores...it might be ingrained in all of us by now. Whenever our computer broke down earlier this year and we had to buy a new one, Kitten was genuinely distressed and when the coffee pot (a nice one, one of our few true indulgences) followed shortly after, I remember how upset Kitten was that we were going to drop another 100 bucks for a pot that would probably only last another five years or so.

Still, we don't live paycheck to paycheck. We have a savings account. A couple of them, actually, and we are planning to have more set by in the future. We never want for food. We always have clothes. Our bills are paid on time and we never have to worry about having a roof over our heads or utilities or any other the other things that plagued me when I was younger. In fact, beautiful blessing that it is, for the first time since I was 15 I am voluntarily unemployed and we are still doing okay. We cut back here and there, but we still make it fine.

I say this because I notice lately (and this was brought to my attention by a dear friend of mine) that an alarming amount of the people I know seem really unaware of how lucky they truly are. They are almost always complaining about money and it seems to me that they don't know how good they have it. It frustrates me. I'm not saying I could step into their circumstances and do any better...but I think sometimes they could do better for themselves. I grow tired of people I know complaining they don't have enough money to pay bills when they've just bought a house, or a brand new car (when they could have gotten two decent used ones for the price). I get angry when I have friends bemoaning the fact they can't go do such and such or join in a big vacation because they just spent a ton of money on some other frivolous thing and now they have to buckle down and take care of necessity. To me, you take care of the needs first, and the wants second.

The sheer extravagance of some people I know blows my mind. They complain when they don't get to eat name brands from the store, or when they have to order less than they might want when they go out to dinner because filet mignon is getting pricey. People who eat out every day for lunch and complain when they have to cut back on other things. I think to myself, "pack a lunch."

I know it sounds judgmental  But you're talking to a person who grew up thinking desert (which we have about once a week in my home now, because we're spoiled) was for holidays, birthdays and special occasions. When I was a child The Olive Garden was a seriously fancy place to eat- you dressed up. I learned, both from my mom and my grandparents, how to feed a family a decent meal for next to nothing. Take Lunchables- those decadent schoolday lunch treats- for what one of those costs, to this day I can feed my family a good dinner. And a healthy one. Dinner at McDonalds? I can feed my family for that too. In fact, most coven nights, my goal is to feed my entire coven and well for about $2 a person. Most the time, I come in well under the count. So to me, when someone I know is complaining they don't have any money for food, I think "let me show you how much you can really get for that twenty bucks."

I'm not saying I don't have friends who are in real need. I do. I admire them all the time, because they are making the best of their circumstances and working hard to better their lives. They (as a general rule) don't complain and don't fuss. They do the best with what they have and they never ask for help. But a lot of the time, I think of all the days I spent as a child and in my first year on my own. I think of how I could make $5 turn into dinner for a week (no matter how boring it might get!) and how I knew the feeling, all that time ago, of being hungry, or of worrying there wouldn't be a roof over my head. I remember not having a roof over my head and wondering how the hell I was going to make it better for me. I remember wearing clothes that didn't fit or that were threadbare. I remember making do when there was nothing to be done about it. I think of all the times I passed up things I wanted because I knew I was choosing between that fun thing and helping my family put food on the table. And I think to myself that maybe some of the people I know would have benefited from that experience. The knowing what it is like to really, truly want. To be without.

I would never wish it on anyone I know, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I want to scream when I have a friend who says "Oh yeah, Twinkies were a real treat in my house too. We weren't all that well off growing up either. We were poor too," as we drive away from the quarter million dollar home they grew up in. I hate when someone I know complains about how old their car is when it was manufactured within the last five years. The truck we drive was made when I was a sophomore in high school. The car we have (currently waiting for permanently warm weather so we can fix an oil leak) was made the year I was born. People who tell me they never went anywhere fun, but then tell me all about their childhood trips to New York and Hawaii and Europe, irritate the hell out of me.

Maybe I need to work more on my sense of compassion. Maybe if I grew up with more I would feel deprived too. But I don't. I can't. There's some part of me, always, thinking of the thrill I felt when I got my very own brand new Barbie doll from a Christmas basket and I didn't even have time to be upset about the fact she was a brunette and not a blonde because I was already plotting in my head how I could get scrap fabric from my grandma to make her a nice new dress. There's some part of me that remembers the terror of high school when the groups I was involved in (paid for, by the way, by my nearly full time after school job) would adopt a family from a charity around town and I was just praying to God it wasn't mine, because I knew I wouldn't want to face the pity and scorn of my classmates. There's a part of me that remembers that I would save my lunch money or my clothes money when they did this, and I would go without because I wanted to contribute too, and there was something inside me that had to believe that there was someone out there I could help- even if it wasn't myself. It is this person, the one who knew hungry and homeless and hopeless, that the people I knew wakes up inside me. There is a part of her that screams aloud when I hear them speak, and I listen to her as she tells me all she could be doing with the money they are wasting, to keep her family fed and sheltered.

Hearing her, remembering my own shame and fear, makes me angry. It makes me angry with them. And it makes me angry with myself, because I experience every day a life I didn't have when I was growing up. I wake up, every day, knowing I will be able to eat. That I will be warm. That I will be safe and comfortable. I wake up to love and hope and a future that, while was not what I dreamed of then, is far more than I could ever have hoped for or deserved, had I known what to ask for in my ignorance.

Tonight I am aware of my own hope that I never allow myself to fall into that complacency again. To forget those things is a step to losing what I have- not just the physical, but the emotional fortitude and strength that it took to bring me to this place where I can look back and say, Thank God, I will never feel that way again.

AGxx

How many roads must a man walk down?

I know I've been really quiet on here recently. I promise that's not been intentional. I've had a spate of what you might call ill luck recently. I finished up at alphabet soup office but not before catching that nasty thing that was going around the office. I didn't get it as bad as some of the others, but I spent a good long while fighting it. On top of that I've managed a cold, the flu and food poisoning (bad chicken- ick!). Afterwards, my modem crashed and I had to wait a week while my ISP sent me a new one. Good times. And that's on top of work, plus having three novels I'm beta reading, and trying to edit my own and write a new one.

So I've been busy.

Things are coming along though. I've started a new novel. I think I'm going to enjoy writing it. I've also gotten back in touch with my betas and I feel a lot better about my work now that I'm trying to catch up.

The coven is nice and active, and I've been having a good time planning lessons and watching everyone make progress. We have a new member who is working to become a magician, not a witch, and she has done a lot to spur the group to greater heights. If I can say anything, its that everyone in our group is subtly competitive and having a new face who's a classic type A overachiever has pushed them.

I'm glad my job at ABC is done, because frankly, even though the work wasn't challenging I spent a lot of time feeling like my brains were leaking out my ears by the end of the day. Some of it was the monotony. Some of it was my inability to do anything without having to stop and ask someone if I could do it, or what I could or couldn't keep. There was a general air of procrastination in that office that made me a little bit nuts. Not to mention, because I don't have a MA or a BA it felt a lot of the time like everyone assumed I wasn't as intelligent as they were. Now, you and I know that isn't true, but its difficult not to get a complex when you spend day after day with people who assume that you are only good for blue collar work. Not that there's anything wrong with blue collar work, but in a white collar office...yeah. I did meet some really nice people, though, and hopefully I will get to keep in touch with them. I'll also miss seeing Kmom every day.

Fortunately, I get to spend all of next week with her and a good part of the next two after that as well. We're remodeling her kitchen and I think it will be an interesting project for sure. It will be a nice change of pace, though I'm already considering what it will do to my schedule. I was laughing yesterday because my mom was saying how nice it must be to be unemployed and have nothing to do again. I told her that I just had three full time jobs now, not four. Because I consider my housewifey-ness a job, the coven is definitely a job and I've got editing work to do on top of trying to write a novel and get the other one ready for publication. Oh, and the thing with Kmom. So I know I'll have my plate full for the next couple of months.

As soon as I finish that up Kitten will be graduating. I am so proud I can't even think. I know we're trying to plan a little party, and even my great aunt is coming down from KC to come watch her walk. I don't think she knows how important it is to my family that she's graduating. We're all so proud of her. And as soon as that's all over I'll be taking off for two weeks to the wilds of South Carolina.

Yeah, I'm barely getting time to grab my breath.

So what have all of you been up to?
AGxx

I Just Want to Bang On The Drum All Day

So I'm starting week two of the temp job at Alphabet Soup and so far things are still pretty boring.

I may have mentioned it last post, but last week I spent most of the week going through a list of nearly (I checked today)650 client files that needed to be cataloged and destroyed. For all I was concerned that I might be under-qualified to work in this office, the most I ever did was pick up a highlighter and mess around in Excel. Though, to be honest, I think I spent an equal amount of time simply watching or trying to figure out exactly what goes on in the office. Not exactly challenging stuff.

Today I came to a startling revelation- I think some of the people in the office think I'm an idiot. Not in that "they're so much more genius than I am way" but more of a "should we let her use the copier" kind of way. Come to think of it, I've never seen the copier if they have one. Hmmm. I came to this conclusion after realizing that the other temp Katy Kaye (I love the alliteration in her real name, so I'm keeping it up here) is working on scanning and messing around with the other stuff on the computer while I sit in the floor of my boss's office destroying files (what I did most of the day today). Apparently, Katie is much smarter than me, if she gets to mess with payroll and grant work and stuff. I'd be offended except I truly don't care and honestly, we're being paid the same as temps, so I'm getting off rather easy, aren't I? Plus, I like organizational work. And I got to start that this afternoon when I finished all my cross-referencing. Again, though, Boss seemed surprised that I was able to complete the list on Excel so fast (good grief, it was just deleting stuff) and impressed that I thought to make an index of all the files I am packing away while I do it, so that they are easily located. Almost insulting, but I'll let it go.

There was also that moment when Paper Factory, another one of the higher up types, came into Boss's office to do some work with her. While she stepped out PF asked me if I was normally a student at the university. I looked up long enough to tell her no, I was normally a house wife, and then went back to my task. She made a noise somewhere between a confused grunt and a squeak of disdain. I let it pass. She (from what I can tell) thinks she's pretty hot stuff already. There's no point in me trying to impress her with other jobs I've had or my wonderful mental or organizational skills. She's going to assume Kmom got me the job whether I was qualified or not. She's pretty well right anyway. After all, I did and she did.

I'm looking forward to another few days of packing things away. I'm not terribly sure what I'll do after that, but I'm sure they can come up with something. They've got a lot on their plates.

In other news, Kitten's birthday celebration was nice. We played Bingo, and even though none of us won it was fun. I got to talk to some of Kitten's coworkers outside of work, and they all seem pretty nice. She had a good time, and that's really what means something, right?

I've still not heard back on my book yet, but I suppose I should keep being patient. I also got a new computer last week, so I'm having a good time adjusting to my new keyboard and having internet that runs at a normal speed. Its pretty cool. Its been very useful as I search for fun places for us to go see while we're in South Carolina. I can't wait for that vacation. Although, I think my mom is a little panicked now that she knows we've decided to go whitewater rafting on the Chattooga River. I think it will be awesome. My mom thinks I'll be coming home in a pine box. I'm more concerned with the fact that SC seems to have the highest concentration, with the greatest variety, of poisonous snakes in the US. Good times. The state park at Myrtle Beach actually has a warning that there are so many copperheads that you should never wear open toes shoes. Even in the water. Creepy.

Otherwise, life seems to be going on normally. Nothing earth shattering here.

Anything fun going on with you all?

AGxx

It Must Be True, I Read It In The Daily Mail

As a writer and avid reader I am always interested in how people (and media) view the literary world.   Most of the people who know me as a writer and reader know that I read a lot of reviews, that I am pretty in touch with the literary community at large. There isn't a whole lot that surprises me anymore. However, this article by The UK Daily Mail really threw me for a loop.

Now, because I am all about source material, I suggest you take a moment to read it. Go on. I'll wait. Back? Sweet. For those of you who know that I'm going to surmise the article and didn't read it- bravo. It says, in essence, that there is a disturbing trend in Young Adult (YA) literature of books that involve harsh and realistic situations in teen life-- suicide, self-harm, terminal illness, etc. It further says that these books have a harmful effect on their readers, that children will read them and be emotionally damaged by them. Not only that, but they are more likely to engage in self-harm, suicide attempts and inappropriate sexual behaviors. It cites several young adult books, though the two most often referenced are The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It is a cautionary style article that almost reads as an open letter to parents and educators warning of the dangers of what they call "sick lit." Let your kids read this, it says, and they'll turn in to sexual deviants, drug users, cutters- they'll even try to kill themselves. Stuff like this, they say, is just too depressing. Especially since these books are being marketed to12 year olds.

I completely disagree with this article. Completely and whole-heartedly. In part, I think this sort of opinion treats young adults as though they are stupid, mindless lemmings. The idea that just because a teen reads about a character committing suicide means they'll want to is silly. Give the kids some credit. While you're handing out that credit, give them some for being able to handle emotionally difficult situations. By the time you are twelve you've likely had some sort of real-life experience dealing with grief, suffering, unhappiness, sex, poverty or low self-esteem. They know what sex is. They know what cancer is. If they've even caught a glimpse of the television they know there are bad things in the world. They aren't morons. Young people are usually far more observant that adults give them credit for. Moreover, I think there's been some sort of disconnect, because I don't know that they're technically paying attention to the difference between Middle Grade literature, YA12+ literature and YA14+ literature, all of which have very different content.

Laying those things aside, though, I'd like to know why it is the Daily Mail feels that other YA books  might be preferable to the ones they object to because they are too "real life" for the kids to handle? I think there's a strong argument to be made, using their logic, that you shouldn't let children read at all. Let's work with this theory that kids are gullible and they can be emotionally damaged by what they read. Let's also agree they might choose to act out in a particular manner because they identify with a character. Running with these assumptions, lets look at other popular YA books and see how they might affect the children.

Let's just jump in with the most obvious. Harry Potter (JK Rowling). Great, intelligent, healthy books- right? Heavens no. Harry Potter teaches children to subvert authority. Harry, Hermione and Ron are constantly breaking rules and disrespecting authority figures and they are constantly rewarded for it. It teaches them that its okay to do bad things if your parents do it too. Draco Malfoy makes out like a bandit at the end of the series, no nevermind that he's responsible for the deaths of several people, the mauling of Bill Weasley and any other number of bad things that happen throughout the books. It teaches our kids that smart people like Hermione, Luna and Ginny are really only worth having around if you can get something out of them or if they're good looking. What's that you say? Harry Potter teaches kids witchcraft? Oh, well, let's just abandon them for something more suitable.

How about Twilight? (Stephanie Meyer) That's a popular YA book. Here's a nice healthy love story about a girl who falls for a good looking guy. She likes him even though he treats her like crap. She likes him even though he's emotionally manipulative and controlling. We'll just ignore the fact that he wants to kill her at first. Or that he's almost 100 years older than her. Or that he's dead. Barring those things, Twilight also teaches us that it is okay to lie to our parents. They're probably overbearing- what with the caring about us and wanting us to be safe and all. It teaches us that it is okay to take unnecessary and stupid risks for the people we love, especially when they've done something stupid that puts their life in danger. Moreover, it teaches us that if the boy/girl we like doesn't like us back, or dumps us, its okay to act like life is over. I mean, there's nothing to life as a teenager outside of having a boy/girlfriend. Right? And those people who actually love you, who want to take care of you, who want to make you feel like you're the most special person ever? Screw them. They don't understand who you really are. Oh, you don't like Twilight either? Too much vampire and werewolf action? Let's move on then.

How about The Hunger Games Trilogy (Suzanne Collins)?  Now there is a cultural phenomenon. I hear a lot of schools are assigning it to their students to read. Well, they shouldn't. First off, this is a post-democracy North America. We should never suggest to teenagers that there might come a time when democracy is not the accepted world-wide governing standard. Also, this book is set after ice-caps melt and nuclear weapons have been used. That's too upsetting to the kids. We don't want them to think about the social or political or environmental consequences of their actions. That's too upsetting for them. Worse, this is a book where kids kill other kids. Yes, I am aware that the main characters will die if they don't kill the other kids. It doesn't matter. Killing is wrong and they should take the high road. Reading this will cause children to think it is acceptable to kill people. Worse, it will breed in them the desire to use weapons. It will. What's worse, one of the heroes (Haymich) is an alcoholic. It glorifies drinking. And it paints an undesirable picture of people who want to live in comfort, and who care about fads and fashion.  These books clearly are trying to impart socialist lessons that are anti-consumer culture. We can't have that. This book also blatantly glorifies sexuality. Katniss and two different boys kiss. Sometimes more than once. And Katniss and Peeta sleep together in the same bed, even. The end of the series is also wildly inappropriate. All of that death and war is upsetting, and Katniss being medicated with the future equivalent of Morphine tells children its okay to use drugs, even prescription ones, to deal with depression. They will eventually draw the conclusion that using drugs for other purposes is okay. Didn't you see how they painted the morphlings from District 6 in a completely sympathetic light?

Perhaps the problem with these books is that they're too recent. We should address the classics we read when we were growing up. There was nothing upsetting in those books. I mean, nothing that would scar a child like these current ones do...

Except that the March girls in Little Women (Alcott) are poor. And Beth dies. And several times in the book its rather implied that they're on the brink of starvation. In Hiedi (Spyri)  one of the main characters is a cripple. Ditto The Secret Garden (Hodgeson-Burnett). On top of that, it teaches children its okay to be brats if you're ill or you've had bad things happen to you. Good lord, A Little Princess (also by Burnett) teaches children that if you're smart and good and well behaved and rich you'll be well loved, but that if you are smart and good and well behaved and poor you'll be mistreated and you'll live an unhappy life because of it. Woodsong (Paulsen) is far too graphic with animal violence and only teaches children escapism- what kind of person actually lives in the woods and raises dogs for sled racing? No normal person. You definitely can't let them read fairy tales. Not the real ones! They're graphic, violent and full of inappropriate language and witchcraft and such. I'd tell you to let them see the clean, Disney versions of them, but since Disney loves gay people, we can't have that either.

Yes, indeed, children's literature is clearly unhealthy. What we really need is to get back to good old-fashioned morals.  Children should read the Bible. After all, the Bible has no graphic violence, sexism, racism, or blatant sexuality. Nope, none at all. Wait- what? It does? Well, hell.

I think its clear, then, what has to be done. We can't let children read anymore. Nope. Can't do it. If we do there's no getting around it, our children will be damaged. Or so goes the logic of the UK Daily Mail.

Honestly, I read a lot as a child. Not just the books I mentioned (well, the classics, the others hadn't been published yet.) but many others. I wasn't scarred by The Goosebumps books(Stein). Sweet Valley High (Pascal) had no effect on my burgeoning sexuality or my self esteem. I was not irreparably damaged when I read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Schwartz). The Boxcar Children (Warner) didn't make me want to run away.  The first time I stumbled across a romance novel at 13 I didn't immediately run out and have sex. I wasn't scarred by the trials and tribulations of Laura Ingalls Wilder in her Little House series. Carolyn Keene's Nancy Drew made me no more nosy than I already was. James and The Giant Peach (Dahl) didn't cause me to cuss, or want to run away, it didn't make me afraid of bugs. Honestly the only effect that book had on me at the time was a propensity to try a rhyme all of my words and sing like the bugs. By the time I was in 4th grade I was checking out books from the Jr. High side of my school's library. I remained unscathed. As I got older I branched into more adult, more graphic books. I've survived all of those as well.

Here's the thing, children are generally aware of the world around them. Give them a chance and they'll surprise you. Its amazing what they learn, what they absorb and their capacity for compassion, love and internalizing the life lessons that books like the ones I mentioned teach. Literature is a tool in which writers reach out to the world. Sometimes it is to make a connection, to teach a lesson or to share an experience. But all of those reasons contribute to our world view as we read. All of them give us the ability to live through others, to experience that which might never happen to us, or give us the opportunity to see that we are never quite as alone in our trials and sufferings as we think we are.

As a child, books were one of my greatest companions. I came from a broken home. I had an alcoholic, abusive father. My mother, bless her, worked all the time to support us and was often from home. By the time I was the age of a YA14+ reader I knew all about terminal illnesses, death, sexual abuse and poverty. I'd seen through other school mates first hand what drugs, violence and alienation could do to a person. I knew what it was like to be poor, a little strange, and unpopular. Through all of this, though, I read. And I read. And I read. I was in seventh grade the first time I read To Kill a Mockingbird (Lee). As a 13 year old girl it didn't horrify me, or hurt me or scare me. It spoke to me, in a way I could hardly express. A year after I read Oliver Twist (Dickens) and the violence, poverty and sadness in that book hurt me no more than any other book I read.

What I discovered as I read was that I was not alone in the great human experience. I was not the only one who had felt the things I was feeling. I found comfort. I found acceptance. I found peace reading those books. That, to me, makes every word I read during that time worthwhile.

It is my sincere hope that people will not take this article to heart. What I do hope happens is that parents, teachers and other adults become more aware of the widespread and positive experience that literature can provide. That they realize that their young adults can  relate to these works and that they should be not only encouraging them to read, but encouraging them to discuss what they're reading and how it makes them feel. Maybe, just maybe, if we take the time to do that we will emerge with a well-read, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted generation who can reflect well on their place in the world, and how they are connected to it at large.

We can hope, right?

I'd be delighted to hear your thoughts.

Keep Reading.
AGxx

A note and disclaimer: I obviously do not own any of the books I mentioned. I did not write them. That is why I put the authors' names in for you. Additionally, I would encourage you to read any or all of these books if you can. Most of them are great works of literature, and I am proud to have read them. Also, in case you had not caught the tenor of my arguments, I actually quite like most of the books I mentioned.

Also, the title comes from a lyric from The Daily Mail song, which was John Greene's only response to the article. Having followed the link, I can only suggest you do so as well. Its worth a good laugh, anyway.

Faithful Friends Who Are Dear To Us Gather Near To Us Once More

Its December and time to look back on the year and see how I've done and what's happened to me. I'll confess, I hadn't even thought about it until I signed on to Facebook this morning and it was offering me the album of my Top 20 Moments of 2012. Most of them weren't really top moments. So I thought I would tote up all the things that happened to me and go through them. It was an interesting job down recent memory lane.

In January I started working on a lesbian romance novel. It ended up crashing and burning later, but it was a good start to me writing more than I had before. It was also a decent idea, which I will probably use some time in the near future. For the first time in years I got seriously ill with some sort of virus, an indicator that my body has finally stopped holding up on its contract to not get sick and just punish me with migraines. Kitten and I had our birthdays and nothing too epic happened when I turned a year older. I finally blocked my ex BBD on Facebook because he started up with his stalker like tirades again. I also threatened him with an Ex Parte, he hasn't shown his face since.

In February I saw the Memphis ballet, and was moved to tears. Kitten began contemplating the out of town internship over the summer, which she thankfully ended up not taking. We had Thanksgiving in February with our friends, the first in a long line of weird themed dinner parties over the year. I discovered the Warriors series by Erin Hunter and found out there's nothing like a book about feral cats to make you cry.

In March I started gardening for the season, most notably planting more roses and plotting out a garden for veggies and herbs in the back. I reorganized the books in my library, sort of. We went to Kansas City, MO to see Katie Herzig live and despite the fact that I had a headache, had a great time. I actually met her after the show and we got pics. Sakura and I began contemplating a formal coven structure as a result of friction within the coven. Kitten was hired to work temp at Casa Bueno and Oscelot was rehired.  Oscelot celebrated her birthday.

In April I had a period so bad I was hospitalized. Turns out I had a torn cyst. Shorty had her 21st and we had a great time out with her. Not much else happened.

In May I attended my first family gathering in years because my cousin Mustang had graduated high school. I began to feel really old about it. Beltane we washed in the may dew and had a good time. The coven began changes that would eventually become a more formal structure. Ties of friendship were renewed among some of my closer friends. I learned I am a planning sort of person. I also had the first of two fights this year that resulted in me losing a friend and me discovering that I can take the higher ground when I want to. Even if I don't want to.

In June I had my wisdom teeth out. I discovered the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on YouTube and became obsessed. We got a new car, and by new I mean a 1982 Honda we call Vannessa. We wrote the coven bylaws, I met Felix, started seeing Auras on purpose and not accident. I memorized the Charge of the Goddess. I also met Sakura's mom after we sort-of formalized that agreement we'd made to move to the Rose City together soon. It became unbearably hot. We started conserving water for the gardens.

July saw us all over town. Flyguy and I had a fun time trashing a dress. We went to see James Taylor in concert and it was awesome. We went with Kitten's mom to Tulsa for a couple of days to explore art museums and learn about George Washington. I saw his teeth. No, they weren't made of wood. I had the second of my fights that lost me a friend. This particular one really hurt, but then, that sort of thing does. It got even more hot than it had been. Temps in the 100+ all the time.

August I bought a bicycle but didn't ride it much because of the heat. We threw a huge pirate themed party for Spice's birthday and had Christmas in August as well. I really, truly went to town on the bookshelves but only made it to M because I ran out of shelf space. It finally rained, finally. I went to the fair with my friends and had a blast. I hadn't been in a few years, and it was a wonderful time. I discovered we had skunk kittens hiding under our shed and that they were making friends with the cats on our porch. I put down Starkit, bless his soul, after he got hit by a car. I cried over him. He was adorable.

In September I quit my job and became a housewife. Best decision I ever made. I started working on my first romance piece for publication. I started working on costumes for our trip to the KC Renaissance Fair. I bonded with a couple of my cousins over hard times. I realized not all the crap I've been through has been for naught.

In October we went to the Ren Fair and had a great time. I came up with a brilliant novel idea. I made my first made from scratch cake and discovered I can bake so long as its complicated. We had a wonderful Samhain ritual at Kitten's moms and I felt really connected to my family. I discovered, at the same time, that I am allergic to pumpkins. I began quilting.

Last month I lost myself in the elections and in NaNoWriMo. I bonded with my wonderful beta reader KittyMammas and realized I am lucky to have access to so  many wonderful writers and a great community. I spent my first election night up all night since I turned 18 and discovered I have an awesome family who's willing to drag the couch into the library and watch live election streaming with me until 1am. I have spent a lot of time bonding with Kitten's mom, which has been great. I also spent Thanksgiving with my mom and grandma for the first time in years.

That brings us to now. Last week I got back on the submissions train and am beginning new work as a writer. I also went to see White Christmas on the big screen with friends and felt completely unashamed at my tears for the first time ever. It was awesome. Who knows how the rest of this month will turn out.

I'll say this- it has been both an awesome and really difficult year. I want to thank all the people who have supported me through all of this crazy. You've helped me grow in ways you'll never imagine. A special thanks to Sakura, Aravis, Swiss, Shorty and Felix for making this year unforgettable and bearable. You are wonderful people.

You've Been So Kind and Generous

Right, so all of these people are on facebook writing these posts this month about how they are thankful for something each day. Now, I don't normally have a problem with this. I think its good that we're thankful. It does irritate me that they only do it for the month of November, because of Thanksgiving. I'm not saying what they're doing is bad. More that I wish people could say something they are thankful for every day, not just every day in a month. Its something that changes your outlook on life, I think, when you take stock of all the things you've been blessed with.

That said, I figure its about time I did another one of those posts where I talk about all the things I am thankful for, because I am a very lucky woman. I thought I would do thirty, since that's what everyone else seems to be doing, but I thought I would get it all out here at once, rather than updating facebook every day. Seems more efficient, and while I might not seem the type, I am all about efficiency.

1. I am thankful that I am alive. I have made a lot of really stupid decisions in my life which could have changed that, and I am thankful that I survived my own stupidity. I am also thankful that thus far in my life, I have survived all the illnesses I have had. I've not got great health, but I have some health, and a lot of days, that's something to be thankful for.

2. I am thankful for Kitten. There's not been a doubt in my mind since the day four years ago that I ran back into her that I am a lucky woman. She is a very supportive partner. She's very loving and she has a lot of heart. I have never met someone so courageous or committed to doing the right thing. She's incredibly strong and she has taught me to be a stronger and better person.

3. I am thankful for Oscelot. I really think sometimes I don't tell her enough how much she has taught me about myself. Through her I have been able to see how I have grown as a person, and also how much more work I have to do. I am also very lucky to have her as my own personal cheerleader. I've never had a person in my life who was so relentlessly  committed to my success, even when I was feeling like a failure. That's a huge gift.


4. I am thankful for Sakura. He has been the best and truest friend I could have asked for. In the last two years he and I have become so close. I've been very lucky to have him there, helping me along, teaching me. Without his support I would never have been able to learn to control my temper. I wouldn't be able to (actually, really, truly) meditate. I have, with his help, discovered the infinite nature of the universe. He has shown me what courage and love and friendship look like. And he has also shown me what the advice of a true and loyal friend can be like. I've never seen him flinch from telling me the hard things, and even when he is, he's always there to offer a shoulder. He's seen and taken care of me sick almost as many times as the girls. It means a lot to me to have him as a part of my family.

5. I am thankful for Felix, who has been a great addition to our coven. She's done so much (unwittingly I think) to improve me as a teacher and a mentor. She's a wonderful, beautiful person and a hugely inspired artist. She inspires me every time I speak with her. She's also a great person to just sit and talk with, or sit and write with, and I'm always thankful for her company. She's proved to me that yes, I can be friends with a girl because there are some out there who don't irritate me to death.

6. I am thankful for my improved relationship with my family. Things are never going to be perfect, but I've finally found balance there. As a result, I am at peace with myself and my past for the first time in my life. I have moved past my resentment, and learned to let my cynicism take a break...because of it I find my family is much more willing to give me a break. It works out for all of us.

7. I am thankful for the good health of my friend Bobcat, who has struggled this year with cancer. She's is such a brave and amazing woman. Her life changed, and her dreams changed so much when this happened to her. Through it all she has been incredible- if I can grow to have half the grace and humor that she has I will be a better person indeed.

8. I am thankful for my extended family, the one I have gained through Kitten and Sakura. They're wonderful people and I've never felt more supported and loved in my life.

9. I am thankful for my blogger friends. I never tell them enough, and I should. Aravis, Swiss, Mark, Flash- you guys have seen me at my best and my worst. You have loved me through all of it. You have talked me down when I was afraid, or upset. You have continued to post and tell me about your lives and it has given me the hope and courage and laughter to get through. The strength of heart that you have has been an inspiration to me, and there isn't  day that goes by that I don't think of you and thank deity that I have you in my life. 

10. I am thankful for NaNoWriMo. Now, before you laugh...this program got me started novelling properly. It gave me the courage to send out my first queries. It gave me the laughter and support I needed to realize that yes, I could be a novelist if I wanted to be. That's huge for me. This year it is providing me with an opportunity I will not pass up, and hopefully will have been the means of me finally getting my first novel published. That is huge.

11. I am thankful for the job I quit. I am. I learned a lot about myself and people. I came out of my shell. I have skills I would never have had if I hadn't worked there. It also brought me Spice, Shorty, Flyguy and Adidas, who through everything have been beautiful and wonderful friends.

12. I am thankful that I am now not working. I am now following my ambitions. Not many people have that chance and I am happy to have it.

13. I am thankful for my cats. They're funny, amazing little creatures who remind me every day how life can be an adventure.

14. I am thankful for my talents. I might not have many, but the ones I have give me joy and a sense of peace. Some of them are things I will never be able to use as a career, but they make me happy. Some of them will hopefully enable me to make a better life for myself. Either way, its a blessing to have things that give me joy in my life.

15. I am thankful that my family is able to provide for itself. There are so many people in the world who can't. Knowing that I will go to bed every night with a full stomach with a roof over my head is amazing.

16. I am thankful for cigarettes. Stop being indignant. I like them and though they aren't healthy, they give me pleasure and so I'm glad I have them. One day I'll hopefully stop. In the mean time, I am glad I have access tobacco that tastes good.

17.I am thankful that there are amazing artists in this world. People like Brandi Carlile and Katie Herzig, writers like Laurrel Hamilton and Erin Hunter and Johnathan Franzen remind me why this is a wonderful world to live in. They give me hope that there is more beauty and talent in the world than we thought there was. They give me hope that my generation might just make a mark on humankind that is more than ugliness.

18. I am thankful- despite my ranting- that I live in the US. There's a lot I don't like about my country. But there are many wonderful things about the place I live. I only hope that things can get better. In the mean time, we've got it pretty good whether we realize it or not.

19. I am thankful that I am not the person I wanted to be when I was eighteen. I had a lot of ideas about the world, and a lot of hopes for myself. I would have been an interesting person had I realized those dreams. I would not, however, be who I am now. And I truly believe that I am becoming the best person I can be. I am not yet, but I will slowly get there.

20. I am thankful for my grandparents. Without them I would have never made it. My grandmother gave me support and shelter and love when I thought there was none left to be had. My grandfather kept me from starving myself when I couldn't stand to look in the mirror and face what stared back at me. Both of them shaped my ideas about life. Both of them have given me strength when I didn't think I would ever find any. They have, and still are, one of the greatest gifts to my life.

21. I am thankful for friendships I have lost. Don't get me wrong, I am not always glad people leave my life. However, each time they do, I learn something more about myself. This last year I have had several people leave my life. I was sorry for it at the time, and looking back sometimes it still feels wrong. Still, the more I walk the path I have chosen, the more I see things clearly. I am happy with my decisions. Some of them, unwittingly, helped me to make some very hard ones. End the end time will tell whether or not I was right, but as of now, I am a very happy person who is still managing to hold on. And that makes me proud.

22. I am thankful for my religion. I won't preach. You know I don't do that. I will say this, my fully becoming a witch has totally changed my outlook on life. I am a different person now, and a better one.

23. I am thankful for my phone and my computer. Its another thing that seems shallow, but its also something that keeps me connected to the people in my life. That's important to me.

24. I am thankful that I am clean. It took a lot of will to get myself that way, and having people in my life who helped me was huge. I know people still that struggle with addiction every day and I am so proud and happy that it is something that I can move beyond. It wasn't easy, some days it isn't still, but the fact that I have spent over 12 years of my life free from addiction means everything to me, because it means I am in control of who I am.

25. I am thankful for all the silly, shallow, frivolous things in my life that make me happy. My underwear, my clothes, my hairbrush...I am thankful for the paintings and books in my house. I am thankful for nice meals and evenings out. I am thankful for being able to afford both glasses and contacts. I am thankful for warm blankets and candles and lots of cleaning supplies to keep my house nice and trips to places I love. Those are all things that are not necessities that make me happy. But I am thankful for them anyway.

26. I am thankful I have learned to love and respect myself. I used to not. I used to think that I had to make everyone else happy, and do what they told me. I thought I had to be perfect. I thought I had to be everything to everyone without thinking of my own happiness. I have learned that is not true. I have learned that I deserve love and respect too.

27. I am thankful that I have love in my life. There is so much love I can't even believe it. Its wonderful to be someone who knows there are people who think the world wouldn't be as great a place without you in it. That may be ego...but its nice all the same. I like to know I am loved.

28. I am thankful that I have the freedom to make my own choices. I have no one  in my life anymore who doesn't tell me I am able to do that. There is no one who makes me feel bad for wanting things, or having my own ideas or desires. That's not to say I don't have people who aren't willing to tell me how it is. Believe me, I do, but they are also the people in my life who understand my desires and wants and would help me to achieve them. Sometime that means doing it my way and sometimes that means getting their help- but in the end I have people who are supportive of my life path.

29. This is probably going to sound crude...I'm thankful for sex. Seriously. Through it I have learned so much about who I am. I have learned about boundaries. I have learned about what I can do. I have learned about love and loss and fear and trust. I have learned about simple pleasure. I have learned about healing. Sex, to me, is so many things and not all of them (in fact most of them) have very little to do with the act itself.

30. I am thankful for the life I have. All the things above this probably point to that, but it bears being told. I have not always felt that way. Fortunately for me, I wake up every morning and think of all these wonderful things I have listed- and other ones- and I am glad to be me. I know not every person can say that. I am quite a lucky woman. There are people in my life who inspire and encourage me. I have every hope for my future. I have everything I need and a lot of things I never hoped for. I am so blessed. I wake up every morning and know it. And if that's not something to be thankful for, I don't know what is.

I hope your lives are just as blessed as mine is.
AGxx

I will wash the dishes, if you'll pay all the bills...

I've been a housewife for almost a month now. It seems funny to me how the days seem to run together. I would swear I only stopped working a couple of days ago...but time has a strange way of slipping away from me. Over the last few weeks I have had a lot of people asking me how I like being a housewife. It seems to be the first question everyone who doesn't see me on a near daily basis asks me.

The truth is, I actually am really enjoying myself. I have to be honest, though, I think a lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I lie around all day eating chocolates and reading romance novels. That's only about a quarter true. I have been reading a lot of romance novels, but that's more because I am looking into them as a form of research rather than because I lack things to do.

My house is certainly much cleaner than it has been in the last four years. It never ceases to amaze me how I find that the second I turn around there is something else to clean. I didn't realize I am a compulsive cleaner up till now. But the first thing I did when I found I had spare time was start cleaning. Deep cleaning, mind you. I've developed quite the routine that way. There's already a pattern I have in place. Deep clean the carpets every Thursday. Vacuum every other day. Dishes in the morning. Laundry when the basket in the bathroom fills up. Fold and put it away on  Thursday...

But I've been busy with other things too. My life seems like it is more full than it was before, but truly I think I am simply making time for the things I was cramming into my space four hours a night before. I've been working on things for the coven much more frequently, I've filed my poor book of shadows finally, and its almost up to date. I've been working on ritual more frequently, and finding there is always something new to do or to learn.

My writing has been taking up my time as well. November is almost upon me, and I am going to churn out an entire novel in that month. I've worked diligently to plan the outline of the new book and where I want to go with it. I've already looked into possible publishers and I am back on the horse looking for agents that I might be interested in. I know I'm going to find the right one this time, and its going to go more smoothly, because I know what to expect. I've also got that short piece I've been working on. Some days it goes really slow, and I'm proud of five sentences in half an hour. Other days I sit and find that an hour's worth of work is another chapter down. Its refreshing to have time to write and to enjoy doing it.

I love being able to make dinner and have things ready for the girls when they get home. I like planning my day ahead of time. Its nice to have activities to do in my spare time. I've started working on a quilt for Kitten in my spare time. I've almost got all of the squares cut out. Its only a matter of time before I start piecing them together. It will be a fun winter project.

I feel a lot more refreshed than I had, although I've had a bout of bad luck with my health. I had a headache for nearly a week solid and then I caught a nasty 24 hour bug that put me down hard in the last couple of days. That wasn't so much fun. But then, as some of my dear friends have pointed out, my body is likely getting rid of the tension caused by many years of stress held in and not dealt with. The nightmares I had the first week or so that I was off work were terrifying, but they're down to a trickle now. I'm not having them as much as I was, and I assume this is a result of me feeling more secure and much happier than I did.

Don't get me wrong, there are days where I feel terribly annoyed that I don't contribute financially to our household. It irritates me to think that I am being supported by my ladies. But then, they don't seem to have a problem with it. In fact, they encourage me to rest, to write, and to take my time getting back together before I even think about looking for another job. Even Kitten's mom, whom I assumed wouldn't like me not working has told me that she thinks its better that I'm home, and that if I want a job I should wait until something perfect comes along. That way I can do something I love.

In the meantime, I am finding life at home to be pleasant. I am able to do the things I like without feeling bad about it. It turns out we really aren't loosing that much money, so the girls aren't worried at all. Sometimes that bothers me too, thinking that maybe I worked all those years for nothing, because when it comes down to it, no one is really missing my income. But then, I learned something from all of those years, so its not like it was all for naught.

I keep wondering when I am going to find that I am bored, or unhappy, or wishing for something else to do with my life. But truly, after a month, I've discovered that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I am making my home a richer, warmer place for my family. I am building on the strength of my friendships. I am working for the good of my coven, without feeling I am giving it half attention, or that I am somehow lacking in my abilities. I am writing, for the first time, whenever I feel like it. I am writing for the joy of it. I am writing because I want to make it my career. And that feels good. Really good.

For me, it took a lot of courage and a lot of trust to let go of my job and come home. I was terrified. I was uncertain. But I am glad now that I did it. There are, of course, some things I wish I could change. I miss some of my work friends. I miss the active feeling I had when I was working. I need to exercise or I'm going to put on weight, I am sure of it. But then, I have more things to do than I did before. I don't see my lack of job as something that leaves me bereft. It has given me the perspective I need to move forward with my life. The insomnia is creeping back in, and don't think its because I am sleeping late. Far from it. I get up earlier now than I ever did when I worked at Casa Bueno. But I find I am not so tired at night that my only option is to fall into bed and go to sleep. I find my mind wandering. I don't mind too much, though. It gives me a chance to think of new things, and to let myself dream of what I want.

For the first time in years, I don't go to bed wondering. I don't go to bed worrying. I just go to bed. And when sleep comes, I'm not afraid. Not of the night or the morning, or the day that comes after. I don't worry about what happened during the day. I merely pass pleasantly on to my dreams, which are their own sort of adventure.

Yes, I think I like this very much. Only time will tell...but then, I have all the time in the world. Don't I?

AGxx

I Going Home, To The Place Where I Belong

Today was my second to last day at Casa Bueno. It passed with what I can only call a feeling of ambivalence. Today was my last shift with Shorty and Flyguy. It was my last shift with my favorite cook. It was the last time I will ever arrive forty-five minutes early to work so I can make sure the salt and pepper shakers are filled before the store opens. Its the last time I'll pick up a dozen doughnuts for the Saturday morning crew. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited.

Actually, I'm really not. I'm not excited. I'm not sorry, but there isn't a sense of elation either. I think part of it is that I'm not feeling the loss of the job yet. I mean, yes, I did say goodbye to Shorty and Flyguy as a coworker today. But I know, for certain, there will be many more moments of my life to share with them. I don't feel like I am losing them. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm losing much at all. Oscelot will still be working there, which means at least twice a week I'm going to be headed up there to drop her off and pick her up from work. I'll still see all my coworkers. I really like the food, so there's no doubt in my mind I'll still go there to eat. It will be the first restaurant that I've waitressed at that I will go back and eat the food.

I think the other reason I am not terribly excited is the prospect of unemployment looming ahead of me. Thursday night when Sakura was over I had him do a tarot reading for me. As he suggested, I asked only, what is it that I most need to know? The answer was clear and very straightforward. And I should have seen it coming. It told me that I need this break. And that I am so concerned with my past issues that I am terrified of what it coming. And it's true.

See, since I was fifteen I've had a job. I've never been unemployed for more than a couple months, and even then I was actively looking for a job. This time, I'm not. I'll be at home. I'll clean, I'll cook, I'll write. But I will not be out making money and contributing to the household I live in. For various reasons, this is very scary for me. I feel like I won't be earning my keep. As Sakura put it, I feel bereft. I feel empty, like I have somehow lost part of my worth. Despite the fact that I am constantly being told otherwise by my family, I feel like this is true. Like I am somehow less valuable than I was two weeks ago.

Sakura says this is a good thing for me, this break. He says he was concerned for my health. He said there was no doubt in his mind that I was putting my health, even my life, in danger with the amount of stress I was putting on myself combined with the physicality of my job. I don't know when to say when. I don't know when to stop. Its unhealthy. He says he's relieved I am taking time to look after myself. I can't see what's coming down the road, and I have to stop worrying about it.

I know he's right. There's no way of telling what lies ahead for me. I suppose that's part of my problem. I've spent my whole life working and I've relied on my psychic sense to give me warning if something new or worrisome was on the horizon. I've never just rested and relied on someone else to take care of me. I don't like it. But I'm going to have to live with it. I suppose that I can take to heart what Tiger has been telling me, which is I need to get back to writing and try to get published. I'm a good writer, and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to make money at it. I hope she's right. But in the mean time, I am being warned I need to write for myself, and with no pressure on me to succeed, because that's when I do the best work.

So, tomorrow, my last day, I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out. There have been a lot of things happen to me since I came to Casa Bueno. I split up with BBD. I had my pseudo affair with Rogue. I ran back into my Kitten, remembered the strength that love can have and married her. I met Oscelot. She moved in with us. We started dating her. I sobered up. I met Spice (who trained me, by the way) and made friends with a wonderful woman who reminds me that intelligence and beauty are valuable qualities. I met Shorty, who reminded me that there is always a reason for our past, because it gives us the strength to love and share with new people in our lives. She taught me that first impressions aren't always right, and that given the opportunity, you can find deep friendship with a person who at first seems like they are not a kindred spirit at all. I reconnected with Sakura and found that I have a deep sense of spirituality in me, and that there are people in this world who can love you for who you are and who are willing to go to any length to help you be safe and happy. I became friends with Adidas, who shows me every day that there is more to beauty than just looks, no matter how beautiful you are (and she is). That tenderness and compassion are sometimes hidden until you look for them, and that youth does not mean ignorance, and innocence doesn't mean naivete. And I met Flyguy, who is, without a doubt, one of the most special, wonderful people I have ever known. From him I have learned that there are people who will keep your secrets no matter what. I have learned trust. I have learned that there are, yes, heterosexual men out there who can love me, find me beautiful and accept my love and affection without expecting anything from me. (Swiss, I beg pardon, I mean of course, men whom I see in person.) I have learned real friendship. He is, to me, the best man I have ever known outside of my Grandfather, which is the highest compliment I can pay him.

Through all of this I have learned so much about myself. I've learned just how far I can push myself. I've learned how far I am willing to let someone to push me. I have learned to control my colossal anger. I have learned that I have more compassion than I thought myself capable of. I have learned that I am able to learn to respect people I thought I despised. I have leaned that I am not as shy as I used to be. I learned I am able to smooth over tense situations, and that I am as good as peacemaking as I am at stirring up trouble. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, I've learned to listen. I have learned to bide my time. My faith in the goodness of people has both been shaken, and also confirmed in ways I thought impossible.

I am not leaving bereft, not totally. I cannot look at the gifts I have received and be ungrateful for them. I cannot look at the love and friendship I have been given and wish I had spent my time better. I told Flyguy today that I am happy I worked at Casa Bueno long enough to have met him. I know fate would have found a way to bring him to me, but I am glad that in this case, I didn't have to wait, didn't have to wonder. I am blessed.

This will be, I think, the last time I ever work in food service. My mom tells me to never say never, but I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep it that way. I may be good at it, but truthfully, my temperament have never been suited to it. I'm taking what I can, and I will use what I have learned to make me a better person.

I'm not sure how I feel, really. Nostalgic, yes. Scared, of course. I am anticipating the coming months. I am unsure of who I am now, and who I may become. I suppose I should be excited about that. There's something beautiful about the wild unknown, right? We'll see. I'm still unsure. But then, I feel so sure about so many things, maybe this is just a new lesson for me to learn.

Oh- and in the process of telling some of my regular customers goodbye, I've found there are actually some of them who like me for who I am and not my waitressing abilities. I actually swapped email and phone numbers with Hot Doctor, whom  I have long wanted to. I figured now was the time to ask, since there was as little risk involved as possible. If I was gone, she wouldn't have to avoid the store because she said no, she didn't want to meet me socially. Fortunately, she is as nice a person as I thought, and she actually wants to attempt a friendship. We'll see. As I told her, she's a little older than me, and a doctor, and I am after all, a 30 year old waitress. There's a bit of a difference between us. Hopefully I'm right, and the mind I've always loved myself for is there, and its something I can still find value in. Something that can win me friends and respect, despite the fact that I have no personal accomplishments to speak of.

I'm signing off. I've written my emotions out, I think. I'll part with these thoughts. Thank you, to you readers, who have been there for me, supporting me in this and all of my wild decisions. I need it, and you never let me down. Also, if you haven't, click my link toSwisslet. He's running a half-marathon tomorrow and he's raising money for cancer research. He's a great guy and its a great cause. Go donate, if you can. (Good luck Swiss, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and wishing you all the best!)

I love you all.
AGxx

These Places and These Faces Are Getting Old

I usually blog about big events in my life almost immediately, but this time I've waited a few days to let the dust settle. On this past Sunday I put my two week notice in at Casa Bueno. This is huge for me.

I've worked at Casa Bueno for five years. During those five years I've gone from a waitress to a trainer, from a trainer to a bartender and from a bartender to a supervisor. The restaurant business itself has changes because to the recession we're in. I've gone from working in a restaurant that was so busy I made enough money I didn't feel the change in income from working in offices to being much slower. Its picked up in the last year or so, but its still not what it was. The store itself has changed too. Its had a turnover of about a hundred employees. The company has gotten new leadership and there's been some significant change to he menu and some of the policies. Some of those are pretty recent, or ongoing. That isn't why I'm leaving, though.

In the last five years I have also changed. I've gone from being a young woman to just a plain woman. I'm in my thirties now, and while thirty doesn't seem like that much of a change from twenty four or twenty five, in terms of ability and relatability to my coworkers, its startling. I've also gone from being a person who drinks and goes out frequently to one who stays home more. I've gotten married. I've become much more active in my religion. I've certainly mellowed out. If you had asked some of my coworkers five years ago the words "high strung" and "bitch" would have been likely to have been used. Now I'm not so sure what they would say. Some, I think, would call me controlling or demanding. Some would call me friend. Some would definitely see me as a pain in the ass. I am definitely more out of touch with my coworkers than I was five years ago. This is not something I have done on purpose, but more a result of me growing up, and them staying young. I don't fault them or myself for this, I am simply different from who they are. Again, possible reasons a person might leave, and definitely something to consider, but not the reason I am leaving.

I am, simply put, very tired. My health, as most of you who follow me on Facebook would be able to tell right away, is not what I would like it to be. I have a heavy suspicion that the last two months working with our new seafood specialties has contributed to this. Let's face it, I'm allergic to fish and being around it grilled in open air and serving it more frequently, it being in the plates and in the air and on my hands has left me in what is no doubt a mild state of allergic reaction for the last couple of months. My headaches, which had been getting better, are making a comeback with a strength that sometimes frightens me and with a frequency that is becoming almost debilitating. I am tired all the time. I am losing my hair. Not a lot of it, but enough to let me know that its not normal hair loss, and certainly not healthy. A couple of months ago I took a stress test and my stress levels were off the charts. A good portion of that had to do with my work situation. These are, indeed, good reasons to need a break.

It is more than that, though. Working as a waitress is to subject yourself to variable income. Nothing is ever certain. And you have to depend on the kindness and generosity of others to make ends meet. That's hard. It requires you to be always upbeat, always polite, always attentive. In the restaurant world there is no room for a personal life, problems must be left at the door. You cannot let the person you are effect the person your guests, and even your coworkers, see you as. Emotionally, this is extremely taxing. It is especially difficult for me, seeing as how I do wear my heart on my sleeve and am incapable of sugar coating anything. It makes life hard with regards to my coworkers. On top of that, being the age I am, I am growing tired of working with people who are younger than me. Its not that they aren't good people, some of them are, but they are younger than me. Their energy effects me differently. Sometimes their life outlooks irritate me. I don't live in the same world they do, plain and simple.

The politics of restaurant work also wear me out. By the time I made my entry back into food service I had been playing at office politics for about seven years. I'm good at that. The trick is to do your job right, keep your mouth shut, your head down and your back to the wall. Listen to everything, speak little. Learn your coworkers and do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Wait and be patient. Work hard. Its not the same in restaurants. In food service doing your job well makes you a target. People will see the little mistakes you make and make them larger, will point them out, will hound you for them. Mistakes not caught in time, or sometimes just made, will cost the company money and most of the time you as well. You are in constant wariness. You compete for shifts, for good positions. When you attain a position of responsibility you must constantly fight for it. You must work harder, every day, than you did before. And you must do all of these things with people who are (in my case, anyway) ten years or more younger than you. Most of them have less scruples. All of them love gossip, drama and watching the circus unfold around them. To watch someone fall from grace is a treat, and if you want to keep your job, it had better not be you.

Restaurants being what they are bring in a pretty diverse population of workers. Its certain that you will work with people wildly different from you. They will have different lifestyles and ideas. There will be people who don't like you, who will actively wish you ill. But still, to get the job done, you must work with them anyway. This is very hard. For me, to ask help of someone I know wants me gone, or to help someone I know was badmouthing me to my boss the day before is almost intolerable. It must be done, though. I've always said to my trainees, there will be people you don't like that you have to work with. Be good to them anyway. Its the only way you keep your head above water. Its the truth. Its also the truth that most of my coworkers would be hard pressed to tell me who it is I do and don't like, truly. I've played my part very well. And I am tired of the play.

I am tired. Tired of the physically demanding work. I am tired of the games. I am tired of the gossip. I am tired of having to be cheerful all the time. You know me. I am a happy person, but relentless cheer is grating on the best of personalities, and mine isn't the best. We know that. Beyond that, outside of work I have a lot on my plate. With my family things have been changing and its difficult to handle. With the coven I am always busy, there is always something to do or to plan. My friends have changed too, I have gained some new ones and lost a few old ones. That's life, and you move on from there, but its been taxing nonetheless. I have two relationships to maintain. My wife is finishing school and preparing to enter a new career. I am going to go back to school soon too, and that has to be considered.

So I am taking a break. I am fortunate to have my lovely partners, they are willing to support me while I rest and pull myself back together. They are hard workers who are able to help while I am not. They don't judge me. Instead, they have encouraged me every step of the way, doing everything they can to let me know they are proud of my decision and that they want me to be healthy and happy. I am very blessed. I will go back to work eventually. It will probably be something easy. I may look at some of the local book or craft stores and see if they need help. I might look and see if there's an office that wants someone to man the phones. I can do those things at little cost to my health, and I can enjoy them. I can also go back to school and prepare to have a career that I want to do. Something that will give me joy and a sense of fulfillment.

I will say this, I've learned a lot from my time in restaurants. I have learned that trust is something more important to me than even I had thought. I have also learned that until they give you reason to, people really aren't a very trustworthy bunch. Sometimes even the people who profess to love you will hurt you to get ahead. I've learned that people can be very good. I've learned that good people can sometimes do incredibly stupid things to ruin their lives. I've seen it in action now. Its terrifying to watch. I've learned that hard work and honesty only get you so far. I've learned that no matter how much you give of yourself, someone will always want more. I've learned that sometimes when you get what you want you don't really want it at all. I've seen firsthand that respect is something that has to be earned on a minute to minute basis and that people, after all, really do want to think the worst of you. Those things may sound jaded, but they're the truth. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry. Its not in me to be like that. I am, as I said, very tired.

I was talking to Flyguy the other day (one of the very wonderful things to come out of Casa Bueno - my relationship with Flyguy) and I told him that I realized not too long ago that he was one of the very few reasons I ever looked forward to work. It was easier to get up and face the day knowing he was there. Knowing that he would be at my back. Knowing that whatever anyone said or did, he would catch me if I needed him to. Then I realized that he loves me and that I can have those things, I can have my wonderful friendship with him without having to be at Casa. He laughed at me, as though that should have been obvious, and then gave me a big hug and told me I was right. He's not going anywhere. As for my other friends at Casa, we'll see. I've seen people come and go for so long, I know for a fact now that people who are willing to spend time with you when you work somewhere may not be willing to do so once you are not a part of their work lives. I've lost a few people that way, people I would have liked to have kept in my life. But, as they go, there are always more. I sincerely hope that I will find that the people who profess to love and respect me truly do, and that I will still see them and spend time with them. If not, at this point, I think I have no illusions. I am thankful for the acquaintance/friendship of many of my coworkers, but I've simply not got the strength to keep on just to maintain those ties. Its not worth it.

So, here I am, after five years, saying very manfully that I am a weak person. I am not strong enough for the vocation I have worked in for so long. I don't have the energy to keep up. I am paying my debts of honor, and withdrawing from the stage. Its the best I can do. At one time I would have valued myself less for having to do this. At one time I would have been ashamed. Now I am simply proud that I have learned that I must put myself first. I used to worry because I thought all there is in life is advancement, success, and money. I know better now. The best things in my life may be tangible- but its not money- its the people I hold in my arms at the end of a long day, or when they come into my home. It is the tools of my craft that give me such joy. It is the blankets I wrap myself in and the tea I drink when I have been drained of every other type of warmth. I will not give those things up for the world.

As for the world I live in now, its about to change again. I look forward to it very much.

Thanks for being with me through all of this.
AGxx

I Can't Control You, You Can't Control Me

Happy Friday everyone. I know that most of my friends are happy that its here, because that means its the end of the work week. I'm excited for all of you. You get a full weekend to rest and enjoy yourselves. Its a time to relax. For me, of course, I'm in the middle of my work week, so I won't be celebrating with you as you go into this weekend well rested and (for my American friends at least) having had an extra day off already.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.

First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.

I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.

Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.

This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.

I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.

A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.

Point taken.

Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.

She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.

The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)

I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.

So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.

Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to.  I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"

I texted her back: Good.

Because it was.

AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx