The weeks continue to tumble by so quickly I have hardly the chance to keep up! I feel the turning of the earth below me, faster than usual it seems, and I look forward to the approach of the holiday season immensly. I must confess, part of that excitement is knowing that my dearest friend, Perpet and her husband, Boy, will be in town soon and I will get to see her for the first time in over a year. I'm happy about it, I haven't been able to spend quality time with her in a couple of years at least. It delights me to know they are coming for a good solid week and I can spend time with her. It also makes me anxious to succeed so that we can move. I want a good home in a city that makes me happy, but it will be nice to be near her again when that time comes.
I am also looking forward to another excursion at the beginning of next week. The girls and I are heading to Kansas City, MO to go see the inimitable Brandi Carlile in concert once again. I am always delighted when she comes close enough to my hometown that I am able to go to see her. Especially when it makes it possible to not have to take more than two days off of work.
Speaking of work, I feel changes in the air. We've lost a pretty healthy amount of staff members as of late. I can't say I regret it, many who left are ones that needed to leave, so i am glad to have the chance to build a new crew with the proper skills and lack of bad habits. We had a meeting the other day with the managment and our trainers, and we set goals for things we'd like to accomplish. So far, things are looking well and everyone seems to be on board. If we are able to follow through, I will be delighted to work inan even better environment where everyone can play for the same team. I've got my hopes up, and I pray that they are not in vain. I pray we follow through. I think we will. Yesterday two of the trainers and I stayed after we got off work to do some deep cleaning and some much needed store rearranging, as far as decoration goes. We're doing it again Saturday morning before we work, and if all goes well, we think we might get permission to repaint, which is something we desperately need. I'll definately keep you updated there. I might even take some pictures, if I think of it.
Otuside of work I've made good progress on my new novel. It shows no signs of slowing, although I must make myself work if I wish to be successful. By all rights, I should be at it now. I comfort myself with the thought I can work tonight and gte back in the saddle. Everything is going as planned there, which makes me happy.
I've been reading more again, after taking a somewhat lengthy break from my usual book every day or two pace. I read Band of Brothers, by Steven Ambrose, which is a nonfiction account of E Company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. My Grandfather was in the 101st, so it was quite touching for me. I have even more respect for his bravery now than I had ever before. Afterwards, I have been taking the time to reread the Inheritance Cycle. The last book int he series came out just before I went on vacation. I want to purchase it, but I need to refresh myself on the series first. I have to confess, I love those books. Mrs. Boss is reading them now, her son convinced her to, and she is enjoying them. I can't wait to talk to her about them. She seems really excited. She even made me go into the office the other day and tell Mr. Boss that yes, they are better than the LOTR series. No offense to Tollkein, he was talented and created a beautiful world. Paolini, though did something better. Tollkein was an Oxford professor, Paolini was 16 when he wrote the first book inthe series. A far more difficult feat. I think the young man a genius. Plus, the books dont drag with heacy, florid language, but read with all the swiftness and excitment an action-adventure should have. Yes, I like them very much.
I've set Oscelot to reading David Sedaris. I thought, with her rather short attention span, that she might like the short stories. Also, he's funny as hell. She read When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I gave her to take on vacation with us. She loved it. I am going to read it next, its one that I haven't tackled yet. She's now onto Me Talk Pretty One Day, which I have read, and I loved. Its nice, because it gives us something to talk about. I like that, because sometimes I feel we have a tendency to fall into a rut and discuss work and other mundanities. I like having something to say that doesn't involve those things. Kitten, of course, I never seem to run out of things to talk about. She reads more than I do, which is great. I also get a great writing perspective for her, becaue she reads quite a bit in the genre I write, and she gives me a nice reader's perspective. She also reads a lot of Mystery and Thriller genre books, and while I don't read them myself, I am always interested in what she is reading because the plots give me fits sometimes.
One nasty side effect of the Eragon books, however, is I am feeling a bent towards poetry, which I am terrible at writing. Unfortunately, the books are riddled with poems and floral language, which always makes me want to try my hand at it. I always fail miserably. My poetry always sounds trite. Ah, well, its the thought that counts most days. I figure someday I will turn my head to the study of it, and then possibly escape my prison of meloncholy ABAB rhyming. in the meantime, I muddle through and laugh at my own work. It gives me perspective. I thought I would share my latest attempt with you. I sent it to Flyguy last night, and he was kind enough to respond with a correlating verse, which pleased me immensly.
My Stupid Poem
Draw a breath and close your eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies-
fast and hard the darkness turns
to slake desire for which we yearn.
Shatter quick the brittle glass
The one we hold which cannot last,
Turn the eye and shake the head
Tumble loose the feelings dead.
Yet lips murmur soft and sweet
Shower poison petals at the feet.
Trip them softly, trip them true
Another chance to play the fool.
Draw the bow and sight the sky
let yet another arrow fly.
Seeking true the greatest mark
In loving war, the subtle art.
Fill the quiver as you must,
Each wild repost and daring thrust
Draw a breath, and close the eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies.
Terrible isn't it? Ah, well. Practice makes perfect I hear. I will keep trying in the hopes of getting a passable poem at some point. In case you're interested, Flyguy's response, which I won't post here without obtaining his permission, addressed the preparatory moment before the arrow is let loose, the feeling of tension that fills us all before that moment comes, and how the past, the present and the future are our greatest burdens. I responded with a quick verse back:
Kiss the arrow, seal your fate. The time has come, you cannot wait.
It makes me want to keep after this miserable slog of a poem. Someone tell me to abandon it now.
Oh, an interesting thing I forgot to tell you with respect to work. Rogue doesn't work there anymore. She went back to our previous restaurant, because the old GMis gone and she quite likes the new one. I do hope she's happy. I was thinking the other day how odd it is, because I am no longer working with her, and I have since just after I started my old blog aeons ago. I commented to someone how strange it seemed, not having her in my life, whether we are friends ornot. Funnily enough, she friended me on Facebook that day. I say this in the most positive way possible, sometimes people we have loved, or people we still care for but are separated from, have a way of being a part of our lives always.
To be truthful, I have another friend I've been thinking of lately, and I know I've crossed their mind (not ego, sometimes you truly know things without being told) and I am interested to see how long it will take before they contact me. You never loose the people you love. Never. I'm waiting patiently, and we'll see. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
That's all I've got for now, although heaven knows I've got plenty to talk about.
We'll chat soon, eh?
AGxx
Showing posts with label poems for flyguy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poems for flyguy. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Who Cares if You Disagree? You Are Not Me.
Wow. As the days grow shorter and back to school time approaches, time seems to be getting shorter as well. My days are begninning to blue together, and its difficult to remember to keep on things. Even things I enjoy, like blogging.
Yesterday was Kitten and I's one year anniversary with Oscelot. All three of us had to work, so we didn't do anything too huge and spectacular. We got Oscelot a bunch of roses and the Disney movie Bambi. She's been on a Babmbi kick lately, so I thought it was timely. We also went and has a nice casual dinner. I was thankful. In part, I have had a cold for the last couple of days (in August, right? Its 100 degrees and I have the sniffles!) and the prospect of getting all dressed up and going to a nice meal seemed like a waste, especially since I'd be sniffling through the whole thing. Also, and we discussed this, I hate the expectation that anniversaries have to be this big to-do. Now, milestone anniversaries I understand, but there's so much pressure. And honestly, if you're doing your relationship right, every day is something special that should be celebrated. So we went and had a good time and it was delightful. Also, Oscelot and Kitten purchased a blender for me, so I can have fancier protein shakes. Romantic, right?
I had thought I was doing better, that I was putting on weight. Then I started my menstrual cycle and realized I'd probably only put on water weight. We'll see at the end of the week, I guess, whether or not I've made any progress. And here I was excited. I thought I'd gained 6 pounds.
My gift from Oscelot was really thoughtful. She purchased the DVD set of Band of Brothers for me. I've been wanting it for several years now, and it seems to get skipped over on all my present lists, because its pretty expensive. I wanted it because my Grandfather was in 151st airborn during WWII and I really realate to his experiences, as he told them to me, through those films. I'm excited to watch it with the girls, I think they will love and appreciate it as much as I do. Its pretty good timing as well, because Samhain is approaching faster than I care to admit and i would like to start an altar for the dead in my home. The primary person I would chose to honor is my grandfather, so I think its a good way to get me thinking about him and how I want to honor him in the coming months.
Fall is approaching (or if your me, or any neopagan, we're almost halfway through the harvest season) and with that comes the picking of fruits and vegetables. I'm excited because this is an excellent time to get plenty of tasty local produce. I like fruit and vegetables from gardens because they seem to have such a better flavor. Also, I know that there are less chemicals and pesticides in the food I'm eating. While I'm definatly not one of the big "everything has to be organic" nuts, I like that there is less likelihood I'm putting cricket killer, or whatever, into my mouth when I eat. And, like I said, the food just tastes better.
With the harvesting comes canning time. Now, I've never done canning before, but I'm excited to give it a try. Hedgewitch gave me the idea. She asked me if I knew how, because she has so much excess vegetable in her garden she isn't going to be able to eat it all. So, canning. I didn't, but I told her I would find out. As luck would have it Bobcat had the comeplete Ball canning book and it has all the detailed instructions we need, plus some great receipes. I plan on making peach preserves at least, and I saw some other recipes in there I wouldn't mind giving a try. One day this week we are going to get together and have an old-fashioned canning day. I'm excited about the preserves. My great-grandmother used to make them, and I'm coming full circle again on fall being the time of year where we remember and honor our dead. Actually, this Samhain is the three year anniversary of her funeral. She will definately have a place on my altar as well.
After we have our little canning party I think we're going to take the time to go for a walk. Its time to start collecting acorns and fallen leaves for Mabon. (that's the second of our fall holidays, and it takes place in the middle of September) Our leaves haven't started to turn quite yet, but they will soon, and in the meantime there are plenty of fallen flower petals and such to gather up. As a fun activity, we're planning on saving some to dip in parrafin so we can arrange them in vases as decoration.
Its been really nice to have another witch to talk to. Especially Hedgewitch, because I've known her since I was a child, and we're so comfortable with eachother. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but we've recently reconnected, and its been refreshing to see someone I knew so well. She is the same as she's always been. I feel like I've been separated from a sister for a very long time and we're getting to make up for lost time. She's a great lady, and she's really in touch with the earth, and with herself, and she is fantastic for understanding and empathizing with other people's emotions. She always has been. She gives me a lot of perspective, and lately, I think I've needed that.
I've had a lot on my mind emotionally lately, and its been nice to have someone to share that with. I know that Sakura and Perpet are always there for me, but I also know that you can only go over something so many times before your friends get sick of hearing about it. I also know what they would say to me, and sometimes having a new perspective is all you need. I think part of my recent illness (okay, most of it) is related to stress, and most of my stress is emotional. I have a lot of stress related to work, and then there's the things you have to cope with on a day to day basis, which I can handle. But sometimes there are long-standing problems you let go too long, or there's new ones that you just can bring yourself to talk about. I have a lot of those. Chatting with Hedgewitch has given me the chance to catch up with her, and to express some of those problems that I let go, or bury, because I have to or I can. She seems to draw it out of me.
I've found myself telling her things I don't talk about much, even here, and they are things that from time to time are troubling to me. Lately, a lot of those things are cropping up, and I hate having to face them emotionally all over again. Of course, this means that I'm dealing with family issues more, or there are things in my past that continue to upset me, and I have to deal with them some time or another. Talking about them with her has helped me greatly. I think its also helpful because some of those things were secrets I'd confided in a few other people recently, and those people let me down. Big time. Now I know that there's that dark part of me out there, in someone's mind, floating around, and they have no reason not to tell other people, because they aren't attached to me anymore. Its frightening. Remember how I mentioned I don't trust people, I expect them to let me down, and I trust them anyway? This is what happens, in my experience. They move on, and they carry that part of you with them, and you can't keep yourself safe anymore.
I trust you, here, because I know that you aren't running around telling people "Alecya has this problem" or "Did you know, Alecya had this happen to her as a teenager, she's sure fucked up because of it." Most of you aren't, anyway. I'm experiencing a new phenomenon, though, and maybe you long-time blogger buddies of mine can tell me how you deal with this. I've always regarded my blog as my space, my place to vent or to confide. Its my little online diary. It never was a problem before, because I don't- or didn't- have a lot of friends. The ones I had weren't interested in my blog, or they already knew my problems. Now I have a widening circle of aquaintences, and they do read my blog, and sometimes I need to vent about things that I don't know I want to share with them. But then, if they are interested...ah, well, I think you get my point. I feel like I have to be careful what I post. I've done the typical, I think, I don't post a link to my blog on Facebook when I've posted something relatively personal or private. I definately don't post a link when I'm blogging about a friend I'm stressed about. Still, I hate editing myself. Maybe I need to say devil take them. This is my space afterall. If I think Sakura is being dramatic (I don't babe) or if Oscelot is making me nuts, or if the Lifeguard is being distant and its making me bonkers, maybe I should post it. If they're checking in, like I know they do, they'll know how I feel. Of course, they probably do already. I just verbalize it here. Right?
Speaking of FB and all its dramatic glory, I had an epic throwdown with one of Oscelot's aunts recently. Without divulging too much of her past, because it isn't my story to tell, I can say safely that her childhood and teen years were terrible. I mean, they make my early years look like a cakewalk. Part of what happened to her has contributed to the mental conditions she suffers from now. She's gtting therapy, which I'm really happy about, and one of the things she's been doing is tring to distance herself from her family, because they were the ones that inflicted the damage. Recently, she asked her parents and the rest of her family to please stop contacting her because she needed time and space to sort out her issues, and seeing them was not only hurting her emotionally, but it was damaging her progress in therapy.
Needless to say, her family has not respected her wishes. Trying to be supportive after a couple of rough days, I posted on her FB wall about how proud I was of her for making those tough decisions and how inspired I was by her bravery in facing her demons. One of her aunts posted a snarky comment underneath my wall post about how that must include abandoning her family. I won't give you a blow by blow, but I tore her in half. Politely, you'll be pleased to know, but in half all the same. She responded by calling me a manipulative bitch and a liar. I was about to be really mean to her when Sakura and Perpet jumped right in and gave her the what for too, telling Oscelot just how much they loved her and how inspiring she was to them too. I was proud. Its great to see your friends come together to support someone who needs it. Also, I was glad to see them put her in her place because I wasn't going to be nice about it, and honestly, I'd like to look like I'm here to love Oscelot (which I am) and not just bait her family. I'm expecting more fallout, its only a matter of time. Fortunately, only one person in her family knows where we live, and she seems to have forgotten. Oscelot has sent a letter to her parents telling them she's going to file a restraining order if they don't leave her alone. They have gotten quiet, but I think we're marking time. I'll be interested to see how things turn out. On the upside, Oscelot has a new counselor, and she's much more versed in queer issues and in Oscelot's issue's in particular, so I think the progress she's made with seem small with the milestones she has ahead.
While I'm speaking of family, I might mention I had breakfast with my mom earlier in the week. i've been trying to focus on myself when I'm with her, because Kitten pointed out that when I'm with her I tend to come away drained and feeling poorly about myself. I noticed she was right, so I 've been making the effort to be better to myself around her. Last week she told me I shouldn't put on weight because I would get fat. That was about the time I realized Kitten was right. Truth is, I'm underweight, by about 30 pounds right now, and worrying about being fat is the last thing I should be concerned about. So, I was proud when I told her I needed to take care of myself. I digress, though.
She launched into one of those long guilt-trip tirades about me not being in contact with Punk, my brother whom I am estranged from. If you're new to the site, the short version is, two summers ago Punk beat up my mom, and when I refused to tell him where she was hiding from him at and tell her to drop the restraining order she filed against him (she did anyway, for the record) he told me I wasn't his sister anymore. Then he called me a stupid dyke and told me he hoped I died of AIDS. Suffice to say, I don't really want to talk to him. Its a small glimpse of a much bigger picture of my relationship with him, and his with my family at large. I don't approve of his lifestyle, or of his actions. Being a former drug abuser and alcoholic, I make it a point not to be around people like him, because I don't want to be like that. I think my family enables his bad habits. I won't.
Anywho, she started in on how she hates the idea that when she dies we'll go on hating eachother forever, and who will take care of him when she's gone. She went on in that vein for a few minuted before I interrupted her. I told her its not my job (or hers for that matter) to take care of him. He's almost 30. He doesn't need to be cared for. He's a big boy now. He needs to do it on his own. And I don't hate him. I just refuse to have someone like him in my life. Why would I willingly subject myself to verbal abuse and disrespect like that? Furthermore, why would I subject my chosen family to that kind of situation? I think the clear answer is that I shouldn't have to. I don't. I never will.
Mom gets like this when the holidays near. She's one of those people that believes in a Brady bunch type family, and she thinks that the holidays can't be happy without that kind of family interaction. Based on a lifetime of expereience, I can tell you that those visions never materialize into reality.
This is the second time in as many weeks that Mom has asked me to get in touch with Punk. She had been asking me about the Craft recently, and I've been explaining the best I can without being too specific, because she doesn't really need to know the clockwork mechanism of my faith. She doesn't practice, and I know she's not really asking because she wants to. Two week ago she asked me about healing, and how we feel about it, and if we have healing spells. I told her we did. She asked me to heal Punk. She was upset when I told her no. Honestly, that was because you have to have a person's permission, not to mention they have to want to be healed and they have to have the faith to make it work. I was missing all three of those things. Mom thinks its because I don't want him to "get better" as she puts it. I explained to her why I couldn't. I also explained you shouldn't cast when you're angry, and believe me, my brother makes me angry. I also mentioned that if he really wanted help a stint in rehad and anger counselling would go a long way.
Again I got a long speech about hating Punk and how it hurts her. She's fixated. I can't make her see my side of the situation. I'm pretty well past the point of trying to explain. Of course, I'll always defend my position when she brings it up, but it seems like I won't make any progress when it comes to making her understand how I feel. When we were talking at breakfast I told her I refused to talk to someone who had said such terrible things to me. I don't tolerate it from strangers, or my friends, why would I tolerate it from my family? Her response was that because he was family I should. And that it was just words, and I had no reason to hold such a grudge. I didn't waste my breath telling her I believe words have power, and that what he said is a reflection of how he feels about me, and the fate he wishes on me. I let it go. Thankfully, we were interrupted.
She did tell me, however, that Punk is going back to school. And that she's paying for it. And that I should be happy about it. I can't tell you how angry and hurt I was. I'm trying to let it go. I mentioned it to Mrs Boss, because she had asked me about school the day before. She told me (and I agree with her) that if being abusive and an addict was the only way I could get help from my family, I was better off not being beholden to them. I'd be more proud of myself doing it on my own anyway. Cheers to that.
In better news, tonight a dairy famer is coming to take all of my adult kitties that are stray to live on his dairy farm, hunt mice, and sleep by his fireplace. I'm excited. I'll miss them, no coubt, but they deserve better than my front porch for a home. Its another prayer answered. I thank Goddess for that. Now, I only have to find homes for my five little male kittens, and all my stray children will have been placed. I'd say it would be over, but there's always more, sadly enough. But the ones I've come to love so much will be better off. It makes me sad to let them go, but I'm pleased that I get a chance to make their furry little existences better.
I'm almost done catching you up, I swear. I'll leave you with a little poem I typed out earlier in the week. I got started writing these because Flyguy (my buddy at work) sent me a rhyming text one day. We got started on little verses, and now he sends them to me when he gets bored at his other job. I like them, because his are always strange, and always a bit dark, and if you know me at all, you know why that appeals to me. On my day off this week he sent me one I liked so well that I returned a second verse to him. It pleased him. So when I forgot to tell him goodnight at work on Friday, I sent him this little verse:
The spectre of the one I love haunts the places dear to me.
Her spiteful laugh, like grinding glass, reminds me what I cannot be.
Not cheerful, but a fun little text poem. I like them. Its like flash fiction, only for poetry. I might post them from time to time. I can't write poetry that isn't trite, but its fun anyway. It gives me a tiny little brain breather.
I hope you are well. I've been thinking of all of you. And for the record, if you're in my blogroll, I've been lurking, I swear, even if I don't say anything.
AGxx
Yesterday was Kitten and I's one year anniversary with Oscelot. All three of us had to work, so we didn't do anything too huge and spectacular. We got Oscelot a bunch of roses and the Disney movie Bambi. She's been on a Babmbi kick lately, so I thought it was timely. We also went and has a nice casual dinner. I was thankful. In part, I have had a cold for the last couple of days (in August, right? Its 100 degrees and I have the sniffles!) and the prospect of getting all dressed up and going to a nice meal seemed like a waste, especially since I'd be sniffling through the whole thing. Also, and we discussed this, I hate the expectation that anniversaries have to be this big to-do. Now, milestone anniversaries I understand, but there's so much pressure. And honestly, if you're doing your relationship right, every day is something special that should be celebrated. So we went and had a good time and it was delightful. Also, Oscelot and Kitten purchased a blender for me, so I can have fancier protein shakes. Romantic, right?
I had thought I was doing better, that I was putting on weight. Then I started my menstrual cycle and realized I'd probably only put on water weight. We'll see at the end of the week, I guess, whether or not I've made any progress. And here I was excited. I thought I'd gained 6 pounds.
My gift from Oscelot was really thoughtful. She purchased the DVD set of Band of Brothers for me. I've been wanting it for several years now, and it seems to get skipped over on all my present lists, because its pretty expensive. I wanted it because my Grandfather was in 151st airborn during WWII and I really realate to his experiences, as he told them to me, through those films. I'm excited to watch it with the girls, I think they will love and appreciate it as much as I do. Its pretty good timing as well, because Samhain is approaching faster than I care to admit and i would like to start an altar for the dead in my home. The primary person I would chose to honor is my grandfather, so I think its a good way to get me thinking about him and how I want to honor him in the coming months.
Fall is approaching (or if your me, or any neopagan, we're almost halfway through the harvest season) and with that comes the picking of fruits and vegetables. I'm excited because this is an excellent time to get plenty of tasty local produce. I like fruit and vegetables from gardens because they seem to have such a better flavor. Also, I know that there are less chemicals and pesticides in the food I'm eating. While I'm definatly not one of the big "everything has to be organic" nuts, I like that there is less likelihood I'm putting cricket killer, or whatever, into my mouth when I eat. And, like I said, the food just tastes better.
With the harvesting comes canning time. Now, I've never done canning before, but I'm excited to give it a try. Hedgewitch gave me the idea. She asked me if I knew how, because she has so much excess vegetable in her garden she isn't going to be able to eat it all. So, canning. I didn't, but I told her I would find out. As luck would have it Bobcat had the comeplete Ball canning book and it has all the detailed instructions we need, plus some great receipes. I plan on making peach preserves at least, and I saw some other recipes in there I wouldn't mind giving a try. One day this week we are going to get together and have an old-fashioned canning day. I'm excited about the preserves. My great-grandmother used to make them, and I'm coming full circle again on fall being the time of year where we remember and honor our dead. Actually, this Samhain is the three year anniversary of her funeral. She will definately have a place on my altar as well.
After we have our little canning party I think we're going to take the time to go for a walk. Its time to start collecting acorns and fallen leaves for Mabon. (that's the second of our fall holidays, and it takes place in the middle of September) Our leaves haven't started to turn quite yet, but they will soon, and in the meantime there are plenty of fallen flower petals and such to gather up. As a fun activity, we're planning on saving some to dip in parrafin so we can arrange them in vases as decoration.
Its been really nice to have another witch to talk to. Especially Hedgewitch, because I've known her since I was a child, and we're so comfortable with eachother. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but we've recently reconnected, and its been refreshing to see someone I knew so well. She is the same as she's always been. I feel like I've been separated from a sister for a very long time and we're getting to make up for lost time. She's a great lady, and she's really in touch with the earth, and with herself, and she is fantastic for understanding and empathizing with other people's emotions. She always has been. She gives me a lot of perspective, and lately, I think I've needed that.
I've had a lot on my mind emotionally lately, and its been nice to have someone to share that with. I know that Sakura and Perpet are always there for me, but I also know that you can only go over something so many times before your friends get sick of hearing about it. I also know what they would say to me, and sometimes having a new perspective is all you need. I think part of my recent illness (okay, most of it) is related to stress, and most of my stress is emotional. I have a lot of stress related to work, and then there's the things you have to cope with on a day to day basis, which I can handle. But sometimes there are long-standing problems you let go too long, or there's new ones that you just can bring yourself to talk about. I have a lot of those. Chatting with Hedgewitch has given me the chance to catch up with her, and to express some of those problems that I let go, or bury, because I have to or I can. She seems to draw it out of me.
I've found myself telling her things I don't talk about much, even here, and they are things that from time to time are troubling to me. Lately, a lot of those things are cropping up, and I hate having to face them emotionally all over again. Of course, this means that I'm dealing with family issues more, or there are things in my past that continue to upset me, and I have to deal with them some time or another. Talking about them with her has helped me greatly. I think its also helpful because some of those things were secrets I'd confided in a few other people recently, and those people let me down. Big time. Now I know that there's that dark part of me out there, in someone's mind, floating around, and they have no reason not to tell other people, because they aren't attached to me anymore. Its frightening. Remember how I mentioned I don't trust people, I expect them to let me down, and I trust them anyway? This is what happens, in my experience. They move on, and they carry that part of you with them, and you can't keep yourself safe anymore.
I trust you, here, because I know that you aren't running around telling people "Alecya has this problem" or "Did you know, Alecya had this happen to her as a teenager, she's sure fucked up because of it." Most of you aren't, anyway. I'm experiencing a new phenomenon, though, and maybe you long-time blogger buddies of mine can tell me how you deal with this. I've always regarded my blog as my space, my place to vent or to confide. Its my little online diary. It never was a problem before, because I don't- or didn't- have a lot of friends. The ones I had weren't interested in my blog, or they already knew my problems. Now I have a widening circle of aquaintences, and they do read my blog, and sometimes I need to vent about things that I don't know I want to share with them. But then, if they are interested...ah, well, I think you get my point. I feel like I have to be careful what I post. I've done the typical, I think, I don't post a link to my blog on Facebook when I've posted something relatively personal or private. I definately don't post a link when I'm blogging about a friend I'm stressed about. Still, I hate editing myself. Maybe I need to say devil take them. This is my space afterall. If I think Sakura is being dramatic (I don't babe) or if Oscelot is making me nuts, or if the Lifeguard is being distant and its making me bonkers, maybe I should post it. If they're checking in, like I know they do, they'll know how I feel. Of course, they probably do already. I just verbalize it here. Right?
Speaking of FB and all its dramatic glory, I had an epic throwdown with one of Oscelot's aunts recently. Without divulging too much of her past, because it isn't my story to tell, I can say safely that her childhood and teen years were terrible. I mean, they make my early years look like a cakewalk. Part of what happened to her has contributed to the mental conditions she suffers from now. She's gtting therapy, which I'm really happy about, and one of the things she's been doing is tring to distance herself from her family, because they were the ones that inflicted the damage. Recently, she asked her parents and the rest of her family to please stop contacting her because she needed time and space to sort out her issues, and seeing them was not only hurting her emotionally, but it was damaging her progress in therapy.
Needless to say, her family has not respected her wishes. Trying to be supportive after a couple of rough days, I posted on her FB wall about how proud I was of her for making those tough decisions and how inspired I was by her bravery in facing her demons. One of her aunts posted a snarky comment underneath my wall post about how that must include abandoning her family. I won't give you a blow by blow, but I tore her in half. Politely, you'll be pleased to know, but in half all the same. She responded by calling me a manipulative bitch and a liar. I was about to be really mean to her when Sakura and Perpet jumped right in and gave her the what for too, telling Oscelot just how much they loved her and how inspiring she was to them too. I was proud. Its great to see your friends come together to support someone who needs it. Also, I was glad to see them put her in her place because I wasn't going to be nice about it, and honestly, I'd like to look like I'm here to love Oscelot (which I am) and not just bait her family. I'm expecting more fallout, its only a matter of time. Fortunately, only one person in her family knows where we live, and she seems to have forgotten. Oscelot has sent a letter to her parents telling them she's going to file a restraining order if they don't leave her alone. They have gotten quiet, but I think we're marking time. I'll be interested to see how things turn out. On the upside, Oscelot has a new counselor, and she's much more versed in queer issues and in Oscelot's issue's in particular, so I think the progress she's made with seem small with the milestones she has ahead.
While I'm speaking of family, I might mention I had breakfast with my mom earlier in the week. i've been trying to focus on myself when I'm with her, because Kitten pointed out that when I'm with her I tend to come away drained and feeling poorly about myself. I noticed she was right, so I 've been making the effort to be better to myself around her. Last week she told me I shouldn't put on weight because I would get fat. That was about the time I realized Kitten was right. Truth is, I'm underweight, by about 30 pounds right now, and worrying about being fat is the last thing I should be concerned about. So, I was proud when I told her I needed to take care of myself. I digress, though.
She launched into one of those long guilt-trip tirades about me not being in contact with Punk, my brother whom I am estranged from. If you're new to the site, the short version is, two summers ago Punk beat up my mom, and when I refused to tell him where she was hiding from him at and tell her to drop the restraining order she filed against him (she did anyway, for the record) he told me I wasn't his sister anymore. Then he called me a stupid dyke and told me he hoped I died of AIDS. Suffice to say, I don't really want to talk to him. Its a small glimpse of a much bigger picture of my relationship with him, and his with my family at large. I don't approve of his lifestyle, or of his actions. Being a former drug abuser and alcoholic, I make it a point not to be around people like him, because I don't want to be like that. I think my family enables his bad habits. I won't.
Anywho, she started in on how she hates the idea that when she dies we'll go on hating eachother forever, and who will take care of him when she's gone. She went on in that vein for a few minuted before I interrupted her. I told her its not my job (or hers for that matter) to take care of him. He's almost 30. He doesn't need to be cared for. He's a big boy now. He needs to do it on his own. And I don't hate him. I just refuse to have someone like him in my life. Why would I willingly subject myself to verbal abuse and disrespect like that? Furthermore, why would I subject my chosen family to that kind of situation? I think the clear answer is that I shouldn't have to. I don't. I never will.
Mom gets like this when the holidays near. She's one of those people that believes in a Brady bunch type family, and she thinks that the holidays can't be happy without that kind of family interaction. Based on a lifetime of expereience, I can tell you that those visions never materialize into reality.
This is the second time in as many weeks that Mom has asked me to get in touch with Punk. She had been asking me about the Craft recently, and I've been explaining the best I can without being too specific, because she doesn't really need to know the clockwork mechanism of my faith. She doesn't practice, and I know she's not really asking because she wants to. Two week ago she asked me about healing, and how we feel about it, and if we have healing spells. I told her we did. She asked me to heal Punk. She was upset when I told her no. Honestly, that was because you have to have a person's permission, not to mention they have to want to be healed and they have to have the faith to make it work. I was missing all three of those things. Mom thinks its because I don't want him to "get better" as she puts it. I explained to her why I couldn't. I also explained you shouldn't cast when you're angry, and believe me, my brother makes me angry. I also mentioned that if he really wanted help a stint in rehad and anger counselling would go a long way.
Again I got a long speech about hating Punk and how it hurts her. She's fixated. I can't make her see my side of the situation. I'm pretty well past the point of trying to explain. Of course, I'll always defend my position when she brings it up, but it seems like I won't make any progress when it comes to making her understand how I feel. When we were talking at breakfast I told her I refused to talk to someone who had said such terrible things to me. I don't tolerate it from strangers, or my friends, why would I tolerate it from my family? Her response was that because he was family I should. And that it was just words, and I had no reason to hold such a grudge. I didn't waste my breath telling her I believe words have power, and that what he said is a reflection of how he feels about me, and the fate he wishes on me. I let it go. Thankfully, we were interrupted.
She did tell me, however, that Punk is going back to school. And that she's paying for it. And that I should be happy about it. I can't tell you how angry and hurt I was. I'm trying to let it go. I mentioned it to Mrs Boss, because she had asked me about school the day before. She told me (and I agree with her) that if being abusive and an addict was the only way I could get help from my family, I was better off not being beholden to them. I'd be more proud of myself doing it on my own anyway. Cheers to that.
In better news, tonight a dairy famer is coming to take all of my adult kitties that are stray to live on his dairy farm, hunt mice, and sleep by his fireplace. I'm excited. I'll miss them, no coubt, but they deserve better than my front porch for a home. Its another prayer answered. I thank Goddess for that. Now, I only have to find homes for my five little male kittens, and all my stray children will have been placed. I'd say it would be over, but there's always more, sadly enough. But the ones I've come to love so much will be better off. It makes me sad to let them go, but I'm pleased that I get a chance to make their furry little existences better.
I'm almost done catching you up, I swear. I'll leave you with a little poem I typed out earlier in the week. I got started writing these because Flyguy (my buddy at work) sent me a rhyming text one day. We got started on little verses, and now he sends them to me when he gets bored at his other job. I like them, because his are always strange, and always a bit dark, and if you know me at all, you know why that appeals to me. On my day off this week he sent me one I liked so well that I returned a second verse to him. It pleased him. So when I forgot to tell him goodnight at work on Friday, I sent him this little verse:
The spectre of the one I love haunts the places dear to me.
Her spiteful laugh, like grinding glass, reminds me what I cannot be.
Not cheerful, but a fun little text poem. I like them. Its like flash fiction, only for poetry. I might post them from time to time. I can't write poetry that isn't trite, but its fun anyway. It gives me a tiny little brain breather.
I hope you are well. I've been thinking of all of you. And for the record, if you're in my blogroll, I've been lurking, I swear, even if I don't say anything.
AGxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)