Memories of What You Can't Seem To Let Go

I am a pretty cautious person by nature, despite how it might seem, when it comes to protecting myself emotionally. I think everyone has those triggers that put them mentally in an unhealthy place that they want to avoid. I do everything I can to keep myself from those situations. I've done what I can to help myself heal from things that have hurt me in the past and by and large I feel like I am well adjusted given my fairly chaotic and occasionally awful past. And yet, there are days when it seems the past is inescapable and you find that you are much more vulnerable than you imagined you could be.

Let's rewind for a moment to about four or five months ago. I was just starting to work as a server at The Diner. Or, at least, I was finally comfortable enough with my surroundings that I didn't feel like every weekend was a battle. Its then that I first noticed this nice, quiet guy who read books and sat by himself. He came in every Saturday. He seemed nice enough. I noticed him enough that he eventually became That Nice Quiet Book-Reading Guy Who Always Orders a Breakfast Special (Take Three Creams with the Coffee). We would chat occasionally and I discovered he was an interesting person. He liked the outdoors. He seemed pretty well rounded. About two months ago I found out he's an Arborist. He then became (in all my references to Kitten when talking about work) That Nice Arborist Who Comes In On Saturdays and Reads. By luck or design he started landing in my section more often. It was then that I discovered two things 1- he does just about everything from play instruments to rock climbing to reading, in general that he is a person whom I would like to hang out with. 2- His name. We'll call him Jack here (short for Lumberjack, or Jack of all trades, you chose).

So I happened to have an extra ticket to the symphony this last weekend and I invited Jack along. I was both pleased and surprised when he said yes. Sakura and I go (well we try) every month. He has season tickets and I am almost always his date. Anyway, we went, we had dinner, Jack met Kitten and Sakura and things were nice.

Cue Sunday. Without airing Jack's dirty laundry I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he has, in most people's eyes, a personal history that would make him predisposed to dislike me. That he was not only comfortable but gracious and very open with me and my strange little family speaks to his strength of character, I think. I know, without him telling me, that he was putting himself out there when he joined us on Saturday. I took it as a compliment. Imagine my surprise when that morning when he was in eating breakfast that he invited me to come watch him play his instrument at his church that Sunday night. Once again, I'll reiterate that his character already shames mine because I don't know if I would be able to ask him to come, I don't know, watch me sing or read my writing or whatever. Not this early in our tentative friendship. Not especially considering those extenuating circumstances with would bother me considerably were I him. He was even kind enough to point out he was not proselytizing in inviting me- proving he was intuitive enough (or I scream NOT CHRISTIAN loudly enough) to see that might be something of a deterrent to me. Even though, once he gets to know me better, he'll understand that I really don't mind most Christians, or the religion itself, really. Its just not my cup of tea, and we've already discussed here my philosophical disagreements with the religion- I won't rehash it.)

What he couldn't know (and what some of you who have been around for some time will recall ) is that I was sexually assaulted by my Pastor's son and some of his friends when I was a teenager. The resulting damage to my person, and my mental health and all of the horrible things that came after that when I foolishly sought help from my pastor, thinking he would do the right thing and want to help me (I was really, really naive) have had a profound effect on me as a person. He wouldn't know about the years of therapy. The drugs. The attempts on my own life. My blatant disregard for my own health and safety. My lack of personal value. The number or horrible relationships I ended up in that mirrored, in some sick way, that first really awful one. He wouldn't know this. And he shouldn't really. Because in the intervening years, as most of you are aware, I've gotten help, I've healed and in general I consider myself to be as well adjusted and happy as a person who has gone through what I did can be. I live a relatively open life. I have learned to cope with my anger and fear. I am in a successful, healthy relationship. I have friends who love and support me and help me when I feel weak. Any person who looks at me would not see those hidden scars. I don't want them to.

So imagine my surprise- after all these years of being well adjusted and happy- at finding myself in the parking lot of his church Sunday night, sitting in my truck, having an utter and complete panic attack. I never even saw it coming. You know, it occurred to me as I pulled in that outside of three funerals, one wedding and a couple of Midnight Masses at Christmas (and honestly, a Catholic church is a completely different animal from a tiny protestant church) I have not set foot inside a church building since the incident as a teenager. I certainly have not been to any church without having someone whom I might consider a security blanket with me. So there I was, sitting there, feeling one hundred percent out of sorts and a little bit terrified, trying desperately to talk myself off that panic ledge. I remember telling myself how big a step it must have been for Jack to be with my family. I remember telling myself that I could be a big person. I remember telling myself that I was not going to punk out. I was already there.

And honestly, as I sat there, I reminded myself that I am different now. I know who I am. I am stronger. I am braver. I know how to protect myself. As a priestess I speak with god more often than most of these people would ever in their lives. I never thought the day would come when my being a witch would be the thing that made me brave enough to walk into a church. But it was. If I can hear the voice of god, if the goddess comes to me in my dreams, if my Grandfather and Great Grandmother and all my sacred dead can sing me to sleep on my worst nights, there was really no reason I should be worried that they would not be there for me in that moment. And so I got out of my truck.

And Jack, thank god and goddess, came out of the church just then to get something out of his truck. And he spotted me. And promptly commented on how terrified I looked. Bless his heart, he asked me if I was afraid of combusting or being struck down by god when I went inside and he laughed. I managed a smile and told him with complete honestly that I was fine with God, it was his followers that had me anxious. Bless his heart, he put his hand on me and led me in and let me sit down and I could tell he felt bad when he had to go do other things. But he did come back, and when he wasn't playing he did sit with me. I felt bad about that, really, because I feel like he was babysitting me. I know he had people he probably would rather have been with.

Did you know that all churches smell the same? I swear they do, though I didn't recognize it until now. The voices sound the same. Its like the same picture, over and over, no matter where you are. I find it ironic. The sounds are the same. The church may be different- they may see themselves as completely unique- but I swear I had been to so many before...well, before. And it doesn't look like things have changed. Which is fine for them, of course, but for me was immensely uncomfortable.

I want to say this- Jack played beautifully and I am really glad I went. I really am. I might even go again because honestly, now that I am seeing my own fear I feel like I should face it. And it wasn't so bad really, even if I am on a different page spiritually. Their pastor is really, really nice. That said, I spent a lot of the evening jumping every time there was lightening (because of course there was a storm rolling in), twisting my rain jacket in my hands in an attempt to look like I was merely chilly and not fighting the impulse to white knuckle the seats (I was not leaving!) and struggling desperately to turn off my "witch eyes" which had suddenly decided to light up like The Plaza at Christmas (let me tell you how fun it is to be seeing auras and sensing emotions and have your psychic mail box go off while you're trying to focus on something else entirely.) Obviously something about the place or the situation put me in an Alpha state, which is great. Unfortunately, I was trying to torch my own personal demons.

I think I tripped over my own feet three times in the ten yards to the door (thank the lord that everyone already knows how clumsy I am). I managed to get out of the parking lot and home without wrecking my truck. I only had a little cry after I got into bed. I managed a whole night without nighmares, though, and that's got to count for something.

I suppose I am stuck in a strange place feeling like I am really weak because I had such a crushing panic attack and being proud that I got through it. I'm still sorting out how I feel. I am still trying to sift through the emotions I had and the ones I have now. I'm trying to give myself space and think about the whys and wherefores of a building being a trigger. I can't punish myself for it. I know that. But I feel disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger.

Kitten says I am being unreasonable. That when traumatic things happen to us that we never really truly recover from them. I would never judge her for reacting to fire the way she does. I would never condemn a person who struggles with an eating disorder or addiction or any other thing that even slightly suggests less than sterling mental health. She's right, I wouldn't.

Is it wrong that I hold myself to a higher standard? Maybe, but it doesn't mean I don't.

AGxx

Its Been A Long Long Time

So I have been a very bad blogger and not posted for something like two months. I know, I know. Someone I love very much brought it to my attention this week, inadvertently, that my blogging has dropped off, and I think to myself "I should get back to that, even though there's only like, four people reading this. Because, you know, there's four people out there who care about my life. And its healthy for me to express myself."

I have two bits of good news and two bits of not so good news, so we'll cover the happy stuff first so you can bail if you want later.

Good news part one? Kitten graduated. I mentioned this before, I think. She graduated with honors. Her party went well. Everyone was nice to each other (there was some concern about that) and she had a good time. She has a new job in her career field as of last week. It pays much better than her old job, the people are nice, and its not in residential cooling, which was what she was terrified she would end up doing. She did not want to be a lackey for all the window units in this corner of our state. She isn't, and that's awesome. They're going to train her into other fields. They're going to pay for extra education. They're paying 100% of her health insurance. She loves the work already. I'l so terribly proud of her.

The other good news is that as of the day after I posted the blog previous to this one (That is, the 26 May) I have been smoke free. None, nada, zilch, no slip ups or stress smokes or I'm-trying-really-hard-so-I've-earned-ones, not even a its-giving-me-a-migraine one. NO. SMOKING. I'm pretty proud of myself. I was doing between half a pack and a whole pack a day depending, so quitting cold turkey was hard. I am pretty sure I wasn't fun to be around. It may or may not have contributed to the incident that has, in-part, kept me from blogging for the last month.
Which was this

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The vacation.

That's right. It was horrible. I'm pretty sure the smiling happened only for the camera. Well, most of the time, anyway.

For the record, I'm giving you the edited for public consumption version of this tale, because I have some semblance of respect (not a lot, but a little) for my family.

I do think that me not smoking contributed to this awful. Kitten actually begged me three days in to smoke, telling me it would be okay and I could start over when we got back to town, but by then I was three days in and I was damn well not going to give up if I didn't have to. The lack of cigarette, for the first week or so anyway, would be enough to make most people be grumpy.

The other part had a lot to do with KMom. Suffice to say our styles of travelling are different. That was a struggle for me. I'm a "lets have a plan and get directions and go do things like we planned" kind of girl. She's more of a "throw caution to the wind, work without a plan, get directions while on the street (even from bums!)" kind of girl. She's also very set in her ways, because she's lived alone for something like 12 years, she isn't used to compromising. In our household its almost all about compromising so I struggle when someone, anyone, is contrary about working as a team. Even in my coven everyone works as a team and we all make decisions based on consensus, which makes it easy for things to get done and everyone to feel like they're important. Not so with KMom. That was a problem for me. A big one.

When it came to the camping aspect it got worse. Really bad, actually. Again, that has a lot to do with me believing that camping is an act of teamwork and KMom isn't really a team player. Not to mention, despite her protestations to the contrary, she's a sissy camper. She is WAY to concerned with comfort. And she didn't like to help carry things. Or work. At all. Which naturally pissed me off. Especially when she's insisting we repack the truck (again) because she doesn't like how things are arranged (even if we are unpacking it all again in three hours). Or when we were getting ready to leave and I'm sick with a headache so bad I'm stepping off the trail to throw up while I haul coolers and bags and she stops with holding only a pillow and complains to me about how long the trail to the car is and how hot and uncomfortable she feels. Or when she's telling me that I'm making dinner wrong (How, I ask? How?) or not to her tastes. She was cranky or combative whenever we went hiking or did anything strenuous, but insisted on coming along. If it rained she would hide out in her tent. And it rained. It did. Like, a tropical storm hit one of our campsites....that was a real treat.

Here's us camping, by the way- well, k\hiking a trail at our campsite. This was our first site, at Hunting Island State Park.

She also wouldn't stop making fun of my newly discovered phobia of raccoons. It was constant. And it pissed me off.

I know its petty, but seriously. I wasn't afraid of them before. I wasn't. Its just, you know, they were everywhere. And not afraid of anything. Like, there were bear boxes for yours stuff to keep them out. Oh, and I should mention THEY WERE THE SIZE OF AN AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD. And they broke into our tent. Twice. Once was at night and it tore through the closet on our tent. Not cool. Of course I was afraid. I think this is reasonable. Especially since I was fighting off nicotine cravings and getting next to no sleep between them and the headaches I was having from what turned out to be a tropical storm depression.

Imagine this:

The size of this:

Of course it made me nervous.

There were other things that upset me too, but really, I don't think anyone would like KMom if I talked about it. And honestly, I don't want you all hating her. She's a nice lady, most of the time. She's just set in her ways, and she's still a little skittish about her relationship with Kitten and that makes her a little possessive sometimes.

There were some good parts of the trip, really. Like, you know. The food. I wept over some of the food. I love soul food. I love fried chicken and home made mashed potatoes. I love locally sourced vegetables and fruit. I like veal so fresh that it was just days from gamboling about in some farmer's field. That's good food. The whole trip was like that too- locally sourced ingredients, fresh made honey, hand made desserts. When we were eating out I was not an unhappy person. I was very happy indeed. Even the delis (and god, we had so many sandwiches at lunch because KMom doesn't like heavy food in the afternoon) were really, really good. Fresh bread, hand-sliced meats, local sauces and pickles and such. Yep, the food was amazing.

We went to a zoo. That was fun. We took a ghost tour- actually, we took two. That was amazing. I played in the ocean with Oscelot. We collected seashells at low tide. I managed to impress my ladies with my ability to cook anything in cast-iron- my meals were like we never left home thankyouverymuch. I saw my first lighthouse up close (not impressive) and drove through the Great Smokey Mountains (really impressive). I managed to whittle a new walking staff for myself. Yes, I do whittle. We saw some amazing waterfalls. We hiked in the rain (so that was both fun and awful).

It wasn't all bad. Just most of it. I'm making the best of the memories now that we're here, because I want it to be something Kitten remembers fondly. Hell, a few years from now some of this may seem funny. Maybe.

The other thing that's really kept me off the blog is I've been coping with depression again. Almost from the moment we got home I've been struggling. Some of it, I know, has to do with inadequacy issues brought on by the things that happened on the trip that I don't want to talk about. Some of it, I think, is just old issues reasserting themselves now that they have the chance. I spent the first couple of weeks back sitting in Kitten's recliner alternately weeping and moping.

I;m better now, and I've got my issues sorted out. It was not, however, conducive to me being here and sharing things with you. I credit my speedy recovery to (1) my partners, who totally didn't judge me (2) my coven, who spent plenty of time patting me on the back and letting me be totally weak even though I'm supposed to be leading (3) plenty of B vitamins and an iron supplement and (4) one conversation with one very special person that I hadn't talked to in a while. Talking to him reminded me I've been through worse and I'm tougher than I was letting myself be. It was the linchpin in my recovery.

Now that I'm back and feeling normal again, I'm going to make an effort to actually be a good blogger and put things up more than once a month or so. Maybe I'll even go back to that old blog-every-day habit I had five or six years ago....

I love you all. I want you to know that.

Its good to be home.

AGxx

I Going Home, To The Place Where I Belong

Today was my second to last day at Casa Bueno. It passed with what I can only call a feeling of ambivalence. Today was my last shift with Shorty and Flyguy. It was my last shift with my favorite cook. It was the last time I will ever arrive forty-five minutes early to work so I can make sure the salt and pepper shakers are filled before the store opens. Its the last time I'll pick up a dozen doughnuts for the Saturday morning crew. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited.

Actually, I'm really not. I'm not excited. I'm not sorry, but there isn't a sense of elation either. I think part of it is that I'm not feeling the loss of the job yet. I mean, yes, I did say goodbye to Shorty and Flyguy as a coworker today. But I know, for certain, there will be many more moments of my life to share with them. I don't feel like I am losing them. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm losing much at all. Oscelot will still be working there, which means at least twice a week I'm going to be headed up there to drop her off and pick her up from work. I'll still see all my coworkers. I really like the food, so there's no doubt in my mind I'll still go there to eat. It will be the first restaurant that I've waitressed at that I will go back and eat the food.

I think the other reason I am not terribly excited is the prospect of unemployment looming ahead of me. Thursday night when Sakura was over I had him do a tarot reading for me. As he suggested, I asked only, what is it that I most need to know? The answer was clear and very straightforward. And I should have seen it coming. It told me that I need this break. And that I am so concerned with my past issues that I am terrified of what it coming. And it's true.

See, since I was fifteen I've had a job. I've never been unemployed for more than a couple months, and even then I was actively looking for a job. This time, I'm not. I'll be at home. I'll clean, I'll cook, I'll write. But I will not be out making money and contributing to the household I live in. For various reasons, this is very scary for me. I feel like I won't be earning my keep. As Sakura put it, I feel bereft. I feel empty, like I have somehow lost part of my worth. Despite the fact that I am constantly being told otherwise by my family, I feel like this is true. Like I am somehow less valuable than I was two weeks ago.

Sakura says this is a good thing for me, this break. He says he was concerned for my health. He said there was no doubt in his mind that I was putting my health, even my life, in danger with the amount of stress I was putting on myself combined with the physicality of my job. I don't know when to say when. I don't know when to stop. Its unhealthy. He says he's relieved I am taking time to look after myself. I can't see what's coming down the road, and I have to stop worrying about it.

I know he's right. There's no way of telling what lies ahead for me. I suppose that's part of my problem. I've spent my whole life working and I've relied on my psychic sense to give me warning if something new or worrisome was on the horizon. I've never just rested and relied on someone else to take care of me. I don't like it. But I'm going to have to live with it. I suppose that I can take to heart what Tiger has been telling me, which is I need to get back to writing and try to get published. I'm a good writer, and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to make money at it. I hope she's right. But in the mean time, I am being warned I need to write for myself, and with no pressure on me to succeed, because that's when I do the best work.

So, tomorrow, my last day, I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out. There have been a lot of things happen to me since I came to Casa Bueno. I split up with BBD. I had my pseudo affair with Rogue. I ran back into my Kitten, remembered the strength that love can have and married her. I met Oscelot. She moved in with us. We started dating her. I sobered up. I met Spice (who trained me, by the way) and made friends with a wonderful woman who reminds me that intelligence and beauty are valuable qualities. I met Shorty, who reminded me that there is always a reason for our past, because it gives us the strength to love and share with new people in our lives. She taught me that first impressions aren't always right, and that given the opportunity, you can find deep friendship with a person who at first seems like they are not a kindred spirit at all. I reconnected with Sakura and found that I have a deep sense of spirituality in me, and that there are people in this world who can love you for who you are and who are willing to go to any length to help you be safe and happy. I became friends with Adidas, who shows me every day that there is more to beauty than just looks, no matter how beautiful you are (and she is). That tenderness and compassion are sometimes hidden until you look for them, and that youth does not mean ignorance, and innocence doesn't mean naivete. And I met Flyguy, who is, without a doubt, one of the most special, wonderful people I have ever known. From him I have learned that there are people who will keep your secrets no matter what. I have learned trust. I have learned that there are, yes, heterosexual men out there who can love me, find me beautiful and accept my love and affection without expecting anything from me. (Swiss, I beg pardon, I mean of course, men whom I see in person.) I have learned real friendship. He is, to me, the best man I have ever known outside of my Grandfather, which is the highest compliment I can pay him.

Through all of this I have learned so much about myself. I've learned just how far I can push myself. I've learned how far I am willing to let someone to push me. I have learned to control my colossal anger. I have learned that I have more compassion than I thought myself capable of. I have learned that I am able to learn to respect people I thought I despised. I have leaned that I am not as shy as I used to be. I learned I am able to smooth over tense situations, and that I am as good as peacemaking as I am at stirring up trouble. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, I've learned to listen. I have learned to bide my time. My faith in the goodness of people has both been shaken, and also confirmed in ways I thought impossible.

I am not leaving bereft, not totally. I cannot look at the gifts I have received and be ungrateful for them. I cannot look at the love and friendship I have been given and wish I had spent my time better. I told Flyguy today that I am happy I worked at Casa Bueno long enough to have met him. I know fate would have found a way to bring him to me, but I am glad that in this case, I didn't have to wait, didn't have to wonder. I am blessed.

This will be, I think, the last time I ever work in food service. My mom tells me to never say never, but I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep it that way. I may be good at it, but truthfully, my temperament have never been suited to it. I'm taking what I can, and I will use what I have learned to make me a better person.

I'm not sure how I feel, really. Nostalgic, yes. Scared, of course. I am anticipating the coming months. I am unsure of who I am now, and who I may become. I suppose I should be excited about that. There's something beautiful about the wild unknown, right? We'll see. I'm still unsure. But then, I feel so sure about so many things, maybe this is just a new lesson for me to learn.

Oh- and in the process of telling some of my regular customers goodbye, I've found there are actually some of them who like me for who I am and not my waitressing abilities. I actually swapped email and phone numbers with Hot Doctor, whom  I have long wanted to. I figured now was the time to ask, since there was as little risk involved as possible. If I was gone, she wouldn't have to avoid the store because she said no, she didn't want to meet me socially. Fortunately, she is as nice a person as I thought, and she actually wants to attempt a friendship. We'll see. As I told her, she's a little older than me, and a doctor, and I am after all, a 30 year old waitress. There's a bit of a difference between us. Hopefully I'm right, and the mind I've always loved myself for is there, and its something I can still find value in. Something that can win me friends and respect, despite the fact that I have no personal accomplishments to speak of.

I'm signing off. I've written my emotions out, I think. I'll part with these thoughts. Thank you, to you readers, who have been there for me, supporting me in this and all of my wild decisions. I need it, and you never let me down. Also, if you haven't, click my link toSwisslet. He's running a half-marathon tomorrow and he's raising money for cancer research. He's a great guy and its a great cause. Go donate, if you can. (Good luck Swiss, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and wishing you all the best!)

I love you all.
AGxx

Someone Loves You

Today is my Monday and I'm starting off a new work week for me. I usually wake up Thursdays and groan a little bit, because I'm so tired, but honestly I woke up today and I was ready to meet it. Yesterday was Lammas (also called Lughnasadh) and it was a nice night for me.

Rather than doing a formal ritual our group did some relaxing celebrating. We added to our wreath that we made at Beltane and filled it full of the blessings we've reaped so far this year. Lammas is our first harvest holiday, so its a good time to give thanks for the things in your life. Its a time to reflect and think of the coming months. Its a wonderful holiday. We had a picnic in my house (its back to hundred degree weather) and we drank special tea made with sacred herbs to the holiday that Kitten made. Because Lammas is also a holiday that encourages games of skill and sport, we played a game together. We're not a particularly athletic group, and honestly, going out in the heat to have three legged races and such sounded moronic. But it was a good time, we enjoyed ourselves a lot.

I think that's part of the reason I'm so happy, despite the early hour of my rising, and it being the beginning of the week for me. I was thinking, as I fell asleep last night, it takes a lot of work to keep the heart young, to let the soul age and to let your spirit be ageless. I think I am learning how that is done.

One thing I feel I must mention, Sakura has been such a blessing to me. I was talking about it last night. Of all the things I have reaped in the last year, having him as a spiritual companion has been one of the best parts of my life. I am very lucky to have him beside me, listening to me when I need an ear, offering advice when I am unsure how to act, and loving me in spite of the many mistakes I make. Its good to know I have him there when things get a little hot, because he knows how to handle the fire in my personality.

This next week seems like it is going to be just as busy as the last one. Spice's birthday is coming up, and we were noticing that its been a while since we took the time to get together with our friends just to hang out and have a good time. The last time we did it was February, when we had Thanksgiving in February. So this week we are having Half Christmas (or Half Christmahannukwanzule) at our house. Everyone is taking time to cook some dishes, chip in for a giant ham, and I am going to break out the long table so we can have a big dinner together. We're all picking up inexpensive (naughty) gifts to have a present swap, and we're planning on passing a few surprises out for Spice, since its her birthday celebration too. I'm really looking forward to it.

I did a spell for a friend last week, with the help of Sakura, and I am anxious to see how it turned out. The effects should have been almost immediate, so this weekend I'll hopefully hear that my proficiency in one of my chosen specialties has moved into adeptness. Speaking of spells, its time for me to reward my home, and that's going to require a lot of planning and patience, and some quick action. I want to get it done as soon as possible. I have every faith in my abilities, but that doesn't mean I like to leave things hanging.

On top of all that crazy, I am going to start planning the ritual for my favorite holiday, Mabon, with Kitten. This month will be the month that we finally initiate Felix into the Outer Court. I've got to start planning for Kitten going back to school, and I am ready to see all the changes that we've been planning on starting to manifest.

Emotionally, I think I'm in a pretty good place right now. I realized when we were at the fair on Tuesday that I've changed more than I thought I had. I am a very happy person. I used to say it was hard to make me laugh, but laughter is something that comes quickly and easily for me now. Its not hard to make me smile, and its a lot more difficult to catch me in a foul mood. I feel like I am learning to accept the love of the people around me, and while I have always considered myself a fairly loving person, it is much easier to give it now than it was for me a year or two ago.

I think its telling, too, that I was looking for discernment when I worked my last transformation rite, and when I asked for it, I don't think I was really thinking about the consequences of that request. I'm not sorry I did it, but the last few months have been very interesting for me. I've struggled with personal issues that I needed to deal with, which I brought to the forefront of my life by doing that work. I think I was ready for it, and now, two months into that work, I feel like I am learning to make headway at last. Its not easy, the things that have been placed in my path are not always sweet, or good, but I'm getting there. Learning to let my Type A perfectionism take a back seat to my own happiness on occasion has been tough. Seeing the lessons that have been put clearly in front of me has been hard. But there is a sweet joy in the learning now. What would have caused me pain and stress even three or four months ago I am able to take in stride now.

I feel like I am finally walking upright.

This post may wander a bit, but I suppose the idea for me was to speak to the fullness of my life. I am very full. I couldn't ask for more than that. Fullness sometimes means craziness and stress and intensity, but by comparison, I'll take that over the howling wilderness that was my life four years ago any day.

Bright Blessings my friends.
AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

It Feels Like Home

The last few days have been really good to me. I've had a really productive week and I feel like things are really lining up for me. I've been making a lot of personal progress, and things have been going well with the more nuts and bolts part of my life too. Its really nice.

This week we had a meeting at Casa Bueno. That may not sound very interesting, but in the five years I have worked there, I have never once seen a staff meeting. Not once, until now. This week our regional manager from corporate called a meeting and we got together to talk about changes the company is making. I'm pretty excited about it. The meeting itself wasn't full of too much news, not anything we hadn't heard already anyway. It was more of a chance for our RM to talk to us about company philosophy and the new direction we're moving. The interesting stuff is the actual changes that are going to be made.

Our stores are all going to be remodeled, over a period of time of course. The big note there is that we'll have to earn one, and frankly, I think we can do it. If the talk we had was any indicator, we're on track already. My staff know how to relate to guests. They know how to act like professionals. They are full of enthusiasm and energy when they work. I like that about our team. You only had to look at them at the meeting to see it. Outside of the people who had just finished a shift and were in uniform, everyone took the time to clean up and look nice, even though no one was going to see us. We care about what we do. Everyone sat close to each other, and though there is a little grouping off, the groups still talked to each other. Everyone had a good time together before we got to the brass tax part of the meeting. We're getting new uniforms, which I can't wait for. They'll look a lot more professional, much cleaner and much more in line with what we want for our company. We're designing new lines of food and new plating for old favorites. We're updating our style, and I think we're all excited about it.

I spoke to Mr. Boss yesterday about whether or not he would let me do some off the clock liquor classes. Its one of the few things I think we really need to work on. When you work in a Mexican restaurant, its pretty important to have a working knowledge of both tequila and import beers- if you want to sell them. I want us to, and an increase in liquor sales won't hurt anyone. My idea was I would come in and offer once a week to take volunteers to study tequila that we carry and learn how to sell it. The overagers would have a tasting class so they would be familiar with the flavors of the alcohol. I think it would work to all of our advantage. If I picked up a pizza and we relaxed, I think it would go over well. Almost every Italian restaurant I know of has something like this and I think we would benefit from advanced knowledge. If you, as a guest, don't know that an Anejo is better than a Reposado, and I don't tell you then I don't get that upsell and you don't get as nice a drink. We'll see. If he agrees and it works, I think some of our other trainers could offer classes on hospitality and menu knowledge, and we could really improve our personal product. That's where we can get better. Because really, our food is excellent, and having eaten there for five years (15000 meals, I've done the math) I would know.

In other non-work but still work related news, Sakura and I are making huge progress on our Litha ritual, which is the next holiday we have coming. We're already blocking it out, and its nice to see how things are shaping up. Usually I do ritual alone, and I won't have time to practice and this makes things much simpler. He and I (to the amusement of my neighbors, no doubt) have spent enough time wandering around in my back yard to start tanning. More important than our crispy skin, though, we've found where the kinks are in the ritual, and we're ironing them out. Spell supplies are almost completely purchased, and we've moved on to writing a detailed outline that rather looks like a play. It tells us exactly where to step, where to move and when to do it. I like it, because reading through it as we write it out helps me learn all the words. Because the memorization part is coming, and that's going to be the hardest part.

Most rituals run between and hour and an hour and a half. That is a lot of prose to keep in your head, even if you did write most of it. It is nice to have Sakura on board because that means I have half the memorizing to do, and I like that. My memory isn't what it used to be. On top of that, having him there means if I hit a wall, he can have my back because he knows exactly where we are headed. There are other challenges of course. We bought a fire pit this week. Prior to this we just used one that was dug out in the back yard. Unfortunately, or blessedly depending on how you look at it, Hydra -the giant five trunked walnut in our backyard, has gown so that she hangs over the fire pit. Good for her, until we light a fire. So, the fire pit must be moved. We've relocated farther back into the yard, but digging out another spot seemed like a pain in the butt. So when Kitten and I were last at Local Home Improvement Center, we looked at the fire pits. We found one that looks like a gigantic cauldron and fell in love. As soon as it stops raining (no, I am not complaining, we needed it badly) we're going to head out to the back and make a beautiful place for our new fire pit to rest.

Of course, the fire pit itself is only one of the challenges. We've got to figure out how to build a flammable figure that looks like a person (its not what you think, I promise) so we can chuck it in the fire. This little effigy also has to have a stomach that opens so we can put things in it. I'm thinking on it, and I haven't come up with a good solution yet. Given time, though, I'm sure we will. I just need to have it figured out by June 13, which is when we are doing our full practice run. (We are using a lot of fire, practice prevents accidents)

With all the work on Litha we have of course been thinking about personal transformation. This leads us to thoughts of our goals and what we want for the future. I think things are shaping up nicely. Sakura has decided (well, decided a while ago) that he wants to move up to Portland with us when we go. We've got another two or three years depending on how things shape out. We had discussed with him that of course if he came at the same time we did, which we expected, that he could stay in our home with us until he found a place of his own. Then the thought struck us all, why not get a house big enough for all four of us, and just do what we pretty well do now- spend every day together?

We liked it. Everyone agreed. Which meant a few days of sitting and planning out what sort of house we would like, how much space we would need, and how much money we would want when we finally took off for the rose city. The decision we reached was we wanted one with two master suites or with an in-laws quarters. We appreciate Sakura's need to have his own space and be able to be away from the ladies every now and again. We agreed a family room or a great room would be necessary, because he has a ton of books too, and a library is a must for all of us, and we'd like it not to be in our dining room area this time. We all agree we want a separate space set aside from the rest of the house to practice our Craft in, somewhere sacred and used only for that purpose. We want a big kitchen, a place to entertain guests. We also want a guest room, so our families and friends can come to visit us. For Sakura and I, there was also the yard. We need one. We need a big back yard, with a privacy fence and plenty of green. I want a deck or a covered porch to fill with ivy and climbing roses and put a hot tub on. The hot tub, for me, is not negotiable. I want one. It will be good for everyone's health. Plus its great after a long day at work.

It seems like a lot to want, but believe it or not, we found plenty of houses in Portland proper, not the suburbs, that fit this description, and most of them fell in the $170,000 to $250,000 range. That sounds like a lot of money, but we've all taken the time to do a budget as a family, and in three years we'll have approximately $100,000 to pay as a down payment on a house. Even at a 6% interest rate, lord save us, that would put us at a mortgage of about $400 a month, if we did a 20-30 year mortgage. That's less than what we pay now. Its completely feasible.

As if the Spirit has been hinting this at us all along, Sakura's lease on his apartment is up this month. Last week, the renters that we didn't care for in the house next to us moved out. The house will be for rent in a few day's time, and its well within Sakura's price range, especially now that he has a new job. There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. For us, this was a signal that we've got the right idea, and next door is the next best thing to in our house, which we would happily welcome him into now, were it not so effing small. 900 square feet is barely enough for three plus the cats. There's no way any of us would be happy if we added more.

Either way, we spent most of last night looking at homes. We took time to break, study the lesson for this week, and do our meditations. But, for the most part, we talked about our new home. We talked about budgeting, about what kinds of jobs we wanted and expected. We talked about school and financial investments. We talked about living in a child free household. We also daydreamed about box seats at the opera, symphony and ballet. (Yeah, we're snobs) It was a great evening for us, as a family. I feel more at home, happier and more on track. Kitten and I were talking about it Wednesday, that its nice to have people who help keep you on track, who give you perspective, and who push you towards your goals- not roughly, but with gentle love and encouragement. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the big picture. But life is always a matter of how you frame it.

I've got a really beautiful life. I've got a lot of loving people who make life good for me. I'm lucky because when I do move, one of the best women I've ever met and her delightful husband are already waiting for us. The people I love will be coming with me. There's a few I'll be reluctant to leave behind, but that's not saying that over the next three years I can't talk them into coming with us too. As for my future home, I hope that I'll be able to fill it with as much love and laughter as the one I live in now. Those thing have a tendency to multiply, I know, so I don't think it will be too much a challenge.

Lucky, Lucky me. I'll leave the light on and the key out when I get there. You know you're welcome.

AGxx

You Were Never Very Kind

Over the last week or so my group of friends (more specifically, most of the people in my coven) and I have been talking about our personalities. Part of this came from a discussion on a section of study we're going to be working on in about two years. I know that seems like a long way out, but honestly, sometimes studying the craft is a lot like college. You have to go through the courses in the correct order.

Anyway, we were talking about this particular part of study because its very intense. Its what we call "shadow work" and is much deeper than what we're doing right now. The entire course will focus on the darker part of the self- the parts of you that aren't necessarily pleasant. Its about facing your demons and dealing with the harder emotional aspects of life. This got us on a discussion of our personalities because we were thinking about who would be effected the hardest in our group. Taking time to emotionally prepare for a big journey is always important, and this one certainly will be. Later in the week I had a girl, Adidas, over and we were again turned to the topic of personality. Part of this stemmed from me filling her in on a piece of my personal drama I've been dealing with because my personality has made the situation more difficult, for better or for worse. She was getting a fill in because I was doing some work for her, and while she was over Sakura and I threw a tarot spread about my little issue.

It led me to think about me as a person, because honestly, these things make you think about what you're really like. If you were to think about yourself, and you were to ask how someone might describe you to a total stranger, what do you think they'd say? Honestly, I think the words nice, friendly, outgoing, compassionate, caring, bouncy are not words that would come to mind for me. They would describe Oscelot well, but not me. Sakura, for example, I would say is energetic, caring and funny. He has a ton of energy. He's really smart. So where do I fall?

If I were to stick with Wiccan explanations of my personality, there's be a strong general theme. Take, for example, the cards that usually represent me in a Tarot spread. When you are laying a tarot spread (the traditional Celtic Cross) and I come up in a reading I am always one of three cards: The Queen of Swords, The Empress, or The High Priestess. All of these are great cards, but they're not what you'd call fluffy bunny cards.

The Queen of Swords, for example, is a pretty aggressive gal. She's the representation of a woman alone. Key words for her would be strong will, sharp wit, sarcasm, ambition, independence, and perceptiveness. She's a woman who has known sorrow and now remains aloof. She is someone who has suffered loss and hardship. She can be intelligent, witty and analytical. She's strong willed and ambitious. Sometimes cold. She values prestige and success. And that's when she's in her upright position. When she's inverted she's even scarier. In fact, Anthony Lewis describes her in his "Tarot Plain and Simple" book as "a real bitch." His words, not mine. When she's inverted she is sly, vindictive and manipulative. She's embittered and hostile as a result of hardship or emotional lost. She is clever, verbally skillful and a very dangerous enemy because she operates in secret.  The Queen of Swords is the personification of wrath.

Honestly, I think this card suits me pretty well. If we're talking honestly, and I think we are, I can be pretty aggressive. I know I'm a smart girl, and I catch things other people don't think I do, which is fine because I generally use that information to my advantage later. I've known my fair share of sorrow and hurt, sometimes I think more than my fair share...but then, some of it I brought on myself. I won't lie, I'm very much like the inverted Queen of Swords when I have my angry on. I haven't been her as much in the last six months or so, and i think that's indication of my personal progress in dealing with my anger issues. However, when I am angry, there is no doubt I am all of those things. And truly, if you've done me a wrong and you think I don't know and I do? I'll admit I work in the shadows, because being patient works better for me when I know a payoff is coming, even if its only me watching you shoot yourself in the foot. 

The Empress is the mother card. She is the Jungian anima archetype. She is an earth mother, a regal woman. She is creative, and has power and authority. She is helpful, and full of influence. She is the representation of beauty, sensuality and fertility. On the up side, she represents the ability to receive and give love. Which is awesome. She is the card that represents the successful results of hard work. Inverted, she's a hot mess. She's icy, and emotionally unstable. She's promiscuous. She is the symbol of blocked development. I'm not the empress as often as I am the other two, but I think that's because most of the time when I pop up in a reading as her, its because I do have a nurturing side, of you're close to me.Still, if you've ever made your mom angry, you know how formidable she can be.

The High Priestess has been my bag more and more lately, and I honestly think I am okay without that. I mean, the virgin daughter archetype surely doesn't apply to me, but her being the representation of intuitive awareness is. Key words for her would be secrets, mystery in the inner world, trusting your inner voice, esoteric knowledge, looking within. As a person she is a psychic, a counselor and an adept. She is an intuitive confidante and a sensitive person. She is a female Luke Skywalker, a personal Fairy Godmother. Inverted she is a manipulative person. A secretive enemy who can be cruel. She is promiscuous and self destructive. She can be shallow and superficial. She is the symbol of willfully ignoring your inner voice.

If that's not me, I don't know what is, honestly. I can be a good friend, a good psychic. I can be intuitive and caring. I am sensitive. But truly, when you catch me on the flipside, I'm more unpleasant than that. I think the high Preistess is a symbol of my approaching balance, the person I can be once I have my anger more under control. Once I face my shadows. I am her more and more. I see her as an amalgamation of the two cards above.*

So, you know, looking at the tarot, I look pretty scary on paper. If you were to ask me what I am like to an astrologer they would tell you other things, also true. My Natal Chart is a great way to demonstrate that. For example, it would tell you my Sun sign, Capricorn, makes me serious and mature. I get angry when people get rewards after not working as hard as me. It (rightly) describes me as persistent, tenacious and tireless in my quest for things I want. However, it would also tell you my Gemini rising sign means I talk all the time, and that I love to read. It would tell you that I am extremely active by nature and that I look younger than I really am, and likely always will. It would tell you that I have a high level of nervous tension, too, and anyone who works with me can confirm that.

My moon sign, Aries, is indicative of why I have a tendency to hair trigger react and let things "all hang out." It explains that I get into trouble because I have a habit of acting before I think. It also mentions that I have quite a temper, but I don't hold grudges. This, for the most part, is true. I really do have a spectacular temper, but I can usually let it go- unless its something really big. I'm only human after all. Venus in Aquarius, as she occurs at the moment of my birth, explains why I tend to collect a lot of friends, but most of them are odd- even if I do find them exciting and different. And Mercury, my favorite little retrograde mover, was in Capricorn at my birth too. An astrologer would tell you that its why I'm interested in things that are practical and useful to me. It warns me of being narrow minded and dogmatic. It also points out that my sense of humor is both earthy and almost slapstick crude. If you've read this blog for any period of time at all you can confirm this yourself.

But say you're like Flyguy and you think astrology is a huge lot of hooey that anyone can bend to make sense. What other indicators are there of my personality? My totem animals are Panthers, Spiders, Owls and Turtles. None of those are particularly cuddly. (I could go into what they mean, and if you want me to some time, I will, but I think just thinking about them is enough, don't you?) My patron deity as a male is a Voodoo god of sex and death. My patron deity as a woman is a Voodoo goddess made of snakes. I mean, honestly, I couldn't swing a fluffy bunny if I tried. Even the closest things I get to cheerful- like Bacchus, are still pretty intense.

So where does this leave me? Are these things true? Yeah. I think if I'm honest with myself, they are. Are they the only true things about me? No, I don't think so.

I know that I can be a compassionate person. I wouldn't have 15 cats sleeping on my porch if I weren't. I'd just call animal control and be rid of them rather than trying to find them homes. (Although, believe me, the thought has crossed my mind- albeit briefly) I am loving and kind to people that I am close to. I feel the emotions of others very deeply. I can be cold and manipulative, but I can also be warm and open. I like people to like me, and honestly, my personality makes it so that I'm rather hard to love. So when someone makes an effort to know me, I'm an open book, and usually a blanket and a cup of tea to go with it.

My home is open to anyone I know. I have no problem listening to others. I care for people, and what happens to them. Even if I don't like them. Well, there's a few exceptions to that one too, but lets keep chalking that up to me being human. I'm always willing to brew a cuppa and sit down and listen. I'm very rarely judgmental.I know people make mistakes. I've made enough of them in my time to be willing to let that go.

If I love you there is no question about my loyalty. I will stick with it and give you 110%. Honestly, I have a habit of being overbearing in my affections for my loved ones. I can make you crazy with my affection. I've been accused, probably correctly, of treating my close friends like lovers. Well, short the sex. Absent that, its pretty close to the truth. I'll admit it. Whether its a shortcoming or a beneficial aspect of my personality I am unsure, but its there.

I think its impossible to give a complete, accurate description of one person to another. On paper, I look like a psychopath. And maybe I am, just a little. But then. I am also a really great, really fun person when you get to know me. If you take the time, I'm pretty cool. But then, I'm biased and full of my own power, aren't I?

If you were describing me to another person, and being honest, how would you do it? Leave me a message and I'll be happy to do the same for you. So long as you promise not to be offended by my now famed lack of filter.

Love you all, like I love myself.
AGxx

*Incidentally, these cards are all from the Gilded Tarot deck and are very lovely. It is not one of the decks I use, but I might need to get ahold of them. Either way, those are not my artwork, I'm sure you know that.

I'll Be Waiting, Time After Time

This week was a big week in news for me, as regards my dear friend Perpet. Most of you have been here long enough to know she is one of the very best friends I have ever had, if not the very best friend I ever had. She's a wonderful, caring person- not to mention a kick ass writer and a huge inspiration to me. This week was her and The Boy's four year wedding anniversary. I also found out this week that she's graduating, and she will have her master's by the end of this month. I couldn't be more proud. Seriously. Even if I had done it myself. I've never known someone who works as hard or is as brilliant as she is.

Over the last (good lord, has it been this long?) eight years, Perpet has been a great friend. We hit it off right away...she and I always had a natural rapport that has become much more than that over the years. I've seen her grow and change and become a very successful, determined woman. She was already, but man- it amazes me how much a person can apply themselves. I learned that from her. She's been there for me through a bad breakup, a terrible relationship, and I will never be more proud of who I chose to stand by me at my handfasting. She is, beyond a doubt, one of the few people I trust not only with my life, but my spirit as well. I know she is a person who can see things clearly, and who will shoot strait with me, even when she knows I don't want to hear what she has to say. Even if she is right. And she always is...

All this thinking about her has prompted me to think about friendship in general, because when you get to thinking about your best friend, you naturally think about the things that make them the person who is most close to you. I'll tell you something, I've been doing some evaluating, and I've come to the conclusion I am a damn lucky woman because I have several very, very good friends. They have taught me so much about what kind of person I am, and by watching them live, what kind of person I want to be. That's not to say I want to be just like my friends, I want to be just like me- but they do give me perspective when I need it most.

Some of the things I've learned, and been pondering over the last week:

A good friend will always love you, even when you're ugly. It doesn't matter what you're going through or where you are in your life. A good friend will stick it out with you. Perpet has done more than her fair share of this. While I'm dropping names, I might mention Flyguy and Sakura too. None of them are afraid to see me at my worst. If I had a dollar for every time one of the three of them was holding me while I was sick, or in the hospital or when I was a crying, shivering wreck I'd have a lot less bills to pay. A friend isn't afraid to see you sick, or hurting or angry. They aren't afraid to look at you when  there's nothing attractive about your appearance or your personality. I'm fortunate, because over the last few years, there have been a lot of times when I was an ugly person- I let my anger get in the way, or I let myself be sick because I didn't have the energy to be anything else. I let my fears take me over. And my friends, my very dear friends, were there the whole time, holding my hand and telling me I could get through this and of course I was beautiful to them, even if I was pale, shaky and covered in puke.

A good friend will call you on your bullshit. When you're wrecking your life they are there to tell you. Even when you don't want to listen. Even when it hurts. They love you enough to tell you. Are you mad at someone for no good reason? They'll tell you. Are you being selfish and shallow? Guess what? You're going to hear about it. Are you getting ready to make a decision that will mess your life up for a good deal of time to come? They aren't going to let you do it without telling you first that they would hate to see you do it. I'm grateful for all the times I've had someone to say "Alecya, you're being a dumbass, seriously." Most of the time they can bring me around. And when they haven't, I'm lucky they stuck it out and helped me through a mess I made all by my lonesome.

A good friend has your back, all the time. You can trust them. I can count on my hand the number of people I am not dating that I would trust with my life. Those are the people who matter most. Well, I take that back. Present company included (That's you Aravis, Mark and Swiss) I can count them on one hand. I'd say I have a few people who read this blog who would take a hit for me. Lord knows they've been there offering support and comfort when I needed it, even if they were thousands of miles away. Point is, these are the people I know I can tell my secrets to. The ones who will listen without judging me, the ones who will hold their peace and let me know that whatever it is I've got buried inside of me, they're going to help me carry that burden. When the shit hits the fan, these are the people who are going to be there, heavy object in hand, wanting to know whose ass they are going to kick first. I love them for it. These are the people I know who will help me out of a jam, loan me $10 if I need it, offer a hand when I feel like I've fallen so far I can't been seen by the world anymore. These are the people you can trust to never abandon you, no matter how bad its gotten, who only ask "what is it you need me to do?" And you know, the moment that they ask, that they'll do whatever it takes to make things right for you.

More than those things though, a good friend will make you laugh, make you smile. That's something that I think we sell short on the list of friend qualities because we take it for granted too often. The people I love most can make me smile just by seeing them. They do little things to make my day better. For example, Sakura dropped by work yesterday to see me, just because he knew it would make my day better. I love that about him. When I think I can't take another minute...he's there to bring a little sunshine into my life. I love that when I call my friends, or when I talk to them, they get to hear that full throated bark that is my excuse for a laugh, because they bring out the best in me. They make me happy, just by being near me. They're the people who always know what to say to make me smile. The people I share inside jokes with. The ones who understand my sense of humor and appreciate it. That counts for so much. When I've had a long day, or even a good one, its nice to know they are there at the end of it, ready to share, looking forward to relaxing and being there for each other, even in the good times.

And I want to say this, because this is important- the people who love me, the ones I love...they share my joy with me. There's never any jealousy about our lives. When something great happens (like Sakura getting a fabulous new job -congrats- or a pretty girl giving Flyguy her number) we're there to share that. I'm not bitter, I'm delighted, and nothing makes me happier than to settle down at my kitchen table, laugh and share a glass of tea and celebrate the wonderful things that happen to us. Because being a good friend is more than being there when the times get tough. Its about being there period.

My friends have taught me to celebrate every moment of my life. They've taught me to live every second to its fullest. Its a beautiful thing. I'm lucky to have people in my life that want me to grow and get better, who cheer on my successes and who dance with me for no good reason at all. In the Craft we have a phrase "Perfect Love and Perfect Trust". That's how I feel about my friends. It doesn't mean you never let each other down, because you're human and you're bound to screw up. And it doesn't mean you have to be okay with everything a person does. What it does mean is that you come from a place of love whenever you are with a person, that you love them in spite of their faults, unconditionally. And when a person does hurt you, you trust that you can work it out, and that you (or they) will make sure that never happens again, as much as you can. You trust that they have the intention of being good and loving you too. In Wicca, you cannot make magick in a circle without perfect love and perfect trust. You aren't even allowed into a circle without being in that state. I think true friendship works the same way, and that's why a good friendship feels magical.

To all my friends that I know read here, thank you. I am blessed to have you in my life. I am fortunate to have your love and trust, and I hope that I will always honor that. For all the things you have taught me, I hope at some point I have brought you clarity and insight too. I hope that I will always be the one you think of turning to when things start to suck, because Goddess knows I look to you when my world starts to spin a little too fast for my tastes. And to Perpet, my dear, darling friend, i know you're reading. I could say this in private, but I am-you know- completely unashamed of the wonderful friendship we have; you are a wonderful woman. I love you. Thank you for all the support and goodness you have shown me over the years. You are a blessing to my life. And I am more proud of you than you will ever know, because the joy and happiness you bring to my life is something that can never be properly expressed.

AGxx

My Life Is Brilliant, My Love is Pure

Wow. Another month come and gone and I have been a very lazy blogger. I've been a very busy girl, though.

For those of you who aren't pagan, Tuesday was a holiday for us- Beltane. Most people call it May Day. For us, it is a holiday of fertility*. In our mythos, it is the day that the Lord and Lady connsumate their union. Its a really fun holiday. My coven had a really good time.

I actually started planning for Beltane way in advance this year, which is good. Last year, I might add, Beltane was the first holiday that our coven celebrated together so this year it was the one year anniversary of our founding. I've been trying to keep ahead of the game while the keeping ahead is good. Sakura and I are already planning Litha, our next holiday and Oscelot and I are working on Lammas together which is the one that follows after that. Its nice to have support and to have everyone pitching in.

The ritual went off without many issues. Now, originally we were going to do it outside, because its a great holiday for the outside and we like to be outdoors for ritual as much as possible. Unfortunately for our plans, though, it stormed the night before and our space was a bit like a bog. So, indoors we went. I wasn't bitter, its been hot already and the plants need the rain badly. I had backup plans anyway. Instead of a maypole we had a wreath that we baided indoors, so that worked out. We still giggled and had a good time. Rather than a belfire we had a big ring of candles in the floor, so we stepped over rather than jumped. But it was good.

For various and sundry reasons it turned out that only the founding members of our coven were able to be at ritual. It was a special night for us, we got to take time to look back and see how much progress we've made in the last year. Its meteoric, honestly. I'm really proud of everyone. Having that chance to be with the people we started with was really special. I enjoyed it quite a bit. We also got to take time to affirm the new goals we have for ourselves, and there is no doubt in my mind that we will meet them.

I look forward and i see us meeting our challenges head on. I'm excited to see the progress we're making. A year ago Oscelot could barely focus, and now she is earthing well, selecting a specialty and dare I say it- writing a lot better than I do when it comes to ritual prose and poetry. It puts me to shame. The stuff she wrote for this last one was beautiful and it stirred us in new ways. I was super proud. Sakura is becoming more and more the partner I've needed in the journey, and his wisdom and insight are always healthy for me. For being a fire sign, he has a remarkable way of grounding me. I suppose he's good at taming the fire inside me, the same way I am good at nourishing the things that grow inside of him. Kitten is a total powerhouse, and watching her work with her new specialty is amazing. Some nights we'll sit and work and do our instructions and I would swear she was tuning out from her place in the captains chair if it weren't for the fact that she always retains whatever it is we're talking about- whether she's listening or reading a book or staring off into space. I appreciate that about her.

As for me, I've found my no-space. I've learned to let things pass through me, so I can be more objective. I also have learned to make peace with my own psychic abilities, which are far different from those of the people in our group. It took me a long time to recognize that while I don't receive epic visions in meditation, I don't have wild dreams every night guiding me and while my vistis from my patron deities are far less frequent than those in our group, I still have gifts that other people can recognize. My innate sense of "knowing" is a wonderfl thing, something I took for granted up until recently. I never took time to appreciate that I can sense an aura without seeing it, that I can read tarot but I don't need the cards, that palmistry is second nature to me and that there's a letterbox in my head where I get direct messages without having to meditate. That's no small thing, and I didn't see that for a while.

With these moments of recognition, I can see where it is that I have most to grow. I have control issues still, personally and magically. The more I recognize it, though, the more I am able to learn control. I've began journaling more lately, and with it has come the realization that while I love myself, there are some parts of myself that I really don't like. I know (and don't object, those of you whom I know love me) that I am a vain person, that I'm proud, that I have a hard time letting things go and that I have a tendency to become obsessive about things. These are all faults, but they are things that if I face head on, I can turn to my advantage. Vanity can become confidence and self love. Pride can stimulate quiet humility and expertise when controlled. Obsession can become dedication if I allow myself to learn when and where to apply my ability to tune other things out in the determination to have what I seek. All of these things are good for me, if I let them be positive traits rather than negative ones. All I have to do now is learn how to do that.

Yesterday afternoon I cleansed, consecrated and empowered some of my newer magickal tools. One of them was a scrying mirror I purchased some months ago. At Sakura's wise suggestion, I empowered it with truth. I think he hit the nail on the head. With all of my abilities, I need to learn to seek what is real. What is honest and what is right. I think that's something I am learning to do. As I begin to use it, and as I work through my issues each day, I know that I have to take time to step away from my intense emotions, and my indecisions and feelings of doubt and become aware of what is true and real. I think my life will be much simpler if I can do that.

I expect things will get harder before they get easier. The last month hasn't exactly been a picnic for me. I know I spoke about the trip to the hospital, and I think even now I am feeling the effects of that visit. I am still tired quite a bit. Although I am no longer in pain, I know its almost time for me to cycle again, and I worry about how it will feel this time. I've been feeling more stressed, because the busy days are coming at work and I've got to keep my head on strait if I want to be successful there.

Personally, I've found my relationships becoming more complicated. I've discovered recently that some people I know are not entirely what I thought they were. This isn't a bad thing, just new. While it is something that takes perspective adjustment to get used to, I think its something that has made me as a person see things more clearly. I've discovered sometimes I make assumptions about people, and they aren't always right. I've discovered that I sometimes assume other people know how I feel, and they don't.

More than that, I've discovered that there are a lot of people in my life that I thought understood me, and they don't. It turns out that my motivations seem just as mysterious to other people as theirs do to me, regardless of how much I think I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think I'm really clear about my intentions through action and word. I feel like I'm honest about how I feel about things. But somehow, I'm not being clear enough. I find that frustrating, but I'll work to be more clear and to be more (heaven forbid!) direct about my wants, needs and opinions. Somehow, in the last month or so, I've discovered that even the people I know best, that know me best, are sometimes incorrect about the way I look at life.

I was discussing this with a couple of people the other day, because I am constantly suprised by the amount of people who see me as a cheerful person who is always in control. They see my life trucking along at a good pace. They see me as some sort of charismatic person who is able to win others over and get people to work with them at no cost of effort to myself. It amazes me. Because honestly, I'm not happy all the time. I have a happy life, but that's very different from me never feeling the effects of stress and anxiety. I have to work hard to control my emotions, and sometimes I don't think I do that great of a job at it either. I struggle, nearly every day, with the emotional burdens that I carry. My life does not run as smoothly as everyone seems to think it does.

Now, I do want to say, I have a good life. I have good friends that I love. I have a couple friends I am very close to, that I know would do anything for me, who accept me as I am- seeing those flaws other people look past and loving me (not just in spite of) because of them. I am learning to handle my stress and anxiety, i am becoming less stressed than I was. But those things that stress me out (work, coven issues, family issues, my personal and emotional issues, Kitten's school and work, etc) are never going to go away. I can only do my best to assimilate those things into my life in a manner that's conducive to me dealing with them. I'm extremely fortunate that I have people in my life who don't care that I'm an emotional mess sometimes, because they know that when they need me I'm going to be there to help them sweep up the remnants of whatever wreck they're in.

This has definately been  a month for reflection, growth and shadow work for me. I'm looking forward to May being a more upbeat, cheerful month. My garden is in bloom, the girls and I set about making the one in the back a little healthier. I've got big plans, and if Kitten's intership falls through I've already gotten permission to go ahead with her suprises, she'll jsut help us with them. Life at my work has been more peaceful lately, and its looking like we're getting some new stuff, making some big changes company wide, and i'm pretty excited about them. Of course, its also always a huge comfort to know I've got Shorty, Spice and Flyguy there for me, and not a day goes by that I don't work with either one of them, or with Oscelot. I've got a great support system.

In other interesting May Day news, I actually took the time to get flowers for some of the people in my life. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the custom, but on May Day you're supposed to get up early and leave flowers at the door of people you love. Each flower means something different, so selecting them is part of the fun. This year we got Kitten's mom Orchids. We actually bought her and my mom and Grandma potted plants so they could enjoy them for more than a few days. Orchids are for regal beauty. If I had a picture of Kitten's mom, I would post it so you could see, as Sakura puts it "There's no question where Kitten gets her good looks." I bought my mom a lavendar plant. Now, I didn't know when I purchased it (because I didn't have my book with me) lavendar is meant to mean distrust. I actually trust my mom now more than I ever have, so I think I look at it more as me not having the distrust anymore. Plus, Lavendar is a great flower for relaxation, and if there's anyone I know who needs to relax its my mom. I got my grandmother red asiatic (pixie) lilies. They're for majesty. I'm picking her up more next week, and I'll get a yellow one, because that's for gratitude. Those were special for me, because I didn't realize my great grandmother's home, where my Grandma now lives, used to have a full bed of them. When she passed on, my Grandma dug up the lilies for her sister, who loved them. For me, it was like giving may flowers to both my Grandma and Great Grandma, because they both loved them, and my Grandma missed them. Hence the reason I'm going to go get her more. I figure one plant is pathetic, but a whole bed as a suprise would take her breath away. The girls and I sent flowers to Flyguy too, he got Peonies for bashfulness, Irises which mean "your friendship means so much to me" and three roses- two yellow and one red for friendship and love. He asked for a cut bouquet and they look really pretty, even if I did only wrap them in newspaper.

I didn't get my coven mates flowers. Mostly because they either already have gardens, have no place to put them. I figure if they want flowers they know where my garden is, and they get all the roses and rose petal they want. Hell, bamboo too. Soon peonies, because my grandma promised me a start off my great grandma's bush, which will be awesome. Of course, I'll buy other bushes, but having my Grandma's bush will make them something special to me. Anyway, they get to spend ritual with me anyway, and we have gifts to share that have nothing to do with flowers.

I'll only bore you with one more May Day tale, and this is one you might find amusing. I sure did. Another tradition we have is to "bathe in the dew of the May" which pretty well means wash yourself with dew, rainwater or spring water collected on the first day of May. Its supposed to ensure you no blemishes and to make you beautiful. Now, whether or not you belive that, its a pretty fun custom. Since it was thunderstorming, I was unable to do what I had intended, which was hike down the the spring behind Happy Waffle and collect enough for the coven, since we were all meeting for breakfast. I could hear the rush of the lovely flash flood from the parking lot, so I figured that and the lightning and the dark were enough reason to hold off on that. So we had breakfast and washed in dew collected from our rain barrels. Well, our faces and arms anyway.

Kitten missed out on this, because she was at work. When we went as a group to pick her up we hicked down to look at the now happily flowing but not dangerous spring. Kitten asked me what the procedure was. I giggled. I had forgotten she hadn't done it, but she was determined to have her turn even if it meant dunking in her work clothes. So we sprung out on rocks in the middle of the creek, big fat ones we lay on in the summer while we put our feet in the water. Her and Oscelot stuck their heads right in. I opted for laying on my back and putting my head in the rushing waterfall beside the rock. Sakura, who stayed ashore because his shoes had a hole in them and he didn't have a spare pair, was obliged by Kitten - who filled up her ballcap and dumped it over him so he could wash too. We exchanged smiles, and according to tradition, compliments. You're supposed to tell the people with you what it is that makes them beautiful to you. It was a good time. I also think that Sakura got some good pictures of us looking like dorks while we got ourselves all wet.

In the end, though, I felt a lot more beautiful and a lot more clean. And that's what its all about, right?

I hope all of you got May off to a great start, and that you've got someone to tell you how beautuful and special you are. If not, you come find me, I bet I could help you out.

Blessed Be, my friends.

AGxx

* In hindsight, I feel like I ought to point out that fertility is not just about having babies. Its also about growth and new life. It means fetility of mind and spirit- creativity and the ability or change yourself into something new and better. This holiday, for my coven at least, is also one where not only the Lord and Lady get married, but we celebrate our being wedded to the divine, and to all things. I felt like I should clear that up, especially for those of you who know how child free I am...etc.

As a personal post script- Swiss, if you're reading...I had three different references to William it Was Really Nothing this week. Actually, The Smiths have been inhabiting my life lately. They're taking over. Not that I mind, because you were right. I love them.