What Are You Waiting For?

Its only been a week and it seems like the difference in me is palpable already. I know I made the right decision.

Its funny, I've had a better time at work this last week than I have in years. I think its the lack of pressure. Its not that I am doing any less work, or that I am not trying as hard. I simply do not feel as though everything I do will have some sort of lasting consequence. I am seeing everything as clearly as I possibly can. I was right about some of my coworkers being wonderful, wanting to stay in touch. I'm genuinely surprised at the number of people who have told me they will miss me. I honestly thought most of them would be glad to see me go. I laughed when one said so, and told her that I thought they would be glad to be rid of a pain in the ass head case like me. Spice, with her usual touch for words, quipped, "Yeah, but you're our pain in the ass head case."  Sweet, right?

I've been stunned that most of the staff seem to think that I am leaving as a result of something Shorty said to me a couple of weeks ago. I'd ask how they know about it at all, but I have a lot of faith in the gossip mongering of my staff. Truth is, I'm a little more thick skinned than that. And I am friends with Shorty. If she pissed me off, I'd tell her to her face. She wouldn't have wanted me to quit. As it is, she put in her notice because she has moved to a new job, and if that were the reason, well, I'd stay, wouldn't I?

I did have one (well meaning, I'm sure) coworker approach Oscelot and tell her that she needed to be sure I loved her before she started supporting me without a job. Oscelot and I had a good laugh over that. Partially because we're so used to people misunderstanding our relationship and partially because that seems really cold. I mean, given different circumstances it might have sounded like this "I know your girlfriend has an incurable disease, but if she isn't giving you enough attention, you should let her die." It also has to do with the fact that this person has always been really, really nice to me. I was almost surprised. Then again, I am usually suspicious of people who are nice in the workplace with no apparent motivations. There's always a motivation. Either way, Oscelot reassured me she knows that I love her. Wasn't it her and Kitten telling me I needed to quit my job? Didn't they tell me to? And aren't I going to find one that won't hurt me when I get my health all pulled back together?

Still, life is better. I feel more relaxed. I don't feel quite as tired as I did. I am also feeling much happier and more productive. It seems like there are a good few of us going through it right now. Like one of my other dear friends, I have been feeling the compulsion to write. I actually got some outlining done last night, well, most of the novella I am attempting. I've promised myself I am going to make another go of it, and hopefully, I will be able to get back on the horse. There is, of course, the feeling that I might not be good enough. I'm going to find out, aren't I? I think I am good enough. I know I can write.

As a bonus, NaNoWriMo is right around the corner and I'll have plenty of time to write then.

In other news, we've been spending a lot of time with Adidas lately, and she and Kitten spend a lot of time at school together. they have a similar class schedule. Sakura and Felix have been spending a lot of time over too. I got to meet Felix's partner. He's a nice guy.

Mabon ritual went well, despite my lack of planning. I actually thought about starting the Samhain ritual this week. I;m going to have it done really early. With the help of my coven, of course. I think all the elders are going to work on this ritual, so it ought to be really powerful. I can't wait.

Renaissance Faire is just around the corner. I've got to finish the sewing post haste. I can do it. I've got a whole week before the faire that I'll have off.

I was also lucky enough to see my cousins this last week, and while I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with them, something is better than nothing. I've been really enjoying the family bonding I've been doing the last month or so.

All in all, I'm a pretty lucky woman. I'm off to work, and then to lunch with the girls and Adidas. I might talk Flyguy into coming with us too. Then I have to write. And sew. And then I have two days off, in which I will totally be ready to bore you with the details of my life.

All my best, to all of you.
AGxx

Someone Loves You

Today is my Monday and I'm starting off a new work week for me. I usually wake up Thursdays and groan a little bit, because I'm so tired, but honestly I woke up today and I was ready to meet it. Yesterday was Lammas (also called Lughnasadh) and it was a nice night for me.

Rather than doing a formal ritual our group did some relaxing celebrating. We added to our wreath that we made at Beltane and filled it full of the blessings we've reaped so far this year. Lammas is our first harvest holiday, so its a good time to give thanks for the things in your life. Its a time to reflect and think of the coming months. Its a wonderful holiday. We had a picnic in my house (its back to hundred degree weather) and we drank special tea made with sacred herbs to the holiday that Kitten made. Because Lammas is also a holiday that encourages games of skill and sport, we played a game together. We're not a particularly athletic group, and honestly, going out in the heat to have three legged races and such sounded moronic. But it was a good time, we enjoyed ourselves a lot.

I think that's part of the reason I'm so happy, despite the early hour of my rising, and it being the beginning of the week for me. I was thinking, as I fell asleep last night, it takes a lot of work to keep the heart young, to let the soul age and to let your spirit be ageless. I think I am learning how that is done.

One thing I feel I must mention, Sakura has been such a blessing to me. I was talking about it last night. Of all the things I have reaped in the last year, having him as a spiritual companion has been one of the best parts of my life. I am very lucky to have him beside me, listening to me when I need an ear, offering advice when I am unsure how to act, and loving me in spite of the many mistakes I make. Its good to know I have him there when things get a little hot, because he knows how to handle the fire in my personality.

This next week seems like it is going to be just as busy as the last one. Spice's birthday is coming up, and we were noticing that its been a while since we took the time to get together with our friends just to hang out and have a good time. The last time we did it was February, when we had Thanksgiving in February. So this week we are having Half Christmas (or Half Christmahannukwanzule) at our house. Everyone is taking time to cook some dishes, chip in for a giant ham, and I am going to break out the long table so we can have a big dinner together. We're all picking up inexpensive (naughty) gifts to have a present swap, and we're planning on passing a few surprises out for Spice, since its her birthday celebration too. I'm really looking forward to it.

I did a spell for a friend last week, with the help of Sakura, and I am anxious to see how it turned out. The effects should have been almost immediate, so this weekend I'll hopefully hear that my proficiency in one of my chosen specialties has moved into adeptness. Speaking of spells, its time for me to reward my home, and that's going to require a lot of planning and patience, and some quick action. I want to get it done as soon as possible. I have every faith in my abilities, but that doesn't mean I like to leave things hanging.

On top of all that crazy, I am going to start planning the ritual for my favorite holiday, Mabon, with Kitten. This month will be the month that we finally initiate Felix into the Outer Court. I've got to start planning for Kitten going back to school, and I am ready to see all the changes that we've been planning on starting to manifest.

Emotionally, I think I'm in a pretty good place right now. I realized when we were at the fair on Tuesday that I've changed more than I thought I had. I am a very happy person. I used to say it was hard to make me laugh, but laughter is something that comes quickly and easily for me now. Its not hard to make me smile, and its a lot more difficult to catch me in a foul mood. I feel like I am learning to accept the love of the people around me, and while I have always considered myself a fairly loving person, it is much easier to give it now than it was for me a year or two ago.

I think its telling, too, that I was looking for discernment when I worked my last transformation rite, and when I asked for it, I don't think I was really thinking about the consequences of that request. I'm not sorry I did it, but the last few months have been very interesting for me. I've struggled with personal issues that I needed to deal with, which I brought to the forefront of my life by doing that work. I think I was ready for it, and now, two months into that work, I feel like I am learning to make headway at last. Its not easy, the things that have been placed in my path are not always sweet, or good, but I'm getting there. Learning to let my Type A perfectionism take a back seat to my own happiness on occasion has been tough. Seeing the lessons that have been put clearly in front of me has been hard. But there is a sweet joy in the learning now. What would have caused me pain and stress even three or four months ago I am able to take in stride now.

I feel like I am finally walking upright.

This post may wander a bit, but I suppose the idea for me was to speak to the fullness of my life. I am very full. I couldn't ask for more than that. Fullness sometimes means craziness and stress and intensity, but by comparison, I'll take that over the howling wilderness that was my life four years ago any day.

Bright Blessings my friends.
AGxx

Watch it Spin Around Into A Beautiful Oblivion

 Having had a lackluster Monday evening, despite all my efforts at making it otherwise, I was more than ready to head off to the fair yesterday. Nothing gets you over a serious case of the blahs like a good time with your friends, and my- did i have a good time!

When all was said and done there were seven of us that ended up going to the fair- Kitten, Oscelot, Sakura, myself, Shorty, Cookie (a coworker at Casa Bueno I've been dying to get to know better) and Flyguy, who met us up as soon as he got off of work.

The weather was perfect. I can't even imagine a better day to go. It was overcast, which was great after all of the days of relentless sunshine we've had. The weather was cooler too, which is an absolute necessity if you want to enjoy yourself. There's nothing worse that eating so much you feel sick when you already feel sick because of the heat. And rides? Much nicer when the ride seat doesn't scorch your leg when you sit down. We couldn't have
made a better day, honestly. And that's saying something, because in theory, we could have tried.

Everyone met up at our place so we could carpool. I was delighted when Cookie showed up bearing cookies for us. (Yep, that's how she's getting this name. How awesome is it, what a delightful, old fashioned, wonderful thing to do, to bring a gift to someone the first time you visit their home? I thought that tradition had passed her generation by completely. I was wrong.) We all sat and munched and chatted up everyone's recent personal life updates and had a grand time until it was time to leave.

Cookie and I ended up in Sakura's little toaster looking car, while Shorty headed off to ride with my ladies. We beat them to the fair, and had a few moments to let Cookie orient herself while we waited for them to meet us at the A&W. It was her first fair experience, and I was having a blast watching her take it all in.

In case you're curious, the photo, in order from left to right, is Cookie, Shorty, Me and Oscelot. Sakura took it, which is why he wasn't in it, and Kitten was off getting a Tater Twister, which is why she isn't in it. It was during our massive gorge break. We had giant turkey legs, cheese sticks, tornado taters, a caramel apple, hand dipped bubblegum ice cream and a couple sodas. Granted, we ate other stuff too...but that was our big sit down and eat break. We also split some nachos, root beer, three foot long corn dogs, some handmade lemonade and a bag of kettle corn.

I won't give you a blow by blow but the highlights, for me, were as follows:

While I was getting my caramel apple a group of very pretty women stopped me to ask about my tattoos. While we were chatting middle east culture, one of them whipped out a quart of hand picked blueberries. I demanded to know where she got them, because I love fresh fruit and I hadn't seen them. She said the stand was about to close (it was 9) but she insisted I take some, and so I let her hook me up with a handful of beautifully tart blueberries. They were really sweet. I was so surprised. Sometimes strangers can do nice things, eh? I wasn't so nice, I crammed the whole fistful in my mouth before I remembered my friends might want some too. oops.

Kitten and Sakura aren't really ride people, so after we got our ride armbands they went to bond in the E-plex, where all the exhibits were. I was glad for that, I like them spending time together. Me and the girls hit the midway and rode rides until we were giggling and dizzy. There was a huge slide you could race down in potato sack type things we did and it was awesome. (135 stairs, folks, it was tall) We rode the Himalaya, which is a set of cars that swing in a circle and speed up over time, dashing through paintings of the snow covered mountains. Its like a big kid's merry go round. I love it, its one of my favorite.

We waited in line to ride this giant swing looking thing that spun you around while you were swinging, called the Warrior and the kid on the ride before us puked. Cookie and I were fortunate enough to get the recently water washed puke seats. While we were riding, the swing shifted and made a loud mechanical noise. The girl in the seat behind us laughed and shouted "Oh, the sounds of safety" and we cracked up.

We went to look at the livestock and had an excellent time oogling mini-donkeys. We headed into the big barn and got to look at beef and milking cows, goats, horses and sheep. There was an exhibit where you could watch chickens hatch from the eggs. It was awesome. Cookie seemed to really like that, and she stayed long enough that a couple of teenagers asked if they were her chickens. She laughed and said to us, "Do I look like I own a bunch of chickens?" I made friends with a goat named Zeus, who I got at eye level with near his pen and he leaned out and licked my nose all over. Goat kisses are awesome. We also got to dodge all of the antique tractors as they shot out of the barn to take their places in the evening parade.

We took time out to wander the E-plex after eating and I loved looking at the quilts. I was totally foot in mouth when I told one of the ladies at the quilt stands that I loved the hand sewn quilts, because I think it takes more talent. I mentioned I liked a Civil War era second day dress down the aisle, but i would like it more if it were hand sewn. She coolly informed me it was. I was aghast. The seams were perfect! Turns out the woman who made it is a friend of hers and designs patterns for Butterick and McCalls. That explained a lot.

We went and ran to the karaoke stand and Oscelot and I sang a song each. It was fun, because there were total strangers everywhere, and I like preforming for strangers because there's less to be nervous about. I think I did okay. Oscelot, as usual, blew me out of the water. When I got down, everyone was munching funnel cake and deep fried snickers bars and Flyguy had arrived. We tromped off to get him an arm band for rides, because I wasn't going to have him only riding two because he didn't want to waste money. Oscelot and Kitten paid for his band.

We took back to the midway and did the giant slide again, the huge swings, the twisty swing, and of course the Himalaya. I watched while he and Cookie and Shorty rode the giant swinging pirate ship and giggled listening to all of them scream.

We paid for a round of water pistol game for everyone, and I won a giant pink stuffed snake. Its longer than I am. It was great fun to watch Kitten wrap it around her. For anyone who's seen any of my photos on FB or at home, they'll know why I didn't pick a bear or a puppy...Kitten and I have had a stuffed snake photo gag on all of our trips since we started dating. Now we have one of our own.

I about died laughing here too, because the guy running the target game was a mouth piece. The object of the game is to sit at your post, and when the bell goes off shoot water at a target. As you do, it blows up a balloon. When the first balloon pops, the game is over. The popped balloon person wins. How many people play determines the size of your prize. When we paid for everyone, it made sure that we'd get whichever one we wanted. I told the guy I wanted the giant pink snake as I sat down. He looked all of us over, Three lesbians, Shorty, Cookie and Sakura, and looked at Sakura and said, conspiratorially, " I think the girls have this one, sir, if you'll forgive me, I'll bet they're better at aiming for the hole..." and he winked. The joke, of course, being that most of the women were recognizably lesbians and Sakura is obviously gay. We all got a huge kick out of it. When I won (I never win!!!) he laughed and told me i must have really wanted that snake.

We also went to ride the one ride which looks like a ferris wheel tipped on its side, but the cars hand from it like clothes on a line. When you get it, it spins, and the cars tilt sideways. The ferris wheel part then moves up, so it looks like an actual ferris wheel and you're going almost upside down at one point. The girls had mentioned wanting to ride it earlier, and I was game, even though the look of the ride terrified me. I ended up in a car with Shorty, who reassured me it wasn't that bad, she had ridden it several times the year before. She got in the back, and told me to lean against her, since I'd end up pressed against her anyway. I was a little nervous, because Flyguy said that this ride had made him throw up the year before. I normally can hold it in. I've never not made it to a trash can or the grass, but I look at Flyguy as one of the manliest, toughest people I know. If it did him in, what would it do to me? I shouldn't have worried. Shorty was a comfort to me, and honestly, I felt very safe next to her, which I suppose is a comment on how much I like and trust her, because normally I would require Kitten and Oscelot to feel that safe. Both of them were sitting the ride out. It was an excellent ride, and I laughed nearly the whole time.

I'll tell you though, despite all the rides and the food, which were awesome like always...this was the best fair experience I've ever had. And it had nothing to do with those things, or the perfect weather, the low crowds or the freedom I felt to do anything I liked. It was my friends.

There's something really special about bonding with people you love at the fair. i got to know Cookie better, and I found that she's as honestly sweet as she seems. She fun and adventurous. She makes me laugh, which is hard to do...although less hard with the group we were in. I didn't mind the close quarters or the squishing on the rides I rode with her. And while I have no bubble with the people I love, I have a huge bubble with people I don't know well. I am, apparently, going to love Cookie the way I love all my good friends.

I loved watching Shorty and Oscelot (both the same very short height) lean their heads in and giggle over something. I loved watching Sakura and Kitten take videos of us and laugh at the faces we were making. There's something great in watching your friends with their heads tilted back, smiles so wide they are almost grimaces, laughing full throat with absolute joy at nothing at all. I loved the silliness and the randomness of our little group. I loved being able to share everything with everyone. I loved that we were unafraid to dance or shake or be silly to the incredibly loud rock music plays on all of the rides. I loved the pure, unadulterated happiness of all of my friends. I loved being able to snug up against my friends on all of those rides and whomever it was, know I was as safe, happy and joyful as I would ever be.  I was exhilarated as we each threw our hands in the air and let ourselves be thrown one way then another, because we didn't care so long as we were all together and laughing.

Call me morbid, but if there were some sort of accident, if something did happen...I couldn't have gone a better way last night- my good friends around me, happy, full of life and not wanting for a single thing. Yeah- the fair is wild, a little dangerous, and sometimes creepy- but there's a safety in the joy and fullness of being with those you love that sort of cancels all of that out.

At eleven thirty, half an hour before the midway was supposed to close, there was a brilliant streak of lightning across the sky. Almost immediately, the lights on all the rides went off and the park went quiet. The sky opened up and the rain came pouring down over all of us- finishing us off at last as a group of stinking, hot, sticky people who very desperately needed someone to tell us to stop. I would have gone all night had they let me. But nature knew, just that moment, when we were done, and so we hugged Flyguy goodbye (he was in a different parking lot)  and the six of us trooped to our cars in the rain, heads back, laughing and smiling that were finally getting rain at last. It was if, in that moment, the drought that has had sway over our area of the country, stressing and frying all of us, couldn't hold sway over the fullness of what we were when we are together. It, too, had to give in to our joy.

We didn't run, we didn't walk briskly, we only laughed our way out. We groaned, as we reached our cars, because it almost stopped for a moment. One of us ask d if that was it, and as if in response, the rain came back, harder than before, and we ducked shrieking and laughing into our cars.

On the drive home I smoked my first cigarette in almost six hours and the world spun quietly around me. After goodbyes were said, the cats were fed and I had shed my soaking wet jean shorts, I crawled under the blankets and closed my eyes.

This, I thought, is what bliss is.

AGxx

It Feels Like Home

The last few days have been really good to me. I've had a really productive week and I feel like things are really lining up for me. I've been making a lot of personal progress, and things have been going well with the more nuts and bolts part of my life too. Its really nice.

This week we had a meeting at Casa Bueno. That may not sound very interesting, but in the five years I have worked there, I have never once seen a staff meeting. Not once, until now. This week our regional manager from corporate called a meeting and we got together to talk about changes the company is making. I'm pretty excited about it. The meeting itself wasn't full of too much news, not anything we hadn't heard already anyway. It was more of a chance for our RM to talk to us about company philosophy and the new direction we're moving. The interesting stuff is the actual changes that are going to be made.

Our stores are all going to be remodeled, over a period of time of course. The big note there is that we'll have to earn one, and frankly, I think we can do it. If the talk we had was any indicator, we're on track already. My staff know how to relate to guests. They know how to act like professionals. They are full of enthusiasm and energy when they work. I like that about our team. You only had to look at them at the meeting to see it. Outside of the people who had just finished a shift and were in uniform, everyone took the time to clean up and look nice, even though no one was going to see us. We care about what we do. Everyone sat close to each other, and though there is a little grouping off, the groups still talked to each other. Everyone had a good time together before we got to the brass tax part of the meeting. We're getting new uniforms, which I can't wait for. They'll look a lot more professional, much cleaner and much more in line with what we want for our company. We're designing new lines of food and new plating for old favorites. We're updating our style, and I think we're all excited about it.

I spoke to Mr. Boss yesterday about whether or not he would let me do some off the clock liquor classes. Its one of the few things I think we really need to work on. When you work in a Mexican restaurant, its pretty important to have a working knowledge of both tequila and import beers- if you want to sell them. I want us to, and an increase in liquor sales won't hurt anyone. My idea was I would come in and offer once a week to take volunteers to study tequila that we carry and learn how to sell it. The overagers would have a tasting class so they would be familiar with the flavors of the alcohol. I think it would work to all of our advantage. If I picked up a pizza and we relaxed, I think it would go over well. Almost every Italian restaurant I know of has something like this and I think we would benefit from advanced knowledge. If you, as a guest, don't know that an Anejo is better than a Reposado, and I don't tell you then I don't get that upsell and you don't get as nice a drink. We'll see. If he agrees and it works, I think some of our other trainers could offer classes on hospitality and menu knowledge, and we could really improve our personal product. That's where we can get better. Because really, our food is excellent, and having eaten there for five years (15000 meals, I've done the math) I would know.

In other non-work but still work related news, Sakura and I are making huge progress on our Litha ritual, which is the next holiday we have coming. We're already blocking it out, and its nice to see how things are shaping up. Usually I do ritual alone, and I won't have time to practice and this makes things much simpler. He and I (to the amusement of my neighbors, no doubt) have spent enough time wandering around in my back yard to start tanning. More important than our crispy skin, though, we've found where the kinks are in the ritual, and we're ironing them out. Spell supplies are almost completely purchased, and we've moved on to writing a detailed outline that rather looks like a play. It tells us exactly where to step, where to move and when to do it. I like it, because reading through it as we write it out helps me learn all the words. Because the memorization part is coming, and that's going to be the hardest part.

Most rituals run between and hour and an hour and a half. That is a lot of prose to keep in your head, even if you did write most of it. It is nice to have Sakura on board because that means I have half the memorizing to do, and I like that. My memory isn't what it used to be. On top of that, having him there means if I hit a wall, he can have my back because he knows exactly where we are headed. There are other challenges of course. We bought a fire pit this week. Prior to this we just used one that was dug out in the back yard. Unfortunately, or blessedly depending on how you look at it, Hydra -the giant five trunked walnut in our backyard, has gown so that she hangs over the fire pit. Good for her, until we light a fire. So, the fire pit must be moved. We've relocated farther back into the yard, but digging out another spot seemed like a pain in the butt. So when Kitten and I were last at Local Home Improvement Center, we looked at the fire pits. We found one that looks like a gigantic cauldron and fell in love. As soon as it stops raining (no, I am not complaining, we needed it badly) we're going to head out to the back and make a beautiful place for our new fire pit to rest.

Of course, the fire pit itself is only one of the challenges. We've got to figure out how to build a flammable figure that looks like a person (its not what you think, I promise) so we can chuck it in the fire. This little effigy also has to have a stomach that opens so we can put things in it. I'm thinking on it, and I haven't come up with a good solution yet. Given time, though, I'm sure we will. I just need to have it figured out by June 13, which is when we are doing our full practice run. (We are using a lot of fire, practice prevents accidents)

With all the work on Litha we have of course been thinking about personal transformation. This leads us to thoughts of our goals and what we want for the future. I think things are shaping up nicely. Sakura has decided (well, decided a while ago) that he wants to move up to Portland with us when we go. We've got another two or three years depending on how things shape out. We had discussed with him that of course if he came at the same time we did, which we expected, that he could stay in our home with us until he found a place of his own. Then the thought struck us all, why not get a house big enough for all four of us, and just do what we pretty well do now- spend every day together?

We liked it. Everyone agreed. Which meant a few days of sitting and planning out what sort of house we would like, how much space we would need, and how much money we would want when we finally took off for the rose city. The decision we reached was we wanted one with two master suites or with an in-laws quarters. We appreciate Sakura's need to have his own space and be able to be away from the ladies every now and again. We agreed a family room or a great room would be necessary, because he has a ton of books too, and a library is a must for all of us, and we'd like it not to be in our dining room area this time. We all agree we want a separate space set aside from the rest of the house to practice our Craft in, somewhere sacred and used only for that purpose. We want a big kitchen, a place to entertain guests. We also want a guest room, so our families and friends can come to visit us. For Sakura and I, there was also the yard. We need one. We need a big back yard, with a privacy fence and plenty of green. I want a deck or a covered porch to fill with ivy and climbing roses and put a hot tub on. The hot tub, for me, is not negotiable. I want one. It will be good for everyone's health. Plus its great after a long day at work.

It seems like a lot to want, but believe it or not, we found plenty of houses in Portland proper, not the suburbs, that fit this description, and most of them fell in the $170,000 to $250,000 range. That sounds like a lot of money, but we've all taken the time to do a budget as a family, and in three years we'll have approximately $100,000 to pay as a down payment on a house. Even at a 6% interest rate, lord save us, that would put us at a mortgage of about $400 a month, if we did a 20-30 year mortgage. That's less than what we pay now. Its completely feasible.

As if the Spirit has been hinting this at us all along, Sakura's lease on his apartment is up this month. Last week, the renters that we didn't care for in the house next to us moved out. The house will be for rent in a few day's time, and its well within Sakura's price range, especially now that he has a new job. There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. For us, this was a signal that we've got the right idea, and next door is the next best thing to in our house, which we would happily welcome him into now, were it not so effing small. 900 square feet is barely enough for three plus the cats. There's no way any of us would be happy if we added more.

Either way, we spent most of last night looking at homes. We took time to break, study the lesson for this week, and do our meditations. But, for the most part, we talked about our new home. We talked about budgeting, about what kinds of jobs we wanted and expected. We talked about school and financial investments. We talked about living in a child free household. We also daydreamed about box seats at the opera, symphony and ballet. (Yeah, we're snobs) It was a great evening for us, as a family. I feel more at home, happier and more on track. Kitten and I were talking about it Wednesday, that its nice to have people who help keep you on track, who give you perspective, and who push you towards your goals- not roughly, but with gentle love and encouragement. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the big picture. But life is always a matter of how you frame it.

I've got a really beautiful life. I've got a lot of loving people who make life good for me. I'm lucky because when I do move, one of the best women I've ever met and her delightful husband are already waiting for us. The people I love will be coming with me. There's a few I'll be reluctant to leave behind, but that's not saying that over the next three years I can't talk them into coming with us too. As for my future home, I hope that I'll be able to fill it with as much love and laughter as the one I live in now. Those thing have a tendency to multiply, I know, so I don't think it will be too much a challenge.

Lucky, Lucky me. I'll leave the light on and the key out when I get there. You know you're welcome.

AGxx

I Walk This Empty Street

I've really let the blogging get away from me this month. Part of it is I've had so much going on I haven't really had time to sit down and write. Part of it is i just haven't had much to say. I do have a few interesting tidbits though, so I thought I would share them.

We went out on Tuesday for Shorty's 21st birthday. It was the week before, but we all had to coordinate schedules, so Tuesday it was. We had a really nice time. The day before Shorty and I had a girl's day and went shopping for her birthday outfit. She chose a black and white dress and a pair of coral heels that made her as tall as me. She looked adorable. I chose a black and white skirt and top set, so the whole group ended up going out in black and white as a fun way to theme ourselves. The girls even got together before the party and did our makeup together. I've never really done that with a bunch of girlfriends. It was a lot of fun. Also, shorty has a TON of makeup. Seriously. It was awesome.

I remember at one point we were sitting in the tapas bar we had selected for our initial destination and we were all laughing and talking. I looked around the table and for a moment it seemed like something out of a movie. All the people were different, but conversation flowed beautifully. We were laughing and having a good time. We were all in bvalance with each other. It was so nice. I realized I have a great group of friends. I'm pretty damn lucky.

We ended up migrating to a fondue bar, which kinda sucked, and rounded out the night at a karaoke bar. Kitten, Oscelot and I sang. It was the first time that most of the group had heard us sing. I was really nervous, though I didn't have a reason to be. Even if I sucked, they would never judge me. I think I sang okay. I did have a good time though.

This month I also read the first two books in the Hunger Games series. Finally. I really like them. I think they're well written. Not as gory as I expected, but still appropriately bloody. I liked the characters. I liked the writing style. I'm glad aI read them.

Kitten goes to do her final nail down of the internship stuff tomorrow. I'm excited for her. I know she'll be great. I can't wait to see her come home flushed and happy with her own success. I am so proud of her. As the time approaches for her to leave, I know I'll be anxious. I've been clingier than usual. I want to be near her all the time. I realize more and more each day how very much I love her. She's such a special lady. I'm luckyto have her.

That's the short version of this month so far. I'll try to get back and actually talk sometime soon. Now that I'm at the keyboard, I have a lot on my mind.

AGxx

Toll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Well, Yule is just around the corner. For me, that means more time to focus on the family and on my friends and reflect on the things that I want for myself in the coming year. For me, this is a time of renewal, where I think about making my life better and the lives of the people around me better. I also take time to think about how fortunate I am.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I come from a relatively low class background. I don't mean my family is not classy (although we can address that later) but I do mean my parents we lower working class folks. When I was a kid Christmas and Easter were a time when I got new clothes because my relatives bought them for me, and if I was lucky, my grandparents would pull out an awesome toy or two. We received the Christmas and Thanksgiving baskets from the charitable organizations in our town. I don't feel ashamed, and unlike Punk, I am not mad at my parents for it. They did the best they could for me.

I do, however, think now about how very lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, and that roof belongs to me and Kitten. We own our home. We've got a reliable vehicle. Its warm inside. I don't lack books or other forms of entertainment. Our pantry is full. Honestly, my life is full. We're happy. We're in love. We have a wonderful chosen family and we don't have much to wish for. I mean, we can all use more money. A bigger home would be nice. But all of these things aren't things we need. Which is my point.

Well, the beginning of my point. I think (along with many people, I'm sure) that this season has become painfully commercialized and self centered. I called my grandmother today to tell her if she didnt have Christmas plans to come over on the evening of the 25th for dinner. She immediately apologized for not having presents for me and the girls. It made me sad. I don't want gifts from her. I don't see her enough. I just would like her company. I tried to tell her not to worry, and to tell her I was more concerned that she has the things she needs, but I don't think I really got through to her. If she does stay in town this holiday, I hope she comes to see us.

This year we've decided not to exchange gifts with eachother, me Kitten and Oscelot. In part, like I said, because we have everything we need. In part, we realize money is tight and we'd rather give to our family and friends than to each other. Then we got to talking about two of the girl's coworkers, who are dating. The lady has a son and she's terrified she won't be able to get him a Christmas present. We had already decided to get them some things (Kitten picked out a gorgeous sweater for her, I love it) and put it together as a gift for them. We decided last night money isn't so tight we couldn't go grab some more things for them that we know they'd enjoy and pick up some toys for the kiddo too. I like this idea so much better than getting something for ourselves. It seems right, you know?

Of course, this cued me to have to google what the heck seven year old boys like for toys. I was suprised. I saw nerf on the list, as well as some other toys and games that we played with when I was a kid. Of course, once I got to toys-r-us this morning I almost died when I realized a really good nerf gun costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 and that isn't including all the stuff you need to really trick the toy out. Did you know they make semi-automatic and automatic nerf guns now? That they make mock kevlar vests with holsters and ammo holders now? Its a far cry from the toy I remember as a kid. Cooler, oh yes, but much more advanced. Anyway, I've gotten some ideas for them, and I'm pretty excited that by the end of the week we'll be able to pick up some seriously fun stuff.

So, anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that everyone else seems concerned with the gifts they're going to get; I'm excited to see that we can enjoy a holiday of just giving. If you have the spare money, I defiantely encourage you to give something to someone who is less fortunate than you. I know, without exception, my friends are very lucky, very blessed people.

In other holiday news, I had the official Holiday Fight with my mother this morning. I called her to see how she was and to remind her that we had set aside all of Christmas Day night for her to come spend with us. I planned on cooking dinner and whatnot. She told me she wasn't making any plans, because she didn't know what everyone was doing. I pointed out that was why I was trying to tell her what we were up to. She asked then (as she has for the last three years) whether or not she could bring my brother, or if we would consider having dinner with him too. And, as I have for the last three years, I told her no.

I don't feel like I need to reiterate why it is I am estranged from my brother, or why I feel it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my home. Even if he had apologized to me, his temper is volitle and I don't want to expose Oscelot to it. Or Kitten for that matter.

Of course, this brought on a shouting match with mom. (well, she shouted) She accused me of being unforgiving and childish. I pointed out I forgive him, I just don't feel the need to expose myself to that kind of disrespect. I also don't think its healthy for my family. She seized on the word respect and said it was disrespectful towards her for me to not spend time with him during the holidays for her sake. I countered that I thought it was disrespectful of her to expect me to, seeing as how he told me he wished I would die of AIDS. I don't really think I should have to be around people who actively wish me ill. She told me to grow up and then hung up on me.

So, as always, I'm left to think what I will, since she swears she won't spend Christmas with us because I won't welcome my brother into my home. Honestly, its no skin off my back, since we don't celebrate Christmas, we only do it with our families out of respect for their holiday traditions. But, I am sure, she will inevitably ignore me until an unspecifed time right before Christmas, and then call and try to confirm some sort of plan at the last minute. Last year we each guessed a date that she would call. Oscelot got it right, she called two days before Christmas. This year, Kitten and I have bet on the 21, which is our Yule. Perpet has bet on the 23rd. We'll see. Honestly, it seems pointless. Last year Kitten's mom came over and had breakfast with us and we played board games all day. She only left because my mom came over and made it apparent (with a TON of rude remarks) that she wanted her to leave because she was encroaching on her time with us. What really killed me was she only stayed for about half an hour, even though we had made dinner for her and everything. She didn't even eat.

Ah, well. I see now why Kitten used to hate the holidays. I don't mind it so much now. We have a good way of working things out. WE go to midnight mass with Dad, have breakfast with her mom and dinner with mine. Its easy. We take thir gifts to them and we spend the rest of the time relaxing. I think we're finally beyond stressing about it. Although, I must confess, I am sorely tempted to make plans the night of the 25th if my mom doesn't call by the 20th. I refuse to sit around the house hoping she'll drop by. That's mean of her and pathetic of me.

Anyway, so the holidays are not so bad this year because we have things to cheer us up. Also, I might note, Mrs. Boss knows when Yule is, so she was kind enough to give me my religious day off so I could celebrate. I didn't even have to ask. She is so cool sometimes.

Also, I'm trying to get together enough money to get her boy a copy of the Count of Monte Cristo. He loves to read and we both just finished the Eragon books. We sat and talked about it, and he flattered me by asking if I would help him with his homework on the Hobbit. I plan on rereading Lord of the Rings whenever he gets around to reading it. He's so smart. Only in 6th grade and reading the stuff I like too. He's bringing me a book about the assasination of Abraham Lincoln, and I think I'll enjoy it. I figure I could repay the favor and get him something good too.

So that's the holidays thus far in a nutshell. Tomorrow we're going to start making ornaments for Yule with blessings on them. It'll be fun.

How's your holiday going?

AGxx