Ain't It Good To Know You've Got A Friend?

Dear Friends on Facebook,

By now I am sure you're aware that we're friends. (If we aren't please go unfriend me. Seriously. I don't like strangers seeing my dash.) As your friend, I feel incumbent to remind you a few things. If you know me at all you know I have no problem planning an intervention. Consider this part intervention, part public service announcement and part gentle, loving talk from someone who cares about you. Minus the gentle- because let's face it, if you've met me you know that isn't really my style.

First, I want to establish that the reason you are on my Facebook at all is because at some point in my life I considered you a friend or part of my family. I care about you. I want to know what you are up to. I want to see pictures of your pets and kids and you feeding giraffes at the local zoo. I want to keep connected with you. I want to learn from you, swap recipes with you and tell you what I am up to. If you sent me a friend request, I assume you know me. If you accepted one from me, I assume you know me. If you aren't sure what I like and don't like, you can always read all that nonsense they make us fill out when we get a profile in the first place. I love you. I do. I wouldn't be friends with you if I didn't. But sometimes I think you might forget....well, I know it sounds selfish....I think you forget what I like.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect you to think of what I like every time you post. I don't. But if most of your friends are like me (if they have similar personalities) then its likely that you're not just pissing me off. So I want to share with you, if I can, some of the things that really get me going. They are the things that make me hide you from my timeline and contemplate whether or not I actually want to be friends with you in real life:

I won't tolerate blatant misogyny or misandry. Its just not acceptable. Yes, I am a lesbian. Yes, I don't want to sleep with men (okay, maybe Robert Downey Jr...but that's a special case) but that doesn't mean I don't know some absolutely wonderful, awesome, kick-ass guys who are excellent examples of what a man really is. It offends me to know end that you feel like its okay to bash men to me, or post those (ADMIT IT THEY ARE) obnoxious E-cards about how all men are stupid, lazy, smell bad and don't give a damn about the women in their lives. This is not true. If you need examples I can always point to here and here and here to get you started, and then if those shining examples aren't enough you can call me and I'll be happy to introduce you to Flyguy and some of my other very awesome male friends. If you are a misogynist- this goes for you too ladies, I know some of you are out there- you can shove it, then go unfriend me. I have no idea how you ended up in my life if you think women are stupid, flighty or incapable. Also, you have never met me, clearly, or any of the women in my life. It still baffles me that in an age where people consider themselves to be modern and mature and open-minded that its still common for people to actively discriminate against women.

Arm-Chair Activism irritates the crap out of me. I cannot tell you how sick I am of people posting stupid pictures for me to "like" if I am against child abuse, domestic violence, if I hate cancer or want to protect my first, second or whatever amendment rights.  I'll tell you something, I probably don't like it and I definitely won't share it. Because it's lazy. In fact, if you post those things frequently, I've probably hidden your pictures from my news feed. Because, of all the people I know who post those things only one (that's right, one) to my knowledge actually does something about it. He and I share very different political ideas and faiths. But I respect him because he actually does stuff that makes a difference before he takes the time to post the stuff about how he doesn't want gun control, or how everyone should respect armed service members. I don't mind that he and I disagree. Partly because even when we do, he can be a mature adult about it and agree to civil discussion and we don't have to come to terms when its over. In part because he did serve in the military, he is a responsible gun owner and honestly, he's a reasonable person. Also, because he exhorts people to actual action, not just sharing his posts on Facebook. If you're reading here, friend, thank you for doing it right. Also, if I had his blog or whatever, I'd throw him in with the links of decent men I know.

Anyway, the point is most of you post pictures about those causes as a way of patting yourself on the back and feeling like you've done some good. I hate to tell you this- you haven't. Not a bit. Here's why. I hate cancer too. I do. But if I don't share your post, and you have shared it, neither of us has done anything to work towards curing it. If you want to raise money for cancer research and whatever, you should probably get in contact with the American Cancer Society .  See how that works? I just gave you a link to a place where you can actually do something to prove that you hate cancer. Isn't that great? Now you can get a team together for the Relay for Life, or volunteer or work as a counselor or donate money or whatever. If you don't, can I say, maybe you don't hate cancer quite as much as you thought you did? I mean, I know you can't work with every charity...but if you hate cancer enough to repost about it- but you ignore diabetes or MS or  AIDS then maybe, just maybe, you should get off your butt and do something about it. If you really, truly don't have time to volunteer but you've got forty seconds on Facebook, skip the picture and post an actual status update like this: "Hey- I know all of you know how much my grandmother having cancer effected me as a child. Well, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I'd love it if you would take the time to go to the American Cancer Society web page and see if there's anything you can do to help, or if you have the money, donate. This spring will be the Relay for Life. I haven't had a team before. Message me if you think you'd like to go, or form a team and raise money with me." Its just that easy. And way more personal than a stupid picture of a pink ribbon. You want to post a picture? Share one of you and your grandma. It will mean more to everyone.

Same goes with the political posts. First- if you didn't vote- I don't want to hear it. I don't. You don't get a say. Second, before you start posting more obnoxious pictures of our president or of guns or whatever- before you really, truly complain, please do me a solid and write to these fine folks (if you live in my state anyway)

Senator Claire McCaskill
Senator Roy Blunt

Or, if you need help, we'll look up your congressional district and you can write to them, or email them or whatever. But I do, as both your friend and a citizen of this country, ask you to please go speak to your representatives about your concerns. Democracy doesn't work when we don't communicate. Also, you look like way less of an asshat if you start complaining about minimum wage going up if you've taken the time to do your homework, write your representatives and maybe volunteer time passing out flyers or heading to make calls for your party office.

As for those pictures you keep posting of children and women with bruises all over their faces and bodies or (worse) the ones with a man actually hitting the woman or the child, I want to be really clear about these. STOP. JUST. FUCKING. STOP. As a person who was a victim of domestic violence, I can tell you that you are being insensitive, rude and horrible by posting a picture like that. I'm sure that you never thought that posting a picture of graphic violence might serve as a trigger to me, reminding me of the horrible things that happened to me. It does. It did. You suck. Seriously. If you were a victim of abuse and you're stronger than me, kudos. But you should know, better than anyone, that that sort of thing sticks with you. If you want to stop abuse or help those who do, post links, or go volunteer. But can those photos. Also, you should know, men can be abused too, but we never see that. I think that's sad. (By the way, if you want to head over there now, I've linked to a site that has all the US states individual child abuse prevention hotlines.)

Finally, my last really big complaint (because let's face it, I've covered E-cards in other posts) is about your religion. Now, I don't have a problem with you having one. In fact, if it makes you happy and gives you comfort, I'm super glad you have it. I don't care if its not mine. That's cool too. Here's what I have a problem with:

I have a problem with these. Not because I don't love Jesus and you do. That's fine. The problem is that you look like a self-righteous prig. I love you, but its true. Let me tell you why. If most of your friends are more like me, you're being an annoying ass by not respecting my religious choices. For example, most of my friends are either pagans, neopagans, agnostics or atheists. Me posting a bunch of stuff that says "Come to Jesus"  would not be me ministering to them. Its me being a pain in the ass. They aren't interested in it, and I know it.  Its plain rude. Not to mention if you actually want to convert them, you should probably do it in person. Now, say most of your friends are Christians. I hope they love Jesus. Maybe you can start a group on Facebook all about it. Get a Bible Study together. I don't care. But they should know  you love Jesus. If they don't either you or they are doing it wrong. So, assuming that everyone knows you love Jesus, and you know you love Jesus, what's the point of these pictures? To me, they annoy your non-Christian friends, they shame your church going ones for not being as religious as you (wow, you're posting about God on Facebook- how daring!)  and give yourself a good solid pat on the back about how many stars you're getting in your crown. I'll say it again you look like a self-righteous prig.

Now before you go getting all bent out of shape I want to point out two things. First, I have another friend on Facebook who is a very devout Christian. (actually, I find it ironic since when we were kids she didn't like church and I did and now I'm a lesbian witch and she's a church going soccer mom...its like fate in reverse. I digress) and sometimes she will post about her Bible study in the morning. She'll give the verse and how she feels it applies to her life. You know what? I like it. I like to see her god working in her life. It inspires me. It makes me happy that she finds comfort. And sometimes (its true!) those verses give me inspiration too. And that's okay. So you know, I single out Christians for a reason. No one else I know tries to convert me. None of my Jewish friends. None of my pagan ones (you heard it here- no one converted me. I came to being a witch all on my own!) None of my atheist ones try to tell me there is no god- though we can sometimes enjoy a lively debate about it without hurting anyone's feelings. None of my agnostic friends try to bring me round to them. I've never been approached by a Muslim looking to convert me (and yes, I do know some). Christians are the only ones I know who make such a huge ass fuss about gaining converts, putting their religion in your face and making a huge butt-hurt deal about you not wanting to go to church with them or listen to how Jesus can set you free or whatever.  Friends, family, I love you. You're welcome to your religion. But I'm not lost, I'm not wandering. This isn't a phase. I've been practicing witchcraft for 15 years now. That's right, since I started high school. No one convinced me. I did it on my own. So I'm pretty sure, now, you see, that its the right path for me. And you trying to convince me otherwise is rather irritating. If you want to know more about my faith, I'll be happy to talk to you about it. But the minute you start telling me how I'm wrong, I'll walk away. Because I've been your religion, but you've never been mine. I made my choice, thanks so much, and I'd appreciate you not posting those "Like if you love Jesus  share if you whatever, keep scrolling if you love the devil" because frankly, Satan is your creation, not mine, I don't believe in him or love him or worship him. Just because I'm not a Christian doesn't lump me into the the pack of devil-worshiping psychos your posts seem to imply we non-believers are.

Its not that I don't want you to post. I don't even want you to agree with me all the time. But there was a time when I would get upset because all anyone ever did was take pictures of their dinner or post pictures of their kids. I'd welcome that now. I realized recently, I follow you on Facebook because I care about your life. I want to know how your vacation went or when you're having a bad day. I'm interested when you go to a new restaurant. I like it when you tell me all about how you beat whatever new video game you bought three days ago.

I like you for you. I like your ideas and opinions. I like your smile and how think and speak. I want you to express yourself in your own words. If that's a clever quip- go for it. But let it be yours. I don't care what other people say. I'm not interested in their pictures. I want to see you, speak to you and hear your voice in your posts. Otherwise, there's no reason for me to want to be connected to you.

Let me be honest. Sometimes I don't mind your pictures and E-cards. Sometimes I don't mind your political posts. Sometimes I actually laugh at the things you post. But go look at your wall. Seriously, open a new browser. I'll wait. When was the last time you posted something that had to do with your actual life that had nothing to do with sharing or liking someone else's idea or picture? When was the last time you posted about what you were up to that didn't involve shameless self-promotion of your new book/album/artwork/gallery show? When did you actually share a little bit of who you are? If I suddenly disappear from your dash, maybe its not because I don't love you, or I don't think of you. Maybe its because its you only think of you, or you never think of me, or (sadly) I want to preserve what relationship we have and I won't be able to respect you if I watch you consistently do the things I've mentioned above.

I love you. I hope I see you soon.

Love,
Me

You Have A Drumstick and your Brain Starts Tickin'

I was scrolling through facebook earlier and saw one of my cousins had posted a picture of President Obama on her facebook wall with the following quote: "You may be a liberal if you hold your fast food restaurants to a higher moral standard than your president."

Really?

First, I'd like to say, I'm already sick of this whole Chick-Fil-A debacle/scandal/whatever. I am. You know what? The conservatives are right- they have every right to give money to whomever they want. And the Liberals are right- we have a right not to give them business as a way of protesting that. Hell there's even groups out there saying lets all go and be gay (gay, but appropriate) at Chick-fil-A once a month as a peaceful way of protesting their beliefs. Everyone is within their rights to say and do these things. Let's agree to disagree.

BUT

I do not agree with active descrimination against anyone for any reason. I am especially opposed to the oppression of homosexuals since I am one. In case I haven't mentioned it, to all my readers- I am a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I was born that way. It is not my choice. But I'll tell you something, if I had a choice, I would still choose the wonderful woman whom I married. I would. I couldn't have made a better choice. And we have been married for nearly three years now and we are very happy. I digress. Discrimination is bad. Violence against people who believe things differently from you? Bad. Killing and actively promoting the killing of people simply because their beliefs are not yours? Very, Very Bad.

In case you're interested, this was my response:

Or you may be a liberal if you feel like people are allowed to make their own choices but your choice involves not financially supporting a company that actively promotes discrimination and violence against you. I'm not normally snarky on facebook- you're allowed your own opinions, but remember this: every time you eat at Chick-fil-a you are supporting a company that donates money to organizations who want to see me beaten, killed and actively denied civil rights. You're my family, and I love you, but if you think that's okay, I'd rather you unfriend me. Because regardless of your personal choices, I would never say it was okay for someone to do those things to you.

 

Direct, to the point, and me not being as angry as I felt. Because here's what I really think- I think its annoying that she posts tons of conservative stuff on facebook. But that's her right. I said that a few posts ago. I don't agree with her on politics. That's okay. We're grown adults. We don't have to agree. But to see someone I spent many a day of my childhood actively choosing to support discrimination against me and the people I love most in public absolutely enrages me. I'm beyond hurt. I am beyond disappointed. I'm pissed. 

 

I never, NEVER, say shit like that to members of my family. I would never, NEVER, say something so disrespectful and hurtful to people that I know and love. I try not to be like that with people I don't like. Why would I say something like that to someone I'm supposed to love? 

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I haven't seen her in a long time. We're not super close. But I keep track of what's going on in her life. I ask my grandma about her. And when she sent me a friend request on FB I accepted it, because I hate how my family isn't close the way it used to be. Still- its really, really disrespectful. 

 

I never told her, when she got home from her tour in Iraq that I thought it was terrible that she was over there, fighting people who didn't ask us to come, killing people who had no choice about how they lived under a dictator. I didn't tell her I felt like it was wrong that she was fighting a war started by a president who should have been looking out for his country but was instead looking out for his own legacy...I didn't. I didn't because I know that she was re-upped more than once. I know that it was hard on her, her family, her kids. I didn't because those are her beliefs and her choices. And I sure as shit now don't post hateful things about the military online. I respect our military. I respect my grandfather and all the other members of my family who fought in wars that actually meant something. I know some wonderful men and women now who are in our armed forces and are lending their talents and lives to our country admirably. I would never be so hurtful. Never. 

 

But I'd like to remind her- being in the military? Her choice. Going to war? Her choice. Me being gay? Not my choice. That's how god made me.  

I could go on for hours about how I think our President is a very moral man. How much good he has done for our country, and especially for people like me. It would be a waste of time. Probably she won't vote for him because of what he did for me. I can see my partner in the hospital now. They can't throw her out when I am sick. DADT has been repealed once and for all and all the people like me in the military don't have to hide so they can use their talents to support a country they love that may not love them quite so much. Like I said- waste of time. 

I just feel like there's so many other things in this world we could be worried about. Instead, here we are, myself among them, fighting about love, and who has the right to love, and who doesn't. It seems like such a waste.

Its even more sad to me that however much someone in my family might disagree with my lifestyle, they would feel like its okay for people to actively discriminate against and hurt me. 

Thank you, to my friends and family who choose to love and support me just as I am. I appreciate it. I love you all too. 

AGxx

If I Hear One More Time About A Fool's Right To His Tool's Of Rage...

I have to get a few things off my chest about Facebook.

I want to preface this with the thought that I normally love facebook. I use it all the time, I think its a great way to stay in touch with people you might not get to see as often as you like and reconnect, or just plain connect, with people that you love. I like Facebook and the concept behind it.

Lately, I hate Facebook.

If I were a normal person, or the average FB user, I suppose I would be posting this there under my notes section. But, you see, I am seriously tired of FB drama. And honestly, I like updates and notes, but I think me venting about things that make me crazy belongs here, where people have to make an effort to come and read it, and they aren't inundated with my opinions without having a choice. And there, my friends, is the thing that is making me crazy. Well, its threefold, really.

First, and I'll totally confess to Sakura venting this to me first, and I agree with him. I am sick of those stupid E-cards. Yeah, some of them are witty. Most of them aren't. Most of them are bitchy and whiney, not funny. And more of a problem, people are posting them so frequently now that they are taking the place of true humor and wit on FB, which was something that I really loved about that space. Now, I have reposted a couple, I won't lie. But I don't post five or six a day, which is what some people on my friends list are doing. What irritates me is that the people I am friends with, for the most part, are a very intelligent, very amusing group of people. I don't need E-cards to know that. Honestly, I like their own brand of humor much better. I actually spend enough time scrolling past them that sometimes I miss an important post I actually wanted to read. That's annoying.

Second, and I know- I know I swear- that its election year...but I'm tired of politics. I normally take my civic duty very seriously, and I'm to the point now I don't even want to vote because I'm sick of listening to all of it. Its not even November yet. And while I am a liberal, its not just the conservatives that are making me nuts. Its everyone. I don't care anymore that Mitt Romney got a huge tax break on his therapy horse. I don't care if George Bush is still your idea of a great president. I don't care if you hate President Obama's healthcare plan. I don't. Because your opinions are not mine. You are not going to change my mind about my political views with a meme or a photo or a rant on FB any more than you would change them with a political attack ad on television. I'm a smart woman. I know there's two sides to every coin, and frankly I find it insulting that you believe that posting that crap is going to be enough to change my mind without me fact checking or looking into the issue more.

And forget even just the election stuff, I'm tired of political posts in general. I'm gay and I am sick of pro-gay, pro-gay marriage posts. I'm sick of abortion posts and women's health posts. Do I care about these things? Yes. But I am so tired of facing a barrage of posts about it on my news feed every morning. I'd like to point out that posting a picture on FB is not the same thing as being politically active. You want to do something to make a difference? You want change? Form a political action group. Join an existing one. Write to your congressperson (do you know who your local and state reps are? I bet you can't name them without a google search. I can.) Organize a rally. Make some sort of actual contribution to the cause or shut the hell up. Honestly. When is the last time you attended a city council meeting? Do you know where your local party office is? When was the last time you took advantage of the days at the State Capitol when constituents can go visit their representatives. When's the last time you actually took the time to research the legalities of the bills that you so vehemently oppose? Not recently, I'd bet.

Do something. Do anything. And then post on my wall about how you got something going. Then we'll talk about whether or not my politics line up with yours and whether or not I feel like helping out your cause. But for the love of every thing good and holy stop wasting my time with statistics your blindly reposted or facts you can't bother to check. I'm sick of them all.

Finally, and lord and lady knows I will offend someone here- I'm sick of religion on FB. I'm tired of flame wars over who loves or doesn't love Jesus. I'm tired of having to defend my faith to people who are supposed to be my friends. And while I love you and respect your religious path- I'm frankly quite sick of waking up every morning to a come to god post or twelve. You find inspiration in your religion? Awesome. You want to post a quote from a guru or a bible verse that makes your day better? You do that. Do you want to "witness" to all of your friends in FB land by posting a picture of Jesus on the cross with a huge note underneath about how you don't want them to go to hell if they haven't come to god yet? Spare me. Do that in person. With the person you are trying to reach. Because if like begets like, most of your friends are looking past that post anyway. Those of us of different religions are probably rolling our eyes, because its insulting that you would post something that guilts us into becoming a member of your faith so *you* don't have to suffer by us going to hell. Honestly, if our sensibilities were that weak, why bother being acquainted to a person like that at all? 

Don't get me wrong, I love religion. I especially love mine. And I truly believe that if your religion is your comfort, that's wonderful for you. I post pagan things now and again because I know they inspire me and they inspire my friends. But not once, NEVER, will you see me posting a "become a pagan so your next incarnation doesn't suck" meme with instructions on how to become a witch underneath it. That's stupid. I want the people who are religious to be happy with their religion. But don't insult me, especially on a daily basis, with posts about how sad you are I'm eternally damned, asking me to come to god. Because frankly, if I weren't already of a spiritual path of my choosing, the conclusion I would draw is that all the people of your faith are dogmatic nags.

And while we're talking about both religion and politics, lets just get this out in the open. They don't mix. And frankly, I don't care what faith you are, it doesn't get to dictate my political decisions. And you know, I hate calling them out, but the protestants are especially bad about this. I never hear Muslims or Jews saying pork should be outlawed. Or how their religions are older, so maybe their more important than any other religion. It seems the exclusive right of protestants to tell all of us how wring we are. Truthfully, I think the Muslims in the US are too busy hiding and trying to fight for the political freedoms they were guaranteed when this country was founded to be busy with any other political agenda. And for the love of Jesus and every other deity read your god blessed history books and check out the founding father's real philosophies behind the founding of the United States. They did not form our government to be a Protestant state. They didn't. And frankly, the moment the US becomes a protestant state, I'm out. I'll find somewhere else to live. That's not me being petulant. That's me choosing to emigrate to a new country where I can have religious freedom. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

So the next time you're on FB and you post about how abortion is wrong or how gays shouldn't marry or whatever else political issue you're just dying to change my opinion about- give me a good reason that has nothing to do with your religion. Because its probably not mine. And if it is, well, I'm still going to look long and hard at the facts before I make a choice on what to believe.

I know that I sound hard and bitter. I know that me making all of these statements is my way of making a political statement and religious statement myself. I do. Here's the thing, though. You're here and you're reading this by choice. You choose to listen to my opinion. I didn't type it in all caps on facebook. I didn't tag you in a post about it so it would show up on your wall, in your news feed and in your notifications. I let you make the decision to come here and listen to me rant. And that's all I want. A morning where I wake up and I don't feel compelled to hide someone in my news feed because I am friends with them, and I do want to connect with them, but I can't stand the thought of one more political rant, religious pontification or stupid ass E-card. Let that be my choice.

And I know, I know, I've got someone somewhere who will say "I can post whatever I want and if you don't like it go ahead and unfriend me." Okay. I will. Because it just goes to reinforce the fact that my opinion isn't as special as your opinion. Truthfully, I probably really like or love you if I haven't hidden you or taken you off my friend list. If you don't like that I don't care for all of your posts? You let me know. I probably need to reconsider whether you should be my friend or not anyway. I respect your right to your opinion, even if I don't like it or agree with it. Even when it irritates me. Which is why I'm here, and not on your wall posting snotty comments about your opinions to you. I deserve that too. That's all I'm saying.

Right. I'm off my soap box. I'll post something nicer next time. But I had to have my moment, because some people are truly ruining something that I used to like. I like too few things (especially mainstream, networky type things) to let someone ruin it for me.

Have fun posting y'all.
AGxx

You Were Never Very Kind

Over the last week or so my group of friends (more specifically, most of the people in my coven) and I have been talking about our personalities. Part of this came from a discussion on a section of study we're going to be working on in about two years. I know that seems like a long way out, but honestly, sometimes studying the craft is a lot like college. You have to go through the courses in the correct order.

Anyway, we were talking about this particular part of study because its very intense. Its what we call "shadow work" and is much deeper than what we're doing right now. The entire course will focus on the darker part of the self- the parts of you that aren't necessarily pleasant. Its about facing your demons and dealing with the harder emotional aspects of life. This got us on a discussion of our personalities because we were thinking about who would be effected the hardest in our group. Taking time to emotionally prepare for a big journey is always important, and this one certainly will be. Later in the week I had a girl, Adidas, over and we were again turned to the topic of personality. Part of this stemmed from me filling her in on a piece of my personal drama I've been dealing with because my personality has made the situation more difficult, for better or for worse. She was getting a fill in because I was doing some work for her, and while she was over Sakura and I threw a tarot spread about my little issue.

It led me to think about me as a person, because honestly, these things make you think about what you're really like. If you were to think about yourself, and you were to ask how someone might describe you to a total stranger, what do you think they'd say? Honestly, I think the words nice, friendly, outgoing, compassionate, caring, bouncy are not words that would come to mind for me. They would describe Oscelot well, but not me. Sakura, for example, I would say is energetic, caring and funny. He has a ton of energy. He's really smart. So where do I fall?

If I were to stick with Wiccan explanations of my personality, there's be a strong general theme. Take, for example, the cards that usually represent me in a Tarot spread. When you are laying a tarot spread (the traditional Celtic Cross) and I come up in a reading I am always one of three cards: The Queen of Swords, The Empress, or The High Priestess. All of these are great cards, but they're not what you'd call fluffy bunny cards.

The Queen of Swords, for example, is a pretty aggressive gal. She's the representation of a woman alone. Key words for her would be strong will, sharp wit, sarcasm, ambition, independence, and perceptiveness. She's a woman who has known sorrow and now remains aloof. She is someone who has suffered loss and hardship. She can be intelligent, witty and analytical. She's strong willed and ambitious. Sometimes cold. She values prestige and success. And that's when she's in her upright position. When she's inverted she's even scarier. In fact, Anthony Lewis describes her in his "Tarot Plain and Simple" book as "a real bitch." His words, not mine. When she's inverted she is sly, vindictive and manipulative. She's embittered and hostile as a result of hardship or emotional lost. She is clever, verbally skillful and a very dangerous enemy because she operates in secret.  The Queen of Swords is the personification of wrath.

Honestly, I think this card suits me pretty well. If we're talking honestly, and I think we are, I can be pretty aggressive. I know I'm a smart girl, and I catch things other people don't think I do, which is fine because I generally use that information to my advantage later. I've known my fair share of sorrow and hurt, sometimes I think more than my fair share...but then, some of it I brought on myself. I won't lie, I'm very much like the inverted Queen of Swords when I have my angry on. I haven't been her as much in the last six months or so, and i think that's indication of my personal progress in dealing with my anger issues. However, when I am angry, there is no doubt I am all of those things. And truly, if you've done me a wrong and you think I don't know and I do? I'll admit I work in the shadows, because being patient works better for me when I know a payoff is coming, even if its only me watching you shoot yourself in the foot. 

The Empress is the mother card. She is the Jungian anima archetype. She is an earth mother, a regal woman. She is creative, and has power and authority. She is helpful, and full of influence. She is the representation of beauty, sensuality and fertility. On the up side, she represents the ability to receive and give love. Which is awesome. She is the card that represents the successful results of hard work. Inverted, she's a hot mess. She's icy, and emotionally unstable. She's promiscuous. She is the symbol of blocked development. I'm not the empress as often as I am the other two, but I think that's because most of the time when I pop up in a reading as her, its because I do have a nurturing side, of you're close to me.Still, if you've ever made your mom angry, you know how formidable she can be.

The High Priestess has been my bag more and more lately, and I honestly think I am okay without that. I mean, the virgin daughter archetype surely doesn't apply to me, but her being the representation of intuitive awareness is. Key words for her would be secrets, mystery in the inner world, trusting your inner voice, esoteric knowledge, looking within. As a person she is a psychic, a counselor and an adept. She is an intuitive confidante and a sensitive person. She is a female Luke Skywalker, a personal Fairy Godmother. Inverted she is a manipulative person. A secretive enemy who can be cruel. She is promiscuous and self destructive. She can be shallow and superficial. She is the symbol of willfully ignoring your inner voice.

If that's not me, I don't know what is, honestly. I can be a good friend, a good psychic. I can be intuitive and caring. I am sensitive. But truly, when you catch me on the flipside, I'm more unpleasant than that. I think the high Preistess is a symbol of my approaching balance, the person I can be once I have my anger more under control. Once I face my shadows. I am her more and more. I see her as an amalgamation of the two cards above.*

So, you know, looking at the tarot, I look pretty scary on paper. If you were to ask me what I am like to an astrologer they would tell you other things, also true. My Natal Chart is a great way to demonstrate that. For example, it would tell you my Sun sign, Capricorn, makes me serious and mature. I get angry when people get rewards after not working as hard as me. It (rightly) describes me as persistent, tenacious and tireless in my quest for things I want. However, it would also tell you my Gemini rising sign means I talk all the time, and that I love to read. It would tell you that I am extremely active by nature and that I look younger than I really am, and likely always will. It would tell you that I have a high level of nervous tension, too, and anyone who works with me can confirm that.

My moon sign, Aries, is indicative of why I have a tendency to hair trigger react and let things "all hang out." It explains that I get into trouble because I have a habit of acting before I think. It also mentions that I have quite a temper, but I don't hold grudges. This, for the most part, is true. I really do have a spectacular temper, but I can usually let it go- unless its something really big. I'm only human after all. Venus in Aquarius, as she occurs at the moment of my birth, explains why I tend to collect a lot of friends, but most of them are odd- even if I do find them exciting and different. And Mercury, my favorite little retrograde mover, was in Capricorn at my birth too. An astrologer would tell you that its why I'm interested in things that are practical and useful to me. It warns me of being narrow minded and dogmatic. It also points out that my sense of humor is both earthy and almost slapstick crude. If you've read this blog for any period of time at all you can confirm this yourself.

But say you're like Flyguy and you think astrology is a huge lot of hooey that anyone can bend to make sense. What other indicators are there of my personality? My totem animals are Panthers, Spiders, Owls and Turtles. None of those are particularly cuddly. (I could go into what they mean, and if you want me to some time, I will, but I think just thinking about them is enough, don't you?) My patron deity as a male is a Voodoo god of sex and death. My patron deity as a woman is a Voodoo goddess made of snakes. I mean, honestly, I couldn't swing a fluffy bunny if I tried. Even the closest things I get to cheerful- like Bacchus, are still pretty intense.

So where does this leave me? Are these things true? Yeah. I think if I'm honest with myself, they are. Are they the only true things about me? No, I don't think so.

I know that I can be a compassionate person. I wouldn't have 15 cats sleeping on my porch if I weren't. I'd just call animal control and be rid of them rather than trying to find them homes. (Although, believe me, the thought has crossed my mind- albeit briefly) I am loving and kind to people that I am close to. I feel the emotions of others very deeply. I can be cold and manipulative, but I can also be warm and open. I like people to like me, and honestly, my personality makes it so that I'm rather hard to love. So when someone makes an effort to know me, I'm an open book, and usually a blanket and a cup of tea to go with it.

My home is open to anyone I know. I have no problem listening to others. I care for people, and what happens to them. Even if I don't like them. Well, there's a few exceptions to that one too, but lets keep chalking that up to me being human. I'm always willing to brew a cuppa and sit down and listen. I'm very rarely judgmental.I know people make mistakes. I've made enough of them in my time to be willing to let that go.

If I love you there is no question about my loyalty. I will stick with it and give you 110%. Honestly, I have a habit of being overbearing in my affections for my loved ones. I can make you crazy with my affection. I've been accused, probably correctly, of treating my close friends like lovers. Well, short the sex. Absent that, its pretty close to the truth. I'll admit it. Whether its a shortcoming or a beneficial aspect of my personality I am unsure, but its there.

I think its impossible to give a complete, accurate description of one person to another. On paper, I look like a psychopath. And maybe I am, just a little. But then. I am also a really great, really fun person when you get to know me. If you take the time, I'm pretty cool. But then, I'm biased and full of my own power, aren't I?

If you were describing me to another person, and being honest, how would you do it? Leave me a message and I'll be happy to do the same for you. So long as you promise not to be offended by my now famed lack of filter.

Love you all, like I love myself.
AGxx

*Incidentally, these cards are all from the Gilded Tarot deck and are very lovely. It is not one of the decks I use, but I might need to get ahold of them. Either way, those are not my artwork, I'm sure you know that.

In Dreams

Tonight Kitten, Oscelot, Kitten's mom and I went to see the Memphis Ballet preform. As you know, I absolutely love ballet. Her mom got ahold of the tickets for us, and the seats were absolutely amazing. We were in the orchestra, dead center, far enough back to see everything.

They did four separate short peices, all of them different, and they were all absolutely beautiful. The first one was a modern expression of joy, and how joy spreads through interaction with other people. The second one was a modern interpretation of The Green Curtain (a shot story) and was a profound peice about lost love, greiving, and the madness it can bring to a person's life. The third peice was about a woman who was desloate, but brought to happiness through the support and love of her friends. It was really uplifting, and if I were to guess, the one most people enjoyed the most, because it was the easiest to understand. The last peice was a collection of Roy Orbison songs and I really loved it. It was, without a doubt, my favorite. It was the most modern from a musical standpoint, and the most classical and technically challenging from a dance perspective. It really moved me. Also, it inspired me to get ahold of some Roy Orbison. I forget how beautiful and emotionally deep his work can be.

I enjoyed the dance very much.

Now I must rant.

Because I am pretty sure I live in one of the most culturally challenged places on the planet. Seriously.

First, I want to preface this with a disclaimer. I know I'm a snob. I know it. I was brought up in the theater. I was raised by the dancers in my ballet company I preformed with. I was young when I started attending ballet and opera galas. I know these things influence me. I also know, because of it, that once upon a time it was not rare that people in my town knew how to behave at a theater. Which is why I am so mad.

I wore an evening dress tonight. The girls wore suits. Now granted, the dress I chose was rather casual for an evening dress, and in any other city I would have been dressed fabulously, but underdressed for a night at the ballet. I wore my hair down, I went without jewelry, my coat didn't match my dress. But you would have thought I was Queen Victoria compared to the people I saw tonight. When, tell me, did it become appropriate to wear torn jeans and an Angry Birds t-shirt to the theater? I was appalled at the amount of short skirts, knee high boots and no hosiery that I saw. Men were there wearing their work clothes. Maybe I'm being judgemental or old fashioned, but I believe that if a company of preformers takes months to prepare a beautiful, emotionally mature, technically perfect peice of work just for me, the least I can do is show my appreciation by dressing like what they do is important.

Say nothing of the amount of children I saw running around the theater. Now, I believe children should be introduced to the arts. Bu I also believe that they should be taught how to behave. I went to my first ballet when I was about seven. I wore the dress my grandmother had bought me for Christmas. It had that scratchy netting underneath it, and it drove me nuts, but I never so much as scratched my legs because I knew if I were rude enough to disrupt the preformance for anyone, I'd be hauled out of the theater and skinned alive. It was one of the most moving and memorable moments of my childhood. I could forget that my dress was scratchy because I was busy watching the stage.

During the first preformance,there was a child a few rows up from us crying. The parent never considered getting up and giving us peace. Another child shouted YaY!!!! really loudly after the preformance. The audience, well, most of them, laughed indulgently, so the kid felt like it was okay to do that any time there was a pause in the proceedings.

There was a group of teenagers that were eventually sitting behind me that kept getting moved from seat to seat because they weren't sitting where they purchased tickets for. They moved four times before settleing in. Annoying. What happened to ushers checking tickets?

Also, any time there was a pause in the show, people would start talking. Loudly. The woman behind me, a terrible parent I might add, was complaining loudly about her kids and their after school activities and how inconvenient they were to her. She used a lot of expletives. And here I thought we were in a classy establishment, not a trailer park...

I was also disturbed at the amount of eating going on. I know you arent' allowed to take in food to the theater proper. Now I could complain about the cheap white wine in plastic glasses served by the theater, but I cn let it go in deference to their needing to make a buck. People want wine? People have no taste? Skin 'em...although when I was growing up, you received wine and champagne in real glasses that you returned to a porter BEFORE you went into the preformance. Again, this may make me a snob. I'm okay with it. What I'm not okay with is the people behind us rattling bags of peanuts throughout the whole ballet. Or the guy with the 40 of Budweiser sitting in front of me guzzling and clinking his can over th sound of the music.

Ettiquette is dead. People didn't know to wait until the end of a peice to start clapping. They just clapped anytime there was a break in the music, which to me showed they had no idea what was going on. They clapped when the lights went down. They clapped when the curtain got stuck on the flyrail and didn't come down properly. They clapped when they fixed it...It killed me. Oh, and some people LAUGHED during the Roy Orbison peice, and believe me, there was nothing funny about it. I jsut don't understand.

Is it too much to expect to go to a ballet or an opera, see people dressed properly, behaving themselves, and understanding what's going on? Is it wrong for me to want children who are of an appropriate age to be sitting quietly, listening and watching, learning about the rich and beautiful artistic heritage in front of them? For their parents to respect the dancers and the art form enough to want their children to respect and appreciate it? Is that elitist? Maybe, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong that those people lack culture...

The ballet itself was wonderful. If you get a chance to watch the Memphis Ballet preform, take it. They're a talented bunch of dancers with a lot of clarity about their vision for dance. Their ability to execute beautifully choreographed peices that are emotionally and technically complex is admirable.

If you run in to any of the jerks I was at the ballet with tonight, kick them for me will you? Because I'm a lady, and I can't.

AGxx