Make A Wish For Better Days, The End Of Hard Times

When I sat down to dinner tonight I actually took a moment to look around my kitchen, which has a lot of open air shelves around it, and take stock of all the food we have hanging around our house. When I added it up in my head, along with all of the other food we have in the cabinets that do have doors I did a quick estimation and discovered that if I still had running water I could feed our family for almost three months on what I have in our cabinets right at this moment. Then I recalled how when Kitten asked me what I wanted for dinner I thought to myself, "do we even have anything in the house to eat?" and I felt a terrible sense of shame wash over me.

I don't make much a secret of the fact that when I was young and still living in my parents home, we didn't have a whole lot. For whatever reason (and I honestly don't know what it is) we never seemed to have enough to make ends meet. We were certainly lower middle class at best. I remember clothes, until I was in high school, came from my great aunt, my grandmother and at Christmas and Easter. When I was older and I had a job, I bought from thrift stores. We received Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter baskets from churches and charities and I remember them as being a big part of the excitement of the holidays for me, outside of our family gatherings. I don't know exactly to what extent my extended family helped to support us. I have a heavy suspicion that most of my activity fees were paid for by my grandparents.

Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstance, we didn't have a lot. Now, I think about how much I do have and how often I truly take it for granted. I know I do. I mean, I thank Kitten frequently for the hard work she does, and Oscelot too, to make sure that we have food and shelter. We have a decent vehicle. We are all well clothed and well cared for. We get to take trips to fun places on occasion, when we save for it, and they are always special times for us. But on a day to day basis I think sometimes I forget how well off I really am.

Its easy, I suppose. We don't live on an upscale side of town. Our house is probably (okay, is) a little cramped. Its not new, in fact, its about a hundred years old. Our truck isn't fancy, its got a lot of mileage on it. We don't eat out all the time. Whenever its time to get new clothes, we still hit the thrift stores first. Of course, we like the thrift stores...it might be ingrained in all of us by now. Whenever our computer broke down earlier this year and we had to buy a new one, Kitten was genuinely distressed and when the coffee pot (a nice one, one of our few true indulgences) followed shortly after, I remember how upset Kitten was that we were going to drop another 100 bucks for a pot that would probably only last another five years or so.

Still, we don't live paycheck to paycheck. We have a savings account. A couple of them, actually, and we are planning to have more set by in the future. We never want for food. We always have clothes. Our bills are paid on time and we never have to worry about having a roof over our heads or utilities or any other the other things that plagued me when I was younger. In fact, beautiful blessing that it is, for the first time since I was 15 I am voluntarily unemployed and we are still doing okay. We cut back here and there, but we still make it fine.

I say this because I notice lately (and this was brought to my attention by a dear friend of mine) that an alarming amount of the people I know seem really unaware of how lucky they truly are. They are almost always complaining about money and it seems to me that they don't know how good they have it. It frustrates me. I'm not saying I could step into their circumstances and do any better...but I think sometimes they could do better for themselves. I grow tired of people I know complaining they don't have enough money to pay bills when they've just bought a house, or a brand new car (when they could have gotten two decent used ones for the price). I get angry when I have friends bemoaning the fact they can't go do such and such or join in a big vacation because they just spent a ton of money on some other frivolous thing and now they have to buckle down and take care of necessity. To me, you take care of the needs first, and the wants second.

The sheer extravagance of some people I know blows my mind. They complain when they don't get to eat name brands from the store, or when they have to order less than they might want when they go out to dinner because filet mignon is getting pricey. People who eat out every day for lunch and complain when they have to cut back on other things. I think to myself, "pack a lunch."

I know it sounds judgmental  But you're talking to a person who grew up thinking desert (which we have about once a week in my home now, because we're spoiled) was for holidays, birthdays and special occasions. When I was a child The Olive Garden was a seriously fancy place to eat- you dressed up. I learned, both from my mom and my grandparents, how to feed a family a decent meal for next to nothing. Take Lunchables- those decadent schoolday lunch treats- for what one of those costs, to this day I can feed my family a good dinner. And a healthy one. Dinner at McDonalds? I can feed my family for that too. In fact, most coven nights, my goal is to feed my entire coven and well for about $2 a person. Most the time, I come in well under the count. So to me, when someone I know is complaining they don't have any money for food, I think "let me show you how much you can really get for that twenty bucks."

I'm not saying I don't have friends who are in real need. I do. I admire them all the time, because they are making the best of their circumstances and working hard to better their lives. They (as a general rule) don't complain and don't fuss. They do the best with what they have and they never ask for help. But a lot of the time, I think of all the days I spent as a child and in my first year on my own. I think of how I could make $5 turn into dinner for a week (no matter how boring it might get!) and how I knew the feeling, all that time ago, of being hungry, or of worrying there wouldn't be a roof over my head. I remember not having a roof over my head and wondering how the hell I was going to make it better for me. I remember wearing clothes that didn't fit or that were threadbare. I remember making do when there was nothing to be done about it. I think of all the times I passed up things I wanted because I knew I was choosing between that fun thing and helping my family put food on the table. And I think to myself that maybe some of the people I know would have benefited from that experience. The knowing what it is like to really, truly want. To be without.

I would never wish it on anyone I know, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I want to scream when I have a friend who says "Oh yeah, Twinkies were a real treat in my house too. We weren't all that well off growing up either. We were poor too," as we drive away from the quarter million dollar home they grew up in. I hate when someone I know complains about how old their car is when it was manufactured within the last five years. The truck we drive was made when I was a sophomore in high school. The car we have (currently waiting for permanently warm weather so we can fix an oil leak) was made the year I was born. People who tell me they never went anywhere fun, but then tell me all about their childhood trips to New York and Hawaii and Europe, irritate the hell out of me.

Maybe I need to work more on my sense of compassion. Maybe if I grew up with more I would feel deprived too. But I don't. I can't. There's some part of me, always, thinking of the thrill I felt when I got my very own brand new Barbie doll from a Christmas basket and I didn't even have time to be upset about the fact she was a brunette and not a blonde because I was already plotting in my head how I could get scrap fabric from my grandma to make her a nice new dress. There's some part of me that remembers the terror of high school when the groups I was involved in (paid for, by the way, by my nearly full time after school job) would adopt a family from a charity around town and I was just praying to God it wasn't mine, because I knew I wouldn't want to face the pity and scorn of my classmates. There's a part of me that remembers that I would save my lunch money or my clothes money when they did this, and I would go without because I wanted to contribute too, and there was something inside me that had to believe that there was someone out there I could help- even if it wasn't myself. It is this person, the one who knew hungry and homeless and hopeless, that the people I knew wakes up inside me. There is a part of her that screams aloud when I hear them speak, and I listen to her as she tells me all she could be doing with the money they are wasting, to keep her family fed and sheltered.

Hearing her, remembering my own shame and fear, makes me angry. It makes me angry with them. And it makes me angry with myself, because I experience every day a life I didn't have when I was growing up. I wake up, every day, knowing I will be able to eat. That I will be warm. That I will be safe and comfortable. I wake up to love and hope and a future that, while was not what I dreamed of then, is far more than I could ever have hoped for or deserved, had I known what to ask for in my ignorance.

Tonight I am aware of my own hope that I never allow myself to fall into that complacency again. To forget those things is a step to losing what I have- not just the physical, but the emotional fortitude and strength that it took to bring me to this place where I can look back and say, Thank God, I will never feel that way again.

AGxx

I Going Home, To The Place Where I Belong

Today was my second to last day at Casa Bueno. It passed with what I can only call a feeling of ambivalence. Today was my last shift with Shorty and Flyguy. It was my last shift with my favorite cook. It was the last time I will ever arrive forty-five minutes early to work so I can make sure the salt and pepper shakers are filled before the store opens. Its the last time I'll pick up a dozen doughnuts for the Saturday morning crew. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited.

Actually, I'm really not. I'm not excited. I'm not sorry, but there isn't a sense of elation either. I think part of it is that I'm not feeling the loss of the job yet. I mean, yes, I did say goodbye to Shorty and Flyguy as a coworker today. But I know, for certain, there will be many more moments of my life to share with them. I don't feel like I am losing them. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm losing much at all. Oscelot will still be working there, which means at least twice a week I'm going to be headed up there to drop her off and pick her up from work. I'll still see all my coworkers. I really like the food, so there's no doubt in my mind I'll still go there to eat. It will be the first restaurant that I've waitressed at that I will go back and eat the food.

I think the other reason I am not terribly excited is the prospect of unemployment looming ahead of me. Thursday night when Sakura was over I had him do a tarot reading for me. As he suggested, I asked only, what is it that I most need to know? The answer was clear and very straightforward. And I should have seen it coming. It told me that I need this break. And that I am so concerned with my past issues that I am terrified of what it coming. And it's true.

See, since I was fifteen I've had a job. I've never been unemployed for more than a couple months, and even then I was actively looking for a job. This time, I'm not. I'll be at home. I'll clean, I'll cook, I'll write. But I will not be out making money and contributing to the household I live in. For various reasons, this is very scary for me. I feel like I won't be earning my keep. As Sakura put it, I feel bereft. I feel empty, like I have somehow lost part of my worth. Despite the fact that I am constantly being told otherwise by my family, I feel like this is true. Like I am somehow less valuable than I was two weeks ago.

Sakura says this is a good thing for me, this break. He says he was concerned for my health. He said there was no doubt in his mind that I was putting my health, even my life, in danger with the amount of stress I was putting on myself combined with the physicality of my job. I don't know when to say when. I don't know when to stop. Its unhealthy. He says he's relieved I am taking time to look after myself. I can't see what's coming down the road, and I have to stop worrying about it.

I know he's right. There's no way of telling what lies ahead for me. I suppose that's part of my problem. I've spent my whole life working and I've relied on my psychic sense to give me warning if something new or worrisome was on the horizon. I've never just rested and relied on someone else to take care of me. I don't like it. But I'm going to have to live with it. I suppose that I can take to heart what Tiger has been telling me, which is I need to get back to writing and try to get published. I'm a good writer, and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to make money at it. I hope she's right. But in the mean time, I am being warned I need to write for myself, and with no pressure on me to succeed, because that's when I do the best work.

So, tomorrow, my last day, I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out. There have been a lot of things happen to me since I came to Casa Bueno. I split up with BBD. I had my pseudo affair with Rogue. I ran back into my Kitten, remembered the strength that love can have and married her. I met Oscelot. She moved in with us. We started dating her. I sobered up. I met Spice (who trained me, by the way) and made friends with a wonderful woman who reminds me that intelligence and beauty are valuable qualities. I met Shorty, who reminded me that there is always a reason for our past, because it gives us the strength to love and share with new people in our lives. She taught me that first impressions aren't always right, and that given the opportunity, you can find deep friendship with a person who at first seems like they are not a kindred spirit at all. I reconnected with Sakura and found that I have a deep sense of spirituality in me, and that there are people in this world who can love you for who you are and who are willing to go to any length to help you be safe and happy. I became friends with Adidas, who shows me every day that there is more to beauty than just looks, no matter how beautiful you are (and she is). That tenderness and compassion are sometimes hidden until you look for them, and that youth does not mean ignorance, and innocence doesn't mean naivete. And I met Flyguy, who is, without a doubt, one of the most special, wonderful people I have ever known. From him I have learned that there are people who will keep your secrets no matter what. I have learned trust. I have learned that there are, yes, heterosexual men out there who can love me, find me beautiful and accept my love and affection without expecting anything from me. (Swiss, I beg pardon, I mean of course, men whom I see in person.) I have learned real friendship. He is, to me, the best man I have ever known outside of my Grandfather, which is the highest compliment I can pay him.

Through all of this I have learned so much about myself. I've learned just how far I can push myself. I've learned how far I am willing to let someone to push me. I have learned to control my colossal anger. I have learned that I have more compassion than I thought myself capable of. I have learned that I am able to learn to respect people I thought I despised. I have leaned that I am not as shy as I used to be. I learned I am able to smooth over tense situations, and that I am as good as peacemaking as I am at stirring up trouble. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, I've learned to listen. I have learned to bide my time. My faith in the goodness of people has both been shaken, and also confirmed in ways I thought impossible.

I am not leaving bereft, not totally. I cannot look at the gifts I have received and be ungrateful for them. I cannot look at the love and friendship I have been given and wish I had spent my time better. I told Flyguy today that I am happy I worked at Casa Bueno long enough to have met him. I know fate would have found a way to bring him to me, but I am glad that in this case, I didn't have to wait, didn't have to wonder. I am blessed.

This will be, I think, the last time I ever work in food service. My mom tells me to never say never, but I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep it that way. I may be good at it, but truthfully, my temperament have never been suited to it. I'm taking what I can, and I will use what I have learned to make me a better person.

I'm not sure how I feel, really. Nostalgic, yes. Scared, of course. I am anticipating the coming months. I am unsure of who I am now, and who I may become. I suppose I should be excited about that. There's something beautiful about the wild unknown, right? We'll see. I'm still unsure. But then, I feel so sure about so many things, maybe this is just a new lesson for me to learn.

Oh- and in the process of telling some of my regular customers goodbye, I've found there are actually some of them who like me for who I am and not my waitressing abilities. I actually swapped email and phone numbers with Hot Doctor, whom  I have long wanted to. I figured now was the time to ask, since there was as little risk involved as possible. If I was gone, she wouldn't have to avoid the store because she said no, she didn't want to meet me socially. Fortunately, she is as nice a person as I thought, and she actually wants to attempt a friendship. We'll see. As I told her, she's a little older than me, and a doctor, and I am after all, a 30 year old waitress. There's a bit of a difference between us. Hopefully I'm right, and the mind I've always loved myself for is there, and its something I can still find value in. Something that can win me friends and respect, despite the fact that I have no personal accomplishments to speak of.

I'm signing off. I've written my emotions out, I think. I'll part with these thoughts. Thank you, to you readers, who have been there for me, supporting me in this and all of my wild decisions. I need it, and you never let me down. Also, if you haven't, click my link toSwisslet. He's running a half-marathon tomorrow and he's raising money for cancer research. He's a great guy and its a great cause. Go donate, if you can. (Good luck Swiss, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and wishing you all the best!)

I love you all.
AGxx

These Places and These Faces Are Getting Old

I usually blog about big events in my life almost immediately, but this time I've waited a few days to let the dust settle. On this past Sunday I put my two week notice in at Casa Bueno. This is huge for me.

I've worked at Casa Bueno for five years. During those five years I've gone from a waitress to a trainer, from a trainer to a bartender and from a bartender to a supervisor. The restaurant business itself has changes because to the recession we're in. I've gone from working in a restaurant that was so busy I made enough money I didn't feel the change in income from working in offices to being much slower. Its picked up in the last year or so, but its still not what it was. The store itself has changed too. Its had a turnover of about a hundred employees. The company has gotten new leadership and there's been some significant change to he menu and some of the policies. Some of those are pretty recent, or ongoing. That isn't why I'm leaving, though.

In the last five years I have also changed. I've gone from being a young woman to just a plain woman. I'm in my thirties now, and while thirty doesn't seem like that much of a change from twenty four or twenty five, in terms of ability and relatability to my coworkers, its startling. I've also gone from being a person who drinks and goes out frequently to one who stays home more. I've gotten married. I've become much more active in my religion. I've certainly mellowed out. If you had asked some of my coworkers five years ago the words "high strung" and "bitch" would have been likely to have been used. Now I'm not so sure what they would say. Some, I think, would call me controlling or demanding. Some would call me friend. Some would definitely see me as a pain in the ass. I am definitely more out of touch with my coworkers than I was five years ago. This is not something I have done on purpose, but more a result of me growing up, and them staying young. I don't fault them or myself for this, I am simply different from who they are. Again, possible reasons a person might leave, and definitely something to consider, but not the reason I am leaving.

I am, simply put, very tired. My health, as most of you who follow me on Facebook would be able to tell right away, is not what I would like it to be. I have a heavy suspicion that the last two months working with our new seafood specialties has contributed to this. Let's face it, I'm allergic to fish and being around it grilled in open air and serving it more frequently, it being in the plates and in the air and on my hands has left me in what is no doubt a mild state of allergic reaction for the last couple of months. My headaches, which had been getting better, are making a comeback with a strength that sometimes frightens me and with a frequency that is becoming almost debilitating. I am tired all the time. I am losing my hair. Not a lot of it, but enough to let me know that its not normal hair loss, and certainly not healthy. A couple of months ago I took a stress test and my stress levels were off the charts. A good portion of that had to do with my work situation. These are, indeed, good reasons to need a break.

It is more than that, though. Working as a waitress is to subject yourself to variable income. Nothing is ever certain. And you have to depend on the kindness and generosity of others to make ends meet. That's hard. It requires you to be always upbeat, always polite, always attentive. In the restaurant world there is no room for a personal life, problems must be left at the door. You cannot let the person you are effect the person your guests, and even your coworkers, see you as. Emotionally, this is extremely taxing. It is especially difficult for me, seeing as how I do wear my heart on my sleeve and am incapable of sugar coating anything. It makes life hard with regards to my coworkers. On top of that, being the age I am, I am growing tired of working with people who are younger than me. Its not that they aren't good people, some of them are, but they are younger than me. Their energy effects me differently. Sometimes their life outlooks irritate me. I don't live in the same world they do, plain and simple.

The politics of restaurant work also wear me out. By the time I made my entry back into food service I had been playing at office politics for about seven years. I'm good at that. The trick is to do your job right, keep your mouth shut, your head down and your back to the wall. Listen to everything, speak little. Learn your coworkers and do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Wait and be patient. Work hard. Its not the same in restaurants. In food service doing your job well makes you a target. People will see the little mistakes you make and make them larger, will point them out, will hound you for them. Mistakes not caught in time, or sometimes just made, will cost the company money and most of the time you as well. You are in constant wariness. You compete for shifts, for good positions. When you attain a position of responsibility you must constantly fight for it. You must work harder, every day, than you did before. And you must do all of these things with people who are (in my case, anyway) ten years or more younger than you. Most of them have less scruples. All of them love gossip, drama and watching the circus unfold around them. To watch someone fall from grace is a treat, and if you want to keep your job, it had better not be you.

Restaurants being what they are bring in a pretty diverse population of workers. Its certain that you will work with people wildly different from you. They will have different lifestyles and ideas. There will be people who don't like you, who will actively wish you ill. But still, to get the job done, you must work with them anyway. This is very hard. For me, to ask help of someone I know wants me gone, or to help someone I know was badmouthing me to my boss the day before is almost intolerable. It must be done, though. I've always said to my trainees, there will be people you don't like that you have to work with. Be good to them anyway. Its the only way you keep your head above water. Its the truth. Its also the truth that most of my coworkers would be hard pressed to tell me who it is I do and don't like, truly. I've played my part very well. And I am tired of the play.

I am tired. Tired of the physically demanding work. I am tired of the games. I am tired of the gossip. I am tired of having to be cheerful all the time. You know me. I am a happy person, but relentless cheer is grating on the best of personalities, and mine isn't the best. We know that. Beyond that, outside of work I have a lot on my plate. With my family things have been changing and its difficult to handle. With the coven I am always busy, there is always something to do or to plan. My friends have changed too, I have gained some new ones and lost a few old ones. That's life, and you move on from there, but its been taxing nonetheless. I have two relationships to maintain. My wife is finishing school and preparing to enter a new career. I am going to go back to school soon too, and that has to be considered.

So I am taking a break. I am fortunate to have my lovely partners, they are willing to support me while I rest and pull myself back together. They are hard workers who are able to help while I am not. They don't judge me. Instead, they have encouraged me every step of the way, doing everything they can to let me know they are proud of my decision and that they want me to be healthy and happy. I am very blessed. I will go back to work eventually. It will probably be something easy. I may look at some of the local book or craft stores and see if they need help. I might look and see if there's an office that wants someone to man the phones. I can do those things at little cost to my health, and I can enjoy them. I can also go back to school and prepare to have a career that I want to do. Something that will give me joy and a sense of fulfillment.

I will say this, I've learned a lot from my time in restaurants. I have learned that trust is something more important to me than even I had thought. I have also learned that until they give you reason to, people really aren't a very trustworthy bunch. Sometimes even the people who profess to love you will hurt you to get ahead. I've learned that people can be very good. I've learned that good people can sometimes do incredibly stupid things to ruin their lives. I've seen it in action now. Its terrifying to watch. I've learned that hard work and honesty only get you so far. I've learned that no matter how much you give of yourself, someone will always want more. I've learned that sometimes when you get what you want you don't really want it at all. I've seen firsthand that respect is something that has to be earned on a minute to minute basis and that people, after all, really do want to think the worst of you. Those things may sound jaded, but they're the truth. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry. Its not in me to be like that. I am, as I said, very tired.

I was talking to Flyguy the other day (one of the very wonderful things to come out of Casa Bueno - my relationship with Flyguy) and I told him that I realized not too long ago that he was one of the very few reasons I ever looked forward to work. It was easier to get up and face the day knowing he was there. Knowing that he would be at my back. Knowing that whatever anyone said or did, he would catch me if I needed him to. Then I realized that he loves me and that I can have those things, I can have my wonderful friendship with him without having to be at Casa. He laughed at me, as though that should have been obvious, and then gave me a big hug and told me I was right. He's not going anywhere. As for my other friends at Casa, we'll see. I've seen people come and go for so long, I know for a fact now that people who are willing to spend time with you when you work somewhere may not be willing to do so once you are not a part of their work lives. I've lost a few people that way, people I would have liked to have kept in my life. But, as they go, there are always more. I sincerely hope that I will find that the people who profess to love and respect me truly do, and that I will still see them and spend time with them. If not, at this point, I think I have no illusions. I am thankful for the acquaintance/friendship of many of my coworkers, but I've simply not got the strength to keep on just to maintain those ties. Its not worth it.

So, here I am, after five years, saying very manfully that I am a weak person. I am not strong enough for the vocation I have worked in for so long. I don't have the energy to keep up. I am paying my debts of honor, and withdrawing from the stage. Its the best I can do. At one time I would have valued myself less for having to do this. At one time I would have been ashamed. Now I am simply proud that I have learned that I must put myself first. I used to worry because I thought all there is in life is advancement, success, and money. I know better now. The best things in my life may be tangible- but its not money- its the people I hold in my arms at the end of a long day, or when they come into my home. It is the tools of my craft that give me such joy. It is the blankets I wrap myself in and the tea I drink when I have been drained of every other type of warmth. I will not give those things up for the world.

As for the world I live in now, its about to change again. I look forward to it very much.

Thanks for being with me through all of this.
AGxx

I Can't Control You, You Can't Control Me

Happy Friday everyone. I know that most of my friends are happy that its here, because that means its the end of the work week. I'm excited for all of you. You get a full weekend to rest and enjoy yourselves. Its a time to relax. For me, of course, I'm in the middle of my work week, so I won't be celebrating with you as you go into this weekend well rested and (for my American friends at least) having had an extra day off already.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.

First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.

I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.

Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.

This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.

I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.

A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.

Point taken.

Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.

She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.

The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)

I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.

So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.

Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to.  I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"

I texted her back: Good.

Because it was.

AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

Its Brought Me To My Knees

My religion is a full time job. I am not saying this as a complaint, but a simple statement of fact. If you know me at all, you know I love my religion. I find so much peace and inspiration in it. But that doesn't mean its not work.

When I first started practicing I heard all these warnings about how you had to be careful to pay attention to your mundane life...make time for other people, do things that didn't involve coven work, read books that had nothing to do with witchcraft. I laughed. How in heaven's name could you get so involved?

Oh, sweet, silly me.

As I write this, I am feeling guilty because i have about seven pagan books sitting on my desk in front of me. I need to write a couple of tests for degree initiations. I need to write about six rituals, and none of them have anything to do with our upcoming holiday Lammas. I need to finish polishing up all of my degree requirements, because I'd like to be officially initiated into my second degree, since I am halfway though my requirements for the third degree. Trouble is, I'm accountable to myself, because I am the high priestess of my coven because I am the highest ranking, most knowledgeable female priestess.

On my days off, and my evenings off, I devote myself to learning and working with other members of our coven. I write the scratch outlines of my rituals when I am on break at work and I don't have my computer with me. I'm about five books behind on what I need to be learning, and frankly, it sometimes keeps me so busy I make notes on napkins as I have ideas while I'm working at the job that pays me.

Say nothing of the time I take to meditate every day because (believe it or not) being kind, wise and balanced is not something that comes naturally to me. Its easier than it was a couple of years ago, but its not a walk in the park. I have to constantly remind myself of my karma and what path I am choosing to walk. I have to make every decision with care because I believe i should live my life harming none. That takes a lot of thought. And I'm not always successful.

I have a coven to look after and help to learn too. That's a joy to me, a complete blessing. I was saying to Addidas last night that when you're called to a path of compassion and love for others, when your life purpose is to help other people learn to become what they are at their best- teaching them how to release the things that hold you back- its a blessing. You grow every time you do your work. But its also emotionally challenging, and sometimes painful. Its hard not to let the harmful energy that surrounds you on a day to day basis drag you down.  I'm trrying.

The rest of the world has a tendency to disappear when you let yourself get immersed. I was thinking just the other day that we're only three months out from new year. Well, for us. And i laughed at myself because the Gregorian calendar has almost disappeared for me. Summer is half over for me. The harvest is beginning. My year is almost done, and most people feel they are only halfway through. It changes the way you look at things, that's for sure. 

I'll say this- I am struggling this week. I am finding it hard to be in my own skin. I'm having difficulty focusing, and so i find myself trying to multitask so I get something rather than nothing done. I don't feel as inspired as I normally do...but I do feel that pull of the compulsion to work, and to let myself be guided by the spirits who know better than I do. That's the one beauty of being psychic. When I am unsure, I can let the Others take the wheel and fill me with the desire to do what needs to be done. I love that.

I'm back to working on those rituals and tests. I can do this.

Despite all the seeming moaning, it really does make me happy. And that's what really matters, right?

AGxx

I Just Want to Thank You

So I'm sitting and relaxing after my first day back at work after two days off. I've got a glass of Rumchata and Gaslight Anthem is playing. I'm pretty happy.

We had a good time on our trip. The ride down was a little rough for me, I had a headache, but I slept most of the way, so I fet better after we got to the hotel and I got some food in me. Instead of going to the lovely mcCoy's Public House where we normally eat we went to Joe's Pizzeria, which was deicious, even if they didn't have public bathrooms.

The bar we went to for the concert was interesting. There was definately a big Yuppie crowd. I saw a lot of artful layering of cashmeres and high end peasant looks on the ladies. The men were rocking the campy glasses and $200 flannels. It was...interesting. Fortunately, the food was amazing and the bartenders were awesome.

The opening act was local and honestly, she left a lot to be desired. We were sitting directly at the bar, about as far as you could get from the stage. It wasn't too far, really, we could still see and hear everything. I ignored her after I discovered she was awful and rather boring. The main act, Katie Herzig, was great. We haven't seen her preform since right before we started dating Oscleot. She's really matured as an artist, and I loved the show. She's got a little more edge than the last time we saw her. It was a great show. Afterwards she hung around and talked to everyone. We chatted her and her guitarist Jordan up, and it was a good time. They posed for pictures, which was really nice. We now have all four of her albums with her signature, which is cool, because inevitably, she'll get big and we won't be able to do that anymore. It happened with Brandi Carlile. We're just waiting for it to happen with her.

The hotel was an experience. We were on the top floor and the wind was so strong it was pretty scary. Kitten and I shared a bed and Oscleot shared one with Precious, Kitten's best friend. She was a bit of a pain in the ass this trip. She had too much to drink, wound up hungover and sleeping through breakfast. She's a picky eater, so she didn't like her lunch. We finally broke down and got her some sonic on the way home, because we couldn't deal anymore.

We spent the afternoon hanging out with Cat, Kitten's sister, who is moving away this week to the wilds of Wisconsin. We won't see her for a while, so it was nice to spend a little time with her too. Her and Brother took us to a great cafe that only used locally sourced ingredients. Lunch was awesome. We went flea marketing and hit the local bookstore. All and all a good time.

Back to work today and it was nice and easy. Oscleot is coming back to Casa Bueno a few days a week to make some extra money. It will be nice to have a leg up when Kitten leaves and even better to have some cash socked back for all of our secret suprise rennovation projects, which look like they're going to be easy, because all of our friends are volunteering to help. I just have to talk Flyguy into helping me lay some hardwood floors. I think he'll do it. I just want a manly type to help me weild the saw. They make me nervous, even after all these years.

I was chatting with Mrs Boss today and we got to talking about teas, and then projects for the house, and the hours for Oscleot and she made mention something that totally suprised me. I might have mentioned that Kitten is coming on board at Casa Bueno to bus tables for our upcoming holidays because we are so busy and totally short staffed at the moment. I guess she was talking to our Kitchen Manager and she told me her and Mr Boss agreed with her that Kitten deserves a fair shake at looking for a new job when she comes back. We've been stressed since Kitten will have to quit at the Happy Waffle to do the internship. That leaves her unemployed when she comes back. Today the bosses told us that if she wants, until she finds a job in the HVAC industry, she has a job waiting for her at Casa Bueno working in the kitchen. It wwas a huge relief. I have the best bosses in the world. Its nice to know they're looking out for my family. I appreciated it. I fortunately managed to to cry when she told me. Its a huge relief. I have a lot less to worry about now.

I keep thinking lately about my life. I'm a lucky woman. I love my life.

AGxx

Just Like A Domino

It must be spring, despite the recent cold snap. I feel like cleaning. This morning I've gone through my whole house like a madwoman, tidying, cleaning and in general trying to get things in order. I've already started a pile of things to take to the local goodwill, and I have a list almost two pages long of things I want to get done over the next week.

I go through this every spring- the wild desire to get things in order. With Kitten likely to be gone over the summer I've been trying really hard to think of all the projects I want to get accomplished while she's away. If I am going to do that, the house has to be in perfect order, so I'm starting now.

I'm trying to convince Oscleot to get rid of her bed. I know she keeps it out of sentementality, though I can't understand why...and she hasn't slept in the damn thing in almost two years. It takes up a lot of space in the house and I've got about a hunderd things I could do with that space if she would get rid of it. Also, there've been tornadoes in our area recently (yep, its that season) and I think it would be nice to be able to donate a nice bed to someone who actually needs it. I'm working on that one.

We planted some climbing roses a couple of days ago around our arbor and I can't wait to see how they bloom out this spring and summer. We've picked out a birdbath for the center of one of my rose beds, and I'm looking forward to going and getting it, so we have something to offset the massive amount of blank space in the middle of the bed. Its almost time to start weeding, feeding my soil and getting in the dirt again. This year I want to get some more irises and line our driveway with them. I have a whole set of lights to line our walkway with, and I'm going to get on putting them together soon , so we can put them out.

Yep, its looking like a productive spring in store for me.

I think I'm going to take the time this wednesday or thursday to pull all my books off the shelves and clean the shelves and then reorganize the books. It will make my living room and library look much tidier. I'm planning on painting the living room and getting it a little cleaner looking while Kitten is away. I've had this idea for a while I might buy a couch over and the hand cover the throw pillows for it, just so things look nicer. I'm thinking I can manage that.

I've been worried, a little, because Kitten has been in a terrible mood the last few days. I think a lot of it has to do with the impending separation. I know she worries, and she has a lot on her mind. She's going to be turning the finances over to me, and I'm sure she's terrified I'll ruin her impeccable credit rating. I'm also thinking that this thing of being away is making her more distant, maybe she's trying to deal with it now. I'm not sure, but she's been more standoffish lately, and its meant that I've had to give her a little more space than I want to. I mean, I want to crawl all over her, because I want to be close to her while I can. I know better, so I'm trying not to smother her, or give her a reason to be more grumpy, but its hard.

Emotionally, dealing with the thought of her being away from me is less difficult than I thought it would be, although how that holds up once she's gone remains to be seen. I'm trying to put it into my head that she's not going to be very far, and that she'll be doing a really great thing. I'm super proud of her, and I want her to know that. Sometimes I doubt my ability to be the kind of partner she needs, but I am trying really hard. I mean, we love each other, there's no doubt about that...but I'm terrified of letting her down, though I would never tell her that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can pay bills and keep the household running. But she's going away and improvig herself and making it so that we can have a really gret life together. I'm more worried that when she comes home, I won't have made as good a use of the time as I could have, and I want her to be proud of me. I want her to come back and think that I'm an awesome wife, and that I do great things too...

We'll see. I'm going to do my best, and I suppose that's all that I can do.

I'm off to work, where I will hopefully make a lot of money. I want to sock back as much as possible while I can. I've got this plan to save a huge amount of money while she's gone. I want to be able to have her look at the bank account and be really suprised at how well I did. I want to pay off at least one bill while she's away to suprise her with. Most of ours are pretty huge, so we'll see...but I think I can manage it. Also, I want the bank account with the money for the down payment on our new house to be nice a fat when she comes home too. That I know I can do. I have a feeling I'll be working a lot more than I expected this summer, but I won't mind. I'm going to make the best of things.

Enough of my worrying. I have to dash.

Love you all.
AGxx