Its Been A Long Long Time

So I have been a very bad blogger and not posted for something like two months. I know, I know. Someone I love very much brought it to my attention this week, inadvertently, that my blogging has dropped off, and I think to myself "I should get back to that, even though there's only like, four people reading this. Because, you know, there's four people out there who care about my life. And its healthy for me to express myself."

I have two bits of good news and two bits of not so good news, so we'll cover the happy stuff first so you can bail if you want later.

Good news part one? Kitten graduated. I mentioned this before, I think. She graduated with honors. Her party went well. Everyone was nice to each other (there was some concern about that) and she had a good time. She has a new job in her career field as of last week. It pays much better than her old job, the people are nice, and its not in residential cooling, which was what she was terrified she would end up doing. She did not want to be a lackey for all the window units in this corner of our state. She isn't, and that's awesome. They're going to train her into other fields. They're going to pay for extra education. They're paying 100% of her health insurance. She loves the work already. I'l so terribly proud of her.

The other good news is that as of the day after I posted the blog previous to this one (That is, the 26 May) I have been smoke free. None, nada, zilch, no slip ups or stress smokes or I'm-trying-really-hard-so-I've-earned-ones, not even a its-giving-me-a-migraine one. NO. SMOKING. I'm pretty proud of myself. I was doing between half a pack and a whole pack a day depending, so quitting cold turkey was hard. I am pretty sure I wasn't fun to be around. It may or may not have contributed to the incident that has, in-part, kept me from blogging for the last month.
Which was this

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The vacation.

That's right. It was horrible. I'm pretty sure the smiling happened only for the camera. Well, most of the time, anyway.

For the record, I'm giving you the edited for public consumption version of this tale, because I have some semblance of respect (not a lot, but a little) for my family.

I do think that me not smoking contributed to this awful. Kitten actually begged me three days in to smoke, telling me it would be okay and I could start over when we got back to town, but by then I was three days in and I was damn well not going to give up if I didn't have to. The lack of cigarette, for the first week or so anyway, would be enough to make most people be grumpy.

The other part had a lot to do with KMom. Suffice to say our styles of travelling are different. That was a struggle for me. I'm a "lets have a plan and get directions and go do things like we planned" kind of girl. She's more of a "throw caution to the wind, work without a plan, get directions while on the street (even from bums!)" kind of girl. She's also very set in her ways, because she's lived alone for something like 12 years, she isn't used to compromising. In our household its almost all about compromising so I struggle when someone, anyone, is contrary about working as a team. Even in my coven everyone works as a team and we all make decisions based on consensus, which makes it easy for things to get done and everyone to feel like they're important. Not so with KMom. That was a problem for me. A big one.

When it came to the camping aspect it got worse. Really bad, actually. Again, that has a lot to do with me believing that camping is an act of teamwork and KMom isn't really a team player. Not to mention, despite her protestations to the contrary, she's a sissy camper. She is WAY to concerned with comfort. And she didn't like to help carry things. Or work. At all. Which naturally pissed me off. Especially when she's insisting we repack the truck (again) because she doesn't like how things are arranged (even if we are unpacking it all again in three hours). Or when we were getting ready to leave and I'm sick with a headache so bad I'm stepping off the trail to throw up while I haul coolers and bags and she stops with holding only a pillow and complains to me about how long the trail to the car is and how hot and uncomfortable she feels. Or when she's telling me that I'm making dinner wrong (How, I ask? How?) or not to her tastes. She was cranky or combative whenever we went hiking or did anything strenuous, but insisted on coming along. If it rained she would hide out in her tent. And it rained. It did. Like, a tropical storm hit one of our campsites....that was a real treat.

Here's us camping, by the way- well, k\hiking a trail at our campsite. This was our first site, at Hunting Island State Park.

She also wouldn't stop making fun of my newly discovered phobia of raccoons. It was constant. And it pissed me off.

I know its petty, but seriously. I wasn't afraid of them before. I wasn't. Its just, you know, they were everywhere. And not afraid of anything. Like, there were bear boxes for yours stuff to keep them out. Oh, and I should mention THEY WERE THE SIZE OF AN AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD. And they broke into our tent. Twice. Once was at night and it tore through the closet on our tent. Not cool. Of course I was afraid. I think this is reasonable. Especially since I was fighting off nicotine cravings and getting next to no sleep between them and the headaches I was having from what turned out to be a tropical storm depression.

Imagine this:

The size of this:

Of course it made me nervous.

There were other things that upset me too, but really, I don't think anyone would like KMom if I talked about it. And honestly, I don't want you all hating her. She's a nice lady, most of the time. She's just set in her ways, and she's still a little skittish about her relationship with Kitten and that makes her a little possessive sometimes.

There were some good parts of the trip, really. Like, you know. The food. I wept over some of the food. I love soul food. I love fried chicken and home made mashed potatoes. I love locally sourced vegetables and fruit. I like veal so fresh that it was just days from gamboling about in some farmer's field. That's good food. The whole trip was like that too- locally sourced ingredients, fresh made honey, hand made desserts. When we were eating out I was not an unhappy person. I was very happy indeed. Even the delis (and god, we had so many sandwiches at lunch because KMom doesn't like heavy food in the afternoon) were really, really good. Fresh bread, hand-sliced meats, local sauces and pickles and such. Yep, the food was amazing.

We went to a zoo. That was fun. We took a ghost tour- actually, we took two. That was amazing. I played in the ocean with Oscelot. We collected seashells at low tide. I managed to impress my ladies with my ability to cook anything in cast-iron- my meals were like we never left home thankyouverymuch. I saw my first lighthouse up close (not impressive) and drove through the Great Smokey Mountains (really impressive). I managed to whittle a new walking staff for myself. Yes, I do whittle. We saw some amazing waterfalls. We hiked in the rain (so that was both fun and awful).

It wasn't all bad. Just most of it. I'm making the best of the memories now that we're here, because I want it to be something Kitten remembers fondly. Hell, a few years from now some of this may seem funny. Maybe.

The other thing that's really kept me off the blog is I've been coping with depression again. Almost from the moment we got home I've been struggling. Some of it, I know, has to do with inadequacy issues brought on by the things that happened on the trip that I don't want to talk about. Some of it, I think, is just old issues reasserting themselves now that they have the chance. I spent the first couple of weeks back sitting in Kitten's recliner alternately weeping and moping.

I;m better now, and I've got my issues sorted out. It was not, however, conducive to me being here and sharing things with you. I credit my speedy recovery to (1) my partners, who totally didn't judge me (2) my coven, who spent plenty of time patting me on the back and letting me be totally weak even though I'm supposed to be leading (3) plenty of B vitamins and an iron supplement and (4) one conversation with one very special person that I hadn't talked to in a while. Talking to him reminded me I've been through worse and I'm tougher than I was letting myself be. It was the linchpin in my recovery.

Now that I'm back and feeling normal again, I'm going to make an effort to actually be a good blogger and put things up more than once a month or so. Maybe I'll even go back to that old blog-every-day habit I had five or six years ago....

I love you all. I want you to know that.

Its good to be home.

AGxx

Toll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Well, Yule is just around the corner. For me, that means more time to focus on the family and on my friends and reflect on the things that I want for myself in the coming year. For me, this is a time of renewal, where I think about making my life better and the lives of the people around me better. I also take time to think about how fortunate I am.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I come from a relatively low class background. I don't mean my family is not classy (although we can address that later) but I do mean my parents we lower working class folks. When I was a kid Christmas and Easter were a time when I got new clothes because my relatives bought them for me, and if I was lucky, my grandparents would pull out an awesome toy or two. We received the Christmas and Thanksgiving baskets from the charitable organizations in our town. I don't feel ashamed, and unlike Punk, I am not mad at my parents for it. They did the best they could for me.

I do, however, think now about how very lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, and that roof belongs to me and Kitten. We own our home. We've got a reliable vehicle. Its warm inside. I don't lack books or other forms of entertainment. Our pantry is full. Honestly, my life is full. We're happy. We're in love. We have a wonderful chosen family and we don't have much to wish for. I mean, we can all use more money. A bigger home would be nice. But all of these things aren't things we need. Which is my point.

Well, the beginning of my point. I think (along with many people, I'm sure) that this season has become painfully commercialized and self centered. I called my grandmother today to tell her if she didnt have Christmas plans to come over on the evening of the 25th for dinner. She immediately apologized for not having presents for me and the girls. It made me sad. I don't want gifts from her. I don't see her enough. I just would like her company. I tried to tell her not to worry, and to tell her I was more concerned that she has the things she needs, but I don't think I really got through to her. If she does stay in town this holiday, I hope she comes to see us.

This year we've decided not to exchange gifts with eachother, me Kitten and Oscelot. In part, like I said, because we have everything we need. In part, we realize money is tight and we'd rather give to our family and friends than to each other. Then we got to talking about two of the girl's coworkers, who are dating. The lady has a son and she's terrified she won't be able to get him a Christmas present. We had already decided to get them some things (Kitten picked out a gorgeous sweater for her, I love it) and put it together as a gift for them. We decided last night money isn't so tight we couldn't go grab some more things for them that we know they'd enjoy and pick up some toys for the kiddo too. I like this idea so much better than getting something for ourselves. It seems right, you know?

Of course, this cued me to have to google what the heck seven year old boys like for toys. I was suprised. I saw nerf on the list, as well as some other toys and games that we played with when I was a kid. Of course, once I got to toys-r-us this morning I almost died when I realized a really good nerf gun costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 and that isn't including all the stuff you need to really trick the toy out. Did you know they make semi-automatic and automatic nerf guns now? That they make mock kevlar vests with holsters and ammo holders now? Its a far cry from the toy I remember as a kid. Cooler, oh yes, but much more advanced. Anyway, I've gotten some ideas for them, and I'm pretty excited that by the end of the week we'll be able to pick up some seriously fun stuff.

So, anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that everyone else seems concerned with the gifts they're going to get; I'm excited to see that we can enjoy a holiday of just giving. If you have the spare money, I defiantely encourage you to give something to someone who is less fortunate than you. I know, without exception, my friends are very lucky, very blessed people.

In other holiday news, I had the official Holiday Fight with my mother this morning. I called her to see how she was and to remind her that we had set aside all of Christmas Day night for her to come spend with us. I planned on cooking dinner and whatnot. She told me she wasn't making any plans, because she didn't know what everyone was doing. I pointed out that was why I was trying to tell her what we were up to. She asked then (as she has for the last three years) whether or not she could bring my brother, or if we would consider having dinner with him too. And, as I have for the last three years, I told her no.

I don't feel like I need to reiterate why it is I am estranged from my brother, or why I feel it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my home. Even if he had apologized to me, his temper is volitle and I don't want to expose Oscelot to it. Or Kitten for that matter.

Of course, this brought on a shouting match with mom. (well, she shouted) She accused me of being unforgiving and childish. I pointed out I forgive him, I just don't feel the need to expose myself to that kind of disrespect. I also don't think its healthy for my family. She seized on the word respect and said it was disrespectful towards her for me to not spend time with him during the holidays for her sake. I countered that I thought it was disrespectful of her to expect me to, seeing as how he told me he wished I would die of AIDS. I don't really think I should have to be around people who actively wish me ill. She told me to grow up and then hung up on me.

So, as always, I'm left to think what I will, since she swears she won't spend Christmas with us because I won't welcome my brother into my home. Honestly, its no skin off my back, since we don't celebrate Christmas, we only do it with our families out of respect for their holiday traditions. But, I am sure, she will inevitably ignore me until an unspecifed time right before Christmas, and then call and try to confirm some sort of plan at the last minute. Last year we each guessed a date that she would call. Oscelot got it right, she called two days before Christmas. This year, Kitten and I have bet on the 21, which is our Yule. Perpet has bet on the 23rd. We'll see. Honestly, it seems pointless. Last year Kitten's mom came over and had breakfast with us and we played board games all day. She only left because my mom came over and made it apparent (with a TON of rude remarks) that she wanted her to leave because she was encroaching on her time with us. What really killed me was she only stayed for about half an hour, even though we had made dinner for her and everything. She didn't even eat.

Ah, well. I see now why Kitten used to hate the holidays. I don't mind it so much now. We have a good way of working things out. WE go to midnight mass with Dad, have breakfast with her mom and dinner with mine. Its easy. We take thir gifts to them and we spend the rest of the time relaxing. I think we're finally beyond stressing about it. Although, I must confess, I am sorely tempted to make plans the night of the 25th if my mom doesn't call by the 20th. I refuse to sit around the house hoping she'll drop by. That's mean of her and pathetic of me.

Anyway, so the holidays are not so bad this year because we have things to cheer us up. Also, I might note, Mrs. Boss knows when Yule is, so she was kind enough to give me my religious day off so I could celebrate. I didn't even have to ask. She is so cool sometimes.

Also, I'm trying to get together enough money to get her boy a copy of the Count of Monte Cristo. He loves to read and we both just finished the Eragon books. We sat and talked about it, and he flattered me by asking if I would help him with his homework on the Hobbit. I plan on rereading Lord of the Rings whenever he gets around to reading it. He's so smart. Only in 6th grade and reading the stuff I like too. He's bringing me a book about the assasination of Abraham Lincoln, and I think I'll enjoy it. I figure I could repay the favor and get him something good too.

So that's the holidays thus far in a nutshell. Tomorrow we're going to start making ornaments for Yule with blessings on them. It'll be fun.

How's your holiday going?

AGxx

Can You Make it Last?

I'm not going to lie, if there are any of you out there who read my last post and lit the candle for me, thank you! In the last two days I have felt better than I have in months. I've been able to eat real food and enjoy it, I've had more energy, and I haven't been nearly as grumpy. I appreciate it if you were thinking of me.

I had a great couple of days off work. First, I woke up both days to a thunderstorm. Now, I know in the middle of summer most people wouldn't think that was a good thing. Unfortuantely for the last month we've had more days of 95 degree plus temperatures than not. I think one of my coworkers said she heard on the news that we only had four days below ninety five in July. While it does tend to get hot here in the summer, this is unnatually hot. And it doesn't look like its going to stop terribly soon. We get a bit of a break next week and then its supposed to get hot again. i'm disappointed. Normally we only have our air conditioning on for about two weeks out of the whole summer. Its been so hot we've had it on since early June. I just want to open the windows and let the fresh air in. Its part of the joy of the warmer months.

Anyway, I woke up to rain, and a lot of it. I was thankful. I'm pretty sure my plants were thankful too. We got to see some blooms come out on our roses and the cats look way less miserable than they had. A bonus, because the kittens outside were so hot we'd been taking them in until the temp dropped back below 100 and now they think they need to be inside all the time. They do, just not in my home.

Thursday I as able to meet up with an old friend of mine. I grew up next door to her grandparents when I was a little girl. We used to play together all the time. After we started high school we lost track of each other. I would call our reunion a fortunate coincidence, but you know I don't belive in coincidence. Turns out Hedgewitch lives across the street from Black Magic. When she friended her on facebook, she saw my profile and was able to get back in touch with me.

I was delighted. She is the same wonderful, sensetive, fun person I remember as a child, only all grown up. We have a lot of similar interests, and we had no trouble whiling the day away together. She came to meet me at my house and we went to lunch together. I didn't know how long she would hang out, having a husband and a life and all that, but we came back to my house and she ended up staying and chatting for almost five hours. It was amazing. She also had a chance to meet Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura, and they loved her. She has a good energy. I'm looking forward to hearing from her again very soon.

Speaking of things I am looking forward to, tomorrow morining I am having breakfast with one of my coworkers. Flyguy is a lot of fun and he's my age, which is such a relief at my workplace. I feel like I actually have someone my own age to relate to and talk to. I don't feel out of touch all the time. As dorky as it sounds, I was nervous giving him my phone number. I assume all of my coworkers tolerate me, rather than actually like me. He's been shooting me messages every now and again, and I like him better each time we talk. He's a nice, clean, stable person. I need friends like that in my life. Anyway, breakfast should be fun, and even though it means I'll wind up at work a half an hour earlier than I am scheduled, I'm not too bitter. I used to go have breakfast with some of my former coworkers every saturday, and I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to people that I work with.

Speaking of talking to people at work, I won't be able to chat to Oscelot anymore. She's got a new job, funnily enough, at The Happy Waffle. She's really happy there, and making a ton of money. I'm glad for her. They're also calling her by her preferred name rather than her given name, which I think makes her feel a lot more comfortable. She gets to see Kitten all the time now, and I have to admit, I appreciate her company more now that I'm not with her 24 hours a day. It was rather annoying for this first week, though, because everyone keeps remarking that I must feel really lonely without her there, as though I didn't work at Casa Bueno for three years before she started. Ah, well, I hate admitting it, but I had gotten accustomed to having someone who would always smile at me and always had a kind word. We'll see if my mood suffers. I certainly hope it doesn't. i'm immensley thankful though, now that she's out of the insurance plan at Casa Bueno, which doesn't cover anything at all and has no network providers in our city, she may actually have a chance to get real, decent medical care, and she needs that. I'll be happy to see her healthier and with doctors who are able to help her rather than make halfhazard guesses as to how to treat her condition.

School's getting ready to start, and I know soon I'll be missing Kitten. I've forgotten over the summer how taxing the schoolyear is, since she goes to school all day on her days off from work. I'm also fighting the disappointment of not getting to go back this fall, but the girls have promised me they are setting aside money to pay for me taking classes next semester, so its only three more months. To be perfectly honest, I've almost gotten to the point of giving up. I don't want to. I really want to go, but after years of thinking about how badly I want to go back, and not being able to, it seems silly to get my hopes up. I think I'm decent at the job I do now, and I think I'm doingokay as a manager. I could do it for the rest of my life and not be loved any less by the people who matter. Still, I want to try. I get frustrated. I do.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I hadn't found anything I though she might want or need as a gift. She's living with my grandmother right now, so more fun things to pack into the house don't seem practical. I wouldn't dream of shopping for clothes for her, and I can't even take a stab at the kind of book she might want. She reads a lot of things, but its hit and miss as to whether or not she likes them. I've decided later this week I'm going to take her to a nice dinner, and hope that its the thought that counts. In the past, I've always gotten her ornate gifts, and packaged them prettily, and taken her to dinner, and for night on the town. This year, that's not really in the cards for me. Not to mention she and I work such different schedules its almost impossible to arrange a day to have lunch , let alone a whole day to do things. I'll be sure to call her tomorrow, and tell her happy birthday. I'll make plans with her to go to dinner. It'll work out I hope. Bet me money, though, that my grandmother calls to remind me to call her, even though I have it marked on my calendar and my mom has mentioned it at least twice in every phone conversation we've had over the last two weeks. Ah, well.

This month is also the month of Kitten and I's one year anniversay with Oscelot. It doesn't seem like its been that long, but it also seems like its been forever, it that makes sense. I feel like I am still learning about her. Of course, she is still learning about herself. With the strides she has made mentally in the last few months, its like she's a new person. I mean, she's the same, but she seems more alert, more emotional, more interesting. I like it. I'm proud to see the way she's taken on her new life. She does it with finesse. I see her outlining new goals for herself and reaching them. It makes me so happy. Not to mention, in case I never have, she's a really patient, giving, loving person. She makes being in a relationship so easy. She is a wonderful partner. I'm thankful to have her every day. I'll have to make sure I tell her that more often. Kitten and I would not be the same without her. Even with the unique structure of our relationship, it feels like we aren't really whole without her as part of our life. I'm so glad we found her.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the tedium of my life too much longer. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'm plannign a post on the new US credit rating and a cute rant about how our politicians are making us look like bigger assholes than we normally are. That takes talent.

Wishing you well this late evening, and hoping you find something beautiful in your life to celebrate this coming week.

AGxx