Wow. As the days grow shorter and back to school time approaches, time seems to be getting shorter as well. My days are begninning to blue together, and its difficult to remember to keep on things. Even things I enjoy, like blogging.
Yesterday was Kitten and I's one year anniversary with Oscelot. All three of us had to work, so we didn't do anything too huge and spectacular. We got Oscelot a bunch of roses and the Disney movie Bambi. She's been on a Babmbi kick lately, so I thought it was timely. We also went and has a nice casual dinner. I was thankful. In part, I have had a cold for the last couple of days (in August, right? Its 100 degrees and I have the sniffles!) and the prospect of getting all dressed up and going to a nice meal seemed like a waste, especially since I'd be sniffling through the whole thing. Also, and we discussed this, I hate the expectation that anniversaries have to be this big to-do. Now, milestone anniversaries I understand, but there's so much pressure. And honestly, if you're doing your relationship right, every day is something special that should be celebrated. So we went and had a good time and it was delightful. Also, Oscelot and Kitten purchased a blender for me, so I can have fancier protein shakes. Romantic, right?
I had thought I was doing better, that I was putting on weight. Then I started my menstrual cycle and realized I'd probably only put on water weight. We'll see at the end of the week, I guess, whether or not I've made any progress. And here I was excited. I thought I'd gained 6 pounds.
My gift from Oscelot was really thoughtful. She purchased the DVD set of Band of Brothers for me. I've been wanting it for several years now, and it seems to get skipped over on all my present lists, because its pretty expensive. I wanted it because my Grandfather was in 151st airborn during WWII and I really realate to his experiences, as he told them to me, through those films. I'm excited to watch it with the girls, I think they will love and appreciate it as much as I do. Its pretty good timing as well, because Samhain is approaching faster than I care to admit and i would like to start an altar for the dead in my home. The primary person I would chose to honor is my grandfather, so I think its a good way to get me thinking about him and how I want to honor him in the coming months.
Fall is approaching (or if your me, or any neopagan, we're almost halfway through the harvest season) and with that comes the picking of fruits and vegetables. I'm excited because this is an excellent time to get plenty of tasty local produce. I like fruit and vegetables from gardens because they seem to have such a better flavor. Also, I know that there are less chemicals and pesticides in the food I'm eating. While I'm definatly not one of the big "everything has to be organic" nuts, I like that there is less likelihood I'm putting cricket killer, or whatever, into my mouth when I eat. And, like I said, the food just tastes better.
With the harvesting comes canning time. Now, I've never done canning before, but I'm excited to give it a try. Hedgewitch gave me the idea. She asked me if I knew how, because she has so much excess vegetable in her garden she isn't going to be able to eat it all. So, canning. I didn't, but I told her I would find out. As luck would have it Bobcat had the comeplete Ball canning book and it has all the detailed instructions we need, plus some great receipes. I plan on making peach preserves at least, and I saw some other recipes in there I wouldn't mind giving a try. One day this week we are going to get together and have an old-fashioned canning day. I'm excited about the preserves. My great-grandmother used to make them, and I'm coming full circle again on fall being the time of year where we remember and honor our dead. Actually, this Samhain is the three year anniversary of her funeral. She will definately have a place on my altar as well.
After we have our little canning party I think we're going to take the time to go for a walk. Its time to start collecting acorns and fallen leaves for Mabon. (that's the second of our fall holidays, and it takes place in the middle of September) Our leaves haven't started to turn quite yet, but they will soon, and in the meantime there are plenty of fallen flower petals and such to gather up. As a fun activity, we're planning on saving some to dip in parrafin so we can arrange them in vases as decoration.
Its been really nice to have another witch to talk to. Especially Hedgewitch, because I've known her since I was a child, and we're so comfortable with eachother. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but we've recently reconnected, and its been refreshing to see someone I knew so well. She is the same as she's always been. I feel like I've been separated from a sister for a very long time and we're getting to make up for lost time. She's a great lady, and she's really in touch with the earth, and with herself, and she is fantastic for understanding and empathizing with other people's emotions. She always has been. She gives me a lot of perspective, and lately, I think I've needed that.
I've had a lot on my mind emotionally lately, and its been nice to have someone to share that with. I know that Sakura and Perpet are always there for me, but I also know that you can only go over something so many times before your friends get sick of hearing about it. I also know what they would say to me, and sometimes having a new perspective is all you need. I think part of my recent illness (okay, most of it) is related to stress, and most of my stress is emotional. I have a lot of stress related to work, and then there's the things you have to cope with on a day to day basis, which I can handle. But sometimes there are long-standing problems you let go too long, or there's new ones that you just can bring yourself to talk about. I have a lot of those. Chatting with Hedgewitch has given me the chance to catch up with her, and to express some of those problems that I let go, or bury, because I have to or I can. She seems to draw it out of me.
I've found myself telling her things I don't talk about much, even here, and they are things that from time to time are troubling to me. Lately, a lot of those things are cropping up, and I hate having to face them emotionally all over again. Of course, this means that I'm dealing with family issues more, or there are things in my past that continue to upset me, and I have to deal with them some time or another. Talking about them with her has helped me greatly. I think its also helpful because some of those things were secrets I'd confided in a few other people recently, and those people let me down. Big time. Now I know that there's that dark part of me out there, in someone's mind, floating around, and they have no reason not to tell other people, because they aren't attached to me anymore. Its frightening. Remember how I mentioned I don't trust people, I expect them to let me down, and I trust them anyway? This is what happens, in my experience. They move on, and they carry that part of you with them, and you can't keep yourself safe anymore.
I trust you, here, because I know that you aren't running around telling people "Alecya has this problem" or "Did you know, Alecya had this happen to her as a teenager, she's sure fucked up because of it." Most of you aren't, anyway. I'm experiencing a new phenomenon, though, and maybe you long-time blogger buddies of mine can tell me how you deal with this. I've always regarded my blog as my space, my place to vent or to confide. Its my little online diary. It never was a problem before, because I don't- or didn't- have a lot of friends. The ones I had weren't interested in my blog, or they already knew my problems. Now I have a widening circle of aquaintences, and they do read my blog, and sometimes I need to vent about things that I don't know I want to share with them. But then, if they are interested...ah, well, I think you get my point. I feel like I have to be careful what I post. I've done the typical, I think, I don't post a link to my blog on Facebook when I've posted something relatively personal or private. I definately don't post a link when I'm blogging about a friend I'm stressed about. Still, I hate editing myself. Maybe I need to say devil take them. This is my space afterall. If I think Sakura is being dramatic (I don't babe) or if Oscelot is making me nuts, or if the Lifeguard is being distant and its making me bonkers, maybe I should post it. If they're checking in, like I know they do, they'll know how I feel. Of course, they probably do already. I just verbalize it here. Right?
Speaking of FB and all its dramatic glory, I had an epic throwdown with one of Oscelot's aunts recently. Without divulging too much of her past, because it isn't my story to tell, I can say safely that her childhood and teen years were terrible. I mean, they make my early years look like a cakewalk. Part of what happened to her has contributed to the mental conditions she suffers from now. She's gtting therapy, which I'm really happy about, and one of the things she's been doing is tring to distance herself from her family, because they were the ones that inflicted the damage. Recently, she asked her parents and the rest of her family to please stop contacting her because she needed time and space to sort out her issues, and seeing them was not only hurting her emotionally, but it was damaging her progress in therapy.
Needless to say, her family has not respected her wishes. Trying to be supportive after a couple of rough days, I posted on her FB wall about how proud I was of her for making those tough decisions and how inspired I was by her bravery in facing her demons. One of her aunts posted a snarky comment underneath my wall post about how that must include abandoning her family. I won't give you a blow by blow, but I tore her in half. Politely, you'll be pleased to know, but in half all the same. She responded by calling me a manipulative bitch and a liar. I was about to be really mean to her when Sakura and Perpet jumped right in and gave her the what for too, telling Oscelot just how much they loved her and how inspiring she was to them too. I was proud. Its great to see your friends come together to support someone who needs it. Also, I was glad to see them put her in her place because I wasn't going to be nice about it, and honestly, I'd like to look like I'm here to love Oscelot (which I am) and not just bait her family. I'm expecting more fallout, its only a matter of time. Fortunately, only one person in her family knows where we live, and she seems to have forgotten. Oscelot has sent a letter to her parents telling them she's going to file a restraining order if they don't leave her alone. They have gotten quiet, but I think we're marking time. I'll be interested to see how things turn out. On the upside, Oscelot has a new counselor, and she's much more versed in queer issues and in Oscelot's issue's in particular, so I think the progress she's made with seem small with the milestones she has ahead.
While I'm speaking of family, I might mention I had breakfast with my mom earlier in the week. i've been trying to focus on myself when I'm with her, because Kitten pointed out that when I'm with her I tend to come away drained and feeling poorly about myself. I noticed she was right, so I 've been making the effort to be better to myself around her. Last week she told me I shouldn't put on weight because I would get fat. That was about the time I realized Kitten was right. Truth is, I'm underweight, by about 30 pounds right now, and worrying about being fat is the last thing I should be concerned about. So, I was proud when I told her I needed to take care of myself. I digress, though.
She launched into one of those long guilt-trip tirades about me not being in contact with Punk, my brother whom I am estranged from. If you're new to the site, the short version is, two summers ago Punk beat up my mom, and when I refused to tell him where she was hiding from him at and tell her to drop the restraining order she filed against him (she did anyway, for the record) he told me I wasn't his sister anymore. Then he called me a stupid dyke and told me he hoped I died of AIDS. Suffice to say, I don't really want to talk to him. Its a small glimpse of a much bigger picture of my relationship with him, and his with my family at large. I don't approve of his lifestyle, or of his actions. Being a former drug abuser and alcoholic, I make it a point not to be around people like him, because I don't want to be like that. I think my family enables his bad habits. I won't.
Anywho, she started in on how she hates the idea that when she dies we'll go on hating eachother forever, and who will take care of him when she's gone. She went on in that vein for a few minuted before I interrupted her. I told her its not my job (or hers for that matter) to take care of him. He's almost 30. He doesn't need to be cared for. He's a big boy now. He needs to do it on his own. And I don't hate him. I just refuse to have someone like him in my life. Why would I willingly subject myself to verbal abuse and disrespect like that? Furthermore, why would I subject my chosen family to that kind of situation? I think the clear answer is that I shouldn't have to. I don't. I never will.
Mom gets like this when the holidays near. She's one of those people that believes in a Brady bunch type family, and she thinks that the holidays can't be happy without that kind of family interaction. Based on a lifetime of expereience, I can tell you that those visions never materialize into reality.
This is the second time in as many weeks that Mom has asked me to get in touch with Punk. She had been asking me about the Craft recently, and I've been explaining the best I can without being too specific, because she doesn't really need to know the clockwork mechanism of my faith. She doesn't practice, and I know she's not really asking because she wants to. Two week ago she asked me about healing, and how we feel about it, and if we have healing spells. I told her we did. She asked me to heal Punk. She was upset when I told her no. Honestly, that was because you have to have a person's permission, not to mention they have to want to be healed and they have to have the faith to make it work. I was missing all three of those things. Mom thinks its because I don't want him to "get better" as she puts it. I explained to her why I couldn't. I also explained you shouldn't cast when you're angry, and believe me, my brother makes me angry. I also mentioned that if he really wanted help a stint in rehad and anger counselling would go a long way.
Again I got a long speech about hating Punk and how it hurts her. She's fixated. I can't make her see my side of the situation. I'm pretty well past the point of trying to explain. Of course, I'll always defend my position when she brings it up, but it seems like I won't make any progress when it comes to making her understand how I feel. When we were talking at breakfast I told her I refused to talk to someone who had said such terrible things to me. I don't tolerate it from strangers, or my friends, why would I tolerate it from my family? Her response was that because he was family I should. And that it was just words, and I had no reason to hold such a grudge. I didn't waste my breath telling her I believe words have power, and that what he said is a reflection of how he feels about me, and the fate he wishes on me. I let it go. Thankfully, we were interrupted.
She did tell me, however, that Punk is going back to school. And that she's paying for it. And that I should be happy about it. I can't tell you how angry and hurt I was. I'm trying to let it go. I mentioned it to Mrs Boss, because she had asked me about school the day before. She told me (and I agree with her) that if being abusive and an addict was the only way I could get help from my family, I was better off not being beholden to them. I'd be more proud of myself doing it on my own anyway. Cheers to that.
In better news, tonight a dairy famer is coming to take all of my adult kitties that are stray to live on his dairy farm, hunt mice, and sleep by his fireplace. I'm excited. I'll miss them, no coubt, but they deserve better than my front porch for a home. Its another prayer answered. I thank Goddess for that. Now, I only have to find homes for my five little male kittens, and all my stray children will have been placed. I'd say it would be over, but there's always more, sadly enough. But the ones I've come to love so much will be better off. It makes me sad to let them go, but I'm pleased that I get a chance to make their furry little existences better.
I'm almost done catching you up, I swear. I'll leave you with a little poem I typed out earlier in the week. I got started writing these because Flyguy (my buddy at work) sent me a rhyming text one day. We got started on little verses, and now he sends them to me when he gets bored at his other job. I like them, because his are always strange, and always a bit dark, and if you know me at all, you know why that appeals to me. On my day off this week he sent me one I liked so well that I returned a second verse to him. It pleased him. So when I forgot to tell him goodnight at work on Friday, I sent him this little verse:
The spectre of the one I love haunts the places dear to me.
Her spiteful laugh, like grinding glass, reminds me what I cannot be.
Not cheerful, but a fun little text poem. I like them. Its like flash fiction, only for poetry. I might post them from time to time. I can't write poetry that isn't trite, but its fun anyway. It gives me a tiny little brain breather.
I hope you are well. I've been thinking of all of you. And for the record, if you're in my blogroll, I've been lurking, I swear, even if I don't say anything.
AGxx
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Can You Make it Last?
I'm not going to lie, if there are any of you out there who read my last post and lit the candle for me, thank you! In the last two days I have felt better than I have in months. I've been able to eat real food and enjoy it, I've had more energy, and I haven't been nearly as grumpy. I appreciate it if you were thinking of me.
I had a great couple of days off work. First, I woke up both days to a thunderstorm. Now, I know in the middle of summer most people wouldn't think that was a good thing. Unfortuantely for the last month we've had more days of 95 degree plus temperatures than not. I think one of my coworkers said she heard on the news that we only had four days below ninety five in July. While it does tend to get hot here in the summer, this is unnatually hot. And it doesn't look like its going to stop terribly soon. We get a bit of a break next week and then its supposed to get hot again. i'm disappointed. Normally we only have our air conditioning on for about two weeks out of the whole summer. Its been so hot we've had it on since early June. I just want to open the windows and let the fresh air in. Its part of the joy of the warmer months.
Anyway, I woke up to rain, and a lot of it. I was thankful. I'm pretty sure my plants were thankful too. We got to see some blooms come out on our roses and the cats look way less miserable than they had. A bonus, because the kittens outside were so hot we'd been taking them in until the temp dropped back below 100 and now they think they need to be inside all the time. They do, just not in my home.
Thursday I as able to meet up with an old friend of mine. I grew up next door to her grandparents when I was a little girl. We used to play together all the time. After we started high school we lost track of each other. I would call our reunion a fortunate coincidence, but you know I don't belive in coincidence. Turns out Hedgewitch lives across the street from Black Magic. When she friended her on facebook, she saw my profile and was able to get back in touch with me.
I was delighted. She is the same wonderful, sensetive, fun person I remember as a child, only all grown up. We have a lot of similar interests, and we had no trouble whiling the day away together. She came to meet me at my house and we went to lunch together. I didn't know how long she would hang out, having a husband and a life and all that, but we came back to my house and she ended up staying and chatting for almost five hours. It was amazing. She also had a chance to meet Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura, and they loved her. She has a good energy. I'm looking forward to hearing from her again very soon.
Speaking of things I am looking forward to, tomorrow morining I am having breakfast with one of my coworkers. Flyguy is a lot of fun and he's my age, which is such a relief at my workplace. I feel like I actually have someone my own age to relate to and talk to. I don't feel out of touch all the time. As dorky as it sounds, I was nervous giving him my phone number. I assume all of my coworkers tolerate me, rather than actually like me. He's been shooting me messages every now and again, and I like him better each time we talk. He's a nice, clean, stable person. I need friends like that in my life. Anyway, breakfast should be fun, and even though it means I'll wind up at work a half an hour earlier than I am scheduled, I'm not too bitter. I used to go have breakfast with some of my former coworkers every saturday, and I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to people that I work with.
Speaking of talking to people at work, I won't be able to chat to Oscelot anymore. She's got a new job, funnily enough, at The Happy Waffle. She's really happy there, and making a ton of money. I'm glad for her. They're also calling her by her preferred name rather than her given name, which I think makes her feel a lot more comfortable. She gets to see Kitten all the time now, and I have to admit, I appreciate her company more now that I'm not with her 24 hours a day. It was rather annoying for this first week, though, because everyone keeps remarking that I must feel really lonely without her there, as though I didn't work at Casa Bueno for three years before she started. Ah, well, I hate admitting it, but I had gotten accustomed to having someone who would always smile at me and always had a kind word. We'll see if my mood suffers. I certainly hope it doesn't. i'm immensley thankful though, now that she's out of the insurance plan at Casa Bueno, which doesn't cover anything at all and has no network providers in our city, she may actually have a chance to get real, decent medical care, and she needs that. I'll be happy to see her healthier and with doctors who are able to help her rather than make halfhazard guesses as to how to treat her condition.
School's getting ready to start, and I know soon I'll be missing Kitten. I've forgotten over the summer how taxing the schoolyear is, since she goes to school all day on her days off from work. I'm also fighting the disappointment of not getting to go back this fall, but the girls have promised me they are setting aside money to pay for me taking classes next semester, so its only three more months. To be perfectly honest, I've almost gotten to the point of giving up. I don't want to. I really want to go, but after years of thinking about how badly I want to go back, and not being able to, it seems silly to get my hopes up. I think I'm decent at the job I do now, and I think I'm doingokay as a manager. I could do it for the rest of my life and not be loved any less by the people who matter. Still, I want to try. I get frustrated. I do.
Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I hadn't found anything I though she might want or need as a gift. She's living with my grandmother right now, so more fun things to pack into the house don't seem practical. I wouldn't dream of shopping for clothes for her, and I can't even take a stab at the kind of book she might want. She reads a lot of things, but its hit and miss as to whether or not she likes them. I've decided later this week I'm going to take her to a nice dinner, and hope that its the thought that counts. In the past, I've always gotten her ornate gifts, and packaged them prettily, and taken her to dinner, and for night on the town. This year, that's not really in the cards for me. Not to mention she and I work such different schedules its almost impossible to arrange a day to have lunch , let alone a whole day to do things. I'll be sure to call her tomorrow, and tell her happy birthday. I'll make plans with her to go to dinner. It'll work out I hope. Bet me money, though, that my grandmother calls to remind me to call her, even though I have it marked on my calendar and my mom has mentioned it at least twice in every phone conversation we've had over the last two weeks. Ah, well.
This month is also the month of Kitten and I's one year anniversay with Oscelot. It doesn't seem like its been that long, but it also seems like its been forever, it that makes sense. I feel like I am still learning about her. Of course, she is still learning about herself. With the strides she has made mentally in the last few months, its like she's a new person. I mean, she's the same, but she seems more alert, more emotional, more interesting. I like it. I'm proud to see the way she's taken on her new life. She does it with finesse. I see her outlining new goals for herself and reaching them. It makes me so happy. Not to mention, in case I never have, she's a really patient, giving, loving person. She makes being in a relationship so easy. She is a wonderful partner. I'm thankful to have her every day. I'll have to make sure I tell her that more often. Kitten and I would not be the same without her. Even with the unique structure of our relationship, it feels like we aren't really whole without her as part of our life. I'm so glad we found her.
Well, that's me in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the tedium of my life too much longer. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'm plannign a post on the new US credit rating and a cute rant about how our politicians are making us look like bigger assholes than we normally are. That takes talent.
Wishing you well this late evening, and hoping you find something beautiful in your life to celebrate this coming week.
AGxx
I had a great couple of days off work. First, I woke up both days to a thunderstorm. Now, I know in the middle of summer most people wouldn't think that was a good thing. Unfortuantely for the last month we've had more days of 95 degree plus temperatures than not. I think one of my coworkers said she heard on the news that we only had four days below ninety five in July. While it does tend to get hot here in the summer, this is unnatually hot. And it doesn't look like its going to stop terribly soon. We get a bit of a break next week and then its supposed to get hot again. i'm disappointed. Normally we only have our air conditioning on for about two weeks out of the whole summer. Its been so hot we've had it on since early June. I just want to open the windows and let the fresh air in. Its part of the joy of the warmer months.
Anyway, I woke up to rain, and a lot of it. I was thankful. I'm pretty sure my plants were thankful too. We got to see some blooms come out on our roses and the cats look way less miserable than they had. A bonus, because the kittens outside were so hot we'd been taking them in until the temp dropped back below 100 and now they think they need to be inside all the time. They do, just not in my home.
Thursday I as able to meet up with an old friend of mine. I grew up next door to her grandparents when I was a little girl. We used to play together all the time. After we started high school we lost track of each other. I would call our reunion a fortunate coincidence, but you know I don't belive in coincidence. Turns out Hedgewitch lives across the street from Black Magic. When she friended her on facebook, she saw my profile and was able to get back in touch with me.
I was delighted. She is the same wonderful, sensetive, fun person I remember as a child, only all grown up. We have a lot of similar interests, and we had no trouble whiling the day away together. She came to meet me at my house and we went to lunch together. I didn't know how long she would hang out, having a husband and a life and all that, but we came back to my house and she ended up staying and chatting for almost five hours. It was amazing. She also had a chance to meet Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura, and they loved her. She has a good energy. I'm looking forward to hearing from her again very soon.
Speaking of things I am looking forward to, tomorrow morining I am having breakfast with one of my coworkers. Flyguy is a lot of fun and he's my age, which is such a relief at my workplace. I feel like I actually have someone my own age to relate to and talk to. I don't feel out of touch all the time. As dorky as it sounds, I was nervous giving him my phone number. I assume all of my coworkers tolerate me, rather than actually like me. He's been shooting me messages every now and again, and I like him better each time we talk. He's a nice, clean, stable person. I need friends like that in my life. Anyway, breakfast should be fun, and even though it means I'll wind up at work a half an hour earlier than I am scheduled, I'm not too bitter. I used to go have breakfast with some of my former coworkers every saturday, and I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to people that I work with.
Speaking of talking to people at work, I won't be able to chat to Oscelot anymore. She's got a new job, funnily enough, at The Happy Waffle. She's really happy there, and making a ton of money. I'm glad for her. They're also calling her by her preferred name rather than her given name, which I think makes her feel a lot more comfortable. She gets to see Kitten all the time now, and I have to admit, I appreciate her company more now that I'm not with her 24 hours a day. It was rather annoying for this first week, though, because everyone keeps remarking that I must feel really lonely without her there, as though I didn't work at Casa Bueno for three years before she started. Ah, well, I hate admitting it, but I had gotten accustomed to having someone who would always smile at me and always had a kind word. We'll see if my mood suffers. I certainly hope it doesn't. i'm immensley thankful though, now that she's out of the insurance plan at Casa Bueno, which doesn't cover anything at all and has no network providers in our city, she may actually have a chance to get real, decent medical care, and she needs that. I'll be happy to see her healthier and with doctors who are able to help her rather than make halfhazard guesses as to how to treat her condition.
School's getting ready to start, and I know soon I'll be missing Kitten. I've forgotten over the summer how taxing the schoolyear is, since she goes to school all day on her days off from work. I'm also fighting the disappointment of not getting to go back this fall, but the girls have promised me they are setting aside money to pay for me taking classes next semester, so its only three more months. To be perfectly honest, I've almost gotten to the point of giving up. I don't want to. I really want to go, but after years of thinking about how badly I want to go back, and not being able to, it seems silly to get my hopes up. I think I'm decent at the job I do now, and I think I'm doingokay as a manager. I could do it for the rest of my life and not be loved any less by the people who matter. Still, I want to try. I get frustrated. I do.
Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I hadn't found anything I though she might want or need as a gift. She's living with my grandmother right now, so more fun things to pack into the house don't seem practical. I wouldn't dream of shopping for clothes for her, and I can't even take a stab at the kind of book she might want. She reads a lot of things, but its hit and miss as to whether or not she likes them. I've decided later this week I'm going to take her to a nice dinner, and hope that its the thought that counts. In the past, I've always gotten her ornate gifts, and packaged them prettily, and taken her to dinner, and for night on the town. This year, that's not really in the cards for me. Not to mention she and I work such different schedules its almost impossible to arrange a day to have lunch , let alone a whole day to do things. I'll be sure to call her tomorrow, and tell her happy birthday. I'll make plans with her to go to dinner. It'll work out I hope. Bet me money, though, that my grandmother calls to remind me to call her, even though I have it marked on my calendar and my mom has mentioned it at least twice in every phone conversation we've had over the last two weeks. Ah, well.
This month is also the month of Kitten and I's one year anniversay with Oscelot. It doesn't seem like its been that long, but it also seems like its been forever, it that makes sense. I feel like I am still learning about her. Of course, she is still learning about herself. With the strides she has made mentally in the last few months, its like she's a new person. I mean, she's the same, but she seems more alert, more emotional, more interesting. I like it. I'm proud to see the way she's taken on her new life. She does it with finesse. I see her outlining new goals for herself and reaching them. It makes me so happy. Not to mention, in case I never have, she's a really patient, giving, loving person. She makes being in a relationship so easy. She is a wonderful partner. I'm thankful to have her every day. I'll have to make sure I tell her that more often. Kitten and I would not be the same without her. Even with the unique structure of our relationship, it feels like we aren't really whole without her as part of our life. I'm so glad we found her.
Well, that's me in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the tedium of my life too much longer. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'm plannign a post on the new US credit rating and a cute rant about how our politicians are making us look like bigger assholes than we normally are. That takes talent.
Wishing you well this late evening, and hoping you find something beautiful in your life to celebrate this coming week.
AGxx
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Multiply Life by the Power of Two
School is about to start and with it comes the reflections on learning, and on my experiences in school. I was thinking about it last night, and I thought about sharing with you some of my experiences with school, and about learning.
I have to start out with the most recent news from a school district in my area. Not my city, but one close by. If you'll recall, I posted earlier this year about banned books. Turns out, this was a timely post. I was checking facebook yesterday and came across a post by Mary Lou Wretched about how a local city has banned some books for the upcoming school year. This banning actually made national news, I read about it in the Christian Science Monitor. The big one, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. Now, I've made my feelings on book bannings pretty clear, but I feel like I have to make the point that its really sad to me that students are kept from leaning and expanding thier worldview because someone feels like a particular book doesn't jive with their worldview, or their morals. I feel like its important to remember that many banned books are interpreted incorrectly, or in some cases, are written from a view point that relects the author's disdain on the subject. The key word here kids is irony. It seems silly to not trust that a student reading a book on a controversial subject is able to interpret the important mores from a story on their own. Reading is not just leisure. Its meant to be a learning experience.
The books banned in this particular town are chalked up to being "too mature" for the high school reader. I think we need to be frank. The local professor who wanted the books pulled from the shelves wasn't thinking of maturity level. He was thinking about the Bible. He said so himself, and even if the local schoolboard wants to stay away from the moral issues concerned- they're there. Like it or not. Regardless, it kills me to think that any school district is attempting to pull books because they feel like they are too advanced for the high school reader. Heaven forbid we give them the opportunity to learn at an advanced rate. Don't make our students think. Don't give them an opportunity to learn something that might benefit them once they reach the college level. Make them wait. After all, the students in the US are far ahead of their world counterparts right? We have no reason to want them to learn critical thinking skills at an early age...
The solace I take in this particular act is I know the personalities of most the high school students in this area. The ones who weren't going to read it in the first place, the Cliff's Notes kids, well- they aren't going to miss out any more than they would have anyway. The advanced students who might have read these books? They'll be checking them out at the county library, or they'll be hitting out local Barnes and Noble or local bookstores to get a copy and see what the fuss was all along. I think they won't be suprised when they see that there isn't much there that's offensive or upsetting. No more than any other book they might be reading in class. Even then, though, it makes me sad to think that there are still people out there who are actively looking to retard the learning process for fear of damaging the blessed cherub's morals. I hate to break it to them, but the fact of the matter is, unless all parents are minding what their children are reading, and watching on television and at the movie theaters, and what they see on the internet...well, their work is in vain. And we all know that parent's now are spending less and less time checking in with their kids. If the local school board really wants to help their students grow they should be finding a way to to get the parents involved in their children's development. Fat chance.
While we're talking about school regulations, lets mention that in the state I live in (as of this school year) teachers are no longer allowed to friend their students via social media. To me, this is one of the studpiest moves they've made in a while. Partially because I know of several elementary and junior high teachers who use social media as an online tutoring tool, and its been helpful to those students. I know we want to protect our students from predators, but maybe screening new teachers, mental health tests and other proactive tools would be more useful than this reactionary response to the use of socal media as a learning aid. I think its clever for teachers to take the opportunity to help their students learn by untilizing a form of communication that their students understand and are familiar with.
Speaking of books, I might mention I found a fabulous article I came across the other day on Cracked.com. Its a great site, full of laughs, if you haven't visited before. This one was about books everyone, including most eanglish teachers, interpreted incorrectly. It was not only informative, but amusing. I had a great time reading it. Who knew that Jack Kerouac hated beatniks? Definately worth a read, if you haven't already.
It also gave me information that made me love Lewis Carroll a little more than I already did. Turns out Alice in Wonderland is all about how he hated advanced mathmatical theory. Apparently, as a mathmatics professor, he was frustrated at the use of imaginary numbers and strange theoretical concepts that his collegues were beginning to discover and teach. As a firm fan on 1+1=2 and I don't care about whether or not there's an absolue value or if the numbers are real or not and heaven forbid there be some sort of x or y that I have to solve for to get the 2, I was delighted. The book was fun to read to begin with. Now that I can approach it from a math viewpoint, I'm pretty sure its going to take on a whole new meaning. Take that, you smoking caterpillar, you!
As I was laying in bed with the girls last night we were talking about how little I like math. Anyone who's known me for any period of time will tell you not only do I dislike math, I'm terrible at it. This phenomenon is odd to me, because up until I hit high school I scored consistently high on math placement tests. I'm unsure if it was the insane, verbally malicious algebra teacher I had my freshman year, or if it was the emotional upheaval that seemed to continually wipe me out throughout high school, or if I simply stopped understanding it; but math became a huge challenge for me.
I was telling the girls in specific about my geometry class (which I ended up retaking my junior year) and how I struggled with it. Now, as an adult who is facing more math classes if I want to graduate, I'll say this- I think geometry will be easier for me now, because I understand the practical application of it. I hated when I asked my teachers why I needed to know it and they responded "because the school board and the state say so." I would have liked to know that baking a kick ass layer cake requires the ability to calculate volume. I worked on a construction site where I used geometry on a daily basis. I understood it too. All I needed was real world experience to make it useful to me. At the time, though, it made no sense.
I had a couple bad habits that really pissed my teacher off too. We had timed tests, and you were told you couldn't turn in the test until the time was up. This assumed you would want to check your work, etc. The scoring for all tests worked like this: 4 point for each problem. 1 point for writing down the correct formula or theorem to go with the problem. 1 point for the correct answer, 2 points for the work, which you always showed. Once, I was frustrated with a word problem for which I knew I needed the Pythagorean theorem. I wrote it out. After I had finished all the test I could, I went back and turned my 90 degree triangle into a peice of cheese. I doodled a little mouse and wrote "Pythagorus" next to it with an arrow. I even made a point to show the teacher that his tail was tangent to the cheese triangle. She was less than amused.
Eventually she ended up pulling me into the hall and yelling at me. See, in each class you got a "taste" unit of high math, supposedly to entice you to learn so you could do cooler math next semester. Unfortunately for me, Trig was the one we did with geometry. And it made sense. Like, the light bulb came on and choirs of angels sang to me. I got it. I loved it. I aced that unit. So I got yelled at because my teacher became convinced that I was just jacking off in her class. I swear, I wasn't. Also, I pointed out to her, it made me angry when Ilearned a shortcut from my tutor (yeah, I had one) because it always worked and she knew it did, but she wouldn't let me use it, even if I understood it and I got the correct answer when I showed my work. To this day I still think its massively unfair. She told me when I could proof my shortcut I could use it. As if I high school student who is struggling with the volume of a cone is going to be able to proof a mathmatical theorem. Hateful, I say.
So, that's me, and school, sort of. Its also me running out of time, I have to go to work. I'll be back tonight with more entertaining stories about life and me.
Love you all
AGxx
I have to start out with the most recent news from a school district in my area. Not my city, but one close by. If you'll recall, I posted earlier this year about banned books. Turns out, this was a timely post. I was checking facebook yesterday and came across a post by Mary Lou Wretched about how a local city has banned some books for the upcoming school year. This banning actually made national news, I read about it in the Christian Science Monitor. The big one, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. Now, I've made my feelings on book bannings pretty clear, but I feel like I have to make the point that its really sad to me that students are kept from leaning and expanding thier worldview because someone feels like a particular book doesn't jive with their worldview, or their morals. I feel like its important to remember that many banned books are interpreted incorrectly, or in some cases, are written from a view point that relects the author's disdain on the subject. The key word here kids is irony. It seems silly to not trust that a student reading a book on a controversial subject is able to interpret the important mores from a story on their own. Reading is not just leisure. Its meant to be a learning experience.
The books banned in this particular town are chalked up to being "too mature" for the high school reader. I think we need to be frank. The local professor who wanted the books pulled from the shelves wasn't thinking of maturity level. He was thinking about the Bible. He said so himself, and even if the local schoolboard wants to stay away from the moral issues concerned- they're there. Like it or not. Regardless, it kills me to think that any school district is attempting to pull books because they feel like they are too advanced for the high school reader. Heaven forbid we give them the opportunity to learn at an advanced rate. Don't make our students think. Don't give them an opportunity to learn something that might benefit them once they reach the college level. Make them wait. After all, the students in the US are far ahead of their world counterparts right? We have no reason to want them to learn critical thinking skills at an early age...
The solace I take in this particular act is I know the personalities of most the high school students in this area. The ones who weren't going to read it in the first place, the Cliff's Notes kids, well- they aren't going to miss out any more than they would have anyway. The advanced students who might have read these books? They'll be checking them out at the county library, or they'll be hitting out local Barnes and Noble or local bookstores to get a copy and see what the fuss was all along. I think they won't be suprised when they see that there isn't much there that's offensive or upsetting. No more than any other book they might be reading in class. Even then, though, it makes me sad to think that there are still people out there who are actively looking to retard the learning process for fear of damaging the blessed cherub's morals. I hate to break it to them, but the fact of the matter is, unless all parents are minding what their children are reading, and watching on television and at the movie theaters, and what they see on the internet...well, their work is in vain. And we all know that parent's now are spending less and less time checking in with their kids. If the local school board really wants to help their students grow they should be finding a way to to get the parents involved in their children's development. Fat chance.
While we're talking about school regulations, lets mention that in the state I live in (as of this school year) teachers are no longer allowed to friend their students via social media. To me, this is one of the studpiest moves they've made in a while. Partially because I know of several elementary and junior high teachers who use social media as an online tutoring tool, and its been helpful to those students. I know we want to protect our students from predators, but maybe screening new teachers, mental health tests and other proactive tools would be more useful than this reactionary response to the use of socal media as a learning aid. I think its clever for teachers to take the opportunity to help their students learn by untilizing a form of communication that their students understand and are familiar with.
Speaking of books, I might mention I found a fabulous article I came across the other day on Cracked.com. Its a great site, full of laughs, if you haven't visited before. This one was about books everyone, including most eanglish teachers, interpreted incorrectly. It was not only informative, but amusing. I had a great time reading it. Who knew that Jack Kerouac hated beatniks? Definately worth a read, if you haven't already.
It also gave me information that made me love Lewis Carroll a little more than I already did. Turns out Alice in Wonderland is all about how he hated advanced mathmatical theory. Apparently, as a mathmatics professor, he was frustrated at the use of imaginary numbers and strange theoretical concepts that his collegues were beginning to discover and teach. As a firm fan on 1+1=2 and I don't care about whether or not there's an absolue value or if the numbers are real or not and heaven forbid there be some sort of x or y that I have to solve for to get the 2, I was delighted. The book was fun to read to begin with. Now that I can approach it from a math viewpoint, I'm pretty sure its going to take on a whole new meaning. Take that, you smoking caterpillar, you!
As I was laying in bed with the girls last night we were talking about how little I like math. Anyone who's known me for any period of time will tell you not only do I dislike math, I'm terrible at it. This phenomenon is odd to me, because up until I hit high school I scored consistently high on math placement tests. I'm unsure if it was the insane, verbally malicious algebra teacher I had my freshman year, or if it was the emotional upheaval that seemed to continually wipe me out throughout high school, or if I simply stopped understanding it; but math became a huge challenge for me.
I was telling the girls in specific about my geometry class (which I ended up retaking my junior year) and how I struggled with it. Now, as an adult who is facing more math classes if I want to graduate, I'll say this- I think geometry will be easier for me now, because I understand the practical application of it. I hated when I asked my teachers why I needed to know it and they responded "because the school board and the state say so." I would have liked to know that baking a kick ass layer cake requires the ability to calculate volume. I worked on a construction site where I used geometry on a daily basis. I understood it too. All I needed was real world experience to make it useful to me. At the time, though, it made no sense.
I had a couple bad habits that really pissed my teacher off too. We had timed tests, and you were told you couldn't turn in the test until the time was up. This assumed you would want to check your work, etc. The scoring for all tests worked like this: 4 point for each problem. 1 point for writing down the correct formula or theorem to go with the problem. 1 point for the correct answer, 2 points for the work, which you always showed. Once, I was frustrated with a word problem for which I knew I needed the Pythagorean theorem. I wrote it out. After I had finished all the test I could, I went back and turned my 90 degree triangle into a peice of cheese. I doodled a little mouse and wrote "Pythagorus" next to it with an arrow. I even made a point to show the teacher that his tail was tangent to the cheese triangle. She was less than amused.
Eventually she ended up pulling me into the hall and yelling at me. See, in each class you got a "taste" unit of high math, supposedly to entice you to learn so you could do cooler math next semester. Unfortunately for me, Trig was the one we did with geometry. And it made sense. Like, the light bulb came on and choirs of angels sang to me. I got it. I loved it. I aced that unit. So I got yelled at because my teacher became convinced that I was just jacking off in her class. I swear, I wasn't. Also, I pointed out to her, it made me angry when Ilearned a shortcut from my tutor (yeah, I had one) because it always worked and she knew it did, but she wouldn't let me use it, even if I understood it and I got the correct answer when I showed my work. To this day I still think its massively unfair. She told me when I could proof my shortcut I could use it. As if I high school student who is struggling with the volume of a cone is going to be able to proof a mathmatical theorem. Hateful, I say.
So, that's me, and school, sort of. Its also me running out of time, I have to go to work. I'll be back tonight with more entertaining stories about life and me.
Love you all
AGxx
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Running the gauntlet
I'm exhausted. Seriously. Work seems to keep taking the toll it always does, and I find myself more and more trying to find new sources of energy. Lookng within myself to find it is difficult. I'm not going to lie. I tried meditation this evening and could barely keep it up for ten minutes. There are so many things running through my head, it seems nearly impossible to focus on myself. The thing is, I know that's what I need to be doing.
In other news- the garden. Yeah, I think I might have mentioned, our new neighbors in the rental next to us, not such nice people. I think he's made an effort to annoy us. He's taken out one of my corner fences and not replaced it, mowed over my entire hedgerow (yeah, they're dead now) and he tried to mow over my Maria Stern rosebush. Annoyed. So I went and bought newer, fluffier hedges that he can't mow over without making a huge mess. I might have also put metal spikes into the ground under them, sticking up about three inches. If he mows my hedges down this time, its gonna kill his mower. I asked nicely for him to stop twice. I think that's more than enough warning. Three strikes, you're out. I also am the proud owner of five new rosebushes and a dawrf alberta spruce. My lawn is already looking lovelier. And the smell! Its amazing. I'm contemplating filling the whole of my flowerbeds with irises and roses. They smell gorgeous and I know I can get them to grow.
On the homefront, I had some great bonding time with some friends yesterday. Especially Sakura. I love that he and I have a beautiful connection. When it comes to the idea of teh "froup mind" in a coven, I definately understand it when it comes to he and I. I feel like we've connected in a really special way. He did a reading for me last night, and I appreciated it. I knew he would know my question the minute the reading was laid out, and honestly, I knew what the answer to my question was. The thing is, sometimes its hard to face reality. Sometimes its hard to let things go. And hearing it directly from the diety is the easiest way to cope with that. I know what path I need to take right now, regarding a very specific situation. Its been one I've struggled with a lot recently. Finding my footing has really helped me. I'm lucky to have someone as loving, compassionate and talented as a part of my coven.
I also reconnected with an old friend recently, and we got to spend some time together. He got to meet my partners. They love him. Keats (that's what we'll call him) is a really special person to me. I'm not entirely sure if even he remembers all of the favors he has done for me in the past. Suffice to say, having him come back into my life is a boon for me. And it started with a dream. I know, I know, I expound on the power of dreams frequently, but I think this is a great example of how well they work when you pay attention to them. I had a dream about him, so I made an effort to find him. Turns out, he'd been dreaming about me too. An odd "coincidence" when you think of the fact we haven't seen eachother in nearly three years and that we've both changed since the last time we saw eachother. I believe people come into you life for a reason. He reentered mine, and I'm looking forward to seeing what our relationship will bring. As an added benefit both the girls love him (knowing how gurded Kitten is, this is huge) I'm hoping he will become a frequent visitor in my household. He's intelligent, witty and amazingly empathetic. On top of that, he's funny as hell. I love it.
I'm a little frustrated at work right now. Our girls are playing a home bout in a couple of weeks. I asked off for the evening of the bout and the morning after today. Turns out, I'm the only regular supervisor going to be in town that weekend. It bites, because it means if I can't pull some serious strings, Kitten Oscelot and Sakura, with our other friends, will be attending while I am stuck at work. Its part of the new responsibility, I know, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I have my hopes one of our part-time managers will come through for me just for the saturday night. I'm willing to work an all day on no sleep if I have to, I just want to go an have a fun night with my friends.
We're going to get the tires for the truck tomorrow, which is great. It means we have the chance to try and go do something fun before the summer is over. I'm dying for a night out of town. I need a break, seriously. I feel so tired, both emotionally and physically, most mornings, I can barely stand it.
In other good news, I think I finally talked sense to my student loan people, and they realize that I can't pay them $320 a month on my loans. We've worked out a deal, which means that this time next year my loans will be out of default and I can get grants so I can go back to school. Its still a setback, but its better than I could have hoped at this point. My mom had offered to pay for my classes this semester, but I'll believe that when I see it. Hopefully, though, she'll coem through for me, and I can jump in with a class or two this semester. Of course, she doesn't normally come through, there's always something (not that I blame her, I wouldn't do that) but I will confess its another thing I've been sincerely praying for.
That's me, and my world, in a nutshell. I know I have some friends out tehre, lurking in blogland, that have a lot on their plates right now. The offer always stands, let me help you if I can. Even if its just that you need someone to email so you can bitch and get it off your chest. Let me be your pal. I know you are there for me when I need it.
Love you all.
AGxx
Ps- the lovely Gayle Moffet, in my sidebar, is getting ready to publish. She's seriously talented. check her out. Also, I made a mistake in her address, so click on the top of her blog to go to her homepage. I'm working on fixing that up. In the meantime, see what she's up to. Great lady.
In other news- the garden. Yeah, I think I might have mentioned, our new neighbors in the rental next to us, not such nice people. I think he's made an effort to annoy us. He's taken out one of my corner fences and not replaced it, mowed over my entire hedgerow (yeah, they're dead now) and he tried to mow over my Maria Stern rosebush. Annoyed. So I went and bought newer, fluffier hedges that he can't mow over without making a huge mess. I might have also put metal spikes into the ground under them, sticking up about three inches. If he mows my hedges down this time, its gonna kill his mower. I asked nicely for him to stop twice. I think that's more than enough warning. Three strikes, you're out. I also am the proud owner of five new rosebushes and a dawrf alberta spruce. My lawn is already looking lovelier. And the smell! Its amazing. I'm contemplating filling the whole of my flowerbeds with irises and roses. They smell gorgeous and I know I can get them to grow.
On the homefront, I had some great bonding time with some friends yesterday. Especially Sakura. I love that he and I have a beautiful connection. When it comes to the idea of teh "froup mind" in a coven, I definately understand it when it comes to he and I. I feel like we've connected in a really special way. He did a reading for me last night, and I appreciated it. I knew he would know my question the minute the reading was laid out, and honestly, I knew what the answer to my question was. The thing is, sometimes its hard to face reality. Sometimes its hard to let things go. And hearing it directly from the diety is the easiest way to cope with that. I know what path I need to take right now, regarding a very specific situation. Its been one I've struggled with a lot recently. Finding my footing has really helped me. I'm lucky to have someone as loving, compassionate and talented as a part of my coven.
I also reconnected with an old friend recently, and we got to spend some time together. He got to meet my partners. They love him. Keats (that's what we'll call him) is a really special person to me. I'm not entirely sure if even he remembers all of the favors he has done for me in the past. Suffice to say, having him come back into my life is a boon for me. And it started with a dream. I know, I know, I expound on the power of dreams frequently, but I think this is a great example of how well they work when you pay attention to them. I had a dream about him, so I made an effort to find him. Turns out, he'd been dreaming about me too. An odd "coincidence" when you think of the fact we haven't seen eachother in nearly three years and that we've both changed since the last time we saw eachother. I believe people come into you life for a reason. He reentered mine, and I'm looking forward to seeing what our relationship will bring. As an added benefit both the girls love him (knowing how gurded Kitten is, this is huge) I'm hoping he will become a frequent visitor in my household. He's intelligent, witty and amazingly empathetic. On top of that, he's funny as hell. I love it.
I'm a little frustrated at work right now. Our girls are playing a home bout in a couple of weeks. I asked off for the evening of the bout and the morning after today. Turns out, I'm the only regular supervisor going to be in town that weekend. It bites, because it means if I can't pull some serious strings, Kitten Oscelot and Sakura, with our other friends, will be attending while I am stuck at work. Its part of the new responsibility, I know, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I have my hopes one of our part-time managers will come through for me just for the saturday night. I'm willing to work an all day on no sleep if I have to, I just want to go an have a fun night with my friends.
We're going to get the tires for the truck tomorrow, which is great. It means we have the chance to try and go do something fun before the summer is over. I'm dying for a night out of town. I need a break, seriously. I feel so tired, both emotionally and physically, most mornings, I can barely stand it.
In other good news, I think I finally talked sense to my student loan people, and they realize that I can't pay them $320 a month on my loans. We've worked out a deal, which means that this time next year my loans will be out of default and I can get grants so I can go back to school. Its still a setback, but its better than I could have hoped at this point. My mom had offered to pay for my classes this semester, but I'll believe that when I see it. Hopefully, though, she'll coem through for me, and I can jump in with a class or two this semester. Of course, she doesn't normally come through, there's always something (not that I blame her, I wouldn't do that) but I will confess its another thing I've been sincerely praying for.
That's me, and my world, in a nutshell. I know I have some friends out tehre, lurking in blogland, that have a lot on their plates right now. The offer always stands, let me help you if I can. Even if its just that you need someone to email so you can bitch and get it off your chest. Let me be your pal. I know you are there for me when I need it.
Love you all.
AGxx
Ps- the lovely Gayle Moffet, in my sidebar, is getting ready to publish. She's seriously talented. check her out. Also, I made a mistake in her address, so click on the top of her blog to go to her homepage. I'm working on fixing that up. In the meantime, see what she's up to. Great lady.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Heartbreak
I cried today. Like, I actually cried. Tears. If you know me, then you know that isn't something I do often. Actually, its something I do rarely enough it normally frightens my loved ones to see it.
Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?
I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.
It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?
The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.
I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.
AGxx
Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?
I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.
It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?
The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.
I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.
AGxx
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tonight We Discuss Agony, Irony, Friendship and Fun
Today was a wonderful, exciting, action packed day.
I registered for school today. It was at once the most awesome thing I have done in a long time and the most frustrating and terrifying.
We got up this morning and went to breakfast, its a Tuesday morning tradition in our house to have breakfast together. After breakfast Oscelot had a doctor's appointment. While she was there I was going to zip over to Local CC to see what I needed to do to get registered. I had already looked at the site online. I knew I was going to have to apply. I knew I would have to talk about financial aid. I was aware they might need my transcripts. I was also prepared to take placement testing if they needed me to.
I wasn't prepared to feel totally lost. When we got to the school (Kitten was with me) I went and checked in with Student Services. They sent me upstairs with a little purple slip a bit like a hallpass, and told me there was someone upstairs who could help me. This was a lie.
There was someone upstairs. But she did not help me. I went to the desk and was met by a surly looking Asian chick about my age, possibly younger. I handed her my slip and told her they had said downstairs that she could help me. Our conversation went a little like this:
Me: They said you could help me get things sorted out
AC: What do you want?
Me: To go to school
AC: So you want an information packet?
Me: No, I want to register for school.
AC: Have you filled out an application?
Me: No
AC: well here's a computer password, they're case senstive. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: Um, so, the transcripts...If I wanted to start over, couldn't I just take the placement tests and, you know, start over? Do I have to transfer my credits?
AC: We don't do that. You have to use your old credits.
Me: Why?
AC: Because if you've already gone to school we need to see it.
Me: So couldn't I just give you the transcripts and start over
AC: No.
Me: Why?
AC: You need to fill out an application first. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: So, is there, like, a chance I won't get accepted?
AC: No. We're open enrollment.
Me: How long before I hear anything?
AC: Your transcripts will take at least three days and then we need at least a week to process them.
Me: Before I'm accepted?
AC: Before we can enroll you in classes.
Throroughly confused, I wandered over to the computer and applied. Once it was in I tried printing off a transcript request form from the computer. Nothing happened. I went and asked her timidly if I was allowed to print from the computer, since the printer behind me wasn't working. She told me to use the printer behind me. I ended up writing the information down. We left, after I swiped some study guides for the placement tests.
I tried not to collapse into a state of nerves from this exchange. I have mentioned, frequently, I don't like strangers. I really, really don't like strangers who are grumpy. Especially when I am forced to talk to them because they have something I need. They scare me. I was indeed scared by the AC.
After picking up Oscelot we went to State U, where I was last enrolled, in an attempt to get my transcript. I discovered I was encumbered (this means I owe the school money for something) So I went to the payment office to deal with it. The lady at the window asked me for my "M Number" I told her I didn't know what that was. I offered my SSN. She told me no, she had to have my M Number. Then she asked when I last attened school. I admitted it had been 5 years. She made a comment about me being in "that old system we used to have"
Cue me waiting for 15 minutes while they find my M Number, which apparently was assigned to me when they got the new system, even if I didn't know it. When I finally got my staggeringly large encumberance figure (okay, $180 but it felt big to me) I left, since I didn't have that in my pocket. Feeling defeated I plodded back to metered parking where the girls were waiting. Kitten cheerfully packed me off to my old high school so I could get those transcripts.
They've completely redone the inside of the building. It didn't even look like my school anymore. I got my transcript request. Then I had to go back to the truck because they make you pay for them in high school, aparently. Then I had to traipse all over the building to get a receipt, because apparently the school has one person solely dedicated to giving out receipts and the lady who did that was out to lunch. (apparently, this isn't uncommon. It was when I was in school) while they were breaking into her office to get my receipt I looked in on the principal, who was nearby. Friends, he looked my age. I wanted to die. Here's this guy who can't be more than five years older than me, sitting in his office in a school mascot hoodie, while I waited to get my transcript receipt so I could go back to community college. Wow. I'm a loser.
I also noted as I stepped back out into the sun that the school is now air conditioned. I made a snide comment about it as we drove off. Oscelot, the darling, looks at me incredulously and says, "You're school wasn't air conditioned?" No, dear heart, it wasn't. I'm old. We were lucky to have heaters that worked in the winter.
Back to State U because apparently Kitten had $180 laying around. After getting my encumberance paid and traisping off to more offices to make sure they knew I wasn't in debt anymore, we headed back to Local CC and I went back to the first floor in a terror, waiting to get my purple slip to go upstairs and have the AC yell at me again.
Turns out, the nice lady who helped me out this time tells me, my transcripts will be processed tonight. If I fill out my FAFSA (the priority deadline is July 1, sweetheart) and do my online orientation tonight or tomorrow, I could enroll for classes as soon as next week. All we have to do is wait on my student aid report. Lovely. I stammer quietly:
"So it doesn't take a week to process my transcripts?"
"No., who told you that?"
"The girl upstairs"
"She doesn't know what she's talking about. Here-I'll give you everything you need."
And she did. AC is a dirty, dirty liar. Kitten says I should cut her some slack since she deals with people and the same questions all the time. Personally, I think this means she should be more patient. Since she ought to know that some people are going to come in feeling uncertain and needing a little more guidance.
Maybe that's just me. When I got home I filled out the federal student aid form. It looks like I might qualify for some grants, which is awesome. I might be able to do this without completely financially decimating myself. Hooray, for once, for being poor. I can get help paying for school.
Things are looking up on the school front.
My first night learning to supervise at Casa Beuno went well. We're also starting some contests for new menu releases, and I always do well in those. I also make more money. I think its because I try harder. Either way, I'm excited about it, and I am looking forward to the next month or so.
Also, it looks like we might be able to find tires for less than $600 for our truck. It makes me feel better. I mean, that's a lot of money, but it feel a little more managable than $900. Stupid truck tires. They're so expensive. Its like they are lined in gold or something. Ah, well. If you need them you need them.
Things are not shaping up as well for me getting out of town in the next two weeks. This is a huge downer, because that means it will probably be after the fourth of July before we get a chance to go and do anything. Not good. I need out of town. Now. I'm so sick of the sight of Middle of Nowhere that I want to scream. I get this way a few times a year. Normally, just a little day trip our of town will fix this. I need to have a day to get away and have fun. Its annoying that money is the only thing preventing this. Really really annoying. It looks as though I will have to work harder, be more charming, and be friendlier than usual, so people want to tip me so I can buy truck tires so I can get the heck out of town.
Edited to note: I was having a friend conundrum last night. I got some good advice from the Lifeguard. I am not a 15 year old girl. I am better than that. Thank you, friend, for reminding me. I expect better from myself too.
In a more interesting aside, for my buddies who are my age, a coworker set me onto a website that totally has be giggling. Its called yeahflashback.com and it has pictures, rather like the lolcats, that are of old stuff from the 80's and 90's. If you ever wanted a dream phone, played with Lincoln Logs or chewed Dr. Pepper or ouch! (hubba bubba) bubble gum, this site is going to make you laugh. You should go check it out.
I'm also adding a new link in my blogroll. Her name is Bunny Low-Browski and she is a non-local rollergirl who blogs. I love reading her stuff, she's a funny, quick witted girl. I have to admit, I also love that she uses the word fuck prolifically. Because it seems natural to her. If you are a derby girl, or you know one, or you love the sport, this is a great read. If you're wanting an insight into the mentality of a great player who has an interesting outlook on her sport, this also something you will want to read. Honestly, I'm hoping you'll go check her out, at least once, just because I think she's cool.
I think that's all I'm able to bore you with tonight. Subscribers, leave me a dang comment. I want to know who you guys are. :) I like friends.
Take a moment this week to try and do something you've wanted to do. If you can't, confront a fear of yours. I'll be interested to hear from you, how it goes.
Have a great night.
I'm off to try and actually get some sleep.
AGxx
I registered for school today. It was at once the most awesome thing I have done in a long time and the most frustrating and terrifying.
We got up this morning and went to breakfast, its a Tuesday morning tradition in our house to have breakfast together. After breakfast Oscelot had a doctor's appointment. While she was there I was going to zip over to Local CC to see what I needed to do to get registered. I had already looked at the site online. I knew I was going to have to apply. I knew I would have to talk about financial aid. I was aware they might need my transcripts. I was also prepared to take placement testing if they needed me to.
I wasn't prepared to feel totally lost. When we got to the school (Kitten was with me) I went and checked in with Student Services. They sent me upstairs with a little purple slip a bit like a hallpass, and told me there was someone upstairs who could help me. This was a lie.
There was someone upstairs. But she did not help me. I went to the desk and was met by a surly looking Asian chick about my age, possibly younger. I handed her my slip and told her they had said downstairs that she could help me. Our conversation went a little like this:
Me: They said you could help me get things sorted out
AC: What do you want?
Me: To go to school
AC: So you want an information packet?
Me: No, I want to register for school.
AC: Have you filled out an application?
Me: No
AC: well here's a computer password, they're case senstive. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: Um, so, the transcripts...If I wanted to start over, couldn't I just take the placement tests and, you know, start over? Do I have to transfer my credits?
AC: We don't do that. You have to use your old credits.
Me: Why?
AC: Because if you've already gone to school we need to see it.
Me: So couldn't I just give you the transcripts and start over
AC: No.
Me: Why?
AC: You need to fill out an application first. You can use the computer over there to do it. Then you'll need to get your transcripts or placement testing or both and deal with your financial aid. Then we'll get back to you.
Me: So, is there, like, a chance I won't get accepted?
AC: No. We're open enrollment.
Me: How long before I hear anything?
AC: Your transcripts will take at least three days and then we need at least a week to process them.
Me: Before I'm accepted?
AC: Before we can enroll you in classes.
Throroughly confused, I wandered over to the computer and applied. Once it was in I tried printing off a transcript request form from the computer. Nothing happened. I went and asked her timidly if I was allowed to print from the computer, since the printer behind me wasn't working. She told me to use the printer behind me. I ended up writing the information down. We left, after I swiped some study guides for the placement tests.
I tried not to collapse into a state of nerves from this exchange. I have mentioned, frequently, I don't like strangers. I really, really don't like strangers who are grumpy. Especially when I am forced to talk to them because they have something I need. They scare me. I was indeed scared by the AC.
After picking up Oscelot we went to State U, where I was last enrolled, in an attempt to get my transcript. I discovered I was encumbered (this means I owe the school money for something) So I went to the payment office to deal with it. The lady at the window asked me for my "M Number" I told her I didn't know what that was. I offered my SSN. She told me no, she had to have my M Number. Then she asked when I last attened school. I admitted it had been 5 years. She made a comment about me being in "that old system we used to have"
Cue me waiting for 15 minutes while they find my M Number, which apparently was assigned to me when they got the new system, even if I didn't know it. When I finally got my staggeringly large encumberance figure (okay, $180 but it felt big to me) I left, since I didn't have that in my pocket. Feeling defeated I plodded back to metered parking where the girls were waiting. Kitten cheerfully packed me off to my old high school so I could get those transcripts.
They've completely redone the inside of the building. It didn't even look like my school anymore. I got my transcript request. Then I had to go back to the truck because they make you pay for them in high school, aparently. Then I had to traipse all over the building to get a receipt, because apparently the school has one person solely dedicated to giving out receipts and the lady who did that was out to lunch. (apparently, this isn't uncommon. It was when I was in school) while they were breaking into her office to get my receipt I looked in on the principal, who was nearby. Friends, he looked my age. I wanted to die. Here's this guy who can't be more than five years older than me, sitting in his office in a school mascot hoodie, while I waited to get my transcript receipt so I could go back to community college. Wow. I'm a loser.
I also noted as I stepped back out into the sun that the school is now air conditioned. I made a snide comment about it as we drove off. Oscelot, the darling, looks at me incredulously and says, "You're school wasn't air conditioned?" No, dear heart, it wasn't. I'm old. We were lucky to have heaters that worked in the winter.
Back to State U because apparently Kitten had $180 laying around. After getting my encumberance paid and traisping off to more offices to make sure they knew I wasn't in debt anymore, we headed back to Local CC and I went back to the first floor in a terror, waiting to get my purple slip to go upstairs and have the AC yell at me again.
Turns out, the nice lady who helped me out this time tells me, my transcripts will be processed tonight. If I fill out my FAFSA (the priority deadline is July 1, sweetheart) and do my online orientation tonight or tomorrow, I could enroll for classes as soon as next week. All we have to do is wait on my student aid report. Lovely. I stammer quietly:
"So it doesn't take a week to process my transcripts?"
"No., who told you that?"
"The girl upstairs"
"She doesn't know what she's talking about. Here-I'll give you everything you need."
And she did. AC is a dirty, dirty liar. Kitten says I should cut her some slack since she deals with people and the same questions all the time. Personally, I think this means she should be more patient. Since she ought to know that some people are going to come in feeling uncertain and needing a little more guidance.
Maybe that's just me. When I got home I filled out the federal student aid form. It looks like I might qualify for some grants, which is awesome. I might be able to do this without completely financially decimating myself. Hooray, for once, for being poor. I can get help paying for school.
Things are looking up on the school front.
My first night learning to supervise at Casa Beuno went well. We're also starting some contests for new menu releases, and I always do well in those. I also make more money. I think its because I try harder. Either way, I'm excited about it, and I am looking forward to the next month or so.
Also, it looks like we might be able to find tires for less than $600 for our truck. It makes me feel better. I mean, that's a lot of money, but it feel a little more managable than $900. Stupid truck tires. They're so expensive. Its like they are lined in gold or something. Ah, well. If you need them you need them.
Things are not shaping up as well for me getting out of town in the next two weeks. This is a huge downer, because that means it will probably be after the fourth of July before we get a chance to go and do anything. Not good. I need out of town. Now. I'm so sick of the sight of Middle of Nowhere that I want to scream. I get this way a few times a year. Normally, just a little day trip our of town will fix this. I need to have a day to get away and have fun. Its annoying that money is the only thing preventing this. Really really annoying. It looks as though I will have to work harder, be more charming, and be friendlier than usual, so people want to tip me so I can buy truck tires so I can get the heck out of town.
Edited to note: I was having a friend conundrum last night. I got some good advice from the Lifeguard. I am not a 15 year old girl. I am better than that. Thank you, friend, for reminding me. I expect better from myself too.
In a more interesting aside, for my buddies who are my age, a coworker set me onto a website that totally has be giggling. Its called yeahflashback.com and it has pictures, rather like the lolcats, that are of old stuff from the 80's and 90's. If you ever wanted a dream phone, played with Lincoln Logs or chewed Dr. Pepper or ouch! (hubba bubba) bubble gum, this site is going to make you laugh. You should go check it out.
I'm also adding a new link in my blogroll. Her name is Bunny Low-Browski and she is a non-local rollergirl who blogs. I love reading her stuff, she's a funny, quick witted girl. I have to admit, I also love that she uses the word fuck prolifically. Because it seems natural to her. If you are a derby girl, or you know one, or you love the sport, this is a great read. If you're wanting an insight into the mentality of a great player who has an interesting outlook on her sport, this also something you will want to read. Honestly, I'm hoping you'll go check her out, at least once, just because I think she's cool.
I think that's all I'm able to bore you with tonight. Subscribers, leave me a dang comment. I want to know who you guys are. :) I like friends.
Take a moment this week to try and do something you've wanted to do. If you can't, confront a fear of yours. I'll be interested to hear from you, how it goes.
Have a great night.
I'm off to try and actually get some sleep.
AGxx
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