I Don't Really Want To Be Seen In My Own Eyes

So its been a really long time right? But every now and again it seems like its good to get things off my chest, or to just write instead of micro-blog, which I do all the time on Tumblr, or to get distracted on Facebook or whatever it is that I'm normally up to when I should be in school and keeping on task. Fortunately for me, Kitten wanted to go to the library this afternoon to do some stuff for work and that leaves me here, in the library, on a snow day with not much to do but reflect. Its almost like its 2008 again....And since I had some recent food for thought...well, here I am. Again.

hello, old friends.

So we went to lunch with a friend of ours today and we were talking about working out at the gym. We're all pretty frequent work out partners, so its not uncommon to talk about it. We've started some new classes with them and I find I am much more challenged than I am by the other ones we're taking (not that my water classes and my cardio classes aren't killing me...I just never wish I was dead halfway though in them....) Anyway, the topic of what we think about while we're working out came up. Our friend was in the military and she said she always hears her drill instructors in her head. Kitten said she hears music- whether its what's on the radio or whatever she's earworming. She uses the beats to push herself. When the topic of what I heard came up, I answered, entirely honestly, that I hear myself. I've got a picture in my head of what I want from me, and I hear myself, over and over, saying that this- what I am now- is not good enough, its not what I want. It pushes me.

I was a little taken aback when our friend suggested that I might need to get help because of it. Her position is I'm like this all the time, with everything and it indicates I might need to get psychological help to fix it.

I want to preface this with what will seem like excuse: I don't think how I feel is unhealthy. I don't hate myself. I like myself better now than I think I ever have. But I want things from myself- a better, healthier body, perfect grades, a Masters in the next five years, a farm, a fistful of friends that care about me. I want to be more compassionate, more feeling, more humble. I want to be less angry and less afraid. I know myself. I've given myself too much slack, too much room to pity myself and too much time to wallow in my shortcomings. I don't think its wrong, now, to push myself as hard as I can. It makes me better.

Some people might see that as going overboard- but I know what I've accomplished. I've got perfect grades. I've been invited to join the honors fraternity, which was my goal last semester. I won our public speaking forum because I pushed myself to stop being afraid, to never rely on anything but myself when it came to my speaking ability. I'm at head of all my classes and I am learning, quickly, to love the subjects I feared. I'm in a degree program I started out knowing almost nothing about, and I'm already making huge leaps towards my career goals. I have a great marriage. I'm good at my job- hell, I'm good at every position in the restaurant I work at. All of them. The only person better than me is Kitten- and I'm never going to cook the way she does. I'm at peace with that. I've lost 12 pounds since December. I'm almost to the point of putting back on the muscle weight I'll need. That's huge. I'm not afraid to look in the mirror when I wake up anymore. Its because I'm doing the best I can for myself- and it has nothing to do with hating who I am. I am holding myself to my standard: to give myself the very best I can, including total commitment to being 100% honest and accountable to myself, all the time. I don't look at that as something that I need to fix. To me, its not weakness, is strength.

But all of that, all those things, in the light of who I am now may seem extreme. Because she's a new friend, I haven't had the time to tell her all the things that you know about me. What I know about myself. But if I did, I would have told her of all the progress I've made.

I don't see my body the way I  should. I know that. But I've overcome my eating disorder. I know what I see in the mirror isn't real. And I know that I'm always going to struggle with my weight, and my looks. But I also learned to set reasonable goals, to know what's healthy for a woman my height and age. To know what I want from myself and to learn to love and accept what I see. To accept the love that everyone around me gives me- just because I see something different doesn't mean they're wrong. And in spite of some of the terrible things that have happened to me, I don't see my body as damaged goods, or unworthy. I can see myself of something whole and beautiful and worthy of love and perfection. That's a gift only I can give me. And I know, always, that anyone who is allowed to see any part of my body is being given a gift from me.

I'm clean. I've kicked my addiction. That was a struggle, and every time I think of how I am not strong enough, or not good enough, I remember coming out of it and how hard it was for me. I remember how sick I felt, how afraid I felt.  I remember feeling weak, pathetic. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not a slave to anything in my life. That's a lot of freedom to give yourself.

In spite of that fact that I have what most people would call a terrible self esteem, I don't hate myself anymore. I've forgiven myself for my mistakes. I realize that I can't blame myself for everything that's happened to me. I also know that when I have to accept the blame for a bad decision, that doesn't make me a horrible person. I don't punish myself for things I've done. I don't allow myself to dwell on the past- as much as I possibly can- and I've finally stopped replaying in my head every mistake I make and every failure I've experienced as I go to bed each night. That's huge for me. I don't believe I owe anyone any part of who I am. I believe I deserve better than second best from anyone. Once, I would have accepted friendship and love that was half-assed or inattentive, thankful for anything anyone gave me. Not anymore. And I've stopped making apologies for who I am and what I love. No one gets to determine what's worthy of me but me.

Most of all, I know I'm capable of love and compassion. For most people, that wouldn't seem like much of an accomplishment, but because of who I am, I know that's huge. I've faced the darkest parts of who I am and I know, in my soul, that part of me is very cold, very calculating. I know there's a detached, angry woman who lives inside me and I have to take her and use her to be stronger. I am better than the manipulation I am capable of. I am more than the motivations of my fear and anger. I have learned, finally, as a result of my former self-loathing, how to spot it in others, how to see the needs of the people around me; and I am able, now, to hurt and feel for people in a way I never was capable and really never wanted to. I'm not afraid to give myself away anymore, and I am capable of accepting love and compassion for others without the fear that I am pitied or thought less of.

I fight myself for control all the time. I know that. I push myself hard, maybe more than most people. But after all this time, after all I've been through, don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to give myself, to demand from myself, only the very best? I don't want to let myself down. I want to be proud of my accomplishments. I want to be remarkable, because I am capable of it. I don't like failure but I can accept it- the only thing I cannot accept is that one day I will look back and see I didn't give myself every possible opportunity to be the most whole and happy person I can be because I didn't try hard enough. There's so much to this world. I want to see it all, I want to feel it all. I want to know everything there is to know. I won't get there by taking it easy.

After all this, though, I see that I am capable of forgiveness too. Because I inherently think if she thinks that, it could be true, right? I need to fix myself, right? But I know me, better than anyone else. I can forgive myself for the strain I feel. I can forgive her for hurting me by saying that, because it did hurt. But after all this time, I know, just the way you do...I'm much more. I've come so very far, and its not something that she can see, because she doesn't know that me yet. She hasn't seen me in that light. That, on its own, means I have to let that comment go and forgive. It does, though, give me a chance to see and reflect on my own progress and abilities and be thankful for what it is I've become.

I'm never going to be perfect, but I'll never stop trying. I don't think knowing I'll fail makes me foolish in pursuing that which is futile. I feel braver, stronger, knowing that I'm going to give myself the chance to be more than I ever thought I could be just a decade ago.

I'm worth that.

I love you. I'm glad you came by to listen. You're always welcome here.
AGxx

Faithful Friends Who Are Dear To Us Gather Near To Us Once More

Its December and time to look back on the year and see how I've done and what's happened to me. I'll confess, I hadn't even thought about it until I signed on to Facebook this morning and it was offering me the album of my Top 20 Moments of 2012. Most of them weren't really top moments. So I thought I would tote up all the things that happened to me and go through them. It was an interesting job down recent memory lane.

In January I started working on a lesbian romance novel. It ended up crashing and burning later, but it was a good start to me writing more than I had before. It was also a decent idea, which I will probably use some time in the near future. For the first time in years I got seriously ill with some sort of virus, an indicator that my body has finally stopped holding up on its contract to not get sick and just punish me with migraines. Kitten and I had our birthdays and nothing too epic happened when I turned a year older. I finally blocked my ex BBD on Facebook because he started up with his stalker like tirades again. I also threatened him with an Ex Parte, he hasn't shown his face since.

In February I saw the Memphis ballet, and was moved to tears. Kitten began contemplating the out of town internship over the summer, which she thankfully ended up not taking. We had Thanksgiving in February with our friends, the first in a long line of weird themed dinner parties over the year. I discovered the Warriors series by Erin Hunter and found out there's nothing like a book about feral cats to make you cry.

In March I started gardening for the season, most notably planting more roses and plotting out a garden for veggies and herbs in the back. I reorganized the books in my library, sort of. We went to Kansas City, MO to see Katie Herzig live and despite the fact that I had a headache, had a great time. I actually met her after the show and we got pics. Sakura and I began contemplating a formal coven structure as a result of friction within the coven. Kitten was hired to work temp at Casa Bueno and Oscelot was rehired.  Oscelot celebrated her birthday.

In April I had a period so bad I was hospitalized. Turns out I had a torn cyst. Shorty had her 21st and we had a great time out with her. Not much else happened.

In May I attended my first family gathering in years because my cousin Mustang had graduated high school. I began to feel really old about it. Beltane we washed in the may dew and had a good time. The coven began changes that would eventually become a more formal structure. Ties of friendship were renewed among some of my closer friends. I learned I am a planning sort of person. I also had the first of two fights this year that resulted in me losing a friend and me discovering that I can take the higher ground when I want to. Even if I don't want to.

In June I had my wisdom teeth out. I discovered the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on YouTube and became obsessed. We got a new car, and by new I mean a 1982 Honda we call Vannessa. We wrote the coven bylaws, I met Felix, started seeing Auras on purpose and not accident. I memorized the Charge of the Goddess. I also met Sakura's mom after we sort-of formalized that agreement we'd made to move to the Rose City together soon. It became unbearably hot. We started conserving water for the gardens.

July saw us all over town. Flyguy and I had a fun time trashing a dress. We went to see James Taylor in concert and it was awesome. We went with Kitten's mom to Tulsa for a couple of days to explore art museums and learn about George Washington. I saw his teeth. No, they weren't made of wood. I had the second of my fights that lost me a friend. This particular one really hurt, but then, that sort of thing does. It got even more hot than it had been. Temps in the 100+ all the time.

August I bought a bicycle but didn't ride it much because of the heat. We threw a huge pirate themed party for Spice's birthday and had Christmas in August as well. I really, truly went to town on the bookshelves but only made it to M because I ran out of shelf space. It finally rained, finally. I went to the fair with my friends and had a blast. I hadn't been in a few years, and it was a wonderful time. I discovered we had skunk kittens hiding under our shed and that they were making friends with the cats on our porch. I put down Starkit, bless his soul, after he got hit by a car. I cried over him. He was adorable.

In September I quit my job and became a housewife. Best decision I ever made. I started working on my first romance piece for publication. I started working on costumes for our trip to the KC Renaissance Fair. I bonded with a couple of my cousins over hard times. I realized not all the crap I've been through has been for naught.

In October we went to the Ren Fair and had a great time. I came up with a brilliant novel idea. I made my first made from scratch cake and discovered I can bake so long as its complicated. We had a wonderful Samhain ritual at Kitten's moms and I felt really connected to my family. I discovered, at the same time, that I am allergic to pumpkins. I began quilting.

Last month I lost myself in the elections and in NaNoWriMo. I bonded with my wonderful beta reader KittyMammas and realized I am lucky to have access to so  many wonderful writers and a great community. I spent my first election night up all night since I turned 18 and discovered I have an awesome family who's willing to drag the couch into the library and watch live election streaming with me until 1am. I have spent a lot of time bonding with Kitten's mom, which has been great. I also spent Thanksgiving with my mom and grandma for the first time in years.

That brings us to now. Last week I got back on the submissions train and am beginning new work as a writer. I also went to see White Christmas on the big screen with friends and felt completely unashamed at my tears for the first time ever. It was awesome. Who knows how the rest of this month will turn out.

I'll say this- it has been both an awesome and really difficult year. I want to thank all the people who have supported me through all of this crazy. You've helped me grow in ways you'll never imagine. A special thanks to Sakura, Aravis, Swiss, Shorty and Felix for making this year unforgettable and bearable. You are wonderful people.

Watch it Spin Around Into A Beautiful Oblivion

 Having had a lackluster Monday evening, despite all my efforts at making it otherwise, I was more than ready to head off to the fair yesterday. Nothing gets you over a serious case of the blahs like a good time with your friends, and my- did i have a good time!

When all was said and done there were seven of us that ended up going to the fair- Kitten, Oscelot, Sakura, myself, Shorty, Cookie (a coworker at Casa Bueno I've been dying to get to know better) and Flyguy, who met us up as soon as he got off of work.

The weather was perfect. I can't even imagine a better day to go. It was overcast, which was great after all of the days of relentless sunshine we've had. The weather was cooler too, which is an absolute necessity if you want to enjoy yourself. There's nothing worse that eating so much you feel sick when you already feel sick because of the heat. And rides? Much nicer when the ride seat doesn't scorch your leg when you sit down. We couldn't have
made a better day, honestly. And that's saying something, because in theory, we could have tried.

Everyone met up at our place so we could carpool. I was delighted when Cookie showed up bearing cookies for us. (Yep, that's how she's getting this name. How awesome is it, what a delightful, old fashioned, wonderful thing to do, to bring a gift to someone the first time you visit their home? I thought that tradition had passed her generation by completely. I was wrong.) We all sat and munched and chatted up everyone's recent personal life updates and had a grand time until it was time to leave.

Cookie and I ended up in Sakura's little toaster looking car, while Shorty headed off to ride with my ladies. We beat them to the fair, and had a few moments to let Cookie orient herself while we waited for them to meet us at the A&W. It was her first fair experience, and I was having a blast watching her take it all in.

In case you're curious, the photo, in order from left to right, is Cookie, Shorty, Me and Oscelot. Sakura took it, which is why he wasn't in it, and Kitten was off getting a Tater Twister, which is why she isn't in it. It was during our massive gorge break. We had giant turkey legs, cheese sticks, tornado taters, a caramel apple, hand dipped bubblegum ice cream and a couple sodas. Granted, we ate other stuff too...but that was our big sit down and eat break. We also split some nachos, root beer, three foot long corn dogs, some handmade lemonade and a bag of kettle corn.

I won't give you a blow by blow but the highlights, for me, were as follows:

While I was getting my caramel apple a group of very pretty women stopped me to ask about my tattoos. While we were chatting middle east culture, one of them whipped out a quart of hand picked blueberries. I demanded to know where she got them, because I love fresh fruit and I hadn't seen them. She said the stand was about to close (it was 9) but she insisted I take some, and so I let her hook me up with a handful of beautifully tart blueberries. They were really sweet. I was so surprised. Sometimes strangers can do nice things, eh? I wasn't so nice, I crammed the whole fistful in my mouth before I remembered my friends might want some too. oops.

Kitten and Sakura aren't really ride people, so after we got our ride armbands they went to bond in the E-plex, where all the exhibits were. I was glad for that, I like them spending time together. Me and the girls hit the midway and rode rides until we were giggling and dizzy. There was a huge slide you could race down in potato sack type things we did and it was awesome. (135 stairs, folks, it was tall) We rode the Himalaya, which is a set of cars that swing in a circle and speed up over time, dashing through paintings of the snow covered mountains. Its like a big kid's merry go round. I love it, its one of my favorite.

We waited in line to ride this giant swing looking thing that spun you around while you were swinging, called the Warrior and the kid on the ride before us puked. Cookie and I were fortunate enough to get the recently water washed puke seats. While we were riding, the swing shifted and made a loud mechanical noise. The girl in the seat behind us laughed and shouted "Oh, the sounds of safety" and we cracked up.

We went to look at the livestock and had an excellent time oogling mini-donkeys. We headed into the big barn and got to look at beef and milking cows, goats, horses and sheep. There was an exhibit where you could watch chickens hatch from the eggs. It was awesome. Cookie seemed to really like that, and she stayed long enough that a couple of teenagers asked if they were her chickens. She laughed and said to us, "Do I look like I own a bunch of chickens?" I made friends with a goat named Zeus, who I got at eye level with near his pen and he leaned out and licked my nose all over. Goat kisses are awesome. We also got to dodge all of the antique tractors as they shot out of the barn to take their places in the evening parade.

We took time out to wander the E-plex after eating and I loved looking at the quilts. I was totally foot in mouth when I told one of the ladies at the quilt stands that I loved the hand sewn quilts, because I think it takes more talent. I mentioned I liked a Civil War era second day dress down the aisle, but i would like it more if it were hand sewn. She coolly informed me it was. I was aghast. The seams were perfect! Turns out the woman who made it is a friend of hers and designs patterns for Butterick and McCalls. That explained a lot.

We went and ran to the karaoke stand and Oscelot and I sang a song each. It was fun, because there were total strangers everywhere, and I like preforming for strangers because there's less to be nervous about. I think I did okay. Oscelot, as usual, blew me out of the water. When I got down, everyone was munching funnel cake and deep fried snickers bars and Flyguy had arrived. We tromped off to get him an arm band for rides, because I wasn't going to have him only riding two because he didn't want to waste money. Oscelot and Kitten paid for his band.

We took back to the midway and did the giant slide again, the huge swings, the twisty swing, and of course the Himalaya. I watched while he and Cookie and Shorty rode the giant swinging pirate ship and giggled listening to all of them scream.

We paid for a round of water pistol game for everyone, and I won a giant pink stuffed snake. Its longer than I am. It was great fun to watch Kitten wrap it around her. For anyone who's seen any of my photos on FB or at home, they'll know why I didn't pick a bear or a puppy...Kitten and I have had a stuffed snake photo gag on all of our trips since we started dating. Now we have one of our own.

I about died laughing here too, because the guy running the target game was a mouth piece. The object of the game is to sit at your post, and when the bell goes off shoot water at a target. As you do, it blows up a balloon. When the first balloon pops, the game is over. The popped balloon person wins. How many people play determines the size of your prize. When we paid for everyone, it made sure that we'd get whichever one we wanted. I told the guy I wanted the giant pink snake as I sat down. He looked all of us over, Three lesbians, Shorty, Cookie and Sakura, and looked at Sakura and said, conspiratorially, " I think the girls have this one, sir, if you'll forgive me, I'll bet they're better at aiming for the hole..." and he winked. The joke, of course, being that most of the women were recognizably lesbians and Sakura is obviously gay. We all got a huge kick out of it. When I won (I never win!!!) he laughed and told me i must have really wanted that snake.

We also went to ride the one ride which looks like a ferris wheel tipped on its side, but the cars hand from it like clothes on a line. When you get it, it spins, and the cars tilt sideways. The ferris wheel part then moves up, so it looks like an actual ferris wheel and you're going almost upside down at one point. The girls had mentioned wanting to ride it earlier, and I was game, even though the look of the ride terrified me. I ended up in a car with Shorty, who reassured me it wasn't that bad, she had ridden it several times the year before. She got in the back, and told me to lean against her, since I'd end up pressed against her anyway. I was a little nervous, because Flyguy said that this ride had made him throw up the year before. I normally can hold it in. I've never not made it to a trash can or the grass, but I look at Flyguy as one of the manliest, toughest people I know. If it did him in, what would it do to me? I shouldn't have worried. Shorty was a comfort to me, and honestly, I felt very safe next to her, which I suppose is a comment on how much I like and trust her, because normally I would require Kitten and Oscelot to feel that safe. Both of them were sitting the ride out. It was an excellent ride, and I laughed nearly the whole time.

I'll tell you though, despite all the rides and the food, which were awesome like always...this was the best fair experience I've ever had. And it had nothing to do with those things, or the perfect weather, the low crowds or the freedom I felt to do anything I liked. It was my friends.

There's something really special about bonding with people you love at the fair. i got to know Cookie better, and I found that she's as honestly sweet as she seems. She fun and adventurous. She makes me laugh, which is hard to do...although less hard with the group we were in. I didn't mind the close quarters or the squishing on the rides I rode with her. And while I have no bubble with the people I love, I have a huge bubble with people I don't know well. I am, apparently, going to love Cookie the way I love all my good friends.

I loved watching Shorty and Oscelot (both the same very short height) lean their heads in and giggle over something. I loved watching Sakura and Kitten take videos of us and laugh at the faces we were making. There's something great in watching your friends with their heads tilted back, smiles so wide they are almost grimaces, laughing full throat with absolute joy at nothing at all. I loved the silliness and the randomness of our little group. I loved being able to share everything with everyone. I loved that we were unafraid to dance or shake or be silly to the incredibly loud rock music plays on all of the rides. I loved the pure, unadulterated happiness of all of my friends. I loved being able to snug up against my friends on all of those rides and whomever it was, know I was as safe, happy and joyful as I would ever be.  I was exhilarated as we each threw our hands in the air and let ourselves be thrown one way then another, because we didn't care so long as we were all together and laughing.

Call me morbid, but if there were some sort of accident, if something did happen...I couldn't have gone a better way last night- my good friends around me, happy, full of life and not wanting for a single thing. Yeah- the fair is wild, a little dangerous, and sometimes creepy- but there's a safety in the joy and fullness of being with those you love that sort of cancels all of that out.

At eleven thirty, half an hour before the midway was supposed to close, there was a brilliant streak of lightning across the sky. Almost immediately, the lights on all the rides went off and the park went quiet. The sky opened up and the rain came pouring down over all of us- finishing us off at last as a group of stinking, hot, sticky people who very desperately needed someone to tell us to stop. I would have gone all night had they let me. But nature knew, just that moment, when we were done, and so we hugged Flyguy goodbye (he was in a different parking lot)  and the six of us trooped to our cars in the rain, heads back, laughing and smiling that were finally getting rain at last. It was if, in that moment, the drought that has had sway over our area of the country, stressing and frying all of us, couldn't hold sway over the fullness of what we were when we are together. It, too, had to give in to our joy.

We didn't run, we didn't walk briskly, we only laughed our way out. We groaned, as we reached our cars, because it almost stopped for a moment. One of us ask d if that was it, and as if in response, the rain came back, harder than before, and we ducked shrieking and laughing into our cars.

On the drive home I smoked my first cigarette in almost six hours and the world spun quietly around me. After goodbyes were said, the cats were fed and I had shed my soaking wet jean shorts, I crawled under the blankets and closed my eyes.

This, I thought, is what bliss is.

AGxx

Time of Day I Can't Recall

This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.

I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.

Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.

This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.

The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?

Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?

On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights.  Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.

When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.

I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)

Things I need to remember:

I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.

Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.  

I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.

AGxx

Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.

I'll Be Waiting, Time After Time

This week was a big week in news for me, as regards my dear friend Perpet. Most of you have been here long enough to know she is one of the very best friends I have ever had, if not the very best friend I ever had. She's a wonderful, caring person- not to mention a kick ass writer and a huge inspiration to me. This week was her and The Boy's four year wedding anniversary. I also found out this week that she's graduating, and she will have her master's by the end of this month. I couldn't be more proud. Seriously. Even if I had done it myself. I've never known someone who works as hard or is as brilliant as she is.

Over the last (good lord, has it been this long?) eight years, Perpet has been a great friend. We hit it off right away...she and I always had a natural rapport that has become much more than that over the years. I've seen her grow and change and become a very successful, determined woman. She was already, but man- it amazes me how much a person can apply themselves. I learned that from her. She's been there for me through a bad breakup, a terrible relationship, and I will never be more proud of who I chose to stand by me at my handfasting. She is, beyond a doubt, one of the few people I trust not only with my life, but my spirit as well. I know she is a person who can see things clearly, and who will shoot strait with me, even when she knows I don't want to hear what she has to say. Even if she is right. And she always is...

All this thinking about her has prompted me to think about friendship in general, because when you get to thinking about your best friend, you naturally think about the things that make them the person who is most close to you. I'll tell you something, I've been doing some evaluating, and I've come to the conclusion I am a damn lucky woman because I have several very, very good friends. They have taught me so much about what kind of person I am, and by watching them live, what kind of person I want to be. That's not to say I want to be just like my friends, I want to be just like me- but they do give me perspective when I need it most.

Some of the things I've learned, and been pondering over the last week:

A good friend will always love you, even when you're ugly. It doesn't matter what you're going through or where you are in your life. A good friend will stick it out with you. Perpet has done more than her fair share of this. While I'm dropping names, I might mention Flyguy and Sakura too. None of them are afraid to see me at my worst. If I had a dollar for every time one of the three of them was holding me while I was sick, or in the hospital or when I was a crying, shivering wreck I'd have a lot less bills to pay. A friend isn't afraid to see you sick, or hurting or angry. They aren't afraid to look at you when  there's nothing attractive about your appearance or your personality. I'm fortunate, because over the last few years, there have been a lot of times when I was an ugly person- I let my anger get in the way, or I let myself be sick because I didn't have the energy to be anything else. I let my fears take me over. And my friends, my very dear friends, were there the whole time, holding my hand and telling me I could get through this and of course I was beautiful to them, even if I was pale, shaky and covered in puke.

A good friend will call you on your bullshit. When you're wrecking your life they are there to tell you. Even when you don't want to listen. Even when it hurts. They love you enough to tell you. Are you mad at someone for no good reason? They'll tell you. Are you being selfish and shallow? Guess what? You're going to hear about it. Are you getting ready to make a decision that will mess your life up for a good deal of time to come? They aren't going to let you do it without telling you first that they would hate to see you do it. I'm grateful for all the times I've had someone to say "Alecya, you're being a dumbass, seriously." Most of the time they can bring me around. And when they haven't, I'm lucky they stuck it out and helped me through a mess I made all by my lonesome.

A good friend has your back, all the time. You can trust them. I can count on my hand the number of people I am not dating that I would trust with my life. Those are the people who matter most. Well, I take that back. Present company included (That's you Aravis, Mark and Swiss) I can count them on one hand. I'd say I have a few people who read this blog who would take a hit for me. Lord knows they've been there offering support and comfort when I needed it, even if they were thousands of miles away. Point is, these are the people I know I can tell my secrets to. The ones who will listen without judging me, the ones who will hold their peace and let me know that whatever it is I've got buried inside of me, they're going to help me carry that burden. When the shit hits the fan, these are the people who are going to be there, heavy object in hand, wanting to know whose ass they are going to kick first. I love them for it. These are the people I know who will help me out of a jam, loan me $10 if I need it, offer a hand when I feel like I've fallen so far I can't been seen by the world anymore. These are the people you can trust to never abandon you, no matter how bad its gotten, who only ask "what is it you need me to do?" And you know, the moment that they ask, that they'll do whatever it takes to make things right for you.

More than those things though, a good friend will make you laugh, make you smile. That's something that I think we sell short on the list of friend qualities because we take it for granted too often. The people I love most can make me smile just by seeing them. They do little things to make my day better. For example, Sakura dropped by work yesterday to see me, just because he knew it would make my day better. I love that about him. When I think I can't take another minute...he's there to bring a little sunshine into my life. I love that when I call my friends, or when I talk to them, they get to hear that full throated bark that is my excuse for a laugh, because they bring out the best in me. They make me happy, just by being near me. They're the people who always know what to say to make me smile. The people I share inside jokes with. The ones who understand my sense of humor and appreciate it. That counts for so much. When I've had a long day, or even a good one, its nice to know they are there at the end of it, ready to share, looking forward to relaxing and being there for each other, even in the good times.

And I want to say this, because this is important- the people who love me, the ones I love...they share my joy with me. There's never any jealousy about our lives. When something great happens (like Sakura getting a fabulous new job -congrats- or a pretty girl giving Flyguy her number) we're there to share that. I'm not bitter, I'm delighted, and nothing makes me happier than to settle down at my kitchen table, laugh and share a glass of tea and celebrate the wonderful things that happen to us. Because being a good friend is more than being there when the times get tough. Its about being there period.

My friends have taught me to celebrate every moment of my life. They've taught me to live every second to its fullest. Its a beautiful thing. I'm lucky to have people in my life that want me to grow and get better, who cheer on my successes and who dance with me for no good reason at all. In the Craft we have a phrase "Perfect Love and Perfect Trust". That's how I feel about my friends. It doesn't mean you never let each other down, because you're human and you're bound to screw up. And it doesn't mean you have to be okay with everything a person does. What it does mean is that you come from a place of love whenever you are with a person, that you love them in spite of their faults, unconditionally. And when a person does hurt you, you trust that you can work it out, and that you (or they) will make sure that never happens again, as much as you can. You trust that they have the intention of being good and loving you too. In Wicca, you cannot make magick in a circle without perfect love and perfect trust. You aren't even allowed into a circle without being in that state. I think true friendship works the same way, and that's why a good friendship feels magical.

To all my friends that I know read here, thank you. I am blessed to have you in my life. I am fortunate to have your love and trust, and I hope that I will always honor that. For all the things you have taught me, I hope at some point I have brought you clarity and insight too. I hope that I will always be the one you think of turning to when things start to suck, because Goddess knows I look to you when my world starts to spin a little too fast for my tastes. And to Perpet, my dear, darling friend, i know you're reading. I could say this in private, but I am-you know- completely unashamed of the wonderful friendship we have; you are a wonderful woman. I love you. Thank you for all the support and goodness you have shown me over the years. You are a blessing to my life. And I am more proud of you than you will ever know, because the joy and happiness you bring to my life is something that can never be properly expressed.

AGxx

You Don't Have To Ask Because You Know How I Feel

So, I know I've been radio silent for most of the month. There's a reason for that, I swear. The big one is, I've been sick. I mean, not like, I have the flu or anything, but my body has definately taken the opportunity to remind me that it still can malfunction on a relatively reliable basis- usually just as I have decided I'm doing pretty well.

I'd like to say that, up until two weeks ago, things were going along pretty well. I'd been meditating more, taking time to journal. I was reading a lot, and I was making a lot of progress personally. For me, it felt really good. I was getting out of bed feeling more motivated, I was more positive throughout the day, life was pretty good. And then nature decided she wanted to remind me how much fun it is to be a woman.

Now, if you're not into oversharing, what I'm about to talk about is probably not going to be up your alley. I apologize. I truly do.

My period this month nearly killed me. In fact, there was one point where I was rather wishing it would, because I wanted it all to be over. I'm no stranger to hevy flow. I'm one of those women that curses other girls who complain about their three day period because frankly, I don't care how bad you think it is, most of mine last ten days and my flow is usually heavy enough I require more than one box of feminine supplies. Its not my favorite time.

Oh, yes. I embrance my womanhood. I celebrate that my body is beautiful and in transition. I love that I'm a more powerful witch when I'm experiencing Blood on the Moon. Hooray. But seriously, I don't think that negates my very firm idea that I'd rather not than have one. This month, this was more true than normal.

I started on a Friday. I went to work, I made the best of things. I was uncomfortable, but that's part of it. I have learned to live with it. I didn't have too terrible a first day headache, so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. Then I woke up Saturday morning and things got worse. I was tired and shaky. I was bleeding really, really hard. More than usual. It was unnerving. I know I have to look after my blood sugar when I'm cycling so I picked up some steak for breakfast. I got some berries to make sure I had some nice, natural sugars in my system. I brought my herbal tea blend that helps with the cramps and the flow to work with me. Work was hell. By the time it was all over, I was tired and nauseous and my head hurt pretty bad.

Then the cramps started. I don't usually have them. If its a particularly bad month I might a little, and I'll curl up on the couch with a hot pad and sip tea and try not to be too much of a whiner. But its not normally like this. I went to bed early, but couldn't sleep. The bleeding and the cramps got worse. Then then more painful than that. By three or four in the morning, I was in the bathroom weeping when I wasn't throwing up from the pain. Not my best night.

By four thirty I was begging Kitten to take me to the hospital. The bleeding was as bad, if not worse, than it had been, the pain from the cramps, the vomiting and the now full-blown migraine that I had come with this particular cycle were totally unbearable. I really, truly wished I was dead. (I'd liek to point out,too, because I'm sure you've noticed I made no mention of painkillers...I can't take over the counter pain meds. I'm allergic to NSAIDs so Tylenol in 100 mg doses is all I can have. Not Midol, no Aspirin, nothing)

When we got to the hospital they immediately gave me something to stop the vomiting. I passed out in the waiting room, because lets face it even when the hospital is empty, you're required to sit out there for at least an hour. I think they try to see if you're really sick or something, assuming that if you aren't bleeding or actively dying that you might just be a sissy. I'm not sure. But when the girl asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I told her I was somewhere between and 8.5 and 9. Totally true, too. I look back and try to think of a time when I was in moer pain, and I come up short.

When I finalyl got a room, I didn't even see a doctor or nurse before they sent in a phlobotomist to draw bood. I very weakly told the poor guy he was wasting his time if he was giving me a pregnancy test. He looked at Kitten and apologized to me. Then he showed me all five vials they gave him, so I assume they weren't just checking to make sure I wasn't pregnant or having a miscarriage. (I found out later they were also testing me for every STD known to man, which I could have also told them I didn't have, seeing as how I was tested recently, and you know, only have two sex partners, both of whom are clean.) I will say this, my guy got a good stick on me, it didn't hurt the way they normally do, and he was incredibly good looking and smelled like chocolate and Easter grass. I rather liked him. I told Kitten I wanted to request him next time I had to get blood work. It almost made me forgive him for taking all that blood, when in my mind, I clearly didn't have much to lose.

The nurse came, hooked me up to a bunch of machines, gave me an IV, hung some fluid on me, and asked me a ton of questions. Then the doctor. She asked a bunch of the same questions, and honestly, I rather got tired of telling them I was an 8 on a ten scale for pain. Like it was changing or something.

Turns out, I have low blood pressure. Looking into that, seems like a good reason I'm tired all the effing time, and why I get sleepy or fatigued after long period of standing or short periods of light exercise. It explains a lot, actually. It also explains why they wouldn't give me morphine. I say this without complaint. Honestly, it frightens me how they hand that shit out like candy in the ER, so I wasn't bitter. Whatever they did to keep the pain from killing me, that was fine. I didn't care how they did it.

I ended up with a drug called Fentynol (I think I spelled that right) which is like morphine, but won't lower my blood pressure. They gave me a lot of it. They also gave me benadryl (I'm not sure why. I think they explained it but I don't remember it) and a couple of anti-nausea medications. Hoenstly, there were like, seven or eight vials of medicine that went into my IV tube, so I can't remember a whole hell of a lot except the painful parts. And there were more after the painkillers, which is frightening.

I had to have a vaginal ultrasound. I'm going to say this as lovingly as I can. My tech was a fucking deamon. I mean it. I was so drugged I couldn't hold my head up, and that woman still managed to hurt me with that wand. I mean, big time. I almost cried. And I am NOT a cryer. Here I am, propped up on what I dubbed the cheeze wedge of doom, and she manages to make me feel bad about myself while I am laying there, bleeding all over myself, whimpering in pain because apparently the word "gentle" is not in her vocabulary. No, don't mind me mam. I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you. I know I'm not a glowing expectant mother, so go ahead and make me feel like shit. She probably assumed I was miscarrying, or I had an abortion or something. She was pretty rough.

Kitten was pissed because when it was all over, the woman asked why I thought I needed Kitten's help int he bathroom to clean up. Well, I can't even stand upright, you just maimed me, I'm in so much pain the drugs are wearing off, and I'm covered in blood from navel to knee. Maybe, just maybe, I need assisatnce. Oh, she was mean. And Kitten had to ask for a clean gown for me, even though it looked like I had slaughtered a goat in my lap; because of course, through all of this hospital experience, I was not allowed to wear even a pad to protect myself from my blleding. Gross.

After my ultrasoundI was also treated to a pelvic exam, which, you know, I wasn't too afraid of. I should ahve been. Apparently, I've been spoiled with doctors who warm their hands in water, warm the tools, use plenty of lubrication and treat me gently. You know, being a lesbian and all, my doctors usually wont open those stupid tong looking things to the widest setting because IT HURTS ME. Not like I'm getting a whole lot of large object down there, in fact, the stupid ultrasound wand was pretty painful for me because of its size. No, no, no, not this ER doc. She was very, uh, cold. And efficient, and not concerned about my pain. At all.

I never thought I'd say this, but I should have requested male doctors. They're way more gentle because they have to be.

After all this nonsense, a UA and a cup of juice, and a grand total of nearly 11 hours in the ER and here's what I discovered: I have bad periods. My periods are escalated by the fact that I have cycts on my left ovaary. One of them might have torn, which may or may not have caused my increased pain and bleeding. This is apparently totally normal. If I go to my regular doctor, she can put me on birth control so the cysts will reduec in size. They packed me off with a prescription for Trammadol (which is awesome for killing pain, but highly addictive. I've only had three since I left because I'm trying to be a tough bitch) and a note to tell my work I was in the ER and not to fire me.

Crap.

The worst part? I still bled for ten days. I thoguht I had stopped at day 6, which I was delighted about, at least some bonus for having to deal with all that. Nope...two days later I started all over again. Bitter.

I will say this, I was really aware of how loved I am. Kitten took a day off work to be with me in the hospital. I got messages on my phone and facebook from friends and coworkers, who had (it turns out) hounded Kitten and Oscleot for updates on my condition for the entire time I was in the hospital and even a couple of days afterwards. Hedgewitch had what she calls faithful dog syndrome, and came up to the ER to sit with me while I was waiting to get my tests done, though to be frank, I remember she sounded like she had a cold, she was wearing blue scrubs and I think she held my hand for a while, but I was so out of it, I don't remember much more. I even got a kiss on the forehead from Flyguy at work, who was sweet enough to tell me he was really worried about me in a rather reproachful tone that indicated maybe I shouldn't scare him like that again. He came to sit with me Monday night too, and made me go to bed when my meds kicked in. It was nice of him.

I'll say this. I don't want to go on birth control. I hate what it does to your body. I don't want my hormones messed with. I don't want to pay for it, and honestly, I think its stupid because one of the beauties of being a lesbian is I dont have to take that shit because I can't get pregnant. Sigh. Then again, I really, really don't want to go through that again.

I've spent the last two weeks recovering, because I'm still really tired. Hell, nine of those days I was still on my period. I've been dealing with the side effects of the meds they gave me, which mostly involve me needing a lot more fiber, because they block you up something fierce,which - suprise- causes cramps!

Anyway, I'm almost back on task. I'm ready for Beltane, which is next week. I'm preparing a ritual for Litha with Sakura now. I've gotten back to journaling and meditating, although my meditating is no-space meditating. No visions for me, just quiet and white light, so I can focus on healing myself.

I know is no excuse, but at least now you know why I've been so quiet. Sitting at the computer was a challege, so now that I'm mobile, and useful again, I might have soemthing new and interesting to tell you. Maybe. Or, at least, somethign that doesn't have to do with ym malfunctioning girl parts.

Take care, y'all
AGxx

I Walk This Empty Street

I've really let the blogging get away from me this month. Part of it is I've had so much going on I haven't really had time to sit down and write. Part of it is i just haven't had much to say. I do have a few interesting tidbits though, so I thought I would share them.

We went out on Tuesday for Shorty's 21st birthday. It was the week before, but we all had to coordinate schedules, so Tuesday it was. We had a really nice time. The day before Shorty and I had a girl's day and went shopping for her birthday outfit. She chose a black and white dress and a pair of coral heels that made her as tall as me. She looked adorable. I chose a black and white skirt and top set, so the whole group ended up going out in black and white as a fun way to theme ourselves. The girls even got together before the party and did our makeup together. I've never really done that with a bunch of girlfriends. It was a lot of fun. Also, shorty has a TON of makeup. Seriously. It was awesome.

I remember at one point we were sitting in the tapas bar we had selected for our initial destination and we were all laughing and talking. I looked around the table and for a moment it seemed like something out of a movie. All the people were different, but conversation flowed beautifully. We were laughing and having a good time. We were all in bvalance with each other. It was so nice. I realized I have a great group of friends. I'm pretty damn lucky.

We ended up migrating to a fondue bar, which kinda sucked, and rounded out the night at a karaoke bar. Kitten, Oscelot and I sang. It was the first time that most of the group had heard us sing. I was really nervous, though I didn't have a reason to be. Even if I sucked, they would never judge me. I think I sang okay. I did have a good time though.

This month I also read the first two books in the Hunger Games series. Finally. I really like them. I think they're well written. Not as gory as I expected, but still appropriately bloody. I liked the characters. I liked the writing style. I'm glad aI read them.

Kitten goes to do her final nail down of the internship stuff tomorrow. I'm excited for her. I know she'll be great. I can't wait to see her come home flushed and happy with her own success. I am so proud of her. As the time approaches for her to leave, I know I'll be anxious. I've been clingier than usual. I want to be near her all the time. I realize more and more each day how very much I love her. She's such a special lady. I'm luckyto have her.

That's the short version of this month so far. I'll try to get back and actually talk sometime soon. Now that I'm at the keyboard, I have a lot on my mind.

AGxx

I Think I'm Moving But I'm Going Nowhere

I was rereading one of the posts I wrote a while ago. You know, the one where I told you all about my vacation when I was little girl to St. Louis? I was really suprised to see that on the list of blogs that was read the most often. I suppose those little snippets are the things that make me who I am, aren't they?

Other things I think you might be interested to know...

I want to learn how to surf. I'm a good swimmer, and a pretty good body surfer. I think I could surf without a lot of trouble. I found out from someone the other day that its pretty odd that I'm a strong swimmer when i'm in free flowing water, because I always wear shoes, like tennis shoes, when I swim. I like to protect my feet. If I'm not in a pool, the shoes go on...anyway, I think I could do it. You know, there's a program in Disney World where they teach you to surf in that giant pool at their water park. Perfect waves every time. If I could figure it out there, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out other places.

I've never been water skiing. I don't know how. In fact, I've never been on a pair of skis period. I think I'd like snow skiing better, even though I don't care for the cold (you know that, don't you? I have blankets everywhere in the house...proof enough. I'm wearing one right now. Its red plaid and lined with lambs wool). something about the prospect of falling off the skis and breaking every bone in my face deters me from water skiing, though we have lakes enough around here I could learn. I have no upper body strength. You know that. I think I could ski on snow, though. That seems more like a leg strength thing. I could do that. My legs are strong.

I'm going to go camping this summer, and take Oscelot on her first float trip. I love to float, although I don't hold with the whole fishing while you float thing. I remember my ex used to do that and it drove me crazy.

I hae a strange compulsion to match my underwear and bras. This is a recent thing. I didn't do it before I started seeing Kitten. Now its almost an obsession. Did you know that she was the one who got me hooked on Victoria's Secret? Now I won't wear anything else. That's what I got for my birthday, new bras and some underwear. I got black and white bras...so I could finally match them to most of the stuff I own. Now I want a whole lot more white underwear because i like how light and friendly it looks when I wear it.

I actually keep photos of myself on my phone. Its like a self esteem boost. Some days, when i feel completely ugly, i'll get them out and have a look at them and remember there are times when i can be, even in my own mind, an incredibly sexy woman. I like that feeling, like there's still some sort of mystery to me that even I haven't figured out. It seems like its something someone else will have to find, and the process of discovery makes me feel more real.

Do you ever think of things that you can't recall why you remember them? Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night and think of these things and I can't escape them and they drive me crazy. Its always something odd, too. I'll remember riding the electric train at the mall that closed down in town when I was a little girl, or I'll think of when I was singing on our honeymoon and how I could have done better, and I run it through my head until I want to scream. Sometimes I'll think of odd things, like an outfit I had that made me feel really beutiful, or the way it feels when I'm dancing, and I'll get completely lost in that moment.

Sometimes its things that I don't want to think about, and those nights are awful for me. I toss in bed and stare at the ceiling and sing earwormy songs to myself in an attempt to chase those sights out of my head. If it doesn't work, i'll try other things, like getting a drink of water, or having a cigarette, or writing...Truth is, most the time it doesn't work and I find myself wishing I could pick up my phone and call and have the comfort of being told there's nothing wrong with me, that everyone has those moments. Everyone feels that way sometimes. But I don't know that.

Do you ever feel like the past is completely inescapable, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever lay in bed and think of how hard you have worked to be something compeltely different than what you think you are, but you feel like you're failing? Probably not, huh? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who runs forward and pushes for more and new and different things and gets them, and then still feels the past creeping up behind them like a shadow.

When I was a little girl I remember I used to play with Hedgewitch in my grandmother's yard. We'd pretend we were faries and we would call ourselves after flowers. Is it any suprise I chose Rose? Is it odd that now I have them all around my house? But you wouldn't know that, because you haven't seen it. I have a gorgeous arbor and a white picket fence now. I have roses all the way around my house and I swear I'm going to wrap them around the hedges too. I want to train them to climb all over the arbor and if I can convince Kitten, up the sides of the house. I love them so much. I want them in every color and every variety. The smell of them makes me so happy, and the feeling of their petals under my fingers in soemthing that, to me, is both comforting, and exhilirating and almost erotic all at the same time.

I remember the first time I had a ruben sandwich. I had no idea what it was. I was at a birthday party at an ice cream parlor. Maybe you remember them, they were called Shauncy's? We had one in the mall too, back when there was still a carosel, fountains and a decent arcade there too. It was awful! I remember the sharp sour taste and how it filled up my nose and how it burned my throat. i've never been fond of rubens...

I do love chineese. I remember when I was little my Grandmother would go get it from one of the local restaurants and bring it home. Its over by where Cardins used to be...although I don't suppose you would know where that's at. Its on the north side of town, far from where most of the nice restaurants are. Its still there...its a hole in the wall and I think I'm the only person who likes to eat there...of my aquaintances that it. Anyway, she would get friend wontons and she hates the meat part in the center, but I always liked them. She would tear out the centers and give them to me. To this day its still my fvorite part of the wonton, even though i'll eat the crispy part now.

All the way from childhood through high school I would wake up late at night at my grandparents and I would creep into the kitchen. I remember a lot of nights my grandpa would be up, and he always like to have ice cream at night. I'd sit and split a carton of strawberry with him. Its my favorite flavor to this day, and I have to have the kind with real strawberries in it, or its just not right. I remember after Imoved back in to my grandparents house I would do the opposite, almost. Of course, by this time, my grandpa had passed, but I was 18 or so, I suppose, just finishing my first semester in college, the first time. i would stay up late with my Gran on the nights that I stayed in, and we would sit and have cocktails together. I remember, my grandmother favors vodka or schnapps and OJ. I'm a fan of rums and whiskeys. Or I was at the time. I suppose I still am. When I go out I usually have a rum drink.

The night I ran back into Kitten I remember I drank Southern Comfort with diet and a lime twist. I was drinking miller light bottles when I was having beer. I suppose my tastes have changed a bit since then. Although I remember we used to go to Brick Wall Bar, which has moved since then, and we'd buy a couple buckets of beer and drink them. As little as I drink now, I wonder how we survived those nights.

We played poker the other night. We taught Shorty, Hedgewitch and Shyguy how to play follow the queen. I think its still ym favorite poker game. My luck is still terrible. You know, I've only been to a casino once, and it was for a concert? I've never gambled in a casino. Do you think I still have beginners luck? I have no idea...

There you go. That's a bunch of things you probably didn't know about me before now. At least, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned them.

After all this time, I still want to be loved for the hot mess I am. I think I deserve that. I think you could love me. If you wanted to.

AGxx

Why Do All Good Things Come To An End?

So the month is more than half over and I've had relatively few posts, eh? I'm pretty sure February is trying to eat me. Don't worry, it won't, but that doesn't mean that it isn't trying, that's for sure.

Outside of that awesome flu I had, I've had a couple of headaches that threatened to go full throttle, and that's very frustrating considering I've been working on affirming I am a healthy and happy person. Kitten has gotten ill as well, and it pains me to see her sniffling and coughing the way she does. I've done the best I can, plying her with teas and extracts and all the things I can think of to make her feel better. We'd go to a doctor, but the truth is, they'll tell her to treat the syptoms because its a virus, and what's the point in paying $50 to have them tell you somethign you already know?

Valentines Day is over, thank goddess and all I will say about it is that despite my romantic nature, I'm glad we don't celebrate it. I worked on Vday and I think I saw more unhappy families and fighting couples than I do any other time of year. Its depressing, seriously. Besides, how do you make up to someone in one day all the love you have for them if you don't do it the rest of the year. Pull a Frank Sinatra, I say "Each day is Valentine's Day" Right?

Personal tragedy seems to keep striking at the people I love. My Gran is getting a stress test done sometime in the next week or so. She has been having more problems with her heart and her blood pressure. They've got her on some new medications but it irritates me that they haven't found a way to keep her healthy. I mean, I know doctors aren't miracle workers all the time, but it seems the least that they can do is not put her on two medications that do the same thing and make her sick because they take them together.

Outside of my life, a couple of my good friends are going through a lot. I won't air their problems here, but suffice to say, I am suffering with them. One of them is going through something I've never had to deal with as a friend before, and I truly feel lost at how to comfort her. I don't know. And Iworry. And I want to be a good friend. And then I think to myself that if I hover and annoy her I'm just going to push her away and I definately don't want to do that. And if you know me at all, you know I'm great at hovering. The other person has a lot of things on his mind, and of course, I worry about that too. That's the trouble, you see, with being as attached to your friends as I get. I love them so much I feel like I can rest for worrying about how they are. I know I shouldn't complain, they've got more on their plates than I do, but it still wrankles with me. Somehow, I feel like I should be able to fix everything. I can't. I hate that.

In good news, last week we did have a great get together. Hedgewitch made a turkey and she and her husband, Shyguy, came over. Then we invited two girls from Casa Bueno- Shorty and Spice, and they joined us. Of course, it was mentioned to Flyguy too, so we had quite a party on our hands. In fact, I had to borrow a banquet table from my grandmother and we all barely fit at it. It was a good time though. After we ate we played games, which was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed having my friends in the house. It made me happy. Later, after all the girls had bounced, I stayed up late talking to Flyguy, whom I haven't seen as much of lately, and it made me really happy to have some time to sit and chat with him. He's great for a conversation and he always seems to know what to say. Sometimes I think he may think he doesn't, and that its akward, but he does have the knack for changing the subject without making me feel stupid and he knows how to comfort me without making it seem trite. There aren't a whole lot of people out there who can do that. In fact, I can count them on one hand, and I think most of them read my blog on occasion. Well, with the exception of my wife, who doesn't, which makes me thankful. Its nice to have this place to myself every now and again.

Speaking of my wife, and Flyguy...so one of my coworkers is getting married. i love her to death and she's a good person. In fact, she's one of the very few people I invited to our wedding. Anyway, the girls and I were invited to her wedding and its Memorial Day weekend. Its not terribly likely that I'll get off for it and we know the girls won't be able to go. Outside of that, its in a city about three hours away. I hate driving by myself. I mentioned to her that I didn't know if I would be able to go because of it, and also (I said laughingly) I wouldn't have a date since Kitten had to work. She looked at me in suprise and said she assumed I was going to bring Flyguy.

I almost didn't know how to respond. I think I laughed, and said yes, he does clean up well. I was suprised though. I couldn't imagine any other married person I know going to a wedding without their spouse and bringing another date instead. I would never insult Kitten that way. Mention not that an overnight trip with Flyguy out of the city with him as my date to one of our coworkers wedding would do nothing to quell the rumors that he and I are sleeping together (or that he, Kitten, Oscelot and I are sleeping together- astounding isn't it?) Anyway, it suprised me. It also kind of jives with my prior post about how I think people see my relationship sometimes. Yeah...it was odd.

In other news, I have started reading, at Kitten's suggestions, the Warriors series by Erin hunter. I'm completely addicted. we're all reading some part of the series nwo, and its funny to me how we've allowed the book terminology to seep into our household language. We've already determined Squirt, our cat with a bum leg, would be a medicine cat. Anyway, if you're looking for a light, easy read, its a great series, and its not lacking in books to read for a while. It has completely hikajacked my reading list. I've even suggested it to some of my customers.

Two weeks from now we're headed out of town for a concert. In case you're curious, its not Brandi Carlyle for a change. Its actually for an artist called Katie Herzig, who opened for Brandi at a concert Kitten and I saw about two years ago. We loved her and this is the first chance we've had to go and see her preform again. I'm looking forward to it. Also, we get to stop by the city Kitten's sister lives in, which is good. We didn't get to see them for Christmas, and just found out she got a job offer in Wisconsin, which is quite far away from where we live. I'll be glad to see them before they move. I feel saddened that they won't be quite as close, but then, we're planning on moving to Portland OR and that's on the coast, so I have no room to complain, do I?

I spent most of the other morning I had off watching videos on Youtube. Actually, I've been a bit of a Youtube freak lately. I'm not normall on it, but this time...well. I got hooked watching Lady Gaga videos the other morning. I love her. I don't care who laughs at me, she's talented, beautiful and her songs are damn catchy. Of course, I also took the time to watch a couple of videos by David Guetta, and artist Flyguy introduced me to and whom I like very much. I also happen to like most of the videos, although I do agree with whomever it was that said he never really serves much purpose in his videos...

I got distracted the other night thinking about ballet, and the Oscleot and I spend the entire evening planted in front of the computer watching the BBC recording of the Royal Academy Ballet's 2009 rendition of The Nutcracker. I was spellbound. Its the first time in a long time I've been able to watch the ballet in its entirety. Also, there was a lot more conforming to the actual storyline of the ETA Hoffman novel, which I won't cover now, because I could talk about that for an eternity and a half and not shut up. Its on my list of books to acquire. When I was younger I had a fully illustrated copy of the nvoel in coffee table version and I don't know where it got to. Its actually the full novel, not the children's illustrated made for baby version without the gore and violence...anyway...see what I mean about talking about it forever? It was a delightful evening because I had pizza, and breadsticks, and hot tea and an evening of ballet while wrapped comfortably in my blanket. We get to go see The Memphis Ballet in three weeks and I am really excited about that too. We're going with Kitten's mom. Its going to be a good time. Also, I have an excuse to wear something pretty, which I never say no to.

I got to thinking about dance again the other day. Hedgewitch and I talked about it, and then Flyguy and I talked about it, and then I talked about it with Oscelot. I think there's some contemplation of taking Ballroom lessons, despite my objections that it could become and expensive hobby. Also, I should mention, Flyguy has not agreed to the scheme, only me and the ladies so far, hedgewitch included. I think Shyguy will do it. I know FG won't. He's too busy and he swears he can't dance. (Which is a lie I am pretty sure I could prove) I miss dancing a lot and I think its time for me to find some sort of outlet for it, because I can't go on being sad and missing the thing I love most. I can't. Well, its the "hobby" I love most, I suppose. The thing I love most is Kitten, isn't it?

That's my February so far in a nutshell. I can't think if there's anything else I've forgotten to mention, though heaven knows I'll remember the moment I hit publish. That's always the way, isn't it?

I'm probably only breaking for now so I can write something truly rediculous. But then, that would be a sign things we heading back to normal now, wouldn't it?

AGxx

Also, I might thank Swiss for the earworm which resulted in the title of this post. (I'm like you, friend, give me a depressing song and I'm hooked.) Although, it could be worse, I've had Marroon Five's "Moves Like Jagger" and that stupid "I love you like a love song baby" song stuck in my head for weeks now.

The Greatest Gift of All

So, I decided to sign on long enough to say that my birthday was fabulous. I'm not normally a big fan of birthdays, honestly. It seems to me like celebrating the day you were born is pointless, because all the things you do after it are what count. This is the first time in heaven knows when I've actually been off the day of my birthday. I normally work. I didn't ask off or anything, Tuesday is just normally my day off, so I suppose I got lucky.

I stayed up late last night because I could, and it was a good time. Flyguy came over and played Taboo and Uno with us. We had a very nice time, so when the time actually came in the ring in the date of my birth I found I was laughing and happy.

I woke up this morning and the girls took me to breakfast. It was nice. My grandmother and my mom took me to the shoe store too, and bought me two new pairs of absolutely beautiful boots. It was sweet of them. I think I get to lunch with them tomorrow, which means more to me, honestly, because I don't get to see my grandmother as much as I would like.

We had a relaxing afternoon and I got to go have Japaneese for dinner, which is my favorite. We actually had nice people at our table too, which was even better. I like it when we can actually enjoy the company of the people who sit with us.

The best thing, though, without a doubt, was that I had so many kind friends taking the time to call, facebook or text me birthday wishes of happiness. It meant a lot to me.

I realized tonight how lucky a woman I am. There are so many people in my life who care about me. That's a better gift than anything I could ever have purchased for me in a store. I will go to sleep tonight knowing that whatever comes in the next year of my life there are people who love me, who want me to be happy and successful. That is worth more than anything else I can think of.

I hope tonight finds you all quite well and happy. Goddess knows I am.

Love you all
AGxx

I cannot rest, I think of you

So today is Yule, our winter solstice celebration. I think I recieved the best gifts I could have ever asked for last night. Perpet and the Boy are in town and I got to spend the evening with them, Sakura and FlyGuy. I swear, just having Perpet's head resting on my knee was more than I could have asked for. I forget sometimes how very much I miss her.

The house was definately full of happiness and laughter and a fair bit of shouting seeing as how we all love to talk over one another. I'm pretty happy for that. It was delightful to see Kitten struggling to stay awake two nights in a row because she wanted to be with them as long as she could too. It was nice.

Of course, I had a headache the whole time, but you know, with a fair amount of cuddling and painkillers it was managable most of the night. I didn't get sick too often.

I thought to myself halfway through the evening how funny it was. We had planned on playing games, but you know, when we get together we are all so very pretentious (no, its not on purpose! Its how we are) we couldn't get a game started because we were too busy discussing feminist dichotomies and the economy and Magic the Gathering (yeah, yuk it up) and movies versus their book and comic book counter parts.Perpet and I had a lengthy conversation about the publishing industry. I think we horrified the poor guys by discussing at length remedies and implements for your menstrual cycle. That got us back on the topic of feminism and we started all over again. I thought to myself, you know, we should have just planned on making the whole evening a gabfest.

I'm sure I will be back with a full report of the holidays soon, but I felt compelled to say that this morning I woke up with the most warm and delicious feeling all over me. (No, it wasn't the drugs) I was warm and I felt so loved. I know that I've got two wonderful women who love me. I also got to spend the evening with four people I know love me too. I sincerely hope that I am able to show them as often as possible how very much they mean to me.

I am teetering on the edge of too much happiness. I am almost unable to bear it. Someone remind me of that when reality comes knocking, because right now things are almost too right.

Toll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Well, Yule is just around the corner. For me, that means more time to focus on the family and on my friends and reflect on the things that I want for myself in the coming year. For me, this is a time of renewal, where I think about making my life better and the lives of the people around me better. I also take time to think about how fortunate I am.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I come from a relatively low class background. I don't mean my family is not classy (although we can address that later) but I do mean my parents we lower working class folks. When I was a kid Christmas and Easter were a time when I got new clothes because my relatives bought them for me, and if I was lucky, my grandparents would pull out an awesome toy or two. We received the Christmas and Thanksgiving baskets from the charitable organizations in our town. I don't feel ashamed, and unlike Punk, I am not mad at my parents for it. They did the best they could for me.

I do, however, think now about how very lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, and that roof belongs to me and Kitten. We own our home. We've got a reliable vehicle. Its warm inside. I don't lack books or other forms of entertainment. Our pantry is full. Honestly, my life is full. We're happy. We're in love. We have a wonderful chosen family and we don't have much to wish for. I mean, we can all use more money. A bigger home would be nice. But all of these things aren't things we need. Which is my point.

Well, the beginning of my point. I think (along with many people, I'm sure) that this season has become painfully commercialized and self centered. I called my grandmother today to tell her if she didnt have Christmas plans to come over on the evening of the 25th for dinner. She immediately apologized for not having presents for me and the girls. It made me sad. I don't want gifts from her. I don't see her enough. I just would like her company. I tried to tell her not to worry, and to tell her I was more concerned that she has the things she needs, but I don't think I really got through to her. If she does stay in town this holiday, I hope she comes to see us.

This year we've decided not to exchange gifts with eachother, me Kitten and Oscelot. In part, like I said, because we have everything we need. In part, we realize money is tight and we'd rather give to our family and friends than to each other. Then we got to talking about two of the girl's coworkers, who are dating. The lady has a son and she's terrified she won't be able to get him a Christmas present. We had already decided to get them some things (Kitten picked out a gorgeous sweater for her, I love it) and put it together as a gift for them. We decided last night money isn't so tight we couldn't go grab some more things for them that we know they'd enjoy and pick up some toys for the kiddo too. I like this idea so much better than getting something for ourselves. It seems right, you know?

Of course, this cued me to have to google what the heck seven year old boys like for toys. I was suprised. I saw nerf on the list, as well as some other toys and games that we played with when I was a kid. Of course, once I got to toys-r-us this morning I almost died when I realized a really good nerf gun costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 and that isn't including all the stuff you need to really trick the toy out. Did you know they make semi-automatic and automatic nerf guns now? That they make mock kevlar vests with holsters and ammo holders now? Its a far cry from the toy I remember as a kid. Cooler, oh yes, but much more advanced. Anyway, I've gotten some ideas for them, and I'm pretty excited that by the end of the week we'll be able to pick up some seriously fun stuff.

So, anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that everyone else seems concerned with the gifts they're going to get; I'm excited to see that we can enjoy a holiday of just giving. If you have the spare money, I defiantely encourage you to give something to someone who is less fortunate than you. I know, without exception, my friends are very lucky, very blessed people.

In other holiday news, I had the official Holiday Fight with my mother this morning. I called her to see how she was and to remind her that we had set aside all of Christmas Day night for her to come spend with us. I planned on cooking dinner and whatnot. She told me she wasn't making any plans, because she didn't know what everyone was doing. I pointed out that was why I was trying to tell her what we were up to. She asked then (as she has for the last three years) whether or not she could bring my brother, or if we would consider having dinner with him too. And, as I have for the last three years, I told her no.

I don't feel like I need to reiterate why it is I am estranged from my brother, or why I feel it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my home. Even if he had apologized to me, his temper is volitle and I don't want to expose Oscelot to it. Or Kitten for that matter.

Of course, this brought on a shouting match with mom. (well, she shouted) She accused me of being unforgiving and childish. I pointed out I forgive him, I just don't feel the need to expose myself to that kind of disrespect. I also don't think its healthy for my family. She seized on the word respect and said it was disrespectful towards her for me to not spend time with him during the holidays for her sake. I countered that I thought it was disrespectful of her to expect me to, seeing as how he told me he wished I would die of AIDS. I don't really think I should have to be around people who actively wish me ill. She told me to grow up and then hung up on me.

So, as always, I'm left to think what I will, since she swears she won't spend Christmas with us because I won't welcome my brother into my home. Honestly, its no skin off my back, since we don't celebrate Christmas, we only do it with our families out of respect for their holiday traditions. But, I am sure, she will inevitably ignore me until an unspecifed time right before Christmas, and then call and try to confirm some sort of plan at the last minute. Last year we each guessed a date that she would call. Oscelot got it right, she called two days before Christmas. This year, Kitten and I have bet on the 21, which is our Yule. Perpet has bet on the 23rd. We'll see. Honestly, it seems pointless. Last year Kitten's mom came over and had breakfast with us and we played board games all day. She only left because my mom came over and made it apparent (with a TON of rude remarks) that she wanted her to leave because she was encroaching on her time with us. What really killed me was she only stayed for about half an hour, even though we had made dinner for her and everything. She didn't even eat.

Ah, well. I see now why Kitten used to hate the holidays. I don't mind it so much now. We have a good way of working things out. WE go to midnight mass with Dad, have breakfast with her mom and dinner with mine. Its easy. We take thir gifts to them and we spend the rest of the time relaxing. I think we're finally beyond stressing about it. Although, I must confess, I am sorely tempted to make plans the night of the 25th if my mom doesn't call by the 20th. I refuse to sit around the house hoping she'll drop by. That's mean of her and pathetic of me.

Anyway, so the holidays are not so bad this year because we have things to cheer us up. Also, I might note, Mrs. Boss knows when Yule is, so she was kind enough to give me my religious day off so I could celebrate. I didn't even have to ask. She is so cool sometimes.

Also, I'm trying to get together enough money to get her boy a copy of the Count of Monte Cristo. He loves to read and we both just finished the Eragon books. We sat and talked about it, and he flattered me by asking if I would help him with his homework on the Hobbit. I plan on rereading Lord of the Rings whenever he gets around to reading it. He's so smart. Only in 6th grade and reading the stuff I like too. He's bringing me a book about the assasination of Abraham Lincoln, and I think I'll enjoy it. I figure I could repay the favor and get him something good too.

So that's the holidays thus far in a nutshell. Tomorrow we're going to start making ornaments for Yule with blessings on them. It'll be fun.

How's your holiday going?

AGxx

How I Miss You, and I Just Want to Kiss You

The weeks continue to tumble by so quickly I have hardly the chance to keep up! I feel the turning of the earth below me, faster than usual it seems, and I look forward to the approach of the holiday season immensly. I must confess, part of that excitement is knowing that my dearest friend, Perpet and her husband, Boy, will be in town soon and I will get to see her for the first time in over a year. I'm happy about it, I haven't been able to spend quality time with her in a couple of years at least. It delights me to know they are coming for a good solid week and I can spend time with her. It also makes me anxious to succeed so that we can move. I want a good home in a city that makes me happy, but it will be nice to be near her again when that time comes.

I am also looking forward to another excursion at the beginning of next week. The girls and I are heading to Kansas City, MO to go see the inimitable Brandi Carlile in concert once again. I am always delighted when she comes close enough to my hometown that I am able to go to see her. Especially when it makes it possible to not have to take more than two days off of work.

Speaking of work, I feel changes in the air. We've lost a pretty healthy amount of staff members as of late. I can't say I regret it, many who left are ones that needed to leave, so i am glad to have the chance to build a new crew with the proper skills and lack of bad habits. We had a meeting the other day with the managment and our trainers, and we set goals for things we'd like to accomplish. So far, things are looking well and everyone seems to be on board. If we are able to follow through, I will be delighted to work inan even better environment where everyone can play for the same team. I've got my hopes up, and I pray that they are not in vain. I pray we follow through. I think we will. Yesterday two of the trainers and I stayed after we got off work to do some deep cleaning and some much needed store rearranging, as far as decoration goes. We're doing it again Saturday morning before we work, and if all goes well, we think we might get permission to repaint, which is something we desperately need. I'll definately keep you updated there. I might even take some pictures, if I think of it.

Otuside of work I've made good progress on my new novel. It shows no signs of slowing, although I must make myself work if I wish to be successful. By all rights, I should be at it now. I comfort myself with the thought I can work tonight and gte back in the saddle. Everything is going as planned there, which makes me happy.

I've been reading more again, after taking a somewhat lengthy break from my usual book every day or two pace. I read Band of Brothers, by Steven Ambrose, which is a nonfiction account of E Company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. My Grandfather was in the 101st, so it was quite touching for me. I have even more respect for his bravery now than I had ever before. Afterwards, I have been taking the time to reread the Inheritance Cycle. The last book int he series came out just before I went on vacation. I want to purchase it, but I need to refresh myself on the series first. I have to confess, I love those books. Mrs. Boss is reading them now, her son convinced her to, and she is enjoying them. I can't wait to talk to her about them. She seems really excited. She even made me go into the office the other day and tell Mr. Boss that yes, they are better than the LOTR series. No offense to Tollkein, he was talented and created a beautiful world. Paolini, though did something better. Tollkein was an Oxford professor, Paolini was 16 when he wrote the first book inthe series. A far more difficult feat. I think the young man a genius. Plus, the books dont drag with heacy, florid language, but read with all the swiftness and excitment an action-adventure should have. Yes, I like them very much.

I've set Oscelot to reading David Sedaris. I thought, with her rather short attention span, that she might like the short stories. Also, he's funny as hell. She read When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I gave her to take on vacation with us. She loved it. I am going to read it next, its one that I haven't tackled yet. She's now onto Me Talk Pretty One Day, which I have read, and I loved. Its nice, because it gives us something to talk about. I like that, because sometimes I feel we have a tendency to fall into a rut and discuss work and other mundanities. I like having something to say that doesn't involve those things. Kitten, of course, I never seem to run out of things to talk about. She reads more than I do, which is great. I also get a great writing perspective for her, becaue she reads quite a bit in the genre I write, and she gives me a nice reader's perspective. She also reads a lot of Mystery and Thriller genre books, and while I don't read them myself, I am always interested in what she is reading because the plots give me fits sometimes.

One nasty side effect of the Eragon books, however, is I am feeling a bent towards poetry, which I am terrible at writing. Unfortunately, the books are riddled with poems and floral language, which always makes me want to try my hand at it. I always fail miserably. My poetry always sounds trite. Ah, well, its the thought that counts most days. I figure someday I will turn my head to the study of it, and then possibly escape my prison of meloncholy ABAB rhyming. in the meantime, I muddle through and laugh at my own work. It gives me perspective. I thought I would share my latest attempt with you. I sent it to Flyguy last night, and he was kind enough to respond with a correlating verse, which pleased me immensly.

My Stupid Poem

Draw a breath and close your eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies-
fast and hard the darkness turns
to slake desire for which we yearn.

Shatter quick the brittle glass
The one we hold which cannot last,
Turn the eye and shake the head
Tumble loose the feelings dead.

Yet lips murmur soft and sweet
Shower poison petals at the feet.
Trip them softly, trip them true
Another chance to play the fool.

Draw the bow and sight the sky
let yet another arrow fly.
Seeking true the greatest mark
In loving war, the subtle art.

Fill the quiver as you must,
Each wild repost and daring thrust
Draw a breath, and close the eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies.

Terrible isn't it? Ah, well. Practice makes perfect I hear. I will keep trying in the hopes of getting a passable poem at some point. In case you're interested, Flyguy's response, which I won't post here without obtaining his permission, addressed the preparatory moment before the arrow is let loose, the feeling of tension that fills us all before that moment comes, and how the past, the present and the future are our greatest burdens. I responded with a quick verse back:

Kiss the arrow, seal your fate. The time has come, you cannot wait.

It makes me want to keep after this miserable slog of a poem. Someone tell me to abandon it now.

Oh, an interesting thing I forgot to tell you with respect to work. Rogue doesn't work there anymore. She went back to our previous restaurant, because the old GMis gone and she quite likes the new one. I do hope she's happy. I was thinking the other day how odd it is, because I am no longer working with her, and I have since just after I started my old blog aeons ago. I commented to someone how strange it seemed, not having her in my life, whether we are friends ornot. Funnily enough, she friended me on Facebook that day. I say this in the most positive way possible, sometimes people we have loved, or people we still care for but are separated from, have a way of being a part of our lives always.

To be truthful, I have another friend I've been thinking of lately, and I know I've crossed their mind (not ego, sometimes you truly know things without being told) and I am interested to see how long it will take before they contact me. You never loose the people you love. Never. I'm waiting patiently, and we'll see. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

That's all I've got for now, although heaven knows I've got plenty to talk about.

We'll chat soon, eh?
AGxx