I Think I'm Moving But I'm Going Nowhere

I was rereading one of the posts I wrote a while ago. You know, the one where I told you all about my vacation when I was little girl to St. Louis? I was really suprised to see that on the list of blogs that was read the most often. I suppose those little snippets are the things that make me who I am, aren't they?

Other things I think you might be interested to know...

I want to learn how to surf. I'm a good swimmer, and a pretty good body surfer. I think I could surf without a lot of trouble. I found out from someone the other day that its pretty odd that I'm a strong swimmer when i'm in free flowing water, because I always wear shoes, like tennis shoes, when I swim. I like to protect my feet. If I'm not in a pool, the shoes go on...anyway, I think I could do it. You know, there's a program in Disney World where they teach you to surf in that giant pool at their water park. Perfect waves every time. If I could figure it out there, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out other places.

I've never been water skiing. I don't know how. In fact, I've never been on a pair of skis period. I think I'd like snow skiing better, even though I don't care for the cold (you know that, don't you? I have blankets everywhere in the house...proof enough. I'm wearing one right now. Its red plaid and lined with lambs wool). something about the prospect of falling off the skis and breaking every bone in my face deters me from water skiing, though we have lakes enough around here I could learn. I have no upper body strength. You know that. I think I could ski on snow, though. That seems more like a leg strength thing. I could do that. My legs are strong.

I'm going to go camping this summer, and take Oscelot on her first float trip. I love to float, although I don't hold with the whole fishing while you float thing. I remember my ex used to do that and it drove me crazy.

I hae a strange compulsion to match my underwear and bras. This is a recent thing. I didn't do it before I started seeing Kitten. Now its almost an obsession. Did you know that she was the one who got me hooked on Victoria's Secret? Now I won't wear anything else. That's what I got for my birthday, new bras and some underwear. I got black and white bras...so I could finally match them to most of the stuff I own. Now I want a whole lot more white underwear because i like how light and friendly it looks when I wear it.

I actually keep photos of myself on my phone. Its like a self esteem boost. Some days, when i feel completely ugly, i'll get them out and have a look at them and remember there are times when i can be, even in my own mind, an incredibly sexy woman. I like that feeling, like there's still some sort of mystery to me that even I haven't figured out. It seems like its something someone else will have to find, and the process of discovery makes me feel more real.

Do you ever think of things that you can't recall why you remember them? Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night and think of these things and I can't escape them and they drive me crazy. Its always something odd, too. I'll remember riding the electric train at the mall that closed down in town when I was a little girl, or I'll think of when I was singing on our honeymoon and how I could have done better, and I run it through my head until I want to scream. Sometimes I'll think of odd things, like an outfit I had that made me feel really beutiful, or the way it feels when I'm dancing, and I'll get completely lost in that moment.

Sometimes its things that I don't want to think about, and those nights are awful for me. I toss in bed and stare at the ceiling and sing earwormy songs to myself in an attempt to chase those sights out of my head. If it doesn't work, i'll try other things, like getting a drink of water, or having a cigarette, or writing...Truth is, most the time it doesn't work and I find myself wishing I could pick up my phone and call and have the comfort of being told there's nothing wrong with me, that everyone has those moments. Everyone feels that way sometimes. But I don't know that.

Do you ever feel like the past is completely inescapable, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever lay in bed and think of how hard you have worked to be something compeltely different than what you think you are, but you feel like you're failing? Probably not, huh? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who runs forward and pushes for more and new and different things and gets them, and then still feels the past creeping up behind them like a shadow.

When I was a little girl I remember I used to play with Hedgewitch in my grandmother's yard. We'd pretend we were faries and we would call ourselves after flowers. Is it any suprise I chose Rose? Is it odd that now I have them all around my house? But you wouldn't know that, because you haven't seen it. I have a gorgeous arbor and a white picket fence now. I have roses all the way around my house and I swear I'm going to wrap them around the hedges too. I want to train them to climb all over the arbor and if I can convince Kitten, up the sides of the house. I love them so much. I want them in every color and every variety. The smell of them makes me so happy, and the feeling of their petals under my fingers in soemthing that, to me, is both comforting, and exhilirating and almost erotic all at the same time.

I remember the first time I had a ruben sandwich. I had no idea what it was. I was at a birthday party at an ice cream parlor. Maybe you remember them, they were called Shauncy's? We had one in the mall too, back when there was still a carosel, fountains and a decent arcade there too. It was awful! I remember the sharp sour taste and how it filled up my nose and how it burned my throat. i've never been fond of rubens...

I do love chineese. I remember when I was little my Grandmother would go get it from one of the local restaurants and bring it home. Its over by where Cardins used to be...although I don't suppose you would know where that's at. Its on the north side of town, far from where most of the nice restaurants are. Its still there...its a hole in the wall and I think I'm the only person who likes to eat there...of my aquaintances that it. Anyway, she would get friend wontons and she hates the meat part in the center, but I always liked them. She would tear out the centers and give them to me. To this day its still my fvorite part of the wonton, even though i'll eat the crispy part now.

All the way from childhood through high school I would wake up late at night at my grandparents and I would creep into the kitchen. I remember a lot of nights my grandpa would be up, and he always like to have ice cream at night. I'd sit and split a carton of strawberry with him. Its my favorite flavor to this day, and I have to have the kind with real strawberries in it, or its just not right. I remember after Imoved back in to my grandparents house I would do the opposite, almost. Of course, by this time, my grandpa had passed, but I was 18 or so, I suppose, just finishing my first semester in college, the first time. i would stay up late with my Gran on the nights that I stayed in, and we would sit and have cocktails together. I remember, my grandmother favors vodka or schnapps and OJ. I'm a fan of rums and whiskeys. Or I was at the time. I suppose I still am. When I go out I usually have a rum drink.

The night I ran back into Kitten I remember I drank Southern Comfort with diet and a lime twist. I was drinking miller light bottles when I was having beer. I suppose my tastes have changed a bit since then. Although I remember we used to go to Brick Wall Bar, which has moved since then, and we'd buy a couple buckets of beer and drink them. As little as I drink now, I wonder how we survived those nights.

We played poker the other night. We taught Shorty, Hedgewitch and Shyguy how to play follow the queen. I think its still ym favorite poker game. My luck is still terrible. You know, I've only been to a casino once, and it was for a concert? I've never gambled in a casino. Do you think I still have beginners luck? I have no idea...

There you go. That's a bunch of things you probably didn't know about me before now. At least, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned them.

After all this time, I still want to be loved for the hot mess I am. I think I deserve that. I think you could love me. If you wanted to.

AGxx