I Don't Really Want To Be Seen In My Own Eyes

So its been a really long time right? But every now and again it seems like its good to get things off my chest, or to just write instead of micro-blog, which I do all the time on Tumblr, or to get distracted on Facebook or whatever it is that I'm normally up to when I should be in school and keeping on task. Fortunately for me, Kitten wanted to go to the library this afternoon to do some stuff for work and that leaves me here, in the library, on a snow day with not much to do but reflect. Its almost like its 2008 again....And since I had some recent food for thought...well, here I am. Again.

hello, old friends.

So we went to lunch with a friend of ours today and we were talking about working out at the gym. We're all pretty frequent work out partners, so its not uncommon to talk about it. We've started some new classes with them and I find I am much more challenged than I am by the other ones we're taking (not that my water classes and my cardio classes aren't killing me...I just never wish I was dead halfway though in them....) Anyway, the topic of what we think about while we're working out came up. Our friend was in the military and she said she always hears her drill instructors in her head. Kitten said she hears music- whether its what's on the radio or whatever she's earworming. She uses the beats to push herself. When the topic of what I heard came up, I answered, entirely honestly, that I hear myself. I've got a picture in my head of what I want from me, and I hear myself, over and over, saying that this- what I am now- is not good enough, its not what I want. It pushes me.

I was a little taken aback when our friend suggested that I might need to get help because of it. Her position is I'm like this all the time, with everything and it indicates I might need to get psychological help to fix it.

I want to preface this with what will seem like excuse: I don't think how I feel is unhealthy. I don't hate myself. I like myself better now than I think I ever have. But I want things from myself- a better, healthier body, perfect grades, a Masters in the next five years, a farm, a fistful of friends that care about me. I want to be more compassionate, more feeling, more humble. I want to be less angry and less afraid. I know myself. I've given myself too much slack, too much room to pity myself and too much time to wallow in my shortcomings. I don't think its wrong, now, to push myself as hard as I can. It makes me better.

Some people might see that as going overboard- but I know what I've accomplished. I've got perfect grades. I've been invited to join the honors fraternity, which was my goal last semester. I won our public speaking forum because I pushed myself to stop being afraid, to never rely on anything but myself when it came to my speaking ability. I'm at head of all my classes and I am learning, quickly, to love the subjects I feared. I'm in a degree program I started out knowing almost nothing about, and I'm already making huge leaps towards my career goals. I have a great marriage. I'm good at my job- hell, I'm good at every position in the restaurant I work at. All of them. The only person better than me is Kitten- and I'm never going to cook the way she does. I'm at peace with that. I've lost 12 pounds since December. I'm almost to the point of putting back on the muscle weight I'll need. That's huge. I'm not afraid to look in the mirror when I wake up anymore. Its because I'm doing the best I can for myself- and it has nothing to do with hating who I am. I am holding myself to my standard: to give myself the very best I can, including total commitment to being 100% honest and accountable to myself, all the time. I don't look at that as something that I need to fix. To me, its not weakness, is strength.

But all of that, all those things, in the light of who I am now may seem extreme. Because she's a new friend, I haven't had the time to tell her all the things that you know about me. What I know about myself. But if I did, I would have told her of all the progress I've made.

I don't see my body the way I  should. I know that. But I've overcome my eating disorder. I know what I see in the mirror isn't real. And I know that I'm always going to struggle with my weight, and my looks. But I also learned to set reasonable goals, to know what's healthy for a woman my height and age. To know what I want from myself and to learn to love and accept what I see. To accept the love that everyone around me gives me- just because I see something different doesn't mean they're wrong. And in spite of some of the terrible things that have happened to me, I don't see my body as damaged goods, or unworthy. I can see myself of something whole and beautiful and worthy of love and perfection. That's a gift only I can give me. And I know, always, that anyone who is allowed to see any part of my body is being given a gift from me.

I'm clean. I've kicked my addiction. That was a struggle, and every time I think of how I am not strong enough, or not good enough, I remember coming out of it and how hard it was for me. I remember how sick I felt, how afraid I felt.  I remember feeling weak, pathetic. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not a slave to anything in my life. That's a lot of freedom to give yourself.

In spite of that fact that I have what most people would call a terrible self esteem, I don't hate myself anymore. I've forgiven myself for my mistakes. I realize that I can't blame myself for everything that's happened to me. I also know that when I have to accept the blame for a bad decision, that doesn't make me a horrible person. I don't punish myself for things I've done. I don't allow myself to dwell on the past- as much as I possibly can- and I've finally stopped replaying in my head every mistake I make and every failure I've experienced as I go to bed each night. That's huge for me. I don't believe I owe anyone any part of who I am. I believe I deserve better than second best from anyone. Once, I would have accepted friendship and love that was half-assed or inattentive, thankful for anything anyone gave me. Not anymore. And I've stopped making apologies for who I am and what I love. No one gets to determine what's worthy of me but me.

Most of all, I know I'm capable of love and compassion. For most people, that wouldn't seem like much of an accomplishment, but because of who I am, I know that's huge. I've faced the darkest parts of who I am and I know, in my soul, that part of me is very cold, very calculating. I know there's a detached, angry woman who lives inside me and I have to take her and use her to be stronger. I am better than the manipulation I am capable of. I am more than the motivations of my fear and anger. I have learned, finally, as a result of my former self-loathing, how to spot it in others, how to see the needs of the people around me; and I am able, now, to hurt and feel for people in a way I never was capable and really never wanted to. I'm not afraid to give myself away anymore, and I am capable of accepting love and compassion for others without the fear that I am pitied or thought less of.

I fight myself for control all the time. I know that. I push myself hard, maybe more than most people. But after all this time, after all I've been through, don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to give myself, to demand from myself, only the very best? I don't want to let myself down. I want to be proud of my accomplishments. I want to be remarkable, because I am capable of it. I don't like failure but I can accept it- the only thing I cannot accept is that one day I will look back and see I didn't give myself every possible opportunity to be the most whole and happy person I can be because I didn't try hard enough. There's so much to this world. I want to see it all, I want to feel it all. I want to know everything there is to know. I won't get there by taking it easy.

After all this, though, I see that I am capable of forgiveness too. Because I inherently think if she thinks that, it could be true, right? I need to fix myself, right? But I know me, better than anyone else. I can forgive myself for the strain I feel. I can forgive her for hurting me by saying that, because it did hurt. But after all this time, I know, just the way you do...I'm much more. I've come so very far, and its not something that she can see, because she doesn't know that me yet. She hasn't seen me in that light. That, on its own, means I have to let that comment go and forgive. It does, though, give me a chance to see and reflect on my own progress and abilities and be thankful for what it is I've become.

I'm never going to be perfect, but I'll never stop trying. I don't think knowing I'll fail makes me foolish in pursuing that which is futile. I feel braver, stronger, knowing that I'm going to give myself the chance to be more than I ever thought I could be just a decade ago.

I'm worth that.

I love you. I'm glad you came by to listen. You're always welcome here.
AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

Time of Day I Can't Recall

This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.

I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.

Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.

This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.

The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?

Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?

On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights.  Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.

When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.

I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)

Things I need to remember:

I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.

Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.  

I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.

AGxx

Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.

As You Shoot Across the Sky

Well hello. As you can see, I've been going through my old photo albums. I thought this might amuse you, because it certainly amuses me. I went and looked back at all the photos of me since I started blogging. I compiled here a little of what you might call a photo diary of how I've changed (at least in looks) since I started this little venture of mine, and since I met many of you.

This first picture is of me on the evening of my twenty third birthday. Well, I think its twenty three. I might be wrong about that, so don't quote me. I always loved that shirt, in fact I bought a bright blue, more updated version of this shirt a few years ago, though I wore it so rarely I finally threw it out this last spring. Also, I'd like to mention I definately don't wear jeans with that high a waist anymore. In fact, I rarely wear jeans. Anyway, this is me when I first started blogging, when I first met Perpet, back when Beloved and I were living together. I had a lot of ideas then, and I think most of them were probably a little off the mark, but that's the beauty of youth, isn't it? You're allowed to be wrong once and a while.

This next picture is of me (singing karaoke, mind you which is why I look possessed) just after I started dating BBD, sometime after I split up with Beloved and sometime before he and I got engaged. I've got a bit of a harder look about me, I think, and I was. I was rough around the edges. I took the split up wiith Beloved, well, not as well as I could have seeing as how I drank all the time, went out every night, and managed to not only start dating but end up getting engaged to someone it turned out I despised. This was definately a time when I was cutting off my nose to spite my face.

This was right before I started the whole Rogue fiasco, and after I left school. Again. This was the time I met some very cool people, and then again, I met some realy jerks too. I met little black book during this time. Shortly after this picture was taken I did get engaged, and it wasn't too much before or after (I honestly don't remember when) I began working at Casa Bueno.



Skip ahead a year or so and this is me again. This picture was taken about a month or two before BBD and I split up. You can see I'm a little more alert in the eyes. My face is pretty pink, in fact, I was probably well into drink the time this photo was taken. But this was a time when I started wanting a little more for myself and a little more from life.

Enter Kitten.

This is me after Kitten and I startd dating. You can see, I am actually able to smile a real smile. You can't see it, but my bestie Perpet took this picture, and that's another reason to smile, outside of finding real love. She and I had been on the outs a bit, ever since she sat me down and told me that I was being an idiot, I drank too much and BBD was ruining my life. I was mad, but she was right. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.

Also, if you look in the background, the red hair and ugly blue vest belong to our old roommate, Guitar Hero. This was taken about a year before she moved in, before we figured out she was bat shit crazy.

This is me on the lake at Epcot in Disney world. Obviously, I'm on my honeymoon. Incidentally, this is the photo I was looking at the other day when I was thinking about how long my hair has gotten. Its much curlier than it is now, because the longer my hair is the wavier it is, and the more like a rats nest it looks like. I spend a lot of time straitening my hair nowdays. Obviously, I am much happier in this picture than the others, I'm relaxed, and you can see my skin actually has a healthy tint to it.

This is me this last spring. It was taken at our local zoo. Because I have it in my hands behind my head, you can't see how long it is. I don't have an accurate photo of myself right now, because I haven't uploaded my vacation photos, and even then, we took pictures of big cats and not ourselves. Its almost an inch past my elbows now. Its also one of the few pictures I've taken of myself (well, someone else has taken, in this case, I think, it was the Lifeguard) where my hair is its natural color. Yes, those are natural highlights. No, I don't still have them. I mess with my hair all the time.

If you want to actually analyze this one, you can see that I've got a healthy skin tone. Overall, since that first picture, I've slimmed down. Rather, I should say, I toned up a bit, and put my flesh where it ought to be. I've only been really big once (andno, you can't see those photos) and I intend to keep it that way. I think you can also see my personality is developing, and I think I look more like a woman in this photo than any of the others.

I'd say its likely that's because its only been in the last four years I've come into my womanhood. I understand things now that were utterly beyond me a decade ago, and honestly, its nothing to do with books either, though I've acquired plenty of those in the process too.

I could wax poetic all night about the things I've learned and all the ways I've changed, but you know, I think you're more than able, if you want, to go back and read all of those posts and see it. Of course, those of you who have been with me all this time, you know how I've changed anyway. You've rather watched me come into myself, haven't you? Then again, I've got no illusions that I still have a lot of growing to do, although I think most of the personailty is pretty well set in stone. I hope so at least. I feel a lot more stable.

There is one thing, though, I will mention, and that's because I was speaking with Flyguy on the topic earlier today. Most of you have heard me say this, although you've never seen it. I have a spectacular temper. In that first picture, when I was angry or upset, I'd run away from a situation. I know now that just puts off the inevitable. By the time you hit the third picture, I'm well aware of how angry I can get, in fact, I spent a lot of my time when I was with BBD yelling. That did me no good at all. The fireworks were seen a lot more frequently, and they were pretty wild when they were out.

Kitten and I don't fight often, I don't say this to brag. I know every relationship has issues. Fortunately, I've learned that I have to discuss things calmly and like an adult. I know now how I feel when I'm working up to a good fit of rage, and for the most part, I can stop it in its tracks now. In the last year I've leanred to reflect why I'm angry. I have learned to take a deep breath and remember thatm ost of the time I can't fix the problem, and getting mad only makes things worse for me. I've learned when to say "Okay, I need to step away (not run away) and take five minutes to breathe and think about how I really feel, and then we can talk. " I've also learned that with almost all people, anger is less a sign of being truly angry, and is more often a sign of something else, like frustration, fear, hurt or sadness. I leanred this because I usually get mad when I am sad, frustrated, disappointed or afraid of soemthing.

Anyway. Enough about my big changes. I'm going to post this sucker, let you guys laugh at how I look, and then think of something to post that doesn't involve me being so abominably vain that I have to post pictures of myself so you can look at them.

Oh- I changed my profily picture because I thought you might like to see me in something that isn't a bikini, and also because its jauary and a bikini is simply not sensible. That picture was taken last summer while I was running in the warehouse district near my house. That was about the time I decided to toss the bangs. I'm so glad I did.

Right. Off to something more entertaining and less, visual.

AGxx

Postscript. Sorry about the Katy Perry Lyric. It was the only one that came to mind that didn't involve Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock or that terrible Photograph song. I'll do better next time.

Can You Count to Ten, Can You Let It Pass?

Sptember is here, and with it thoughts of fall. I've already begun to prepare for the autumn. The wreaths in my house that normally hide in the living room are more prominent than before, I have garlands of fall leaevs hanging from my curtains. Before the week it out, I'll be stenciling fallscapes on my walls as well, so that I can celebrate the season. I'm enjoying looking at Halloween decorations immensly, and I am taking time to plan for our next fall ritual.

With this season comes thoughts of death. For me this is natural. The wheel of the year is turning, slowly and symbolically, to the time when it is darker and we spend more time sleeping, storing and waiting for brighter days. This is, without a doubt, my favorite time of year. However hot it is where I live (we're still experiencing extreme summer weather, we've had heat advisories this week with tempratures well over 100) I cannot escape the fact that, for me, fall is here. I should be celebrating it.

One of the things that bears thinking about this time of year is the darker side of the self, the things we fear, the things that run deeper than surface. Every person has their dark side, for some of us it is more prominent than others. For me, I feel, its hidden, but not well, and it spends quite a bit of time simmering just below the surface. If you were to meet in me in a public setting you'd be likely to say that I am a happy, friendly person. I'm nice to people. I'm affectionate. I'm empathetic. You'd be right. I am, as a general rule, pretty happy with my life and the people in it. I try to be kind to everyone whether I think they deserve it or not. I listen well when you can get me to stop talking, and I relate well to most people's life experiences. But then, you're only scratching the surface.

Anyone who has been visiting any of my blogs for long knows there is much more to me. There is quite a bit of that fear in me. There is a darker side of the self, one that I am much less reluctant to show here than I am anywhere else. I have many things that I am afraid of. I fear letting myself, my partners, my friends down. I am afraid of losing the security that I treasure so much. I am afraid of lonliness and of the disapproval of others.

More than that, though, I am angry. More than I should be. This is my true darker self. There's no question for me. One of the things we did this year while celebrating Beltane was to discuss as a group what it was we were wanting to achieve spiritually. Where our hearts, as it were, were needing change the most. I said I wanted to work on my temper. I'm angry almost all the time, even when I'm happy. Years of therapy never really did teach me to let things go. I received a not so subtle message from God and Goddess earlier in the week that I need to get ahold of myself, my temper was going to fuck up everything I am working for, if I am not careful. It was definately not news to me, but getting the wakeup call was startling nonetheless, I felt like I was doing better.

Then I got to thinking about it.

I'm still angry with my family about a lot of things. Despite the fact that I've accepted it and moved on, I'm angry with several of my exes for things that happened while we were together. There are sometimes I am angry at things I can't even control- my helplessness at cruelty in the world, the ignorance of others, the savagry of the human race. On a smaller, but no less important, scale I find myself angry that I don't try harder, or do more. I get upset when I find myself in a position I've been in before and I react the same way knowing what will happen. I get angry about work, about not going to school. Hell, sometimes I even feel angry at my very good friends because they're so good to me I feel like I ought to be a more deserving person and I'm nto sure I can't. I was mad at Oscelot the other day because she asked for candy at the gas station and said I could pick anything, and the pressure and worry of picking the wrong thing caused me to panic and not pick anything at all.

Its not just the anger though. Its how I handle it. I never just say something. I let it simmer. I think about what I would say if I had the courage to, if I knew I wouldn't be punished for it later. I think of how I would act, were I not a rational human being. Once, I saw myself as a panther chewing up one of my customers and then puking her back up on the table like a hairball, because she had made me angry. (actually, it frightened me at the time, but now I feel like that was a pretty healthy expression of my rage. I got it out of my system, and I didn't say anything.)

So, here I am, at the time of the year when you're supposed to be embracing your fear and your darker self to make positive change. Embracing the dark self is an amazing way to improve your abilities in the Craft, and I want to. I really do. The question for me is, how do I take that and make it into something positive and useful? I know my fears. I can find positives in them. I am safe and secure. I do my best to be a good partner, friend and coven mate to my chosen family. I know I can be the things I want to be, the things I chose to be, I just have to have faith in myself.

But how do I control the anger? How do you channel that into something good, into something useful? One of our rules is to never work when you're angry. ("Work", mind you, not work) The things I get angry about like politics and cruelty, those things I know I can work on. I talk about them here, I volunteer, I try my best to make people aware of the good they could do instead of the cruel. But stupidity in others is not something I can fix. And I am not patient. Not at all. I want what I want yesterday, but since I can't have it yesterday RIGHT NOW will have to do. This means I have to learn to be patient, but being patient when I don't want to be makes me angry. See how the circle begins? I don't want to be a martyr, and sometimes when I'm angry about some of the things in my work and personal life I feel like I set myself up that way. I'm bearing things as best I can, setting aside the injustices that I feel are done me, all to better my karma. Self serving, isn't it? Even when I try to be good I can't win.

I've done my best to try and breathe deeply and let things go. It doesn't work. I get more mad. I can't even meditate anymore, because all the things that I'm trying to wash away from myself come flooding into my head and it becomes a personal rage reflection time. I've tried cleansing breaths, I've tried talking it out. I've even tried writing it away.

My best bet, so far, I think, is to take that rage in me and work visualization. To think of that rage as a reflection of my power and strength as a person. I mean, if I can work that much energy into being mad and never express it, think of how amazing it would be if I took that energy and turned it into something else completely. Think of the power behind love or compassion or just plain old raw energy with that sort of strength.

My mission right now is to find a way to work that transformation. To create personal alchemy, as it were. I want my mettle to be made of better stuff. I am completely unsure of how to do it. I'm working up a plan. If you have suggestions, I'm always open to them. If you don't want to comment them to me, I've got an email address for that reason. I always like mail from people that love me. Even the electronic kind.

I want to be better. That's the first step, right? I mean, I had someone tell me yesterday that I'm sometimes too nice. Too nice. I wanted to laugh, because honestly, if most people took time to crawl around in my head, I think they'd run screaming the other direction. Its a scary place, even for me, sometimes. I mean, I know that no one healthy has Candyland up there or anything, but then, they also don't have panthers stalking in the tall grass waiting to chew you to peices and cough you up into a hairball, do they?

Count to Ten, Take a Breath.

I'm glad you're here, and you love me, even if I am a little nuts sometimes.

AGxx