I Can't Control You, You Can't Control Me

Happy Friday everyone. I know that most of my friends are happy that its here, because that means its the end of the work week. I'm excited for all of you. You get a full weekend to rest and enjoy yourselves. Its a time to relax. For me, of course, I'm in the middle of my work week, so I won't be celebrating with you as you go into this weekend well rested and (for my American friends at least) having had an extra day off already.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.

First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.

I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.

Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.

This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.

I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.

A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.

Point taken.

Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.

She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.

The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)

I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.

So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.

Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to.  I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"

I texted her back: Good.

Because it was.

AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

Time of Day I Can't Recall

This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.

I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.

Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.

This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.

The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?

Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?

On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights.  Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.

When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.

I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)

Things I need to remember:

I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.

Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.  

I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.

AGxx

Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.