You Don't Have To Ask Because You Know How I Feel

So, I know I've been radio silent for most of the month. There's a reason for that, I swear. The big one is, I've been sick. I mean, not like, I have the flu or anything, but my body has definately taken the opportunity to remind me that it still can malfunction on a relatively reliable basis- usually just as I have decided I'm doing pretty well.

I'd like to say that, up until two weeks ago, things were going along pretty well. I'd been meditating more, taking time to journal. I was reading a lot, and I was making a lot of progress personally. For me, it felt really good. I was getting out of bed feeling more motivated, I was more positive throughout the day, life was pretty good. And then nature decided she wanted to remind me how much fun it is to be a woman.

Now, if you're not into oversharing, what I'm about to talk about is probably not going to be up your alley. I apologize. I truly do.

My period this month nearly killed me. In fact, there was one point where I was rather wishing it would, because I wanted it all to be over. I'm no stranger to hevy flow. I'm one of those women that curses other girls who complain about their three day period because frankly, I don't care how bad you think it is, most of mine last ten days and my flow is usually heavy enough I require more than one box of feminine supplies. Its not my favorite time.

Oh, yes. I embrance my womanhood. I celebrate that my body is beautiful and in transition. I love that I'm a more powerful witch when I'm experiencing Blood on the Moon. Hooray. But seriously, I don't think that negates my very firm idea that I'd rather not than have one. This month, this was more true than normal.

I started on a Friday. I went to work, I made the best of things. I was uncomfortable, but that's part of it. I have learned to live with it. I didn't have too terrible a first day headache, so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. Then I woke up Saturday morning and things got worse. I was tired and shaky. I was bleeding really, really hard. More than usual. It was unnerving. I know I have to look after my blood sugar when I'm cycling so I picked up some steak for breakfast. I got some berries to make sure I had some nice, natural sugars in my system. I brought my herbal tea blend that helps with the cramps and the flow to work with me. Work was hell. By the time it was all over, I was tired and nauseous and my head hurt pretty bad.

Then the cramps started. I don't usually have them. If its a particularly bad month I might a little, and I'll curl up on the couch with a hot pad and sip tea and try not to be too much of a whiner. But its not normally like this. I went to bed early, but couldn't sleep. The bleeding and the cramps got worse. Then then more painful than that. By three or four in the morning, I was in the bathroom weeping when I wasn't throwing up from the pain. Not my best night.

By four thirty I was begging Kitten to take me to the hospital. The bleeding was as bad, if not worse, than it had been, the pain from the cramps, the vomiting and the now full-blown migraine that I had come with this particular cycle were totally unbearable. I really, truly wished I was dead. (I'd liek to point out,too, because I'm sure you've noticed I made no mention of painkillers...I can't take over the counter pain meds. I'm allergic to NSAIDs so Tylenol in 100 mg doses is all I can have. Not Midol, no Aspirin, nothing)

When we got to the hospital they immediately gave me something to stop the vomiting. I passed out in the waiting room, because lets face it even when the hospital is empty, you're required to sit out there for at least an hour. I think they try to see if you're really sick or something, assuming that if you aren't bleeding or actively dying that you might just be a sissy. I'm not sure. But when the girl asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I told her I was somewhere between and 8.5 and 9. Totally true, too. I look back and try to think of a time when I was in moer pain, and I come up short.

When I finalyl got a room, I didn't even see a doctor or nurse before they sent in a phlobotomist to draw bood. I very weakly told the poor guy he was wasting his time if he was giving me a pregnancy test. He looked at Kitten and apologized to me. Then he showed me all five vials they gave him, so I assume they weren't just checking to make sure I wasn't pregnant or having a miscarriage. (I found out later they were also testing me for every STD known to man, which I could have also told them I didn't have, seeing as how I was tested recently, and you know, only have two sex partners, both of whom are clean.) I will say this, my guy got a good stick on me, it didn't hurt the way they normally do, and he was incredibly good looking and smelled like chocolate and Easter grass. I rather liked him. I told Kitten I wanted to request him next time I had to get blood work. It almost made me forgive him for taking all that blood, when in my mind, I clearly didn't have much to lose.

The nurse came, hooked me up to a bunch of machines, gave me an IV, hung some fluid on me, and asked me a ton of questions. Then the doctor. She asked a bunch of the same questions, and honestly, I rather got tired of telling them I was an 8 on a ten scale for pain. Like it was changing or something.

Turns out, I have low blood pressure. Looking into that, seems like a good reason I'm tired all the effing time, and why I get sleepy or fatigued after long period of standing or short periods of light exercise. It explains a lot, actually. It also explains why they wouldn't give me morphine. I say this without complaint. Honestly, it frightens me how they hand that shit out like candy in the ER, so I wasn't bitter. Whatever they did to keep the pain from killing me, that was fine. I didn't care how they did it.

I ended up with a drug called Fentynol (I think I spelled that right) which is like morphine, but won't lower my blood pressure. They gave me a lot of it. They also gave me benadryl (I'm not sure why. I think they explained it but I don't remember it) and a couple of anti-nausea medications. Hoenstly, there were like, seven or eight vials of medicine that went into my IV tube, so I can't remember a whole hell of a lot except the painful parts. And there were more after the painkillers, which is frightening.

I had to have a vaginal ultrasound. I'm going to say this as lovingly as I can. My tech was a fucking deamon. I mean it. I was so drugged I couldn't hold my head up, and that woman still managed to hurt me with that wand. I mean, big time. I almost cried. And I am NOT a cryer. Here I am, propped up on what I dubbed the cheeze wedge of doom, and she manages to make me feel bad about myself while I am laying there, bleeding all over myself, whimpering in pain because apparently the word "gentle" is not in her vocabulary. No, don't mind me mam. I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you. I know I'm not a glowing expectant mother, so go ahead and make me feel like shit. She probably assumed I was miscarrying, or I had an abortion or something. She was pretty rough.

Kitten was pissed because when it was all over, the woman asked why I thought I needed Kitten's help int he bathroom to clean up. Well, I can't even stand upright, you just maimed me, I'm in so much pain the drugs are wearing off, and I'm covered in blood from navel to knee. Maybe, just maybe, I need assisatnce. Oh, she was mean. And Kitten had to ask for a clean gown for me, even though it looked like I had slaughtered a goat in my lap; because of course, through all of this hospital experience, I was not allowed to wear even a pad to protect myself from my blleding. Gross.

After my ultrasoundI was also treated to a pelvic exam, which, you know, I wasn't too afraid of. I should ahve been. Apparently, I've been spoiled with doctors who warm their hands in water, warm the tools, use plenty of lubrication and treat me gently. You know, being a lesbian and all, my doctors usually wont open those stupid tong looking things to the widest setting because IT HURTS ME. Not like I'm getting a whole lot of large object down there, in fact, the stupid ultrasound wand was pretty painful for me because of its size. No, no, no, not this ER doc. She was very, uh, cold. And efficient, and not concerned about my pain. At all.

I never thought I'd say this, but I should have requested male doctors. They're way more gentle because they have to be.

After all this nonsense, a UA and a cup of juice, and a grand total of nearly 11 hours in the ER and here's what I discovered: I have bad periods. My periods are escalated by the fact that I have cycts on my left ovaary. One of them might have torn, which may or may not have caused my increased pain and bleeding. This is apparently totally normal. If I go to my regular doctor, she can put me on birth control so the cysts will reduec in size. They packed me off with a prescription for Trammadol (which is awesome for killing pain, but highly addictive. I've only had three since I left because I'm trying to be a tough bitch) and a note to tell my work I was in the ER and not to fire me.

Crap.

The worst part? I still bled for ten days. I thoguht I had stopped at day 6, which I was delighted about, at least some bonus for having to deal with all that. Nope...two days later I started all over again. Bitter.

I will say this, I was really aware of how loved I am. Kitten took a day off work to be with me in the hospital. I got messages on my phone and facebook from friends and coworkers, who had (it turns out) hounded Kitten and Oscleot for updates on my condition for the entire time I was in the hospital and even a couple of days afterwards. Hedgewitch had what she calls faithful dog syndrome, and came up to the ER to sit with me while I was waiting to get my tests done, though to be frank, I remember she sounded like she had a cold, she was wearing blue scrubs and I think she held my hand for a while, but I was so out of it, I don't remember much more. I even got a kiss on the forehead from Flyguy at work, who was sweet enough to tell me he was really worried about me in a rather reproachful tone that indicated maybe I shouldn't scare him like that again. He came to sit with me Monday night too, and made me go to bed when my meds kicked in. It was nice of him.

I'll say this. I don't want to go on birth control. I hate what it does to your body. I don't want my hormones messed with. I don't want to pay for it, and honestly, I think its stupid because one of the beauties of being a lesbian is I dont have to take that shit because I can't get pregnant. Sigh. Then again, I really, really don't want to go through that again.

I've spent the last two weeks recovering, because I'm still really tired. Hell, nine of those days I was still on my period. I've been dealing with the side effects of the meds they gave me, which mostly involve me needing a lot more fiber, because they block you up something fierce,which - suprise- causes cramps!

Anyway, I'm almost back on task. I'm ready for Beltane, which is next week. I'm preparing a ritual for Litha with Sakura now. I've gotten back to journaling and meditating, although my meditating is no-space meditating. No visions for me, just quiet and white light, so I can focus on healing myself.

I know is no excuse, but at least now you know why I've been so quiet. Sitting at the computer was a challege, so now that I'm mobile, and useful again, I might have soemthing new and interesting to tell you. Maybe. Or, at least, somethign that doesn't have to do with ym malfunctioning girl parts.

Take care, y'all
AGxx

Sunday morning is every day for all I care

I'm back, and I still have plenty on my mind. I just finished dinner, and I'm pretty proud to say I ate most of it. For those of you who don't see me on a day to day basis (and I swear, I'm not looking for sympathy, I jsut feel like bitching about it) I've spent most of this summer sick as hell. Its not really a cough cough kind of sick. In fact, I have a high suspiscion that if I went to the doctor they'd tell me I am stressed out and need to take some time off. Yeah, riiiight. Here's the thing- I've been getting more headaches, I think I've mentioned that a few times. Most of them are a result of my blood sugar being all out of whack. Most of that is a result of my inability to eat anything decent.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a foodie. Me going off food has been one of the great tragedies of the summer. I love eating in summer because there are so many fun things out there. Unfortunately, everything tastes terrible. To be honest, everything tastes like blood. Its gross. The only thing I can seem to eat is fresh fruit and vegetables, which is nice, but not a balanced diet for someone like me. I need meat. I need protein. It all tastes awful. As a result, I'm spending more and more time feeling lethargic. I spent most of last night on my couch unable to even lift my arms to grab my water. When I do eat, I'm lucky to force down half of my meal, and nine times out of ten, I get sick to my stomach afterwards. I'm thinking of buying stock in charmin.

Long story short, I've gone from about 155 pounds, a healthy weight for my height and age, given my muscle mass, to about 120. Not cool. At all. And while I love looking like a bean pole, I know in my heart it isn't healthy. My size 2 work pants are getting roomy. Tiger has taken to force feeding me shakes laced with Ensure and Whey Protein. Gross. But I always feel better after, so they must be doing something right.

While laying in bed, contemplating how much it sucks not to be up and about in the evening when the temprature finally dips below 100 degrees, I got to talking to Oscelot about first impressions. Naturally, we got to talking about our first impression of eachother. Turns out, she thought I was sophisticated, because of my extensive knowledge of books and my vocabulary. I don't necessarily agree with her, but it was flattering. She mentioned that I went on "my book rant" which I apprently do any time Ihave someone over for the first time. I show them our extensive library and tell them all about my favorites. I got a huge kick out of this. Kitten verified I do indeed have a book rant. It made me laugh.

I had some people come in to Casa Bueno yesterday that did not make me laugh. Now, I will preface this with a disclaimer. I didn't feel good and that makes me testy. However, I think these people earned my ire. They were stoned. Big time. Like, I could have gotten a contact high from them, they smelled that badly of weed. They were jerks, and they made my life difficult. They were all (yes, all of them, down to the baby in diapers) wearing various shirts advertising the Christian faith.

Now, before you get all riled up and think I hate Christians- that's simply not true. I think its wonderful that there are people out there who gain consolation and faith through that religion. I do. I also think there are a lot of wonderful Christians out there who do many great things for humanity. But I also think there's a lot of jerks like these guys who set a terrible example.

Now, I did mention this to my co-workers, and we postulated everything from they were atheists masquerading a Christians to they went to the local clothing donation place and those were the shirts they got and they all happened to wear them on the same day...we tried to make excuses for them. But the fact is, wearing those shirts and acting like that give all people of that faith a terrible name.

And honestly, I think Christians get a lot more slack than they sometimes deserve. Now, I've been accused before of being insensetive to other people's feelings and religions, so I might as well tell you this part might be worth skipping if you're sensetive. Seriously. I know I don't have a filter, and sometimes I don't word things as gently as I could. But this is my space, and its my right to say what I like here. That said, onward.

Now, I know there are bad Wiccans out there. I know there are other religions out there that do terrible things. I do. And I disapprove of them. Every last one of them from their dirty spellbooks, to their strange cultish ways to their whatever it is they do. I think there's plenty of press out there for that. I know there are Muslim extremists out there. And they are bad people. But there are just as many out there who are good people who have a better sense of morality than most Americans, Christian or not. You never hear about them. I know there are bad Wiccans out there- people who scam for money and charge for spells that don't work. I know there are people out there who use Neo-paganism as an excuse to inflict harm on them. You hear plent about them too. But you hardly ever hear of a Wiccan group doing good. Why is that? I mean, I live in a really, really big city in my state. Its like, the third biggest. I frequent the occult stores, I'm groovy, and I cant even *find* an active coven in this area because they've all gone to ground for fear of persecution.

What really yanks my chain is that every time a local Christian church does something even remotely miniscule for the community, its front page news. I'm annoyed by the fact that people assume that because I am not a Christian, I can't be a good person. I'm annoyed that because I work on Sundays people assume have no faith, and that I must be a bad person because I'm not at the local Baptist church up the street. It yanks my chain that there are local and national corporations and restaurant chains that actively discriminate against anyone who isn't just like them, and it never gets press because they're allowed to do it for "religious" reasons. I'm sorry, I don't think Cracker Barrell, a publicly traded company, has any right to not hire me or refuse to serve me because I'm gay, or a pagan or any other reason. Its awful. And the minute I start up a restaurant chain that wants to be exclsive to other religions or walks of life, I know I'd have city council on me like a duck on a june bug. Hell, there are people who are kicking up a fuss because a local restaurant is moving to 18 and up at night.

I'll hand it to my boss, the other night (Sunday, actually) I came in to work in the morning. I've been working Sunday nights recently, and he noticed and said it was unusual to have me in the mornings. I told him it was nice, since it was a religious holiday for me, so I could spend time with my coven that evening. He seemed suprised, then upset that I hadn't asked off for the holiday, and then he looked horrified and asked if I had asked off and not gotten it. I simply laughed, and told him it wasn't a big deal. his sensetivity is nice. It is. But I was frank with him when I said if I asked off for every Sabbat, Esbat and any other occasion I had need to practice, I would never be able to work. (you know, retrogrades, coming out of a retrograde, fun stuff like that) Plus, I know better than to ask off for our biggest day of the year, because Halloween is impossible to get off in our store. It just is. I know better. But I also know I can practice as I am able. So he gets bonus points.

The misconceptions, though, they bother me. I mean, most of my coworkers know about my faith, and they seem truly tolerant. They take it as a matter of course, even if they don't agree with it, and some seem truly interested. One of them the other day accidentaly outted me from the "broom closet" as it were to one of our regular customers. I didn't mind. I've known him for four years, he's pretty familiar with my lifestyle and personality. I trusted him to be cool about it. You know what his response was? "Wiccan? Like, she's a witch and worships Satan?" I rolled my eyes and asked him if he honestly thought I was that stupid. He wants me to fill him in, and I will, when I have the time. But the fact is, it bothers me to think that someone who knows me relatively well would assume because I am a witch that means I worship the devil. Ignorance is such a terrible thing, especially in people who are otherwise really intelligent. It makes me sad.

For the record, yeah, I am a witch. I say Witch the way most people say Christian. Its the title for the people who practice my faith. And no, I don't worship Satan. I don't even believe in Satan. I think you give evil power when you name it, and to make something that is supposed to be evil a diety in your faith....I think its dangerous. I think the evil in this world comes from humans, who choose to make bad decisions and blame them on anything but themselves so they can't be held accountable. Which brings me full circle. I do my very best to be a good person, and to love humanity, and to be patient. I know I have my failings, but I try, every day, to be better than I was before. I know where I stumble and I humbly ask my coven and Spirit to help me be better, to try harder. But if you asked most people who live in my area, I'm going to hell and I am damned eternally because I don't believe in their god. But those jerks, high as kites, children in tow, exposing them to crassness and poor morality, they get a free ticket into heaven because they go to the right church and believe in the right god. Its silliness. I think good Christians are going to be rewarded. I do. But I also think the people of other faiths can be rewarded for their goodness as well.

I get angry when I think of it. Not healthy, really, because anger is and always will be one of my big trouble spots. I can help it, if I try, but it takes a lot of work.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox and let you get back to being good people. I know you are. And if I might ask the favor, if you pray, or light candles, or whatever it is you do, if you have the time- think of me. I want to get better. That's the first step. But a little help never hurts.

I love you all, as I hope to love everyone.
AGxx