Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

Advance warning, I'm going to be chatting about some not so family friendly stuff today. If a TMI post isn't your style...bail now.  Oh, and thank you, I like the new layout too. I was sick of the trees.

So, have you ever had a dream that just left you a little...dazed? I had one of those last night. Well, this morning. Normally my dreams don't phase me. Being a witch, I put a lot of stock into the things I dream and I dream pretty frequently. I don't normally have a hard time remembering what I dream, and I am usually pretty good at telling you what my dreams mean. Anyone in my coven can tell you that, I'm pretty sure I've done dream interpretation for most of them at this point.

This morning...this morning was different. The more I think of it, the more I try to convince myself it was nothing more than a half-lucid product of my imagination...a combination of things that resulted in what I was dreaming about. I tell myself that chatting about a vampire novel last night, plus me chatting about a fantasy novel this morning before I fell asleep on the couch, plus me working on a clothing design project added to me getting kisses from my wife and idly thinking of a couple of my friends resulted in this very weird dream. I can almost tell myself that.

Except it was...more. You know that I am an intensely sexual person. I make no protest over it, I don't hide it. When I'm not being a huge glutton I am walking, talking, thinking and breathing sex. Its the truth. Not in an overt way but its never too far from my mind. And normally a sex dream is just that to me- an expression of my desires. I leave it at that. But when its in the incredibly odd context this one came in, and there was more than just my wife and those others were people I know and not, you know, Robert Downy Jr. or Michelle Rodriguez...it gives me pause. And I'm having a lot of trouble escaping this one.

 The dream takes place in what I can only call an alternate reality because there were beings and things that happened that are not possible on this plain. And before you all start shouting that this was happening in the astral (witch friends I'm looking at you) I'd like to point out that I am relatively certain that at least two of the people in the dream were awake and not meditating so unless I'm really cool and able to call parts of them to the astral while they are out and about in their daily lives...not possible. Also one of the men in the dream was a guy I went to grade and high school with and I've seen him twice since I gradated and I am fairly certain he hasn't thought of me since the last time I saw him. I'd be shocked if he had. (Come to think of it, I saw one of his dad's real estate signs yesterday...maybe that's where he came from.)

Anyway these things that weren't...well, I'd say they were vampires but that's not really correct. I mean, they liked biting and all, but it wasn't a bloodletting thing. It was more a drawing on essence kind of thing, if that makes sense. I'm just calling them Biters. They were very, very beautiful. Very beautiful. It was certainly inhuman.

We're in this, well, rather like an old fashioned circus tent. The canopy is made of this lavish red material and there's goldenrod colored embroidery all over the walls. One side is open and I can look out over what looks like a field. There are very clearly other humans out there, doing strange things in water and on obstacle like courses and they're all very fit. I can recall as I watch in the dream that I've just been out there. Looking back in my mind, I can see that I am also very fit. My hair is longer than usual and its black- this is fairly common, I almost always see myself this way when I dream. I know in my mind that I've done well and I am pleased with how I've been performing. This has something to do with the Biters, but I couldn't tell you know if my motivation was to impress them or to gain their approval or what. But there I was.

At one point I get up and I cross the room to chat with the guy I went to high school with (whom I will now refer to as Mohave Martini) and I make both of us a drink while we talk. Its nothing of consequence that we talk about, I can recall that. He's being pleasant and I am cordial with him. I get the impression he is more concerned about what I think of him, which makes no sense in a realistic, real world context because he was always really well liked in school- popular, really- and I was a nobody. I know in my dream I make him a martini- vodka, in an iced highball glass, extra dry and so dirty its x-rated (hence his name. true story, this is actually how he liked his drinks, that I remember this even in my dreams having not seen him in about 4 years is frightening). When I leave to go back to Kitten and the Biters where I came from he kisses my palm and almost sort of bows, but its more with the neck and shoulders.

Before I get into much more of the dream I want to (1) give you another moment to bail, because its about to get more intense and (2) talk about palm kisses. Still here? Okay. So I love palm kisses. I think they're deliciously sensual and absolutely beautiful. If they show up in a dream its almost always a signal things are about to get hot. To me they're one of the best places to kiss. Generally, we're more sensitive in our hands (psychically speaking) than anywhere else. So for me, there's a greater potential for feeling the transfer of emotion. On top of that, its not a common place to kiss and its a gesture to me that signals not only passion and affection, but respect as well. Truly, if I offer to kiss your palm I admire you very much indeed, and not always sexually, but in a way that speaks of deep caring and fathomless emotion. I can think of maybe a handful of people I would kiss on the palm of my own volition. There's plenty who's fingertips or hands I would kiss, as a gesture of respect....but palms? I have to truly love you to do that.

At this point in the dream I've gotten myself a very lovely palm kiss. I'm aware enough of the dream to know what's happening, its almost like a dreamscape. I head back over to the area I came from which has several fainting couches, what most people now call "chaise lounges" I think. Tacky name. Anyway. There's several of them and a few low lying tables. When I arrive there is a male that I know and am very, very fond of (well call him Fine Sir) and he is standing by these couches clearly waiting for me. He pulls me into a hug and its one of those where you touch from the soles of your feet all the way to your shoulders. I draw his palm to my lips (and at this point in the dream I know beyond a doubt we're lost when it comes to adult content) and kiss it. He responds by kissing the hollow at my throat. These are done almost like a greeting, so I sit down after. I'm sitting with my back against Kitten's chest and we're reclining on one of the benches. Its not terribly innocent either, there's definitely some possessive petting and holding going on. Nothing territorial, but in that way that clearly marks you're around people you don't mind to see you making out.

Kitten, Fine Sir and myself are chatting with a beautiful Biter. Really beautiful. As we're chatting another person walks by and they've got beautifully tinted skin. I remark on it and Beautiful Biter tells me that its very common. Cue typical teasing about the fact that I am out of the loop. I ask how its done and I get a description from Beautiful Biter that indicates it is done by magick. As the biter is telling me, Kitten is stroking my arm and where she strokes a lovely pink and lavender snakeskin patter emerges. I am feeling no small amount of wonder at this. I hold my arm out to Fine Sir in delight and he joins us on the couch, He lifts me gently so that I am sort of in his lap but not- my body resting against Kitten and my legs sort of propped around his waist on one side so that he is very close. Its rather hard to describe. Kitten and Fine Sir are petting me and admiring this new pattern even as it begins to fade.

Beautiful Biter moves over to us, kneeling on the floor and explaining how the magic works, which is pretty well some sort of essence exchange with the biters, and it makes feelings more intense between you and the people you care about. Apparently I've done something that makes Beautiful Biter like me very much and he offers to let me experience the exchange, which gives me some measure of control over this magic. I look to Kitten, who seems not to mind because she nods and so I offer Beautiful Biter my hand. He bites me at the apex of my thumb and first finger, with my palm facing his mouth. The biting is intense, seriously intense and it hurts me for just a moment (honestly, this hand has been sore all day in that spot, its weird). As soon as the exchange starts happening....I honestly lose words on how it feels. What I can tell you is that Kitten gasped and her eyes were tearing up over the emotion she and I were sharing. Fine Sir, who apparently until this moment in the dream really didn't know how much I cared for him, looked down at me with wide eyes. His hands grip my hips and he asked me, "My dear, sweet girl, what have you done?" I look into Beautiful Biter's eyes as Fine Sir and Kitten wrap me up in this glorious cocoon of love and heat and I see him glowing brilliantly and I know I am too. The feeling I am experiencing is so close to ecstasy that I want to cry out.

And that, my friends, is when I wake up. And when I start puzzling about the dream, because really, what in the hell? Nothing super sexual but I swear to god when I woke up I felt like I had been teased to the point of crazy for hours. I mean, I had been sleeping for almost two hours, but seriously...I've been puzzling it out all day and I'll be damned if I can figure out what it means.  What I do know is that it feels like it meant something, but it may have just been a very beautiful, very weird, intensely erotic dream about two people that I love very much with some seriously odd stuff thrown in because that's how my brain works.

I'm at a loss. Any of you witchy sorts, feel free to have a stab at it if you want. Or non-witches. Or you can just laugh at how silly I can be over a dream.

I'm back to telling myself its just a weird sex dream.

Yeah, that's it....
AGxx

Drinking the Dawn

The sun was being born, brilliant and startling and I was in your arms. I was being remade, strange and trembling as I felt you all around me. And there, in that moment, I felt my pulse like I never had before. It beat in my lips and against my chest in a frightening display of rebellion and ecstasy. I could feel the room flashing about me as my eyelids fluttered and I was undone.

The room spun, and it took you with me- tumbling over again and again as I learned myself from the tips of your lips. I took each lesson, a long drink at your mouth, and found I was drunk on the feeling of you knowing who I am. I could see it in your eyes and the flash of your teeth as you smiled down on me and tore through me with speed and accuracy.

I find myself wondering idly what you saw in my eyes in that moment.

I could tilt my head back and beyond the brilliance of the sun, and the spinning, and the light that danced up from out of my mouth and into yours; I could look up and see the dust in the sky, the shadows of each planet and the stars hiding their faces. The heat of that moment was too much for them to bear. I felt their pulse too, and only in fleeting moments can I remember it without the pain they surely felt at seeing us together.

That moment, with you, I could feel the earth open up and wrap itself around me, just as you had. I could feel my hands and my feet and my nails and my hair being bound up in it, tight- so tight that I almost stopped completely. I can hear now that soft escaping sigh, the release so quiet I could hardly confess it, and I remember the feeling of the earth, your skin, coming up soft and sweet smelling between my fingernails.

I remember like the wind, the way my hair fell, tangled and confused as you took me over. Soft, tossed, like silk spun in secret at twilight it carried its own whisper. Never stop. Never go. This is too much, and enough and I am so soon empty and aching for more of what I've lost. Gather me up, hold me tight, braid me into a tale of sweetness and perfection I cannot believe but must.

There's a soft velvet purring in my chest. The sun rises higher in the sky. I close my eyes, I wait for dark. I wait for you. There is nothing but this moment, my memory, my heartbeat and the hope of another dawn with you.

AGxx


Postscript-

As you can see, I sat down to write a normal post and nonsense came out instead. My apologies. I'll be returning to my regularly scheduled redundancy as soon as possible.

Does anyone have any topic suggestions?

Dreams of Burning

Its about that time of year. Independence Day. Its actually not my favorite holiday. I'm not huge on celebrating it. Now, before you call me unpatriotic, its not that at all. Despite the faults of the US, I know I'm lucky to live in a country where I have rights I might not have elsewhere.

Honestly, its more the fireworks than anything. I don't like them all that well. Now, big fireworks shows where you sit on a blanket in the grass and watch from afar- those I don't mind. In fact, later this evening I'll be able to see soemthing like that from my front porch because they are doing one of those community events in our downtown area.

I just dont like them up close and personal. I've played with my fair share of them, no question. About four years ago I went out into the country with Rogue to a friend of ours farm and we shot some off. I was even stupid enough to hold a roman candle in my hand while it was lit. I'm fine, I suppose, when a person handling them is responsible. I also have a huge penchant for fountains. Those are great because you just light them and move away and watch the pretty. I like those.

I'll tell you what I don't like though- people who are unsafe with them. And bottle rockets. And fireworks in the city. See, its a hot time of year and people in our city shoot them off between the first of july and the weeks after the holiday. It annoys me. One, its loud and when I want to sleep it pisses me off. Two, its dry. I don't want to have to wet my roof just to make sure my house doesn't catch fire because some jackass feels like they need to shoot them off inside city limits (illegal, I might add). There's any number of people I know who do other stupid things, like bottle rocket wars. Who in thier right mind thinks its cool to aim a firework that could seriously injure someone at one of their friends? Its just not my thing.

Also, a scarring personal experience I mentioned a blog or two ago. When I was about 13 i had a terrible dream the night of the fourth. I was at a strange house and I was walking around to the back yard. I saw my brother, Punk, with his eyes on fire. The dream faded, and I saw him again, his head wrapped in a white netting, patches over his eyes. He was laying down, and shaking all over. I woke screaming. I told my mom and step-dad about the dream. My parents chalked it up to me being afraid of the fireworks we had been shooting off. They told me to go back to bed.

The next year we went to a barbque at the home of some people my parents went to church with. Some of the kids were playing with a military style smoke bomb, you know, the kind that are huge, in long tubes. Punk went over to take it away from them because it was dangerous, and they were small. It exploded in his hand when he took it from one of the kids. I watched, frozen in horror as it caught his eyes on fire, just like in my dream. I saw it all over. If you've ever experienced deja vu you know the feeling I'm talking about. I knew what was happening. I knew how it would end. I fell into a mass of hysterical crying. Later, I went to see my brother in the ER. His face was bandaged just as I had seen it.

I remember two things about that night clearly. The first is that I truly began to put stock in my dreams. I had experienced it before, having a dream that happened, but this was the first time that anything truly frightening I had dreamed had come true. I remember for a time I was afraid to sleep. I told my parents over and over that night "I told you it would happen. Dont you remember?" They didn't seem to. Or they didn't want to. My faily is religious, but they tend towards the belief that anything fantastic must be blasphemous. The other thing I remember clearly is I've never liked fireworks since that time.

I would say to you, my friends, respect fire and fireworks. Be careful, whatever you do this fourth, and return back to me safely.

AGxx

I Want to Let It Go and Go For It

This is a picture of me, earlier in the week. Its also a picture of me at my most relaxed this week. Hooray for pool time.

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Seriously. I don't think I've been this tired in a long time. I was tired enough this afternoon that when the girls went out to go play around town i stayed home, pleading a nap. I was actually so tired I couldn't sleep. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes there were a million thoughts running through my head. None of them were relaxing.

I am immensly grateful that Sakura had us over to go swimming this week because I think I might have lost my mind if I hadn't. Work has been stressful. I was training all week. We have three new servers at Casa Bueno, and I'm one of the few trainers, so I had the immense pleasure of working with two of them almost every day. I think I've mentioned before, I don't really care for strangers, so having a stranger follow me around all day, and me having to talk to them and make a personal connection is more than a little taxing. Monday I was training a new guy, and I honestly didn't think he liked me all that much. He was pretty quiet, and trying to get information out of him was like trying to get through an airport in a suit made of razor blades. I had him again Friday night, and honestly, once he came out of his shell, he was great. I actually like him.

Wednesday I got to train our new sweet girl. She was helpful and nice and kind. The problem was, we were busy. Really busy. Trainees slow you down no matter how competent and awesome they are. To add stress to an already tense situation, our reigonal manager (who also happens to be the VP of our entire corporation) was visiting, and sitting right next to my incredibly full section, watching me get my ass kicked and try to teach this poor girl something at the same time. I was relatively vindicated that he told me afterwards I was a great trainer, and then went and bragged on me to my boss. I needed the ego boost.

I picked up a shift Thursday night so I could have a chance to make some money without a trainee attached to my hip. It was a relatively good night. Except I pissed off our hostess. She never says much to me, and to be honest, out of all of them I like her the least. She asked to bum a cigarette from me. I told her no, I wouldn't give her one, because she's sixteen. She asked me what my point was. I rolled my eyes and walked off. If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.

I worked a double yesterday. In the morning I was sans trainee, so I had a decent day. We were busy, I had a good time. I also happened to have a good friend texting me, and it kept me in a plesant mood. Well, it did when I had the chance to sneak off and check my phone. I trained again last night. It was fine, we weren't busy anyway. To tell the truth, I don't think he learned much, we spent a lot of the evening just chatting.

Today I woke up in a hurry because Oscelot had to run to the bank before we hit work, and its the hardest day of the week to open the store. We worked hard, my customers were...well, I could have liked them better. The new local smoking ban also started today, so no smoking on the clock. This sucked. Other resturants, including Kitten's Happy Waffle, let people sneak outside to smoke. Nope, we just don't get to anymore. By two thirty I was itching. Hopefully I will get over it, and learn to cut back. Hopefully. But its over, and tomorrow is a new day. I also get to go back to work tomorrow night and begin manager training. I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday morning before I went into work we went out of town with Kitten's mom to go see a local tourist attraction. It was about an hour drive, but we had a good time. We went and saw this stage show featuring housepets that do tricks. It was pretty cool. The cats did all sorts of things I now want mine to do (fat chance) and were completely adorable. They also had a bunch of birds that did fun stuff like ride bicycles, play basketball, you know...cheezy stuff that's fun to watch. I like birds, so it was neat to see them up close anyway. I really enjoyed it. We also stopped off at my favorite restaurant in the downtown and had lunch. I ate until I was literally sick to my stomach. So, totally worth the trip.

I've also worked on my new novel twice this last week. While I am not making a ton of progress, the fact that I've worked on it at all is good. I'm struggling through the hard parts now. I would be avoiding it with my typical flair if it weren't for my favorite genre writer, Laurel K Hamilton. She released her 20th book in the Anita Blake series last week and got to do a guest blog on the Borders website in honor of it. One day she was talking about the blank page and leaping head first into your manuscript, trusting that you and your characters will catch you. I had to make the decision that I trust myself, and the people I am writing, enough to make mistakes that can be fixed later. I have to trust my betas and my friends to point out where I go wrong, once I finally get it finished. The thing is, if I don't finish...I'll never know. I've got to get back on the horse.

So this week I've been facing my big fear in writing-human emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have a complete and total disconnect to the way people really think and feel. To me its important that not only the writing be organic, but the emotion be natural too. So I've sat and dreaded what I'm about to do to my characters, and I've contemplated how they feel and how they will react. I've written a little, and I've thought a lot. Now I have to dive in, completely let go, and trust that I can capture the feeling on the page. It takes a lot of faith in yourself to do that. I think I can. No- I know I can. Even if I have to work at it.

I know where my story is going. I know where my characters end up. I know what they are thinkign and how. Now all I have to do is get it on the paper. With so few chapters left, I think if I really push myself, I could be done by the end of June or early July, which gives me time this summer to tear it to shreds and rewrite it a few times. If I work at it. Someone is going to have to keep after me. But if I have someone there to do it for me, and I can find the will inside myself, I think I can have this thing polished and ready to go by the end of the year. That's the goal anyway.

Speaking of goals, Oscelot and I were talking when we went skating this week, and I think there's a possibility of me hitting the books, just a little, in a year or so. I could at least take a few classes, get back in the swing, and start working again. I would love it. I have so many friends that are getting close to their degrees, and they talk about how sick of school they are and all I can think is how jealous I am. I've been really contemplating it- how far I want to go, what I will do for money that isn't writing books, what job I could get and what jobs I might want. I've been working on the ideas for masers and doctoral papers, what I would want to discuss, what I would want to specialize in. Its exciting. Its a beautiful thought, that this dream might actually happen for me. Of course, thinking about it means I worry about it, so I try to only daydream it from time to time.

There are possibilities now, though, that weren't there a few days ago. It makes me really happy.

I'm exhausted. Its time for me to sleep. I wanted to tell you all about how we gave our cats their summer bath tonight, but I'll have to save it for another day.

Here's to living the dream (and for once, I'm not being sarcastic) This coming week, take a moment, think about what you really, really want. If its within reach, if you can work for it, go for it. Take those first steps. And if I can, as your blogger pal, do anything to encourage you or help you, tell me. Some of you have been with me a long time. We've been working for the things we want for years. Your support, your friendship, have driven me through some seriously bad stuff. Your support and friendship have seen me through that first novel. You'll see me through my second. And hopefully through them all.

I love you all.

Live the dream.

Seriously.

AGxx

Also, you might notice, I have two new people in my blogroll. Gayle is an excellent writer friend of mine, whom is very dear to me, and also bery talented. And very published. (I couldnt be prouder to be her friend) She writes about her writing. You'll like it. Especially if you write. New Pound Glory is one of our local rollergirls. She's a rookie, and learning to live the derby dream. She's also learning balance, hard work, tough adult choices, and how to reach for the things you want. I just recently stumbled on her blog. She's a fantastic read.