There Isn't a Song Lyric To Express how Crazy and Wonderful My Family Is

Family seems to be that secret that we hold really close to the chest as adults. You never really think about it, but all those holidays together are something you may reminisce about but aren't necessarily something you share.

As you get older, that part of yourself is something that reserved for you, maybe your significant other (if they tolerate family gatherings and you still go to them) but by and large you never sit down with your friends and share about your family. Its a shame, really, because I think our families really influence who we are as as adults and its impossible to escape that influence. Sometimes I don't think we even really register the magnitude of how they influence our worldview.

I've been thinking more about this recently. Part of this reflection was brought on by an envelope of photos I brought home from my grandmothers to show Kitten- many of them were from when I was a little girl. Another contributor was our recent viewing (mine, twice) of August: Osage County. During the film Kitten leaned over to me and whispered "This is like watching a documentary of your family." I was also reflecting on how our family changes how people view us while talking to one of my coworkers today. I had been telling her about Sakura's first holiday with my family and his reaction to them. She was dying laughing. Personally, before Sakura's visit to my family Christmas I knew we were a little different from some families but it never occurred to me how much until then. That was also about the time that I realized how different I am from most of my family members in personality as well. I always knew I was one of the odd ducks in the family (maybe even to some extent the black sheep for a few years) but their cohesiveness was a shock when I honestly started to reflect on it.

To understand how different my family is I think you have to look at how unique we are to start with. My family is pretty large, by most family standards. (That picture, by the way, is my cousin Red, my brother Punk and me, respectively, being held by my grandmother sometimes in the early 80's. My guess would be '86 or so, if I had to wager) My mom has five sisters, all of them with the exception of my Aunt Dancer had at least two children. My grandmother has several sisters as well. Her youngest is within a year of my mom's age. Her son JD and daughter JJ, whom I call my cousins, are actually my first cousin once removed and JJ now has a daughter (my second cousin Iris, who is tiny and adorable). To my best knowledge my grandma has three living sisters- this may be inaccurate since I don't have a super firm grasp on my family history (don't judge me my family is HUGE). I additionally have family members that could be called in Southern terminology "kissing cousins" (that means they don't have direct blood relations to me but I consider them to be part of my family anyway- e.g. my Aunt's stepson is a kissing cousin). And don't buy in to all that Yankee hooey about how that's just a family member who is close enough to exchange a kiss in formal greeting- my family is southern and we're going to use those rules. Plus we'll get to the whole kissing thing in a little because my family KISSES and that's another animal entirely. So I have this nice, big family and we, for most of my childhood, piled into my great-grandmother or my grandmother's house every year for holidays (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, sometimes for no good reason at all) so we could spend time together. I also come from a really unique place in that for a few years of my life I shared a bedroom with one of my younger aunts when we lived in my grandmother's house. I look at my aunts more like sisters, which confuses things a little more, I suppose. I find myself often in a strange position- inhabiting a no man's land where I am not part of the older generation (though I am equally close to some of my aunts in age as I am my cousins) and I am old enough that I remember the births of and even babysitting as a teenager some of my cousins who are technically in "my generation" of the family.

Suffice to say, my family is all up in each other's space, all the time, no question. Once my mom remarried I never lived more than three blocks from my grandparents- in the same neighborhood always. I spent a significant part of my childhood in my grandparents home even after we moved out. My Aunt Dancer for a while lived up the street from my grandparents and it wasn't until a few years ago when my Aunt Priestess moved away with her husband and daughters (Lovey and Cowgirl) to Oklahoma that any of us lived more than a fifteen or twenty minute drive across-town from each other- excepting, of course, when my Aunt Buddy went to college in Kansas. Even stranger, for a lot of people, I've known most of my uncles who married into my family for a long time as well. Priestess married her high school sweetheart (they just celebrated their 25th anniversary) and Buddy and her husband met while she was in college and I was still in grade school when they married. There's never been a time in my life when my family- even the extended part- were beyond a day's drive. We're an up close, in your face, tell me all about it honey kind of family.

That in and of itself makes us a rarity, even in the Midwest where larger families are common.  But it wasn't until recently that the culture of my family, which is distinctly Southern, was something I was terribly aware of.  Sakura says it was a surprise when he met them two years ago (I was sick with a migraine and drugged out of my mind as a result, Kitten was at work and I needed a way to get to the Christmas party so Sakura did me a solid and came to get me) because he thought they would be like me. To wit "I was expecting a reserved, proper, northeastern, Huxtable kind of family. I walked into The Clampett Family Christmas." My mom was hugely offended when I laughingly told her about this- though I took no offense at all. Sakura was simply trying to express the shock he felt when he realized that one of his best friends (a relatively quiet, introverted, polished person- yes, me) came from a loud family full of kisses, cuddles and let me get you a sweet tea and fix you a plate honey. There's nothing wrong with it- but if you're not expecting it, its a shock, I'm sure.

And nothing is more surprising than walking into a room (we rent a community room now- we're too big for anyone's house) full of people shouting good naturedly, elbowing each other in the food line and chasing down toddlers when you're expecting a nice polite clam bake. We eat, too, make no mistake. I didn't know until recently that its odd to have more than one turkey at Christmas. I didn't know its not normal to have to empty out bedrooms so there's room to set up card tables because the main table (a 12 seater, mind you) is full, the long card tables set all along the dining room wall are full and there's no more room on the stove, the kitchen counters or the two dessert carts my grandparents dug out to stick all the cookies, pies and cakes on in the pantry were all full. Now that we have a community room its not odd for my aunts to carry in three or four crockpots and chafing dishes to go with all the cold food and dips and vegetables and whatnot. My cousins even cook. No kidding- Aunt Buddy's youngest  Colorgirl made a soup last family gathering that was so good I wanted to cry and she's in her second year of high school. Even my boy cousin's cook. And if you bring a date- if they're going to fit in chances are they'll cook too. JJ's husband makes prime rib to die for and my cousin Mustang brought his girlfriend to Christmas (her second family gathering) and she didn't have to be told to bake cookies. She just did. They were delicious by the way.

So I'm sure Sakura was taken aback- in part by all the food and in part by the determination of my family to feed him. I may have been to sick too eat (and that was debatable since I had thrown up from the dizziness and had "plenty of room in my stomach") but by god Sakura was not. And no kidding they drug him to the table and fed him and fed him and kept his drink full. Nevermind he had eaten before he came. He wasn't just my ride. In my family its unspoken but true- if you're willing to bring someone to meet them then they are family too, like it or not. Sakura was family and when we get together we eat. No ifs ands or buts about it. Truthfully, I laughed my ass off this year when several of my family members were horrified that I had not told him when the party was because of course he was going to come- he came last year didn't he? They were even dismayed that Oscelot (by then my ex) and her lovely girlfriend Bobcat didn't come because Oscelot is family and that Bobcat sounds like a nice girl and when do we get to meet them? Truthfully I think my family will love Bobcat- she cooks on caliber with my family's best and that's saying something.

On top of that my family is by nature loud. They are affectionate. Oh yes, the kissing. You know, my younger cousins don't do this so much, it might be a generational thing, but growing up everyone kissed. I mean, I'll get a peck on the cheek from my cousins I'm close to and everyone hugs- like full body crack your spine hugs- but I mean my family kisses hello and goodbye. On the mouth. All the time. Think nothing of it. It never occurred to me until way later in my life (I had an ex point it out, maybe ExBeloved) that I realized that this is not how a lot of families interacted.  My aunts and my grandparents and any of the older generation still do it and I do when I'm with them and I don't feel weird or ashamed about it. I know some people have implied that its unhealthy. But it never bothered me. It might also explain why I have such a small personal space when it comes to my friends. I grew up in a house with two bathrooms and sometimes up to six women. Personal space didn't exist. My aunt went into labor on the same night as my mom's first date with her second husband- while he was picking her up (Lovey, if you're reading, it was you...). My family kisses on the mouth and swats on the ass and pinches with their toes and why in heaven's name would I have a personal space when I grew up expecting that if you're with people you love you pile on top of them and give them hell?

The Easter Lovey was four or five my uncles dumped a kiddie pool of water on my aunts and chased them around the yard while Lovey chased me around the yard in her powerwheel. As close as we are now she would probably be horrified to know my clumsy ass fell and she ran over me with that damn thing. But she did. (Swear, Lovey, I don't hold a grudge. Its funny now.)

My family is privy to some of my most private moments. Some of my most embarrassing. Some of the most moving. It was my family that was there to pick spiders out of my hair when I ran afoul of an opus in my Grandma's yard (hence my severe arachnophobia for nearly two decades). It was my aunts that took me away from the horrible scene they were making the year my parents split up- Christmas, mind you- and my father came to the party to try and take us from our mom. It was my aunts who fought for me. My grandfather and my uncles who protected me. My grandparents who gave us somewhere to go. When I became a dancer at a downtown club when I was 18 I had family show up (like it was a dance recital or a school exhibition!) on my first night. My grandmother bought me my first pair of pasties and my first pair of leather boots. It is my family who helped me through my coming out process. My family came for all my karaoke contests. They showed up and ate when I was having a sales contest at work. I have worked as a coworker with three different generations of my family now- and it wasn't that bad, really. It was my family who helped me when I hit bottom, twice, and had nowhere to go and no way out from my mistakes.

Its the absolutely insane level of nosiness that spurs my family to offer dating advice on women. Its what makes them call me to make sure I know that we're always welcome, damn the conservatives and what they say (neveryoumind that some of them are conservative too!). Its my family who pushes me to be my best, who call with good natured nagging when I'm not getting along with someone else (a rarity more and more, thank god). It is my beautiful family who watched my romance with Kitten develop and who felt no compunction stalking her through Walmart when she was shopping before coming home to me even though they'd never met her, debating with each other whether or not they should introduce themselves.

And my family's kinks, quirks, oddities, secrets, histories, dramas and fights that make me so understanding of the troubles of others. It is what has given me the little compassion and empathy I possess and it is their level of unconditional love that I one day aspire to have. It is my family that reminds me that I am human. It is my family that reminds me that I need forgiveness as much as they do sometimes. But if ever there is a time when I need a second chance, forgiveness, help or acceptance I know I can get it from them. And it is that certainty that makes me want to share them with the people I love despite those links, quirks, oddities and dramas. Because after years of wondering where the hell I fit in with them I've come to realize that I am my family to my friends.

That's the one thing you can count on from me. I'm going to cheer for you. Loan you what money I can. Clean your house when you break your leg, bring you soup when no one else will because you have bird flu. I'm the person they'll come to when they need to bitch about work, or a friend. When time comes for a life changing decision, I know my friends are going to use me as a sounding board. If no one understands or they need a cry, a couch to crash on, or they need a dinner because the paycheck is three days away and they can't take one more bologna sandwich or packet of ramen; its my house you come to. I'm proud of that. I'm delighted that after all these years of wondering if I was ever going to be able to truly cope with my family and fit in I've discovered that they are a significant part of who I am, and have been all my life. I'd just never noticed.

Everybody Changes

So it seems again like I am a lazy blogger, but honestly, things have been so crazy, I really feel like I've been a bit justified.

I have a job now, for one thing. I've been working at a wonderful place we'll call the Magic Pancake for about a month and a half now. I really like it and I'm super happy. Its actually one of the places I mentioned that I would miss when I leave the city I am living in now. I feel like the staff are my family and I really enjoy going to work every day. It isn't far from my house and I can walk home if I want to. Its pretty nice. I also am off by two every day because we are only open until then, so I have my afternoons free, which is really enjoyable. It gives me a chance to still see my friends, be active or get housework done before Kitten gets home.

Having a job means I have time out of the house, which makes me appreciate being at home more, if that was possible. It has also brought to my attention that I need to exercise a little more and maybe lose a little weight. No, I don't think I am fat (not when I'm being rational anyway) but I weighed myself at a friend's house a couple weeks ago and I've put on 15 pounds since I stopped smoking. Some exercise might be in order. I don't mind going up a couple of pant sizes, but I do want to be healthy. Come January I'll probably join a gym. I've been looking into the local YMCA among other places, and I think I've almost settled on them. They have a lot of good classes and there's one just a few blocks from my house. It has a pool and I'll have access to it even if I can't or don't feel like driving.

I should also probably mention the fact that Oscelot is no longer living with Kitten and I. We are no longer dating her. It is (so far) a pretty amicable split. She and Bobcat are moving into the house next door to us, which should be a good time. We've been wanting Bobcat to come back over to our side of town for a while now and it was very convenient that the house was open when Oscelot was looking for a place. It will, I hope, turn out well. If it doesn't...well, it happens. We are trying as hard as we can to smooth the way for all of us. We don't want any of that nasty picking sides or whatever that comes from a lot of breakups.

Personally, I think it is wonderful for her that she feels ready to be on her own and support herself. I think it is a huge step for her to want more for herself than Kitten and I could have given her. She deserves to be happy and be with a person who is entirely devoted to her.

Since Oscelot has been moving out I've spent a lot of time going through things and arranging the house. We got a new bed with a really firm mattress and that's nice. I am sleeping better already. That pillowtop....ich.

Otherwise, I've spent some time enjoying the BBC series Sherlock (yes, I've just started watching) and Kitten and I have been trying to have little dates on the weekend. Next week we're going to go see Spamalot, its showing locally. Last weekend we went to the Japanese Fall Festival at our local botanical gardens. They have a Japanese stroll garden and we really enjoyed it. There were performers from our sister city in Japan there, and we had fun. We bought weekend passes and Bobcat came with us. It was a lot of fun. Our first night out Sakura joined us as well. The second day of the festival Kitten and I went in kimono. It was really comfortable as hot as it was outside and I was delighted to have a chance to wear my kimono from our honeymoon out of the house and with its obi. It also meant I got to wear my pretty jade hair pick that Kitten gave me. She's such a sweetheart.

I'm hoping that things will settle down soon, though. I want to start working on the leather corset and greaves I was doing before I started working at the Magic Pancake, and I've got fabric for a Neo-Victorian bustle I want to wear with it. I'd like to have it finished before our local Con this year, but that's going to be up in the air. I also want to make myself a mannequin so I can do my hand-sewing on it....but that requires time, help and a TON of duct tape. Projects, projects....

So. That's me. For now.
loves
AGxx

Faithful Friends Who Are Dear To Us Gather Near To Us Once More

Its December and time to look back on the year and see how I've done and what's happened to me. I'll confess, I hadn't even thought about it until I signed on to Facebook this morning and it was offering me the album of my Top 20 Moments of 2012. Most of them weren't really top moments. So I thought I would tote up all the things that happened to me and go through them. It was an interesting job down recent memory lane.

In January I started working on a lesbian romance novel. It ended up crashing and burning later, but it was a good start to me writing more than I had before. It was also a decent idea, which I will probably use some time in the near future. For the first time in years I got seriously ill with some sort of virus, an indicator that my body has finally stopped holding up on its contract to not get sick and just punish me with migraines. Kitten and I had our birthdays and nothing too epic happened when I turned a year older. I finally blocked my ex BBD on Facebook because he started up with his stalker like tirades again. I also threatened him with an Ex Parte, he hasn't shown his face since.

In February I saw the Memphis ballet, and was moved to tears. Kitten began contemplating the out of town internship over the summer, which she thankfully ended up not taking. We had Thanksgiving in February with our friends, the first in a long line of weird themed dinner parties over the year. I discovered the Warriors series by Erin Hunter and found out there's nothing like a book about feral cats to make you cry.

In March I started gardening for the season, most notably planting more roses and plotting out a garden for veggies and herbs in the back. I reorganized the books in my library, sort of. We went to Kansas City, MO to see Katie Herzig live and despite the fact that I had a headache, had a great time. I actually met her after the show and we got pics. Sakura and I began contemplating a formal coven structure as a result of friction within the coven. Kitten was hired to work temp at Casa Bueno and Oscelot was rehired.  Oscelot celebrated her birthday.

In April I had a period so bad I was hospitalized. Turns out I had a torn cyst. Shorty had her 21st and we had a great time out with her. Not much else happened.

In May I attended my first family gathering in years because my cousin Mustang had graduated high school. I began to feel really old about it. Beltane we washed in the may dew and had a good time. The coven began changes that would eventually become a more formal structure. Ties of friendship were renewed among some of my closer friends. I learned I am a planning sort of person. I also had the first of two fights this year that resulted in me losing a friend and me discovering that I can take the higher ground when I want to. Even if I don't want to.

In June I had my wisdom teeth out. I discovered the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on YouTube and became obsessed. We got a new car, and by new I mean a 1982 Honda we call Vannessa. We wrote the coven bylaws, I met Felix, started seeing Auras on purpose and not accident. I memorized the Charge of the Goddess. I also met Sakura's mom after we sort-of formalized that agreement we'd made to move to the Rose City together soon. It became unbearably hot. We started conserving water for the gardens.

July saw us all over town. Flyguy and I had a fun time trashing a dress. We went to see James Taylor in concert and it was awesome. We went with Kitten's mom to Tulsa for a couple of days to explore art museums and learn about George Washington. I saw his teeth. No, they weren't made of wood. I had the second of my fights that lost me a friend. This particular one really hurt, but then, that sort of thing does. It got even more hot than it had been. Temps in the 100+ all the time.

August I bought a bicycle but didn't ride it much because of the heat. We threw a huge pirate themed party for Spice's birthday and had Christmas in August as well. I really, truly went to town on the bookshelves but only made it to M because I ran out of shelf space. It finally rained, finally. I went to the fair with my friends and had a blast. I hadn't been in a few years, and it was a wonderful time. I discovered we had skunk kittens hiding under our shed and that they were making friends with the cats on our porch. I put down Starkit, bless his soul, after he got hit by a car. I cried over him. He was adorable.

In September I quit my job and became a housewife. Best decision I ever made. I started working on my first romance piece for publication. I started working on costumes for our trip to the KC Renaissance Fair. I bonded with a couple of my cousins over hard times. I realized not all the crap I've been through has been for naught.

In October we went to the Ren Fair and had a great time. I came up with a brilliant novel idea. I made my first made from scratch cake and discovered I can bake so long as its complicated. We had a wonderful Samhain ritual at Kitten's moms and I felt really connected to my family. I discovered, at the same time, that I am allergic to pumpkins. I began quilting.

Last month I lost myself in the elections and in NaNoWriMo. I bonded with my wonderful beta reader KittyMammas and realized I am lucky to have access to so  many wonderful writers and a great community. I spent my first election night up all night since I turned 18 and discovered I have an awesome family who's willing to drag the couch into the library and watch live election streaming with me until 1am. I have spent a lot of time bonding with Kitten's mom, which has been great. I also spent Thanksgiving with my mom and grandma for the first time in years.

That brings us to now. Last week I got back on the submissions train and am beginning new work as a writer. I also went to see White Christmas on the big screen with friends and felt completely unashamed at my tears for the first time ever. It was awesome. Who knows how the rest of this month will turn out.

I'll say this- it has been both an awesome and really difficult year. I want to thank all the people who have supported me through all of this crazy. You've helped me grow in ways you'll never imagine. A special thanks to Sakura, Aravis, Swiss, Shorty and Felix for making this year unforgettable and bearable. You are wonderful people.

I'll Be Waiting, Time After Time

This week was a big week in news for me, as regards my dear friend Perpet. Most of you have been here long enough to know she is one of the very best friends I have ever had, if not the very best friend I ever had. She's a wonderful, caring person- not to mention a kick ass writer and a huge inspiration to me. This week was her and The Boy's four year wedding anniversary. I also found out this week that she's graduating, and she will have her master's by the end of this month. I couldn't be more proud. Seriously. Even if I had done it myself. I've never known someone who works as hard or is as brilliant as she is.

Over the last (good lord, has it been this long?) eight years, Perpet has been a great friend. We hit it off right away...she and I always had a natural rapport that has become much more than that over the years. I've seen her grow and change and become a very successful, determined woman. She was already, but man- it amazes me how much a person can apply themselves. I learned that from her. She's been there for me through a bad breakup, a terrible relationship, and I will never be more proud of who I chose to stand by me at my handfasting. She is, beyond a doubt, one of the few people I trust not only with my life, but my spirit as well. I know she is a person who can see things clearly, and who will shoot strait with me, even when she knows I don't want to hear what she has to say. Even if she is right. And she always is...

All this thinking about her has prompted me to think about friendship in general, because when you get to thinking about your best friend, you naturally think about the things that make them the person who is most close to you. I'll tell you something, I've been doing some evaluating, and I've come to the conclusion I am a damn lucky woman because I have several very, very good friends. They have taught me so much about what kind of person I am, and by watching them live, what kind of person I want to be. That's not to say I want to be just like my friends, I want to be just like me- but they do give me perspective when I need it most.

Some of the things I've learned, and been pondering over the last week:

A good friend will always love you, even when you're ugly. It doesn't matter what you're going through or where you are in your life. A good friend will stick it out with you. Perpet has done more than her fair share of this. While I'm dropping names, I might mention Flyguy and Sakura too. None of them are afraid to see me at my worst. If I had a dollar for every time one of the three of them was holding me while I was sick, or in the hospital or when I was a crying, shivering wreck I'd have a lot less bills to pay. A friend isn't afraid to see you sick, or hurting or angry. They aren't afraid to look at you when  there's nothing attractive about your appearance or your personality. I'm fortunate, because over the last few years, there have been a lot of times when I was an ugly person- I let my anger get in the way, or I let myself be sick because I didn't have the energy to be anything else. I let my fears take me over. And my friends, my very dear friends, were there the whole time, holding my hand and telling me I could get through this and of course I was beautiful to them, even if I was pale, shaky and covered in puke.

A good friend will call you on your bullshit. When you're wrecking your life they are there to tell you. Even when you don't want to listen. Even when it hurts. They love you enough to tell you. Are you mad at someone for no good reason? They'll tell you. Are you being selfish and shallow? Guess what? You're going to hear about it. Are you getting ready to make a decision that will mess your life up for a good deal of time to come? They aren't going to let you do it without telling you first that they would hate to see you do it. I'm grateful for all the times I've had someone to say "Alecya, you're being a dumbass, seriously." Most of the time they can bring me around. And when they haven't, I'm lucky they stuck it out and helped me through a mess I made all by my lonesome.

A good friend has your back, all the time. You can trust them. I can count on my hand the number of people I am not dating that I would trust with my life. Those are the people who matter most. Well, I take that back. Present company included (That's you Aravis, Mark and Swiss) I can count them on one hand. I'd say I have a few people who read this blog who would take a hit for me. Lord knows they've been there offering support and comfort when I needed it, even if they were thousands of miles away. Point is, these are the people I know I can tell my secrets to. The ones who will listen without judging me, the ones who will hold their peace and let me know that whatever it is I've got buried inside of me, they're going to help me carry that burden. When the shit hits the fan, these are the people who are going to be there, heavy object in hand, wanting to know whose ass they are going to kick first. I love them for it. These are the people I know who will help me out of a jam, loan me $10 if I need it, offer a hand when I feel like I've fallen so far I can't been seen by the world anymore. These are the people you can trust to never abandon you, no matter how bad its gotten, who only ask "what is it you need me to do?" And you know, the moment that they ask, that they'll do whatever it takes to make things right for you.

More than those things though, a good friend will make you laugh, make you smile. That's something that I think we sell short on the list of friend qualities because we take it for granted too often. The people I love most can make me smile just by seeing them. They do little things to make my day better. For example, Sakura dropped by work yesterday to see me, just because he knew it would make my day better. I love that about him. When I think I can't take another minute...he's there to bring a little sunshine into my life. I love that when I call my friends, or when I talk to them, they get to hear that full throated bark that is my excuse for a laugh, because they bring out the best in me. They make me happy, just by being near me. They're the people who always know what to say to make me smile. The people I share inside jokes with. The ones who understand my sense of humor and appreciate it. That counts for so much. When I've had a long day, or even a good one, its nice to know they are there at the end of it, ready to share, looking forward to relaxing and being there for each other, even in the good times.

And I want to say this, because this is important- the people who love me, the ones I love...they share my joy with me. There's never any jealousy about our lives. When something great happens (like Sakura getting a fabulous new job -congrats- or a pretty girl giving Flyguy her number) we're there to share that. I'm not bitter, I'm delighted, and nothing makes me happier than to settle down at my kitchen table, laugh and share a glass of tea and celebrate the wonderful things that happen to us. Because being a good friend is more than being there when the times get tough. Its about being there period.

My friends have taught me to celebrate every moment of my life. They've taught me to live every second to its fullest. Its a beautiful thing. I'm lucky to have people in my life that want me to grow and get better, who cheer on my successes and who dance with me for no good reason at all. In the Craft we have a phrase "Perfect Love and Perfect Trust". That's how I feel about my friends. It doesn't mean you never let each other down, because you're human and you're bound to screw up. And it doesn't mean you have to be okay with everything a person does. What it does mean is that you come from a place of love whenever you are with a person, that you love them in spite of their faults, unconditionally. And when a person does hurt you, you trust that you can work it out, and that you (or they) will make sure that never happens again, as much as you can. You trust that they have the intention of being good and loving you too. In Wicca, you cannot make magick in a circle without perfect love and perfect trust. You aren't even allowed into a circle without being in that state. I think true friendship works the same way, and that's why a good friendship feels magical.

To all my friends that I know read here, thank you. I am blessed to have you in my life. I am fortunate to have your love and trust, and I hope that I will always honor that. For all the things you have taught me, I hope at some point I have brought you clarity and insight too. I hope that I will always be the one you think of turning to when things start to suck, because Goddess knows I look to you when my world starts to spin a little too fast for my tastes. And to Perpet, my dear, darling friend, i know you're reading. I could say this in private, but I am-you know- completely unashamed of the wonderful friendship we have; you are a wonderful woman. I love you. Thank you for all the support and goodness you have shown me over the years. You are a blessing to my life. And I am more proud of you than you will ever know, because the joy and happiness you bring to my life is something that can never be properly expressed.

AGxx

I Hate To Say It, But You Look Perfect Together

Its not too often that I get all riled up and make a political post, but this week has pushed me over the edge. i'm sure it comes as no suprise to you that the topic on my mind is gay marriage. i want to preface this whole spiel with the notice that, yes, as a gay woman, I am a little biased. Of course I am. As a woman who is "married" to another woman, my views on this topic are a little heated. But I do think I am able to look at this topic rationally, which is something I think many people are unable to do.

Oh- and before I forget: As always this is my space. I am all about honest and open discourse. You want to have a rational discussion with me about an issue? I am all for that. You want to flame me and call em a faggot and a dyke and tell me I'm going to hell? I think I get that enough off the internet. If that's your intention- go fine somewhere else to flame out. I will cheerfully delete your bigoted ass from my comments. I don't care if you disagree with me, but I do care if you can be respectful about it.

I want to start with an anecdote first, something that illustrates a bit of what its like for me to be a woman in a committed same sex relationship in the Midwest. I was working the other night at Casa Bueno, where most of our customers and all of my staff refer to Kitten as my wife, because that's what I call her. There are even people at my store who were at my wedding. One of our regulars was sitting at the bar having a drink with some of his buddies, also regulars of ours. They called me over and one of them asked me, "So, did you go to Iowa to get married? I meant to ask you that a long time ago." Iowa, for those of you who don't know, is the closest state to mine that has legal same sex marriages. I told him no, we didn't. First, we aren't Iowa residients, so applying for a marriage liscence would have been a pain in the ass. Second, my state does not recognize same sex unions, so it would have been pointless. All we would have accomplished was getting a peice of paper that said we were married. I wouldn't have even been able to take Kitten's last name, because my state still views me as a single woman. I explained that to them. Their response was, "So, if we found you a nice man right now, you could go out and marry him tonight?"

Well, no. Outside of being more than a little offended, I was flabergasted. I mean, I'm married. In my mind, I've made a lifetime commintment to my partner. That's not somethign I'm going to drop in a heartbeat just so I can run off with some dude, have babies and get tax breaks. Who would think that?

I think, other than the obvious religious objections, one of the things that frustrates me most is that people seem to view gay marriage as some sort of fad. Its someting that we do to look cool, or to show that we're "going steady" with our partners. But, in the end, in the minds of most people, I'm not truly serious about my committment to Kitten. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When it comes down to it, in most places in the country, gay marriage is a religious issue. That's my problem with it. I don't feel its right, or constitutional, for my personal life to be dictated by the rules of a religion that I don't believe in. Our country is not a theocracy. There is no state religion. So when its time to debate same sex unions, I want to have someone bring an argument to the table that doesn't invovle the phrases "the Bible says" or "In my religion" or "God thinks." Do you think gay marriage could hurt the economy? Cool, lets debate that, I have a list a mile long of ways it will help improve the economy. Hell, the cost of marriage liscnences and the words "gay wedding registry" ought to be enough to put that argument in my favor. Do you think somehow education or government spending will be effected? Tell me how. We'll put your ideas to the test. But please, please, please, give me soemthing to work with that isn't your religion.

Take abortion. Now, its legal in my country, although there are restrictions in some states and you know what, I agree with some of them. Do I believe in a woman's right to choose? Hell yeah I do. But I think she should choose early. Because late trimester abortions are pushing it for me on personal choice. I think the argument comes down to whether you are taking a human life. It is a socially accepted moray that you don't kill people. Its not done. Murder is wrong. In almost every religion ever. However, I'm willing to debate when life begins with you. Partial birth abortions? Not my thing. I don't like them. But I feel like its a woman's right to choose to get an abortion, when she first finds out she's pregnant. I know I have friends who would debate this with me, and we could, but the end result is the same. We're having an intellectual argument. Not a theology discussion. And for the record, even though I'm getting off track, I don't think abortion should be used as a method of birth control. That's what actual birth control is for.

I digress. The point I'm making is most hot button moral political issues can be discussed with reason and intellect, with reasoning that doesn't involve someone simply telling me that their religion says its bad, so I can't do it. Well, cool. Islam says a woman should keep her head covered, so we better do that too. Hell, the Bible says good Christians don't eat shellfish, cut their hair, wear mixed fiber fabrics or work on the Sabbath. But Christians find those things acceptable, right? And all of those things are out of the same book in the Bible that says gay relationships are wrong. I could debate this theology all day, and if someone wants to, awesome Lets hit the comments and throw down. But I'd rather not. Because in the end, your religion is your business. What you believe and feel is up to you. And I support you having the right to your own beliefs. But I feel I deserve the same respect.

There's a lot of people out there who will say that gay marriage is a civil rights issue. They'll say we deserve the same things as everyone else. I agree. I do. But to me, it has so much more meaning than me being able to change my name, get a peice of paper and go by Mrs. Kitten Tyger legally.  Here's the issue for me. When I die, I want Kitten to make the choices for me about my burial. When I'm sick, I want Kitten to be there with me, every moment, not needing to flash a power of attorney or remind my doctor that if they deny her access to me that she can file a lawsuit and get their medicare funding revoked. I want us to be able to own property together without having to jump through a million and one hoops at the property tax office and with mortgage and loan companies. I deserve those things because she and I are just as committed as my strait friends.

Spare me the commentary about how it violates the sanctity of marriage. Let me tell you something, if someone was willing to grant me some sort of union rights that allowed me those privledges and they wanted to call it something other than marriage so people would be happy I would take it. You could call it anything, so long as I had it. And I'm sorry, but my marriage to Kitten has already outlasted the average length of a heterosexual marriage in the US. Most don't make it past the first year. I'm rounding the corner to year three. And thirty years from now, I promise, someone will still be telling me that my marriage isn't as important, as valid or as special and how I won't make it once I sign that peice of paper that says we're really married and that's why I can't get married to her. Seriously? Stuff it.

Homosexual couples who are committed to each other go through so much more than strait couples. Imagine yourself married (if you aren't) and people telling you every day that what you have isn't special, that your love for the person you are married to is an abomination- an affront to the decentness of humanity. Tell me how you would look at your partner at the end of every day. If you went to work and had to pretend you weren't married. If you had to deal with the criticism of your coworkers and friends. Would you still come home at night and think they were the most wonderful, special part of your life? If you couldn't, one you don't love them enough, and two I've got you beat. You'll see a million tv shows and movies where boy and girl battle the odds every day because their families don't approve. Its romantic, right? Romeo and Juliet. Beautiful. Imagine now that's how you have to feel every day for all of your life because you made a committment, an unbreakable commitment, to someone you love. Imagine your family berating you for not marrying better, having more children -or children at all- telling you that the person you love is going to eternally damn your sould just for existing. It stops being romantic. It becomes a personal trial. How much do you really love them, is it worth it? For me, and for couples like me all over the US, it is. That's real love.

Forget money problems or the normal marriage issues. We get to deal with those too, by the way, because we're human and that's how it works when you get married. Nothing changes that, not even our genders. But we get to mess with all those other things on top of it. Think of how you'd feel if you and your spouse had to ask the government permission to have children. If they did give it to you, and they might not, you have to pay them the equivelent of a year's salary just to get pregnant. Not fun, huh? Wait- you say- the government cant tell you whether or not you can have children. Actually, my friends, they can. Every gay couple that wants children goes to enormous expense to have them. Here's why. Gay men have to adopt, which means they have to get permission from a government agency to have kids. And most of the time, only one man in that couple will be recognized as the adoptive parent if they do get permission. If that one dies, rther than go to the other dad, the kids will go into protetive custody because they are orphans. In my state, if you want to be artificially inseminated by a doctor, you can't be single. Its against the law. Unwed mothers? Totally legal. But the possiblitiy of a gay woman wanting children? We can't have that. So mny of the the women I know do at home insemination, which increases the risk of birth defects and also has a lower success rate on top of being more expensive. Oh, and if they die? Same as the gay men. Orphans and protective custody for the children, despite there being two parents.

How is this okay? I can't fathom it. Rationally, I can't think of how people think its morally acceptable to believe those things. And trust me, the problem above? Solved by a marriage certificate. Easy Peasy. But we can't have that. You know why? Gay people will raise gay children. Of course we will. (Because strait people only raise strait children.) I could argue all day about what a gay household versus a strait household might be like. It doesn't matter. Because once the doors close, its your business, not mine.

I was raised in a conservative Christian family. My mother is a die-hard Republican. Always has been. But sometimes, sometimes, things can change your mind. Like having a gay child. Mymom is still a Republican, but you know what? She's leaning Independent now. Because suddenly me having a wife that she loves and respects changes things for her. The idea that  I would never be able to have grandchildren for her (If Anna and I were willing to) because our state forbids it, is repellant to her. It frightens her to think that people are allowed to hurt me because I'm gay, and I have no legal recourse. She gets angry when some self-righteous religious asshole at her church or work tells her that I'm going to hell for loving someone who has taken care of me, committed to me, stood by me and loves me more than anyone has ever loved me. My mom likes Kitten. A lot. Its the first time I've ever seen her supportive of one of my relationships with women. Somehow, over the last three years, she's seen what love can do to change a person for the better. So she gets a little hostile when the nominee for her political party jups up and says her daughter has less a right to housing, jobs, and marriage than other Americans because of who she loves. I'm proud of her for that. I wish more people would think like that. Are she and I ever going to match up politically? Hell no, she's too conservative, and I'm too liberal, but we found a meeting ground when it came to something that touches both our lives in a very real way.

She called me the morning after President Obama made his announcement. She was delighted. She wanted to celebrate with me. After all, the President of the United States sat down with his family and talked about the issue and reached the same conclusion she had- not letting me get married is totally unfair, and most likely unconstitutional. She wanted to know how I felt. I told her how much it meant to me that the head of our government, the first major political figure in US history to do this, supports my right to love. Its encouraging. Its wonderful. It makes me feel good.

What I didn't tell her is that so long as that beautiful speech is followed by "but I'll let the states decide" nothing is ever going to happen for me. As of this week 31 of the 50 states in the US have banned gay marriage constitutionally. I need someone to make a nationwide change for things to work out for me and Kitten. As it stands, that's not a possibility.

I'm rambling now, and I suppose I've made my point, really. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of people who have nothing to do with my life making decisions about my life. I'm tired of people telling me my love is somehow less valuable or less important. I'm tired of people telling me that I should let their personal beliefs dictate the strictures of my life. Because that's bullshit. And I'm tired of all the people who parrot that this is how things have always been, and why bother changing them now?

My buddy Bobcat posted about Bristol Palin's blog about gay marriage on facebook this week. It made me laugh and honestly, its far better worded than I ever could, so I'm posting it here for your enjoyment. (Incidentally, if you aren't a US citizen, Bristol is the daughter of forner VP candidate Sara Palin, who made waves by having a child with her boyfriend out of wedlock while her very conservative mother was on the campaign trail.)

Bobcat Posts:

OK, I generally try to avoid any political comentary here, but I just couldn't resist. I just read Bristol Palins blog post about President Obama's support of same sex marriage, and I am just perplexed. she said :"in this case, it would've been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that's not a reason to change thousands of years o...f thinking about marriage."

There are LOTS of reasons to change thousands of years of thinking. If he had not, her unwed pregnant ass would have been sent away to shamefully deliver that baby. We would still be WALKING everywhere. The Obama's would not be sitting in the oval office, they would be cleaning it, or cutting the grass. her MOTHER would not have been able to run for ANY office, and Bristol herself would not have the notariety that she does, nor would she be able to express her backasswards opinions. Times are changing, Bristol. Get with it, or live in a cave.

 

Damn right Bobcat. Damn right.

 

For all of you who can get married or re maried- take time today to consider how very special your partner is, or might one day be. I'm very happy for you. For those of you, who like me, are still witing on making your love "legal" keep fighting the good fight. Nothing matters as much as your love- not a peice of paper, what anyone else thinks, or anything else. No one can dictate who you love. Give that special someone a kiss today, and celebrate your beauty. Goddess knows I do.

 

AGxx

There's Something About This Place

Yesterday was painful. I'm determined to have a better day.

As the days grow brighter and warmer things at Casa Bueno start heating up as well. We get busier during the spring and summer, and with that comes a whole new load of challenges. We've got a fairly young crew. Okay, they're green as Easter grass. When we start getting busy, they have a tendency to panic. Its hard not to get caught up in that feeling. The energy that surrounds you almost always has an effect on you whether you like it or not.

I try really hard not to let the things around me get me down. I wear bracelets and necklaces to help me contain my personal energy and keep my auric "fingers" as Kitten likes to call them turned inward. Sometimes it works. Sometimes its not so effective. Its difficult sometimes to take a deep breath and remember that its not the end of the world. Things go wrong, but if you handle them calmly, a lot of times things can go much smoother. Guests, I've observed, are usually more understanding and patient if you communicate with them, and if you can keep the look of terror off of your face. Of course, the way my coworkers react also makes a difference.

When everyone else is in crisis mode, its hard to stay calm. Its difficult to get people to teamwork with you. Its difficult to get anything done. When everyone is so focused on their own panic they can't see the world around them, well, they stop doing the neccesary things like stocking, teamworking, and breathing.

I bartend today, which means things will probably move at a slower pace for me. I don't mind it, honestly. Will I miss those extra three tables in my section? I doubt it. We have to be seriously busy for everyone to have a full section. Our restaurant seats 300. If we are that busy, I'll have other things to worry about. Its nice, too, because that extra bit of wiggle room gives me a chance to help others out, maybe make things a little easier than they are at the moment.

I'm trying very hard to remember that with the big holidays for us approaching (St. Pat's, Cinco, Mother's Day) my crew is going to be put to the test. I'm a senior crew member. I need to be there for them. I need to help them, to give them the tools they need to succeed. Because honestly, if they don't, I suffer too. I've trained a lot of our crew. I want them to be able to use the tools I give them to be happy, hard, efficient workers who make a lot of money and draw guests into the store. I hope I can do that.

In other news, I am having a weird work week this coming week because we are driving up to Kansas City MO to go see Katie Herzig in concert. I'm looking forward to it. A couple of days off with the girls will be a good time. Precious is coming with us, so we'll have a nice time with her. While we're on our way home we're going to stop off in Cat's city to say hello to her and spend some time with her, since she's moving in a couple of weeks. Maybe next week. I think next week. It'll be nice to see her. We also have a gift certificate to Hastings, which was a very generous Yule gift, and I'm looking forward to spending it. It'll be nice to have access to a bookstore that isn't Barnes and Noble.

Speaking of books, I was looking at my shelves and I realized I probably need to do a cull of them. I have a lot of books and we accquire them at an alarming rate. We've gotten about ten books in the last week alone. I need new shelves and I don't have anywhere to put them. In better news that's related, I think Oscelot is giving up her bed. We talked about it yesterday and its awesome, because that will give us a little more wiggle room. It also gives me the opportunity to do some much needed rearranging in the house. Also, more room for bookshelves. Our bookshelf with Pagan books on it is overflowing now, and I need a bigger one. Between Hedgewitch and I, we've got quite a collection started.

I also need to read them. I've got a few I've read cover to cover, but most of them I pull out as I need them, which is not as useful. I'd rather know what's in all of them, it makes research go much faster. It also makes other work go much faster. I've got a list four people long of natal charts I need to cast.

My list of witch responsibilites is growing. We've been looking at formally structuring the coven, starting the Wicca 101 and 102 type classes for learning purposes. We also have to start establishing degree structures, so that we all know what we're working for. I've done the research and its looking like based on most coven structures I'm almost second degree. I'm a lot farther along than I thought I was. Still, I have a long way to go. We're thinking on Beltane we're going to start the official year and a day process for the coven seekers, so we can formalize that too. I'm not too far from becoming an official gartered preistess. Its exciting.

I also have a lot of work to do as far as spells and learning goes, and I know it. I have some friends who are looking to get together and "conjure mojo" as they lovingly call it. I have no problem working with practitioners outside my coven, sometimes its a breath of fresh air. Of course, there are other people who are learning about what I do, and that's good too. It gives them an opportunity to look inside the practicing Wiccan mind and the mind of my spiritual family. I think there's also a prospective new coven candidate out there, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes.

Oastara is almost upon me, and I have to plan ritual for it. I might actually be able to do this one outdoors, which I am looking forward to. The winter months are difficult because we can't spend as much time outside as we like. I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with the earth around me, it makes me feel more grounded.

Outside of the natal charts and spell work, I'm learning hoodoo right now. Well, the basics of it. Its an interesting form of spellcraft, and I think our group can benefit from it if we use it in the right way.

Kitten has taken a real shine to herbal work, and I'm rather suprised to see her excelling in herbalism. I thought it would be Oscelot that fell into herbalism and kitchen witching. Somehow, though, I feel like I shouldn't be shocked. Kitten is a god cook, and she understand the importance and beauty of herbs. She's always had a natual bent towards healing. Its good to see her actively pursuing a part of the craft she loves. I think sometimes she gets frustrated because there are things she doesn't naturally excel at, and that makes her feel like she's behind. I keep trying to impress upon her that she holds herself to a hard standard, seeing as Hedgewitch and I have been practicing for a much longer time. It takes a lot of time and focus to learn how to control your energy and the energies around you. Hell, I'm still not great at it sometimes. In a control setting, yeah I'm awesome, but put me in a practical setting and I struggle every now and again.

Herbalism will be great for her. Last night she made me an infustion for a headache and she not only knocked the headache out, but put me to sleep before nine (a near impossibility without drugging me) and I slept a solid 11 hours. Its impressive. Although, according to them, when I went to bed I was completely incoherent, and nearly drooling on myself, so maybe, youknow, moderation in couple of those herbs, but otherwise she did a fine job.

Oscelot had her birthday yesterday. We got her a set of runestones. I think she'll really enjoy using them. I look forward to seeing her find something she really excels at too. I want to see everyone in our group succeed, and I think this may be her foothold into the practice.

As for myself, I know where I need to go and what I need to do. Unfortunately, its everywhere. But I think if I sit down and work out a regimen for myself, a schedule of studies, my life will be easier. I read quickly. I absorb well, so I think I can manage. The trick, for me, will be pairing all this new knowledge with spiritual growth.

Its on that note that I want to conclude. You see, sometimes I think we don't pay too much attention to they way we are, how we change and how we grow. I'm really aware of it. I think part of that has to do with the fact that by the time I came back to Kitten, I was in a bad place. I had made strides to change myself and I had...but it wasn't in the way I wanted. I had let myself down. Since then, in the last four years, I think I've had a lot of time to think about who I am and what I want to be.

I realized how far I had come the other day. I had a phone conversation with my ex Beloved. She and I have, uh, very different life outlooks. In the course of our discussion she asked me if I really thought I had changed since I stopped seeing her, because honestly, she didn't see much change. Now, granted, we see each other maybe twice a year and we talk infrequently...not as much as maybe I'd like to...but I suppose that's life. We had been discussing Kitten's impending departure, and some of the troubles I had faced recently with Oscelot.

Point is, she pointed out that there was more to life than love. That it doesn't matter sometimes how much you love a person, because eventually the reality of life steps in, and you are inevitably disappointed with that person. She thinks that relationships that don't work out aren't successful. She thinks that there has to be a constant grounding in reality and you have to focus on the practicalities of life. The reality of who and what a person is. In the end, to Beloved, you look out for yourself and you make yourself independent.

Idon't agree with her at all. I think at one point, I might have. I think that I might have even tried doing that for myself. I think she has some points. Yes, you should be independent. You should look out for yourself. But I also think there's a sadness about the idea you can't trust anyone but yourself. I know personally that sometiems you can't even do that.

Here's my idea...you trust people. Not to the point of stupidity, but you should give them a chance. When they let you down, you access the damage to your relationship and move on from there. You work hard to repair it. If you can't, yeah, you move on and its painful. But you never cut the cord of a relationship lightly. People will let you down. We have free will and sometimes the choices we make are bad ones. That's okay. Karma takes care of that. If a relationship doesn't work out...well, you and that persona are not failures. You're different. Its okay. Take what you can from it, remember what that person gave you and taught you. That's what makes even a "failed" relationship a success.

I don't like the idea of complete independence either. I'm dependent on my partners and my friends. I need them. They give me perspective and keep me motivated. They keep me in line when I need to be, and help me let my hair down. They remind me of my better qualities when I do fail, and they support me in all my successes. I would be terribly sad, and much less fulfilled, if I didn't have a degree of dependence on them. I think they feel the same way about me. I think that I'm there to do those things for them.

I've grown so much the last four years. I'm a mature woman now. I have my health in good control. I know how to deal with my pain and anger. I've learned when to walk away from a fight and when to stand my ground. I've learned compassion in ways I never thought I could. I've learned love in ways that amaze me every day. I learned how to look into myself to find peace, and how to look everywhere to see divinity. That's a beautiful thing. I think anyone who's read me for any time that exceeds the length of this blog could tell you I've changed. Yeah, do I puton my best face when I write? I try to. But still, the person I am seeps through. And I think the person you see now is a better, more whole one than before. I'm proud of that. I plan on making that something that doesn't change.

Over the years, I think I'll look back and be satified with what I've done for myself. I think my friends will be proud of me. I think the changes I make will become more apparent as time goes on. I'm glad for it.

Here's to another day where I get the chance to grow. I'll report back and let you know how it goes.

AGxx

Fight The Break of Dawn

Our lives are about to change.

Last night Kitten told me about an opportunity for her this summer for her internship for school. She has to have one to graduate, and where she interns will make a huge difference for her when the time comes for her to look for a job in the HVAC industry, which isn't too far off. Turns out, their school is taking four students to work for the summer on some huge HVAC equipment. Its the type of stuff she wants to work on, the system work would give her great experience. It pays nearly twice an hour what she makes now and its for three months this summer. Its even a job for the government, which is even better.

The catch? Its at a military base two hours from home. She wouldn't be able to commute and she'd be away from us for the full three months outside of occasional visits. She had to make a decision by today, and she asked me what I thought.

I told her to go for it.

I'm going to miss her terribly, and the thought of being away from her for so long is incredibly painful for me. I hate being away from her for a few hours. I can't imagine how hard it will be to be away from her for a few months. But this is the sort of opportunity she can't turn down. Its exactly what she was looking for. Its exactly what she needs.

Now I just have to get over all of my hangups. Don't get me wrong. I know she's not going to stop loving me. I know that she's the most trustworthy partner a woman could ask for. I just hate her going away. I worry about me doing the bills. She handles all the finances right now. I mean, I can do it. I'm a grown woman. I've just grown accustomed to not doing it. I can suck it up for a few months. We're not sure, but we may have to buy a new car. That's going to hit the pocket book pretty hard.

I know things will be fine, but right now, the prospect of that big of a change is pretty scary.

I've already made a list of things I am going to do while she's away. I'll repaint the house, refinish the porch, add annuals to my already huge rose garden, plant more roses. I'm going to get climbers and train them up the sides of my newly refinished porch. I'm planning on moving all the stuff out of the living room and repainting it. I'm going to find a second filing cabinet and refile verything for easy access. Somehow I'm going to rearrange the library so it looks less cluttered. I've got plenty to keep me busy on top of my job and having Oscelot for company.

I'll have Shorty and Spice and Hedgewitch and Flyguy to keep me company. I already know that if I get sick I have good friends who can watch out for me so I don't have to worry her. I'll be okay. Things will be fine.

I just hope and pray that this is going to be the awesome opportunity that it seems like. I hope that she learns a lot and has a good time. I hope she misses me just a little.

I can't wait to see what this summer brings, literally. I've not been this sure and unsure at the same time in a very long time.

Think of me. Any advice you can give? I would gladly take it right now.

I'm off to find something productive to do while she's in class. Like have a bath.

AGxx

I Think I'm Moving But I'm Going Nowhere

I was rereading one of the posts I wrote a while ago. You know, the one where I told you all about my vacation when I was little girl to St. Louis? I was really suprised to see that on the list of blogs that was read the most often. I suppose those little snippets are the things that make me who I am, aren't they?

Other things I think you might be interested to know...

I want to learn how to surf. I'm a good swimmer, and a pretty good body surfer. I think I could surf without a lot of trouble. I found out from someone the other day that its pretty odd that I'm a strong swimmer when i'm in free flowing water, because I always wear shoes, like tennis shoes, when I swim. I like to protect my feet. If I'm not in a pool, the shoes go on...anyway, I think I could do it. You know, there's a program in Disney World where they teach you to surf in that giant pool at their water park. Perfect waves every time. If I could figure it out there, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out other places.

I've never been water skiing. I don't know how. In fact, I've never been on a pair of skis period. I think I'd like snow skiing better, even though I don't care for the cold (you know that, don't you? I have blankets everywhere in the house...proof enough. I'm wearing one right now. Its red plaid and lined with lambs wool). something about the prospect of falling off the skis and breaking every bone in my face deters me from water skiing, though we have lakes enough around here I could learn. I have no upper body strength. You know that. I think I could ski on snow, though. That seems more like a leg strength thing. I could do that. My legs are strong.

I'm going to go camping this summer, and take Oscelot on her first float trip. I love to float, although I don't hold with the whole fishing while you float thing. I remember my ex used to do that and it drove me crazy.

I hae a strange compulsion to match my underwear and bras. This is a recent thing. I didn't do it before I started seeing Kitten. Now its almost an obsession. Did you know that she was the one who got me hooked on Victoria's Secret? Now I won't wear anything else. That's what I got for my birthday, new bras and some underwear. I got black and white bras...so I could finally match them to most of the stuff I own. Now I want a whole lot more white underwear because i like how light and friendly it looks when I wear it.

I actually keep photos of myself on my phone. Its like a self esteem boost. Some days, when i feel completely ugly, i'll get them out and have a look at them and remember there are times when i can be, even in my own mind, an incredibly sexy woman. I like that feeling, like there's still some sort of mystery to me that even I haven't figured out. It seems like its something someone else will have to find, and the process of discovery makes me feel more real.

Do you ever think of things that you can't recall why you remember them? Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night and think of these things and I can't escape them and they drive me crazy. Its always something odd, too. I'll remember riding the electric train at the mall that closed down in town when I was a little girl, or I'll think of when I was singing on our honeymoon and how I could have done better, and I run it through my head until I want to scream. Sometimes I'll think of odd things, like an outfit I had that made me feel really beutiful, or the way it feels when I'm dancing, and I'll get completely lost in that moment.

Sometimes its things that I don't want to think about, and those nights are awful for me. I toss in bed and stare at the ceiling and sing earwormy songs to myself in an attempt to chase those sights out of my head. If it doesn't work, i'll try other things, like getting a drink of water, or having a cigarette, or writing...Truth is, most the time it doesn't work and I find myself wishing I could pick up my phone and call and have the comfort of being told there's nothing wrong with me, that everyone has those moments. Everyone feels that way sometimes. But I don't know that.

Do you ever feel like the past is completely inescapable, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever lay in bed and think of how hard you have worked to be something compeltely different than what you think you are, but you feel like you're failing? Probably not, huh? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who runs forward and pushes for more and new and different things and gets them, and then still feels the past creeping up behind them like a shadow.

When I was a little girl I remember I used to play with Hedgewitch in my grandmother's yard. We'd pretend we were faries and we would call ourselves after flowers. Is it any suprise I chose Rose? Is it odd that now I have them all around my house? But you wouldn't know that, because you haven't seen it. I have a gorgeous arbor and a white picket fence now. I have roses all the way around my house and I swear I'm going to wrap them around the hedges too. I want to train them to climb all over the arbor and if I can convince Kitten, up the sides of the house. I love them so much. I want them in every color and every variety. The smell of them makes me so happy, and the feeling of their petals under my fingers in soemthing that, to me, is both comforting, and exhilirating and almost erotic all at the same time.

I remember the first time I had a ruben sandwich. I had no idea what it was. I was at a birthday party at an ice cream parlor. Maybe you remember them, they were called Shauncy's? We had one in the mall too, back when there was still a carosel, fountains and a decent arcade there too. It was awful! I remember the sharp sour taste and how it filled up my nose and how it burned my throat. i've never been fond of rubens...

I do love chineese. I remember when I was little my Grandmother would go get it from one of the local restaurants and bring it home. Its over by where Cardins used to be...although I don't suppose you would know where that's at. Its on the north side of town, far from where most of the nice restaurants are. Its still there...its a hole in the wall and I think I'm the only person who likes to eat there...of my aquaintances that it. Anyway, she would get friend wontons and she hates the meat part in the center, but I always liked them. She would tear out the centers and give them to me. To this day its still my fvorite part of the wonton, even though i'll eat the crispy part now.

All the way from childhood through high school I would wake up late at night at my grandparents and I would creep into the kitchen. I remember a lot of nights my grandpa would be up, and he always like to have ice cream at night. I'd sit and split a carton of strawberry with him. Its my favorite flavor to this day, and I have to have the kind with real strawberries in it, or its just not right. I remember after Imoved back in to my grandparents house I would do the opposite, almost. Of course, by this time, my grandpa had passed, but I was 18 or so, I suppose, just finishing my first semester in college, the first time. i would stay up late with my Gran on the nights that I stayed in, and we would sit and have cocktails together. I remember, my grandmother favors vodka or schnapps and OJ. I'm a fan of rums and whiskeys. Or I was at the time. I suppose I still am. When I go out I usually have a rum drink.

The night I ran back into Kitten I remember I drank Southern Comfort with diet and a lime twist. I was drinking miller light bottles when I was having beer. I suppose my tastes have changed a bit since then. Although I remember we used to go to Brick Wall Bar, which has moved since then, and we'd buy a couple buckets of beer and drink them. As little as I drink now, I wonder how we survived those nights.

We played poker the other night. We taught Shorty, Hedgewitch and Shyguy how to play follow the queen. I think its still ym favorite poker game. My luck is still terrible. You know, I've only been to a casino once, and it was for a concert? I've never gambled in a casino. Do you think I still have beginners luck? I have no idea...

There you go. That's a bunch of things you probably didn't know about me before now. At least, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned them.

After all this time, I still want to be loved for the hot mess I am. I think I deserve that. I think you could love me. If you wanted to.

AGxx

My Baby's Got a Secret

I want to know your secret. I see it. Every day. In the corner of your mouth, in your eyes, in the curve of your hips, in the skin on your hands. Some nights I lay in bed and I ponder, how deep does it go? How far could I reach before you stopped me?

I think of you. And I worry about me and you and how we feel when we touch. Is it warm for you? Does it feel hot like it does to me? Your secret is electric and I'm wired for another taste of it. I like the shock. I like the thrill. I like the speed at which you race through me.

I'm restless tonight and its all your fault. I'll stay up late, wondering how you feel. Wondering what you would do if I told you just how good it is when you're close to me. Would you try to steal my breath, just to hear me gasp? I think you would, because I would if I were you.

How deep could I go? How far would I be willing to reach before I pulled away? You lock yourself up tight. I see you in your tower and I think of you and a white horse and how I want to ride away with you on the back of it with your hands around my waist. You're wrapped up in red gauze and I want to pull it away and see you the way you are when no one is looking.

I think I share your secret. I think I know where it lies. I think I could take it and run my hands through it and know that you and I are more alike than we'd either one like to admit. You and I are running on the same plane, to the same place, and we race like there's no one else in the world who sees us. We're bound up together and I can feel you all around me.

But I've spotted you and I think you see me coming. I can hear it in your breath and I can feel it in the air. I've got eyes like a cat in the dark and I'm looking for the place you hide.

You Made Me Feel Like a Million Bucks

The sweet scent of your skin is the most comforting thing I know.

The soft glow in your eyes is the meaning of love.

The tender quiet moments are the ones that mean the most.

When I lie down at night, its thoughts of you that put me to sleep. I dream of your voice and your touch and your kiss. You rock me softly through the night with the comfort of your presence. I always know you're there. I always know I'm safe.

If I could get lost in a warm wooded place, I would want it to be with you. I could turn my face to the breeze and sing with the birds and I know you wouldn't laugh. You would be there with me, your voice with mine, your touch soft against my hands. I know that in that perfect quiet, that sweet peace, you and I could find surrender together. I find it when we're alone, when no one is looking but you and I. I know it when you smile at me, and there's a secret hidden in the curve of your mouth, and you beg me with each glance to learn it from you.

I find it when we are dancing together, your body and mine moving without needing to think. I find happiness and warmth with your arms around me, and security and peace and the beginnings of joy.

When you tell me you love me I know that somehow I've done something right, however many things I've done wrong- because I would never have found you if I hadn't.

When you grin at me I know I've found someone who finally knows me, who knows when its okay to tell me I'm silly, and just the moment to comfort me tenderly and tell me that really, its okay for me to be just the way I am. You and I know, each moment we're together, that life is a perfect, precious stolen moment and we're sharing that moment together.

I want it to go on always because being with you is the only way I can be me.

I love you.
AGxx

Its a beautiful day

I had a really fantastic day yesterday. Normally, I'm not a huge Thanksgiving fan. I mean, I love the mass amounts of food and all, but the rest of teh holiday seems a little lost for me. It has since I was a teenager and I lost my grandfather. When my family stopped spending so much time together during the holidays, it seemed like there was a lot less to be thankful for, and that's really what the day is supposed to be all about. My teen years and my early twenties seemed even more futile in the celebration of Thanksgiving. I didn'tr really feel a connection to the people I was around for the holiday, and I missed the feeling of closeness that I used to have.

I have to confess, I think yesterday turned it around for me. We had Thanksgiving with Kitten's mom. It was really nice. We hadn't really planned it that way, we weren't planning on being back in town from vacation until Wednesday and we were just going to crash out. Problem was, Kitten has a test for school she couldn't miss, so we decided it would be nice to have a family dinner. Since the fire, our oven doesn't work so well, so we were going to use Precious's oven. Then Kitten's mom asked what we were up to. So we got to go over to her place and make dinner.

I've never made a turkey before, so that was a big deal to me. We got over there at about ten in the morning and started to get things ready. (I have to confess after the first hour we realized there wasn't a baster, so we had to run to the store to get one, oops!) After we got the turkey going, though, we spent the morning teamed up playing games like catchphrase and taboo. It was a lot of fun. It definately felt different to me, because my family never did things like play games with each other on holidays. There was a lot of gossping a squabbling, but not a whole lot of fun. I derived most of my holiday joy from watching my grandparents cook. This year, though, we spent quality time togther, and I really enjoyed it.

When we finished cooking together it was nice to sit at the table and eat, Kitten carved the bird, which turned out really, really well. After dinner Kitten's mom's roommate came and played a few games of Scrabble with us. I loved it because they are both really good players, I like a challenge. There was plenty of good natured teasing going on. I spent a lot of yesterday laughing. I experienced, I think for the first time, how truly joyful a holiday with your family can be. I think Oscelot felt it too, and she was smiling and laughing all the way up to the moment when she fell asleep in front of the fireplace. It was awesome.

It got me thinking about how near a miss I had. Really. I know I talk pretty frequently on how lucky I am to have Kitten in my life, but I really believe it. Eleven years ago I was foolish enough to let Kitten go out of my life. I remember so clearly that day, I can play it over and over in my head. I'm not saying I didn't have happy times after that. When I was with Beloved I had several times where I was pretty happy, given who I was at the time. But thank the lord and lady I have Kitten now. I'm so happy. I feel, for the first time in my life, like I am complete. I feel like I trulyhave a family that loves and supports me. I have the security of knowing no matter what happens, its going to be okay because I have her, and Oscelot, to get me through things. Its this sort of love, the kind that has no restrictions, that makes a person truly able to reach their potential, to grow, to be more than they thought they could. I don't know that I deserve it, but I am glad to have it in my life.

I got a lot of messages from my friends yesterday and I was thinking again how much better my life is now. I couldnt' always say that I had friends who understood me, who knew me well enough to truly be friends. The people who I make my friends now are remarkable. They know how to deal with my constant need of affection, my lack of filter, my ability to say and so incredibly stupid things sometimes. They also know me well enough to know when I need support and when I feel like I need help. They always offer it to me. That's a very rare friend, a wonderful gift from the universe. I feel lucky to have so many people that I can call true friends.

I'm even lucky in my job, although a lot of times I don't feel like I admit it. I work for a company that closes for big holidays so we can be with our families. I work for people who respect me and my religious beliefs. I have two wonderful bosses who allow me to do things like take long vacations so I don't go bonkers and still give me a great schedule when I come back. I didn't have to be at work yesterday. I won't have to work for Yule. I know a lot of people who can't say that. It makes me happy to think I've found a place that treats me with respect and courtesy. Its really nice.

I know its sappy and a little cliche, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I'd be ungrateful if I didn't take a little time to sit down and acknowledge that.

I hope that all of you have something that you can be proud of, something that makes you glad to be who you are. Sometimes its just these little things, the ones that really count, that remind you life is worth living.

AGxx

Can You Make it Last?

I'm not going to lie, if there are any of you out there who read my last post and lit the candle for me, thank you! In the last two days I have felt better than I have in months. I've been able to eat real food and enjoy it, I've had more energy, and I haven't been nearly as grumpy. I appreciate it if you were thinking of me.

I had a great couple of days off work. First, I woke up both days to a thunderstorm. Now, I know in the middle of summer most people wouldn't think that was a good thing. Unfortuantely for the last month we've had more days of 95 degree plus temperatures than not. I think one of my coworkers said she heard on the news that we only had four days below ninety five in July. While it does tend to get hot here in the summer, this is unnatually hot. And it doesn't look like its going to stop terribly soon. We get a bit of a break next week and then its supposed to get hot again. i'm disappointed. Normally we only have our air conditioning on for about two weeks out of the whole summer. Its been so hot we've had it on since early June. I just want to open the windows and let the fresh air in. Its part of the joy of the warmer months.

Anyway, I woke up to rain, and a lot of it. I was thankful. I'm pretty sure my plants were thankful too. We got to see some blooms come out on our roses and the cats look way less miserable than they had. A bonus, because the kittens outside were so hot we'd been taking them in until the temp dropped back below 100 and now they think they need to be inside all the time. They do, just not in my home.

Thursday I as able to meet up with an old friend of mine. I grew up next door to her grandparents when I was a little girl. We used to play together all the time. After we started high school we lost track of each other. I would call our reunion a fortunate coincidence, but you know I don't belive in coincidence. Turns out Hedgewitch lives across the street from Black Magic. When she friended her on facebook, she saw my profile and was able to get back in touch with me.

I was delighted. She is the same wonderful, sensetive, fun person I remember as a child, only all grown up. We have a lot of similar interests, and we had no trouble whiling the day away together. She came to meet me at my house and we went to lunch together. I didn't know how long she would hang out, having a husband and a life and all that, but we came back to my house and she ended up staying and chatting for almost five hours. It was amazing. She also had a chance to meet Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura, and they loved her. She has a good energy. I'm looking forward to hearing from her again very soon.

Speaking of things I am looking forward to, tomorrow morining I am having breakfast with one of my coworkers. Flyguy is a lot of fun and he's my age, which is such a relief at my workplace. I feel like I actually have someone my own age to relate to and talk to. I don't feel out of touch all the time. As dorky as it sounds, I was nervous giving him my phone number. I assume all of my coworkers tolerate me, rather than actually like me. He's been shooting me messages every now and again, and I like him better each time we talk. He's a nice, clean, stable person. I need friends like that in my life. Anyway, breakfast should be fun, and even though it means I'll wind up at work a half an hour earlier than I am scheduled, I'm not too bitter. I used to go have breakfast with some of my former coworkers every saturday, and I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to people that I work with.

Speaking of talking to people at work, I won't be able to chat to Oscelot anymore. She's got a new job, funnily enough, at The Happy Waffle. She's really happy there, and making a ton of money. I'm glad for her. They're also calling her by her preferred name rather than her given name, which I think makes her feel a lot more comfortable. She gets to see Kitten all the time now, and I have to admit, I appreciate her company more now that I'm not with her 24 hours a day. It was rather annoying for this first week, though, because everyone keeps remarking that I must feel really lonely without her there, as though I didn't work at Casa Bueno for three years before she started. Ah, well, I hate admitting it, but I had gotten accustomed to having someone who would always smile at me and always had a kind word. We'll see if my mood suffers. I certainly hope it doesn't. i'm immensley thankful though, now that she's out of the insurance plan at Casa Bueno, which doesn't cover anything at all and has no network providers in our city, she may actually have a chance to get real, decent medical care, and she needs that. I'll be happy to see her healthier and with doctors who are able to help her rather than make halfhazard guesses as to how to treat her condition.

School's getting ready to start, and I know soon I'll be missing Kitten. I've forgotten over the summer how taxing the schoolyear is, since she goes to school all day on her days off from work. I'm also fighting the disappointment of not getting to go back this fall, but the girls have promised me they are setting aside money to pay for me taking classes next semester, so its only three more months. To be perfectly honest, I've almost gotten to the point of giving up. I don't want to. I really want to go, but after years of thinking about how badly I want to go back, and not being able to, it seems silly to get my hopes up. I think I'm decent at the job I do now, and I think I'm doingokay as a manager. I could do it for the rest of my life and not be loved any less by the people who matter. Still, I want to try. I get frustrated. I do.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow. I hadn't found anything I though she might want or need as a gift. She's living with my grandmother right now, so more fun things to pack into the house don't seem practical. I wouldn't dream of shopping for clothes for her, and I can't even take a stab at the kind of book she might want. She reads a lot of things, but its hit and miss as to whether or not she likes them. I've decided later this week I'm going to take her to a nice dinner, and hope that its the thought that counts. In the past, I've always gotten her ornate gifts, and packaged them prettily, and taken her to dinner, and for night on the town. This year, that's not really in the cards for me. Not to mention she and I work such different schedules its almost impossible to arrange a day to have lunch , let alone a whole day to do things. I'll be sure to call her tomorrow, and tell her happy birthday. I'll make plans with her to go to dinner. It'll work out I hope. Bet me money, though, that my grandmother calls to remind me to call her, even though I have it marked on my calendar and my mom has mentioned it at least twice in every phone conversation we've had over the last two weeks. Ah, well.

This month is also the month of Kitten and I's one year anniversay with Oscelot. It doesn't seem like its been that long, but it also seems like its been forever, it that makes sense. I feel like I am still learning about her. Of course, she is still learning about herself. With the strides she has made mentally in the last few months, its like she's a new person. I mean, she's the same, but she seems more alert, more emotional, more interesting. I like it. I'm proud to see the way she's taken on her new life. She does it with finesse. I see her outlining new goals for herself and reaching them. It makes me so happy. Not to mention, in case I never have, she's a really patient, giving, loving person. She makes being in a relationship so easy. She is a wonderful partner. I'm thankful to have her every day. I'll have to make sure I tell her that more often. Kitten and I would not be the same without her. Even with the unique structure of our relationship, it feels like we aren't really whole without her as part of our life. I'm so glad we found her.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the tedium of my life too much longer. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'm plannign a post on the new US credit rating and a cute rant about how our politicians are making us look like bigger assholes than we normally are. That takes talent.

Wishing you well this late evening, and hoping you find something beautiful in your life to celebrate this coming week.

AGxx

This one goes out to the one I left behind

Well hello. As you can see from last night's post, I'm back. I was on a break, thinking that if I spent less time blogging I would write more on my novel. It turns out that I didn't write more on my novel, I just wrote less altogether and I was stressed out. I'm done with writing breaks.

The last couple of weeks have brought some interesting things. I spent this last weekend supervising at work. It was good, even though I had a few moments where I thought I was going to scream. Our fax machine gave me hell on Saturday, right at a time when I didn't need it to. I put in our soda order for the first time. I had to call a vendor and change out a beer keg that was delivered because it was the wrong kind. We had equipment break that I had to get fixed. There were a few times where I was asked a question I actually didn't know the answer to. That was a new experience. I discovered that after four years there, I am finally in a position at Casa Bueno that challenges me. Which is good. Especially since Oscelot is moving on. She got a new job last week. I'm happy for her. Unfortunately, this means my number one work companion is going away. I'll certainly miss her, although I would hedge my bets this will contribute to me appreciating her more when I am not at work.

I'm discovering new things about myself. I learned that those lovely deep breathing exercises have been helping me. That meditating does worlds of good for my stress levels and that illness (especially my headaches) seem to work in direct proportion to the amount of stress I'm under. I had been gaining control over my headaches. Unfortunately I had two last week. The first one was caused by stress. No ifs ands or buts. I gave in to pressure instead of handling it, and as a consequence, I got a migraine. End of story. I had one yesterday as well. That one was caused by two specific things. I drank beer on Saturday night -a surefire way to make me sick if I haven't eaten enough- and I was coping with a few emotional shocks. I was really, really sick yesterday. It wasn't much fun.

On the upside, I did get off so I could go to the roller derby double header I was telling you about. Our Battle Broads played first, and put up a valiant effort. They didn't win, but I enjoyed the game immensely anyway. If you check my blogroll, you can see New Pound Glory- one of our girls- played this game. I think it was her first home bout. She did a great job. Also, I am adding another lovely one of our girls, Battle Broads team captain, Mary Lou Wretched, to my blogroll. She's a fantastic writer. (I'm not kidding) She's sweet as can be. Also a kick ass roller girl. Watching her play is great for me, because she seems utterly fearless. One of our All Stars came and sat with me and the ladies for a while. Outside of her being a sweet and immensly entertaining lady, she could sometimes explain to me the finer points of what is going on. Since sometimes I don't understand the intracasies of the penaties, I appreciated it. Oscelot's derby wife played a great game. Sakura was with us again and we brought a new friend we met last week. It was his first bout ever and he loved it. I was happy.

The second game was our All Stars. They kicked some serious ass. I always love watching them play. There were some heated moments with the referees this bout, and it showed. All said and done though, it was great to watch. I got to see one of our very best blockers, also our team captain, Miss Chetty Boop, play in the jammer position. I didn't know she could. Turns out she's really good at it. It bent my mind a little. Oscelot was teasing me, she thought I'd seen it before. I had to pull my jaw off the floor. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that lady can't do!(I might also mention, we were talking after the bout and I discovered I went to high school with her. She was a couple years behind me, but we definately went together. Weird, small world, right?) The bout was epic. We won big time. It was good to watch. I learned a lot this time, I think in part because of all the referee disputes. It was definately an interesting time.

After the bout we went to the after party bar and talked with the girls for about 45 minutes. I got to check up with some that I don't get to see very often. I might have done shots with one of them (oops!) I also downed the beer that was my downfall yesterday. ONE BEER! I'm getting old. Afterwards we went to our favorite local gay dance club to party the night away. We hadn't been dancing in ages.


Pause for an interlude that actually has something to do with this story, I swear. Yesterday at work Rogue seemed to be having a bad morning. I asked her what was wrong and received the perfunctory "I don't want to talk about it" that I normally get since we aren't as close as we used to be. Imagine my suprise when a few moments later she comes up to me and gives me a very brief explanation as to why she was having a bad day. It involved her personal life. My jaw hit the floor. She never tells me stuff like that anymore.

Later in the day when her mood seems not to improve by much, however chatty she seems with me, I tell her quietly that after the bout we were planning on going to said Gay Bar and I know she likes to dance, would she like to come? She told me she's think about it. I took that as the most polite no she's given me since we stopped being Bffffff's. Later she came up to me and demanded to know when I'd eaten last. It had been a while. She asked if I wanted to split lunch with her. I agreed. She ordered it and I got distracted dealing with work issues. She actually waited for me to eat, which was really sweet. Especially since cold mexican food is gross. Either way, I finally came out and sat down at the booth we all eat lunch at, and she parked it across from me. Then she proceeds to tell me all about her personal drama. I was goggling. This never happens. Honestly, it didn't happen much before.

As I was headed out the door that night to go to the bout (Sakura picked me up and I changed at his place) she stopped me. "I guess I'll see you tonight then." Three shocks from her in one day was almost too much.

Transition to where I tell you that after we leave the after party we most definately ran into Rogue. I got an introduction to her lady. I also got to meet her friends. She introduced me as an old friend, which kicked my ass. I've known her long enough to know that when she introduces you, if she qualifies what you are to her, then that's what you are to her. She plays her cards closer to her chest than anyone I know. Anyway, dancing with them, and with my ladies, was awesome. They played some songs from when Kitten and I first met, aeons ago, and it made me feel 18 again. I hardly ever feel that way.

I danced hard enough that I knew I was going to be sick by the time I got home. Oops on the no food. I forget sometimes. Its not on purpose. I just get distracted.

In other news, the next big holiday is coming up. I'm helping with the ritual. I'm excited. I also got some new books in the mail. I want to read all of them at once. Its killing me. There was one, however, I feel like I ought to read first. It had a handwritten note in the front. It said "To (my name), I hope this book opens paths for you as it has for me. Your path is already wide open. Love Laurie."I thought that was cool since the book was ordered by Kitten for me. There was no way of knowing my name. Its previous owner was a Wiccan by my name...I don't believe in coincidence. I also met a lovely Wiccan lady at work the other night. It was refreshing to talk to her. It made me very happy. She gave me her number and I plan on getting in touch with her very soon. Talking to her gave me a profound sense of peace.

We gave away one of our kittens last night. One of the strays. It was wonderful, because I knew the girl who took her and this kitten had never looked so happy, beautiful or peaceful before. Honestly, I thought she was the mankiest, least adoptable one we had. But my coworker saw something beautiful in her, and it was like she was transformed. I was amazed. It was nice to find a good home for one of my kids.

I went through a series of emotional shocks over the last couple of weeks, as well. I don't know that I am ready to talk about it yet. I don't know if I will be any time soon. What I will say is this- if I seem melancholy try to be patient with me...if I seem wistful, remember what its like to feel keep disappointment. If I seem angry, well...that's just me all over isn't it? I'm doing my best to cntrol it. So far I have. Lets hope I manage to in the near future as well. I came close to spitting fire a few times recently. I don't want to mess up all the karma I've been working to build.

I recognize that some of the things I go through I bring on myself. I recognize that karma will pay me back when I've done wrong. I'm receiving some of that payback now, in a form I never expected. I should have, but I didn't. So I deal with the shock and I try my best to move on.

The biggest comfort I have are my sweethearts and my friends. I realize now more than ever how special the two women in my life are. I don't deserve them, but I'm thankful I have them. I've never seen two people more patient with my idiocy and emotional volitility. If it were part of our cannon I'd swear they were working towards sainthood. I know I am a test to them sometimes. I only hope I am a reward as well. I also have two very wonderful friends who seem to always have the right words for me. They're the ones who feel with me, who understand me best, and I hope I always tell them how great that is. I love it when one of them gets all fired up on my behalf, even when they know I am partially in the wrong in a situation, just because they can't stand the thought of me hurting. It takes a special friend to do that. Especially knowing later they're going to both empathize and kick you in the ass for what you've done. Its special.

I actually dont have the time to keep talking at present. I'm going to be late to work because I've spent all morning spilling my guts to you. But you're worth it. And you're here for me, like you always are. I appreciate it more than I can tell you.

There's something I wanted to tell you-

No matter how you feel about anything, whatever situation you're in, show yourself the respect you deserve, and sometimes a little more. We sell ourselves short too often. Don't do that. You're pretty special.

I love you.
AGxx

Also, I've given up not using song lyrics in my titles. Its a habit of almost 7 years. I am tired of trying to break it. I have worse ones. Also, this one is courtesy of Swisslet. I read his earworms last night, and I'll be damned if I didn't wake up with one in my head. Thanks, pal. :)