I Don't Really Want To Be Seen In My Own Eyes

So its been a really long time right? But every now and again it seems like its good to get things off my chest, or to just write instead of micro-blog, which I do all the time on Tumblr, or to get distracted on Facebook or whatever it is that I'm normally up to when I should be in school and keeping on task. Fortunately for me, Kitten wanted to go to the library this afternoon to do some stuff for work and that leaves me here, in the library, on a snow day with not much to do but reflect. Its almost like its 2008 again....And since I had some recent food for thought...well, here I am. Again.

hello, old friends.

So we went to lunch with a friend of ours today and we were talking about working out at the gym. We're all pretty frequent work out partners, so its not uncommon to talk about it. We've started some new classes with them and I find I am much more challenged than I am by the other ones we're taking (not that my water classes and my cardio classes aren't killing me...I just never wish I was dead halfway though in them....) Anyway, the topic of what we think about while we're working out came up. Our friend was in the military and she said she always hears her drill instructors in her head. Kitten said she hears music- whether its what's on the radio or whatever she's earworming. She uses the beats to push herself. When the topic of what I heard came up, I answered, entirely honestly, that I hear myself. I've got a picture in my head of what I want from me, and I hear myself, over and over, saying that this- what I am now- is not good enough, its not what I want. It pushes me.

I was a little taken aback when our friend suggested that I might need to get help because of it. Her position is I'm like this all the time, with everything and it indicates I might need to get psychological help to fix it.

I want to preface this with what will seem like excuse: I don't think how I feel is unhealthy. I don't hate myself. I like myself better now than I think I ever have. But I want things from myself- a better, healthier body, perfect grades, a Masters in the next five years, a farm, a fistful of friends that care about me. I want to be more compassionate, more feeling, more humble. I want to be less angry and less afraid. I know myself. I've given myself too much slack, too much room to pity myself and too much time to wallow in my shortcomings. I don't think its wrong, now, to push myself as hard as I can. It makes me better.

Some people might see that as going overboard- but I know what I've accomplished. I've got perfect grades. I've been invited to join the honors fraternity, which was my goal last semester. I won our public speaking forum because I pushed myself to stop being afraid, to never rely on anything but myself when it came to my speaking ability. I'm at head of all my classes and I am learning, quickly, to love the subjects I feared. I'm in a degree program I started out knowing almost nothing about, and I'm already making huge leaps towards my career goals. I have a great marriage. I'm good at my job- hell, I'm good at every position in the restaurant I work at. All of them. The only person better than me is Kitten- and I'm never going to cook the way she does. I'm at peace with that. I've lost 12 pounds since December. I'm almost to the point of putting back on the muscle weight I'll need. That's huge. I'm not afraid to look in the mirror when I wake up anymore. Its because I'm doing the best I can for myself- and it has nothing to do with hating who I am. I am holding myself to my standard: to give myself the very best I can, including total commitment to being 100% honest and accountable to myself, all the time. I don't look at that as something that I need to fix. To me, its not weakness, is strength.

But all of that, all those things, in the light of who I am now may seem extreme. Because she's a new friend, I haven't had the time to tell her all the things that you know about me. What I know about myself. But if I did, I would have told her of all the progress I've made.

I don't see my body the way I  should. I know that. But I've overcome my eating disorder. I know what I see in the mirror isn't real. And I know that I'm always going to struggle with my weight, and my looks. But I also learned to set reasonable goals, to know what's healthy for a woman my height and age. To know what I want from myself and to learn to love and accept what I see. To accept the love that everyone around me gives me- just because I see something different doesn't mean they're wrong. And in spite of some of the terrible things that have happened to me, I don't see my body as damaged goods, or unworthy. I can see myself of something whole and beautiful and worthy of love and perfection. That's a gift only I can give me. And I know, always, that anyone who is allowed to see any part of my body is being given a gift from me.

I'm clean. I've kicked my addiction. That was a struggle, and every time I think of how I am not strong enough, or not good enough, I remember coming out of it and how hard it was for me. I remember how sick I felt, how afraid I felt.  I remember feeling weak, pathetic. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not a slave to anything in my life. That's a lot of freedom to give yourself.

In spite of that fact that I have what most people would call a terrible self esteem, I don't hate myself anymore. I've forgiven myself for my mistakes. I realize that I can't blame myself for everything that's happened to me. I also know that when I have to accept the blame for a bad decision, that doesn't make me a horrible person. I don't punish myself for things I've done. I don't allow myself to dwell on the past- as much as I possibly can- and I've finally stopped replaying in my head every mistake I make and every failure I've experienced as I go to bed each night. That's huge for me. I don't believe I owe anyone any part of who I am. I believe I deserve better than second best from anyone. Once, I would have accepted friendship and love that was half-assed or inattentive, thankful for anything anyone gave me. Not anymore. And I've stopped making apologies for who I am and what I love. No one gets to determine what's worthy of me but me.

Most of all, I know I'm capable of love and compassion. For most people, that wouldn't seem like much of an accomplishment, but because of who I am, I know that's huge. I've faced the darkest parts of who I am and I know, in my soul, that part of me is very cold, very calculating. I know there's a detached, angry woman who lives inside me and I have to take her and use her to be stronger. I am better than the manipulation I am capable of. I am more than the motivations of my fear and anger. I have learned, finally, as a result of my former self-loathing, how to spot it in others, how to see the needs of the people around me; and I am able, now, to hurt and feel for people in a way I never was capable and really never wanted to. I'm not afraid to give myself away anymore, and I am capable of accepting love and compassion for others without the fear that I am pitied or thought less of.

I fight myself for control all the time. I know that. I push myself hard, maybe more than most people. But after all this time, after all I've been through, don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to give myself, to demand from myself, only the very best? I don't want to let myself down. I want to be proud of my accomplishments. I want to be remarkable, because I am capable of it. I don't like failure but I can accept it- the only thing I cannot accept is that one day I will look back and see I didn't give myself every possible opportunity to be the most whole and happy person I can be because I didn't try hard enough. There's so much to this world. I want to see it all, I want to feel it all. I want to know everything there is to know. I won't get there by taking it easy.

After all this, though, I see that I am capable of forgiveness too. Because I inherently think if she thinks that, it could be true, right? I need to fix myself, right? But I know me, better than anyone else. I can forgive myself for the strain I feel. I can forgive her for hurting me by saying that, because it did hurt. But after all this time, I know, just the way you do...I'm much more. I've come so very far, and its not something that she can see, because she doesn't know that me yet. She hasn't seen me in that light. That, on its own, means I have to let that comment go and forgive. It does, though, give me a chance to see and reflect on my own progress and abilities and be thankful for what it is I've become.

I'm never going to be perfect, but I'll never stop trying. I don't think knowing I'll fail makes me foolish in pursuing that which is futile. I feel braver, stronger, knowing that I'm going to give myself the chance to be more than I ever thought I could be just a decade ago.

I'm worth that.

I love you. I'm glad you came by to listen. You're always welcome here.
AGxx

I Would Prefer She Didn't Empty Her Syringes Into Your Arms

I'm going to preface this post with a warning, I've been a little bit angsty, and I am getting all my issues off my chest right now. This my involve me talking about people in my life. It may mean it involves you. I'm sorry. But this is my space, and its time for me to leave everything on the table and move on. If you can keep handle of the drama...read on. 

Sometimes its difficult to remember that there's a plan. That I have one, and that life and the universe have one for me.

The last month or so has been really interesting for me. I've experienced a lot of growth. I've had a lot of change in my life. We have a new dedicant for our coven. I was getting on track with my bills (oh, my bills, the never ending game of catchup from all my prior bad decisions) I've been growing spiritually, I've been forming and reassessing new bonds with people. I felt like things were moving forward.

Then last week happened. And it rather feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

First things first, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an addict. I don't use now, but I used to. I'm 11 years clean and I take a lot of pride in that. I used to have a big problem. I recognize, too, that those feelings never really go away. Temptation is usually only a line, a pill or whatever away. So I stay away from that stuff. Anyone who has ever been invited into my home knows that's my one hard and fast rule - you never bring drugs of any kind into my home. If you do, that's the last time you step over my threshhold, and its a deal breaker for friendship. If you love me, you'll keep that shit away from me.

As you may have read, I had my wisdom teeth out not too long ago. (two weeks now?) They gave me some serious drugs for my pain. I appreciated it. I can't take any NSAIDS, so ibuprofen and aleve and all those guys are out. I can't have over the counter medication and quite a few of the prescription ones are off limits to me too. So I usually end up with opiates. This is fine, most of the time. I get what I need to get me through, and its over.

The wisdom tooth thing, however, brought to my mind the real trouble with being an addict. I unquestioningly took those pills every four hours for an entire week without thinking about what it was doing to my body. How sad and foolish of me. I know better. Within days my body had formed a habit for them. I didn't really realize it until last weekend when I left my pills at home when I went to work. Then my body reminded me how terrible a come down can be. I had cold sweats and hot flashes. (and let me tell you, when its a 100 degrees in the back of my restaurant, that's an amazing feat.) I was shaky, irritable and frightened. I was paranoid. I was tired and my body was threatening to do all sorts of things, from faint to go into full-blown migraine mode. I knew none of it was real. None of it. Still, when I got home, I took a pain pill because my (lack of) tooth was hurting. I instantly felt better.

By Monday I knew I was in trouble. I turned over the pills to Kitten  in the morning and told her not to give them back to me. I don't need them. Cue a really bad day at work where I spent most of my free time in the back station we don't keep open during the week sipping sweet tea really slowly and trying to pull myself together. I bit off Oscleot's head and I knew I was in trouble when Flyguy came to find me, tried to hug me and make me feel better and I couldn't even relax in his arms. He's the safest person I know outside of Kitten. Bad day.

I think the thing is, I'm really disappointed in myself. Sakura tells me not to be so hard on myself. I mean, I had to take the pain pills. There wasn't an option. And I can't help that my body formed an addiction so quickly. (I still, by the way, want one. Thank Goddess Kitten hid them in case my willpower gave out) Still, I should have waited when they wore off to see how long I could go before I needed another one. As I told Flyguy, other people letting you down is tolerable most of the time, but letting yourself down is impossibly horrible. You feel like the worst person on earth.

After a week of detoxing, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods, I've almost returned to normal. I can eat a meal without being sick to my stomach (turns out the doctor was right- that mystery illness I had last summer was a result of my former drug use. The symptoms are exactly the same) I can almost go to the bathroom with regularity. I have leveled out my moods. It will be okay. I'll never be that careless again. Lesson learned. Even if I do feel like a fool.

Over the weekend I also got to deal with work drama. There's always drama at work, but this time it actually involved me. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, for the first time since I've become a supervisor at Casa Bueno, I stood up for myself. It didn't end well. There's was lots of confrontation to be had, and I hate confrontation. Especially now that I'm trying to get ahold of my anger issues. I don't want to loose my cool at my job. I fought for it this weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to maintain calm. But the long story short is one of our managers left the company and I'm pretty sure the staff thinks this is a direct result of what I did. It isn't, but it will be perceived that way. I'm bracing myself for all the drama that is going to fall out from that. The other supervisor who doesn't seem to particularly like me very well anymore (she used to) is good friends with the one that left, and I feel like I've got to be careful. I never meant to upset or offend anyone.

When we got paid on Wednesday, my check was significantly smaller than it had been. Yesterday I asked about that. It turns out I got served for a garnishment (hello, old unknown medical bills) and someone had signed for me. I missed my court date and chance to settle, and from what I understand, I would have been able to. Now I'll be having to call attorneys and crap to see if I can pay this old bill without the $2,000 interest that is going with it because of the garnishment. Stupid. And upsetting. And the upshot was, no one told me.

I felt like my world had moved a little off kilter. I'm going to try and take care of it next week, but it looks like I won't be getting paid for the work I do for the next two weeks or so...the courts move at a snail's pace. And I'll be working as a supervisor more the next few weeks, so I'm going to be working for free. I've done it before, I love my company so I don't mind taking the hit every now and again. I just wish I had time to prepare myself so I could have some money stacked away. I mean, I did just drop the $1,000 we had laying around on my teeth. Ouch and a half.

Our regional manager is coming in this weekend, and I'm terrified that it isn't going to go well for me. Our GM and HM are going to be out of town. This would be the perfect time for an angry and disillusioned supervisor to throw me under the bus. I'm praying that won't happen. If it does, I'm secure that my GM will get my back when he comes home. I want everything to run smoothly while he is away. So...I'm a little stressed about work.

Cue personal stress in the form of one former coven member who is taxing my limits of perfect love and perfect trust. I won't name names, because I'm a good person. But most of you who read me with regularity will notice when a person who was formerly in a lot of my posts disappears. Yeah. You have this one figured out.

Anyway. This person and I have had a conflict personally over the last few months. To my best understanding, it came from them telling me about some life decisions they were making that they were unsure about. I was clear I wasn't judging them, but I also told them that if they had to ask me how to feel about it, they probably already knew how to feel. One of those decisions involved their life partner, who is also someone I am close to, and it put me in a tough spot.

Over the next couple of weeks they became increasingly angry with me. They stopped coming to coven meetings. They bailed on a holiday. Then they disappeared, only to resurface long enough to try to make amends, get angry when I didn't throw fluffy bunnies and rainbows at them, and then disappear again. The trouble is, the coven notices that sort of thing, especially when the after-effects of their bad decisions start raining down on everyone in the group mind in the form of bad karma. And you know what? They had a right to know what was going on. But sometimes you're supposed to respect confidences.

Last week this person, along with all the coven members, received an email from me letting them know that we were finally putting our governing principles (think bylaws, or code of conduct) in place and that everyone would need to get together to read them and sign them. Its time for us to lay down the ground rules. I thought we could wait until our coven got bigger, but it became apparent to me that no, it couldn't. It was time to start playing a real game, and stop playing Calvin Ball. This person came to me and let me know they were sorry for their actions. Then they gracefully bowed out of membership, recognizing that the code of conduct we had set would probably be something they weren't ready for. I appreciated that, because it was mature, and also saved me the trouble of possibly having to throw them out at some later date.

I told this person, who is an old friend of mine, that they were still my friend, and that was something that would never change. This person decided to test that theory yesterday. I'll admit, I was already in a bad mood. I've been dealing with a lot, I'm post-pill grumpy and I just found out someone at my work screwed me (intentionally or otherwise) out of about two grand. I knew they were coming because we had talked about it. They were coming to have some buddy time and catch up because we haven't seen each other much.

When they got to work they had brought someone with them. I would have been delighted if it had been their partner, because I love their partner with all my heart. But it was someone else. Someone I could have gone the entirety of my life without meeting and been fine. This person was the root of the conflict this person and I had gone through and to me, it seemed like both a slap in the face and a colossal insult to my integrity. I couldn't believe they could be so insensitive. I ignored the part of my brain that said they were doing this on purpose, I want to think the best of people. Suffice to say, I was not charmed to meet this other person, and I was fighting with all the dignity I had to be cordial and polite. I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

The staff, who knew that me and my friend (?) had been fighting were at first delighted to see that they were there being a pal. Then they asked who the other person was. When I explained they were aghast. Let me tell you something, when a grown adult can shock and horrify a teenager with their callous behavior, its bad. Maybe they just thought that my friends were better, more mature than that. I sure did. Either way, I got several loving pats on the back. At least my staff loves me, right?

So all of this bad stuff has left me feeling a little heavy, a little hurt and a little off kilter. I try to be an upbeat, inspiring person. That's what I was born to do. This week, its been hard. I've had a difficult time finding my serenity. I've been clutching at the straws of my happiness.

I will say this. I'm lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Sakura has kept a running dialog with me about the goings on, and has given me a lot of love. Felix, new to me as she is, has sent me love and light every day. Its an indicator, to me at least, that she's a good person to have in my life. Shorty came over and spent an evening with me. We had a nice time. Flyguy, for the first time in months, made it over to spend another evening with me. I got two whole uninterrupted hours with him. I realize now how very much I had missed his company. There's something wonderful about his sincerity and his lightness. He's like a constant recharge to my personal battery pack. He proves there are good people in the world. He's one of them. My partners have been loving and supportive in all of this. They spoil me rotten. They took me shopping so I'd feel pretty, they cooked me dinner so i'd eat. They held me when I was feeling awful. They understood when I needed space.

My world isn't ending. Last night, at the suggestion of my friend Batik, I went out into my back yard and just sat. I let the earth and the evening fill me up. I let the energy of the garden i love so much tend to me for a change. I watched all my stray kittens play in the yard. I watched the moon rise- and I swear she never glowed so brightly before. I realized this- despite how overwhelmed I feel, it only takes moments for me to be grounded. I have to trust that I make good decisions for myself. I have to give myself a little slack, because everyone makes mistakes.

I've been building a good life for myself. I used to work in construction. Let me tell you- there is never a project that was on time and on budget. There's extra expenses, nasty surprises and sometimes there's delays. Sometimes its so hot you can't hardly move for fear of suffocating. Sometimes it rains so hard all you can do is bail out and brood about how far behind you get. But every now and again everyone pitches in, you get the day's work done and there's time to do a little extra. The boss is pleased with your work. You collect your paycheck and head off to the bar for a beer and a moment to laugh and dance when you put your favorite song on the jukebox. Let me tell you a secret. My life is just like that.

I'm saving my quarters for the jukebox, because its not going to be long before the day comes that I'll be ready to let go and laugh.

I do it all the time, after all.

AGxx

There's Something About This Place

Yesterday was painful. I'm determined to have a better day.

As the days grow brighter and warmer things at Casa Bueno start heating up as well. We get busier during the spring and summer, and with that comes a whole new load of challenges. We've got a fairly young crew. Okay, they're green as Easter grass. When we start getting busy, they have a tendency to panic. Its hard not to get caught up in that feeling. The energy that surrounds you almost always has an effect on you whether you like it or not.

I try really hard not to let the things around me get me down. I wear bracelets and necklaces to help me contain my personal energy and keep my auric "fingers" as Kitten likes to call them turned inward. Sometimes it works. Sometimes its not so effective. Its difficult sometimes to take a deep breath and remember that its not the end of the world. Things go wrong, but if you handle them calmly, a lot of times things can go much smoother. Guests, I've observed, are usually more understanding and patient if you communicate with them, and if you can keep the look of terror off of your face. Of course, the way my coworkers react also makes a difference.

When everyone else is in crisis mode, its hard to stay calm. Its difficult to get people to teamwork with you. Its difficult to get anything done. When everyone is so focused on their own panic they can't see the world around them, well, they stop doing the neccesary things like stocking, teamworking, and breathing.

I bartend today, which means things will probably move at a slower pace for me. I don't mind it, honestly. Will I miss those extra three tables in my section? I doubt it. We have to be seriously busy for everyone to have a full section. Our restaurant seats 300. If we are that busy, I'll have other things to worry about. Its nice, too, because that extra bit of wiggle room gives me a chance to help others out, maybe make things a little easier than they are at the moment.

I'm trying very hard to remember that with the big holidays for us approaching (St. Pat's, Cinco, Mother's Day) my crew is going to be put to the test. I'm a senior crew member. I need to be there for them. I need to help them, to give them the tools they need to succeed. Because honestly, if they don't, I suffer too. I've trained a lot of our crew. I want them to be able to use the tools I give them to be happy, hard, efficient workers who make a lot of money and draw guests into the store. I hope I can do that.

In other news, I am having a weird work week this coming week because we are driving up to Kansas City MO to go see Katie Herzig in concert. I'm looking forward to it. A couple of days off with the girls will be a good time. Precious is coming with us, so we'll have a nice time with her. While we're on our way home we're going to stop off in Cat's city to say hello to her and spend some time with her, since she's moving in a couple of weeks. Maybe next week. I think next week. It'll be nice to see her. We also have a gift certificate to Hastings, which was a very generous Yule gift, and I'm looking forward to spending it. It'll be nice to have access to a bookstore that isn't Barnes and Noble.

Speaking of books, I was looking at my shelves and I realized I probably need to do a cull of them. I have a lot of books and we accquire them at an alarming rate. We've gotten about ten books in the last week alone. I need new shelves and I don't have anywhere to put them. In better news that's related, I think Oscelot is giving up her bed. We talked about it yesterday and its awesome, because that will give us a little more wiggle room. It also gives me the opportunity to do some much needed rearranging in the house. Also, more room for bookshelves. Our bookshelf with Pagan books on it is overflowing now, and I need a bigger one. Between Hedgewitch and I, we've got quite a collection started.

I also need to read them. I've got a few I've read cover to cover, but most of them I pull out as I need them, which is not as useful. I'd rather know what's in all of them, it makes research go much faster. It also makes other work go much faster. I've got a list four people long of natal charts I need to cast.

My list of witch responsibilites is growing. We've been looking at formally structuring the coven, starting the Wicca 101 and 102 type classes for learning purposes. We also have to start establishing degree structures, so that we all know what we're working for. I've done the research and its looking like based on most coven structures I'm almost second degree. I'm a lot farther along than I thought I was. Still, I have a long way to go. We're thinking on Beltane we're going to start the official year and a day process for the coven seekers, so we can formalize that too. I'm not too far from becoming an official gartered preistess. Its exciting.

I also have a lot of work to do as far as spells and learning goes, and I know it. I have some friends who are looking to get together and "conjure mojo" as they lovingly call it. I have no problem working with practitioners outside my coven, sometimes its a breath of fresh air. Of course, there are other people who are learning about what I do, and that's good too. It gives them an opportunity to look inside the practicing Wiccan mind and the mind of my spiritual family. I think there's also a prospective new coven candidate out there, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes.

Oastara is almost upon me, and I have to plan ritual for it. I might actually be able to do this one outdoors, which I am looking forward to. The winter months are difficult because we can't spend as much time outside as we like. I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with the earth around me, it makes me feel more grounded.

Outside of the natal charts and spell work, I'm learning hoodoo right now. Well, the basics of it. Its an interesting form of spellcraft, and I think our group can benefit from it if we use it in the right way.

Kitten has taken a real shine to herbal work, and I'm rather suprised to see her excelling in herbalism. I thought it would be Oscelot that fell into herbalism and kitchen witching. Somehow, though, I feel like I shouldn't be shocked. Kitten is a god cook, and she understand the importance and beauty of herbs. She's always had a natual bent towards healing. Its good to see her actively pursuing a part of the craft she loves. I think sometimes she gets frustrated because there are things she doesn't naturally excel at, and that makes her feel like she's behind. I keep trying to impress upon her that she holds herself to a hard standard, seeing as Hedgewitch and I have been practicing for a much longer time. It takes a lot of time and focus to learn how to control your energy and the energies around you. Hell, I'm still not great at it sometimes. In a control setting, yeah I'm awesome, but put me in a practical setting and I struggle every now and again.

Herbalism will be great for her. Last night she made me an infustion for a headache and she not only knocked the headache out, but put me to sleep before nine (a near impossibility without drugging me) and I slept a solid 11 hours. Its impressive. Although, according to them, when I went to bed I was completely incoherent, and nearly drooling on myself, so maybe, youknow, moderation in couple of those herbs, but otherwise she did a fine job.

Oscelot had her birthday yesterday. We got her a set of runestones. I think she'll really enjoy using them. I look forward to seeing her find something she really excels at too. I want to see everyone in our group succeed, and I think this may be her foothold into the practice.

As for myself, I know where I need to go and what I need to do. Unfortunately, its everywhere. But I think if I sit down and work out a regimen for myself, a schedule of studies, my life will be easier. I read quickly. I absorb well, so I think I can manage. The trick, for me, will be pairing all this new knowledge with spiritual growth.

Its on that note that I want to conclude. You see, sometimes I think we don't pay too much attention to they way we are, how we change and how we grow. I'm really aware of it. I think part of that has to do with the fact that by the time I came back to Kitten, I was in a bad place. I had made strides to change myself and I had...but it wasn't in the way I wanted. I had let myself down. Since then, in the last four years, I think I've had a lot of time to think about who I am and what I want to be.

I realized how far I had come the other day. I had a phone conversation with my ex Beloved. She and I have, uh, very different life outlooks. In the course of our discussion she asked me if I really thought I had changed since I stopped seeing her, because honestly, she didn't see much change. Now, granted, we see each other maybe twice a year and we talk infrequently...not as much as maybe I'd like to...but I suppose that's life. We had been discussing Kitten's impending departure, and some of the troubles I had faced recently with Oscelot.

Point is, she pointed out that there was more to life than love. That it doesn't matter sometimes how much you love a person, because eventually the reality of life steps in, and you are inevitably disappointed with that person. She thinks that relationships that don't work out aren't successful. She thinks that there has to be a constant grounding in reality and you have to focus on the practicalities of life. The reality of who and what a person is. In the end, to Beloved, you look out for yourself and you make yourself independent.

Idon't agree with her at all. I think at one point, I might have. I think that I might have even tried doing that for myself. I think she has some points. Yes, you should be independent. You should look out for yourself. But I also think there's a sadness about the idea you can't trust anyone but yourself. I know personally that sometiems you can't even do that.

Here's my idea...you trust people. Not to the point of stupidity, but you should give them a chance. When they let you down, you access the damage to your relationship and move on from there. You work hard to repair it. If you can't, yeah, you move on and its painful. But you never cut the cord of a relationship lightly. People will let you down. We have free will and sometimes the choices we make are bad ones. That's okay. Karma takes care of that. If a relationship doesn't work out...well, you and that persona are not failures. You're different. Its okay. Take what you can from it, remember what that person gave you and taught you. That's what makes even a "failed" relationship a success.

I don't like the idea of complete independence either. I'm dependent on my partners and my friends. I need them. They give me perspective and keep me motivated. They keep me in line when I need to be, and help me let my hair down. They remind me of my better qualities when I do fail, and they support me in all my successes. I would be terribly sad, and much less fulfilled, if I didn't have a degree of dependence on them. I think they feel the same way about me. I think that I'm there to do those things for them.

I've grown so much the last four years. I'm a mature woman now. I have my health in good control. I know how to deal with my pain and anger. I've learned when to walk away from a fight and when to stand my ground. I've learned compassion in ways I never thought I could. I've learned love in ways that amaze me every day. I learned how to look into myself to find peace, and how to look everywhere to see divinity. That's a beautiful thing. I think anyone who's read me for any time that exceeds the length of this blog could tell you I've changed. Yeah, do I puton my best face when I write? I try to. But still, the person I am seeps through. And I think the person you see now is a better, more whole one than before. I'm proud of that. I plan on making that something that doesn't change.

Over the years, I think I'll look back and be satified with what I've done for myself. I think my friends will be proud of me. I think the changes I make will become more apparent as time goes on. I'm glad for it.

Here's to another day where I get the chance to grow. I'll report back and let you know how it goes.

AGxx

Just Like A Domino

It must be spring, despite the recent cold snap. I feel like cleaning. This morning I've gone through my whole house like a madwoman, tidying, cleaning and in general trying to get things in order. I've already started a pile of things to take to the local goodwill, and I have a list almost two pages long of things I want to get done over the next week.

I go through this every spring- the wild desire to get things in order. With Kitten likely to be gone over the summer I've been trying really hard to think of all the projects I want to get accomplished while she's away. If I am going to do that, the house has to be in perfect order, so I'm starting now.

I'm trying to convince Oscleot to get rid of her bed. I know she keeps it out of sentementality, though I can't understand why...and she hasn't slept in the damn thing in almost two years. It takes up a lot of space in the house and I've got about a hunderd things I could do with that space if she would get rid of it. Also, there've been tornadoes in our area recently (yep, its that season) and I think it would be nice to be able to donate a nice bed to someone who actually needs it. I'm working on that one.

We planted some climbing roses a couple of days ago around our arbor and I can't wait to see how they bloom out this spring and summer. We've picked out a birdbath for the center of one of my rose beds, and I'm looking forward to going and getting it, so we have something to offset the massive amount of blank space in the middle of the bed. Its almost time to start weeding, feeding my soil and getting in the dirt again. This year I want to get some more irises and line our driveway with them. I have a whole set of lights to line our walkway with, and I'm going to get on putting them together soon , so we can put them out.

Yep, its looking like a productive spring in store for me.

I think I'm going to take the time this wednesday or thursday to pull all my books off the shelves and clean the shelves and then reorganize the books. It will make my living room and library look much tidier. I'm planning on painting the living room and getting it a little cleaner looking while Kitten is away. I've had this idea for a while I might buy a couch over and the hand cover the throw pillows for it, just so things look nicer. I'm thinking I can manage that.

I've been worried, a little, because Kitten has been in a terrible mood the last few days. I think a lot of it has to do with the impending separation. I know she worries, and she has a lot on her mind. She's going to be turning the finances over to me, and I'm sure she's terrified I'll ruin her impeccable credit rating. I'm also thinking that this thing of being away is making her more distant, maybe she's trying to deal with it now. I'm not sure, but she's been more standoffish lately, and its meant that I've had to give her a little more space than I want to. I mean, I want to crawl all over her, because I want to be close to her while I can. I know better, so I'm trying not to smother her, or give her a reason to be more grumpy, but its hard.

Emotionally, dealing with the thought of her being away from me is less difficult than I thought it would be, although how that holds up once she's gone remains to be seen. I'm trying to put it into my head that she's not going to be very far, and that she'll be doing a really great thing. I'm super proud of her, and I want her to know that. Sometimes I doubt my ability to be the kind of partner she needs, but I am trying really hard. I mean, we love each other, there's no doubt about that...but I'm terrified of letting her down, though I would never tell her that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can pay bills and keep the household running. But she's going away and improvig herself and making it so that we can have a really gret life together. I'm more worried that when she comes home, I won't have made as good a use of the time as I could have, and I want her to be proud of me. I want her to come back and think that I'm an awesome wife, and that I do great things too...

We'll see. I'm going to do my best, and I suppose that's all that I can do.

I'm off to work, where I will hopefully make a lot of money. I want to sock back as much as possible while I can. I've got this plan to save a huge amount of money while she's gone. I want to be able to have her look at the bank account and be really suprised at how well I did. I want to pay off at least one bill while she's away to suprise her with. Most of ours are pretty huge, so we'll see...but I think I can manage it. Also, I want the bank account with the money for the down payment on our new house to be nice a fat when she comes home too. That I know I can do. I have a feeling I'll be working a lot more than I expected this summer, but I won't mind. I'm going to make the best of things.

Enough of my worrying. I have to dash.

Love you all.
AGxx

There's Nothing That I Won't Try

Its that time of year again. Yep, my calendar shows we only have one more day after today before 2011 is gone forever. I don't regret it, with the coming of each new year there is always something exciting and different. I like change. I like newness. You know me well enough, novelty is always welcome.

But, as always, it is time to evaluate and look forward. Now, technically, I do that on October 31, and my new year started a couple months ago. But, if you separate the spiritual new year with the calendar one, well- now's the time, isn't it? I'm terribly afraid all of you religious blog readers are going to be bored, for I know every blogger must feel compulsed to do this kind of post. My only reassurance is that you must like me, or you'd not be reading, so progress for me might be interesting to you, no?

I suppose I ought to start off with what I was resolved upon last year. I can't seem to find my dang list, but I remember what I was planning on last year. My big ones were 1) to read a new book every other day or so for the whole year 2) not to reread any books I've already read and 3) to be down to two cigarettes a day by Jan 1, 2012. I failed. Epically. I did read quite a lot of books, but I have a tedency to pick big ones, so of course I never did make it to the 127 mark. But I did read quite a few new books this year and I enjoyed them very much.

Among my new ones that I enjoyed were the Inheritance Cycle, by Christopher Paolini; The Sex Lives of Cannibals and Getting Stoned with Savages by J. Maarten Troost and Band of Brothers by Steven Ambrose. I picked up some non-fiction too, reading about the court of Henry VIII and about Elizabeth I. That was fun. I have lately become addicted to the series of Books of Useless Information. They're great fun to read. So all in all, I'm not angry with my showing of new books. I did, also, reread my favorites. It turns out that the call of Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice and The Count of Monte Cristo were too much for me. Although I made it until March before I broke down.

I am obviously not down to one cigarette a day. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I will say this- I smoke less than I did. I also realized I'm not a person who smokes because they are stressed or because they want to loose weight or whatever. I honestly like to smoke, and I like the flavor of tobacco. Since me quitting is more a health thing than anything else, I'm considering investing in a hookah. Shisha tobacco is less harsh and tastes better. I'm relatively certain if I had a hookah at home, I'd quit smoking cigarettes. I'm just snob enough to confess it. If I have good tobacco at home smoking Marlboro at work will not suffice for me, and I dont have time to roll my own or any of that sort of nonsense. And hookah takes too long to smoke at work. Haha.

Now, outside of those failed resolutions I have had a good year for personal change. I've learned a lot about myself.

Sometime just before May, when we officially formed our coven, I began to think about my personal flaws. I know I have many, but the one I kept coming back to most often was my anger problem. It was something I decided at that time that I really wanted to work on. Since then, with the help of my coven on occasion, I've really taken the time to think before I get angry and conssider whether or not I am really mad, or if I need to be. I've been taking a moment to consider whether or not a vertain situation that makes me angry will really effect me in the long run, and Ithink my temper has improved by leaps and bounds. Now, I'm not perfect, not even close...but I do think I am much closer than I was to embracing the darker side of myself and using it for something mroe than counter-productive and often futile fuming over nonsense.

As a result, I have found I am actually able to meditate. I can travel astrally with much more ease. My spellwork has seriously improved. Not to mention, I am much more plesant to be around. A side effect of me learning to control my temper is that I have been forced to work on my patience. I won't lie, sometimes work is a trial to me. Its not that I don't like my job or the people I work with. For the most part, I do. I'm really very lucky. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when I don't want to claw the walls. Instead, I am learning to take a deep breath and try for perspective. Even in my persoanl relationships, I find myself practicing patience. Part of it, for me, is realizing (as I did earlier this uyear) that I am a rather high maintenance partner. I'm nto demanding, but emotionally I carry a lot of weight. I also require a lot of physical affection and constant reassurance. My recognizing this has made me much more patient with regards to Oscleot and Kitten. I feel bad for them sometimes. I never regret them loving me, but I do know sometimes I don't make it easy. As a dedicated partner, I have foudnt here are often times I must be patient with them. I find it easier to do now, especially in consideration of how often I think they must be patient with me. Again, I know I fail more frequently than I ought, but I am much more in control now than I ever was.

This year at work brought promotion, and with it I learned to face my terror of failure. I aldo had to face my fear that everyone hates me- and accept it. I've come to terms with the fact that as an older staff member, one of the most senior ones, and one of the most dogmatic about the way I do things, I'm natually going toh ave people not like me. Add in that Ihave a reputation (rather deserved actually) of being a huge bitch, and yeah, I can't really expect most people to like me. I'm okay with it. Now, I have tried to be more reasonable, I have tried to be fair and good to our staff. I think its helping me succeed, because they are very willing to work with me, and for that I am really grateful. Of course, I know that I screw up now and again (okay, a lot) but I think I am gradually overcoming that terror that one day I'm going to walk into Casa Bueno and they're going to say "Alecya, you're a terrible supervisor,and we realized we don't like you. You're fired." I have to give my bosses credit, they wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that I don't worry about it all the same.

With regards to relationships (outside my romantic ones, with Kitten and Oscelot, which you get to hear about all the time) I've found a firm footing in my world for once. I thought that I was really a rather lonely person until this year. After years of feelig like my friends were not really my own ,I finally have that sense that I belong somewhere. The forming of our coven brought Sakura to me, much closer than we had been before. In the crosswires I was lucky enough thast Hedgewitch and her husband came into (or back into, rather) my life. I've missed that old sense of connection, and there's nothing like an old friend tohelp give you perspective and love, and remind you you aren't nearly as screwed up as you think you are- or that if you are, well, aren't we all?

I made a few mistakes, I think. I mistook some of the people It hought were my friends. I made some relationship mistakes that ended some friendships. But, I'm pkay with it. I think to myself now, I deserve people who love me at my worst. I do. And Ithink, sometimes, I erringly pick people who only see me at my best. It doesn't help me to do that. I have to be willing to let people see me when I'm not at 100% or hell, barely at 1%.

In that light, I lucked into Flyguy, who has already seen me sick more times than I care to admit, and who despite all of my oddities, has stuck me outand become a spectacular friend. His goodness is only equalled by his humor and his ability to see right through all my rediculous pretensions right into what I really am, which most days is a silly girl, playing at being a woman, trying desperately to cover up the fact that she is terrified of everything. In fact, I mentioned to him the other night, sometimes it amazes me how terribly vain and compeltelyinsecure I canbe all at once. He smiled at me, and his response makes me feel so much better, so terribly normal, that I can't help but love him for it. Of course, working with him is a bonus, because I feel much less isolated and old when I work with him. I can't believe I ever thought he was a personality void. Turns out, friends, first impressions are not everything (who knew?).

Through all of this year, and I have to mention her, because Iknow she's reading and wondering where the hell she's atin all of this- Perpet has become a better friend than ever. Seems like the distance between here and the rose City is gradually shrinking because we will it to. I was so happy to see her at Yule, I couldn't believe it. It seems like light has burst into myhome, and I am thankful she and the Boy were there to be with me for it. Also, in case you didn't know, she's going to be a famous author one day. Seriously. She's well on her wya. I couldn't be prouder. This year she has given me more good advice, more comfort and more laughs than just about anyone.

So, you see, I've been a very lucky woman. Of course, I have other friends, other people who bear mentioning here, but Iwould bore you with a laundry list of how fortuante I truly am. Although (Bobcat and Lynx) I have to make a special shout out to the people in my Kitteh family, because they do mean so very much to me.

Normally, I suppose, this would be the time when I talk about the resolutions I've made, and how I'm going to achieve them. But the one thing I've learned this year is that soetimes growth isn't quantifiable until after its been achieved, and the things you can count aren't always the ones that should count. Instead, I will say this. I want to keep working on my anger. I need to keep working on my patience. Spiritually, I've aquired apatron god, one who willingly reminds me that I am vain and rather silly. They are things I know will need to change for me to be a happy, successful person, and witch. At Yule, rather than wishing, I blessed myself, and I chose more friends, love, health and spirituality. These are things I already have, yes, but they are things I want to keep and to grow in this next year. I want to grow my skills as a witch, and I want to grow myself as a person. I can't quantify that. I can say, though, that in hte next year, we can watch my progress together. And you, my friend, will always be there to remind e that I've chosen to make myself better, and that once a choice is made there isn't a way to take it back.

I sincerely hope that each of you has found many blessings this year. I hope that 2011 was kind to you, and that when it wasn't you were able to bear through it. I think we can, together, approach 2012 with the Grace and Humor we all hold within us. We wouldn't be friends otherwise, right?

Lord and Lady Bless you. Be safe, and have a wonderful start to your new year. I'm glad for you being here. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us.

AGxx

I Want to Let It Go and Go For It

This is a picture of me, earlier in the week. Its also a picture of me at my most relaxed this week. Hooray for pool time.

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Seriously. I don't think I've been this tired in a long time. I was tired enough this afternoon that when the girls went out to go play around town i stayed home, pleading a nap. I was actually so tired I couldn't sleep. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes there were a million thoughts running through my head. None of them were relaxing.

I am immensly grateful that Sakura had us over to go swimming this week because I think I might have lost my mind if I hadn't. Work has been stressful. I was training all week. We have three new servers at Casa Bueno, and I'm one of the few trainers, so I had the immense pleasure of working with two of them almost every day. I think I've mentioned before, I don't really care for strangers, so having a stranger follow me around all day, and me having to talk to them and make a personal connection is more than a little taxing. Monday I was training a new guy, and I honestly didn't think he liked me all that much. He was pretty quiet, and trying to get information out of him was like trying to get through an airport in a suit made of razor blades. I had him again Friday night, and honestly, once he came out of his shell, he was great. I actually like him.

Wednesday I got to train our new sweet girl. She was helpful and nice and kind. The problem was, we were busy. Really busy. Trainees slow you down no matter how competent and awesome they are. To add stress to an already tense situation, our reigonal manager (who also happens to be the VP of our entire corporation) was visiting, and sitting right next to my incredibly full section, watching me get my ass kicked and try to teach this poor girl something at the same time. I was relatively vindicated that he told me afterwards I was a great trainer, and then went and bragged on me to my boss. I needed the ego boost.

I picked up a shift Thursday night so I could have a chance to make some money without a trainee attached to my hip. It was a relatively good night. Except I pissed off our hostess. She never says much to me, and to be honest, out of all of them I like her the least. She asked to bum a cigarette from me. I told her no, I wouldn't give her one, because she's sixteen. She asked me what my point was. I rolled my eyes and walked off. If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.

I worked a double yesterday. In the morning I was sans trainee, so I had a decent day. We were busy, I had a good time. I also happened to have a good friend texting me, and it kept me in a plesant mood. Well, it did when I had the chance to sneak off and check my phone. I trained again last night. It was fine, we weren't busy anyway. To tell the truth, I don't think he learned much, we spent a lot of the evening just chatting.

Today I woke up in a hurry because Oscelot had to run to the bank before we hit work, and its the hardest day of the week to open the store. We worked hard, my customers were...well, I could have liked them better. The new local smoking ban also started today, so no smoking on the clock. This sucked. Other resturants, including Kitten's Happy Waffle, let people sneak outside to smoke. Nope, we just don't get to anymore. By two thirty I was itching. Hopefully I will get over it, and learn to cut back. Hopefully. But its over, and tomorrow is a new day. I also get to go back to work tomorrow night and begin manager training. I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday morning before I went into work we went out of town with Kitten's mom to go see a local tourist attraction. It was about an hour drive, but we had a good time. We went and saw this stage show featuring housepets that do tricks. It was pretty cool. The cats did all sorts of things I now want mine to do (fat chance) and were completely adorable. They also had a bunch of birds that did fun stuff like ride bicycles, play basketball, you know...cheezy stuff that's fun to watch. I like birds, so it was neat to see them up close anyway. I really enjoyed it. We also stopped off at my favorite restaurant in the downtown and had lunch. I ate until I was literally sick to my stomach. So, totally worth the trip.

I've also worked on my new novel twice this last week. While I am not making a ton of progress, the fact that I've worked on it at all is good. I'm struggling through the hard parts now. I would be avoiding it with my typical flair if it weren't for my favorite genre writer, Laurel K Hamilton. She released her 20th book in the Anita Blake series last week and got to do a guest blog on the Borders website in honor of it. One day she was talking about the blank page and leaping head first into your manuscript, trusting that you and your characters will catch you. I had to make the decision that I trust myself, and the people I am writing, enough to make mistakes that can be fixed later. I have to trust my betas and my friends to point out where I go wrong, once I finally get it finished. The thing is, if I don't finish...I'll never know. I've got to get back on the horse.

So this week I've been facing my big fear in writing-human emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have a complete and total disconnect to the way people really think and feel. To me its important that not only the writing be organic, but the emotion be natural too. So I've sat and dreaded what I'm about to do to my characters, and I've contemplated how they feel and how they will react. I've written a little, and I've thought a lot. Now I have to dive in, completely let go, and trust that I can capture the feeling on the page. It takes a lot of faith in yourself to do that. I think I can. No- I know I can. Even if I have to work at it.

I know where my story is going. I know where my characters end up. I know what they are thinkign and how. Now all I have to do is get it on the paper. With so few chapters left, I think if I really push myself, I could be done by the end of June or early July, which gives me time this summer to tear it to shreds and rewrite it a few times. If I work at it. Someone is going to have to keep after me. But if I have someone there to do it for me, and I can find the will inside myself, I think I can have this thing polished and ready to go by the end of the year. That's the goal anyway.

Speaking of goals, Oscelot and I were talking when we went skating this week, and I think there's a possibility of me hitting the books, just a little, in a year or so. I could at least take a few classes, get back in the swing, and start working again. I would love it. I have so many friends that are getting close to their degrees, and they talk about how sick of school they are and all I can think is how jealous I am. I've been really contemplating it- how far I want to go, what I will do for money that isn't writing books, what job I could get and what jobs I might want. I've been working on the ideas for masers and doctoral papers, what I would want to discuss, what I would want to specialize in. Its exciting. Its a beautiful thought, that this dream might actually happen for me. Of course, thinking about it means I worry about it, so I try to only daydream it from time to time.

There are possibilities now, though, that weren't there a few days ago. It makes me really happy.

I'm exhausted. Its time for me to sleep. I wanted to tell you all about how we gave our cats their summer bath tonight, but I'll have to save it for another day.

Here's to living the dream (and for once, I'm not being sarcastic) This coming week, take a moment, think about what you really, really want. If its within reach, if you can work for it, go for it. Take those first steps. And if I can, as your blogger pal, do anything to encourage you or help you, tell me. Some of you have been with me a long time. We've been working for the things we want for years. Your support, your friendship, have driven me through some seriously bad stuff. Your support and friendship have seen me through that first novel. You'll see me through my second. And hopefully through them all.

I love you all.

Live the dream.

Seriously.

AGxx

Also, you might notice, I have two new people in my blogroll. Gayle is an excellent writer friend of mine, whom is very dear to me, and also bery talented. And very published. (I couldnt be prouder to be her friend) She writes about her writing. You'll like it. Especially if you write. New Pound Glory is one of our local rollergirls. She's a rookie, and learning to live the derby dream. She's also learning balance, hard work, tough adult choices, and how to reach for the things you want. I just recently stumbled on her blog. She's a fantastic read.