Charge of the Crone

Its not often that I post something directly related to Wicca on my page. Yes, I discuss it, but coven rules rather tie my hands when it comes to actually talking about the goings on of our day to day workings. However, I was working on the Samhain Ritual yesterday and I was looking for a Charge of the Crone to do for the ritual rather than the usual Charge of the Goddess. Unfortunately, I did not find anything that I truly loved online, and my resources outside the internet proved a little dull as well. So I took it upon myself to write a charge that I loved, that I felt was appropriate to the holiday and to the spirit of the Great Lady whom it was about. I was rather pleased with my results, so I thought I would share them with you. I don't feel that me posting this will reveal any coven secrets. So.

Hear Ye the words of the Crone, the dark goddess eternal, who has been called Cerridwen, Hecate, Inari, Morrigan, Kali, Grandmother, Wise Woman and by many other names:

Come my children through the dark of night and seek me. Though my face be shrouded in the veil of the new moon, my power wanes not. I am the wise woman, who guides you through your hardships and strife, the great midwife of your transformation.

Though you may face your greatest terrors, fear me not, for I bring you that which you need- for I am the source of knowledge eternal and the keeper of all secrets. And these be my gifts unto thee: strength and courage, wisdom through experience, and the excitement and freedom of lessons learned.

Seek these within thyself and there you shall find me also. Surrender your fear and ignorance- with my shining sickle I shall cut them away. Then shall you learn compassion and love and find completion of spirit. I wait for you to call to me to reveal the lessons within thyself- for behold! I am the balance of the scales of light and dark, the interim of life and death. From me all things dance forth and it is I who awaits you at the end of the spiral!

It probably needs a little more work, but I am quite happy with what I was able to do. It makes me feel wonderful to be finally connecting to this aspect of the Goddess, because she is possibly the most misunderstood and the most feared of all her aspects. To me, she has always seemed beautiful, and very open and welcoming. Maybe growing up with a house full of strong women has caused me to be less afraid of them, and more admiring. I like a woman who can take charge, who has great mystery and power within her. Having been forced to face the darker aspects of myself, having grown the way I have as a woman and as a witch, I suppose it is no shock to me that I identify with the Crone aspect more than others. 

I feel very blessed to have been able to have written something that I feel is a lasting tribute to one of the mot beautiful parts of my beliefs. 

I hope you enjoyed it. 

AGxx

PS- any visitors, I am happy to allow you to use my work, however, in print, I would appreciate that you contact me first, via email, to obtain permission. Within your own personal work, of course feel free to make use of it. Bright Blessings to you.

What Are You Waiting For?

Its only been a week and it seems like the difference in me is palpable already. I know I made the right decision.

Its funny, I've had a better time at work this last week than I have in years. I think its the lack of pressure. Its not that I am doing any less work, or that I am not trying as hard. I simply do not feel as though everything I do will have some sort of lasting consequence. I am seeing everything as clearly as I possibly can. I was right about some of my coworkers being wonderful, wanting to stay in touch. I'm genuinely surprised at the number of people who have told me they will miss me. I honestly thought most of them would be glad to see me go. I laughed when one said so, and told her that I thought they would be glad to be rid of a pain in the ass head case like me. Spice, with her usual touch for words, quipped, "Yeah, but you're our pain in the ass head case."  Sweet, right?

I've been stunned that most of the staff seem to think that I am leaving as a result of something Shorty said to me a couple of weeks ago. I'd ask how they know about it at all, but I have a lot of faith in the gossip mongering of my staff. Truth is, I'm a little more thick skinned than that. And I am friends with Shorty. If she pissed me off, I'd tell her to her face. She wouldn't have wanted me to quit. As it is, she put in her notice because she has moved to a new job, and if that were the reason, well, I'd stay, wouldn't I?

I did have one (well meaning, I'm sure) coworker approach Oscelot and tell her that she needed to be sure I loved her before she started supporting me without a job. Oscelot and I had a good laugh over that. Partially because we're so used to people misunderstanding our relationship and partially because that seems really cold. I mean, given different circumstances it might have sounded like this "I know your girlfriend has an incurable disease, but if she isn't giving you enough attention, you should let her die." It also has to do with the fact that this person has always been really, really nice to me. I was almost surprised. Then again, I am usually suspicious of people who are nice in the workplace with no apparent motivations. There's always a motivation. Either way, Oscelot reassured me she knows that I love her. Wasn't it her and Kitten telling me I needed to quit my job? Didn't they tell me to? And aren't I going to find one that won't hurt me when I get my health all pulled back together?

Still, life is better. I feel more relaxed. I don't feel quite as tired as I did. I am also feeling much happier and more productive. It seems like there are a good few of us going through it right now. Like one of my other dear friends, I have been feeling the compulsion to write. I actually got some outlining done last night, well, most of the novella I am attempting. I've promised myself I am going to make another go of it, and hopefully, I will be able to get back on the horse. There is, of course, the feeling that I might not be good enough. I'm going to find out, aren't I? I think I am good enough. I know I can write.

As a bonus, NaNoWriMo is right around the corner and I'll have plenty of time to write then.

In other news, we've been spending a lot of time with Adidas lately, and she and Kitten spend a lot of time at school together. they have a similar class schedule. Sakura and Felix have been spending a lot of time over too. I got to meet Felix's partner. He's a nice guy.

Mabon ritual went well, despite my lack of planning. I actually thought about starting the Samhain ritual this week. I;m going to have it done really early. With the help of my coven, of course. I think all the elders are going to work on this ritual, so it ought to be really powerful. I can't wait.

Renaissance Faire is just around the corner. I've got to finish the sewing post haste. I can do it. I've got a whole week before the faire that I'll have off.

I was also lucky enough to see my cousins this last week, and while I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with them, something is better than nothing. I've been really enjoying the family bonding I've been doing the last month or so.

All in all, I'm a pretty lucky woman. I'm off to work, and then to lunch with the girls and Adidas. I might talk Flyguy into coming with us too. Then I have to write. And sew. And then I have two days off, in which I will totally be ready to bore you with the details of my life.

All my best, to all of you.
AGxx

If God Had A Face, What Would It Look Like?

I can say without doubt that this post is of the complete opposite tenor of my previous one, but there you have it.

I've been doing more reading this week on Wicca and the history of Wicca. I've also spent much more time looking at older traditions of my religion, including Gardenarian and Alexandrian Wicca. I have to say, its really not to my tastes, and its given me a completely new perspective on my religion as a whole.

I have to first say, in all honesty, I truly believe there is no such thing as one right path, even in Wicca. I think that spirituality is something that is fluid and has to relate to the person who is practicing that particular form of spirituality. When I blog, in the following, that I don't particularly care for something, it isn't me saying it is wrong, only that it doesn't resonate for me. This does not mean I feel the people who use such practices should change, or that they are bad, or anything like that. It only means I relate differently. I still respect the founders of these traditions because they have done much for my religion as a whole, and their contributions are both large and valuable.

Rather than boring you with a history lesson, I will instead direct you to information concerning Gardinarian Wicca and Alexandrian Wicca. Feel free to read up, it will give you a much better idea of where I am coming from with regard to my thoughts. In fact, it might also give you a good background to look into Janet and Stewart Ferrar as well, as most of my thoughts have come from reading their excellent books on witchcraft: The Witches' Bible, The Witches' God, and The Witches' Goddess. They are wonderful, well written, informative books. If you are interested in learning more about the general history of Wicca, both in its more ancient forms and in its modern incarnations, I would suggest reading Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, an excellent journalist and practicing pagan.

I will also add, in case you've missed any of my other posts about wicca, that I (along with Sakura, Kitten and Oscelot) am a tradition head for a new form of wicca. Or I should say, if my coven ever hives, I will be. A tradition head simply means that I have founded my own coven and that I (and by I, I mean our group) have created an eclectic coven that operates on its own principles and beliefs within the Wiccan framework. Should, and I hope it does, our coven ever grow past 13 members it will "hive" or split off from the original coven, practicing under new leadership the same things the current coven does, acting as a "daughter coven" which would relate to the older, original coven. The hope is, of course, to have several hives, and a large group of practitioners that relate to your particular brand of wicca because it brings them joy and comfort.

That said, I've had a lot of food for thought in the last couple of days. Part of this is a direct result of reading these books and becoming more intimately acquainted with the particulars of Gardenarian and Alexandrian rituals and coven practice. They really aren't my style. Part of that is that there is a certain ancientness and solemnity surrounding their ritual. Part of it is that it is very solid, there is no change. The ritual for Beltane, for example, is the same every year, and so on for all of the holidays. That, also, is not to my tastes. There is also a certain...I don't know...feel you get from the books I've been reading that while we are all very open about agreeing there is no one right path, the authors of the book feel that if there were one right path to be chosen, it would be theirs. It almost borders on dogma.

As you know, I am a very take it or leave it kind of person. Whenever we have people approach us about joining the coven or wanting to know more about it, I am very open about our ideas and practices. If they like what they hear, we can talk further. If they don't, well, I appreciate their time and we all move on with no hard feelings. I don't believe there is room for dogma in any reasonable religion, because you have to be concerned with other things. I don't have time to fight about whether I am right or wrong, I only need to know that I and my coven feel right about our practice. That has to be enough. We have other things to think about- like living good lives, and playing by the rules, etc. I'm all for theological discussion, but I am not into argument. I don't have the energy for it. Two people can be philosophically very different and agree to respect each others opinion even when they don't see eye to eye.

There was one passage in particular very early in the book (The Witch's Bible) which in specific gave me that impression:

"Interestingly, what Doreen Valiente has done for Gardenarian Wicca in Witchcraft for Tomorrow, Raymond Buckland has done for another tradition, Saxon Wicca, in The Tree, The Complete Book of Saxon Witchcraft. That, too, includes a simple but comprehensive Book of Shadows and procedures for self-initiation and the founding of your own coven. We found many of the rituals in The Tree admirable, though we were less happy about its eight Festival rites, which are even scantier than in the Gardinarian Book of Shadows, and amount to little more than brief spoken declamations; they are based on the idea that the Goddess rules the summer, from Beltaine to Samhain, and the God the winter, from Damhain to Beltaine- a concept to which we cannot attune ourselves. Persephone, who withdraws to the underworld in winter, is only one aspect of the Goddess- a fact which her legend emphasizes by making her the daughter of the Great Mother.

However, to each his own; it is presumptuous to be too dogmatic, from the outside, about other traditions of the Craft. What matters is that anyone who wants to follow the Wiccan path but cannot get in touch with an established coven, now has two valid Wiccan traditions open to him in published form." (The Witches' Bible, p.29)

To me, this passage gave the impression that because the Saxon tradition chose to focus on Persephone as an archetype, and that wasn't really the authors' thing, that they were probably wrong. I wasn't a fan of the phrase "Too dogmatic from the outside" because I don't think you should be too dogmatic at all. It seems as though its maybe more acceptable to them to badmouth other traditions only within the privacy of the coven circle. It goes, to me, directly against one of the basic laws of the Craft "do not gossip or speak evil of other witches." Maybe I'm wrong there. I could be.

Anyway, with that at the outset of my studying, I felt a little unsettled with the book, and wondered how I would feel in relation to their other ideas. I won't bore you with a chapter by chapter analysis of the book, you can read it if you want to. I will say that I did enjoy looking at the basic rituals for all of the holidays, and for how they are relevant to them.

It was not for me.

I believe, very firmly, that wicca is an experiential religion. I think that interaction with god (and by god I of course mean the god, goddess or great spirit, The All, or however you express divinity) is something that is personal and has to relate directly to you. I think there are things that make less sense as a modern witch in some of these traditions than they would if we were still living at the turn of the century. Do I believe that god has existed since before time, is ancient and ageless and perfect? Yep, I sure do. Do I believe that this god is the only god there is? No.

I dislike the idea that god has to be some bearded man in the sky, or some crone sitting on a throne in a castle made of clouds. I see them that way, but I see god as both constant and ever changing. Because god is in everything, and everything changes, then god must change too. How else can he be relevant in a modern age? I think this is why some witches are into ceremonial magick, which involves pop culture references, because it is something relevant that relates to them. To me, its not something I am ready for, because I am more immersed in the things around me than pop culture, but I understand it from the view that we must see god in all places, rather than in one.

To me, the idea that god can only be spoken to in flowery, old fashioned language is an insult to the deity. They created the world which we live in, and have watched and existed in the changes that humans manifest. They would surely understand this blog post as well as they would a Shakespearean sonnet, right? (Maybe better, who writes in sonnets but bards?)

I have a hard time accepting that just because a way of doing things is older, or has been done more often, means it is better or works more effectively. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes not at all. Experience, then, is the only test of what really works for a person.

Another thing that I found irksome was the implication that if you were not living in the country it was hard to be in touch with the earth and the seasons. This is particularly insulting because we practice an earth based religion where the cycle of the seasons marks the turn of our year, our lives, and gives significance to our holidays. To tell me that if I can only view the change of the fall into winter from my window at my house in town rather than seeing my field frost in the country makes me less attuned to the earth, is the same as telling me that because I drive a car, I cannot relate to the feeling of walking or riding a bicycle or a horse. That's silly. Its condescending to say that when I note to myself that its time to get out the winter sweaters and scarves that this is my only way of marking the passing of the seasons is purely insulting. I may not have fields but I have a yard, and gardens and parks and lakes very close to me. My garden may be small, but it is mine, and I tend it with as much love as I would a whole crop of wheat.

My relationship to the earth, indeed, is one I could argue is as strong, or more strong, than a country person's because I crave the earth more- having less access to it on a moment to moment basis. I appreciate the fruits from my garden more, because I am not always able to have them. They are wonderful to me, and I understand the barrenness that comes with Lammas, Mabon and the dark months better, because I have less to store and enjoy during those times. Don't I count the months in which I wait to seed start? Don't I wait, too, for the blooming of my first flower in the spring?

Maybe I am wrongly indignant, but to me, saying "poor little city witch, you'll never feel the seasons the way I do" is hurtful and marginalizes my experience with the earth as a witch because I am not fortunate to have the means to live on a giant farm or commune. This is not the path for everyone. And to marginalize that path because it is not yours? I call it hubris.

There are other things, too, that bother me. Grated, this book was written in 1981, and those traditions were founded long before the gay liberation movement, or even the women's right's movement, but there is a distinct distaste projected in the book for gay covens and gay coven members. They say they do indeed, have gay friends, and gay coven members, but the coven members were only allowed in when they were able to "assume the role of their actual gender when in a Wiccan context."  Thsi could of course lead to a lengthy discourse on whether or not a person's actual gender is their sex organs or what is in their soul, but lets all agree to what is obvious- I think that's a silly thing to require.

I also seem to feel more than a little reverse discrimination in the idea of these forms of wicca, and its something that bothers me deeply. I do know that I practice a goddess centered religion. As the High Priestess of my coven, I am the supreme authority, and the High Priest is second to me. In our mythology, the mother goddess never dies, whereas the father god is sacrificed twice a year for the sake of fertility (that's an oversimplification, but you get the gist of it). However, it seems wrong to me not to recognize further the polarity of nature. Is there not light and dark, day and night, frost and fire, god and goddess? Everything has a mate, a match, an opposite. This, to me, seems something that should hold true in the religious structure as well.

Sakura, who I am blessed to work with, is our High Priest. He is my dear friend and partner in this spiritual journey. In other traditions of wicca, it is not uncommon for a husband and wife to be high priest and priestess. However, we are both gay. I can say though, he and I understand each other fully, and there is no question in my mind of how we ever need proceed. It is an excellent partnership based on trust and love. His contributions to our tradition are no less significant than mine. It bothers me that as a priest of the wicca, he may be accorded the honor of "strapping on the sword" which is his right as a High Priest and a tradition head. It is his symbol of manhood and strength, and of the gifts of the god. I may wear a garter, with buckles for each of my daughter covens, and it is my honor and right as a High Priestess and tradition head to do so. What upsets me is that I may also strap on the sword. But Sakura may not wear a garter, because he is a male. I suppose this is to signify that while a woman can imbibe and even imitate the strength of a man by using an imitation phallus, a male may never understand the female experience because he cannot get rid of his penis.

I call bullshit. What about Oscelot, who has both sets of chromosomes, though she has a female's body? What does she do? May she only strap on the sword, because of her Y chromosome? I find it puzzling. I do see, with respect to Dianic Wicaa, which is all female, the need for a woman to strap on the sword. But what happens in an all male coven? Do such covens even exist? They surely must...but I have never heard of them. I would be interested to see what they do in such a situation. Polarity, to me, and the recognition of balance, seems so much more important.

The only other thing which I truly disagree with is the opinion of working skyclad, or naked. Now, I completely agree that if you want to and you have a private place to practice, its your right. I mean, it goes without saying you can raise great energy when you are not working with clothes- there is less between you and the rest of the universe. But there was implied that working with clothes on, choosing not to be skyclad was a result of three things- the first, vanity. If you are thinking of how you feel  naked, you are more concerned with how you look than how your soul looks. The next is prudery, which I won't even argue, because you can read the post I made before this and know I'm not a prude. Finally, there is the implication that modesty is something that is imposed upon all of us by the patriarchal society that we live in. The man, they say, is trying to keep me covered.

I disagree completely. If my body, in its divinity, is something I regard as a beauty and a mystery, my source of power, why would I reveal that to someone? Even within the sacred circle, where I am with my most trusted spiritual family, I feel as though my understanding of myself and my divinity is mine alone, as their body and their divinity is theirs. Do I choose to share that with some of my circle, certainly. I am married to Kitten and I am lovers with Oscelot. however, it is only upon deep spiritual connection that I would choose to make the jump from physical connection to spiritual connection with regards to my body. As it is, I only do that with Kitten, and that's my private business.

I am not ashamed of myself. Yes, I am vain, but not so that I would be thinking of whether or not my coven thinks my thighs are fat. They seem them often enough when I wear skirts, or my underwear or whatever. I trust them to see me as I am. I don't need to be naked to touch the divine. The divine is already within the body, and in touch with me, whether I am clothed or not. And, though it may seem bold to say so, I trust my ability to raise power with my clothes on just fine.

So what has all this reflection done for me? It has made me more determined than ever to found a tradition of wicca, and to work with other traditions of wicca, who have the spiritual best in mind for their covens, where the relevance of deity is something that comes from both a modern and ancient perspective. I want to be a tradition where there is equal respect for all aspects of deity, and recognition of polarity in all places, not just in form or thought.

As I said, I am not saying they are wrong. It works for them, and practice is the only way to know whether or not something will work for you. I simply think it does not work for me, and I felt like I wanted to write about why. As I mentioned, I have great respect for the traditions I have mentioned. I have great respect for the authors in question. Without them, I would not have the tools I have now to form my own ideas and opinions. I will even confess that parts of my eclectic tradition draw from their traditions. But not all of them. Not even most of them.

I am much more clear, now, though, as to what direction I would like to take my coven. I know where I feel I have more growth to make, and where I can work to do more for the development of our spirituality and philosophy. For that, I am very thankful.

I hope my little rant has been interesting, or at least enlightening or entertaining for you.

AGxx

A note, I obviously do not own Janet and Stewart Ferrar, any of their books or covens. I do not have claim to Alexandrian or Gardinarian or Saxon witchcraft. In general, nothing is my own except my coven and my opinions. I do, however, encourage you to read them in full to get a full picture of their ideas and thoughts, as this is merely my reflections and impressions of their work. Their ideas are their own, which I respect. I have no intention of offending or misusing any of their works, and this post was made with the intention of expressing my love of the Craft, harming none.

Its Brought Me To My Knees

My religion is a full time job. I am not saying this as a complaint, but a simple statement of fact. If you know me at all, you know I love my religion. I find so much peace and inspiration in it. But that doesn't mean its not work.

When I first started practicing I heard all these warnings about how you had to be careful to pay attention to your mundane life...make time for other people, do things that didn't involve coven work, read books that had nothing to do with witchcraft. I laughed. How in heaven's name could you get so involved?

Oh, sweet, silly me.

As I write this, I am feeling guilty because i have about seven pagan books sitting on my desk in front of me. I need to write a couple of tests for degree initiations. I need to write about six rituals, and none of them have anything to do with our upcoming holiday Lammas. I need to finish polishing up all of my degree requirements, because I'd like to be officially initiated into my second degree, since I am halfway though my requirements for the third degree. Trouble is, I'm accountable to myself, because I am the high priestess of my coven because I am the highest ranking, most knowledgeable female priestess.

On my days off, and my evenings off, I devote myself to learning and working with other members of our coven. I write the scratch outlines of my rituals when I am on break at work and I don't have my computer with me. I'm about five books behind on what I need to be learning, and frankly, it sometimes keeps me so busy I make notes on napkins as I have ideas while I'm working at the job that pays me.

Say nothing of the time I take to meditate every day because (believe it or not) being kind, wise and balanced is not something that comes naturally to me. Its easier than it was a couple of years ago, but its not a walk in the park. I have to constantly remind myself of my karma and what path I am choosing to walk. I have to make every decision with care because I believe i should live my life harming none. That takes a lot of thought. And I'm not always successful.

I have a coven to look after and help to learn too. That's a joy to me, a complete blessing. I was saying to Addidas last night that when you're called to a path of compassion and love for others, when your life purpose is to help other people learn to become what they are at their best- teaching them how to release the things that hold you back- its a blessing. You grow every time you do your work. But its also emotionally challenging, and sometimes painful. Its hard not to let the harmful energy that surrounds you on a day to day basis drag you down.  I'm trrying.

The rest of the world has a tendency to disappear when you let yourself get immersed. I was thinking just the other day that we're only three months out from new year. Well, for us. And i laughed at myself because the Gregorian calendar has almost disappeared for me. Summer is half over for me. The harvest is beginning. My year is almost done, and most people feel they are only halfway through. It changes the way you look at things, that's for sure. 

I'll say this- I am struggling this week. I am finding it hard to be in my own skin. I'm having difficulty focusing, and so i find myself trying to multitask so I get something rather than nothing done. I don't feel as inspired as I normally do...but I do feel that pull of the compulsion to work, and to let myself be guided by the spirits who know better than I do. That's the one beauty of being psychic. When I am unsure, I can let the Others take the wheel and fill me with the desire to do what needs to be done. I love that.

I'm back to working on those rituals and tests. I can do this.

Despite all the seeming moaning, it really does make me happy. And that's what really matters, right?

AGxx

I'm Wide Awake

I've had a wild week since Wednesday.

Work has been pretty intense. We've been much busier this week than we have been in the last few weeks, and it has kept me running, literally. This week we also started our new uniforms. I like them quite a bit. they look really sharp on everyone. We switched from our black pants and cotton colored polos to all black uniforms- long sleeve black button downs, black bistro aprons, and black pants. It looks good, although it is much hotter. I purchased a poplin shirt because it is a much lighter weight material than cotton. I don't know how the kids wearing cotton are making it. I've been sweating like crazy. When I woke up yesterday morning I was driving the girls to work and I smelled something terrible. It was like gym socks and dead animal...it was me! I think its time for me to upgrade my deodorant.I will say this- Spice made my day yesterday. I supervised, and now we are allowed to wear business casual dress when we sup. She told me I looked pretty several times. Vain as I am, I still feel rather unsettled about how I look (which is why I am so vain, btw) and it meant a lot to me for her to say that. Heck- Sakura and I went to breakfast and he said he didn't even recognize me when I got out of the car. (I do want to say, i wear skirts and dresses a lot. I look nice on a day to day basis. But there's something very different about me when I get into a nice formal look and wear an up-do and lots of makeup. I should have taken a picture.)

We also got a new car this week. She's an ancient blue Honda that Cat gave us because her and Brother bought a new vehicle. We named her Vanessa. She's a standard too...I know I'm going to love her already. I like to look out the window and see her sitting in front of our house. Kitten went to go pick her up on Tuesday with Mom.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not...Tuesday Addidas came and visited me in the morning. It was really nice to have the company while I chilled out on the couch and zoned from my medicines. My mouth is doing much better, although the place where my teeth were is rather starting to hurt. I'm sure it will heal up soon. I haven't been taking my meds to work with me, so I can make it through the day pain free- for the most part anyway. I've got another full day today at work, and I am hoping it goes smoothly and quickly.

Last night Sakura and I met with a new seeker for our coven, Felix. She's a really nice girl. I had a good time getting to know her. I sincerely hope she likes us and likes the group, because she seems like she fits right in. Her personal philosophy jives really well with ours, and she was very eager to learn. She even asked if we could send her home with a few starter books. I have no doubt in my mind she will have them read by this Thursday. I think she likes to read almost as much as I do, and that's something.

Kitten and Oscelot seem to like her really well. She meshed with everyone easily. I liked that. As is our normal custom with other friends, she was over pretty late, which I like despite the fact that I find myself sleepy when I wake up in the morning. (I've been making an effort not to go back to bed. If the girls can go without naps so can I!) She was really easy to talk to. If I didn't know better I would say that I knew her in a previous life. (Well, I actually don't know better, as of now, I suppose) It felt like I had known her for a long time. She was easy to chat with and I felt like I really related to her. I didn't have any trouble talking to her, and I'm pretty shy, so that's nice. I didn't feel intimidated or uneasy, and she seemed to be okay with my rather abrasive personality, so that made me really happy. I have high hopes that things will work out well.

I invited her to our next working night, because I think she'll like seeing us do our thing. I also invited her to our next Sabbat Lammas, which is coming up at the beginning of August. I'm a little stressed about that. Not her being there, just the Sabbat itself. Its coming up fast and Oscelot is supposed to be planning it with me, but she hasn't really sat down to talk to me about it. I've done some research and brainstorming, so hopefully I'll be able to get us on the ball. Its a long, hard slog and I don't want to get behind. I feel like I am already behind on that.

It seems to me like there are a thousand things I have to do, and I haven't gotten all of them done. Its going to be intense getting things caught up and trying to keep up with daily life as well. I have every faith I can do it, but I want to make sure I do it well. I did see a post on one of my friend's facebook walls the other day that I thought was completely appropriate to me. It said "Strive for Progress, not Perfection" I need to remember that. I have a bad habit of letting my perfectionism get in the way of other things. Like enjoying the moment. I asked myself for more discernment and patience. I need to work on that.

Speaking of rituals, Litha went really, really well. I was so happy about it. We got things done on time, meaning we were able to finish ritual before the sun went down. I was glad about that. There were a couple of flubs on my part, which more stemmed from overconfidence and maybe my pain killers than from lack of preparation, which i am okay with. The God and Goddess have a sense of humor, so I know they enjoyed watching me flounder for a moment. It made even me laugh. Otherwise, it was a very moving and exciting ritual. All the practice meant that I could enjoy it in a way that I normally am not able to. I was happy when I finished.

I also did a better job using the energy around me, so for the first time ever I wasn't exhausted the morning after Ritual. Sakura was very inspiring to me. He was also very patient with me. I felt a lot of power coming off of all of us. It proves to me that we are growing, and that we feel much more confident than we did. It was our first ritual where we had other members participate rather than just stay in the circle and learn and absorb energy. It made things feel much different.

Kitten has volunteered to take the Mabon ritual on with me. I'm so excited. This is the first time she has made an offer like that. It looks to me as if everyone who is a coven elder is looking to move forward with their work. We're definitely working more like a team. I like that. The group mind is becoming more solid again. I'll be interested to see what it feels like when Kitten and I work a circle together. Us being bound and sharing energy...it might make it a little different. I'll certainly report back on that. Anyway. I am interested to see how it works out. Mabon is one of my favorite holidays, so its extra special she's working on this one with me. I think all four of us are going to tackle Samhain (Halloween) together. It will be beautiful. It amazes me to see how fast the year has passed. I'm rounding the corner to my new year. It blows my mind sometimes.

Its okay though. I feel like I've made a lot of personal progress. I feel like I have made a lot of change for myself. I know I have better direction than I did before.

For those who are keeping track- I am way less angry than I used to be.

I'll let you run away for now. I have every intention of gathering my thoughts and making a post worth reading very soon.

Blessings to each of you.
AGxx

Ps- sorry about the Katy Perry lyric for the title. Its Ironic, I promise, because I feel anything but wide awake at this moment.

Witchy Woman

Yesterday was interesting. I'm not going to lie. Work was duller than it had been and that's saying something. Fortunately, Sakura and my mom made an appearance. It kept me from dying of boredom.

Last night Sakura came over and we worked on Litha again. I was really proud because i had the first part of The Charge of the Goddess memorized. (For anyone keeping track, I've got it almost completely as of this morning.) Things went very smoothly. I'm getting excited for the ritual.

When we came inside we had dinner. Dad had brought by his fantastic home made chili, and it was delicious. I'd been craving spicy food, so I was really happy. We talked over dinner while Dad chilled out in the living room and watched this DVD Kitten got for them that goes with a kit to make a solar powered generator. Its the kind of thing both of them love to do...so it was fun. I made a couple of trips into the living room after dinner and they were running their own personal riftrack on the DVD. At one point they were both sitting in the floor wagging their feet and giggling. It made me happy to see it. I like when Kitten spends time with her family.

In the kitchen, I sat down to do some work. My mom had an injury at work about a week ago and hasn't been able to work since then. I made a poppet for her out of an old sock and today I will pick up a candle for her and give her instructions on how to use it. It should be fun. I'll say this, I am really pleased at my mom's burgeoning confidence in my abilities as a witch.

After I finished that we worked on making the straw god effigy for this ritual. It was...interesting up until the point we figured out that we didn't need to make the body out of wire first. Then things got a lot easier. Just as we were finishing up, Dad came in to chat to us. The conversation went as follows:

Dad: Whatcha doin?
Me: (with raffia between my teeth) Making a doll
Dad: A voodoo doll?
Me: No, I already did one of those
Dad: Who of?
Me: My mom
Dad: Cool. So this is what? A straw man you're going to burn?
Robert: A straw god we're going to burn
Me: For our next holiday
Dad: The solstice?
Me: Yes
Dad: Want me to come over and help? I'll wear my feathered headdress...

He proceeded to dance around the kitchen mumbling unintelligible noises and grunts. We all giggled. Then he said very seriously that every culture on earth celebrates the solstices and he thinks its nice we are too. Its one of the reasons I love Dad, and our whole family. They seem not to mind whatever it is we're doing. 

With the god effigy finished and the ritual well on its way to perfected, I'm pretty excited about the things we have coming up. It should be really nice. After my little rant yesterday, I managed to pull myself together and focus. I'm feeling much better. 

I will say this, I know I'm not the only one that has trouble letting go. Our group has been dealing with an issue for a while now, and its something we seem unable to let go of, however finished the problem might be. I think its difficult to look and some changes as anything but failures, and I know none of us like to feel like we failed at something. We'll move on, we'll let go. Its just...difficult. The one thing I will say about my family is that 3/4 of us are empathic, so we take things pretty hard when the emotions start running high. 

I've not got too much to say this morning. Mostly I wanted to share our little laugh from last night. Today we are going to look at a car that one of Kitten's mom's friends is selling. We'd like a second vehicle. It would make life simpler. Also, this car isn't so nice, and won't be so expensive that if Oscelot wrecks it we won't be able to recover from the loss. She's not what you'd call a great driver. She swears its always someone else's fault....but 4 accidents in two years...I'm glad she won't be on my insurance anyway. 

I'm off to be not productive for a little bit. Its nice to take a breather. 

Oh- if you want a good giggle, I discovered through Flyguy the series of youtube videos called " Will it Blend?" and it made me laugh. Especially the Justin Beiber episode.

Right. Have a nice sunday everyone. 

AGxx 

Time of Day I Can't Recall

This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.

I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.

Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.

This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.

The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?

Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?

On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights.  Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.

When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.

I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)

Things I need to remember:

I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.

Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.  

I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.

AGxx

Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.

My Life Is Brilliant, My Love is Pure

Wow. Another month come and gone and I have been a very lazy blogger. I've been a very busy girl, though.

For those of you who aren't pagan, Tuesday was a holiday for us- Beltane. Most people call it May Day. For us, it is a holiday of fertility*. In our mythos, it is the day that the Lord and Lady connsumate their union. Its a really fun holiday. My coven had a really good time.

I actually started planning for Beltane way in advance this year, which is good. Last year, I might add, Beltane was the first holiday that our coven celebrated together so this year it was the one year anniversary of our founding. I've been trying to keep ahead of the game while the keeping ahead is good. Sakura and I are already planning Litha, our next holiday and Oscelot and I are working on Lammas together which is the one that follows after that. Its nice to have support and to have everyone pitching in.

The ritual went off without many issues. Now, originally we were going to do it outside, because its a great holiday for the outside and we like to be outdoors for ritual as much as possible. Unfortunately for our plans, though, it stormed the night before and our space was a bit like a bog. So, indoors we went. I wasn't bitter, its been hot already and the plants need the rain badly. I had backup plans anyway. Instead of a maypole we had a wreath that we baided indoors, so that worked out. We still giggled and had a good time. Rather than a belfire we had a big ring of candles in the floor, so we stepped over rather than jumped. But it was good.

For various and sundry reasons it turned out that only the founding members of our coven were able to be at ritual. It was a special night for us, we got to take time to look back and see how much progress we've made in the last year. Its meteoric, honestly. I'm really proud of everyone. Having that chance to be with the people we started with was really special. I enjoyed it quite a bit. We also got to take time to affirm the new goals we have for ourselves, and there is no doubt in my mind that we will meet them.

I look forward and i see us meeting our challenges head on. I'm excited to see the progress we're making. A year ago Oscelot could barely focus, and now she is earthing well, selecting a specialty and dare I say it- writing a lot better than I do when it comes to ritual prose and poetry. It puts me to shame. The stuff she wrote for this last one was beautiful and it stirred us in new ways. I was super proud. Sakura is becoming more and more the partner I've needed in the journey, and his wisdom and insight are always healthy for me. For being a fire sign, he has a remarkable way of grounding me. I suppose he's good at taming the fire inside me, the same way I am good at nourishing the things that grow inside of him. Kitten is a total powerhouse, and watching her work with her new specialty is amazing. Some nights we'll sit and work and do our instructions and I would swear she was tuning out from her place in the captains chair if it weren't for the fact that she always retains whatever it is we're talking about- whether she's listening or reading a book or staring off into space. I appreciate that about her.

As for me, I've found my no-space. I've learned to let things pass through me, so I can be more objective. I also have learned to make peace with my own psychic abilities, which are far different from those of the people in our group. It took me a long time to recognize that while I don't receive epic visions in meditation, I don't have wild dreams every night guiding me and while my vistis from my patron deities are far less frequent than those in our group, I still have gifts that other people can recognize. My innate sense of "knowing" is a wonderfl thing, something I took for granted up until recently. I never took time to appreciate that I can sense an aura without seeing it, that I can read tarot but I don't need the cards, that palmistry is second nature to me and that there's a letterbox in my head where I get direct messages without having to meditate. That's no small thing, and I didn't see that for a while.

With these moments of recognition, I can see where it is that I have most to grow. I have control issues still, personally and magically. The more I recognize it, though, the more I am able to learn control. I've began journaling more lately, and with it has come the realization that while I love myself, there are some parts of myself that I really don't like. I know (and don't object, those of you whom I know love me) that I am a vain person, that I'm proud, that I have a hard time letting things go and that I have a tendency to become obsessive about things. These are all faults, but they are things that if I face head on, I can turn to my advantage. Vanity can become confidence and self love. Pride can stimulate quiet humility and expertise when controlled. Obsession can become dedication if I allow myself to learn when and where to apply my ability to tune other things out in the determination to have what I seek. All of these things are good for me, if I let them be positive traits rather than negative ones. All I have to do now is learn how to do that.

Yesterday afternoon I cleansed, consecrated and empowered some of my newer magickal tools. One of them was a scrying mirror I purchased some months ago. At Sakura's wise suggestion, I empowered it with truth. I think he hit the nail on the head. With all of my abilities, I need to learn to seek what is real. What is honest and what is right. I think that's something I am learning to do. As I begin to use it, and as I work through my issues each day, I know that I have to take time to step away from my intense emotions, and my indecisions and feelings of doubt and become aware of what is true and real. I think my life will be much simpler if I can do that.

I expect things will get harder before they get easier. The last month hasn't exactly been a picnic for me. I know I spoke about the trip to the hospital, and I think even now I am feeling the effects of that visit. I am still tired quite a bit. Although I am no longer in pain, I know its almost time for me to cycle again, and I worry about how it will feel this time. I've been feeling more stressed, because the busy days are coming at work and I've got to keep my head on strait if I want to be successful there.

Personally, I've found my relationships becoming more complicated. I've discovered recently that some people I know are not entirely what I thought they were. This isn't a bad thing, just new. While it is something that takes perspective adjustment to get used to, I think its something that has made me as a person see things more clearly. I've discovered sometimes I make assumptions about people, and they aren't always right. I've discovered that I sometimes assume other people know how I feel, and they don't.

More than that, I've discovered that there are a lot of people in my life that I thought understood me, and they don't. It turns out that my motivations seem just as mysterious to other people as theirs do to me, regardless of how much I think I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think I'm really clear about my intentions through action and word. I feel like I'm honest about how I feel about things. But somehow, I'm not being clear enough. I find that frustrating, but I'll work to be more clear and to be more (heaven forbid!) direct about my wants, needs and opinions. Somehow, in the last month or so, I've discovered that even the people I know best, that know me best, are sometimes incorrect about the way I look at life.

I was discussing this with a couple of people the other day, because I am constantly suprised by the amount of people who see me as a cheerful person who is always in control. They see my life trucking along at a good pace. They see me as some sort of charismatic person who is able to win others over and get people to work with them at no cost of effort to myself. It amazes me. Because honestly, I'm not happy all the time. I have a happy life, but that's very different from me never feeling the effects of stress and anxiety. I have to work hard to control my emotions, and sometimes I don't think I do that great of a job at it either. I struggle, nearly every day, with the emotional burdens that I carry. My life does not run as smoothly as everyone seems to think it does.

Now, I do want to say, I have a good life. I have good friends that I love. I have a couple friends I am very close to, that I know would do anything for me, who accept me as I am- seeing those flaws other people look past and loving me (not just in spite of) because of them. I am learning to handle my stress and anxiety, i am becoming less stressed than I was. But those things that stress me out (work, coven issues, family issues, my personal and emotional issues, Kitten's school and work, etc) are never going to go away. I can only do my best to assimilate those things into my life in a manner that's conducive to me dealing with them. I'm extremely fortunate that I have people in my life who don't care that I'm an emotional mess sometimes, because they know that when they need me I'm going to be there to help them sweep up the remnants of whatever wreck they're in.

This has definately been  a month for reflection, growth and shadow work for me. I'm looking forward to May being a more upbeat, cheerful month. My garden is in bloom, the girls and I set about making the one in the back a little healthier. I've got big plans, and if Kitten's intership falls through I've already gotten permission to go ahead with her suprises, she'll jsut help us with them. Life at my work has been more peaceful lately, and its looking like we're getting some new stuff, making some big changes company wide, and i'm pretty excited about them. Of course, its also always a huge comfort to know I've got Shorty, Spice and Flyguy there for me, and not a day goes by that I don't work with either one of them, or with Oscelot. I've got a great support system.

In other interesting May Day news, I actually took the time to get flowers for some of the people in my life. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the custom, but on May Day you're supposed to get up early and leave flowers at the door of people you love. Each flower means something different, so selecting them is part of the fun. This year we got Kitten's mom Orchids. We actually bought her and my mom and Grandma potted plants so they could enjoy them for more than a few days. Orchids are for regal beauty. If I had a picture of Kitten's mom, I would post it so you could see, as Sakura puts it "There's no question where Kitten gets her good looks." I bought my mom a lavendar plant. Now, I didn't know when I purchased it (because I didn't have my book with me) lavendar is meant to mean distrust. I actually trust my mom now more than I ever have, so I think I look at it more as me not having the distrust anymore. Plus, Lavendar is a great flower for relaxation, and if there's anyone I know who needs to relax its my mom. I got my grandmother red asiatic (pixie) lilies. They're for majesty. I'm picking her up more next week, and I'll get a yellow one, because that's for gratitude. Those were special for me, because I didn't realize my great grandmother's home, where my Grandma now lives, used to have a full bed of them. When she passed on, my Grandma dug up the lilies for her sister, who loved them. For me, it was like giving may flowers to both my Grandma and Great Grandma, because they both loved them, and my Grandma missed them. Hence the reason I'm going to go get her more. I figure one plant is pathetic, but a whole bed as a suprise would take her breath away. The girls and I sent flowers to Flyguy too, he got Peonies for bashfulness, Irises which mean "your friendship means so much to me" and three roses- two yellow and one red for friendship and love. He asked for a cut bouquet and they look really pretty, even if I did only wrap them in newspaper.

I didn't get my coven mates flowers. Mostly because they either already have gardens, have no place to put them. I figure if they want flowers they know where my garden is, and they get all the roses and rose petal they want. Hell, bamboo too. Soon peonies, because my grandma promised me a start off my great grandma's bush, which will be awesome. Of course, I'll buy other bushes, but having my Grandma's bush will make them something special to me. Anyway, they get to spend ritual with me anyway, and we have gifts to share that have nothing to do with flowers.

I'll only bore you with one more May Day tale, and this is one you might find amusing. I sure did. Another tradition we have is to "bathe in the dew of the May" which pretty well means wash yourself with dew, rainwater or spring water collected on the first day of May. Its supposed to ensure you no blemishes and to make you beautiful. Now, whether or not you belive that, its a pretty fun custom. Since it was thunderstorming, I was unable to do what I had intended, which was hike down the the spring behind Happy Waffle and collect enough for the coven, since we were all meeting for breakfast. I could hear the rush of the lovely flash flood from the parking lot, so I figured that and the lightning and the dark were enough reason to hold off on that. So we had breakfast and washed in dew collected from our rain barrels. Well, our faces and arms anyway.

Kitten missed out on this, because she was at work. When we went as a group to pick her up we hicked down to look at the now happily flowing but not dangerous spring. Kitten asked me what the procedure was. I giggled. I had forgotten she hadn't done it, but she was determined to have her turn even if it meant dunking in her work clothes. So we sprung out on rocks in the middle of the creek, big fat ones we lay on in the summer while we put our feet in the water. Her and Oscelot stuck their heads right in. I opted for laying on my back and putting my head in the rushing waterfall beside the rock. Sakura, who stayed ashore because his shoes had a hole in them and he didn't have a spare pair, was obliged by Kitten - who filled up her ballcap and dumped it over him so he could wash too. We exchanged smiles, and according to tradition, compliments. You're supposed to tell the people with you what it is that makes them beautiful to you. It was a good time. I also think that Sakura got some good pictures of us looking like dorks while we got ourselves all wet.

In the end, though, I felt a lot more beautiful and a lot more clean. And that's what its all about, right?

I hope all of you got May off to a great start, and that you've got someone to tell you how beautuful and special you are. If not, you come find me, I bet I could help you out.

Blessed Be, my friends.

AGxx

* In hindsight, I feel like I ought to point out that fertility is not just about having babies. Its also about growth and new life. It means fetility of mind and spirit- creativity and the ability or change yourself into something new and better. This holiday, for my coven at least, is also one where not only the Lord and Lady get married, but we celebrate our being wedded to the divine, and to all things. I felt like I should clear that up, especially for those of you who know how child free I am...etc.

As a personal post script- Swiss, if you're reading...I had three different references to William it Was Really Nothing this week. Actually, The Smiths have been inhabiting my life lately. They're taking over. Not that I mind, because you were right. I love them.

There's Something About This Place

Yesterday was painful. I'm determined to have a better day.

As the days grow brighter and warmer things at Casa Bueno start heating up as well. We get busier during the spring and summer, and with that comes a whole new load of challenges. We've got a fairly young crew. Okay, they're green as Easter grass. When we start getting busy, they have a tendency to panic. Its hard not to get caught up in that feeling. The energy that surrounds you almost always has an effect on you whether you like it or not.

I try really hard not to let the things around me get me down. I wear bracelets and necklaces to help me contain my personal energy and keep my auric "fingers" as Kitten likes to call them turned inward. Sometimes it works. Sometimes its not so effective. Its difficult sometimes to take a deep breath and remember that its not the end of the world. Things go wrong, but if you handle them calmly, a lot of times things can go much smoother. Guests, I've observed, are usually more understanding and patient if you communicate with them, and if you can keep the look of terror off of your face. Of course, the way my coworkers react also makes a difference.

When everyone else is in crisis mode, its hard to stay calm. Its difficult to get people to teamwork with you. Its difficult to get anything done. When everyone is so focused on their own panic they can't see the world around them, well, they stop doing the neccesary things like stocking, teamworking, and breathing.

I bartend today, which means things will probably move at a slower pace for me. I don't mind it, honestly. Will I miss those extra three tables in my section? I doubt it. We have to be seriously busy for everyone to have a full section. Our restaurant seats 300. If we are that busy, I'll have other things to worry about. Its nice, too, because that extra bit of wiggle room gives me a chance to help others out, maybe make things a little easier than they are at the moment.

I'm trying very hard to remember that with the big holidays for us approaching (St. Pat's, Cinco, Mother's Day) my crew is going to be put to the test. I'm a senior crew member. I need to be there for them. I need to help them, to give them the tools they need to succeed. Because honestly, if they don't, I suffer too. I've trained a lot of our crew. I want them to be able to use the tools I give them to be happy, hard, efficient workers who make a lot of money and draw guests into the store. I hope I can do that.

In other news, I am having a weird work week this coming week because we are driving up to Kansas City MO to go see Katie Herzig in concert. I'm looking forward to it. A couple of days off with the girls will be a good time. Precious is coming with us, so we'll have a nice time with her. While we're on our way home we're going to stop off in Cat's city to say hello to her and spend some time with her, since she's moving in a couple of weeks. Maybe next week. I think next week. It'll be nice to see her. We also have a gift certificate to Hastings, which was a very generous Yule gift, and I'm looking forward to spending it. It'll be nice to have access to a bookstore that isn't Barnes and Noble.

Speaking of books, I was looking at my shelves and I realized I probably need to do a cull of them. I have a lot of books and we accquire them at an alarming rate. We've gotten about ten books in the last week alone. I need new shelves and I don't have anywhere to put them. In better news that's related, I think Oscelot is giving up her bed. We talked about it yesterday and its awesome, because that will give us a little more wiggle room. It also gives me the opportunity to do some much needed rearranging in the house. Also, more room for bookshelves. Our bookshelf with Pagan books on it is overflowing now, and I need a bigger one. Between Hedgewitch and I, we've got quite a collection started.

I also need to read them. I've got a few I've read cover to cover, but most of them I pull out as I need them, which is not as useful. I'd rather know what's in all of them, it makes research go much faster. It also makes other work go much faster. I've got a list four people long of natal charts I need to cast.

My list of witch responsibilites is growing. We've been looking at formally structuring the coven, starting the Wicca 101 and 102 type classes for learning purposes. We also have to start establishing degree structures, so that we all know what we're working for. I've done the research and its looking like based on most coven structures I'm almost second degree. I'm a lot farther along than I thought I was. Still, I have a long way to go. We're thinking on Beltane we're going to start the official year and a day process for the coven seekers, so we can formalize that too. I'm not too far from becoming an official gartered preistess. Its exciting.

I also have a lot of work to do as far as spells and learning goes, and I know it. I have some friends who are looking to get together and "conjure mojo" as they lovingly call it. I have no problem working with practitioners outside my coven, sometimes its a breath of fresh air. Of course, there are other people who are learning about what I do, and that's good too. It gives them an opportunity to look inside the practicing Wiccan mind and the mind of my spiritual family. I think there's also a prospective new coven candidate out there, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes.

Oastara is almost upon me, and I have to plan ritual for it. I might actually be able to do this one outdoors, which I am looking forward to. The winter months are difficult because we can't spend as much time outside as we like. I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with the earth around me, it makes me feel more grounded.

Outside of the natal charts and spell work, I'm learning hoodoo right now. Well, the basics of it. Its an interesting form of spellcraft, and I think our group can benefit from it if we use it in the right way.

Kitten has taken a real shine to herbal work, and I'm rather suprised to see her excelling in herbalism. I thought it would be Oscelot that fell into herbalism and kitchen witching. Somehow, though, I feel like I shouldn't be shocked. Kitten is a god cook, and she understand the importance and beauty of herbs. She's always had a natual bent towards healing. Its good to see her actively pursuing a part of the craft she loves. I think sometimes she gets frustrated because there are things she doesn't naturally excel at, and that makes her feel like she's behind. I keep trying to impress upon her that she holds herself to a hard standard, seeing as Hedgewitch and I have been practicing for a much longer time. It takes a lot of time and focus to learn how to control your energy and the energies around you. Hell, I'm still not great at it sometimes. In a control setting, yeah I'm awesome, but put me in a practical setting and I struggle every now and again.

Herbalism will be great for her. Last night she made me an infustion for a headache and she not only knocked the headache out, but put me to sleep before nine (a near impossibility without drugging me) and I slept a solid 11 hours. Its impressive. Although, according to them, when I went to bed I was completely incoherent, and nearly drooling on myself, so maybe, youknow, moderation in couple of those herbs, but otherwise she did a fine job.

Oscelot had her birthday yesterday. We got her a set of runestones. I think she'll really enjoy using them. I look forward to seeing her find something she really excels at too. I want to see everyone in our group succeed, and I think this may be her foothold into the practice.

As for myself, I know where I need to go and what I need to do. Unfortunately, its everywhere. But I think if I sit down and work out a regimen for myself, a schedule of studies, my life will be easier. I read quickly. I absorb well, so I think I can manage. The trick, for me, will be pairing all this new knowledge with spiritual growth.

Its on that note that I want to conclude. You see, sometimes I think we don't pay too much attention to they way we are, how we change and how we grow. I'm really aware of it. I think part of that has to do with the fact that by the time I came back to Kitten, I was in a bad place. I had made strides to change myself and I had...but it wasn't in the way I wanted. I had let myself down. Since then, in the last four years, I think I've had a lot of time to think about who I am and what I want to be.

I realized how far I had come the other day. I had a phone conversation with my ex Beloved. She and I have, uh, very different life outlooks. In the course of our discussion she asked me if I really thought I had changed since I stopped seeing her, because honestly, she didn't see much change. Now, granted, we see each other maybe twice a year and we talk infrequently...not as much as maybe I'd like to...but I suppose that's life. We had been discussing Kitten's impending departure, and some of the troubles I had faced recently with Oscelot.

Point is, she pointed out that there was more to life than love. That it doesn't matter sometimes how much you love a person, because eventually the reality of life steps in, and you are inevitably disappointed with that person. She thinks that relationships that don't work out aren't successful. She thinks that there has to be a constant grounding in reality and you have to focus on the practicalities of life. The reality of who and what a person is. In the end, to Beloved, you look out for yourself and you make yourself independent.

Idon't agree with her at all. I think at one point, I might have. I think that I might have even tried doing that for myself. I think she has some points. Yes, you should be independent. You should look out for yourself. But I also think there's a sadness about the idea you can't trust anyone but yourself. I know personally that sometiems you can't even do that.

Here's my idea...you trust people. Not to the point of stupidity, but you should give them a chance. When they let you down, you access the damage to your relationship and move on from there. You work hard to repair it. If you can't, yeah, you move on and its painful. But you never cut the cord of a relationship lightly. People will let you down. We have free will and sometimes the choices we make are bad ones. That's okay. Karma takes care of that. If a relationship doesn't work out...well, you and that persona are not failures. You're different. Its okay. Take what you can from it, remember what that person gave you and taught you. That's what makes even a "failed" relationship a success.

I don't like the idea of complete independence either. I'm dependent on my partners and my friends. I need them. They give me perspective and keep me motivated. They keep me in line when I need to be, and help me let my hair down. They remind me of my better qualities when I do fail, and they support me in all my successes. I would be terribly sad, and much less fulfilled, if I didn't have a degree of dependence on them. I think they feel the same way about me. I think that I'm there to do those things for them.

I've grown so much the last four years. I'm a mature woman now. I have my health in good control. I know how to deal with my pain and anger. I've learned when to walk away from a fight and when to stand my ground. I've learned compassion in ways I never thought I could. I've learned love in ways that amaze me every day. I learned how to look into myself to find peace, and how to look everywhere to see divinity. That's a beautiful thing. I think anyone who's read me for any time that exceeds the length of this blog could tell you I've changed. Yeah, do I puton my best face when I write? I try to. But still, the person I am seeps through. And I think the person you see now is a better, more whole one than before. I'm proud of that. I plan on making that something that doesn't change.

Over the years, I think I'll look back and be satified with what I've done for myself. I think my friends will be proud of me. I think the changes I make will become more apparent as time goes on. I'm glad for it.

Here's to another day where I get the chance to grow. I'll report back and let you know how it goes.

AGxx

Just Like a Dragonfly

Happy Leap Day.

Today is a day of transformation. Its a good day to take your pst and reenvision it, and to look towards your furture and make something beautiful out of it. I know I've already taken the time to think of the things I need to focus on, to remake and to move forward with. I hope you will too. And excellent exercise. Get yourself a white candle and light it. Spend time with yourself and look at yourself closely. What is it that keeps you from moving forward in your life? What is it that you need to take control of? Visualize yourself making the changes you need. See your life moving forward with positive progress and happiness. you can make this change for yourself. I know you can. You should know you can too.

I'm really excited. I spent the morning reworking a spell I worked last September. Its better than it was before and I feel completely empowered because of it. I'm excited too, because we ordered some great stuff from Isis Books and Gifts online, and it cam in the mail yesterday. I had a little suprise too, Kitten ordered me a pentacle charm with the symbol of drawing down the moon over it. I loved it. In case I've never mentioned it, Drawing Down the Moon is when a witch invokes the goddess, drawing her into herself and using it as an opportunity to speak with ehr and understand things that may have not been clear beafore. It is one of the most beautiful and powerful rituals we have in the craft. Its very empowering. I have never done it, and am planning to do it for the first time sometime this spring. I think it will be a wonderful experience.

We also got a huge load of herbs. As a general rule, there's a lot that we can obtain locally. Our health food store has a huge selection. Sometimes, though, you have to order online. When I went to the store last week and asked for Squill, they looked at me like I had sprouted horns, bless their hearts. I know its hard to come by, but it was worth a try. I also got a High John the Conqueror root int he mail. I am going to need several. I've been reading my new book on Hoodoo that Hedgewitch got me, and I think nearly everything in their calls for one, and I'm not able to find them locally. Some of the stuff we ordered was a lot bigger than I expected. The four ounce packages were huge! you don't think about how much four ounces is until you get it in the mail. I was really suprised. Also, I'm going to have to go buy a lot more jars to hold them so I can put them on my new spice rack that Kitten built me. Its huge and covers one of the walls in our kitchen. What's sad is we already need to add more shelves.

I also got soem new books, which I never say no to. One is on covencraft itself, which I think I will find immensly useful. A couple of them are on the wheel of the year and various pagan holidays, another thing I can always use more reference books on. I read part of one last night, and I don't think it will be long befor eI tap into the rest of them. They're rather calling my name as we speak.

Tonight we get to go see Memphis Ballet with mom, and its going to be a lovely time. I still haven't decided what I'm going to wear. I have a feeling I'll probably wait until right before we leave before I decide. I'm such a girl like that.

So that's the update. Life is good. Hope yours is too.

AGxx

Losing My Religion

Today, in case you weren't aware, is Saturday February 25. If you do the math, that means that Tuesday of this last week was the 21 of February, the day before Ash Wednesday. Yeah, Mardi Gras. You know, the big holiday where you go out and get wasted and show your breasts for lots of cheap plastic beads. (Incidentally, what is it men do to get beads?)

Anyway, the reason I feel like it is important to point out that Tuesday was Mardi Gras was because our city is having it sAnnual Mardi Gras pub crawl tonight. Now, in case you aren't familiar with the concept of a pub crawl, the basic idea is that a group of nightclubs in the same area all get together and decide that for one night, you can buy a bracelet (usually at a rediculously inflated price) and it will get you into all the clubs instead of you having to pay for each individual one. The idea, I suppose, is that since there's a holiday or something fun to celebrate, you might want to go to more than one bar to get drunk. This is usually paired with a lot of drink specials so that you, literally, by the end of one night "crawl" from one location to the next.

Our town has a pub crawl about every other month or so. We celebrate every thing from HAlloween, St. Patricks Day, Mardi Gras and other big holidays to things like "Dead Day" which is the last day the colleges have to study before finals begin. A great idea, if you ask me, getting wasted right before taking finals..I digress. I'm not a huge fan of pub crawls. I could go on for days about why. I won't. I'll simply get to the main point of this post...or the kickng off point for this one, anyway. The Mardi Gras pub crawl is tonight. Tonight. Four days after the beginning of Lent.

If you're Catholic, or familiar with the concept of Lent, or you've seen 40 Days and 40 Nights, you know that beginning with Ash Wednesday you go through a period of self denial until easter. This usually involves dietary restrictions such as no meat on the weekends and also "giving up" something that you would normally have (I have friends who have chosen everything from coffee to sweets to smoking) as a for of growing closer to God spiritually by denying things you would normally have on a day to day basis. While I don't personally agree with the concept, I understand it. Mardi Gras, then, (Fat Tuesday in French) is the night before all this begins, where you indulge in all your vices one last time before the Lenten season.

So why, some one explain to me, is my terribly culturally unaware city having a Mardi Gras celebration AFTER Lent has already started? They've done this three years running now, and I can't fathom it. Why can't they do it the weekend before? Anyone who goes to the pub crawl tonight is going to be violating the precepts of Lent. Isn't that sort of backwards from the whole concept of Mardi Gras? I mean, I understand that most people who go tonight aren't Catholic. We don't live in a heavily Catholic area. We're more of an Assembly of God and Baptist area. But still...it got me thinking about how much it annoys me, the perversion of religion, and religious holidays, and holidays in general for that matter, in this area of the country.

I spoke last week about how much Valentines Day irritates me. I mean, St. Valentine was a martyr. Yes, he did become the patron saint of married couples and relationships, but somehow I don't see the holiday as we celebrate it now as particularly in keeping with his Martyrdom. St. Patricks Day, another pub crawl holiday in my area, is another one where religiously, we're celebrating the patron saint of Ireland. I get that now we're really celebrating Irish culture, and yes, Lenten restrictions are lifted for this holiday as a way of celebration, but I think a bunch of American college students dressing like leprochans and drinking green beer until they pass out is rather missing the point. Do these kids even know what the wearing of the green is? Do they know where they could find the blarney stone? Do they even know anything about Irish history? I somehow doubt it...

I could go on for days about Cinco de Mayo too. Of course, working in a mexican restaurant, I work this holiday every year. Every year some new kid asks me what Cinco De Mayo means. Outside of its literal translation, the answer they are most given is that its Mexican Independence. Not true, actually. That's on September 16. Its actually the celebration of the Mexican's unlikely defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla, which is only celebrated in that reigon, and in the United States. Cinco is actually more of an american holiday, and one that is more a reflection of our southwestern and southern roots than anything, although you couldn't convince all the idiots wearing sombreros and drinking margaritas of that...

I suppose I find myself frustrated because I think that one, these holidays are pointless and two, for people who might actually find meaning in them, its a huge insult. I hate the perversion of religion in any sense, and as a person who doesn't normally celebrate "traditionally" celebreated holidays in the US I find it especially irritating. People, as a general rule, have no idea what most of my holidays are, and they aren't celebrated, Halloween being the notable exception. Halloween, of course, is a completely different thing to me than it is to 90% of the US population, and I find that insulting. I can't help but think that these other holidays have got to get on the nerves of some other people as well. Of course, holidays in general irritate me.

I'm not particularly eloquent today, but I'll do my best to explain myself.

Christians, as a general rule, have a set amount of holidays they celebrate. Now, I could go on for days about the perversion of those holidays by the church itself, but lets let that go. I can allow for freedom of choice in religion, and if they want to celebrate the birth of Jesus in December when its actually more likely he was born in summer, I can let it go. A lot of pagans wouldn't because there's a direct history there with regards to my holidays, but that's something that I'll mix into the argument a bit and we'll live and let live. What does irritate me is that Christian holidays are so commercialized.

If you're celebrating the birth of your religions main god figure, it seems like this would be somethign more reverant than what its become. I mean, yes, there are some beautiful church services, music and retellings of the story that go on. I am all for that. Storytelling, music and ritual are a huge part of my religion too, and I think you could stretch and say most religions. But then there's the gift giving and the reindeer and the tree and the fat elves that have nothing to do with the Christian holiday. Actually, the reindeer, the tree (and the decorations on it) and the elves is part of my religion, and part of my winter holiday Yule. And it does serve a purpose in my religion. But for Christians? I don't think it does?

When you decorate your tree, do you know why you put bulbs on it? I do...blbs are traditionally red and yellow and orange...the colors of the sun. They're put there, on a LIVE tree I might add, to entice the sun back during the cold months. Did you know that? Did you know pagans actually bring in a living tree and keep it alive all winter before replanting it in the spring as a way or showing reverence to the earth? Yeah, cutting a tree down is bad juju in my religion. I don't know how that got started. The candies and popcorn and berries that go on the tree? They're put there to feed the elves and fairies living inside it. True story. And the candles (which we're replaced with LED lights not) are a symbol of the warmth of the coming months, and are there to keep those fairies and elves happy and thinking of the spring. Its like a photo of home for them.

I could go on and on about mistletoe and peppermint and snowflakes. But lets face it, I'm not dogging Christians for incorporating these things into their celebrations. If it has a religious meaning for you, go for it. These things are now all a part of the Christian holiday. That's fine with me. What does irritate me is that so many people are unaware of what their religious holidays and symbols mean. If the candy cane is a sheperds staff to you, awesome. Use that symbol and celebrate. I don't care what shape it is so long as its peppermint. The cool and the heat are there to remind me that the cold months are followed by warmth. That symbol works for both os us, so lets share it.

I don't mind sharing. But being unawre of what your religion means is what really sets me on edge. I live in a really conservative part of the US. I'm trying to fix that, but in the meantime, I know that its okay for me to be tolerant of other people's religion. And honestly, I try to be educated about the religions around me, because I want to be respectful. I know how and why Purim (Jewish holiday) is celebrated. I understand, better than most Christians, the meaning behind all the big Christian holidays. I respect them. I truly do. But I think sometimes they don't.

I have to mention here, my wonderful sister in law Cat and her husband Brother, are devout Christians. I really admire them. They practice their faith with diligence and discretion. Their wedding was beautiful. And they are good, honest, kind people who are excellent examples of what I think a Christian really ought to be. I know that we hve differences. What I love isthat they areso respectful. Cat never tells me I'm going to hell because I married her sister. She might be concerns (hell, I don't know, we've never broached the subject) but I think what is important to her is that I love Kitten and that her sister and I live a moral and upright life according to our religion. And I appreciate the fact that because she didn't know a lot about our faith, she took the time to learn. She asked questions. She asked about books she could read. She didn't make assumptions. And you know, despite the fact that I know she probably doesn't agree with my faith, she's respectful to us, and she is always concientious about wishing us well on our holidays, which means a lot to me. She could have assumed we spend all our nights dancing naked around a fire and killing animals for blood sacrifice to worship the devil. Instead, she listens, she learns and she's willing to be kind to us about it which is a refreshing change.

As much as I bitch, I am pretty lucky. Mr and Mrs Boss are alwys good about making sure I have at least the night of all my holidays off, which most places wouldn't do, since technically, Wicca isn't a recognized religion in the US. (Paganism is, but that's rather an umbrella term for a lot of stuff) They respect my faith and the need for me to take time to be with my spiritual guides. Of course, it works for all of us that my holidays are not usually on the same ones as tehirs, because I can work them. But my coworkers have a lot of respect for me, and that's uncommon. I know I got lucky. And for the most part, I think its interesting to see how they have a modicum of faith in what Ido, which might explain why religions get so mixed up in this part of the country, which raises my ire sometimes.

When someone at work is sick, or hungover, or is having period cramps or whatever, they'll take whatever I give them. It might be a nasty tea or a smoothie blend designed to make them feel better. But they take it. No questions. Because they know I'm good at what I do, its part of my faith and it works. It always works, that's the trick. Mrs Boss jokes I could poison the whole staff because they'll drink anything I give them. I wouldn't, but she's right. I've had people who have asked me to do spell work for them, or cast natal charts for them. I've done tarot readings and auric readings. And my coworkers don't treat me like I'm a travelling gypsy or a freak show. They always ask about the mechanics of what I do, and how its important to my faith. Most of them have done their research. In return, I do my research for them. If I cast a spell for a coworker, I use a ritual for them that involves their incarnation of diety. Because I respect that they may not have the same belief in god as I do, so I try to make sure that this is a prayer (because that's what spellwork really us) that works for them. They have to believe it, and mean it, and praying to your own god is what works. Not praying to someone else's.

I think its that mixing of religion that somehow ends up working its way into other holidays. I mean, yes, do I know that its partly the result of maneuverings by the Catholic church that most major Christian holidays occur on our near solstices? Yep, I sure do. And politics of it aside, I don't care. Easter for them is Easter no matter when they celebrate it. So its fine by me. What makes me angry is when someone accuses me of stealing their religious holidays and perverting them for pagan purposes.

Bullshit. Oastara (yeah, sounds like easter doesn't it?) our spring holiday, or the big one anyway, is close to Easter. But, I hate to say this, the bunnies, the eggs- those are ours. Hell, all that pink and yellow and pale blue you wear? That's ours too. You see, colors have meaning in my religion, and when you dress your daughter in a frilly yellow and pink and lavender dress to go to church, she's wearing the colors of my holiday. She's a symbol of rebirth, flowers, and sunlight. Like I said, you want to use those symbols? Cool.

I once saw a trick with an easter egg that told a story, it had dogwood flowers and a nail in it. Some other stuff too. It was awesome. The egg represented (once opened) the rebirth of Jesus through the empty tomb. The dogwood flowers were for the crown of thorns on his head. The nail represented his death on a Roman cross. It was beautiful. I liked it and I think its awesome that Christians are finding ways to bring meaning to the pagan symbols that have over time become incorportated into their religion, like it or not. But I'd be angry if someone told me that those were the original meanings.

You can't convince me that there were dogwoods in the middle east in ancient times and that's what his thorn crown was made of. Ask an anthropologist, or hell, a botanist. In my religion, eggs are a symbol of fertility. Dogwoods are used for protective magic and for wish magic. I'd tell you that Iron is a symbol of protection in my religion. It drives away death. In Ireland they would drive nails into food and plans to prevent death and disease from entering a house. You can even use it for healing purposes. Speak not of all the uses of nails in Voudon and Hoodoo, which I could go on about for days. Even rust on a nail has meaning for us.

I could go on for weeks about the perversion of Halloween by Christians and the media and commerical groups, but I won't. You tell me if you want a post about that and maybe I'll save it for another day. Suffice to say, the symbols that I use for Halloween have been perverted by people, and almost no one truly understands what that holiday is really about for witches. Ask me why we use pumpkins for jack o lanerns and I'll tell you we used to use turnips and why. Ask me why we put candles in them. As me what a cauldron is for. Or a bat. Do you know? Because most people don't.

I'm running long, and maybe wandering from the point. The point is, triggered by all this post-Mardi Gras Mardi Gras madness, I get really irritated at the total and complete lack of disrespect people have for religion- both for tehir own and for other people;s. I hear over and over (especially dring this election season) that we're a country founded on religious principles. What kills me is most people don't even know what those principles are. They don't care. What they care about it what they get to do what they want, when they want, and then stumble into church with a hangover and get god to forgive them for wht they've done. Or they don't believe in god at all (totally cool, again ,your call) and they feel like that gives them the right to disrespect every religion. I don't think that's right. I think that there's a total and complete lack of respect for cultures and history that belies the fact that we, as Americans, are supposed to be open minded, educated people. We aren't.

I may respectfully disagree with some of the other religions I run into, but I respect them, that's the point. I may not undersand every religious holiday I come across, but I try. And that's really what I'm getting at. If you want to celebrate Mards Gras, and you aren't Catholic then go ahead. Torture yourself by giving up stuff for Lent. But party on Fat Tuesday, take time to think about what Ash wednesday means to you. Do your penance for your sins and talk to god when you feel weak. That's a beautiful thought. Maybe you will get closer to god. I'll be happy for you if you do.

But do me one favor, eh?

Skip the damn pub crawl tonight.

AGxx