I've had a wild week since Wednesday.
Work has been pretty intense. We've been much busier this week than we have been in the last few weeks, and it has kept me running, literally. This week we also started our new uniforms. I like them quite a bit. they look really sharp on everyone. We switched from our black pants and cotton colored polos to all black uniforms- long sleeve black button downs, black bistro aprons, and black pants. It looks good, although it is much hotter. I purchased a poplin shirt because it is a much lighter weight material than cotton. I don't know how the kids wearing cotton are making it. I've been sweating like crazy. When I woke up yesterday morning I was driving the girls to work and I smelled something terrible. It was like gym socks and dead animal...it was me! I think its time for me to upgrade my deodorant.I will say this- Spice made my day yesterday. I supervised, and now we are allowed to wear business casual dress when we sup. She told me I looked pretty several times. Vain as I am, I still feel rather unsettled about how I look (which is why I am so vain, btw) and it meant a lot to me for her to say that. Heck- Sakura and I went to breakfast and he said he didn't even recognize me when I got out of the car. (I do want to say, i wear skirts and dresses a lot. I look nice on a day to day basis. But there's something very different about me when I get into a nice formal look and wear an up-do and lots of makeup. I should have taken a picture.)
We also got a new car this week. She's an ancient blue Honda that Cat gave us because her and Brother bought a new vehicle. We named her Vanessa. She's a standard too...I know I'm going to love her already. I like to look out the window and see her sitting in front of our house. Kitten went to go pick her up on Tuesday with Mom.
I don't know if I mentioned it or not...Tuesday Addidas came and visited me in the morning. It was really nice to have the company while I chilled out on the couch and zoned from my medicines. My mouth is doing much better, although the place where my teeth were is rather starting to hurt. I'm sure it will heal up soon. I haven't been taking my meds to work with me, so I can make it through the day pain free- for the most part anyway. I've got another full day today at work, and I am hoping it goes smoothly and quickly.
Last night Sakura and I met with a new seeker for our coven, Felix. She's a really nice girl. I had a good time getting to know her. I sincerely hope she likes us and likes the group, because she seems like she fits right in. Her personal philosophy jives really well with ours, and she was very eager to learn. She even asked if we could send her home with a few starter books. I have no doubt in my mind she will have them read by this Thursday. I think she likes to read almost as much as I do, and that's something.
Kitten and Oscelot seem to like her really well. She meshed with everyone easily. I liked that. As is our normal custom with other friends, she was over pretty late, which I like despite the fact that I find myself sleepy when I wake up in the morning. (I've been making an effort not to go back to bed. If the girls can go without naps so can I!) She was really easy to talk to. If I didn't know better I would say that I knew her in a previous life. (Well, I actually don't know better, as of now, I suppose) It felt like I had known her for a long time. She was easy to chat with and I felt like I really related to her. I didn't have any trouble talking to her, and I'm pretty shy, so that's nice. I didn't feel intimidated or uneasy, and she seemed to be okay with my rather abrasive personality, so that made me really happy. I have high hopes that things will work out well.
I invited her to our next working night, because I think she'll like seeing us do our thing. I also invited her to our next Sabbat Lammas, which is coming up at the beginning of August. I'm a little stressed about that. Not her being there, just the Sabbat itself. Its coming up fast and Oscelot is supposed to be planning it with me, but she hasn't really sat down to talk to me about it. I've done some research and brainstorming, so hopefully I'll be able to get us on the ball. Its a long, hard slog and I don't want to get behind. I feel like I am already behind on that.
It seems to me like there are a thousand things I have to do, and I haven't gotten all of them done. Its going to be intense getting things caught up and trying to keep up with daily life as well. I have every faith I can do it, but I want to make sure I do it well. I did see a post on one of my friend's facebook walls the other day that I thought was completely appropriate to me. It said "Strive for Progress, not Perfection" I need to remember that. I have a bad habit of letting my perfectionism get in the way of other things. Like enjoying the moment. I asked myself for more discernment and patience. I need to work on that.
Speaking of rituals, Litha went really, really well. I was so happy about it. We got things done on time, meaning we were able to finish ritual before the sun went down. I was glad about that. There were a couple of flubs on my part, which more stemmed from overconfidence and maybe my pain killers than from lack of preparation, which i am okay with. The God and Goddess have a sense of humor, so I know they enjoyed watching me flounder for a moment. It made even me laugh. Otherwise, it was a very moving and exciting ritual. All the practice meant that I could enjoy it in a way that I normally am not able to. I was happy when I finished.
I also did a better job using the energy around me, so for the first time ever I wasn't exhausted the morning after Ritual. Sakura was very inspiring to me. He was also very patient with me. I felt a lot of power coming off of all of us. It proves to me that we are growing, and that we feel much more confident than we did. It was our first ritual where we had other members participate rather than just stay in the circle and learn and absorb energy. It made things feel much different.
Kitten has volunteered to take the Mabon ritual on with me. I'm so excited. This is the first time she has made an offer like that. It looks to me as if everyone who is a coven elder is looking to move forward with their work. We're definitely working more like a team. I like that. The group mind is becoming more solid again. I'll be interested to see what it feels like when Kitten and I work a circle together. Us being bound and sharing energy...it might make it a little different. I'll certainly report back on that. Anyway. I am interested to see how it works out. Mabon is one of my favorite holidays, so its extra special she's working on this one with me. I think all four of us are going to tackle Samhain (Halloween) together. It will be beautiful. It amazes me to see how fast the year has passed. I'm rounding the corner to my new year. It blows my mind sometimes.
Its okay though. I feel like I've made a lot of personal progress. I feel like I have made a lot of change for myself. I know I have better direction than I did before.
For those who are keeping track- I am way less angry than I used to be.
I'll let you run away for now. I have every intention of gathering my thoughts and making a post worth reading very soon.
Blessings to each of you.
AGxx
Ps- sorry about the Katy Perry lyric for the title. Its Ironic, I promise, because I feel anything but wide awake at this moment.
Showing posts with label litha. Show all posts
Showing posts with label litha. Show all posts
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Witchy Woman
Yesterday was interesting. I'm not going to lie. Work was duller than it had been and that's saying something. Fortunately, Sakura and my mom made an appearance. It kept me from dying of boredom.
Last night Sakura came over and we worked on Litha again. I was really proud because i had the first part of The Charge of the Goddess memorized. (For anyone keeping track, I've got it almost completely as of this morning.) Things went very smoothly. I'm getting excited for the ritual.
When we came inside we had dinner. Dad had brought by his fantastic home made chili, and it was delicious. I'd been craving spicy food, so I was really happy. We talked over dinner while Dad chilled out in the living room and watched this DVD Kitten got for them that goes with a kit to make a solar powered generator. Its the kind of thing both of them love to do...so it was fun. I made a couple of trips into the living room after dinner and they were running their own personal riftrack on the DVD. At one point they were both sitting in the floor wagging their feet and giggling. It made me happy to see it. I like when Kitten spends time with her family.
In the kitchen, I sat down to do some work. My mom had an injury at work about a week ago and hasn't been able to work since then. I made a poppet for her out of an old sock and today I will pick up a candle for her and give her instructions on how to use it. It should be fun. I'll say this, I am really pleased at my mom's burgeoning confidence in my abilities as a witch.
After I finished that we worked on making the straw god effigy for this ritual. It was...interesting up until the point we figured out that we didn't need to make the body out of wire first. Then things got a lot easier. Just as we were finishing up, Dad came in to chat to us. The conversation went as follows:
Last night Sakura came over and we worked on Litha again. I was really proud because i had the first part of The Charge of the Goddess memorized. (For anyone keeping track, I've got it almost completely as of this morning.) Things went very smoothly. I'm getting excited for the ritual.
When we came inside we had dinner. Dad had brought by his fantastic home made chili, and it was delicious. I'd been craving spicy food, so I was really happy. We talked over dinner while Dad chilled out in the living room and watched this DVD Kitten got for them that goes with a kit to make a solar powered generator. Its the kind of thing both of them love to do...so it was fun. I made a couple of trips into the living room after dinner and they were running their own personal riftrack on the DVD. At one point they were both sitting in the floor wagging their feet and giggling. It made me happy to see it. I like when Kitten spends time with her family.
In the kitchen, I sat down to do some work. My mom had an injury at work about a week ago and hasn't been able to work since then. I made a poppet for her out of an old sock and today I will pick up a candle for her and give her instructions on how to use it. It should be fun. I'll say this, I am really pleased at my mom's burgeoning confidence in my abilities as a witch.
After I finished that we worked on making the straw god effigy for this ritual. It was...interesting up until the point we figured out that we didn't need to make the body out of wire first. Then things got a lot easier. Just as we were finishing up, Dad came in to chat to us. The conversation went as follows:
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Time of Day I Can't Recall
This has been a week of work for me. A lot of work. Honestly, as I was sitting down at the computer this morning I was asking myself whether or not I really wanted to be here, or whether or not I would like to go back to bed and have a nap. But I know that naps really don't do me too much good. I just end up more tired than I was in the first place.
I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.
Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.
This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.
The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?
Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?
On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights. Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.
When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.
I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.
I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)
Things I need to remember:
I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.
Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.
I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.
AGxx
Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.
I will say this, I went to a friends house earlier this week and went swimming. It was a nice time. The water was a little cold, because its still pretty early in the pool season, but it was good to get back in the water and splash around a bit. We grilled burgers and had a nice dinner together. It was a good time. But swimming wears me out. Actually, a lot of things wear me out right now.
Last night was one of those nights at work where I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet. Truly. We weren't very busy and I tried to keep myself distracted by doing a lot of extra cleaning. My hands are a little cracked this morning from the scrubbing and the degreaser. That's okay. I was trying to set a good example. We did get a little rush later in the evening, which I was thankful for. At least I made a little money. But, crawling into bed last night at ten, I was thinking to myself how tired I was, and I still had trouble falling asleep. I actually ended up passing out while chanting the Charge of the Goddess over and over to myself.
This week was an esbat week for us. (A review, esbat is a holiday of either a full or new moon where you do special spellwork) This time we made holy water and did protection shield meditations. Thursday we did a coven bonding spell to help draw us closer, we also worked a spell for Bobcat, who started her chemotherapy this week. I am, and my coven is, wishing her a very speedy recovery. I know how exhausting getting cancer treatment can be. I remember how it was for my grandmother when she got hers. It does put things in perspective. I mean, I may be tired, but I know Bobcat is much more tired than me, and her body is working far harder than mine is, so I really shouldn't complain.
The weeks are coming up fast now for Litha, which is our midsummer holiday. We've got the ritual written, and the numerous run throughs we have done have helped us work out all of the kinks in the process. Its all down to memorization now. That's the tough part. I remember doing theater when I was younger, and I don't remember it being this difficult. I remember when I was in choir, and when I worked with our regional opera, that I had almost perfect recall- listen to a song and the words once and I was solid, I never had to look at the sheet music again. Where did those days go?
Instead, I found myself sitting in the back of my restaurant, ritual in hand, saying aloud over and over the things I need to memorize. I've still got a long way to go. I have the invocation done, but its short. I need to reread my quarter calls and my circle casting, because they are different from the last time. I learned from experience this week I shouldn't wing it. When we had esbat the other night, and I was calling the quarters, I think all of them got a different call. It was a little loose. I need to work on that. Anyway, I'm working right now on memorizing The Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the Star Goddess. They're from a piece of work called "Aradia, the Gospel of the Witches" by Charles Leland, and are part of classical text for ritual. I need to do it. I've been needing to do it. You use the charge every ritual and you cant draw down the moon unless you have the thing memorized. So, you know, I'm working on it. I'm about halfway through. I think I can have it complete by this evening if I work really hard. Then all I'll have left is the spellwork, the spellwork incantations, the devocations and the blessings. Its only thirteen pages or so. Easy right?
On top of all the fun of ritual, we're moving into doing aura and chakra work this week, and probably will be for the next few weeks. (brief lesson- aura is the energy field that surrounds your body, chakras are the main energy centers inside your body, occurring at 7 major places down the center of the body mass) This is a lot of fun, but its also very challenging for me. I've never seen auras very clearly, and that keeps me frustrated. I sense them, I know where they are, I can feel them, I can even tell you what color they are...but I very rarely see them. That means I've got a lot of improvement coming for me, and I know this will be a series that challenges the rest of our coven as well. On top of that, the Chakra work is going to be hellacious. Part of it is that I have a hard time keeping mine clean anyway, and opening some of them requires quite a bit of work on my part. I know for a fact that most of the people in our group struggle with this sort of work (the notable exception being Sakura, who should probably be teaching this week rather than me) so I sense that there will be a lot of tension over the next few working nights. Part of the exercises over the next couple of weeks will also include clearing up auras and healing damaged ones, and I can tell you beyond doubt that everyone in our group has some damage to the aura. So this may be an emotional time as well.
When I'm not wearing my brain down I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life in order. Work keeps me busy. We need to finish the new fire pit before Litha in two weeks. I need to find homes for my kittens. There's the endless parade of bills to be paid and obligations to be met. I'm still dealing with my little emotional/interpersonal problem that I mentioned a few posts ago...and on top of that, I've noticed that my anger has been rearing its ugly head again lately. I felt it last night, and I had a difficult time not thinking and speaking discordant thoughts. I tried my best to neutralize them, but its easier said than done when its a habit of many years. I know all of this indicates I am less balanced than I should be, so I need to center myself and work harder towards being in balance with the things around me. Its easy to lose sight of your goals, and when you skip meditation for a couple of days, its even easier to lose your focus. Honestly, I'd gotten in the habit of doing no-space meditation, and I worry now that maybe I was zoning out a bit too much, and I should bring my goals and affirmations back into focus.
I know that I am letting myself be overwhelmed, and I think that even this gives me a chance to gain perspective. I need to share more what's on my mind, and let other people help me when they have the opportunity. I can do better than this, in fact, I was doing better than this. I think I am on the brink of a downturn of the wheel, so I am preparing myself for more personal stress, and trying to think of what I can do to neutralize the things I know can harm me. Kitten surprised me this morning by telling me she is worried about me. I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I suppose its nice that there's someone looking out for me. I need to give myself a break every now and again.
I almost had a freak out in the gas station this morning, almost lost my temper, because I was mentioning to Oscelot that we were having the dress rehearsal for ritual this week. Turns out she had made plans on that day and she was telling me how she had thought it was another day and how she and her friends had specifically rearranged their schedules to accommodate me, or so they thought. I was upset. Then I realized that I could tell Oscelot to go and have a good time and do my own thing. And honestly, as I explained to Oscelot, if someone is making plans with me, they need to look at my planner, because I have a lot going on, and the only way I can keep track of everything is by using one. Of course, when I did tell her this she was annoyed and said, no they only wanted to hang out if I was there. Somehow, I think she was being a little dramatic, as is her wont, but maybe not. I told her I would email her friends and explain the situation and arrange a time for all of us to get together as soon as we had a day that meshed up, although it would probably be post Litha. She told me not to bother. But I realized as Kitten told me she was worried for me, that I feel like I have to please everyone all of the time and a lot of the time that means I won't please myself. I forget that I get a say in everything too. I have the chance to put my life in the order I want. And maybe, just maybe, I should be a little spontaneous, because people like lawyers and doctors need planners for everyday life. Waitresses probably shouldn't. (Although I bet most preachers do...)
Things I need to remember:
I can't win all the time.
Hard work is okay, but wearing myself out is not.
I am not a miracle worker
I cannot and should not be responsible for the actions of other people, including (unfortunately) members of my coven.
It is okay to take a break.
There is nothing wrong with having an off day
My health should be inmportant to me
My first obligation is to myself and my family.
Taking time for little things- like walking through my garden or playing with my cats- is healthy.
I can read a book that has no value except for entertainment
I have to trust that things will be okay
I need to make decisions for my highest good- nothing else is good enough for me
Not being successful on the first try does not make me a failure
I am much smarter than I give myself credit for
I have people in my life who support me, I should use that support system
The only expectations I have to live up to are my own
If I do my best, that's all I can do- it has to be enough.
I may know psychics, but I do not know mind readers, I need to communicate with my family.
Its a long list, but probably shorter than it would have been a year ago, and that's progress. I will say this, I am rewarding myself this Wednesday- Sakura and I have a dress rehearsal for ritual. We're going to be working with our new fire pit. As such, I invited two non-wiccan non coven friends over. We are all of us going to toast marshmallows and make smores just for fun. I might even make cider. Whatever we do...I am taking time to remember that there is more to life than just my responsibilities.
I'm off to take some time to myself doing nothing important at all.
AGxx
Also, I should mention, whenever I'm referring to my family, I assume you know most of the time I am referring to Kitten, Oscelot and Sakura. If I mean my blood relations, I'll clarify that.
Friday, June 1, 2012
It Feels Like Home
The last few days have been really good to me. I've had a really productive week and I feel like things are really lining up for me. I've been making a lot of personal progress, and things have been going well with the more nuts and bolts part of my life too. Its really nice.
This week we had a meeting at Casa Bueno. That may not sound very interesting, but in the five years I have worked there, I have never once seen a staff meeting. Not once, until now. This week our regional manager from corporate called a meeting and we got together to talk about changes the company is making. I'm pretty excited about it. The meeting itself wasn't full of too much news, not anything we hadn't heard already anyway. It was more of a chance for our RM to talk to us about company philosophy and the new direction we're moving. The interesting stuff is the actual changes that are going to be made.
Our stores are all going to be remodeled, over a period of time of course. The big note there is that we'll have to earn one, and frankly, I think we can do it. If the talk we had was any indicator, we're on track already. My staff know how to relate to guests. They know how to act like professionals. They are full of enthusiasm and energy when they work. I like that about our team. You only had to look at them at the meeting to see it. Outside of the people who had just finished a shift and were in uniform, everyone took the time to clean up and look nice, even though no one was going to see us. We care about what we do. Everyone sat close to each other, and though there is a little grouping off, the groups still talked to each other. Everyone had a good time together before we got to the brass tax part of the meeting. We're getting new uniforms, which I can't wait for. They'll look a lot more professional, much cleaner and much more in line with what we want for our company. We're designing new lines of food and new plating for old favorites. We're updating our style, and I think we're all excited about it.
I spoke to Mr. Boss yesterday about whether or not he would let me do some off the clock liquor classes. Its one of the few things I think we really need to work on. When you work in a Mexican restaurant, its pretty important to have a working knowledge of both tequila and import beers- if you want to sell them. I want us to, and an increase in liquor sales won't hurt anyone. My idea was I would come in and offer once a week to take volunteers to study tequila that we carry and learn how to sell it. The overagers would have a tasting class so they would be familiar with the flavors of the alcohol. I think it would work to all of our advantage. If I picked up a pizza and we relaxed, I think it would go over well. Almost every Italian restaurant I know of has something like this and I think we would benefit from advanced knowledge. If you, as a guest, don't know that an Anejo is better than a Reposado, and I don't tell you then I don't get that upsell and you don't get as nice a drink. We'll see. If he agrees and it works, I think some of our other trainers could offer classes on hospitality and menu knowledge, and we could really improve our personal product. That's where we can get better. Because really, our food is excellent, and having eaten there for five years (15000 meals, I've done the math) I would know.
In other non-work but still work related news, Sakura and I are making huge progress on our Litha ritual, which is the next holiday we have coming. We're already blocking it out, and its nice to see how things are shaping up. Usually I do ritual alone, and I won't have time to practice and this makes things much simpler. He and I (to the amusement of my neighbors, no doubt) have spent enough time wandering around in my back yard to start tanning. More important than our crispy skin, though, we've found where the kinks are in the ritual, and we're ironing them out. Spell supplies are almost completely purchased, and we've moved on to writing a detailed outline that rather looks like a play. It tells us exactly where to step, where to move and when to do it. I like it, because reading through it as we write it out helps me learn all the words. Because the memorization part is coming, and that's going to be the hardest part.
Most rituals run between and hour and an hour and a half. That is a lot of prose to keep in your head, even if you did write most of it. It is nice to have Sakura on board because that means I have half the memorizing to do, and I like that. My memory isn't what it used to be. On top of that, having him there means if I hit a wall, he can have my back because he knows exactly where we are headed. There are other challenges of course. We bought a fire pit this week. Prior to this we just used one that was dug out in the back yard. Unfortunately, or blessedly depending on how you look at it, Hydra -the giant five trunked walnut in our backyard, has gown so that she hangs over the fire pit. Good for her, until we light a fire. So, the fire pit must be moved. We've relocated farther back into the yard, but digging out another spot seemed like a pain in the butt. So when Kitten and I were last at Local Home Improvement Center, we looked at the fire pits. We found one that looks like a gigantic cauldron and fell in love. As soon as it stops raining (no, I am not complaining, we needed it badly) we're going to head out to the back and make a beautiful place for our new fire pit to rest.
Of course, the fire pit itself is only one of the challenges. We've got to figure out how to build a flammable figure that looks like a person (its not what you think, I promise) so we can chuck it in the fire. This little effigy also has to have a stomach that opens so we can put things in it. I'm thinking on it, and I haven't come up with a good solution yet. Given time, though, I'm sure we will. I just need to have it figured out by June 13, which is when we are doing our full practice run. (We are using a lot of fire, practice prevents accidents)
With all the work on Litha we have of course been thinking about personal transformation. This leads us to thoughts of our goals and what we want for the future. I think things are shaping up nicely. Sakura has decided (well, decided a while ago) that he wants to move up to Portland with us when we go. We've got another two or three years depending on how things shape out. We had discussed with him that of course if he came at the same time we did, which we expected, that he could stay in our home with us until he found a place of his own. Then the thought struck us all, why not get a house big enough for all four of us, and just do what we pretty well do now- spend every day together?
We liked it. Everyone agreed. Which meant a few days of sitting and planning out what sort of house we would like, how much space we would need, and how much money we would want when we finally took off for the rose city. The decision we reached was we wanted one with two master suites or with an in-laws quarters. We appreciate Sakura's need to have his own space and be able to be away from the ladies every now and again. We agreed a family room or a great room would be necessary, because he has a ton of books too, and a library is a must for all of us, and we'd like it not to be in our dining room area this time. We all agree we want a separate space set aside from the rest of the house to practice our Craft in, somewhere sacred and used only for that purpose. We want a big kitchen, a place to entertain guests. We also want a guest room, so our families and friends can come to visit us. For Sakura and I, there was also the yard. We need one. We need a big back yard, with a privacy fence and plenty of green. I want a deck or a covered porch to fill with ivy and climbing roses and put a hot tub on. The hot tub, for me, is not negotiable. I want one. It will be good for everyone's health. Plus its great after a long day at work.
It seems like a lot to want, but believe it or not, we found plenty of houses in Portland proper, not the suburbs, that fit this description, and most of them fell in the $170,000 to $250,000 range. That sounds like a lot of money, but we've all taken the time to do a budget as a family, and in three years we'll have approximately $100,000 to pay as a down payment on a house. Even at a 6% interest rate, lord save us, that would put us at a mortgage of about $400 a month, if we did a 20-30 year mortgage. That's less than what we pay now. Its completely feasible.
As if the Spirit has been hinting this at us all along, Sakura's lease on his apartment is up this month. Last week, the renters that we didn't care for in the house next to us moved out. The house will be for rent in a few day's time, and its well within Sakura's price range, especially now that he has a new job. There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. For us, this was a signal that we've got the right idea, and next door is the next best thing to in our house, which we would happily welcome him into now, were it not so effing small. 900 square feet is barely enough for three plus the cats. There's no way any of us would be happy if we added more.
Either way, we spent most of last night looking at homes. We took time to break, study the lesson for this week, and do our meditations. But, for the most part, we talked about our new home. We talked about budgeting, about what kinds of jobs we wanted and expected. We talked about school and financial investments. We talked about living in a child free household. We also daydreamed about box seats at the opera, symphony and ballet. (Yeah, we're snobs) It was a great evening for us, as a family. I feel more at home, happier and more on track. Kitten and I were talking about it Wednesday, that its nice to have people who help keep you on track, who give you perspective, and who push you towards your goals- not roughly, but with gentle love and encouragement. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the big picture. But life is always a matter of how you frame it.
I've got a really beautiful life. I've got a lot of loving people who make life good for me. I'm lucky because when I do move, one of the best women I've ever met and her delightful husband are already waiting for us. The people I love will be coming with me. There's a few I'll be reluctant to leave behind, but that's not saying that over the next three years I can't talk them into coming with us too. As for my future home, I hope that I'll be able to fill it with as much love and laughter as the one I live in now. Those thing have a tendency to multiply, I know, so I don't think it will be too much a challenge.
Lucky, Lucky me. I'll leave the light on and the key out when I get there. You know you're welcome.
AGxx
This week we had a meeting at Casa Bueno. That may not sound very interesting, but in the five years I have worked there, I have never once seen a staff meeting. Not once, until now. This week our regional manager from corporate called a meeting and we got together to talk about changes the company is making. I'm pretty excited about it. The meeting itself wasn't full of too much news, not anything we hadn't heard already anyway. It was more of a chance for our RM to talk to us about company philosophy and the new direction we're moving. The interesting stuff is the actual changes that are going to be made.
Our stores are all going to be remodeled, over a period of time of course. The big note there is that we'll have to earn one, and frankly, I think we can do it. If the talk we had was any indicator, we're on track already. My staff know how to relate to guests. They know how to act like professionals. They are full of enthusiasm and energy when they work. I like that about our team. You only had to look at them at the meeting to see it. Outside of the people who had just finished a shift and were in uniform, everyone took the time to clean up and look nice, even though no one was going to see us. We care about what we do. Everyone sat close to each other, and though there is a little grouping off, the groups still talked to each other. Everyone had a good time together before we got to the brass tax part of the meeting. We're getting new uniforms, which I can't wait for. They'll look a lot more professional, much cleaner and much more in line with what we want for our company. We're designing new lines of food and new plating for old favorites. We're updating our style, and I think we're all excited about it.
I spoke to Mr. Boss yesterday about whether or not he would let me do some off the clock liquor classes. Its one of the few things I think we really need to work on. When you work in a Mexican restaurant, its pretty important to have a working knowledge of both tequila and import beers- if you want to sell them. I want us to, and an increase in liquor sales won't hurt anyone. My idea was I would come in and offer once a week to take volunteers to study tequila that we carry and learn how to sell it. The overagers would have a tasting class so they would be familiar with the flavors of the alcohol. I think it would work to all of our advantage. If I picked up a pizza and we relaxed, I think it would go over well. Almost every Italian restaurant I know of has something like this and I think we would benefit from advanced knowledge. If you, as a guest, don't know that an Anejo is better than a Reposado, and I don't tell you then I don't get that upsell and you don't get as nice a drink. We'll see. If he agrees and it works, I think some of our other trainers could offer classes on hospitality and menu knowledge, and we could really improve our personal product. That's where we can get better. Because really, our food is excellent, and having eaten there for five years (15000 meals, I've done the math) I would know.
In other non-work but still work related news, Sakura and I are making huge progress on our Litha ritual, which is the next holiday we have coming. We're already blocking it out, and its nice to see how things are shaping up. Usually I do ritual alone, and I won't have time to practice and this makes things much simpler. He and I (to the amusement of my neighbors, no doubt) have spent enough time wandering around in my back yard to start tanning. More important than our crispy skin, though, we've found where the kinks are in the ritual, and we're ironing them out. Spell supplies are almost completely purchased, and we've moved on to writing a detailed outline that rather looks like a play. It tells us exactly where to step, where to move and when to do it. I like it, because reading through it as we write it out helps me learn all the words. Because the memorization part is coming, and that's going to be the hardest part.
Most rituals run between and hour and an hour and a half. That is a lot of prose to keep in your head, even if you did write most of it. It is nice to have Sakura on board because that means I have half the memorizing to do, and I like that. My memory isn't what it used to be. On top of that, having him there means if I hit a wall, he can have my back because he knows exactly where we are headed. There are other challenges of course. We bought a fire pit this week. Prior to this we just used one that was dug out in the back yard. Unfortunately, or blessedly depending on how you look at it, Hydra -the giant five trunked walnut in our backyard, has gown so that she hangs over the fire pit. Good for her, until we light a fire. So, the fire pit must be moved. We've relocated farther back into the yard, but digging out another spot seemed like a pain in the butt. So when Kitten and I were last at Local Home Improvement Center, we looked at the fire pits. We found one that looks like a gigantic cauldron and fell in love. As soon as it stops raining (no, I am not complaining, we needed it badly) we're going to head out to the back and make a beautiful place for our new fire pit to rest.
Of course, the fire pit itself is only one of the challenges. We've got to figure out how to build a flammable figure that looks like a person (its not what you think, I promise) so we can chuck it in the fire. This little effigy also has to have a stomach that opens so we can put things in it. I'm thinking on it, and I haven't come up with a good solution yet. Given time, though, I'm sure we will. I just need to have it figured out by June 13, which is when we are doing our full practice run. (We are using a lot of fire, practice prevents accidents)
With all the work on Litha we have of course been thinking about personal transformation. This leads us to thoughts of our goals and what we want for the future. I think things are shaping up nicely. Sakura has decided (well, decided a while ago) that he wants to move up to Portland with us when we go. We've got another two or three years depending on how things shape out. We had discussed with him that of course if he came at the same time we did, which we expected, that he could stay in our home with us until he found a place of his own. Then the thought struck us all, why not get a house big enough for all four of us, and just do what we pretty well do now- spend every day together?
We liked it. Everyone agreed. Which meant a few days of sitting and planning out what sort of house we would like, how much space we would need, and how much money we would want when we finally took off for the rose city. The decision we reached was we wanted one with two master suites or with an in-laws quarters. We appreciate Sakura's need to have his own space and be able to be away from the ladies every now and again. We agreed a family room or a great room would be necessary, because he has a ton of books too, and a library is a must for all of us, and we'd like it not to be in our dining room area this time. We all agree we want a separate space set aside from the rest of the house to practice our Craft in, somewhere sacred and used only for that purpose. We want a big kitchen, a place to entertain guests. We also want a guest room, so our families and friends can come to visit us. For Sakura and I, there was also the yard. We need one. We need a big back yard, with a privacy fence and plenty of green. I want a deck or a covered porch to fill with ivy and climbing roses and put a hot tub on. The hot tub, for me, is not negotiable. I want one. It will be good for everyone's health. Plus its great after a long day at work.
It seems like a lot to want, but believe it or not, we found plenty of houses in Portland proper, not the suburbs, that fit this description, and most of them fell in the $170,000 to $250,000 range. That sounds like a lot of money, but we've all taken the time to do a budget as a family, and in three years we'll have approximately $100,000 to pay as a down payment on a house. Even at a 6% interest rate, lord save us, that would put us at a mortgage of about $400 a month, if we did a 20-30 year mortgage. That's less than what we pay now. Its completely feasible.
As if the Spirit has been hinting this at us all along, Sakura's lease on his apartment is up this month. Last week, the renters that we didn't care for in the house next to us moved out. The house will be for rent in a few day's time, and its well within Sakura's price range, especially now that he has a new job. There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. For us, this was a signal that we've got the right idea, and next door is the next best thing to in our house, which we would happily welcome him into now, were it not so effing small. 900 square feet is barely enough for three plus the cats. There's no way any of us would be happy if we added more.
Either way, we spent most of last night looking at homes. We took time to break, study the lesson for this week, and do our meditations. But, for the most part, we talked about our new home. We talked about budgeting, about what kinds of jobs we wanted and expected. We talked about school and financial investments. We talked about living in a child free household. We also daydreamed about box seats at the opera, symphony and ballet. (Yeah, we're snobs) It was a great evening for us, as a family. I feel more at home, happier and more on track. Kitten and I were talking about it Wednesday, that its nice to have people who help keep you on track, who give you perspective, and who push you towards your goals- not roughly, but with gentle love and encouragement. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the big picture. But life is always a matter of how you frame it.
I've got a really beautiful life. I've got a lot of loving people who make life good for me. I'm lucky because when I do move, one of the best women I've ever met and her delightful husband are already waiting for us. The people I love will be coming with me. There's a few I'll be reluctant to leave behind, but that's not saying that over the next three years I can't talk them into coming with us too. As for my future home, I hope that I'll be able to fill it with as much love and laughter as the one I live in now. Those thing have a tendency to multiply, I know, so I don't think it will be too much a challenge.
Lucky, Lucky me. I'll leave the light on and the key out when I get there. You know you're welcome.
AGxx
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Can You Look Me In The Eye?
Hello friends! i'm back, and feeling much better. I don't even dare read my post from last night. I was so out of it, I'm not sure it made the slightest bit of sense. But now that I'm feeling better I've got a whole list (literally) of things I feel like talking about today. I'm actually heading them, so if something possibly bores you, well, you can skip it. :)
Litha and Accountability
I figured I start out with a Litha recap. I know I wrote a little about it last night. During my few lucid hours yesterday the girls and I went out hunting for allt he things we needed for our coven's ceremony last night. It was a lot of fun. When we got home they dug a firepit in our backyard for the bonfire. It was awesome. They got a little blaze going while Sakura and I set up our makeshift altar table.
When we preformed the ceremony it was awesome. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but given that I was tired and more than a little druggy, I'm not disappointed. Sakura said he actually felt the circle raise when I did it, which is cool. I didn't but then, I'm pretty sure that's because it took most of my energy to do it. I did the ritual, which was wonderful. Today I am feeling really blessed that they let me take a chance on doing it, even though I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. We've all agreed that since we don't have a working high priest or preistess yet, because we are a young coven, that we would take turns doing the rituals. Me getting to do the first one for our coven was absolutely an honor.
I'm already planning how I am going to do my next one, how to make it better. We have another holiday coming up in August, but I'm rather hoping I'll get to take a shot at Samhaim (that's Halloween to most of you). I was actually thinking of asking Sakura to do it in conjunction with me. I think between the two of us, we could raise some seriously awesome power. In the meantime, we have a chance to take the time to practice together and learn our strengths and weaknesses.
I feel really blessed to have such an in touch, wonderful coven.
I might also add, with a slight amount of blushing, yes, since we had a bonfire going and it was a midsummer celebration- I did dance around the fire. Sakura had kindly brouh some appropriate music for us, and I was feeling inspired (again- the meds? The ceremony? Both? I'm unsure) I slipped off my shoes and danced as the sun set around our little bonfire. It was freeing, and beautiful and I was laughing and happy. Even more fun, my beautiful Kitten joined me, and we danced and danced, and stopped just over the spot where we were handfasted, and kissed. Midsummer was truly a dream for us. It was wonderful. For teh record, no, I did not do it naked. I've got neighbors.
I'm also glad Sakura's back. He was in Mexico for a little over a week and I definately felt the lack of his presence. I love him, because for me, he's like a concience. I think Christians use the term "accountability partner" When I feel like I'm about to do something collossaly stupid, he's the one I turn to for advice. He's got a good head on his shoulders and I appreciate his insights. It gives me a chance to think on my actions before I make them. I was talking to Perpet yesterday about that. Technically, since she's my best friend, she should be the one I always turn to when I need advice. But for some things its better to have a second opinion. Perpet and I are on the same wavelength. Soemtimes that means we can get into extra trouble. I might call her up and say "I'm tinking of doing this stupid, passive aggressive thing" and she'll say "Oh, do that- and then do this. That's even better." I usually agree. And while I love having someone who can help me justify why I do things, its even better to have someone there who won't let me.
Angry Chick Songs
I woke up this morning with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" in my head. I'll admit, I don't normally wake up with crbby songs in myhead. Its usually something more mellow, or on a good day, bouncy. However, given that the come-down from the medicine I was on yesterday usually involves me being terribly depressed, I'll take angry songs over mopey ones any day of the week. So I posted the song on my facebook, because that's what I usually do when I've got a song stuck in my head first thing. Turns out one song led to another, and I've been playing angry chick songs in my head all day today. It worked out though, because we got our butts kicked at work and it kept me in the right frame of mind. Sometimes its better for me to let the rage flow on the inside so I can keep calm on the outside.
A sample of my internal playlist today:
Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch
You Oughta Know, Alanis Morisette
Mother Mother, Tracy Bonham
Gravel, Ani Difranco
I'm thinking before the end of the day Garbage and Hole will make my list too. That's alright. I like it. It'll give me soemthing to write to.
Speaking of writing, I think I am finally in the right frame of mind to tackle some of those pesky scenes I haven't been willing to try, so later, I'll be jumping into the new novel and seeing if this personal feeling of ( medicine induced) angst will play out on the page. Take it where you can get it, right?
Television and Intelligence
When I was at work this morning I had an interesting conversation with one of my bosses and one of my coworkers. They were talking about some television show (maybe you know it?) where people have eating addicitons to weird things. I remembered vaguely someone talking about it, so I chimed in "like eating the stuffing in your couch, wasn't that one?"
My boss asked me if I had seen that episode. I responded no, I didn't have television at my house. She laughed and said "Oh, I forgot."
My coworker was looking at me aghast. She wanted to know how I relaxed if I didn't have a television. I pointed out I have one, I just watch DVD's on it. I don't watch TV. Honestly, I don't feel like I am missing anything. There are some television series that we will buy on DVD when we hear that they're worth watching, but otherwise, when I want to relax I read.
"Yeah, readings nice...but how do you relax?"
"I read a book."
"But- I mean, when you aren't reading. I mean, when I get home I have to watch Real Housewives on Bravo, or I can't cope."
"I read. And when I'm not reading, I write. Or I go outside."
"But you don't watch TV?"
"No."
Now, kids, maybe I'm being judgemental, but I think this says a lot about this person's personality. Especially since she is going to be an elementary school teacher. I mean, don't you sort of need to like reading if you want to teach? Shouldn't you be encouraging your students to get outdoors or pick up a good book?
A couple weeks ago I was talking to her about my idea for a masters paper, and how I wanted to compare the rythm, syntax and word choice of modern genre writing to older styles of genre writing. I began to explain and she told me that it was way over her head. At the time I couldn't grasp the idea of her not getting it, because she's in a master's program. Shallow as it might sound, now I do. If she's relaxing by watching a bunch of rich tramps pick fights and go shopping, no, she probably wouldn't understand the concept of sound and flow in modern versus classic genre literature.
It made me think- do I judge people by what television shows they tell me they watch? I mean, I know I judge people by what kind of books they read (or if they read at all) but I figured that's a natural part of my future profession. I analyze what kind of audience they might be for me. But seriously, if someone spends time reading at all I give them a little credit for having intelligence, because they are exercising their minds regardless of what they are reading. Television shows are a completely different animal.
For example, I mentioned to her we own all the seaons of Xena, Warrior Princess, but that its a pretty standard tv favorite for lesbians my age. I don't know many who don't like that show. And its not the quality of the work either, because lets be honest, the plots and dialog especially in the first couple of seasons are terrible. But if I know someone watches, say America's next Top Model, or Jersey Shore, or the evening news, or whatever...that to me that says somethign about their personality. When I read my friend's facebook profiles, I actually look at the television shows that they watch.
I can use my Bestie as an example here again. Perpet likes British car shows (Top Metal? Is that what its called?) and she likes classic Simpsons and up and coming stuff. I learned to love joss Wheadon through her. I think if you look at her list of watched television shows, it points towards her being a relatively thoughtful, intelligent woman.
Whatever the reason, I've realized that I do it. I jusge people. Heaven save me if anyone judged me by the few television shows I watch....
Roller Derby Weekend
I'm really excited. I have this Saturday night off. On top of that being nice, because its the weekend and normally new managers get all the awesome weekend night shifts, I am doubly happy because this Saturday is a home bout for our local roller girls. Even more exciting, its a double header, so I get to watch both the "a" team and the "b" team play. I've got friends on both teams, and I'm excited I get to spend a whole evening watching them do what they're good at.
This bout is more special than usual because our team recently became WFTDA certified, which means that they are part of the league now, and they can compete for national titles and such. Our girls are so talented, there's no doubt in my mind I'll get to plan a trip to nationals some time in the near future.
I've even got a cute little outfit I'm going to wear the the bout. The "b" team, as it were, have black and pink for their colors. Awesome, because they are my favorite colors. I've got an adorable little black ruffly skirt and a pink top I'm going to wear. Naughty pigtails are in order, and I will most defiately be getting ahold of some facepain and doing some fun painting on my face, maybe even my arms. I can't wait.
I've also recently developed a fascinating for blogs by derby girls. I'm sure you've noticed their ranks increasing in my blogroll. I can't help it. There's something fascinating about the way they think, on and off the track. I love the way they express themselves. I love how they claim their independence. Even when unsure, these women are sure. They know. They live. They take every moment and wrestle it into submission. Honestly, these girls inspire me.
Karma and Optimism
So now for a slightly more pessimistic turn of the blog, for a moment. As a general rule, I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I try to be as positive about things as I possibly can. True, I am prone to worry, and I do have a tendency to get upset about things, but I also try and look for the upside of every situation.
I've mentioned before that i look for the best in every person. I'm incredibly trusting, even when I shouldn't be. I do my very best to hope for the best. This hasn't always been the case. I used to say that if you expected nothing, you were always plesantly suprised when there was more than nothing. Now, I expect the best from everyone. I try to glean the best from every situation. This has backfired on me several times.
I'll say this. I'm learning a lesson. Karma is not a patient tutor. About four years ago I made an incredibly stupid personal decision. It was a bad idea, but at the time I thought I could make the best of it. I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough, things would come out okay. I was wrong. I mean, really wrong. That decision cost me a lot of pain. I was most definatly punished for it.
Recently, I was confronted with a similar decision. Now, if I had been smart I would have said to myself "Alecya, you've been through something like this before. Remember how bad an idea it was?" But I didn't. See, I keep thinking that because my life has changed so much in the last four years, the world has too. Turns out, no it hasn't. I made the same incredibly stupid decision that I made the last time.
Guess what? Karma is kicking my ass. Again. You know what? This time I deserve it. Its worse, because I see it coming. I see what's going to happen and I can feel it moment by moment. I know how things are going to turn out. I know how I will end up feeling. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I went ahead and made the decision I knew I shouldn't have made. Apparently, some lessons have to be learned twice before they really sink in. I'd say I hope I never have to make that decision again, but since life comes in threes, I'm betting I will. When that time comes, I hope I'll come back to this blog, to this experience, and the one before it, and think things through before I make another stupid call. Here's the rub- I probably won't.
Things I've Been Meaning to Say
Right- this will probably not mean anything to any of you reading, because it isn't meant for you. But sometimes you have to hold back what you really want to say for reasons of prudence or sanity. That doesn't mean you don't still want to say them. So I'm taking a moment to say some of the things I've been wanting to say for a week, or more, so i can get them off my chest.
You're not that important. Get over yourself.
I don't know why you think you need to do that.
Listening to bad advice is worse than making a mistake and learning from it. Just sayin'
I told you! I told you so! I called it months ago!
You're wrong about this.
I'm not sorry. Not for a second. Even if it pisses you off. I'm so not sorry.
Yep, you were right. If we had been betting on this, you would have fleeced me.
You really, really don't get it, do you?
I know what you're doing. Its not going to work. Good luck anyway.
You lied to me. I let you do it. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger fool for it.
I don't want to do this.
It was worth it. Every second.
This better be worth it.
You're an idiot.
I'm a grown adult. Don't talk to me like that.
I'll forgive you when you figure it out.
I'm better than you.
Well, now that I've got that off my chest I feel a lot less petty. See? Now I don't have to think about it whenever I see the people I want to say these things to, because I've already said them in a safe place. And you'll never tell on me, will you? Because you have no idea what I'm talking about. But seriously, don't you ever feel like you need to just get it off yoru chest?
If you haven't you should totally try it. Just blog for a minute about all the things you want to say that you never get the chance to say because we are all mature adults and we can't because we function in a nice, rational society.
I love you, readers. You make me happy, just by being here (or lurking here, which is what most of you do...I check my stats, I know you're around).
Have a great day, what's left of it.
AGxx
Litha and Accountability
I figured I start out with a Litha recap. I know I wrote a little about it last night. During my few lucid hours yesterday the girls and I went out hunting for allt he things we needed for our coven's ceremony last night. It was a lot of fun. When we got home they dug a firepit in our backyard for the bonfire. It was awesome. They got a little blaze going while Sakura and I set up our makeshift altar table.
When we preformed the ceremony it was awesome. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but given that I was tired and more than a little druggy, I'm not disappointed. Sakura said he actually felt the circle raise when I did it, which is cool. I didn't but then, I'm pretty sure that's because it took most of my energy to do it. I did the ritual, which was wonderful. Today I am feeling really blessed that they let me take a chance on doing it, even though I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. We've all agreed that since we don't have a working high priest or preistess yet, because we are a young coven, that we would take turns doing the rituals. Me getting to do the first one for our coven was absolutely an honor.
I'm already planning how I am going to do my next one, how to make it better. We have another holiday coming up in August, but I'm rather hoping I'll get to take a shot at Samhaim (that's Halloween to most of you). I was actually thinking of asking Sakura to do it in conjunction with me. I think between the two of us, we could raise some seriously awesome power. In the meantime, we have a chance to take the time to practice together and learn our strengths and weaknesses.
I feel really blessed to have such an in touch, wonderful coven.
I might also add, with a slight amount of blushing, yes, since we had a bonfire going and it was a midsummer celebration- I did dance around the fire. Sakura had kindly brouh some appropriate music for us, and I was feeling inspired (again- the meds? The ceremony? Both? I'm unsure) I slipped off my shoes and danced as the sun set around our little bonfire. It was freeing, and beautiful and I was laughing and happy. Even more fun, my beautiful Kitten joined me, and we danced and danced, and stopped just over the spot where we were handfasted, and kissed. Midsummer was truly a dream for us. It was wonderful. For teh record, no, I did not do it naked. I've got neighbors.
I'm also glad Sakura's back. He was in Mexico for a little over a week and I definately felt the lack of his presence. I love him, because for me, he's like a concience. I think Christians use the term "accountability partner" When I feel like I'm about to do something collossaly stupid, he's the one I turn to for advice. He's got a good head on his shoulders and I appreciate his insights. It gives me a chance to think on my actions before I make them. I was talking to Perpet yesterday about that. Technically, since she's my best friend, she should be the one I always turn to when I need advice. But for some things its better to have a second opinion. Perpet and I are on the same wavelength. Soemtimes that means we can get into extra trouble. I might call her up and say "I'm tinking of doing this stupid, passive aggressive thing" and she'll say "Oh, do that- and then do this. That's even better." I usually agree. And while I love having someone who can help me justify why I do things, its even better to have someone there who won't let me.
Angry Chick Songs
I woke up this morning with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" in my head. I'll admit, I don't normally wake up with crbby songs in myhead. Its usually something more mellow, or on a good day, bouncy. However, given that the come-down from the medicine I was on yesterday usually involves me being terribly depressed, I'll take angry songs over mopey ones any day of the week. So I posted the song on my facebook, because that's what I usually do when I've got a song stuck in my head first thing. Turns out one song led to another, and I've been playing angry chick songs in my head all day today. It worked out though, because we got our butts kicked at work and it kept me in the right frame of mind. Sometimes its better for me to let the rage flow on the inside so I can keep calm on the outside.
A sample of my internal playlist today:
Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch
You Oughta Know, Alanis Morisette
Mother Mother, Tracy Bonham
Gravel, Ani Difranco
I'm thinking before the end of the day Garbage and Hole will make my list too. That's alright. I like it. It'll give me soemthing to write to.
Speaking of writing, I think I am finally in the right frame of mind to tackle some of those pesky scenes I haven't been willing to try, so later, I'll be jumping into the new novel and seeing if this personal feeling of ( medicine induced) angst will play out on the page. Take it where you can get it, right?
Television and Intelligence
When I was at work this morning I had an interesting conversation with one of my bosses and one of my coworkers. They were talking about some television show (maybe you know it?) where people have eating addicitons to weird things. I remembered vaguely someone talking about it, so I chimed in "like eating the stuffing in your couch, wasn't that one?"
My boss asked me if I had seen that episode. I responded no, I didn't have television at my house. She laughed and said "Oh, I forgot."
My coworker was looking at me aghast. She wanted to know how I relaxed if I didn't have a television. I pointed out I have one, I just watch DVD's on it. I don't watch TV. Honestly, I don't feel like I am missing anything. There are some television series that we will buy on DVD when we hear that they're worth watching, but otherwise, when I want to relax I read.
"Yeah, readings nice...but how do you relax?"
"I read a book."
"But- I mean, when you aren't reading. I mean, when I get home I have to watch Real Housewives on Bravo, or I can't cope."
"I read. And when I'm not reading, I write. Or I go outside."
"But you don't watch TV?"
"No."
Now, kids, maybe I'm being judgemental, but I think this says a lot about this person's personality. Especially since she is going to be an elementary school teacher. I mean, don't you sort of need to like reading if you want to teach? Shouldn't you be encouraging your students to get outdoors or pick up a good book?
A couple weeks ago I was talking to her about my idea for a masters paper, and how I wanted to compare the rythm, syntax and word choice of modern genre writing to older styles of genre writing. I began to explain and she told me that it was way over her head. At the time I couldn't grasp the idea of her not getting it, because she's in a master's program. Shallow as it might sound, now I do. If she's relaxing by watching a bunch of rich tramps pick fights and go shopping, no, she probably wouldn't understand the concept of sound and flow in modern versus classic genre literature.
It made me think- do I judge people by what television shows they tell me they watch? I mean, I know I judge people by what kind of books they read (or if they read at all) but I figured that's a natural part of my future profession. I analyze what kind of audience they might be for me. But seriously, if someone spends time reading at all I give them a little credit for having intelligence, because they are exercising their minds regardless of what they are reading. Television shows are a completely different animal.
For example, I mentioned to her we own all the seaons of Xena, Warrior Princess, but that its a pretty standard tv favorite for lesbians my age. I don't know many who don't like that show. And its not the quality of the work either, because lets be honest, the plots and dialog especially in the first couple of seasons are terrible. But if I know someone watches, say America's next Top Model, or Jersey Shore, or the evening news, or whatever...that to me that says somethign about their personality. When I read my friend's facebook profiles, I actually look at the television shows that they watch.
I can use my Bestie as an example here again. Perpet likes British car shows (Top Metal? Is that what its called?) and she likes classic Simpsons and up and coming stuff. I learned to love joss Wheadon through her. I think if you look at her list of watched television shows, it points towards her being a relatively thoughtful, intelligent woman.
Whatever the reason, I've realized that I do it. I jusge people. Heaven save me if anyone judged me by the few television shows I watch....
Roller Derby Weekend
I'm really excited. I have this Saturday night off. On top of that being nice, because its the weekend and normally new managers get all the awesome weekend night shifts, I am doubly happy because this Saturday is a home bout for our local roller girls. Even more exciting, its a double header, so I get to watch both the "a" team and the "b" team play. I've got friends on both teams, and I'm excited I get to spend a whole evening watching them do what they're good at.
This bout is more special than usual because our team recently became WFTDA certified, which means that they are part of the league now, and they can compete for national titles and such. Our girls are so talented, there's no doubt in my mind I'll get to plan a trip to nationals some time in the near future.
I've even got a cute little outfit I'm going to wear the the bout. The "b" team, as it were, have black and pink for their colors. Awesome, because they are my favorite colors. I've got an adorable little black ruffly skirt and a pink top I'm going to wear. Naughty pigtails are in order, and I will most defiately be getting ahold of some facepain and doing some fun painting on my face, maybe even my arms. I can't wait.
I've also recently developed a fascinating for blogs by derby girls. I'm sure you've noticed their ranks increasing in my blogroll. I can't help it. There's something fascinating about the way they think, on and off the track. I love the way they express themselves. I love how they claim their independence. Even when unsure, these women are sure. They know. They live. They take every moment and wrestle it into submission. Honestly, these girls inspire me.
Karma and Optimism
So now for a slightly more pessimistic turn of the blog, for a moment. As a general rule, I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I try to be as positive about things as I possibly can. True, I am prone to worry, and I do have a tendency to get upset about things, but I also try and look for the upside of every situation.
I've mentioned before that i look for the best in every person. I'm incredibly trusting, even when I shouldn't be. I do my very best to hope for the best. This hasn't always been the case. I used to say that if you expected nothing, you were always plesantly suprised when there was more than nothing. Now, I expect the best from everyone. I try to glean the best from every situation. This has backfired on me several times.
I'll say this. I'm learning a lesson. Karma is not a patient tutor. About four years ago I made an incredibly stupid personal decision. It was a bad idea, but at the time I thought I could make the best of it. I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough, things would come out okay. I was wrong. I mean, really wrong. That decision cost me a lot of pain. I was most definatly punished for it.
Recently, I was confronted with a similar decision. Now, if I had been smart I would have said to myself "Alecya, you've been through something like this before. Remember how bad an idea it was?" But I didn't. See, I keep thinking that because my life has changed so much in the last four years, the world has too. Turns out, no it hasn't. I made the same incredibly stupid decision that I made the last time.
Guess what? Karma is kicking my ass. Again. You know what? This time I deserve it. Its worse, because I see it coming. I see what's going to happen and I can feel it moment by moment. I know how things are going to turn out. I know how I will end up feeling. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I went ahead and made the decision I knew I shouldn't have made. Apparently, some lessons have to be learned twice before they really sink in. I'd say I hope I never have to make that decision again, but since life comes in threes, I'm betting I will. When that time comes, I hope I'll come back to this blog, to this experience, and the one before it, and think things through before I make another stupid call. Here's the rub- I probably won't.
Things I've Been Meaning to Say
Right- this will probably not mean anything to any of you reading, because it isn't meant for you. But sometimes you have to hold back what you really want to say for reasons of prudence or sanity. That doesn't mean you don't still want to say them. So I'm taking a moment to say some of the things I've been wanting to say for a week, or more, so i can get them off my chest.
You're not that important. Get over yourself.
I don't know why you think you need to do that.
Listening to bad advice is worse than making a mistake and learning from it. Just sayin'
I told you! I told you so! I called it months ago!
You're wrong about this.
I'm not sorry. Not for a second. Even if it pisses you off. I'm so not sorry.
Yep, you were right. If we had been betting on this, you would have fleeced me.
You really, really don't get it, do you?
I know what you're doing. Its not going to work. Good luck anyway.
You lied to me. I let you do it. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger fool for it.
I don't want to do this.
It was worth it. Every second.
This better be worth it.
You're an idiot.
I'm a grown adult. Don't talk to me like that.
I'll forgive you when you figure it out.
I'm better than you.
Well, now that I've got that off my chest I feel a lot less petty. See? Now I don't have to think about it whenever I see the people I want to say these things to, because I've already said them in a safe place. And you'll never tell on me, will you? Because you have no idea what I'm talking about. But seriously, don't you ever feel like you need to just get it off yoru chest?
If you haven't you should totally try it. Just blog for a minute about all the things you want to say that you never get the chance to say because we are all mature adults and we can't because we function in a nice, rational society.
I love you, readers. You make me happy, just by being here (or lurking here, which is what most of you do...I check my stats, I know you're around).
Have a great day, what's left of it.
AGxx
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
headaches and happiness
First, I have to apologize, if this post has some serious typos in it, its because I'm on some heavy duty medication. More about that later.
The weekend totally kicked my butt. I'm not going to lie. i worked a lot. In fact, I got closer to 40 hours than I have in probably two years. If you've ever worked in food service, you know that a full time work week for a waitress is about 25 hours. So I'm super tired. on top of my normal serving work, I trained for my supervising position three nights this last week. It totally wore me out. Sunday night, as an added bonus, we went under a tornado warning just as I was finishing up. No sleep, plus lots of work, plus staying up late because there might be a tornado tearing down your hosue= a very cranky Alecya.
I also had a really bad migrain all weekend. Now, if you've never had one, it seems like it should be no big deal. Wah, a headache. But migraines are a completely different animal. I've had them since I was a little girl. I used to take preventative medication, but as I've gotten older I've done a better job managing them. I have it down now to maybe one every month and a half, which is pretty good, all things considered. Since I'm allergic to almost every over the counter pain killer, there aren't usually a lot of options for treatment for me. Its normally a tough it out until its over kind of thing.
For me, a migraine isn't just my head hurting. I mean, it does. It feel like I'm being kicked in the head nearly constantly...but for me it also involves not being able to hold down food. I get dehydrated. I get really hungry. It messes with my hypoglycemia, because my sugars are messed up since I can't eat. I become sensetive to light and sound. Smell is almost overwhelming. I loose motor function. Walking is hard, moving suddenly will make me sick. I can't see anything. When I have a headache, the smartest thing for me to do is lay down in a dark room, have someone hold my hand so I don't feel too scared, and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, someitmes, you have to work. So I pulled myself together and worked through the pain.
I've done it before. It isn't usually a big deal. But then, my headaches normally only last about 12 hours. Thsi one went on for three solid days. When I woke up this moring and I was still violently ill, I broke down and called my grandmother. She has the medecine they normally give me when I'm at the hospital when I've had one that's too bad. (yeah, I've been to the ER for them. Once, they had to hang 4 bags of fluid on me to get me back to a hydrated level) So I've spent a good deal of the day in a medicated haze. Thank god for my girls, who held me and loved me through it. I don't knwo what I would have done without them.
I finally got to feeling well enough to prepare for tonight. Today is Litha, the midsummer ritual, for wiccans. Its one of our big holidays. I've been excited about it for weeks, because tonight I was supposed to be the one doing the ceremony. I did, and I was really proud of myself. When I'm feeling a little better perhaps Iw ill tell you more about the ceremony itself. Suffice to say, doing the ritual tonight was exhausting, it requires a lot of energy. But more important, I did it. This is a huge moment for me in my religious life. Its an honor to do a ceremony for your coven. I was pleased and proud mine trusted me to do it even if I was feeling poorly.
I'm feeling a very special feeling of accomplishment this evening. It was so special to me.
I want to talk more, but I'm pretty sure its time for me to wipe out.
Have a blessed midsummer, my friends. I'm thinking of all of you, and wishing you happiness and luck.
AGxx
The weekend totally kicked my butt. I'm not going to lie. i worked a lot. In fact, I got closer to 40 hours than I have in probably two years. If you've ever worked in food service, you know that a full time work week for a waitress is about 25 hours. So I'm super tired. on top of my normal serving work, I trained for my supervising position three nights this last week. It totally wore me out. Sunday night, as an added bonus, we went under a tornado warning just as I was finishing up. No sleep, plus lots of work, plus staying up late because there might be a tornado tearing down your hosue= a very cranky Alecya.
I also had a really bad migrain all weekend. Now, if you've never had one, it seems like it should be no big deal. Wah, a headache. But migraines are a completely different animal. I've had them since I was a little girl. I used to take preventative medication, but as I've gotten older I've done a better job managing them. I have it down now to maybe one every month and a half, which is pretty good, all things considered. Since I'm allergic to almost every over the counter pain killer, there aren't usually a lot of options for treatment for me. Its normally a tough it out until its over kind of thing.
For me, a migraine isn't just my head hurting. I mean, it does. It feel like I'm being kicked in the head nearly constantly...but for me it also involves not being able to hold down food. I get dehydrated. I get really hungry. It messes with my hypoglycemia, because my sugars are messed up since I can't eat. I become sensetive to light and sound. Smell is almost overwhelming. I loose motor function. Walking is hard, moving suddenly will make me sick. I can't see anything. When I have a headache, the smartest thing for me to do is lay down in a dark room, have someone hold my hand so I don't feel too scared, and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, someitmes, you have to work. So I pulled myself together and worked through the pain.
I've done it before. It isn't usually a big deal. But then, my headaches normally only last about 12 hours. Thsi one went on for three solid days. When I woke up this moring and I was still violently ill, I broke down and called my grandmother. She has the medecine they normally give me when I'm at the hospital when I've had one that's too bad. (yeah, I've been to the ER for them. Once, they had to hang 4 bags of fluid on me to get me back to a hydrated level) So I've spent a good deal of the day in a medicated haze. Thank god for my girls, who held me and loved me through it. I don't knwo what I would have done without them.
I finally got to feeling well enough to prepare for tonight. Today is Litha, the midsummer ritual, for wiccans. Its one of our big holidays. I've been excited about it for weeks, because tonight I was supposed to be the one doing the ceremony. I did, and I was really proud of myself. When I'm feeling a little better perhaps Iw ill tell you more about the ceremony itself. Suffice to say, doing the ritual tonight was exhausting, it requires a lot of energy. But more important, I did it. This is a huge moment for me in my religious life. Its an honor to do a ceremony for your coven. I was pleased and proud mine trusted me to do it even if I was feeling poorly.
I'm feeling a very special feeling of accomplishment this evening. It was so special to me.
I want to talk more, but I'm pretty sure its time for me to wipe out.
Have a blessed midsummer, my friends. I'm thinking of all of you, and wishing you happiness and luck.
AGxx
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