Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can You Look Me In The Eye?

Hello friends! i'm back, and feeling much better. I don't even dare read my post from last night. I was so out of it, I'm not sure it made the slightest bit of sense. But now that I'm feeling better I've got a whole list (literally) of things I feel like talking about today. I'm actually heading them, so if something possibly bores you, well, you can skip it. :)

Litha and Accountability

I figured I start out with a Litha recap. I know I wrote a little about it last night. During my few lucid hours yesterday the girls and I went out hunting for allt he things we needed for our coven's ceremony last night. It was a lot of fun. When we got home they dug a firepit in our backyard for the bonfire. It was awesome. They got a little blaze going while Sakura and I set up our makeshift altar table.

When we preformed the ceremony it was awesome. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but given that I was tired and more than a little druggy, I'm not disappointed. Sakura said he actually felt the circle raise when I did it, which is cool. I didn't but then, I'm pretty sure that's because it took most of my energy to do it. I did the ritual, which was wonderful. Today I am feeling really blessed that they let me take a chance on doing it, even though I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. We've all agreed that since we don't have a working high priest or preistess yet, because we are a young coven, that we would take turns doing the rituals. Me getting to do the first one for our coven was absolutely an honor.

I'm already planning how I am going to do my next one, how to make it better. We have another holiday coming up in August, but I'm rather hoping I'll get to take a shot at Samhaim (that's Halloween to most of you). I was actually thinking of asking Sakura to do it in conjunction with me. I think between the two of us, we could raise some seriously awesome power. In the meantime, we have a chance to take the time to practice together and learn our strengths and weaknesses.

I feel really blessed to have such an in touch, wonderful coven.

I might also add, with a slight amount of blushing, yes, since we had a bonfire going and it was a midsummer celebration- I did dance around the fire. Sakura had kindly brouh some appropriate music for us, and I was feeling inspired (again- the meds? The ceremony? Both? I'm unsure) I slipped off my shoes and danced as the sun set around our little bonfire. It was freeing, and beautiful and I was laughing and happy. Even more fun, my beautiful Kitten joined me, and we danced and danced, and stopped just over the spot where we were handfasted, and kissed. Midsummer was truly a dream for us. It was wonderful. For teh record, no, I did not do it naked. I've got neighbors.

I'm also glad Sakura's back. He was in Mexico for a little over a week and I definately felt the lack of his presence. I love him, because for me, he's like a concience. I think Christians use the term "accountability partner" When I feel like I'm about to do something collossaly stupid, he's the one I turn to for advice. He's got a good head on his shoulders and I appreciate his insights. It gives me a chance to think on my actions before I make them. I was talking to Perpet yesterday about that. Technically, since she's my best friend, she should be the one I always turn to when I need advice. But for some things its better to have a second opinion. Perpet and I are on the same wavelength. Soemtimes that means we can get into extra trouble. I might call her up and say "I'm tinking of doing this stupid, passive aggressive thing" and she'll say "Oh, do that- and then do this. That's even better." I usually agree. And while I love having someone who can help me justify why I do things, its even better to have someone there who won't let me.

Angry Chick Songs

I woke up this morning with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" in my head. I'll admit, I don't normally wake up with crbby songs in myhead. Its usually something more mellow, or on a good day, bouncy. However, given that the come-down from the medicine I was on yesterday usually involves me being terribly depressed, I'll take angry songs over mopey ones any day of the week. So I posted the song on my facebook, because that's what I usually do when I've got a song stuck in my head first thing. Turns out one song led to another, and I've been playing angry chick songs in my head all day today. It worked out though, because we got our butts kicked at work and it kept me in the right frame of mind. Sometimes its better for me to let the rage flow on the inside so I can keep calm on the outside.

A sample of my internal playlist today:
Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
Are You Happy Now? Michelle Branch
You Oughta Know, Alanis Morisette
Mother Mother, Tracy Bonham
Gravel, Ani Difranco

I'm thinking before the end of the day Garbage and Hole will make my list too. That's alright. I like it. It'll give me soemthing to write to.

Speaking of writing, I think I am finally in the right frame of mind to tackle some of those pesky scenes I haven't been willing to try, so later, I'll be jumping into the new novel and seeing if this personal feeling of ( medicine induced) angst will play out on the page. Take it where you can get it, right?

Television and Intelligence

When I was at work this morning I had an interesting conversation with one of my bosses and one of my coworkers. They were talking about some television show (maybe you know it?) where people have eating addicitons to weird things. I remembered vaguely someone talking about it, so I chimed in "like eating the stuffing in your couch, wasn't that one?"

My boss asked me if I had seen that episode. I responded no, I didn't have television at my house. She laughed and said "Oh, I forgot."

My coworker was looking at me aghast. She wanted to know how I relaxed if I didn't have a television. I pointed out I have one, I just watch DVD's on it. I don't watch TV. Honestly, I don't feel like I am missing anything. There are some television series that we will buy on DVD when we hear that they're worth watching, but otherwise, when I want to relax I read.

"Yeah, readings nice...but how do you relax?"
"I read a book."
"But- I mean, when you aren't reading. I mean, when I get home I have to watch Real Housewives on Bravo, or I can't cope."
"I read. And when I'm not reading, I write. Or I go outside."
"But you don't watch TV?"

Now, kids, maybe I'm being judgemental, but I think this says a lot about this person's personality. Especially since she is going to be an elementary school teacher. I mean, don't you sort of need to like reading if you want to teach? Shouldn't you be encouraging your students to get outdoors or pick up a good book?

A couple weeks ago I was talking to her about my idea for a masters paper, and how I wanted to compare the rythm, syntax and word choice of modern genre writing to older styles of genre writing. I began to explain and she told me that it was way over her head. At the time I couldn't grasp the idea of her not getting it, because she's in a master's program. Shallow as it might sound, now I do. If she's relaxing by watching a bunch of rich tramps pick fights and go shopping, no, she probably wouldn't understand the concept of sound and flow in modern versus classic genre literature.

It made me think- do I judge people by what television shows they tell me they watch? I mean, I know I judge people by what kind of books they read (or if they read at all) but I figured that's a natural part of my future profession. I analyze what kind of audience they might be for me. But seriously, if someone spends time reading at all I give them a little credit for having intelligence, because they are exercising their minds regardless of what they are reading. Television shows are a completely different animal.

For example, I mentioned to her we own all the seaons of Xena, Warrior Princess, but that its a pretty standard tv favorite for lesbians my age. I don't know many who don't like that show. And its not the quality of the work either, because lets be honest, the plots and dialog especially in the first couple of seasons are terrible. But if I know someone watches, say America's next Top Model, or Jersey Shore, or the evening news, or whatever...that to me that says somethign about their personality. When I read my friend's facebook profiles, I actually look at the television shows that they watch.

I can use my Bestie as an example here again. Perpet likes British car shows (Top Metal? Is that what its called?) and she likes classic Simpsons and up and coming stuff. I learned to love joss Wheadon through her. I think if you look at her list of watched television shows, it points towards her being a relatively thoughtful, intelligent woman.

Whatever the reason, I've realized that I do it. I jusge people. Heaven save me if anyone judged me by the few television shows I watch....

Roller Derby Weekend

I'm really excited. I have this Saturday night off. On top of that being nice, because its the weekend and normally new managers get all the awesome weekend night shifts, I am doubly happy because this Saturday is a home bout for our local roller girls. Even more exciting, its a double header, so I get to watch both the "a" team and the "b" team play. I've got friends on both teams, and I'm excited I get to spend a whole evening watching them do what they're good at.

This bout is more special than usual because our team recently became WFTDA certified, which means that they are part of the league now, and they can compete for national titles and such. Our girls are so talented, there's no doubt in my mind I'll get to plan a trip to nationals some time in the near future.

I've even got a cute little outfit I'm going to wear the the bout. The "b" team, as it were, have black and pink for their colors. Awesome, because they are my favorite colors. I've got an adorable little black ruffly skirt and a pink top I'm going to wear. Naughty pigtails are in order, and I will most defiately be getting ahold of some facepain and doing some fun painting on my face, maybe even my arms. I can't wait.

I've also recently developed a fascinating for blogs by derby girls. I'm sure you've noticed their ranks increasing in my blogroll. I can't help it. There's something fascinating about the way they think, on and off the track. I love the way they express themselves. I love how they claim their independence. Even when unsure, these women are sure. They know. They live. They take every moment and wrestle it into submission. Honestly, these girls inspire me.

Karma and Optimism

So now for a slightly more pessimistic turn of the blog, for a moment. As a general rule, I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I try to be as positive about things as I possibly can. True, I am prone to worry, and I do have a tendency to get upset about things, but I also try and look for the upside of every situation.

I've mentioned before that i look for the best in every person. I'm incredibly trusting, even when I shouldn't be. I do my very best to hope for the best. This hasn't always been the case. I used to say that if you expected nothing, you were always plesantly suprised when there was more than nothing. Now, I expect the best from everyone. I try to glean the best from every situation. This has backfired on me several times.

I'll say this. I'm learning a lesson. Karma is not a patient tutor. About four years ago I made an incredibly stupid personal decision. It was a bad idea, but at the time I thought I could make the best of it. I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough, things would come out okay. I was wrong. I mean, really wrong. That decision cost me a lot of pain. I was most definatly punished for it.

Recently, I was confronted with a similar decision. Now, if I had been smart I would have said to myself "Alecya, you've been through something like this before. Remember how bad an idea it was?" But I didn't. See, I keep thinking that because my life has changed so much in the last four years, the world has too. Turns out, no it hasn't. I made the same incredibly stupid decision that I made the last time.

Guess what? Karma is kicking my ass. Again. You know what? This time I deserve it. Its worse, because I see it coming. I see what's going to happen and I can feel it moment by moment. I know how things are going to turn out. I know how I will end up feeling. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I went ahead and made the decision I knew I shouldn't have made. Apparently, some lessons have to be learned twice before they really sink in. I'd say I hope I never have to make that decision again, but since life comes in threes, I'm betting I will. When that time comes, I hope I'll come back to this blog, to this experience, and the one before it, and think things through before I make another stupid call. Here's the rub- I probably won't.

Things I've Been Meaning to Say

Right- this will probably not mean anything to any of you reading, because it isn't meant for you. But sometimes you have to hold back what you really want to say for reasons of prudence or sanity. That doesn't mean you don't still want to say them. So I'm taking a moment to say some of the things I've been wanting to say for a week, or more, so i can get them off my chest.

You're not that important. Get over yourself.
I don't know why you think you need to do that.
Listening to bad advice is worse than making a mistake and learning from it. Just sayin'
I told you! I told you so! I called it months ago!
You're wrong about this.
I'm not sorry. Not for a second. Even if it pisses you off. I'm so not sorry.
Yep, you were right. If we had been betting on this, you would have fleeced me.
You really, really don't get it, do you?
I know what you're doing. Its not going to work. Good luck anyway.
You lied to me. I let you do it. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger fool for it.
I don't want to do this.
It was worth it. Every second.
This better be worth it.
You're an idiot.
I'm a grown adult. Don't talk to me like that.
I'll forgive you when you figure it out.
I'm better than you.

Well, now that I've got that off my chest I feel a lot less petty. See? Now I don't have to think about it whenever I see the people I want to say these things to, because I've already said them in a safe place. And you'll never tell on me, will you? Because you have no idea what I'm talking about. But seriously, don't you ever feel like you need to just get it off yoru chest?

If you haven't you should totally try it. Just blog for a minute about all the things you want to say that you never get the chance to say because we are all mature adults and we can't because we function in a nice, rational society.

I love you, readers. You make me happy, just by being here (or lurking here, which is what most of you do...I check my stats, I know you're around).

Have a great day, what's left of it.


1 comment:

  1. Top Gear, darling. Nothing like three middle-aged men acting like 12-year-olds to make the day better. Also, it's how I found the Spruce Bruce (a tiny car with amazing storage and power? Win!)

    I'm so glad Litha went well, and I'm amazed you could stand, knowing how bombed you were on pain meds. And god, yes, I completely understand going to Sakura to check your conscience. You and I bring out too much delightful villiany in each other sometimes. Of course, Sakura and I have the same problem with each other on occasion. I think this is one of the reasons I married Sean. He has the step-away ability I've never mastered and can spot me about to go way too far without even looking.