I cried today. Like, I actually cried. Tears. If you know me, then you know that isn't something I do often. Actually, its something I do rarely enough it normally frightens my loved ones to see it.
Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?
I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.
It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?
The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.
I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.
AGxx
Oh, honey. I wish I'd seen this sooner so I could have called you as it was happening and offered whatever support I could. Call me. Text me. E-mail me. Carrier pigeon if you need to.
ReplyDeleteKnow that your talent is still yours, okay? You're still smart and wonderful and all kinds of amazing.
And fuck your mom. She's not right. Not being able to go to school isn't her victory lap, okay? When you go back, it will be fantastic. It's a delay, not a death sentence.
g.