Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Its Brought Me To My Knees

My religion is a full time job. I am not saying this as a complaint, but a simple statement of fact. If you know me at all, you know I love my religion. I find so much peace and inspiration in it. But that doesn't mean its not work.

When I first started practicing I heard all these warnings about how you had to be careful to pay attention to your mundane life...make time for other people, do things that didn't involve coven work, read books that had nothing to do with witchcraft. I laughed. How in heaven's name could you get so involved?

Oh, sweet, silly me.

As I write this, I am feeling guilty because i have about seven pagan books sitting on my desk in front of me. I need to write a couple of tests for degree initiations. I need to write about six rituals, and none of them have anything to do with our upcoming holiday Lammas. I need to finish polishing up all of my degree requirements, because I'd like to be officially initiated into my second degree, since I am halfway though my requirements for the third degree. Trouble is, I'm accountable to myself, because I am the high priestess of my coven because I am the highest ranking, most knowledgeable female priestess.

On my days off, and my evenings off, I devote myself to learning and working with other members of our coven. I write the scratch outlines of my rituals when I am on break at work and I don't have my computer with me. I'm about five books behind on what I need to be learning, and frankly, it sometimes keeps me so busy I make notes on napkins as I have ideas while I'm working at the job that pays me.

Say nothing of the time I take to meditate every day because (believe it or not) being kind, wise and balanced is not something that comes naturally to me. Its easier than it was a couple of years ago, but its not a walk in the park. I have to constantly remind myself of my karma and what path I am choosing to walk. I have to make every decision with care because I believe i should live my life harming none. That takes a lot of thought. And I'm not always successful.

I have a coven to look after and help to learn too. That's a joy to me, a complete blessing. I was saying to Addidas last night that when you're called to a path of compassion and love for others, when your life purpose is to help other people learn to become what they are at their best- teaching them how to release the things that hold you back- its a blessing. You grow every time you do your work. But its also emotionally challenging, and sometimes painful. Its hard not to let the harmful energy that surrounds you on a day to day basis drag you down.  I'm trrying.

The rest of the world has a tendency to disappear when you let yourself get immersed. I was thinking just the other day that we're only three months out from new year. Well, for us. And i laughed at myself because the Gregorian calendar has almost disappeared for me. Summer is half over for me. The harvest is beginning. My year is almost done, and most people feel they are only halfway through. It changes the way you look at things, that's for sure. 

I'll say this- I am struggling this week. I am finding it hard to be in my own skin. I'm having difficulty focusing, and so i find myself trying to multitask so I get something rather than nothing done. I don't feel as inspired as I normally do...but I do feel that pull of the compulsion to work, and to let myself be guided by the spirits who know better than I do. That's the one beauty of being psychic. When I am unsure, I can let the Others take the wheel and fill me with the desire to do what needs to be done. I love that.

I'm back to working on those rituals and tests. I can do this.

Despite all the seeming moaning, it really does make me happy. And that's what really matters, right?


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