You Were Never Very Kind

Over the last week or so my group of friends (more specifically, most of the people in my coven) and I have been talking about our personalities. Part of this came from a discussion on a section of study we're going to be working on in about two years. I know that seems like a long way out, but honestly, sometimes studying the craft is a lot like college. You have to go through the courses in the correct order.

Anyway, we were talking about this particular part of study because its very intense. Its what we call "shadow work" and is much deeper than what we're doing right now. The entire course will focus on the darker part of the self- the parts of you that aren't necessarily pleasant. Its about facing your demons and dealing with the harder emotional aspects of life. This got us on a discussion of our personalities because we were thinking about who would be effected the hardest in our group. Taking time to emotionally prepare for a big journey is always important, and this one certainly will be. Later in the week I had a girl, Adidas, over and we were again turned to the topic of personality. Part of this stemmed from me filling her in on a piece of my personal drama I've been dealing with because my personality has made the situation more difficult, for better or for worse. She was getting a fill in because I was doing some work for her, and while she was over Sakura and I threw a tarot spread about my little issue.

It led me to think about me as a person, because honestly, these things make you think about what you're really like. If you were to think about yourself, and you were to ask how someone might describe you to a total stranger, what do you think they'd say? Honestly, I think the words nice, friendly, outgoing, compassionate, caring, bouncy are not words that would come to mind for me. They would describe Oscelot well, but not me. Sakura, for example, I would say is energetic, caring and funny. He has a ton of energy. He's really smart. So where do I fall?

If I were to stick with Wiccan explanations of my personality, there's be a strong general theme. Take, for example, the cards that usually represent me in a Tarot spread. When you are laying a tarot spread (the traditional Celtic Cross) and I come up in a reading I am always one of three cards: The Queen of Swords, The Empress, or The High Priestess. All of these are great cards, but they're not what you'd call fluffy bunny cards.

The Queen of Swords, for example, is a pretty aggressive gal. She's the representation of a woman alone. Key words for her would be strong will, sharp wit, sarcasm, ambition, independence, and perceptiveness. She's a woman who has known sorrow and now remains aloof. She is someone who has suffered loss and hardship. She can be intelligent, witty and analytical. She's strong willed and ambitious. Sometimes cold. She values prestige and success. And that's when she's in her upright position. When she's inverted she's even scarier. In fact, Anthony Lewis describes her in his "Tarot Plain and Simple" book as "a real bitch." His words, not mine. When she's inverted she is sly, vindictive and manipulative. She's embittered and hostile as a result of hardship or emotional lost. She is clever, verbally skillful and a very dangerous enemy because she operates in secret.  The Queen of Swords is the personification of wrath.

Honestly, I think this card suits me pretty well. If we're talking honestly, and I think we are, I can be pretty aggressive. I know I'm a smart girl, and I catch things other people don't think I do, which is fine because I generally use that information to my advantage later. I've known my fair share of sorrow and hurt, sometimes I think more than my fair share...but then, some of it I brought on myself. I won't lie, I'm very much like the inverted Queen of Swords when I have my angry on. I haven't been her as much in the last six months or so, and i think that's indication of my personal progress in dealing with my anger issues. However, when I am angry, there is no doubt I am all of those things. And truly, if you've done me a wrong and you think I don't know and I do? I'll admit I work in the shadows, because being patient works better for me when I know a payoff is coming, even if its only me watching you shoot yourself in the foot. 

The Empress is the mother card. She is the Jungian anima archetype. She is an earth mother, a regal woman. She is creative, and has power and authority. She is helpful, and full of influence. She is the representation of beauty, sensuality and fertility. On the up side, she represents the ability to receive and give love. Which is awesome. She is the card that represents the successful results of hard work. Inverted, she's a hot mess. She's icy, and emotionally unstable. She's promiscuous. She is the symbol of blocked development. I'm not the empress as often as I am the other two, but I think that's because most of the time when I pop up in a reading as her, its because I do have a nurturing side, of you're close to me.Still, if you've ever made your mom angry, you know how formidable she can be.

The High Priestess has been my bag more and more lately, and I honestly think I am okay without that. I mean, the virgin daughter archetype surely doesn't apply to me, but her being the representation of intuitive awareness is. Key words for her would be secrets, mystery in the inner world, trusting your inner voice, esoteric knowledge, looking within. As a person she is a psychic, a counselor and an adept. She is an intuitive confidante and a sensitive person. She is a female Luke Skywalker, a personal Fairy Godmother. Inverted she is a manipulative person. A secretive enemy who can be cruel. She is promiscuous and self destructive. She can be shallow and superficial. She is the symbol of willfully ignoring your inner voice.

If that's not me, I don't know what is, honestly. I can be a good friend, a good psychic. I can be intuitive and caring. I am sensitive. But truly, when you catch me on the flipside, I'm more unpleasant than that. I think the high Preistess is a symbol of my approaching balance, the person I can be once I have my anger more under control. Once I face my shadows. I am her more and more. I see her as an amalgamation of the two cards above.*

So, you know, looking at the tarot, I look pretty scary on paper. If you were to ask me what I am like to an astrologer they would tell you other things, also true. My Natal Chart is a great way to demonstrate that. For example, it would tell you my Sun sign, Capricorn, makes me serious and mature. I get angry when people get rewards after not working as hard as me. It (rightly) describes me as persistent, tenacious and tireless in my quest for things I want. However, it would also tell you my Gemini rising sign means I talk all the time, and that I love to read. It would tell you that I am extremely active by nature and that I look younger than I really am, and likely always will. It would tell you that I have a high level of nervous tension, too, and anyone who works with me can confirm that.

My moon sign, Aries, is indicative of why I have a tendency to hair trigger react and let things "all hang out." It explains that I get into trouble because I have a habit of acting before I think. It also mentions that I have quite a temper, but I don't hold grudges. This, for the most part, is true. I really do have a spectacular temper, but I can usually let it go- unless its something really big. I'm only human after all. Venus in Aquarius, as she occurs at the moment of my birth, explains why I tend to collect a lot of friends, but most of them are odd- even if I do find them exciting and different. And Mercury, my favorite little retrograde mover, was in Capricorn at my birth too. An astrologer would tell you that its why I'm interested in things that are practical and useful to me. It warns me of being narrow minded and dogmatic. It also points out that my sense of humor is both earthy and almost slapstick crude. If you've read this blog for any period of time at all you can confirm this yourself.

But say you're like Flyguy and you think astrology is a huge lot of hooey that anyone can bend to make sense. What other indicators are there of my personality? My totem animals are Panthers, Spiders, Owls and Turtles. None of those are particularly cuddly. (I could go into what they mean, and if you want me to some time, I will, but I think just thinking about them is enough, don't you?) My patron deity as a male is a Voodoo god of sex and death. My patron deity as a woman is a Voodoo goddess made of snakes. I mean, honestly, I couldn't swing a fluffy bunny if I tried. Even the closest things I get to cheerful- like Bacchus, are still pretty intense.

So where does this leave me? Are these things true? Yeah. I think if I'm honest with myself, they are. Are they the only true things about me? No, I don't think so.

I know that I can be a compassionate person. I wouldn't have 15 cats sleeping on my porch if I weren't. I'd just call animal control and be rid of them rather than trying to find them homes. (Although, believe me, the thought has crossed my mind- albeit briefly) I am loving and kind to people that I am close to. I feel the emotions of others very deeply. I can be cold and manipulative, but I can also be warm and open. I like people to like me, and honestly, my personality makes it so that I'm rather hard to love. So when someone makes an effort to know me, I'm an open book, and usually a blanket and a cup of tea to go with it.

My home is open to anyone I know. I have no problem listening to others. I care for people, and what happens to them. Even if I don't like them. Well, there's a few exceptions to that one too, but lets keep chalking that up to me being human. I'm always willing to brew a cuppa and sit down and listen. I'm very rarely judgmental.I know people make mistakes. I've made enough of them in my time to be willing to let that go.

If I love you there is no question about my loyalty. I will stick with it and give you 110%. Honestly, I have a habit of being overbearing in my affections for my loved ones. I can make you crazy with my affection. I've been accused, probably correctly, of treating my close friends like lovers. Well, short the sex. Absent that, its pretty close to the truth. I'll admit it. Whether its a shortcoming or a beneficial aspect of my personality I am unsure, but its there.

I think its impossible to give a complete, accurate description of one person to another. On paper, I look like a psychopath. And maybe I am, just a little. But then. I am also a really great, really fun person when you get to know me. If you take the time, I'm pretty cool. But then, I'm biased and full of my own power, aren't I?

If you were describing me to another person, and being honest, how would you do it? Leave me a message and I'll be happy to do the same for you. So long as you promise not to be offended by my now famed lack of filter.

Love you all, like I love myself.
AGxx

*Incidentally, these cards are all from the Gilded Tarot deck and are very lovely. It is not one of the decks I use, but I might need to get ahold of them. Either way, those are not my artwork, I'm sure you know that.