There's Nothing That I Won't Try

Its that time of year again. Yep, my calendar shows we only have one more day after today before 2011 is gone forever. I don't regret it, with the coming of each new year there is always something exciting and different. I like change. I like newness. You know me well enough, novelty is always welcome.

But, as always, it is time to evaluate and look forward. Now, technically, I do that on October 31, and my new year started a couple months ago. But, if you separate the spiritual new year with the calendar one, well- now's the time, isn't it? I'm terribly afraid all of you religious blog readers are going to be bored, for I know every blogger must feel compulsed to do this kind of post. My only reassurance is that you must like me, or you'd not be reading, so progress for me might be interesting to you, no?

I suppose I ought to start off with what I was resolved upon last year. I can't seem to find my dang list, but I remember what I was planning on last year. My big ones were 1) to read a new book every other day or so for the whole year 2) not to reread any books I've already read and 3) to be down to two cigarettes a day by Jan 1, 2012. I failed. Epically. I did read quite a lot of books, but I have a tedency to pick big ones, so of course I never did make it to the 127 mark. But I did read quite a few new books this year and I enjoyed them very much.

Among my new ones that I enjoyed were the Inheritance Cycle, by Christopher Paolini; The Sex Lives of Cannibals and Getting Stoned with Savages by J. Maarten Troost and Band of Brothers by Steven Ambrose. I picked up some non-fiction too, reading about the court of Henry VIII and about Elizabeth I. That was fun. I have lately become addicted to the series of Books of Useless Information. They're great fun to read. So all in all, I'm not angry with my showing of new books. I did, also, reread my favorites. It turns out that the call of Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice and The Count of Monte Cristo were too much for me. Although I made it until March before I broke down.

I am obviously not down to one cigarette a day. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I will say this- I smoke less than I did. I also realized I'm not a person who smokes because they are stressed or because they want to loose weight or whatever. I honestly like to smoke, and I like the flavor of tobacco. Since me quitting is more a health thing than anything else, I'm considering investing in a hookah. Shisha tobacco is less harsh and tastes better. I'm relatively certain if I had a hookah at home, I'd quit smoking cigarettes. I'm just snob enough to confess it. If I have good tobacco at home smoking Marlboro at work will not suffice for me, and I dont have time to roll my own or any of that sort of nonsense. And hookah takes too long to smoke at work. Haha.

Now, outside of those failed resolutions I have had a good year for personal change. I've learned a lot about myself.

Sometime just before May, when we officially formed our coven, I began to think about my personal flaws. I know I have many, but the one I kept coming back to most often was my anger problem. It was something I decided at that time that I really wanted to work on. Since then, with the help of my coven on occasion, I've really taken the time to think before I get angry and conssider whether or not I am really mad, or if I need to be. I've been taking a moment to consider whether or not a vertain situation that makes me angry will really effect me in the long run, and Ithink my temper has improved by leaps and bounds. Now, I'm not perfect, not even close...but I do think I am much closer than I was to embracing the darker side of myself and using it for something mroe than counter-productive and often futile fuming over nonsense.

As a result, I have found I am actually able to meditate. I can travel astrally with much more ease. My spellwork has seriously improved. Not to mention, I am much more plesant to be around. A side effect of me learning to control my temper is that I have been forced to work on my patience. I won't lie, sometimes work is a trial to me. Its not that I don't like my job or the people I work with. For the most part, I do. I'm really very lucky. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when I don't want to claw the walls. Instead, I am learning to take a deep breath and try for perspective. Even in my persoanl relationships, I find myself practicing patience. Part of it, for me, is realizing (as I did earlier this uyear) that I am a rather high maintenance partner. I'm nto demanding, but emotionally I carry a lot of weight. I also require a lot of physical affection and constant reassurance. My recognizing this has made me much more patient with regards to Oscleot and Kitten. I feel bad for them sometimes. I never regret them loving me, but I do know sometimes I don't make it easy. As a dedicated partner, I have foudnt here are often times I must be patient with them. I find it easier to do now, especially in consideration of how often I think they must be patient with me. Again, I know I fail more frequently than I ought, but I am much more in control now than I ever was.

This year at work brought promotion, and with it I learned to face my terror of failure. I aldo had to face my fear that everyone hates me- and accept it. I've come to terms with the fact that as an older staff member, one of the most senior ones, and one of the most dogmatic about the way I do things, I'm natually going toh ave people not like me. Add in that Ihave a reputation (rather deserved actually) of being a huge bitch, and yeah, I can't really expect most people to like me. I'm okay with it. Now, I have tried to be more reasonable, I have tried to be fair and good to our staff. I think its helping me succeed, because they are very willing to work with me, and for that I am really grateful. Of course, I know that I screw up now and again (okay, a lot) but I think I am gradually overcoming that terror that one day I'm going to walk into Casa Bueno and they're going to say "Alecya, you're a terrible supervisor,and we realized we don't like you. You're fired." I have to give my bosses credit, they wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that I don't worry about it all the same.

With regards to relationships (outside my romantic ones, with Kitten and Oscelot, which you get to hear about all the time) I've found a firm footing in my world for once. I thought that I was really a rather lonely person until this year. After years of feelig like my friends were not really my own ,I finally have that sense that I belong somewhere. The forming of our coven brought Sakura to me, much closer than we had been before. In the crosswires I was lucky enough thast Hedgewitch and her husband came into (or back into, rather) my life. I've missed that old sense of connection, and there's nothing like an old friend tohelp give you perspective and love, and remind you you aren't nearly as screwed up as you think you are- or that if you are, well, aren't we all?

I made a few mistakes, I think. I mistook some of the people It hought were my friends. I made some relationship mistakes that ended some friendships. But, I'm pkay with it. I think to myself now, I deserve people who love me at my worst. I do. And Ithink, sometimes, I erringly pick people who only see me at my best. It doesn't help me to do that. I have to be willing to let people see me when I'm not at 100% or hell, barely at 1%.

In that light, I lucked into Flyguy, who has already seen me sick more times than I care to admit, and who despite all of my oddities, has stuck me outand become a spectacular friend. His goodness is only equalled by his humor and his ability to see right through all my rediculous pretensions right into what I really am, which most days is a silly girl, playing at being a woman, trying desperately to cover up the fact that she is terrified of everything. In fact, I mentioned to him the other night, sometimes it amazes me how terribly vain and compeltelyinsecure I canbe all at once. He smiled at me, and his response makes me feel so much better, so terribly normal, that I can't help but love him for it. Of course, working with him is a bonus, because I feel much less isolated and old when I work with him. I can't believe I ever thought he was a personality void. Turns out, friends, first impressions are not everything (who knew?).

Through all of this year, and I have to mention her, because Iknow she's reading and wondering where the hell she's atin all of this- Perpet has become a better friend than ever. Seems like the distance between here and the rose City is gradually shrinking because we will it to. I was so happy to see her at Yule, I couldn't believe it. It seems like light has burst into myhome, and I am thankful she and the Boy were there to be with me for it. Also, in case you didn't know, she's going to be a famous author one day. Seriously. She's well on her wya. I couldn't be prouder. This year she has given me more good advice, more comfort and more laughs than just about anyone.

So, you see, I've been a very lucky woman. Of course, I have other friends, other people who bear mentioning here, but Iwould bore you with a laundry list of how fortuante I truly am. Although (Bobcat and Lynx) I have to make a special shout out to the people in my Kitteh family, because they do mean so very much to me.

Normally, I suppose, this would be the time when I talk about the resolutions I've made, and how I'm going to achieve them. But the one thing I've learned this year is that soetimes growth isn't quantifiable until after its been achieved, and the things you can count aren't always the ones that should count. Instead, I will say this. I want to keep working on my anger. I need to keep working on my patience. Spiritually, I've aquired apatron god, one who willingly reminds me that I am vain and rather silly. They are things I know will need to change for me to be a happy, successful person, and witch. At Yule, rather than wishing, I blessed myself, and I chose more friends, love, health and spirituality. These are things I already have, yes, but they are things I want to keep and to grow in this next year. I want to grow my skills as a witch, and I want to grow myself as a person. I can't quantify that. I can say, though, that in hte next year, we can watch my progress together. And you, my friend, will always be there to remind e that I've chosen to make myself better, and that once a choice is made there isn't a way to take it back.

I sincerely hope that each of you has found many blessings this year. I hope that 2011 was kind to you, and that when it wasn't you were able to bear through it. I think we can, together, approach 2012 with the Grace and Humor we all hold within us. We wouldn't be friends otherwise, right?

Lord and Lady Bless you. Be safe, and have a wonderful start to your new year. I'm glad for you being here. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us.

AGxx

Drinking the Dawn

The sun was being born, brilliant and startling and I was in your arms. I was being remade, strange and trembling as I felt you all around me. And there, in that moment, I felt my pulse like I never had before. It beat in my lips and against my chest in a frightening display of rebellion and ecstasy. I could feel the room flashing about me as my eyelids fluttered and I was undone.

The room spun, and it took you with me- tumbling over again and again as I learned myself from the tips of your lips. I took each lesson, a long drink at your mouth, and found I was drunk on the feeling of you knowing who I am. I could see it in your eyes and the flash of your teeth as you smiled down on me and tore through me with speed and accuracy.

I find myself wondering idly what you saw in my eyes in that moment.

I could tilt my head back and beyond the brilliance of the sun, and the spinning, and the light that danced up from out of my mouth and into yours; I could look up and see the dust in the sky, the shadows of each planet and the stars hiding their faces. The heat of that moment was too much for them to bear. I felt their pulse too, and only in fleeting moments can I remember it without the pain they surely felt at seeing us together.

That moment, with you, I could feel the earth open up and wrap itself around me, just as you had. I could feel my hands and my feet and my nails and my hair being bound up in it, tight- so tight that I almost stopped completely. I can hear now that soft escaping sigh, the release so quiet I could hardly confess it, and I remember the feeling of the earth, your skin, coming up soft and sweet smelling between my fingernails.

I remember like the wind, the way my hair fell, tangled and confused as you took me over. Soft, tossed, like silk spun in secret at twilight it carried its own whisper. Never stop. Never go. This is too much, and enough and I am so soon empty and aching for more of what I've lost. Gather me up, hold me tight, braid me into a tale of sweetness and perfection I cannot believe but must.

There's a soft velvet purring in my chest. The sun rises higher in the sky. I close my eyes, I wait for dark. I wait for you. There is nothing but this moment, my memory, my heartbeat and the hope of another dawn with you.

AGxx


Postscript-

As you can see, I sat down to write a normal post and nonsense came out instead. My apologies. I'll be returning to my regularly scheduled redundancy as soon as possible.

Does anyone have any topic suggestions?

I cannot rest, I think of you

So today is Yule, our winter solstice celebration. I think I recieved the best gifts I could have ever asked for last night. Perpet and the Boy are in town and I got to spend the evening with them, Sakura and FlyGuy. I swear, just having Perpet's head resting on my knee was more than I could have asked for. I forget sometimes how very much I miss her.

The house was definately full of happiness and laughter and a fair bit of shouting seeing as how we all love to talk over one another. I'm pretty happy for that. It was delightful to see Kitten struggling to stay awake two nights in a row because she wanted to be with them as long as she could too. It was nice.

Of course, I had a headache the whole time, but you know, with a fair amount of cuddling and painkillers it was managable most of the night. I didn't get sick too often.

I thought to myself halfway through the evening how funny it was. We had planned on playing games, but you know, when we get together we are all so very pretentious (no, its not on purpose! Its how we are) we couldn't get a game started because we were too busy discussing feminist dichotomies and the economy and Magic the Gathering (yeah, yuk it up) and movies versus their book and comic book counter parts.Perpet and I had a lengthy conversation about the publishing industry. I think we horrified the poor guys by discussing at length remedies and implements for your menstrual cycle. That got us back on the topic of feminism and we started all over again. I thought to myself, you know, we should have just planned on making the whole evening a gabfest.

I'm sure I will be back with a full report of the holidays soon, but I felt compelled to say that this morning I woke up with the most warm and delicious feeling all over me. (No, it wasn't the drugs) I was warm and I felt so loved. I know that I've got two wonderful women who love me. I also got to spend the evening with four people I know love me too. I sincerely hope that I am able to show them as often as possible how very much they mean to me.

I am teetering on the edge of too much happiness. I am almost unable to bear it. Someone remind me of that when reality comes knocking, because right now things are almost too right.

Toll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Well, Yule is just around the corner. For me, that means more time to focus on the family and on my friends and reflect on the things that I want for myself in the coming year. For me, this is a time of renewal, where I think about making my life better and the lives of the people around me better. I also take time to think about how fortunate I am.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I come from a relatively low class background. I don't mean my family is not classy (although we can address that later) but I do mean my parents we lower working class folks. When I was a kid Christmas and Easter were a time when I got new clothes because my relatives bought them for me, and if I was lucky, my grandparents would pull out an awesome toy or two. We received the Christmas and Thanksgiving baskets from the charitable organizations in our town. I don't feel ashamed, and unlike Punk, I am not mad at my parents for it. They did the best they could for me.

I do, however, think now about how very lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, and that roof belongs to me and Kitten. We own our home. We've got a reliable vehicle. Its warm inside. I don't lack books or other forms of entertainment. Our pantry is full. Honestly, my life is full. We're happy. We're in love. We have a wonderful chosen family and we don't have much to wish for. I mean, we can all use more money. A bigger home would be nice. But all of these things aren't things we need. Which is my point.

Well, the beginning of my point. I think (along with many people, I'm sure) that this season has become painfully commercialized and self centered. I called my grandmother today to tell her if she didnt have Christmas plans to come over on the evening of the 25th for dinner. She immediately apologized for not having presents for me and the girls. It made me sad. I don't want gifts from her. I don't see her enough. I just would like her company. I tried to tell her not to worry, and to tell her I was more concerned that she has the things she needs, but I don't think I really got through to her. If she does stay in town this holiday, I hope she comes to see us.

This year we've decided not to exchange gifts with eachother, me Kitten and Oscelot. In part, like I said, because we have everything we need. In part, we realize money is tight and we'd rather give to our family and friends than to each other. Then we got to talking about two of the girl's coworkers, who are dating. The lady has a son and she's terrified she won't be able to get him a Christmas present. We had already decided to get them some things (Kitten picked out a gorgeous sweater for her, I love it) and put it together as a gift for them. We decided last night money isn't so tight we couldn't go grab some more things for them that we know they'd enjoy and pick up some toys for the kiddo too. I like this idea so much better than getting something for ourselves. It seems right, you know?

Of course, this cued me to have to google what the heck seven year old boys like for toys. I was suprised. I saw nerf on the list, as well as some other toys and games that we played with when I was a kid. Of course, once I got to toys-r-us this morning I almost died when I realized a really good nerf gun costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 and that isn't including all the stuff you need to really trick the toy out. Did you know they make semi-automatic and automatic nerf guns now? That they make mock kevlar vests with holsters and ammo holders now? Its a far cry from the toy I remember as a kid. Cooler, oh yes, but much more advanced. Anyway, I've gotten some ideas for them, and I'm pretty excited that by the end of the week we'll be able to pick up some seriously fun stuff.

So, anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that everyone else seems concerned with the gifts they're going to get; I'm excited to see that we can enjoy a holiday of just giving. If you have the spare money, I defiantely encourage you to give something to someone who is less fortunate than you. I know, without exception, my friends are very lucky, very blessed people.

In other holiday news, I had the official Holiday Fight with my mother this morning. I called her to see how she was and to remind her that we had set aside all of Christmas Day night for her to come spend with us. I planned on cooking dinner and whatnot. She told me she wasn't making any plans, because she didn't know what everyone was doing. I pointed out that was why I was trying to tell her what we were up to. She asked then (as she has for the last three years) whether or not she could bring my brother, or if we would consider having dinner with him too. And, as I have for the last three years, I told her no.

I don't feel like I need to reiterate why it is I am estranged from my brother, or why I feel it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my home. Even if he had apologized to me, his temper is volitle and I don't want to expose Oscelot to it. Or Kitten for that matter.

Of course, this brought on a shouting match with mom. (well, she shouted) She accused me of being unforgiving and childish. I pointed out I forgive him, I just don't feel the need to expose myself to that kind of disrespect. I also don't think its healthy for my family. She seized on the word respect and said it was disrespectful towards her for me to not spend time with him during the holidays for her sake. I countered that I thought it was disrespectful of her to expect me to, seeing as how he told me he wished I would die of AIDS. I don't really think I should have to be around people who actively wish me ill. She told me to grow up and then hung up on me.

So, as always, I'm left to think what I will, since she swears she won't spend Christmas with us because I won't welcome my brother into my home. Honestly, its no skin off my back, since we don't celebrate Christmas, we only do it with our families out of respect for their holiday traditions. But, I am sure, she will inevitably ignore me until an unspecifed time right before Christmas, and then call and try to confirm some sort of plan at the last minute. Last year we each guessed a date that she would call. Oscelot got it right, she called two days before Christmas. This year, Kitten and I have bet on the 21, which is our Yule. Perpet has bet on the 23rd. We'll see. Honestly, it seems pointless. Last year Kitten's mom came over and had breakfast with us and we played board games all day. She only left because my mom came over and made it apparent (with a TON of rude remarks) that she wanted her to leave because she was encroaching on her time with us. What really killed me was she only stayed for about half an hour, even though we had made dinner for her and everything. She didn't even eat.

Ah, well. I see now why Kitten used to hate the holidays. I don't mind it so much now. We have a good way of working things out. WE go to midnight mass with Dad, have breakfast with her mom and dinner with mine. Its easy. We take thir gifts to them and we spend the rest of the time relaxing. I think we're finally beyond stressing about it. Although, I must confess, I am sorely tempted to make plans the night of the 25th if my mom doesn't call by the 20th. I refuse to sit around the house hoping she'll drop by. That's mean of her and pathetic of me.

Anyway, so the holidays are not so bad this year because we have things to cheer us up. Also, I might note, Mrs. Boss knows when Yule is, so she was kind enough to give me my religious day off so I could celebrate. I didn't even have to ask. She is so cool sometimes.

Also, I'm trying to get together enough money to get her boy a copy of the Count of Monte Cristo. He loves to read and we both just finished the Eragon books. We sat and talked about it, and he flattered me by asking if I would help him with his homework on the Hobbit. I plan on rereading Lord of the Rings whenever he gets around to reading it. He's so smart. Only in 6th grade and reading the stuff I like too. He's bringing me a book about the assasination of Abraham Lincoln, and I think I'll enjoy it. I figure I could repay the favor and get him something good too.

So that's the holidays thus far in a nutshell. Tomorrow we're going to start making ornaments for Yule with blessings on them. It'll be fun.

How's your holiday going?

AGxx

You know me as deep as the sea goes

First, I ought to thank you guys for the comments you left for me on my last post. I feel better already.

Second, I should tell you that I had a good time at the concert. This is Brandi's first solo tour and she was absolutely amazing. She even did some covers and some new music. I loved it all. I was enthralled. Her song sang me to sleep last night as I turned over on our suprisingly uncomfortable hotel pillows. (The bed was great, the pillows not so much...)

On the way home, in a dramamine induced haze, I wrote a new poem. Its terrible, and it needs work, but I thought you might be interested to see the raw form before I play with it. I should note, I'm pleased it doesn't rhyme. At least I'm getting away from that.

Terrible Trite Poem #2

There was one who shone
like the sunlight glinting
off fast moving streams,
tumbling over bare feet
hand in hand
laughing and smiling
like the moment would never end

There was one that melted
you like chocolate ice cream
on a hot summer night
as the rain began to crash down
into your eyes
into your mouth
into your ears
like secrets that you whispered
like that hour would never end

There was one who pulled
you into dizzying circles
as you laughed and laughed
as the dark closed aorund you
and the laugh became a sigh
and the sigh became a kiss
and as you held each other tight
you prayed the night would never end

There was one who kindled
the fire as the storm rose and
the light was stolen
from the sky
as you closed your eyes and listened
to the cold outside howl
and shriek
and bend everyone but you
to its will
As you hoped against hope
the world wouldn't end

There was one who laughed
in the dark
when you weren't listening
when you were planning and playing
and whiling away you time
dancing
seducing
quoting old lies
thinking that your time would never end

There is the one whom you flayed
as the bright lights shone down
in the arena and you were exposed
calculating
cool
dispassionate and sage
you know that pain and devotion
are tortures without end.

But

There is one who looks on
with a smile, as you stand
victorious but suddenly
alone.
One who feels you reel back at the hurt
confusion
and smallness in your voice
You song becomes a cry
your cry becomes a moan
your moan became defeat
And the oen watched,
knowing, unlike you,
where compassion ends.


Yeah. So that's the damage. It might have potential. Might.

Also, before I away to bed, I'd like to say- I was right. Its always nice to be justified.

Have a good one, and I'll see you bright and early.

AGxx

Self Preservation Is A Full Time Occupation

This morning I should be up and excited, we're heading off to Kansas City, MO today to see Brandi Carlile in concert. I am excited about it, but there's something weighing on my mind.

I am a coward. A complete, utter coward. Its really bothering me.

Yesterday at work one of my coworkers needed a margarita made and I told them I would get it for them. When I went to the bar I saw Mrs. Boss pulling their drink ticket and talking to them about the drink. I assumed it was being made and went about my business. Turns out, the drink never got made. Well, it didn't for quite some time.

Now, while I admit this person should probably have come to kick me in the pants, I also confess I should have been responsible enough to follow up with them to make sure everything was okay. Not long after that Mr. Boss found out the drink didn't get made. He made it, and then he went to yell at that server about their lack of follow through and attention to detail. Mr. Boss doesn't yell too often, actually, its pretty rare. I know he's been under a lot of strain from corporate lately to make things better, nay- perfect- with regards to our service standards in the store.

I should have jumped in. First, it was my mistake that caused this to happen. Second, yelling at a relatively new server about mistakes makes them afraid. They don't want to get yelled at again so they refuse to take risks when they should, they develop bad habits, they become timid. None of these things are things we want for our staff. By all rights, I should have interrupted and told him it was my fault and let him yell at me. But I was afraid.

Shame on me.

What kind of leader, supervisor, am I to be if I am afraid to go to bat for my staff? It would have been no skin off my back. Mr. Boss likes me. Even if he had turned his yelling on me, I wouldn't have been fired. I wouldn't have been written up. What he really needed was to let go of all the pent up frsutration he's been feeling about our company standards and our very new crew not quite making it up to snuff yet. I know better. I am better than that. I actually had nightmares about it...my concience is certainly punishing me for it today, that's for sure. What shames me more is that I am particularly fond of the coworker he was yelling at. It should have been even more incentive for me to be defensive on their behalf. Yet, I wasn't.

You know what's funny, I got to thinking about it yesterday, and then again this morning when I was laying in bed thinking about my dream. I'm afraid of men sometimes. Now, don't take that the wrong way...I'm not one of those lebians who think all men are evil and out to hurt me and every other woman they run across. I'm not terrified to be near them. I don't think they are bad or less superior than women...its not like that.

Anyone who knows me will tell you, I like to hang out with guys. They make good friends. That make excellent companions. But, truth be told, a man in even a slightly bad mood terrifies me. Up close and personal I am always nervous about them. I find them physically intimidating. I'm not sure why. I mean, I could postulize about the men in my life that hurt me and scared me and treated me poorly, but I'm also a rational enough person to know that just because one man hits or emotionally abuses or physically intimidates does not mean they all will. Even in light of what my brother Punk called "my taste for losers" I know that the men that came before Kitten were not a representative sample of all men, I just happened to choose a lot of jerks. In fact, as many of my close friends can attest, I find myself more angry than afraid when it comes to those situations, especially the ones from my past that involve me personally. I'm not a cower in the corner kind of girl. I'm a step up, return the blow and raise my voice in rage kind of girl.

So, yes, I thought about it and I marveled at myself because I have realized that the only two men I know that I am not actively intimidated by are Saukura and FlyGuy. Might also explain why the two of them are the only two men that visit my home with any frequency. I mean this as no affront to the other men I know, especially to the very sweet husbands of some of my closest friends. They know that. But like it or not, men make me anxious when they are physically close to me. Even if I know they won't hurt me.

If I had a therapist still, this would go on a list of things I need to resolve immediately. As it is, I don't, so I have to ponder my own cowardice here. I have to confess, I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. I feel like I am somehow less....I don't know. Less. Having realized this, of course, I will take the time to think on it, I will think of how I might overcome this irrational fear.

I'm not the kind of woman who likes to be afraid. I don't tolerate fear, though I have plenty. I'm pretty sure I've posted about my fears before. But, truth be told, when I am afraid, I usually push it out of my mind. Life must go on, and I must learn to walk upright if I am to be successful. This, to me, was an incident that pointed out a glaring chink in the armor with which I protect myself on a day to day basis.

I'm off, I have to pack. Honestly, I feel better having shared with you this rediculous cowardice on my part. That might just be the first step to becoming a better woman. There's no telling.

I'll be back tomorrow with a report about the concert and how things went. I hope you have a beautiful Monday.

AGxx

How I Miss You, and I Just Want to Kiss You

The weeks continue to tumble by so quickly I have hardly the chance to keep up! I feel the turning of the earth below me, faster than usual it seems, and I look forward to the approach of the holiday season immensly. I must confess, part of that excitement is knowing that my dearest friend, Perpet and her husband, Boy, will be in town soon and I will get to see her for the first time in over a year. I'm happy about it, I haven't been able to spend quality time with her in a couple of years at least. It delights me to know they are coming for a good solid week and I can spend time with her. It also makes me anxious to succeed so that we can move. I want a good home in a city that makes me happy, but it will be nice to be near her again when that time comes.

I am also looking forward to another excursion at the beginning of next week. The girls and I are heading to Kansas City, MO to go see the inimitable Brandi Carlile in concert once again. I am always delighted when she comes close enough to my hometown that I am able to go to see her. Especially when it makes it possible to not have to take more than two days off of work.

Speaking of work, I feel changes in the air. We've lost a pretty healthy amount of staff members as of late. I can't say I regret it, many who left are ones that needed to leave, so i am glad to have the chance to build a new crew with the proper skills and lack of bad habits. We had a meeting the other day with the managment and our trainers, and we set goals for things we'd like to accomplish. So far, things are looking well and everyone seems to be on board. If we are able to follow through, I will be delighted to work inan even better environment where everyone can play for the same team. I've got my hopes up, and I pray that they are not in vain. I pray we follow through. I think we will. Yesterday two of the trainers and I stayed after we got off work to do some deep cleaning and some much needed store rearranging, as far as decoration goes. We're doing it again Saturday morning before we work, and if all goes well, we think we might get permission to repaint, which is something we desperately need. I'll definately keep you updated there. I might even take some pictures, if I think of it.

Otuside of work I've made good progress on my new novel. It shows no signs of slowing, although I must make myself work if I wish to be successful. By all rights, I should be at it now. I comfort myself with the thought I can work tonight and gte back in the saddle. Everything is going as planned there, which makes me happy.

I've been reading more again, after taking a somewhat lengthy break from my usual book every day or two pace. I read Band of Brothers, by Steven Ambrose, which is a nonfiction account of E Company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. My Grandfather was in the 101st, so it was quite touching for me. I have even more respect for his bravery now than I had ever before. Afterwards, I have been taking the time to reread the Inheritance Cycle. The last book int he series came out just before I went on vacation. I want to purchase it, but I need to refresh myself on the series first. I have to confess, I love those books. Mrs. Boss is reading them now, her son convinced her to, and she is enjoying them. I can't wait to talk to her about them. She seems really excited. She even made me go into the office the other day and tell Mr. Boss that yes, they are better than the LOTR series. No offense to Tollkein, he was talented and created a beautiful world. Paolini, though did something better. Tollkein was an Oxford professor, Paolini was 16 when he wrote the first book inthe series. A far more difficult feat. I think the young man a genius. Plus, the books dont drag with heacy, florid language, but read with all the swiftness and excitment an action-adventure should have. Yes, I like them very much.

I've set Oscelot to reading David Sedaris. I thought, with her rather short attention span, that she might like the short stories. Also, he's funny as hell. She read When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I gave her to take on vacation with us. She loved it. I am going to read it next, its one that I haven't tackled yet. She's now onto Me Talk Pretty One Day, which I have read, and I loved. Its nice, because it gives us something to talk about. I like that, because sometimes I feel we have a tendency to fall into a rut and discuss work and other mundanities. I like having something to say that doesn't involve those things. Kitten, of course, I never seem to run out of things to talk about. She reads more than I do, which is great. I also get a great writing perspective for her, becaue she reads quite a bit in the genre I write, and she gives me a nice reader's perspective. She also reads a lot of Mystery and Thriller genre books, and while I don't read them myself, I am always interested in what she is reading because the plots give me fits sometimes.

One nasty side effect of the Eragon books, however, is I am feeling a bent towards poetry, which I am terrible at writing. Unfortunately, the books are riddled with poems and floral language, which always makes me want to try my hand at it. I always fail miserably. My poetry always sounds trite. Ah, well, its the thought that counts most days. I figure someday I will turn my head to the study of it, and then possibly escape my prison of meloncholy ABAB rhyming. in the meantime, I muddle through and laugh at my own work. It gives me perspective. I thought I would share my latest attempt with you. I sent it to Flyguy last night, and he was kind enough to respond with a correlating verse, which pleased me immensly.

My Stupid Poem

Draw a breath and close your eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies-
fast and hard the darkness turns
to slake desire for which we yearn.

Shatter quick the brittle glass
The one we hold which cannot last,
Turn the eye and shake the head
Tumble loose the feelings dead.

Yet lips murmur soft and sweet
Shower poison petals at the feet.
Trip them softly, trip them true
Another chance to play the fool.

Draw the bow and sight the sky
let yet another arrow fly.
Seeking true the greatest mark
In loving war, the subtle art.

Fill the quiver as you must,
Each wild repost and daring thrust
Draw a breath, and close the eyes
Notch the barb, the arrow flies.

Terrible isn't it? Ah, well. Practice makes perfect I hear. I will keep trying in the hopes of getting a passable poem at some point. In case you're interested, Flyguy's response, which I won't post here without obtaining his permission, addressed the preparatory moment before the arrow is let loose, the feeling of tension that fills us all before that moment comes, and how the past, the present and the future are our greatest burdens. I responded with a quick verse back:

Kiss the arrow, seal your fate. The time has come, you cannot wait.

It makes me want to keep after this miserable slog of a poem. Someone tell me to abandon it now.

Oh, an interesting thing I forgot to tell you with respect to work. Rogue doesn't work there anymore. She went back to our previous restaurant, because the old GMis gone and she quite likes the new one. I do hope she's happy. I was thinking the other day how odd it is, because I am no longer working with her, and I have since just after I started my old blog aeons ago. I commented to someone how strange it seemed, not having her in my life, whether we are friends ornot. Funnily enough, she friended me on Facebook that day. I say this in the most positive way possible, sometimes people we have loved, or people we still care for but are separated from, have a way of being a part of our lives always.

To be truthful, I have another friend I've been thinking of lately, and I know I've crossed their mind (not ego, sometimes you truly know things without being told) and I am interested to see how long it will take before they contact me. You never loose the people you love. Never. I'm waiting patiently, and we'll see. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

That's all I've got for now, although heaven knows I've got plenty to talk about.

We'll chat soon, eh?
AGxx

Its a beautiful day

I had a really fantastic day yesterday. Normally, I'm not a huge Thanksgiving fan. I mean, I love the mass amounts of food and all, but the rest of teh holiday seems a little lost for me. It has since I was a teenager and I lost my grandfather. When my family stopped spending so much time together during the holidays, it seemed like there was a lot less to be thankful for, and that's really what the day is supposed to be all about. My teen years and my early twenties seemed even more futile in the celebration of Thanksgiving. I didn'tr really feel a connection to the people I was around for the holiday, and I missed the feeling of closeness that I used to have.

I have to confess, I think yesterday turned it around for me. We had Thanksgiving with Kitten's mom. It was really nice. We hadn't really planned it that way, we weren't planning on being back in town from vacation until Wednesday and we were just going to crash out. Problem was, Kitten has a test for school she couldn't miss, so we decided it would be nice to have a family dinner. Since the fire, our oven doesn't work so well, so we were going to use Precious's oven. Then Kitten's mom asked what we were up to. So we got to go over to her place and make dinner.

I've never made a turkey before, so that was a big deal to me. We got over there at about ten in the morning and started to get things ready. (I have to confess after the first hour we realized there wasn't a baster, so we had to run to the store to get one, oops!) After we got the turkey going, though, we spent the morning teamed up playing games like catchphrase and taboo. It was a lot of fun. It definately felt different to me, because my family never did things like play games with each other on holidays. There was a lot of gossping a squabbling, but not a whole lot of fun. I derived most of my holiday joy from watching my grandparents cook. This year, though, we spent quality time togther, and I really enjoyed it.

When we finished cooking together it was nice to sit at the table and eat, Kitten carved the bird, which turned out really, really well. After dinner Kitten's mom's roommate came and played a few games of Scrabble with us. I loved it because they are both really good players, I like a challenge. There was plenty of good natured teasing going on. I spent a lot of yesterday laughing. I experienced, I think for the first time, how truly joyful a holiday with your family can be. I think Oscelot felt it too, and she was smiling and laughing all the way up to the moment when she fell asleep in front of the fireplace. It was awesome.

It got me thinking about how near a miss I had. Really. I know I talk pretty frequently on how lucky I am to have Kitten in my life, but I really believe it. Eleven years ago I was foolish enough to let Kitten go out of my life. I remember so clearly that day, I can play it over and over in my head. I'm not saying I didn't have happy times after that. When I was with Beloved I had several times where I was pretty happy, given who I was at the time. But thank the lord and lady I have Kitten now. I'm so happy. I feel, for the first time in my life, like I am complete. I feel like I trulyhave a family that loves and supports me. I have the security of knowing no matter what happens, its going to be okay because I have her, and Oscelot, to get me through things. Its this sort of love, the kind that has no restrictions, that makes a person truly able to reach their potential, to grow, to be more than they thought they could. I don't know that I deserve it, but I am glad to have it in my life.

I got a lot of messages from my friends yesterday and I was thinking again how much better my life is now. I couldnt' always say that I had friends who understood me, who knew me well enough to truly be friends. The people who I make my friends now are remarkable. They know how to deal with my constant need of affection, my lack of filter, my ability to say and so incredibly stupid things sometimes. They also know me well enough to know when I need support and when I feel like I need help. They always offer it to me. That's a very rare friend, a wonderful gift from the universe. I feel lucky to have so many people that I can call true friends.

I'm even lucky in my job, although a lot of times I don't feel like I admit it. I work for a company that closes for big holidays so we can be with our families. I work for people who respect me and my religious beliefs. I have two wonderful bosses who allow me to do things like take long vacations so I don't go bonkers and still give me a great schedule when I come back. I didn't have to be at work yesterday. I won't have to work for Yule. I know a lot of people who can't say that. It makes me happy to think I've found a place that treats me with respect and courtesy. Its really nice.

I know its sappy and a little cliche, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I'd be ungrateful if I didn't take a little time to sit down and acknowledge that.

I hope that all of you have something that you can be proud of, something that makes you glad to be who you are. Sometimes its just these little things, the ones that really count, that remind you life is worth living.

AGxx

Just Like a Dragonfly

Well, I've been home from vacation for a couple of days now. It was really nice. We had a great time.

I have to confess, I actually didn't take a whole lot of pictures. The most I took were on the day we went to Turpentine Creek Wildlife Refuge. We had a fantastic time while we were there. Its a giant preserve dedicated improving the lives of exotic cats that have been kept for breeding purposes, as pets or by zoos and private owners who have mistreated them or been shut down by various governemnt agencies. Its a really neat place. Some of the cats have really sad stories, and the entire staff has the whole history of each one of them at their finger's ends.

We spent the whole day there enjoying the beauty of the cats, learning about them and in some cases playing with them. There was a black leopard named Spike who loved to stalk along the tall grasses in his cage. If you took off running down the path, he would chase you and jump up at the fence and then make a chuffing noise (the sound big cats make because they can't purr). I loved him. He was adorable.

Kitten, not suprisingly, was very fond of the tigers, and there were several that were very fond of her too. One of them seemed to watch her no matter where we were walking in the compound part of the refuge. Oscelot spent a good deal of time admiring the servals, which are funny little cats. We laughed because the girl at the front desk said she thought the servals were mean. It gave me a giggle.

If you have time to visit their website, you should definately check it out. Its a wonderful place and they are working for a wonderful cause. As a person who lives in a state that allows the sale of exotic cats without resrictions or permits required, I feel thankful there are people out there working to protect the poor animals that are victimized by the trade.

We had a lot of good food while we were on vacation. I actually ate mexican food. It was delicious though. It was at a little restaurant called Casa Colina. The food was amazing, the service was good. I was pleased to see the chef/owner visiting tables, including ours. It was amusing, though. All the waitstaff were men, I am dead certain they were all gay, and they all had bleached blonde hair. I joked with the girls that maybe their dress code was really strict, or maybe they all lost a bet. We weren't sure. Either way, the food was excellent. We also ate at an Irish restaurant called the Pied Piper Inn. The food was terrific, and again, the service was stellar. Our waitress, who was also the bartender, invited us to a big party at a bar across from our hotel after we finished. We didn't go, we wanted to sleep, but it was a nice thought, wasn't it?

We wandered the shopping district more than we ought, and found a ton of things we really liked. Thank heavens we didn't buy all of them, we wouldn't have been able to fit them in the truck. We also got massages and spent a lot of time in our hotel watching food network and playing in our giant jaccuzzi tub. Its the first one I've ever been in (in a hotel room at least) where I could lay down completely and still have room at the head and foot of the tub. It was delightful.

I must confess, though, I was glad to get back home. I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked without my bed, so I was delighted to crawl into it after nearly a week of not being in it. I've spent the last couple of days trying to rest, because heading back to Casa Bueno for black friday is not something I particularly look forward to. Its a rough day all around.

Since we've come home I have been lucky enough to spend time wtih both Precious, Kitten's bff, and Flyguy, who came over last night to play a couple rounds of scrabble. I was also delighted, because he brought us this adorable little staircase to put in front of the litter box for our kittens, who have trouble getting into it. He made it, and I thought it was really sweet of him.

Today we are going to Kitten's mom's house for Thanksgiving. I am making my very first turkey. I'm pretty anxious about it. I mean, I should be okay given all the episodes of Thanksgiving everything on food network. I know how its done, I've just never put it into practice. Otherwise, it should be another relaxing day. I get to watch pride and prejudice on television, we'll probably play a few games, and we get to eat a huge meal. Things should be pretty nice.

Well, I am to dash off to the MIL's now, so I have to sign off. I hope your turkey day is fabulous. Don't put the stuffing in the bird. Itll make you sick.

AGxx

I'm Writing Our History on the Bedroom Wall

Wow. I disappeared for while there didn't I?

Well, to be perfectly honest I was pretty busy. I had Samahin preparations toworry about. It went well, by the way, and I will get back to my witch 101 lessons as soon as I'm able, although I confess, its likely to be December before I get to it.

As you well know, its November, and for me that means its a writing month. Some of you know I've written a novel, and although I was unable to get agented for it, I still am very proud of that peice of work. I think its beautiful writing, one of the few things I've ever done that I am immensly proud of. The reason I got that thing started was NaNoWriMo.

In case you aren't familiar, Nano is short for National Novel Writing Month, and its done every year in the hopes of bringing authors and would be authors fun and joy as they scramble to get words on paper. The idea is that if you write a 50,000 word novel in the space of a month you "win." My first year doing Nano I won, and I won big. Iwrote nearly 200k words that month. That eventually (after, like, six revisions) became my first novel. Since then I have not had as much success, life has a tendency to get in the way; and by life I mean the terrible personal decisions I made in the successive years.

This year I am back at it again with a brilliant new plot and a lot of energy. I'm also being encouraged by my partners to get back in the saddle and get to writing again. So far I've hit 12k words. I'm pretty proud. I should mention I have plenty of friends who are encouraging me as well. It gives me a lot of hope.

Nano is also the reason I met Perpet, my very best friend in the world. She was our city's municipal leaison. We met at the prepratory meeting and rest is history. I'll forever be grateful to Nano for her, if nothing else, because my life would not be the same without her. I also met Sakura through Nano that year, and he has enriched my life as well. If you are a budding, would be, or hope to be writer, I encourage you to pop on the dorums and go for it. Its still early in the month, you've got plenty of time. Hell, its fun, and that's got to count for something right?

Outside of living at my desk chair and neglecting my blog I'm preparing for our vacation. We only take off once a year, and I look forward to it. I must admit, I've been extremely grumpy the last few weeks, so a break is somethign I could use. We're going to the beautiful city of Eureka Springs Arkansas this year, and its going to be great fun. While we're there we are plannign on shopping, antiquing (antiqing? eh!) take a spa day, having photos done, eating a bunch and taking a ghost tour at The Crescent Hotel. Its America's most haunted hotel. You should check out their site, its awesome. The photos creep me out.

I might also add that this is where Perpet got married to The Boy. A funny story for all you nay-sayers I discovered last night. While we were there at the hotel, I was charmed to find they had cats in the hotel. No suprise, since cats are meant to be guardians of people from spirits. I sat down in one of the fancy lobby chairs while Perpet was sorting out stuff with the minister who was to marry them.

Two gorgeous black and grey cats were playing at my feet in no time. I was delighted, because I love cats. Then a giant orange cat leaped into my lap and I was happy to give him cuddles. BBD looked at me askance and asked what I was doing. I emptied the orange kitty off my lap and told him I was petting the cat, why did he care. He looked at the cats at my feet and said no, they were sitting at my feet. I said yes, except for the orange one that just went out onto the porch. He rolled his eyes and walked off.

I told perpet about the cats and she spotted the two grey and balck ones immediately. From what she told me last night she spent the rest of the weekend hunting for the ginger cat. (I suspect she's like me and has a weakness for yellow tabbies) I was on the website last night and discovered the hotel's last ginger cat passed away in 1994! I was petting a ghost kids. I'm not nuts. I swear. I held that cat. I knew it was there. Apparently, BBD thought I was nuts because I looked like I was petting nothing...There's quite a few accounts of this cat, Morris, hanging around guests, as I fond out later last night. Wow. I feel both incredibly creeped out, and awed at the same time.

In other ghostly news, I had a dream about my grandfather about two weeks ago. He (and the lord and lady) came to visit me while I was sleeping. If I give you the particulars chances are I'd sit and cry at the computer, but sufice to say it was a moving visit and I felt very loved and touched when I woke.

I also discovered (because I think I've mentioned I've seen the Lord and Lady before, but was never able to figure out which archetypal for they were taking) that my Lord, such as he is, is The Baron Samedi, the king of the Voodoo Guedes. I'll let you do your own wiki search if you're really interested in him. I will say this, I think its entirely me that he's not only a god of death, but of sex, mirth and life. Trust me to have him appear as a snappy dresser who likes to drink and smoke. Eh? Yeah, its totally me. I found him while I was doing research on death gods. It was, um, a shock.

Other than those things, my life has gone on pretty well as normal. I've been playing Scrabble with Flyguy and Kitten quite a bit. They're getting good enough to beat me on a regular basis. I like the challenge but am convinced if I work harder, I can maintain a winning streak.

I hope all my lovelies in blogland are happy and well. I'll not disappear so long again, I promise.

AGxx

If You Don't Like What You See, That Means Nothing to Me

Its awfully early for bright and shining moments of clarity, but there you have it. If you're my friend on Facebook, you're already going to have heard this bit of news. You know how facebook makes suggestions of friends to you? Well, it keeps suggesting BBD as a friend for me. Now, after looking at that stupid thing long enough, I did what any normal person would do....I clicked on the link to his profile page. It is in this manner I discovered a message left to him on his wall by one of his female friends, in which she refers to me as "she who must not be named"

This is funny. Really funny. In part because I don't see myself as evil at all. In part because its just such a cool nickname. In some ways though, its sad, too. Not for me, don't get me wrong, I'm as happy as can be, but I think its sad that BBD hasn't moved on to the point where he feels free to mention my name without an emotional meltdown. I also think its sad his friends have nothing better to do than make fun of me three some odd years after I stopped being a part of his life.

What was interesting, though, is that in this wall post, this person mentioned that she wondered what I would say if she knew what she had really thought of me.

Cue crying. Only kidding. It comes as no shock to me that most of his friends only pretended to like me. Honestly, I acted so out of the way of my normal character when I was with BBD I didn't like me. But, in the interest of honesty, and putting it all out there, this is what Iwould have said if she had asked me that to my face:

I think it takes a really shallow and lonely person to lie to someone about whether or not they like them.

I think that a good friend would have told BBD that I was a bad person and bad for him rather than going to the store to pick out an engagement ring with him. If she were a true friend, she would have stopped him.

I think that I was a different person back then, and she doesn't have any right to make fun of me. She didn't know me then, she sure as hell doesn't know me now. I don't drink now, I don't go out, I don't party. Also, I don't worry about money, or starving, or whether or not my partner is going to physically abuse me. I don't worry about anything, anymore. But then, maybe, if someone had gathered up what little courage they had to tell me they thought I was a waste of space you could have saved him a lot of heartache and my liver a lot of its pickling.

I'd tell her that given the pathetic, lovelorn notes that BBD was sending me via email, where she was reading my responses for him, that if she were a good friend she would have grown a pair and told him I said to get lost so he wouldn't keep emailing me. I'd have told him that I'm a bitch, a terrible person and bad for him and refused to enable his emotionally crippling habit.

I'd also tell her that I feel sorry for her. One, its been three years. Move on. And help your friend to move on. Why would anyone make that emotional situation worse, especially given his and his family's prediliction for depression, alcoholism and drug abuse? I'd tell her if she does, or doesn't, like the girl he's seeing now, do her a favor and tell her. Be an adult.

Finally, I'd tell her that the whole reason she spent all those years chasing guys she never could catch were wasted. The reason they never paid attention to you is because you have no self confidence. If you had even a semblance of a spine you'd have caught them. You'd have run me off. We'd all be happier people. Then again, if you had a semblance of a spine, you'd have realized most the guys you chased after werent fit to wipe your shoes anyway.

But that's just me.

Hooray for moments when I realize how far I've come. To my friends, thanks for being there for me.

AGxx

Witch 101 part 2- The Path Unwinding

Well, I was talking about holidays this morning, and that makes this a rather timely post. This is my second in my posts about my faith, so I'm going to be talking about holidays with relation to the Wiccan faith.

If you have any questions about our holidays, feel free to ask me, and as always feel free to ask any other questions you have. I'm an open book, and I'll tell you as much as I possibly can, or refer you to someone who knows better than I do.

We have two kinds of holidays. The first kind are called Esbats. An esbat occurs twice a month- once on the full moon and again on the new moon. These are nights where the witch is able to do particularly strong magic, because the moon is in its two strongest phases. In our coven, as a general rule, we use them for what we call "working nights" which means we work on spells we wish to be particularly effective, or when we need to make or charge or bless magical supplies. Things like that. Many covens will do ritual on these nights and spend time together. As of now, our coven doesn't preform ritual for esbats on a regular basis, but thats a scheduling thing more than it is a lack of wanting to do it.

The second kind of holiday we have are the High Holy Days, also known as Sabbatsor fire festivals. We have eight of them a year. For these we preform rituals dedicated to the meaning of the holiday. Each of them will generally have a certain theme, and sometimes a certain goal. Afterwards we have a "feast" and celebrate with what we call "cakes and ale" As general rule our group does not use alcohol but a specially brewed cider instead.

The first holiday on our calendar is also the one you're likely most familiar with. You call it Halloween. We call it Samhain (Hallowmas, All Hallow's Eve). This is our new year. Most celebrate it on October 31st. Some wait until the sun is at 15 degrees scorpio. Either way, the point is the same. In celtic, the translation for the holiday means "summer's end" Its the last of our fall festivals and the beginning of our year. The primary focus of Samhain is transformation, regeneration, honoring the dead, honoring the harvest and preparing for the winter. This is also a good time to do divination work. Its always been one of my favorite holidays.

Also, I came back after I posted this to address a myth I thought needed covered, however obvious Ithink it is at this point. No, we don't worship the devil on Halloween. We don't poison candy, we don't turn into bats, we don't fly on brooms. We do purchase new brooms, but that's a different story altogether. Incidentally, all those candy scares we had as kids, the one that supposedly started it off, well, there were no razors in the candy. Turns out the kids uncle gave him drugs, and that's made him sick. I should note, his uncle was not a wiccan.

Our second holiday is Yule (The winter solstice). Its when the sun reaches one degree capricorn. If I remember right, this year its on December 21 or 22. It falls close to the traditional Christmas holiday. The word yule means "wheel" and is appropriate as our first holiday of the new year because our holidays celebrate the wheel of the seasons as well as the wheel of our lives. The primary focus of the holiday is rebirth and renewal. It is a time of giving blessings.

Imbolc is next, its also sometimes called Candlemas. Imbolc means "in milk"and the holiday represents new growth, the end of the winter season and is a time for purification. This holiday is usually February 2 or so, when the sun reaches 15 degrees aquarius. Its alternative name, Candlemas, is coined from the frequent use of candles in ritual for this holiday.

After Imbolc is Ostara (sounds like Easter, right? its a similar concept) This is the holiday that celebrates fertility, the beginnings of spring. Its a time where (in popular mythos) Persephone would return from the underworld to begin blessing the earth with new growth. Ostara is on March 20, 21 or 22 when the sun is at 1 degree aires. In case you've ever asked (andI know you have) what it is that makes Easter have eggs, chocolate and bunnies...well, that's our fault. Eggs, obviously, are a symbol of fertility, and thus incorporated into our spring ritual. Chocolate is a food that represents love (also, ahem, an aphrodesiac) so we give it to each other as a symbol of love to come. The rabbits....well...have you heard the term "multiply like rabbits"? You can draw the right conclusion, I know you can.

Beltane (May Day) is a special holiday for my coven, because it was the first holiday we celebrated together. It takes place on May 1, or when the sun is 15 degrees Taurus. Beltane means "bright fire" or "lucky fire" and is for the beginning of our summer. This is a time for love magic, weddings, and a time to preform ritual to protect your garden and animals. Most people are familiar with the celebration because of maypole dancing, which is still incorporated into many coven's rituals. It is also the holiday directly opposite Samhain, which makes it (technically) the second biggest holiday of the year.

Litha is our midsummer celebration, the celebration of the summer solstice. It occurs when the sun is 1 degree cancer. Usually the 20, 21 or 22 of June. This is another time to celebrate love marriage and the future before us. Its another holiday that is popular among Wiccans for marriages and divinations.

Lammas, or Lughnasadh, is the feast of bread. Its the celebration of the fall and the first harvest and takes place on August 1 or 2 each year. This is a time for playing games, blessing people, paying debts and preforming weather magic. It is a time to reflect on the gains that we have seen during our year.

Mabon, the fall equinox, is the last holiday before Samhain, and is when the sun is at 1 degree libra. It was on the 23 of September this year. It means "divine youth" and is a celebration of the second harvest. This is also the day where the sun is balanced equally between day and night, so ritual tends to reflect that theme. This year I preformed ritual and encourged my spiritual family to face the darkness within them as well as the light. It is a time to not only reflect on our gains, but to prepare for the coming winter, and with it, reflect on the "coldness" of our lives. Every person has parts of themselves that they dislike or fear and in those places are where I believe ew can find our greatest powers, the power to make change and do good, if we are able to face the darkness. That was a large part of my ritual theme.

That's the basics of what are holidays are for. As you can see, they reflect the cycle of the year, and thus, the cycle of our lives both yearly, daily and over a lifetime. I've only breifly touched on the themes of each holiday, and of course, there is much more to each of them. If you're interested in a particular one, as always, ask away.

I do want to clarify a bit about our rituals. There are so many rumors and supersticions about pagan holidays, I feel like I should address them.

First, I heard a lot as a teenager about "black masses" or Black Sabbats. These don't exist. There's no ritual sex in front of the coven, no dedicating ourselves to evil forces. Certainly there is no animal or human sacrifice. Anyone who's heard of these things going on should definately be wary of the term "wiccan" or "witch" because they don't have anything to do with our faith. We make a strict point to Harm None, which is one of our creeds. Groups that do that sort of stuff are cults, plain and simple, and have nothing to do with modern witchcraft.

Also, despite the term "cakes and ale" there is NEVER drunkeness in a ritual circle. One, its sstupid and dangerous (lit candles and a drunk? No thank you) . Two, you can't preform good magic, or magic at all, while you're tanked. IF there is any alcohol imbibed it is after the ritual and non-compulsory. Honestly, most of our coven don't drink, or drink so rarely, it would be silly to get tanked just because its a holiday.

Despite the fact that it frequently happens, we actually *can* preform a ritual during the daytime. WE prefer sabbats and esbats at night because of our belief that we draw power from the moon. So night is better, but not mandatory. Also, I think I've mentioned this, while we do sometimes have a bonfire, there is no requirement to dance naked around it. Some covens do, we sure don't. Its a preference thing. Also, with regards to "the witching hour" No, we don't have to preform ritual at midnight. The only time where we really like to do that is on Samhain, but that's because we believe thats the time when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. Since we are celebrating and honoring those who have passed before us, we certainly want them to be as close to us as possbile.

Also, I'd like to talk about the ritual circle. I mentioned in my last post that we use it as a sacred space to worship in. How anyone could thus believe that we are calling up astral nasties into the circle to go out and do our bidding is beyond me. For the record, no, we don't conjure spirits or demons or ghosts or anything like that when we're in the circle. We do ask that the spirits protect us while we are in it, but that's more like having guards than it is us yanking some spiny thing up out of the underworld (which we don't believe in) to do bad stuff to people who are mean to us. It is a holy place, a place where only goodness is allowed to enter. Sakura says to think of it as a portable church. This discussion could become complicated as we do take time to ask The Lord and Lady to be with us in the circle, and sometimes (like Samhain) we call on our anscestors so that we can honor them, but the long and short is, we're not dragging anyone out of heaven or hell so they can come chat with us. Suffice to say, we believe that the presence of Spirit and our anscestors is more what Christians might term as "in our hearts" than they are physically present like the ghosts in Harry Potter.

So that's holidays and a bit about our rituals. I hope you are learning, and interested, by these lovely updtes about my spiritual life. Oh- I did have a question asked earlier this week. It was an interesting one. I had someone on facebook ask me how Wiccans feel about LARP games. Uh, as far I'm concerned as long as you're not hurting anyone, go ahead and pretend to be a jedi or a vampire or whatever it is you role play. Now, you start hurting people and that's a big nono. I asked Saukura about this and he's on the same page I am. If there's a standard Wiccan party line on this one, I haven't heard anything. That sounds more like a coven preference to me. Sakura points out, there are some who pretend to be witches, but lets face it- they're pretending. There's no intent, so there's no magical work. If there is intent, well, lets go back to harm none. Karma sorts it all out in the end.

I'm interested to hear what you would like me to talk about next, so send me some suggestions, otherwise you're at my mercy for boring the hell out of you on some sort of witchy topic. Actually, I might cover astrology, if anyones interested in that.

Merry Part my friends,
AGxx

Ps- I got a lot of my basic information from the wonderful head of the Black Forest Clan, Silver Ravenwolf. She has several books out there that are informative. I appreciate the tutelage she has unknowling bestowed on me. Also, I need to include a wave here from Sakura, who went over this post with me and put in his two cents as well. Its nice to have a teammate.

Oh, also, I don't own Harry Potter, Easter, Chocolate bunnies, or any other physical object I might have mentioned or franchise I might have talked about. Just so we have the legalities covered.

I've gotten so much braver, can you tell?

I'm hoping everyone found my last post interesting and educational. I'm planning on adding another new one later tonight, but for now I thought I would just talk about the things I 've been doing lately.

I had a good time for our Mabon ritual. It went suprisingly well. I really enjoyed it, as a practicioner, and I was pleased with the work I did. It was my first ritual that I wrote myself, and I was proud of my work. I was also really happy with my coven's response to it. It seemed like it really resonated with them, and I felt really good about it afterwards. I really feel like I am coming into my own power as a witch, and I'm enjoying it.

Speaking of witchy work, this week is the new moon and with it I am planning on a huge house blessing for our space. Its been a really long time since I've done one, and I'm excited to work on it. I have all of the tools I need now, thanks in most part to our local health food store. I couldn't believe how much stuff they have in their dried herbs section. It saved me a lot of time and a lot of money as far as mail ordering goes. I'm probably going to work the blessing tonight. I'm excited for it, even if it will leave me a little drained. I'm probably going to ask the girls to help me.

I also worked a spell for Flyguy this week, and I'll be interested to hear from him how its working. I think he was a little suprised bythe gift, but I'm also hoping he wasn't frightened. He seemed more pleased than anything.

Speaking of Flyguy, we went to the zoo yesterday and had a great time. The weather this time of year is perfect, the animals are a lot more active than they are during the hot summer months. I love watching them move. The lion was in full show mode yesterday, he stood out in the middle of his enclosure and roared like crazy. It was moving, and beautiful. As a side note about lions, I saw the Lion King in 3D a couple mondays ago and it was amazing. If its still showing where you live go see it. I cried like a baby. It was beautiful. It also renewed my love for Elton John. He's such a talented composer. I really enjoy his work.

We made reservations for our family vacation last week too. Every year right before thanksgiving we go on vacation. We like this time of year, in part because its cooler and we can enjoy the trip more; also because there are less people in a workplaces wanting to get away, so we can take off longer without feeling guilty. As a bonus, it gives us a chance to relax before the holidays begin, which we need very much. This year will be our coven's first year practicng through the winter holidays, and I forsee there will be a little stress involved. Our families still use the Christian calendar, which is fine, but it means we have an extra load of holiday visiting. We'll have Thanksgiving, then Yule, our winter holiday, then Christmas, then Candlemas, another one of our holidays right behind it. On top of Halloween (our new year) and the calendar new year too. Its a lot to handle.

Anyway. This year we're going to Eureka Springs Arkansas. Its a little victorian town settled in the mountains. It was made famous because of its enormous quantity of springs in the vicinity. We're planning on having a relaxing trip. We'll go to one of the bathhouses for massages and springwater baths. I think the girls are excited at the prospect of a couple of ghost tours I've foudn for us to take. There's also a substantial wild cat preserve nearby. Plus great shopping and amazing restaurants. Its one of my favorite places to visit and I haven't stayed overnight since I went with Rogue about four years ago. Kitten and Oscelot have never stayed overnight, Oscelot has never even been there. So we have a lot to look forward to.

Also, I have to mention, because Kitten will be delighted I reported it, last night I lost a game of scrabble. She and Flyguy played me a couple of games. They kept me under 200 points both times (hard to do, I promise) and Kitten trounced me the second game. It was Flyguy's first time playing, and I'm looking forward to having a rematch with him, because he's remarkably good at the game, for all his protests of needing to study first and not knowing what he's doing.

My lovely coven has been keeping me busy, but in a good way. Hedgewitch and Sakura are over a lot, which is lovely. I get a chance to talk to them and stya balanced. I like having people I can share myself with that aren't my partners. I have finally found that balance that gives me a chance to be myself with other people without the worry of what they think. No one cares that I like to be close to them, in fact, they're all nice touchy feely people, which I need. They give me a chance to grow, which I love, but at the same time, they make me feel like a wise person as well. I am always delighted to have them in my home, and I can't wait to spend more time with them.

I'm off to work now, so I can make some money and get back home to being happy and fulfilled.

I hope today is treating you all well.

AGxx

Wicca 101- The I do's and I don'ts

I've been facing a lot of questions about my personal beliefs lately. Almost all of them have been respectful and kind. Actually, most people seem terribly afraid of asking me about my beliefs for fear of offending me. I am also preparing to do a brief talk about Wicca at a local youth community group for a series they are doing about different religions. Some of my coven mates are going through the same experience, so I thought this is a perfect place for me to talk about Wicca, my practice of it, and some of the basics.

I apologize in advance if I bore you, I promise I'll get along to posting something interesting to my non-interested readers soon. I also apologize in advance to my other Wiccan readers out there, if, at some point, I say something that doesn't particularly jive with your personal beliefs. I know we all operate on different traditions, and as mine is an eclectic, I know some of my ideas may not be the same as yours. I bless you in your differences as I trust you bless me in mine.

Also, there will be many times where I will refer to a Christian practice as an analogy for a Wiccan practice. I do this because a better part of the people I know on an aquaintance level are Christians, and I believe this will help them relate to an idea.

Lastly, I want to make clear that I am firm in my choice of religion. If you want to have an open and honest conversation about my beliefs and how they relate to yours, you're in the right place. If you want to tell me I am wrong and I'm going to hell, I respectfully ask you leave. I believe you have the right to your beliefs, same as I have a right to mine. I won't hate on your religion, and ask you respect my choice of beliefs, I am not up for conversion.

So. The basics. I want to get a few misconceptions out of the way first.

Yes, I believe in god. No, it isn't necessarily the same god a Christian might believe in, but then again, it might be. I believe that there is one spirit that created everything. I believe that this spirit has both a male and female aspect. In simplest terms, the one god I refer to as Spirit. I refer to the non-specific male and female aspects as Lord and Lady. I also believe the Lord and Lady can take many forms and personalities. This is not unusual, as the Judeo-Christian god is seen as both a loving god, a vengeful god, a just god, a righteous god, etc. Think of it that way. The aspects of the Lord and Lady are manyfold in that way.

No, I do not worship the devil. In fact, I don't personally believe in the devil. I belive that the evil in the world is created by humans. The devil is a way to villify wrong action and gives a chance for some to lay blame at another's door. When evil is done, it is done by the person, by their own choice. Wiccans in general, and my coven in specific, are ardently against any wrong magick or personal action.

So, as a follow up, yes I believe in right and wrong. I believe that you should choose each action you take with the intent to harm no one. Not yourself, or others. Now, this doesn't mean I think its okay for people to walk on me, or for me to let them, but I choose to make my decision with the intent to never hurt a person if I can help it.

I do not believe I am god. This was a huge one I heard when I was growing up, that Wiccans believe they are god. Not true. I believe that my spirit, my soul, is connected to all other living spirits and souls. I believe that the whole of the earth, and the universe, is connected to Spirit in that way. That is my connection to god. Now, sometimes a Christian will refer to being "filled with the Holy Spirit" and like them, we have times where we feel filled by god. There are times when we specifically ask god to fill us. We believe this is possible because god has shared the divine spark, the spirit that connects every living thing, with us. This does not mean we believe we are god. Not at all. We are human, and fallable, like everyone else.

I do not go to a church building. This is because I believe that you can be with god anywhere. Now, when I do worship, there is a specific sacred space. We call it a circle. This is a space that we purify and consecrate so that we may be safe and happy when we worship. A circle, however, may be created everywhere. Most commonly mine are in my home or in my back yard. But I could do it at work, or in a park or in the middle of a freeway were I so inclined. Another note, we also take time to purify ourselves before we practice. This is simply a time where we cast away negativity and harmful things from ourselves so that we may approach Spirit with a pure and happy heart. Sometimes that involves simply a meditation and prayer, sometimes a bath, somtimes other things.

I do not practice Wicca naked, or "skyclad". There are some covens out there that do that, mine is not one of them.

I do not curse people, hex them, or any other negative thing with regards to magick. Its not that I can't. I could if I wanted. But I choose not to. Here's why. Wiccan's believe in the threefold law: whatever you send out you receive back three times. I don't believe hate or anger accomplishes anything, and willfully harming someone goes against all my beliefs. As a bonus, when I don't harm other people, I don't harm myself. It may sound pragmatic, but its true. Of course, because I believe that all living souls are connected, it seems silly and wrong to harm someone else on purpose, because I share the same divine spark their soul contains. It would be the essence of cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Another reason I choose not to hex, and in general make an effort to be a good person is because I believe that I share karma (spiritual reward and retribution, for now, I'll discuss that more in detail later) with my coven. They are the ultimate version of accountability partners. When I do wrong, I am punished. But my spiritual family is also punished. This gives me pause when I think "maybe its worth the karma to get back, just this once." I stop and ask if my spiritual family would think so, and if they would be happy to receive that punishment as well. 99% of the time, it isn't worth it. Its also nice because they function as a support system for me. When I am having trouble "being good" I can call them and ask their advice, and as a general rule, I receive very good advice indeed.

There's a start on the I do's and the I don'ts. I would be delighted and honored to answer any questions you might have for me. I am planning on doing a rundown of my holidays in my next Witch 101 post, so I'll focus on those and any questions you have for me. Feel free to leave them in my comments, I have the anonymous option on there for you. Of course, I am always happy to know who I am talking to, but if you feel better not telling me I understand.

Merry part, my friends, until we merry meet again.

AGxx

I Don't Want Them to Win Anymore

Ten years ao today I was laying in bed with my girlfriend at the time, DimBrilliance. We were woken by a phone call from her mother. I don't need to tell you why she was calling. That day was a tragedy. It truly was. Since then she and I have moved on. She and I are living on opposite ends of the country, but we share something special. We've both become happy, successful people that lead productive lives.

The trouble with reccognizing this day, almost like a national holiday, is that so many people are celebrating it with a sense of patriotism. I completely disagree with that. Today is the anniversary of a great tragedy in the history of our country not a day to scream and wave flags. I know a lot of people disagree with me.

The point of terrorism is to put fear into the hearts of the people it strikes. In this way, I think the terrorists from that day succeeded far better than they ever hoped. They tapped into America's greatest weakness- our fear of things unlike ourselves. Since that time we have gone into a war, one I dont agree with, and it has divided our country. Since that time, extremists in my own country have had louder voices, ones that more and more people agree with. We've forgotten what we are, what we are supposed to represent.

Our country was founded on the ideas of personal freedom, religious freedom. Our founding fathers were radical thinkers. Today, they wouldn't stand a chance in the political arena. You see, they're too out there. I am disappointed as I look at Facebook posts proclaiming "support out troops" and "repost if you support one nation under GOD" because I see where we are headed and its disappointing. I believe in one nation under god, but my god may be different than yours. I want us to worship as we see fit. I want my muslim friends to be unafraid and proud of their faith. I believe in supporting our troops. They're doing what they think is right. They're brave people. But I also believe in supporting love instead of war, and in truth over dogma. We have too much of that. I don't think we need to wipe out all the muslims. I think we need to wipe away all of the hate.

I'm lucky to live in a country where I have a relatively free access to the rights other people enjoy. I know that. I'm a proud american most days. I'm also a proud witch. I am also a proud lesbian. And those last two things will for some time set me apart because people where I live are afraid of things not just like them. Its a shame.

I hope today that we can mourn. The people who died on September 11, 2001 didn't die for my freedom. They didn't die for America. They died in a sensless act of cruelty designed to weaken our country. So far, their deaths are in vain, because we haven't taken their sacrifice to heart. We've responded to the terrorists in like, with hate and fear. What a difference we could have made if we had chosen to act differently.

I want to mention this before I go. I work for a woman (Mrs Boss) who is as different from me as could be politically and religiously. She and believe separate faiths. We have different ideas in politics. She's a heterosexual and I am not. I am fortunate, because despite these differences we are able to love and accept eachother . We can work together and appreciate eachother. We respect the differences we have. I respect her immensly. She treats me with respect as well. To me, Mrs Boss is a true American patriot. She loves her country, she loves the life she lives, but she also loves and respects people who are radically different from her. That takes more courage than firing a gun or protesting in front of a mosque. Every day she makes a difference in her emploees lives and in my life, because she chooses to love rather than hate. I wish there were more people out there like her. Our world would be a vastly different place if there were.

Today I will take time to grieve for the suffering of the survivors of the attacks. I will remember the families who lost loved ones. I will celebrate the new lives of those who went to the Summerlands. But I refuse to take time to hate, because there has been so much of that already. What my country truly needs now is compassion and wisdom. Tonight, when I pray, that will be what I pray for.

I hope all of you are able to take a moment today and think of how your life would be different if you took a moment to hate less, and love more. I'm not perfect. I hate too. I'm trying to work on that. I hope you will also. That should be our true goal.

Can You Count to Ten, Can You Let It Pass?

Sptember is here, and with it thoughts of fall. I've already begun to prepare for the autumn. The wreaths in my house that normally hide in the living room are more prominent than before, I have garlands of fall leaevs hanging from my curtains. Before the week it out, I'll be stenciling fallscapes on my walls as well, so that I can celebrate the season. I'm enjoying looking at Halloween decorations immensly, and I am taking time to plan for our next fall ritual.

With this season comes thoughts of death. For me this is natural. The wheel of the year is turning, slowly and symbolically, to the time when it is darker and we spend more time sleeping, storing and waiting for brighter days. This is, without a doubt, my favorite time of year. However hot it is where I live (we're still experiencing extreme summer weather, we've had heat advisories this week with tempratures well over 100) I cannot escape the fact that, for me, fall is here. I should be celebrating it.

One of the things that bears thinking about this time of year is the darker side of the self, the things we fear, the things that run deeper than surface. Every person has their dark side, for some of us it is more prominent than others. For me, I feel, its hidden, but not well, and it spends quite a bit of time simmering just below the surface. If you were to meet in me in a public setting you'd be likely to say that I am a happy, friendly person. I'm nice to people. I'm affectionate. I'm empathetic. You'd be right. I am, as a general rule, pretty happy with my life and the people in it. I try to be kind to everyone whether I think they deserve it or not. I listen well when you can get me to stop talking, and I relate well to most people's life experiences. But then, you're only scratching the surface.

Anyone who has been visiting any of my blogs for long knows there is much more to me. There is quite a bit of that fear in me. There is a darker side of the self, one that I am much less reluctant to show here than I am anywhere else. I have many things that I am afraid of. I fear letting myself, my partners, my friends down. I am afraid of losing the security that I treasure so much. I am afraid of lonliness and of the disapproval of others.

More than that, though, I am angry. More than I should be. This is my true darker self. There's no question for me. One of the things we did this year while celebrating Beltane was to discuss as a group what it was we were wanting to achieve spiritually. Where our hearts, as it were, were needing change the most. I said I wanted to work on my temper. I'm angry almost all the time, even when I'm happy. Years of therapy never really did teach me to let things go. I received a not so subtle message from God and Goddess earlier in the week that I need to get ahold of myself, my temper was going to fuck up everything I am working for, if I am not careful. It was definately not news to me, but getting the wakeup call was startling nonetheless, I felt like I was doing better.

Then I got to thinking about it.

I'm still angry with my family about a lot of things. Despite the fact that I've accepted it and moved on, I'm angry with several of my exes for things that happened while we were together. There are sometimes I am angry at things I can't even control- my helplessness at cruelty in the world, the ignorance of others, the savagry of the human race. On a smaller, but no less important, scale I find myself angry that I don't try harder, or do more. I get upset when I find myself in a position I've been in before and I react the same way knowing what will happen. I get angry about work, about not going to school. Hell, sometimes I even feel angry at my very good friends because they're so good to me I feel like I ought to be a more deserving person and I'm nto sure I can't. I was mad at Oscelot the other day because she asked for candy at the gas station and said I could pick anything, and the pressure and worry of picking the wrong thing caused me to panic and not pick anything at all.

Its not just the anger though. Its how I handle it. I never just say something. I let it simmer. I think about what I would say if I had the courage to, if I knew I wouldn't be punished for it later. I think of how I would act, were I not a rational human being. Once, I saw myself as a panther chewing up one of my customers and then puking her back up on the table like a hairball, because she had made me angry. (actually, it frightened me at the time, but now I feel like that was a pretty healthy expression of my rage. I got it out of my system, and I didn't say anything.)

So, here I am, at the time of the year when you're supposed to be embracing your fear and your darker self to make positive change. Embracing the dark self is an amazing way to improve your abilities in the Craft, and I want to. I really do. The question for me is, how do I take that and make it into something positive and useful? I know my fears. I can find positives in them. I am safe and secure. I do my best to be a good partner, friend and coven mate to my chosen family. I know I can be the things I want to be, the things I chose to be, I just have to have faith in myself.

But how do I control the anger? How do you channel that into something good, into something useful? One of our rules is to never work when you're angry. ("Work", mind you, not work) The things I get angry about like politics and cruelty, those things I know I can work on. I talk about them here, I volunteer, I try my best to make people aware of the good they could do instead of the cruel. But stupidity in others is not something I can fix. And I am not patient. Not at all. I want what I want yesterday, but since I can't have it yesterday RIGHT NOW will have to do. This means I have to learn to be patient, but being patient when I don't want to be makes me angry. See how the circle begins? I don't want to be a martyr, and sometimes when I'm angry about some of the things in my work and personal life I feel like I set myself up that way. I'm bearing things as best I can, setting aside the injustices that I feel are done me, all to better my karma. Self serving, isn't it? Even when I try to be good I can't win.

I've done my best to try and breathe deeply and let things go. It doesn't work. I get more mad. I can't even meditate anymore, because all the things that I'm trying to wash away from myself come flooding into my head and it becomes a personal rage reflection time. I've tried cleansing breaths, I've tried talking it out. I've even tried writing it away.

My best bet, so far, I think, is to take that rage in me and work visualization. To think of that rage as a reflection of my power and strength as a person. I mean, if I can work that much energy into being mad and never express it, think of how amazing it would be if I took that energy and turned it into something else completely. Think of the power behind love or compassion or just plain old raw energy with that sort of strength.

My mission right now is to find a way to work that transformation. To create personal alchemy, as it were. I want my mettle to be made of better stuff. I am completely unsure of how to do it. I'm working up a plan. If you have suggestions, I'm always open to them. If you don't want to comment them to me, I've got an email address for that reason. I always like mail from people that love me. Even the electronic kind.

I want to be better. That's the first step, right? I mean, I had someone tell me yesterday that I'm sometimes too nice. Too nice. I wanted to laugh, because honestly, if most people took time to crawl around in my head, I think they'd run screaming the other direction. Its a scary place, even for me, sometimes. I mean, I know that no one healthy has Candyland up there or anything, but then, they also don't have panthers stalking in the tall grass waiting to chew you to peices and cough you up into a hairball, do they?

Count to Ten, Take a Breath.

I'm glad you're here, and you love me, even if I am a little nuts sometimes.

AGxx

You've Disappeared Somewhere

As I lay in bed the sleep crowds out the light prickng the corners of my mind. Iroll over, sigh, and find you waiting there in the room you live in inside my head. Its a small room, not too big for you, its place enough for you and me.

I watch you as you slip off your shoes and walk barefoot through the early morning light. Its like a gallery here, with pictures of moments between you and I hung on the walls for us to look at. Theres a soft, comfortable place for us to sit, and I wander over to you and settle in, my arm around you, and you smile at me.

It beautiful, brilliant, more radiant than the rising sun, and it takes my breath away. You sit and look at the pictures of us and I gaze at you, wondering what you see. Do you see the moment you first took my hand and we felt that perfect rush of warmth between us? Do you see the starlight in my eyes the way I see it in yours? You close your eyes, and I wonder what you hear as you incline your head slightly towards me, as though I am speaking to you through the quiet. Do you hear my voice, resonant, pleading, begging for another moment of quiet bliss with you? We don't have to speak, there's a pulse, a soft beating like my heart and yours when we sit together like this. There's a whisper, like my indrawn breath when you come close to me.

I could watch you all day, and I do. Even when I rise you live in that little room. You speak to me when I have nothing and no one. You remind me of tiny moments, hearbeats, seconds, where you and I were in perfect accord. I can see you move inside me, the stillness broken by the song of your body. You dance, you move, and I can see your bare feet tiptoeing through the soft places in my memory. I can listen to their glide as you move me, one moment, and the next, as I think of you.

There's poetry there, a beautiful, simple verse sometimes...other times an elaborate sonnet, written with all the passion we are capable of together. You recite it to me, and the rythm of my day changes and pulses with the words you give me, echoing lightly in my head. The verse and time are setting my breathing, they move my feet to a new, gentle beat that echoes the sound of my heart as I walk from one moment to the next without you.

You are there, though, never far from me. You linger, filling my thoughts in the moments you are away. I seek them, I let them wash over me in a rising flood of heat and need while I wait for you. you always come to me though, I can count on it, as I lay down again, searching for the warmth of your touch and your voice. I feel you there, your tender caress ready for my eager reception. Again, I say nothing. You've been here with me all day. Nothing needs said that you don't already know.

I've missed you. I've been waiting. I'm so glad you're here.

AGxx