You Make Me Feel Like A Candied Apple

So you can thank one of my friends for posting another sex survey, because you know I had to fill it out. It was a good time. I don't think I've answered most of these before, so new stuff. That's always fun, right?

1: Kitchen counter, couch, or on top of the dryer?

Couch. I know this sounds totally boring, but honestly, it’s just more comfortable. I’m all about comfort.

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or bad, and why?

Great. Because Kitten always is.

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

Good grief, I’ve been reading so many romance novels lately that it seems like every fictional character would be. From classic literature thought? I’m certain Rhett Butler knew what he was doing. He said as much, didn’t he? As for women, I’m pretty sure I’d have a nice time with Elizabeth Bennett. She seems playful.

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

Making out

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

In a graveyard. It is just so disrespectful.

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when:

Oh, good lord, I have a thousand of these. I think the winner would be when one of my former girlfriends stuck her gum on her palm during sex without me knowing about it. It got, uh, tangled up. I ended up having to use a razor to get it all out. Not a great day. Certainly made me feel awkward after.

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

I don’t know. I’ve had some weird things get me going. Usually it’s a song that isn’t meant to be sexy at all. Once or twice a cartoon has done it. Seems weird to me, anyway.

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone:

I assume this means tie them up? I’ve always been partial to soft fabrics. I think it’s more comfortable.

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

Innuendo

10: Top or bottom?

Yes, please. I don’t really have a preference. It depends on my mood.

11: We were about to have sex but then ________

My grandmother showed up at my house unannounced.

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

One is fine. More is fun. I don’t even care if I don’t have one. As long as I have a good time.

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

Truly, I don’t have much that I would be ashamed to have someone find, although I put all of my “personal” stuff in a specific drawer…

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

I’ve never had any truly weird ones. I know that’s a boring answer, but it’s true.

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

Like: taste, how messy it can be

Dislike: much harder…I guess that you have to stop at some point?

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

I had a partner once who wanted to use the ice cream stuff Magic Shell on me. It was weird. Also, it didn’t work because I’m not, you know, ice cream temperature.

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yes. It was fine.

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

Oh, this is a touchy subject for me. I’ll substitute the word protection for a condom and say, no not really, if you’re in a casual relationship. If you are in an intimate relationship, you and your partner have been tested and have discussed it and are completely exclusive and you trust them, then I think you can talk about not using protection. That’s my situation. But you have to know your partner is honest. You also have to be prepared for the consequences of not using it (for heterosexuals, pregnancy) if you do make that decision.

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

I don’t think I’ve ever had a teacher I thought was sexy. I had one once in college who was a former marine and tattooed everywhere and he had a badass personality, and that is (in theory) pretty sexy. But it wasn’t something that made him attractive to me, if that makes sense. I can find someone sexy and not be attracted to them.

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

NO. I don’t like food in bed. Ever.

21: How big is too big:

When it hurts all the time or they don’t know how to use it.

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

Watersports. Ew.

23: Biggest turn on:

I don’t think there’s one set thing. I suppose being sexy?

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

My back, my wrist, the inside of my lower lip.

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

When I’m in a bad mood or feeling self-conscious. It always ends badly.

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?

If it is real, sure.

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

I won’t say their name here. *evil grin*

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

When you hurt yourself?

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

This seems like a good place to brag and mention all those times you hear “you’re the best I’ve ever had” but that’s silly. Not to mention, you can never tell if someone is just stroking your ego. I love it when my partner tells me I make them feel loved, or special. That means I’m doing it right.

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

I prefer tasteful grooming, but I would rather my partner be comfortable with themselves than it be to my taste. Self-confidence is always sexy.

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

Yeah, it can be

32: Fill in the blank: “If they ____________, we are fucking.

Give us a few hours alone and it’s a good day

33: What your favorite part of your body?

My hair. But that has nothing to do with sex.

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

All of them, especially kissing

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex?

I’m not certain about these abbreviations (I won’t lie) but I will say that love does not equal sex or vise versa, although they can go hand in hand and are usually better that way.

36: What do you wear to bed?

Nothing

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

I don’t remember. Whenever it was, it obviously wasn’t a big deal to me.

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

Yes, yes and yes.

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

Yes, but it has been a good long while.

40: Have/would you ever have sex in public?

I have and no, that’s not normally my thing.

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

Yes and Yes. I’m in a triad. That’s part of the deal, right?

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

I’ve never chosen anything random. How vanilla am I now…?

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

I have before. I’d like to not do it again.

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

No and probably not. Like I said, I’m all about comfort. And I don’t care for planes.

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

Um, I think I’ve had it to most of the ones I’ve wanted to. I like Goldfrapp…

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

Massages

47: Most attractive celebrity?

Male? I’m really into Robert Downey Jr. Female? Michelle Rodriguez is hot.

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Yes. And I watch straight porn. But I like the real thing better.

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

Two weeks old

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

No.

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

Um, I hate overt come ons. They’re lame.

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

I have slight ones on my legs from when I was a dancer. They make me feel a bit shy but no one I know of has cared.

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

No. I’m a lesbian. But I do like going down on ladies. A bunch.

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

I guess it depends on the tattoo, but I don’t really care. If I am interested in them, the ink won’t make a difference.

55: How would you feel about taking someone’s virginity?

I have. I suppose it is a special moment for them, and you should try to be good to them, but I don’t think it’s the end all be all of sex.

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

I hate food in the bedroom. But I would especially discourage chocolate, meats (especially pork) mint (the burn) and of course, gum.

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

No.

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? how long have you had it?)

Yes. I own a ton of them. I have bondage toys and implements and stuff. Most of them are relatively new, because they need to be in good condition if you don’t want to make yourself sick.

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

Sure

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

Yes. Probably.

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

I’d rather not work in the sex trade honestly. But if I had to choose, probably prostitute. There’s no permanent record of that, is there.

62: Do you watch porn?

Yes.

63: How small is too small?

Size doesn’t matter if you know how to please your partner.

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

Yes. It has happened various times, for various things. None of them, in my opinion, we’re terribly freaky things, either. I’ve had a few seriously vanilla partners. Like, anything not missionary position was wild.

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

Kitten. It always does.

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

Sure.

67: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Depends on what I’m wearing.

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

No.

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Well, I’m not a boy, so I don’t know. I mean, that’s a different form of masturbation, so I wouldn’t think it would be all that special. It seems like that would be extremely uncomfortable.

70: Booty or Boobs?

Sure? I don’t care one way or another. I truly don’t, although I suppose I look at the backside more than the front. Neither one are my particular fetish.

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

Captain Kitty.

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

Well, there weren’t referees or anything…yes, of course I have.

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

Yes. Because I was unhappy. Because I wanted to. Because I wanted more. And no, I don’t feel guilty about it either.

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

Alecya G

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

*redacted*

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

Oh dear lord. No thank you. But if they did? I suppose I would make sure they washed and changed the sheets. It’s a little late by that time, right? Then again, my parents are divorced. I might die of shock.

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina?

Huh.

78: If you had a penis for a day, what are five things you would do?

Buy condoms. Have sex. Wear guy jeans. Wear Boxers, briefs and a man-thong, so I could have an opinion on the issue.