Contemplating the Idea of Friendship

My plants finally came in the mail, and I got to plant two rose bushes and 40 hedges yesterday. Turns out we way under-ordered on the hedges. It only partially covered the side of the house, so we'll eventually have to oder more, assuming I don't kill the first round. I'm pretty excited. I broke in my callouses yesterday.

I also heard back that my friend at workt hat I helped with the paper not only got an A, but she graduated as well. It turned out that paper was all that stood between her and her bachelor's degree. I was pretty happy.

I've gotten more written on my novel this week. I was reading a post from Perpet the other day on her blog (not the one I linked to, but her writing blog) and I felt really inspired. As far as publishing goes, Perpet has been way more successful than I have. She's getting her work out there and I'm really proud of her. Sometimes though, I have to admit, I feel a little jealous. I also feel like I am a complete loser when it comes to my writing. But this post of hers, it really lifted my spirits and gave me a lot of perspective. I felt better about myself when I finished reading it.

the Lifeguard is back in town for a few days. Technically she went home for the summer last weekend, but because she plays roller derby for our local team she got to come back down for practice and a bout this week. She came over last night and I got to spend a little time with her. It was really nice. It also got me to thinking.

Of all the people in my life that I care for, most of them were not an active part of my life 4 years ago. Now, I was best friends with Perpet, she's been there since the beginning. Saukura has been there as well, although I regret not spending more time with him over the last 8 years or so. I feel like I missed a lot of opportunity to spend time with him, and one day soon one or the both of us will move far away from the miserable little midwestern town we live in.

Other than that, there aren't a lot of people in my life I've known for a long time. I mean, there's acquaintances and ex-es and all that, but not really people I love and trust. Now, on the one hand I would say that makes me pretty fickle, that I change friends so often. On the other hand, I'd say that my life has been through so many radical changes that it was necessary for me to change most of the people in my life. I think its making me stronger.

Earlier this week I was at work and when I got out to my section there was a guy at a new tableof mine, and honestly, he was someone I had hoped I would never see again. If you're familiar with my old blog, you would remember my ex Preacher Man, and some of the awful things he did to me. When I was still seeing him and those bad things happened to me, this particular guy that was in my section was a friend of ours. He knew what wsa happening to me, and I asked him for help. I was frightened. When he told me no, that he wouldn't rat out his buddies, I was devastated. I don't think I ever took the time to forgive him for letting me hurt like that.

I don't think he recognized me, he didn't seem to. He and his mom were completely polite, they were completely easy to care for, but the whole time I was waiting on them I was remembering all those things that happened to me, all those hurts, and I was torn between crying and bringing my tray down over his head. Instead, I texted Saukura and asked him to say a prayer for me and to send me love. I felt better, knowing there was someone out there that cared enough for me to take a moment out of their day and talk to god on my behalf. It got me through that terrible hour. It was great to have a friend who could be my strength for me when I needed it.

Fortunately, I seem to have a lot of those right now. I have beautiful, wonderful friends who love me enough to want to support me when I am feeling overwhelmed or trapped or frightened. I've never experienced that before. Even when I was with Beloved, I didn't really have friends. Now I can honestly say I do. Last week when The Lifeguard came to get me after dinner with the girls so I could have some time away, it meant more to me than I could have ever expressed to her. Not only was she taking time out of her very busy schedule to come see me, but she was giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear that was willing to listen. She let me be myself, and she didn't judge when I told her that my partners (who are her friends too) were making me absolutely bananas. I felt more relaxed, more rested and more free after that couple of hours than I had in months. I realized I could take time for myself, have a life with my friends as well as with my partners.

Now I think about whether or not I am a good enough friend. I don't say this to solicit comments from my friends who read this blog, but as an honest moment of reflection. I want to think I would do whatever it took to make my friends happy, secure and well. I think I would do what they do for me, when they need it. I love my friends more than I could ever say, especially now that I am learnign to appreciate the very important role they have in my life.

I can only hope that they look at me the same way I do them. I sincerely hope they can't make it without me. I don't knwo what I would do if I didn't have them there.

I Love You Friends. (I love you too, readers)
AGxx