I hope I didn't bore you last time, because I enjoyed talking to you. This post is going to sort of have to do with music.
When I was a teenager I had a guy friend who was a really good guitarist. I'm still shaky on how he managed to do it, but he could hook his amp up to the phone he had somehow. He would play for me at night, when we were both bored and had nothing better to do than talk on the phone. He was a really nice guy. I always wondered why he never called his girlfriend to do that...my parents wondered what we could have to talk about. Hoenstly, we weren't talking too much. It was like having my own personal radio. Its his fault that I like Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana and Red Hot Chili Peppers. I would probably have not heard of them until much later if it hadn't been for him. Also, given my terribly strict upbrining, I would have not liked them instinctively. My church and my parents would have told me that they were bad bands to listen to. Come to think of it, I know that it contributed in part to me questioning the values of my family and church, because I didn't see what was wrong with the music he was playing for me. It certainly wasn't devil worship, and it didn't make me want to go do drugs and have sex and stuff like they told me it was.
I had another friend who introduced me to Oasis. I remember him telling me that the song Champagne Supernova was his whole life. He was a rough kinda guy. Honestly, I was suprised he talked to me. I was a huge loser, even if I was a cheerleader. He didn't seem to mind. Anyway, I started lsitening to Oasis trying to figure out what he meant. It wasn't until much later in my life that I realized what he was talking about.
You'll laugh to know that I feel in love with Weezer and the Beastie Boys because of a teen magazine. My grandma subscribed me to something like Seventeen (maybe Tiger Beat? I don't remember now) and there were interviews with both the bands. I was interested enough that I had a friend of mine who's parents were way more relaxed about music take some of my allowance and go get me a couple tapes. Yeah, tapes. My first CD was the Batman Forever soundtrack. Sad, huh?
I went through a period of time when I was obsessed with ringtones. I remember that my ex BBD- his ringtone was Plush by STP. Rogue had several. Lips of an Angel, which was sort of our song, but not for the reason you'd think, was her first one. I know she had I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry for a while. Then A Mili, which was one of my favorite songs she blared on her car stereo when we went out. I remember my ringtone on her phone was Walk it Out. I've yet to figure out why she chose that one for me. My mom's ring tone was Hide and Seek. Beloved- my longtime ex- her ringtone was Reason is Treason by kasabian. I suppose you could say i'm as passive agressive with my ringtone selections as I am in every other part of my life.
When I was in high school I did debate. I think I've told you that. My junoir and senior year, before rounds, I would listen to The Offspring before rounds. I'll let you figure out which album I listened to. It turned out, the louder, angrier the music I listened to, the easier it was for me to speak afterwards. I was never without my CD player in the halls. Yeah, there weren't IPods yet, either. When I exercise I like alternative too. Or rap. I like it a lot. When I used to hit the treadmill I'd listen to Notorious KIM. For some reason I would run longer and faster if I was listening to her.
That's all I have time for now. I want to tell you more. I want to tell you about music and me. About me singing opera and what classical music does to me. I want to tell you who I can't stand listening to and who I love. I want to tell you all about who I sing when I go karaoke and what I was like the first time I did it. I have to wait until tonight.
I'm thinking of you today. I'll have a song in my heart for you.
What song, do you think, reminds you most of me?
AGxx
Friday, July 29, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I dont want to wait
There are so many things I want to tell you. But somehow, I don't think I'll ever get the chance. So every now and again, because I suspect you're here, and you're listening, you might get one of these, just for you. I want you to know them not because they are important, but they are little things that make me who I am. And I want you to love who I am even when you stop loving me.
When I was seven I went on what I remember to be my very first vacation with anyone in my family. We went to St. Louis, Mo. No, its not very far away from home, but when you consider it was farther than I had ever been before, it was like I was in the car for a lifetime rather than two hours. (yeah, that was back before the speed limit was 70. It took ages to get anywhere. I still calculate my travel time by those speeds, for some reason. Maybe its all the road work I run into when I go there now.)
I remember we stayed at the Ramada right next to Six Flags St. Louis. I don't know if its still a Ramada, but if you drive by it now you'd know which one I am talking about. It looks like a big brown would-be lodge. You can walk a little pathway right up to the entrance at Six Flags. It had an indoor swimming pool, which I had never seen before. It seemed really fancy to me. It also had a restaurant inside. I liked that a lot too, because I could get food and take it to the pool. Trust me, even though I didn't become a proficient swimmer until I was in my teens, I still loved to splash around in the shallow end or take my flotation device or life jacket to the deep end and pretend I was a dolphin. Stop laughing. I still do sometimes. Although, really, I'd rather be a mermaid if we're pretending. Its a little more glamourous, isn't it?
I went with my mom and my brother, my cousin who was a little over a year younger than me, and my three aunts that still lived at home. If I did the math I could tell you how old they were. I know they were in my teens, though. My Grandma was the one who took us. We had several hotel rooms. I don't know if I told you, but growing up, my family didn't have a ton of money. It was a really big deal to me. This was seriously fancy. Our hotel room had a balcony. I liked to sit on it. I remember that. I also remember one night, when it had cooled off, we went out on the balcony and you could see that big ferris wheel, Collosus, lit up. There were different patterns in the spokes, and you could hear music coming from the park. My hair was really long then, a little longer than it is now, if I remember right. One of my aunts sat on the balcony with me and french braided my hair. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure there was a concert at the park, and she wasn't old enough to go.
I remember that weekend I got a couple quarters from my grandma and I went to one of those crane machines in the pool area. I won a stuffed mouse that had a pink skirt and an orange bow. It was hideous. I remember this because it is the only time in my life I've ever won something from one of those stupid machines. Believe me when I say I've tried. I kept that stupid mouse until I was 18. In a fit of anti-nostalgia, I threw it away. Don't do things like that now. Of all the things I've thrown out over the years, I wish I'd kept that mouse. I'm not sure why.
We also went to a St. Louis Cardinals game. I remember there was a heat advisory, it was hot like it is today. When the game started it was something like a hundred and four without the heat index. There was a player they had, you wouldn't remember him probably, Willie McGee. We went to watch him play. I know we didn't stay for the whole game, probably only three or four innings, honestly. It was hot enough we couldn't breathe. I do remember my grandma had a beer, and she gave me a handful of tootsie rolls, but they melted in my hand. I can still feel them in my mouth, I can still taste them.
We went to the St. Louis Zoo for the first time too. Maybe this is where my love of zoos comes from. I'll never know. But I do remember that it was huge to me. I remember the ape house, and how funny I thought they looked. I remember looking at the big cats and thinking of how I wanted one. At the time I had what my doctors termed as a "severe feline allergy" and I didn't get my first cat until a few years later. I suppose you've figured out, I outgrew that allergy. But at the time, I thought they were the coolest things in the world. i thought the zoo was a maze, and fun, and I didn't mind how hot it was. I got a cherry snowcone. I still like to get them when I go to the zoo. Tell you the truth, I still think the zoo is a maze. I've been to a ton of zoos, and I think that one is still the most confusing one I've ever been to.
This was, of course, a long time ago. It was before there was a penguin and puffin exhibit. The train was tiny and old. The aviary was still the coolest thing there, structurally. (Did you know it was built for the 1921 World's Fair?) If you wander through the zoo today, you'll see some of those abandoned buildings and exhibits. I remember when there were still animals in those. I remember, before there was all the concern from PETA and animals rights groups, how you could watch them feed the polar bears and how they would dance for fish. I remember how tiny some of the exhibits were. Even to me, when I was a child, they seemed small.
Do you know what my favorite exhibit is now? Its not the big cats, although you know how much I love them. I do, there's something in them that seems to be a part of me. But the one thing I love at that zoo, more than anything...the silverback gorillas. Never saw that coming, did you? I think they're a beautiful and strange animal. I remember, when I was eighteen, there was a new male baby released into their pod. I drove up specially to watch that day. You probably wouldn't know this, but when you release a new male into an existing pod, there's this ritual the rest of the gorillas go through. They mark their territory and they do what almost looks like a dance. I stood there in the sun and got burnt (it was worth it!) all day long. It was fascinating. I drove up by myself, I never really talked to anyone. I was there just to watch. I remember after they had finished I walked through the aviary. It felt so cool and relaxing after the sun.
Anyway, that's my first vacation. Or parts of it. I rode the ferris wheel even though I am terrified of heights. I still am, you know, even though I rock climb, repel and ride roller coasters. No never mind I had a job for two years where my job description included me climbing up rickety ladders along the sides of four story concrete cylanders and take pictures of the insides. With no safety belts. I still hate heights. I think that it shows progress on my part, overcoming my fears and all that.
I was too little to ride the roller coasters. I saved that for when I was a teenager. (The Ninja- or is it the Orient Express? They're the same damn coaster, made by the same company- point is, the one at Six Flags was my first coaster ever. And Batman is still my favorite ride of all time)
I remember being scared witless of a giant Yosemite Sam. That was the vacation I discovered those pirate ship rides cause me to hyperventilate and pass out. (I still do, yeah. I know) There was this kiddie area where you could play games to win stuffed toys and basketballs. At the time the Chicago Bulls were the big thing. I don't know who is now, to tell you the truth. Is it the Heat? Isn't that who that gangly white guy who got the ESPY plays for? Anyway. My brother won one and pissed off my aunts by bouncing it all over the park.
There's this ride, I've always called it the octopus, I don't know if that's what its called, but it looks like one, and it takes you up and down rather like a tilt-a-whirl on arms. I loved it. I remember we'd just ridden some water ride and the wind felt nice in my hair and my aunt I was riding with almost got sick because the ride guy let it go on forever for some reason. I still like that ride, in fact, if they have it at the fair this year, I'm totally going to ride it, even if I have to by myself. I loved it.
So there, you see, something about me you didn't know before. I wanted to tell you all about it, for no good reason at all. It was just simply something I wanted you to know. I hope you find some clarity in who I am, or something special about me in it. It may not be important to you, but it was someting important and significant to me.
Love,
AGxx
When I was seven I went on what I remember to be my very first vacation with anyone in my family. We went to St. Louis, Mo. No, its not very far away from home, but when you consider it was farther than I had ever been before, it was like I was in the car for a lifetime rather than two hours. (yeah, that was back before the speed limit was 70. It took ages to get anywhere. I still calculate my travel time by those speeds, for some reason. Maybe its all the road work I run into when I go there now.)
I remember we stayed at the Ramada right next to Six Flags St. Louis. I don't know if its still a Ramada, but if you drive by it now you'd know which one I am talking about. It looks like a big brown would-be lodge. You can walk a little pathway right up to the entrance at Six Flags. It had an indoor swimming pool, which I had never seen before. It seemed really fancy to me. It also had a restaurant inside. I liked that a lot too, because I could get food and take it to the pool. Trust me, even though I didn't become a proficient swimmer until I was in my teens, I still loved to splash around in the shallow end or take my flotation device or life jacket to the deep end and pretend I was a dolphin. Stop laughing. I still do sometimes. Although, really, I'd rather be a mermaid if we're pretending. Its a little more glamourous, isn't it?
I went with my mom and my brother, my cousin who was a little over a year younger than me, and my three aunts that still lived at home. If I did the math I could tell you how old they were. I know they were in my teens, though. My Grandma was the one who took us. We had several hotel rooms. I don't know if I told you, but growing up, my family didn't have a ton of money. It was a really big deal to me. This was seriously fancy. Our hotel room had a balcony. I liked to sit on it. I remember that. I also remember one night, when it had cooled off, we went out on the balcony and you could see that big ferris wheel, Collosus, lit up. There were different patterns in the spokes, and you could hear music coming from the park. My hair was really long then, a little longer than it is now, if I remember right. One of my aunts sat on the balcony with me and french braided my hair. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure there was a concert at the park, and she wasn't old enough to go.
I remember that weekend I got a couple quarters from my grandma and I went to one of those crane machines in the pool area. I won a stuffed mouse that had a pink skirt and an orange bow. It was hideous. I remember this because it is the only time in my life I've ever won something from one of those stupid machines. Believe me when I say I've tried. I kept that stupid mouse until I was 18. In a fit of anti-nostalgia, I threw it away. Don't do things like that now. Of all the things I've thrown out over the years, I wish I'd kept that mouse. I'm not sure why.
We also went to a St. Louis Cardinals game. I remember there was a heat advisory, it was hot like it is today. When the game started it was something like a hundred and four without the heat index. There was a player they had, you wouldn't remember him probably, Willie McGee. We went to watch him play. I know we didn't stay for the whole game, probably only three or four innings, honestly. It was hot enough we couldn't breathe. I do remember my grandma had a beer, and she gave me a handful of tootsie rolls, but they melted in my hand. I can still feel them in my mouth, I can still taste them.
We went to the St. Louis Zoo for the first time too. Maybe this is where my love of zoos comes from. I'll never know. But I do remember that it was huge to me. I remember the ape house, and how funny I thought they looked. I remember looking at the big cats and thinking of how I wanted one. At the time I had what my doctors termed as a "severe feline allergy" and I didn't get my first cat until a few years later. I suppose you've figured out, I outgrew that allergy. But at the time, I thought they were the coolest things in the world. i thought the zoo was a maze, and fun, and I didn't mind how hot it was. I got a cherry snowcone. I still like to get them when I go to the zoo. Tell you the truth, I still think the zoo is a maze. I've been to a ton of zoos, and I think that one is still the most confusing one I've ever been to.
This was, of course, a long time ago. It was before there was a penguin and puffin exhibit. The train was tiny and old. The aviary was still the coolest thing there, structurally. (Did you know it was built for the 1921 World's Fair?) If you wander through the zoo today, you'll see some of those abandoned buildings and exhibits. I remember when there were still animals in those. I remember, before there was all the concern from PETA and animals rights groups, how you could watch them feed the polar bears and how they would dance for fish. I remember how tiny some of the exhibits were. Even to me, when I was a child, they seemed small.
Do you know what my favorite exhibit is now? Its not the big cats, although you know how much I love them. I do, there's something in them that seems to be a part of me. But the one thing I love at that zoo, more than anything...the silverback gorillas. Never saw that coming, did you? I think they're a beautiful and strange animal. I remember, when I was eighteen, there was a new male baby released into their pod. I drove up specially to watch that day. You probably wouldn't know this, but when you release a new male into an existing pod, there's this ritual the rest of the gorillas go through. They mark their territory and they do what almost looks like a dance. I stood there in the sun and got burnt (it was worth it!) all day long. It was fascinating. I drove up by myself, I never really talked to anyone. I was there just to watch. I remember after they had finished I walked through the aviary. It felt so cool and relaxing after the sun.
Anyway, that's my first vacation. Or parts of it. I rode the ferris wheel even though I am terrified of heights. I still am, you know, even though I rock climb, repel and ride roller coasters. No never mind I had a job for two years where my job description included me climbing up rickety ladders along the sides of four story concrete cylanders and take pictures of the insides. With no safety belts. I still hate heights. I think that it shows progress on my part, overcoming my fears and all that.
I was too little to ride the roller coasters. I saved that for when I was a teenager. (The Ninja- or is it the Orient Express? They're the same damn coaster, made by the same company- point is, the one at Six Flags was my first coaster ever. And Batman is still my favorite ride of all time)
I remember being scared witless of a giant Yosemite Sam. That was the vacation I discovered those pirate ship rides cause me to hyperventilate and pass out. (I still do, yeah. I know) There was this kiddie area where you could play games to win stuffed toys and basketballs. At the time the Chicago Bulls were the big thing. I don't know who is now, to tell you the truth. Is it the Heat? Isn't that who that gangly white guy who got the ESPY plays for? Anyway. My brother won one and pissed off my aunts by bouncing it all over the park.
There's this ride, I've always called it the octopus, I don't know if that's what its called, but it looks like one, and it takes you up and down rather like a tilt-a-whirl on arms. I loved it. I remember we'd just ridden some water ride and the wind felt nice in my hair and my aunt I was riding with almost got sick because the ride guy let it go on forever for some reason. I still like that ride, in fact, if they have it at the fair this year, I'm totally going to ride it, even if I have to by myself. I loved it.
So there, you see, something about me you didn't know before. I wanted to tell you all about it, for no good reason at all. It was just simply something I wanted you to know. I hope you find some clarity in who I am, or something special about me in it. It may not be important to you, but it was someting important and significant to me.
Love,
AGxx
How These Days Grow Long
Its six a.m. and I am awake and doing laundry. Wow.
I'm not normally what you would call a morning person. I like to sleep late. Well, as late as I can. Normally a latemorning for me is about ten. But that's pretty late, considering I usually get up between four thirty and five. Now, granted, this is usually to drive Kitten to work and I almost always go back to bed for an hour or two...but today I am awake and washing a load of whites so we have clean socks. You can't imagine how much laundry a household of three women can generate. Especially given that we all change clothes at least twice a day. Its not vanity, we just don't like wearing our dirty work clothes once we're done working. If we get out into the garden then we have another round of messy clothes to get out of as well...Either way...
I'm still waiting on my mom to see if I get to go back to school. Its not a great feeling, really, this whole being dependent on your parents thing. I've not been used to it, really, and as a grown adult it feels...well, I don't like it. I hate asking for help and the idea that I truly need it is frustrating. I'm keeping my hopes up, however. She says she'll be able to help me out by this Thursday. If that's the case, then we'll see. I should be registered for school by next week. If it doesn't happen, I suppose I'm going to have to hang my hopes on next semester. I can be patient. I keep telling myself that. I've waited this long, it won't hurt me to wait a few more months.
I had a plesant suprise at work yesterday. Well, a few. The small suprise was that Rogue was still in a fabulous mood, and wanted to chat and teamwork with me all morning. I remember now why I enjoyed being around her all that time ago. I'm pleased to have her friendship, in whatever form she offers it. Even if it is only in the form of a very supportive and fun coworker. Truth be told, she's probably one of my favorite people to work with.
The bigger suprise was that one of the rollergirls came up to work yesterday to apply for a job. I had mentioned to her we were hiring, and I knew she was looking for something new and different than what she has now. I came around the corner at the front and she was sitting there, waiting for me, another roller girl in tow. It made me smile. I had a nice time talking to her while she filled out her application. I talked her up to my boss, because she really is a nice person, as far as I know her. She's fun loving, she seems to get along well with people. I think she'd be a great fit on our crew, so bonus for me. I'm hoping they'll call her for an interview sometime soon.
I also had a chance to sneak out back and have a cigarette with her. I was rather suprised. The friend she brought with her told me she thought I was sweet for helping her out. I really didn't think it was a huge deal. I suppose sometimes I take my job for granted. Of course I do, having been there for as long as I have. I also didn't think it was a huge deal to give her a leg up if I could- that's what you do for your friends, right? And I do hope that she and I get to be friends. I admire her quite a bit. I've mentioned her several times in my other posts, though not by name. She's a kick ass player, and off the track a very funny lady. If she applies herself at work the way she does with roller derby my bosses will be thanking me on bended knee, that's for sure. Anyway, a plesant intteruption to an otherwise boring morning.
I've still got a wandering foot right now. My mind is itching for a break, and unfortunately I'm not going to get one anytime soon. Normally we have the time and money to take a few days off from work in the summer to just get away. This summer that isn't the case. I can feel the stress in our household right now, and I sincerely wish we had a chance to get away, just the three of us, to have a nice time. I think we're doing our best to make every day off we have like a little getaway, but sometimes a change of scene can do worlds of good. I think we all need it. I know I do for sure.
I keep thinking of our trip to Portland last year, and getting to see Perpet, however briefly. It was really nice. The city was beautiful and we had a good time just getting lost in it. We spent a lot of time in the rose city being lost in the moment. It was a lot of fun. Of course, we also spent the other evening talking about how we'd like to take another trip to Disney World (laugh if you will!). Kitten and I had such a nice time on our honeymoon. There was so much to do. There we a lot of things we didn't get around to, and there are a lot of things we want to do again- especially now that Oscelot is with us. We'd have a really good time. We did determine that we would most definately need to take a longer trip this time, because eight days just isn't enough when you want to see and taste everything. Hell, we didn't even get to explore our hotel, really, and when you're staying in a recreated African lodge, complete with animals roaming ona savannah...well, we needed more time. That's all there was to it.
For now I am left with dreaming of what we could do, if we had the chance. I think about what we will do, when the time comes. When I'm feeling terribly distracted and tired I look through my old photo albums and travel books. It gives me a sense of peace. It also reminds me that this place, this town I live in, is not the one I want to be in all my life. Its not the one I want to have a career in, or stay in until I die. I need to be away from here. The sooner I leave, the happier I'll be.
I feel like I am emotionally disconnected this morning. There are a lot of things in my head and in my heart that I can't seem to bring myself to write about. I want to talk them out, to feel them through, and see what I truly think. This space is my journal, in the truest sense of the word, because many times when I write here I am sorting things out in my mind. Right now I've got things I've been thinking of nearly constantly, and I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like I need to get it out of my system. I'm an emotional ostrich right now. I want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend I'm not dealing, even if I am.
I do have one small comfort. However neurotic I am, I can find rest. As I tried to sleep last night thoughts of these problems, the ones I don't want to talk or think about, were chasing themselves through my head. Normally this would mean I would dream about them too, I often dream of whatever I am thinking of as I fall asleep. I was tossing, trying to let go, trying to find a comfortable place where I could take a few deep breaths and relax. I just wasn't getting there. Then my two sleeping ladies did what was best for me, even though they didn't know they were doing it. Oscelot curled up against me with a sigh, and Kitten rolled against me and took ahold of my hand. I instantly felt safe, and loved. I needed those things. I fell asleep.
When I woke this morning that was the one thing I could hold on to. It was my first thought. There's something special about being able to hold hands with the person you love as you go to sleep. There's something beautiful about the reassurance you feel knowing when you wake up you'll still be in their arms. Waking up then, and being right, being in the person you love's arms, is the best feeling in the world.
I suppose I don't have too much to complain about after all. I mean, how many people are lucky enough to have two life partners? How many can say they feel as safe and happy as I do when I wake up? I'm betting there aren't many.
I'm off. I'm going to change my laundry and catch a catnap before my day at work. I go in early today, and work until 5. Hours, blessed hours, even if it does wear me out. I can't mind it too much. I've got something to look forward to tonight.
Have a good day, friends. Hopefully I'll be back tonight with something more interesting to talk about.
AGxx
I'm not normally what you would call a morning person. I like to sleep late. Well, as late as I can. Normally a latemorning for me is about ten. But that's pretty late, considering I usually get up between four thirty and five. Now, granted, this is usually to drive Kitten to work and I almost always go back to bed for an hour or two...but today I am awake and washing a load of whites so we have clean socks. You can't imagine how much laundry a household of three women can generate. Especially given that we all change clothes at least twice a day. Its not vanity, we just don't like wearing our dirty work clothes once we're done working. If we get out into the garden then we have another round of messy clothes to get out of as well...Either way...
I'm still waiting on my mom to see if I get to go back to school. Its not a great feeling, really, this whole being dependent on your parents thing. I've not been used to it, really, and as a grown adult it feels...well, I don't like it. I hate asking for help and the idea that I truly need it is frustrating. I'm keeping my hopes up, however. She says she'll be able to help me out by this Thursday. If that's the case, then we'll see. I should be registered for school by next week. If it doesn't happen, I suppose I'm going to have to hang my hopes on next semester. I can be patient. I keep telling myself that. I've waited this long, it won't hurt me to wait a few more months.
I had a plesant suprise at work yesterday. Well, a few. The small suprise was that Rogue was still in a fabulous mood, and wanted to chat and teamwork with me all morning. I remember now why I enjoyed being around her all that time ago. I'm pleased to have her friendship, in whatever form she offers it. Even if it is only in the form of a very supportive and fun coworker. Truth be told, she's probably one of my favorite people to work with.
The bigger suprise was that one of the rollergirls came up to work yesterday to apply for a job. I had mentioned to her we were hiring, and I knew she was looking for something new and different than what she has now. I came around the corner at the front and she was sitting there, waiting for me, another roller girl in tow. It made me smile. I had a nice time talking to her while she filled out her application. I talked her up to my boss, because she really is a nice person, as far as I know her. She's fun loving, she seems to get along well with people. I think she'd be a great fit on our crew, so bonus for me. I'm hoping they'll call her for an interview sometime soon.
I also had a chance to sneak out back and have a cigarette with her. I was rather suprised. The friend she brought with her told me she thought I was sweet for helping her out. I really didn't think it was a huge deal. I suppose sometimes I take my job for granted. Of course I do, having been there for as long as I have. I also didn't think it was a huge deal to give her a leg up if I could- that's what you do for your friends, right? And I do hope that she and I get to be friends. I admire her quite a bit. I've mentioned her several times in my other posts, though not by name. She's a kick ass player, and off the track a very funny lady. If she applies herself at work the way she does with roller derby my bosses will be thanking me on bended knee, that's for sure. Anyway, a plesant intteruption to an otherwise boring morning.
I've still got a wandering foot right now. My mind is itching for a break, and unfortunately I'm not going to get one anytime soon. Normally we have the time and money to take a few days off from work in the summer to just get away. This summer that isn't the case. I can feel the stress in our household right now, and I sincerely wish we had a chance to get away, just the three of us, to have a nice time. I think we're doing our best to make every day off we have like a little getaway, but sometimes a change of scene can do worlds of good. I think we all need it. I know I do for sure.
I keep thinking of our trip to Portland last year, and getting to see Perpet, however briefly. It was really nice. The city was beautiful and we had a good time just getting lost in it. We spent a lot of time in the rose city being lost in the moment. It was a lot of fun. Of course, we also spent the other evening talking about how we'd like to take another trip to Disney World (laugh if you will!). Kitten and I had such a nice time on our honeymoon. There was so much to do. There we a lot of things we didn't get around to, and there are a lot of things we want to do again- especially now that Oscelot is with us. We'd have a really good time. We did determine that we would most definately need to take a longer trip this time, because eight days just isn't enough when you want to see and taste everything. Hell, we didn't even get to explore our hotel, really, and when you're staying in a recreated African lodge, complete with animals roaming ona savannah...well, we needed more time. That's all there was to it.
For now I am left with dreaming of what we could do, if we had the chance. I think about what we will do, when the time comes. When I'm feeling terribly distracted and tired I look through my old photo albums and travel books. It gives me a sense of peace. It also reminds me that this place, this town I live in, is not the one I want to be in all my life. Its not the one I want to have a career in, or stay in until I die. I need to be away from here. The sooner I leave, the happier I'll be.
I feel like I am emotionally disconnected this morning. There are a lot of things in my head and in my heart that I can't seem to bring myself to write about. I want to talk them out, to feel them through, and see what I truly think. This space is my journal, in the truest sense of the word, because many times when I write here I am sorting things out in my mind. Right now I've got things I've been thinking of nearly constantly, and I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like I need to get it out of my system. I'm an emotional ostrich right now. I want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend I'm not dealing, even if I am.
I do have one small comfort. However neurotic I am, I can find rest. As I tried to sleep last night thoughts of these problems, the ones I don't want to talk or think about, were chasing themselves through my head. Normally this would mean I would dream about them too, I often dream of whatever I am thinking of as I fall asleep. I was tossing, trying to let go, trying to find a comfortable place where I could take a few deep breaths and relax. I just wasn't getting there. Then my two sleeping ladies did what was best for me, even though they didn't know they were doing it. Oscelot curled up against me with a sigh, and Kitten rolled against me and took ahold of my hand. I instantly felt safe, and loved. I needed those things. I fell asleep.
When I woke this morning that was the one thing I could hold on to. It was my first thought. There's something special about being able to hold hands with the person you love as you go to sleep. There's something beautiful about the reassurance you feel knowing when you wake up you'll still be in their arms. Waking up then, and being right, being in the person you love's arms, is the best feeling in the world.
I suppose I don't have too much to complain about after all. I mean, how many people are lucky enough to have two life partners? How many can say they feel as safe and happy as I do when I wake up? I'm betting there aren't many.
I'm off. I'm going to change my laundry and catch a catnap before my day at work. I go in early today, and work until 5. Hours, blessed hours, even if it does wear me out. I can't mind it too much. I've got something to look forward to tonight.
Have a good day, friends. Hopefully I'll be back tonight with something more interesting to talk about.
AGxx
Monday, July 25, 2011
This one goes out to the one I left behind
Well hello. As you can see from last night's post, I'm back. I was on a break, thinking that if I spent less time blogging I would write more on my novel. It turns out that I didn't write more on my novel, I just wrote less altogether and I was stressed out. I'm done with writing breaks.
The last couple of weeks have brought some interesting things. I spent this last weekend supervising at work. It was good, even though I had a few moments where I thought I was going to scream. Our fax machine gave me hell on Saturday, right at a time when I didn't need it to. I put in our soda order for the first time. I had to call a vendor and change out a beer keg that was delivered because it was the wrong kind. We had equipment break that I had to get fixed. There were a few times where I was asked a question I actually didn't know the answer to. That was a new experience. I discovered that after four years there, I am finally in a position at Casa Bueno that challenges me. Which is good. Especially since Oscelot is moving on. She got a new job last week. I'm happy for her. Unfortunately, this means my number one work companion is going away. I'll certainly miss her, although I would hedge my bets this will contribute to me appreciating her more when I am not at work.
I'm discovering new things about myself. I learned that those lovely deep breathing exercises have been helping me. That meditating does worlds of good for my stress levels and that illness (especially my headaches) seem to work in direct proportion to the amount of stress I'm under. I had been gaining control over my headaches. Unfortunately I had two last week. The first one was caused by stress. No ifs ands or buts. I gave in to pressure instead of handling it, and as a consequence, I got a migraine. End of story. I had one yesterday as well. That one was caused by two specific things. I drank beer on Saturday night -a surefire way to make me sick if I haven't eaten enough- and I was coping with a few emotional shocks. I was really, really sick yesterday. It wasn't much fun.
On the upside, I did get off so I could go to the roller derby double header I was telling you about. Our Battle Broads played first, and put up a valiant effort. They didn't win, but I enjoyed the game immensely anyway. If you check my blogroll, you can see New Pound Glory- one of our girls- played this game. I think it was her first home bout. She did a great job. Also, I am adding another lovely one of our girls, Battle Broads team captain, Mary Lou Wretched, to my blogroll. She's a fantastic writer. (I'm not kidding) She's sweet as can be. Also a kick ass roller girl. Watching her play is great for me, because she seems utterly fearless. One of our All Stars came and sat with me and the ladies for a while. Outside of her being a sweet and immensly entertaining lady, she could sometimes explain to me the finer points of what is going on. Since sometimes I don't understand the intracasies of the penaties, I appreciated it. Oscelot's derby wife played a great game. Sakura was with us again and we brought a new friend we met last week. It was his first bout ever and he loved it. I was happy.
The second game was our All Stars. They kicked some serious ass. I always love watching them play. There were some heated moments with the referees this bout, and it showed. All said and done though, it was great to watch. I got to see one of our very best blockers, also our team captain, Miss Chetty Boop, play in the jammer position. I didn't know she could. Turns out she's really good at it. It bent my mind a little. Oscelot was teasing me, she thought I'd seen it before. I had to pull my jaw off the floor. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that lady can't do!(I might also mention, we were talking after the bout and I discovered I went to high school with her. She was a couple years behind me, but we definately went together. Weird, small world, right?) The bout was epic. We won big time. It was good to watch. I learned a lot this time, I think in part because of all the referee disputes. It was definately an interesting time.
After the bout we went to the after party bar and talked with the girls for about 45 minutes. I got to check up with some that I don't get to see very often. I might have done shots with one of them (oops!) I also downed the beer that was my downfall yesterday. ONE BEER! I'm getting old. Afterwards we went to our favorite local gay dance club to party the night away. We hadn't been dancing in ages.
Pause for an interlude that actually has something to do with this story, I swear. Yesterday at work Rogue seemed to be having a bad morning. I asked her what was wrong and received the perfunctory "I don't want to talk about it" that I normally get since we aren't as close as we used to be. Imagine my suprise when a few moments later she comes up to me and gives me a very brief explanation as to why she was having a bad day. It involved her personal life. My jaw hit the floor. She never tells me stuff like that anymore.
Later in the day when her mood seems not to improve by much, however chatty she seems with me, I tell her quietly that after the bout we were planning on going to said Gay Bar and I know she likes to dance, would she like to come? She told me she's think about it. I took that as the most polite no she's given me since we stopped being Bffffff's. Later she came up to me and demanded to know when I'd eaten last. It had been a while. She asked if I wanted to split lunch with her. I agreed. She ordered it and I got distracted dealing with work issues. She actually waited for me to eat, which was really sweet. Especially since cold mexican food is gross. Either way, I finally came out and sat down at the booth we all eat lunch at, and she parked it across from me. Then she proceeds to tell me all about her personal drama. I was goggling. This never happens. Honestly, it didn't happen much before.
As I was headed out the door that night to go to the bout (Sakura picked me up and I changed at his place) she stopped me. "I guess I'll see you tonight then." Three shocks from her in one day was almost too much.
Transition to where I tell you that after we leave the after party we most definately ran into Rogue. I got an introduction to her lady. I also got to meet her friends. She introduced me as an old friend, which kicked my ass. I've known her long enough to know that when she introduces you, if she qualifies what you are to her, then that's what you are to her. She plays her cards closer to her chest than anyone I know. Anyway, dancing with them, and with my ladies, was awesome. They played some songs from when Kitten and I first met, aeons ago, and it made me feel 18 again. I hardly ever feel that way.
I danced hard enough that I knew I was going to be sick by the time I got home. Oops on the no food. I forget sometimes. Its not on purpose. I just get distracted.
In other news, the next big holiday is coming up. I'm helping with the ritual. I'm excited. I also got some new books in the mail. I want to read all of them at once. Its killing me. There was one, however, I feel like I ought to read first. It had a handwritten note in the front. It said "To (my name), I hope this book opens paths for you as it has for me. Your path is already wide open. Love Laurie."I thought that was cool since the book was ordered by Kitten for me. There was no way of knowing my name. Its previous owner was a Wiccan by my name...I don't believe in coincidence. I also met a lovely Wiccan lady at work the other night. It was refreshing to talk to her. It made me very happy. She gave me her number and I plan on getting in touch with her very soon. Talking to her gave me a profound sense of peace.
We gave away one of our kittens last night. One of the strays. It was wonderful, because I knew the girl who took her and this kitten had never looked so happy, beautiful or peaceful before. Honestly, I thought she was the mankiest, least adoptable one we had. But my coworker saw something beautiful in her, and it was like she was transformed. I was amazed. It was nice to find a good home for one of my kids.
I went through a series of emotional shocks over the last couple of weeks, as well. I don't know that I am ready to talk about it yet. I don't know if I will be any time soon. What I will say is this- if I seem melancholy try to be patient with me...if I seem wistful, remember what its like to feel keep disappointment. If I seem angry, well...that's just me all over isn't it? I'm doing my best to cntrol it. So far I have. Lets hope I manage to in the near future as well. I came close to spitting fire a few times recently. I don't want to mess up all the karma I've been working to build.
I recognize that some of the things I go through I bring on myself. I recognize that karma will pay me back when I've done wrong. I'm receiving some of that payback now, in a form I never expected. I should have, but I didn't. So I deal with the shock and I try my best to move on.
The biggest comfort I have are my sweethearts and my friends. I realize now more than ever how special the two women in my life are. I don't deserve them, but I'm thankful I have them. I've never seen two people more patient with my idiocy and emotional volitility. If it were part of our cannon I'd swear they were working towards sainthood. I know I am a test to them sometimes. I only hope I am a reward as well. I also have two very wonderful friends who seem to always have the right words for me. They're the ones who feel with me, who understand me best, and I hope I always tell them how great that is. I love it when one of them gets all fired up on my behalf, even when they know I am partially in the wrong in a situation, just because they can't stand the thought of me hurting. It takes a special friend to do that. Especially knowing later they're going to both empathize and kick you in the ass for what you've done. Its special.
I actually dont have the time to keep talking at present. I'm going to be late to work because I've spent all morning spilling my guts to you. But you're worth it. And you're here for me, like you always are. I appreciate it more than I can tell you.
There's something I wanted to tell you-
No matter how you feel about anything, whatever situation you're in, show yourself the respect you deserve, and sometimes a little more. We sell ourselves short too often. Don't do that. You're pretty special.
I love you.
AGxx
Also, I've given up not using song lyrics in my titles. Its a habit of almost 7 years. I am tired of trying to break it. I have worse ones. Also, this one is courtesy of Swisslet. I read his earworms last night, and I'll be damned if I didn't wake up with one in my head. Thanks, pal. :)
The last couple of weeks have brought some interesting things. I spent this last weekend supervising at work. It was good, even though I had a few moments where I thought I was going to scream. Our fax machine gave me hell on Saturday, right at a time when I didn't need it to. I put in our soda order for the first time. I had to call a vendor and change out a beer keg that was delivered because it was the wrong kind. We had equipment break that I had to get fixed. There were a few times where I was asked a question I actually didn't know the answer to. That was a new experience. I discovered that after four years there, I am finally in a position at Casa Bueno that challenges me. Which is good. Especially since Oscelot is moving on. She got a new job last week. I'm happy for her. Unfortunately, this means my number one work companion is going away. I'll certainly miss her, although I would hedge my bets this will contribute to me appreciating her more when I am not at work.
I'm discovering new things about myself. I learned that those lovely deep breathing exercises have been helping me. That meditating does worlds of good for my stress levels and that illness (especially my headaches) seem to work in direct proportion to the amount of stress I'm under. I had been gaining control over my headaches. Unfortunately I had two last week. The first one was caused by stress. No ifs ands or buts. I gave in to pressure instead of handling it, and as a consequence, I got a migraine. End of story. I had one yesterday as well. That one was caused by two specific things. I drank beer on Saturday night -a surefire way to make me sick if I haven't eaten enough- and I was coping with a few emotional shocks. I was really, really sick yesterday. It wasn't much fun.
On the upside, I did get off so I could go to the roller derby double header I was telling you about. Our Battle Broads played first, and put up a valiant effort. They didn't win, but I enjoyed the game immensely anyway. If you check my blogroll, you can see New Pound Glory- one of our girls- played this game. I think it was her first home bout. She did a great job. Also, I am adding another lovely one of our girls, Battle Broads team captain, Mary Lou Wretched, to my blogroll. She's a fantastic writer. (I'm not kidding) She's sweet as can be. Also a kick ass roller girl. Watching her play is great for me, because she seems utterly fearless. One of our All Stars came and sat with me and the ladies for a while. Outside of her being a sweet and immensly entertaining lady, she could sometimes explain to me the finer points of what is going on. Since sometimes I don't understand the intracasies of the penaties, I appreciated it. Oscelot's derby wife played a great game. Sakura was with us again and we brought a new friend we met last week. It was his first bout ever and he loved it. I was happy.
The second game was our All Stars. They kicked some serious ass. I always love watching them play. There were some heated moments with the referees this bout, and it showed. All said and done though, it was great to watch. I got to see one of our very best blockers, also our team captain, Miss Chetty Boop, play in the jammer position. I didn't know she could. Turns out she's really good at it. It bent my mind a little. Oscelot was teasing me, she thought I'd seen it before. I had to pull my jaw off the floor. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that lady can't do!(I might also mention, we were talking after the bout and I discovered I went to high school with her. She was a couple years behind me, but we definately went together. Weird, small world, right?) The bout was epic. We won big time. It was good to watch. I learned a lot this time, I think in part because of all the referee disputes. It was definately an interesting time.
After the bout we went to the after party bar and talked with the girls for about 45 minutes. I got to check up with some that I don't get to see very often. I might have done shots with one of them (oops!) I also downed the beer that was my downfall yesterday. ONE BEER! I'm getting old. Afterwards we went to our favorite local gay dance club to party the night away. We hadn't been dancing in ages.
Pause for an interlude that actually has something to do with this story, I swear. Yesterday at work Rogue seemed to be having a bad morning. I asked her what was wrong and received the perfunctory "I don't want to talk about it" that I normally get since we aren't as close as we used to be. Imagine my suprise when a few moments later she comes up to me and gives me a very brief explanation as to why she was having a bad day. It involved her personal life. My jaw hit the floor. She never tells me stuff like that anymore.
Later in the day when her mood seems not to improve by much, however chatty she seems with me, I tell her quietly that after the bout we were planning on going to said Gay Bar and I know she likes to dance, would she like to come? She told me she's think about it. I took that as the most polite no she's given me since we stopped being Bffffff's. Later she came up to me and demanded to know when I'd eaten last. It had been a while. She asked if I wanted to split lunch with her. I agreed. She ordered it and I got distracted dealing with work issues. She actually waited for me to eat, which was really sweet. Especially since cold mexican food is gross. Either way, I finally came out and sat down at the booth we all eat lunch at, and she parked it across from me. Then she proceeds to tell me all about her personal drama. I was goggling. This never happens. Honestly, it didn't happen much before.
As I was headed out the door that night to go to the bout (Sakura picked me up and I changed at his place) she stopped me. "I guess I'll see you tonight then." Three shocks from her in one day was almost too much.
Transition to where I tell you that after we leave the after party we most definately ran into Rogue. I got an introduction to her lady. I also got to meet her friends. She introduced me as an old friend, which kicked my ass. I've known her long enough to know that when she introduces you, if she qualifies what you are to her, then that's what you are to her. She plays her cards closer to her chest than anyone I know. Anyway, dancing with them, and with my ladies, was awesome. They played some songs from when Kitten and I first met, aeons ago, and it made me feel 18 again. I hardly ever feel that way.
I danced hard enough that I knew I was going to be sick by the time I got home. Oops on the no food. I forget sometimes. Its not on purpose. I just get distracted.
In other news, the next big holiday is coming up. I'm helping with the ritual. I'm excited. I also got some new books in the mail. I want to read all of them at once. Its killing me. There was one, however, I feel like I ought to read first. It had a handwritten note in the front. It said "To (my name), I hope this book opens paths for you as it has for me. Your path is already wide open. Love Laurie."I thought that was cool since the book was ordered by Kitten for me. There was no way of knowing my name. Its previous owner was a Wiccan by my name...I don't believe in coincidence. I also met a lovely Wiccan lady at work the other night. It was refreshing to talk to her. It made me very happy. She gave me her number and I plan on getting in touch with her very soon. Talking to her gave me a profound sense of peace.
We gave away one of our kittens last night. One of the strays. It was wonderful, because I knew the girl who took her and this kitten had never looked so happy, beautiful or peaceful before. Honestly, I thought she was the mankiest, least adoptable one we had. But my coworker saw something beautiful in her, and it was like she was transformed. I was amazed. It was nice to find a good home for one of my kids.
I went through a series of emotional shocks over the last couple of weeks, as well. I don't know that I am ready to talk about it yet. I don't know if I will be any time soon. What I will say is this- if I seem melancholy try to be patient with me...if I seem wistful, remember what its like to feel keep disappointment. If I seem angry, well...that's just me all over isn't it? I'm doing my best to cntrol it. So far I have. Lets hope I manage to in the near future as well. I came close to spitting fire a few times recently. I don't want to mess up all the karma I've been working to build.
I recognize that some of the things I go through I bring on myself. I recognize that karma will pay me back when I've done wrong. I'm receiving some of that payback now, in a form I never expected. I should have, but I didn't. So I deal with the shock and I try my best to move on.
The biggest comfort I have are my sweethearts and my friends. I realize now more than ever how special the two women in my life are. I don't deserve them, but I'm thankful I have them. I've never seen two people more patient with my idiocy and emotional volitility. If it were part of our cannon I'd swear they were working towards sainthood. I know I am a test to them sometimes. I only hope I am a reward as well. I also have two very wonderful friends who seem to always have the right words for me. They're the ones who feel with me, who understand me best, and I hope I always tell them how great that is. I love it when one of them gets all fired up on my behalf, even when they know I am partially in the wrong in a situation, just because they can't stand the thought of me hurting. It takes a special friend to do that. Especially knowing later they're going to both empathize and kick you in the ass for what you've done. Its special.
I actually dont have the time to keep talking at present. I'm going to be late to work because I've spent all morning spilling my guts to you. But you're worth it. And you're here for me, like you always are. I appreciate it more than I can tell you.
There's something I wanted to tell you-
No matter how you feel about anything, whatever situation you're in, show yourself the respect you deserve, and sometimes a little more. We sell ourselves short too often. Don't do that. You're pretty special.
I love you.
AGxx
Also, I've given up not using song lyrics in my titles. Its a habit of almost 7 years. I am tired of trying to break it. I have worse ones. Also, this one is courtesy of Swisslet. I read his earworms last night, and I'll be damned if I didn't wake up with one in my head. Thanks, pal. :)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Flight of Love
Once, a beautiful girl called Mia walked with the earth. She lived alone in the deep of the forest, communing with the animals and the plants. As she grew into her womanhood, she was happy, fulfilled as she created her own world of peace and joy. Her hair grew wild and long, shimmering in the light like the webs of the spiders kissed with dew in the morning. Her eyes became as blue as the skies after the spring rains. Her skin, soft as a lambs ear, grew rich and brown under the loving gaze of the sun.
Despite the peace she felt in the quiet of her home, she was lonely. One morning, as she was sitting beneath the trees, listening to the sound of the wind laughing, she felt this melancholy more deeply than she ever had before. She looked to the skies and whispered a fervent hope for a companion. The earth listened to her plea, and sent to her a beautiful bird. Its green and gold plumage rivaled the dizzying beauty of the wildflowers in the field. Its tail was long and elegant, its song sweeter than any Mia had ever heard from a bird before.
The wind skittered and laughed as the bird lit upon her outstretched hand. She stroked its head gently, singing a joyful song with it, her eyes alight with laughter, her heart full at last. She called the bird Siko, and made it her companion.
During the happy days of spring and summer Siko flew with her always, singing and chattering. She worked with the earth, her heart full and happy, singing with her companion of their happiness and devotion. Beneath her hands, so full of joy and thankfulness, the earth responded to her as never before. The rains fell warm and gentle on her garden. It bloomed in the quiet wilderness with brillance. The flowers danced and the trees sang their songs with her. When she rose in the morning the wind greeted her happily, sending its cooling kiss into her home and along the meadows to reassure her of the safety and goodness of the world.
Her companion grew as well, more large and brilliant with every passing day. The songs Siko sang reminded her of a dance. Their laughter and play filled the evening hours. In the light of the evening fire, Mia would bury her face close to the bird and whisper her secrets and hopes. She kissed its beak and stroked its plumage with all the gentleness of a mother or a lover. Her heart would break and remend each night as the bird flew from her hands into the dark of the evening, only to return with a gift of wildflowers or sweet smelling herb for her.
When the days grew longer and darker, Mia sensed the restlessness of her friend. She sent Siko out to fly and to breathe in the cold winter air. Standing at her window she would hum a special song, and when she heard it echo from the treetops at night, she knew her friend was close, and she was not forgotten. So long as she could call to Siko, she felt safe, loved and needed. The bird visited frequently, feathers still warm with flight. Alighting on her windowsill, it would call for her, and she would answer joyfully, singing back her joy as she threw open the shutters.
When spring came again Mia danced into her garden, calling and singing for her companion with all her heart.
But Siko did not come.
She reassured herself, whispering that all creatures great and small needed freedom and light as they grew. She knew she would see her friend soon enough. So she worked happily in the earth, making her home more beautiful with the passing spring days. From time to time she would hear a faint call, no more than an echo, and she could swear it was her beloved companion on the way home to her. She continued to hope.
Just as the spring turned to summer Mia woke one morning to the song she knew and loved best. She dashed outside, her feet bare, her hair streaming behind her, into the gardens where she had loved to walk. Her heart was full of hope, her eyes streaming with joy as her dear Siko called for her with longing and love.
Alas, as she ran swiftly throughthe trees, laden with fruit and flowers, she saw what had made her companion sing so joyfully. A woman- regal, full of grace and power, stood among the branches holding on her arm Mia's beloved bird. Her breath drew short and hard as she looked at the pair of them. The woman's hair, jet and shimmering like a rook, fell heavily over her body. Siko was nestled in it, cooing to her as a lover would. The sun threw down her golden light upon them, and they glowed with the painful clarity of love.
Heartbroken, Mia turned away. Swiftly, her feet led her to the quiet place of the forest, a great stream filled with glimmering stones. She walked to the edge, putting her feet in, sitting down and feeling the water on her legs. She tumbled back, her hair in the tall grass, her hands clutching at the wildflowers she loved best. As she ran her fingers through its emerald tendrils and looked above her to the golden glimmer of the flowers, she began to cry. They reminded her so very much of Siko.
Her tears fell steadily, hopelessly, longingly onto the ground. As the fell to the grass, and to the stream where she lay brokenhearted, the earth heard her cry. It turned slowly, pityingly, for her, and as she wept she felt herself change. The world grew taller, larger, more intimidating than ever it had seemed before. Her arms stretched out, her hair flew back, and suddenly, she knew what it was to fly.
Above the earth her wings outstretched, her body small and hollow and swift, she flew far from the place where she knew she could not stay. If she were to hear Siko's song, what was left of her would surely crumble to dust. But she listened to the wind as it whistled through the trees, bolstering her, guiding her.
After the moon had passed her many nights, telling her to hope, she finally landed among the branches of a sweet smelling tree where white flowers bloomed and glimmered like the evening itself. Below it, she heard the soft, gentle whisper of a girl. She heard the gentle plea fall from her lips, the plea for love and devotion, one she had whispered not so long ago. Her heart swelled, and from her burst a song of devotion like she had never sung before- one infinately more sweet, more gentle, more tender than she knew she could coax from herself. She fluttered softly into the outstretched arms of the girl and saw the hope and loneliness she knew for her own.
So this girl took her, called her Gia, and whispered her thanks to heaven for answering her half-hopful prayer.
They sang together as the night drew quietly around them. Silver clouds danced in the sky and the wind murmured its satisfaction. Gia took flight, only briefly, to snatch one of the moonshot flowers from the tree. Returning to the girl, she laid it in her lap and sat upon her knee.
In that moment they both knew hope. The girl took her up gently, and they went into her home, seeking love and devotion together.
Despite the peace she felt in the quiet of her home, she was lonely. One morning, as she was sitting beneath the trees, listening to the sound of the wind laughing, she felt this melancholy more deeply than she ever had before. She looked to the skies and whispered a fervent hope for a companion. The earth listened to her plea, and sent to her a beautiful bird. Its green and gold plumage rivaled the dizzying beauty of the wildflowers in the field. Its tail was long and elegant, its song sweeter than any Mia had ever heard from a bird before.
The wind skittered and laughed as the bird lit upon her outstretched hand. She stroked its head gently, singing a joyful song with it, her eyes alight with laughter, her heart full at last. She called the bird Siko, and made it her companion.
During the happy days of spring and summer Siko flew with her always, singing and chattering. She worked with the earth, her heart full and happy, singing with her companion of their happiness and devotion. Beneath her hands, so full of joy and thankfulness, the earth responded to her as never before. The rains fell warm and gentle on her garden. It bloomed in the quiet wilderness with brillance. The flowers danced and the trees sang their songs with her. When she rose in the morning the wind greeted her happily, sending its cooling kiss into her home and along the meadows to reassure her of the safety and goodness of the world.
Her companion grew as well, more large and brilliant with every passing day. The songs Siko sang reminded her of a dance. Their laughter and play filled the evening hours. In the light of the evening fire, Mia would bury her face close to the bird and whisper her secrets and hopes. She kissed its beak and stroked its plumage with all the gentleness of a mother or a lover. Her heart would break and remend each night as the bird flew from her hands into the dark of the evening, only to return with a gift of wildflowers or sweet smelling herb for her.
When the days grew longer and darker, Mia sensed the restlessness of her friend. She sent Siko out to fly and to breathe in the cold winter air. Standing at her window she would hum a special song, and when she heard it echo from the treetops at night, she knew her friend was close, and she was not forgotten. So long as she could call to Siko, she felt safe, loved and needed. The bird visited frequently, feathers still warm with flight. Alighting on her windowsill, it would call for her, and she would answer joyfully, singing back her joy as she threw open the shutters.
When spring came again Mia danced into her garden, calling and singing for her companion with all her heart.
But Siko did not come.
She reassured herself, whispering that all creatures great and small needed freedom and light as they grew. She knew she would see her friend soon enough. So she worked happily in the earth, making her home more beautiful with the passing spring days. From time to time she would hear a faint call, no more than an echo, and she could swear it was her beloved companion on the way home to her. She continued to hope.
Just as the spring turned to summer Mia woke one morning to the song she knew and loved best. She dashed outside, her feet bare, her hair streaming behind her, into the gardens where she had loved to walk. Her heart was full of hope, her eyes streaming with joy as her dear Siko called for her with longing and love.
Alas, as she ran swiftly throughthe trees, laden with fruit and flowers, she saw what had made her companion sing so joyfully. A woman- regal, full of grace and power, stood among the branches holding on her arm Mia's beloved bird. Her breath drew short and hard as she looked at the pair of them. The woman's hair, jet and shimmering like a rook, fell heavily over her body. Siko was nestled in it, cooing to her as a lover would. The sun threw down her golden light upon them, and they glowed with the painful clarity of love.
Heartbroken, Mia turned away. Swiftly, her feet led her to the quiet place of the forest, a great stream filled with glimmering stones. She walked to the edge, putting her feet in, sitting down and feeling the water on her legs. She tumbled back, her hair in the tall grass, her hands clutching at the wildflowers she loved best. As she ran her fingers through its emerald tendrils and looked above her to the golden glimmer of the flowers, she began to cry. They reminded her so very much of Siko.
Her tears fell steadily, hopelessly, longingly onto the ground. As the fell to the grass, and to the stream where she lay brokenhearted, the earth heard her cry. It turned slowly, pityingly, for her, and as she wept she felt herself change. The world grew taller, larger, more intimidating than ever it had seemed before. Her arms stretched out, her hair flew back, and suddenly, she knew what it was to fly.
Above the earth her wings outstretched, her body small and hollow and swift, she flew far from the place where she knew she could not stay. If she were to hear Siko's song, what was left of her would surely crumble to dust. But she listened to the wind as it whistled through the trees, bolstering her, guiding her.
After the moon had passed her many nights, telling her to hope, she finally landed among the branches of a sweet smelling tree where white flowers bloomed and glimmered like the evening itself. Below it, she heard the soft, gentle whisper of a girl. She heard the gentle plea fall from her lips, the plea for love and devotion, one she had whispered not so long ago. Her heart swelled, and from her burst a song of devotion like she had never sung before- one infinately more sweet, more gentle, more tender than she knew she could coax from herself. She fluttered softly into the outstretched arms of the girl and saw the hope and loneliness she knew for her own.
So this girl took her, called her Gia, and whispered her thanks to heaven for answering her half-hopful prayer.
They sang together as the night drew quietly around them. Silver clouds danced in the sky and the wind murmured its satisfaction. Gia took flight, only briefly, to snatch one of the moonshot flowers from the tree. Returning to the girl, she laid it in her lap and sat upon her knee.
In that moment they both knew hope. The girl took her up gently, and they went into her home, seeking love and devotion together.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Commas, Flowers and Bliss
I went to Lowes yesterday and we bought a lot more plants. I am so happy right now. In case the laundry list interests you, I got wisteria and trumpet vines for my arbour. Some ornamental grass and three more rosebushes, including one that smells delicious. I also got some more hedges to finish off trimming the yard. I'm so excited. I'll probably bore you with pictures the minute I get a second to take them.
The Lord and Lady must be listening to me, because I made good money at work today, even though we were really slow. Also, it looks like I might actually get off the night I asked for, even though it didn't look like it was in the cards. I also had a coworker ask when I supervised next, because she likes it when I supervise. It made my evening much more plesant, I felt like I was doing something right. The more I try to focus myself on improving my attitude and karma at work, the better things seem to be going. I don't know if this is my mindset, and that's making things better, or if I'm being rewarded for trying harder. Maybe its both.
I do have to rant for a moment. I don't know if I've got any grammer nerds following me, but the Oxford Styleguide's newest edition just got published, and would you believe they want to get rid of the Oxford comma? (The serial comma, for those of you who aren't familiar with the geek term) How am I supposed to make cohesive lists? This is silly. Not to mention it says you can use the Oxford comma if it clarifies the sentence. Well, can I use it, or not? I hate that there is no clearly drawn line, and I like it even less that its not supposed to be used at all. They cite the fact that many American and Australian journalists and publishers have already moved away from the serial comma in print. I agree. And it looks sloppy. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.
Also, had an interesting conversation with one of my old blogger buddies this evening. She was chatting with me on FB, and we were talking about how our blogring feels like family. I completely agree. I think its awesome and beautiful that I have so many friends from all over the world, simply because we began reading each other's blogs. I love to watch their lives change for the better. I love that they've seen me grow into a mature, happy woman.
I think its nice to know there are people out there who are friends with me not because we were in close proximity to eachother, but because we came across eachother and cared enough to keep in touch. If you're here, its because you want to be. You want to know about my life and opinions. I'm special to you, I'm interesting to you. That's awesome. You make the effort to know me better, and when I follow you I am doing it because I care about the things that happen to you. The distance isn't an issue. I've always thought it would be fun, just once, to have a blogger friend meet up, to talk to the people I've known for so long but never had the chance to see. Of all the people I've met over the years, only one of them have I had the chance to meet in person. We saw eachother for about four hours while I was laid over on a flight home. It was a good time. I'd like to see all of my friends eventually.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am. My life has been getting better and better. I know I whine here, but its my space, and that's part of what its for. But the things I want now, they're different than before. I don't worry about food, or whether or not I can keep my car because I'll have no way to get to work. I don't have to worry about my drinking problem, or how the person I'm in a relationship with doesn't love me. I worry about getting a second car, or how long it will take me to finish school and start my career. I worry about whether or not I'm ever going to sit down and finish my second book. I worry about whether or not I'm going to get a vacation this summer, or this fall. Those are nice things to worry about, when I put it in perspective from when I started blogging all those years ago.
I have a beautiful home. I have two wonderful, supportive partners who take good care of me. Thank god, (and you know I'm grateful my dear) I'm never going to have to call Perpet ever again because I'm sick and I need someone to take care of me and she's the only one I have. I'm never going to wake up in the morning and worry that my partners don't love me, because they tell me, and they show me, every day.
Now, more than ever, I have a fantastic group of friends who care about me. We share interests. I can count on them when I'm feeling low. They're there to give me good, sound advice and grow as a person. They balance my life, they give me perspective. They understand me. And they are fun as hell to be around, to boot. Never before in my life have I had so many friends. I've never been in a place where I knew more people who love me than who don't. I've never known myself to be able to pick up my phone and know the person on the other line wants to be close to me, trusts me, and deserves my trust too.
I'm a very lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I'm terribly ungrateful for all the beautiful things I have. I'm glad I have enough perspective now to see that things in my life are pretty amazing.
I hope tonight you find something in your life worth being thankful for.
AGxx
The Lord and Lady must be listening to me, because I made good money at work today, even though we were really slow. Also, it looks like I might actually get off the night I asked for, even though it didn't look like it was in the cards. I also had a coworker ask when I supervised next, because she likes it when I supervise. It made my evening much more plesant, I felt like I was doing something right. The more I try to focus myself on improving my attitude and karma at work, the better things seem to be going. I don't know if this is my mindset, and that's making things better, or if I'm being rewarded for trying harder. Maybe its both.
I do have to rant for a moment. I don't know if I've got any grammer nerds following me, but the Oxford Styleguide's newest edition just got published, and would you believe they want to get rid of the Oxford comma? (The serial comma, for those of you who aren't familiar with the geek term) How am I supposed to make cohesive lists? This is silly. Not to mention it says you can use the Oxford comma if it clarifies the sentence. Well, can I use it, or not? I hate that there is no clearly drawn line, and I like it even less that its not supposed to be used at all. They cite the fact that many American and Australian journalists and publishers have already moved away from the serial comma in print. I agree. And it looks sloppy. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.
Also, had an interesting conversation with one of my old blogger buddies this evening. She was chatting with me on FB, and we were talking about how our blogring feels like family. I completely agree. I think its awesome and beautiful that I have so many friends from all over the world, simply because we began reading each other's blogs. I love to watch their lives change for the better. I love that they've seen me grow into a mature, happy woman.
I think its nice to know there are people out there who are friends with me not because we were in close proximity to eachother, but because we came across eachother and cared enough to keep in touch. If you're here, its because you want to be. You want to know about my life and opinions. I'm special to you, I'm interesting to you. That's awesome. You make the effort to know me better, and when I follow you I am doing it because I care about the things that happen to you. The distance isn't an issue. I've always thought it would be fun, just once, to have a blogger friend meet up, to talk to the people I've known for so long but never had the chance to see. Of all the people I've met over the years, only one of them have I had the chance to meet in person. We saw eachother for about four hours while I was laid over on a flight home. It was a good time. I'd like to see all of my friends eventually.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am. My life has been getting better and better. I know I whine here, but its my space, and that's part of what its for. But the things I want now, they're different than before. I don't worry about food, or whether or not I can keep my car because I'll have no way to get to work. I don't have to worry about my drinking problem, or how the person I'm in a relationship with doesn't love me. I worry about getting a second car, or how long it will take me to finish school and start my career. I worry about whether or not I'm ever going to sit down and finish my second book. I worry about whether or not I'm going to get a vacation this summer, or this fall. Those are nice things to worry about, when I put it in perspective from when I started blogging all those years ago.
I have a beautiful home. I have two wonderful, supportive partners who take good care of me. Thank god, (and you know I'm grateful my dear) I'm never going to have to call Perpet ever again because I'm sick and I need someone to take care of me and she's the only one I have. I'm never going to wake up in the morning and worry that my partners don't love me, because they tell me, and they show me, every day.
Now, more than ever, I have a fantastic group of friends who care about me. We share interests. I can count on them when I'm feeling low. They're there to give me good, sound advice and grow as a person. They balance my life, they give me perspective. They understand me. And they are fun as hell to be around, to boot. Never before in my life have I had so many friends. I've never been in a place where I knew more people who love me than who don't. I've never known myself to be able to pick up my phone and know the person on the other line wants to be close to me, trusts me, and deserves my trust too.
I'm a very lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I'm terribly ungrateful for all the beautiful things I have. I'm glad I have enough perspective now to see that things in my life are pretty amazing.
I hope tonight you find something in your life worth being thankful for.
AGxx
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Running the gauntlet
I'm exhausted. Seriously. Work seems to keep taking the toll it always does, and I find myself more and more trying to find new sources of energy. Lookng within myself to find it is difficult. I'm not going to lie. I tried meditation this evening and could barely keep it up for ten minutes. There are so many things running through my head, it seems nearly impossible to focus on myself. The thing is, I know that's what I need to be doing.
In other news- the garden. Yeah, I think I might have mentioned, our new neighbors in the rental next to us, not such nice people. I think he's made an effort to annoy us. He's taken out one of my corner fences and not replaced it, mowed over my entire hedgerow (yeah, they're dead now) and he tried to mow over my Maria Stern rosebush. Annoyed. So I went and bought newer, fluffier hedges that he can't mow over without making a huge mess. I might have also put metal spikes into the ground under them, sticking up about three inches. If he mows my hedges down this time, its gonna kill his mower. I asked nicely for him to stop twice. I think that's more than enough warning. Three strikes, you're out. I also am the proud owner of five new rosebushes and a dawrf alberta spruce. My lawn is already looking lovelier. And the smell! Its amazing. I'm contemplating filling the whole of my flowerbeds with irises and roses. They smell gorgeous and I know I can get them to grow.
On the homefront, I had some great bonding time with some friends yesterday. Especially Sakura. I love that he and I have a beautiful connection. When it comes to the idea of teh "froup mind" in a coven, I definately understand it when it comes to he and I. I feel like we've connected in a really special way. He did a reading for me last night, and I appreciated it. I knew he would know my question the minute the reading was laid out, and honestly, I knew what the answer to my question was. The thing is, sometimes its hard to face reality. Sometimes its hard to let things go. And hearing it directly from the diety is the easiest way to cope with that. I know what path I need to take right now, regarding a very specific situation. Its been one I've struggled with a lot recently. Finding my footing has really helped me. I'm lucky to have someone as loving, compassionate and talented as a part of my coven.
I also reconnected with an old friend recently, and we got to spend some time together. He got to meet my partners. They love him. Keats (that's what we'll call him) is a really special person to me. I'm not entirely sure if even he remembers all of the favors he has done for me in the past. Suffice to say, having him come back into my life is a boon for me. And it started with a dream. I know, I know, I expound on the power of dreams frequently, but I think this is a great example of how well they work when you pay attention to them. I had a dream about him, so I made an effort to find him. Turns out, he'd been dreaming about me too. An odd "coincidence" when you think of the fact we haven't seen eachother in nearly three years and that we've both changed since the last time we saw eachother. I believe people come into you life for a reason. He reentered mine, and I'm looking forward to seeing what our relationship will bring. As an added benefit both the girls love him (knowing how gurded Kitten is, this is huge) I'm hoping he will become a frequent visitor in my household. He's intelligent, witty and amazingly empathetic. On top of that, he's funny as hell. I love it.
I'm a little frustrated at work right now. Our girls are playing a home bout in a couple of weeks. I asked off for the evening of the bout and the morning after today. Turns out, I'm the only regular supervisor going to be in town that weekend. It bites, because it means if I can't pull some serious strings, Kitten Oscelot and Sakura, with our other friends, will be attending while I am stuck at work. Its part of the new responsibility, I know, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I have my hopes one of our part-time managers will come through for me just for the saturday night. I'm willing to work an all day on no sleep if I have to, I just want to go an have a fun night with my friends.
We're going to get the tires for the truck tomorrow, which is great. It means we have the chance to try and go do something fun before the summer is over. I'm dying for a night out of town. I need a break, seriously. I feel so tired, both emotionally and physically, most mornings, I can barely stand it.
In other good news, I think I finally talked sense to my student loan people, and they realize that I can't pay them $320 a month on my loans. We've worked out a deal, which means that this time next year my loans will be out of default and I can get grants so I can go back to school. Its still a setback, but its better than I could have hoped at this point. My mom had offered to pay for my classes this semester, but I'll believe that when I see it. Hopefully, though, she'll coem through for me, and I can jump in with a class or two this semester. Of course, she doesn't normally come through, there's always something (not that I blame her, I wouldn't do that) but I will confess its another thing I've been sincerely praying for.
That's me, and my world, in a nutshell. I know I have some friends out tehre, lurking in blogland, that have a lot on their plates right now. The offer always stands, let me help you if I can. Even if its just that you need someone to email so you can bitch and get it off your chest. Let me be your pal. I know you are there for me when I need it.
Love you all.
AGxx
Ps- the lovely Gayle Moffet, in my sidebar, is getting ready to publish. She's seriously talented. check her out. Also, I made a mistake in her address, so click on the top of her blog to go to her homepage. I'm working on fixing that up. In the meantime, see what she's up to. Great lady.
In other news- the garden. Yeah, I think I might have mentioned, our new neighbors in the rental next to us, not such nice people. I think he's made an effort to annoy us. He's taken out one of my corner fences and not replaced it, mowed over my entire hedgerow (yeah, they're dead now) and he tried to mow over my Maria Stern rosebush. Annoyed. So I went and bought newer, fluffier hedges that he can't mow over without making a huge mess. I might have also put metal spikes into the ground under them, sticking up about three inches. If he mows my hedges down this time, its gonna kill his mower. I asked nicely for him to stop twice. I think that's more than enough warning. Three strikes, you're out. I also am the proud owner of five new rosebushes and a dawrf alberta spruce. My lawn is already looking lovelier. And the smell! Its amazing. I'm contemplating filling the whole of my flowerbeds with irises and roses. They smell gorgeous and I know I can get them to grow.
On the homefront, I had some great bonding time with some friends yesterday. Especially Sakura. I love that he and I have a beautiful connection. When it comes to the idea of teh "froup mind" in a coven, I definately understand it when it comes to he and I. I feel like we've connected in a really special way. He did a reading for me last night, and I appreciated it. I knew he would know my question the minute the reading was laid out, and honestly, I knew what the answer to my question was. The thing is, sometimes its hard to face reality. Sometimes its hard to let things go. And hearing it directly from the diety is the easiest way to cope with that. I know what path I need to take right now, regarding a very specific situation. Its been one I've struggled with a lot recently. Finding my footing has really helped me. I'm lucky to have someone as loving, compassionate and talented as a part of my coven.
I also reconnected with an old friend recently, and we got to spend some time together. He got to meet my partners. They love him. Keats (that's what we'll call him) is a really special person to me. I'm not entirely sure if even he remembers all of the favors he has done for me in the past. Suffice to say, having him come back into my life is a boon for me. And it started with a dream. I know, I know, I expound on the power of dreams frequently, but I think this is a great example of how well they work when you pay attention to them. I had a dream about him, so I made an effort to find him. Turns out, he'd been dreaming about me too. An odd "coincidence" when you think of the fact we haven't seen eachother in nearly three years and that we've both changed since the last time we saw eachother. I believe people come into you life for a reason. He reentered mine, and I'm looking forward to seeing what our relationship will bring. As an added benefit both the girls love him (knowing how gurded Kitten is, this is huge) I'm hoping he will become a frequent visitor in my household. He's intelligent, witty and amazingly empathetic. On top of that, he's funny as hell. I love it.
I'm a little frustrated at work right now. Our girls are playing a home bout in a couple of weeks. I asked off for the evening of the bout and the morning after today. Turns out, I'm the only regular supervisor going to be in town that weekend. It bites, because it means if I can't pull some serious strings, Kitten Oscelot and Sakura, with our other friends, will be attending while I am stuck at work. Its part of the new responsibility, I know, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I have my hopes one of our part-time managers will come through for me just for the saturday night. I'm willing to work an all day on no sleep if I have to, I just want to go an have a fun night with my friends.
We're going to get the tires for the truck tomorrow, which is great. It means we have the chance to try and go do something fun before the summer is over. I'm dying for a night out of town. I need a break, seriously. I feel so tired, both emotionally and physically, most mornings, I can barely stand it.
In other good news, I think I finally talked sense to my student loan people, and they realize that I can't pay them $320 a month on my loans. We've worked out a deal, which means that this time next year my loans will be out of default and I can get grants so I can go back to school. Its still a setback, but its better than I could have hoped at this point. My mom had offered to pay for my classes this semester, but I'll believe that when I see it. Hopefully, though, she'll coem through for me, and I can jump in with a class or two this semester. Of course, she doesn't normally come through, there's always something (not that I blame her, I wouldn't do that) but I will confess its another thing I've been sincerely praying for.
That's me, and my world, in a nutshell. I know I have some friends out tehre, lurking in blogland, that have a lot on their plates right now. The offer always stands, let me help you if I can. Even if its just that you need someone to email so you can bitch and get it off your chest. Let me be your pal. I know you are there for me when I need it.
Love you all.
AGxx
Ps- the lovely Gayle Moffet, in my sidebar, is getting ready to publish. She's seriously talented. check her out. Also, I made a mistake in her address, so click on the top of her blog to go to her homepage. I'm working on fixing that up. In the meantime, see what she's up to. Great lady.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Dreams of Burning
Its about that time of year. Independence Day. Its actually not my favorite holiday. I'm not huge on celebrating it. Now, before you call me unpatriotic, its not that at all. Despite the faults of the US, I know I'm lucky to live in a country where I have rights I might not have elsewhere.
Honestly, its more the fireworks than anything. I don't like them all that well. Now, big fireworks shows where you sit on a blanket in the grass and watch from afar- those I don't mind. In fact, later this evening I'll be able to see soemthing like that from my front porch because they are doing one of those community events in our downtown area.
I just dont like them up close and personal. I've played with my fair share of them, no question. About four years ago I went out into the country with Rogue to a friend of ours farm and we shot some off. I was even stupid enough to hold a roman candle in my hand while it was lit. I'm fine, I suppose, when a person handling them is responsible. I also have a huge penchant for fountains. Those are great because you just light them and move away and watch the pretty. I like those.
I'll tell you what I don't like though- people who are unsafe with them. And bottle rockets. And fireworks in the city. See, its a hot time of year and people in our city shoot them off between the first of july and the weeks after the holiday. It annoys me. One, its loud and when I want to sleep it pisses me off. Two, its dry. I don't want to have to wet my roof just to make sure my house doesn't catch fire because some jackass feels like they need to shoot them off inside city limits (illegal, I might add). There's any number of people I know who do other stupid things, like bottle rocket wars. Who in thier right mind thinks its cool to aim a firework that could seriously injure someone at one of their friends? Its just not my thing.
Also, a scarring personal experience I mentioned a blog or two ago. When I was about 13 i had a terrible dream the night of the fourth. I was at a strange house and I was walking around to the back yard. I saw my brother, Punk, with his eyes on fire. The dream faded, and I saw him again, his head wrapped in a white netting, patches over his eyes. He was laying down, and shaking all over. I woke screaming. I told my mom and step-dad about the dream. My parents chalked it up to me being afraid of the fireworks we had been shooting off. They told me to go back to bed.
The next year we went to a barbque at the home of some people my parents went to church with. Some of the kids were playing with a military style smoke bomb, you know, the kind that are huge, in long tubes. Punk went over to take it away from them because it was dangerous, and they were small. It exploded in his hand when he took it from one of the kids. I watched, frozen in horror as it caught his eyes on fire, just like in my dream. I saw it all over. If you've ever experienced deja vu you know the feeling I'm talking about. I knew what was happening. I knew how it would end. I fell into a mass of hysterical crying. Later, I went to see my brother in the ER. His face was bandaged just as I had seen it.
I remember two things about that night clearly. The first is that I truly began to put stock in my dreams. I had experienced it before, having a dream that happened, but this was the first time that anything truly frightening I had dreamed had come true. I remember for a time I was afraid to sleep. I told my parents over and over that night "I told you it would happen. Dont you remember?" They didn't seem to. Or they didn't want to. My faily is religious, but they tend towards the belief that anything fantastic must be blasphemous. The other thing I remember clearly is I've never liked fireworks since that time.
I would say to you, my friends, respect fire and fireworks. Be careful, whatever you do this fourth, and return back to me safely.
AGxx
Honestly, its more the fireworks than anything. I don't like them all that well. Now, big fireworks shows where you sit on a blanket in the grass and watch from afar- those I don't mind. In fact, later this evening I'll be able to see soemthing like that from my front porch because they are doing one of those community events in our downtown area.
I just dont like them up close and personal. I've played with my fair share of them, no question. About four years ago I went out into the country with Rogue to a friend of ours farm and we shot some off. I was even stupid enough to hold a roman candle in my hand while it was lit. I'm fine, I suppose, when a person handling them is responsible. I also have a huge penchant for fountains. Those are great because you just light them and move away and watch the pretty. I like those.
I'll tell you what I don't like though- people who are unsafe with them. And bottle rockets. And fireworks in the city. See, its a hot time of year and people in our city shoot them off between the first of july and the weeks after the holiday. It annoys me. One, its loud and when I want to sleep it pisses me off. Two, its dry. I don't want to have to wet my roof just to make sure my house doesn't catch fire because some jackass feels like they need to shoot them off inside city limits (illegal, I might add). There's any number of people I know who do other stupid things, like bottle rocket wars. Who in thier right mind thinks its cool to aim a firework that could seriously injure someone at one of their friends? Its just not my thing.
Also, a scarring personal experience I mentioned a blog or two ago. When I was about 13 i had a terrible dream the night of the fourth. I was at a strange house and I was walking around to the back yard. I saw my brother, Punk, with his eyes on fire. The dream faded, and I saw him again, his head wrapped in a white netting, patches over his eyes. He was laying down, and shaking all over. I woke screaming. I told my mom and step-dad about the dream. My parents chalked it up to me being afraid of the fireworks we had been shooting off. They told me to go back to bed.
The next year we went to a barbque at the home of some people my parents went to church with. Some of the kids were playing with a military style smoke bomb, you know, the kind that are huge, in long tubes. Punk went over to take it away from them because it was dangerous, and they were small. It exploded in his hand when he took it from one of the kids. I watched, frozen in horror as it caught his eyes on fire, just like in my dream. I saw it all over. If you've ever experienced deja vu you know the feeling I'm talking about. I knew what was happening. I knew how it would end. I fell into a mass of hysterical crying. Later, I went to see my brother in the ER. His face was bandaged just as I had seen it.
I remember two things about that night clearly. The first is that I truly began to put stock in my dreams. I had experienced it before, having a dream that happened, but this was the first time that anything truly frightening I had dreamed had come true. I remember for a time I was afraid to sleep. I told my parents over and over that night "I told you it would happen. Dont you remember?" They didn't seem to. Or they didn't want to. My faily is religious, but they tend towards the belief that anything fantastic must be blasphemous. The other thing I remember clearly is I've never liked fireworks since that time.
I would say to you, my friends, respect fire and fireworks. Be careful, whatever you do this fourth, and return back to me safely.
AGxx
Friday, July 1, 2011
Solitary Ramble
It feels like I have something important to say tonight, but I can't seem to get it out. Its one of those nights where I've started this post four or five times, erased it, and wanted to start over. And here I am, still strangely unable to say what's on my mind. I wonder if this is because i have something to say, and its hard or if there's really nothing in me at all tonight, and I want there to be.
I think, much to your reading detriment, and probably to better my feelings, this may just be a ramble, and I'll see where things go. I know there are a lot of things on my mind, so maybe- just maybe, if I let it out, I'll find what it is I meant to say all along.
Do you ever have a day where you think about things that you don't want to? Where the thoughts that refuse to leave you are the ones you like the least? I'm having that day where I want to be happy and think of beautiful, plesant things, but the moment they enter my mind they flit away and leave the shadows behind me.
I had a moment tonight at work, when I was out smoking and I was thinking about my ex. We were talking about those terrible nights you have when you drink and you wake up and wonder what happened. You remember a before and an after, but the during part is what stumps you. You know you were there, you know you were moving around, but what you were doing...that's all black and grey. i laughed, I remember, and said that's why I don't drink anymore. I do, sometimes, but never to excess. I haven't drank to excess in a very long time. Its been a while since I've woken up and wondered what I'd done. A lot of those nights were when I was with BBD. I laughed, and said I recalled on of the biggest fuck-ups I'd ever had- I woke up one morning and realized I was engaged to someone I despised, that I resented and couldn't respect. I woke up and realized I couldn't even be attracted to them because I didn't even like their sex. I woke up and realized that I was miserable, and I didn't respect or love myself anymore because I had gotten myself into this place and the person I was would have never let it happen. What happened? Where did I go so terribly wrong?
I remember when Beloved and I split up. I didn't feel much of anything. I was a little hurt. I was a little angry. But I wasn't suprised. I knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time. I don't blame her, I really don't. But I think, if I'm honest, my ego took a blow. I felt like I was a person who must not be worth much. Beloved is such an honest, responsible, innately good person. For me to have fallen short of her standards...there must have been soemthing wrong with me. I reverted to who I was when I had met her. I drank, I partied, I didn't care who I was with or where Iw as at. I wanted to be diverted. I wanted to forget my own shortcomings. I wanted release for all those years I had tried to hard to be a good, responsible person becuase I wanted to make her happy.
I realize now, as a responsible adult, who is reposnsible because I want to be; that I wasn't in the right place. When I was with her, I should have wanted to be better because it was good for me, not because it was what made her happy. I know now what I had known all along, which is good friends and lovers make you better. They help you become more who you are, not because they mean to but because they are in your life. I understand now some of the underlying resentment that Beloved had for Perpet and for Rogue. They were good for me. They made me push myself. They helped me see who I was, and it was then that I started realizing I wasn't happy in my relationship or in who I was becoming. I needed a change. My life now is full of people who push me to be better. I don't want to be better because they make me, but because I want to be my best. They bring it out in me, they force me to be honest about who I am and what i want. I love them for that. I see that they know me, and I know myself, and there's no hiding from that. In my life now, there isn't room to hide. There isn't room for anything but me being honest with myself and with the people I love. I deserve my best, and so do they.
I could look back and regret the whole BBD thing. I could. I could say if I got a do-over I would change things. I wouldn't. Granted, I would like my beautiful truck back. I would like to not being in debt for school, or be finished with school the way I should have been. I'd like to not have all the hospital bills from me not taking care of myself and me winding up in the ER because I couldn't do anything to save me from me. I wish those things had never happened. But everything has a purpose. There's always a reason. I learned a lot about myself when I was with him. I realized that no, it isn't the person I love. Its a pretty thought, but when it comes to men no matter how pretty or awesome, I can't love them the way I love a woman. I learned that there are some things worth risking everything for. I learned how little I had respected myself, and how much I cared about myself when push came to shove. because truth be told, had he never hurt me, had he never given me the excuse to leave; I still would have left. I deserved more. I deserved better. My soul mate had come back into my life, and there was nothing I wasn't willing to risk to keep her. Thank god, had I been stupid and blind, she was planning on ruining my wedding so I wouldn't tie myself to someone I hated. She was ready to risk everything for me too. That's real love.
There isn't a whole lot in my life that I regret. I'm generally a person who believes that you should never regret anything, or want to go back and do things differently. I think we make the decisions we make for a reason, and when we make them we recognize that there will be conaequence, for better or worse, to go with it. We choose to accept that consequence to receive the benefit of the choice we made...Still there are moments in time when I made a choice that I wish when I made it I had realized the consequence. Or rather, i wish my ability to know the future, such as it is, were more complete. There are moments in my life I wish I had savored, not knowing that it would be the only time I felt something, or the only chance I would have to do something. There are people I have had leave my life, that had I known that was my last moment, I would have put more into it. I would have given them more than I did. I am a firm believer that you should never leave an emotion. I don't like to let things lie. I think you waste chances when you do that. Unfortunately, its one of my biggest problems. Sometimes I go too far, and it makes a situation harder to bear. Other times I don't go far enough, and I find myself replaying certain moments in my head, wishing I had felt at that moment what I feel know when I think of it.
Is that silly? Is that childish? I don't know. But I know this, there are times when my goodbye was not enough. There are times when that last kiss should have been much more than it was. There are times when I wish I hadn't edited myself, and I had let it go regardless of what the other person thought because I look back now and I wish I had the courage to say it. In almost all of these circumstances the person is still in my life, in some form, or is close enough by that I could (were I so inclined) make good on my wish. But sometimes its senseless to do it. Sometimes its only time and experience that make you realize how special a person really is to you. Its those times, mostly, that I feel this feeling. I don't think its regret, really. I'm not sure what you would call it. Nostalgia, maybe? Sometimes its that. Meloncholy? sometimes it comes in fits. I have a pretty extensive vocabulary but the word I want escapes me tonight. Regret is something that you could change, if you went back to that moment. But...if it were that same moment I know i wouldn't do it differently, because of who I was. Who I am now is the person that seeks the change. Does that make sense?
An example or two? There was a person who made me feel very good about myself on a night that should have been very special to me when I was 17. It was horrible, I felt worthless, and this person stopped me and said something to me I will never forget. The person I am now wants to go back in time, take their hand and tell them how very much that meant. But me, shy and terrified at 17, never would have. It would have humiliated me to do it. It would have meant me admitting what I saw as my own inadequacies (which now I treasure as some of my best traits) and being thankful for notice I know now I deserved.
I had a friend, Alexi, (if you've read me long enough you know of him) and he was a very dear friend. He was more special to me than I ever admitted. I ruined our friendship with willful ignorance. I chose not to make it right. I remember the last time I saw him, and arrogantly, I assumed I would see him again. I never did, and however many times as a young adult I tried to make it up to him, or tried to find him, I never did successfully resolve what happened between us. Who I am now wishes I had been me then, because he deserved a better friend than I ever was. I find myself, 11 years after our parting, still wondering where he is and how he is doing. We have mutual friends, I could ask, but I know the answer will be given with a headshake. He has moved on from our mutual infliction of pain. Somehow I never did. I'm pretty sure that's because most of the blame for our failed relationship lays at my door.
I recognize now that it is one of my faults. I'm arrogant. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone will agree with me, if I know them. My friends, I should say. My lovers. My confidantes. I take for granted their opinions sometimes. Its not that I think everyone has to agree with me. Its more that most of my friends have such similar outlooks to mine that I forget every now and again that they might feel differently from me. I also have a bad habit of assuming I will always have the people I love in my life. The sad thing is, I've learned my lesson over and over that that is not always going to be the case. Still, I sometimes willfully ignore the chance that I might not always have them around. I walk the line of learning what regret really is far too often. I should fix that, honestly.
I think that's about all the introspection I can take at the moment. The more I think of it, the more annoyed I become with myself. I see now the things I need to focus on in the relationships I have, and it makes me anxious to see if I can make myself better. I have so many wonderful people in my life, I should tell them more often how I feel about them. I should make sure that I am living without the chance of regret with them. In fact, for the people I love (who may or may not be reading) a special word for you. Its a list, but I think you'll know when I'm talking to you.
I love you. I couldn't go a day without you. Thank you for being in my life.
Chance brought us together, I'm never letting you go. I want to make every day of your life happier and better than you had ever hoped it could be.
You never give up on me, even when I'm at my most foolish. I know I can always count on you and I also know I can never repay you for all the things you have done for me. I'm going to try anyway, because you're an amazing person and I love you.
You remind me off all of my potential. You give me the strength to be myself because you have the strength to be yourself. You are a good, kind, loving person. I wouldn't be the person I am now if you were not in my life. Thank you for all of your encouragement.
You are more special to me than I could ever tell you. You've brought me through some of the worst times I've had in the last year. You seem to understand what I need, even when I don't. I love you for your honesty and your goodness more than anything. I know, at times, you must think I have completely lost sense of our relationship. However foolish I become, remember that my life would be bereft without you. Be patient with me. I will always be there for you. Thank you for forgiving me.
My dear readers, I hope this day was a good start to a new month for you. If it wasn't, keep faith. Tomorrow is something new, and better. I know, for most of you, I am a name and a picture. However that might be, if there is anything I can assist you with, outside of our beautiful little blogland, you need only comment, or email me, and I will do my best for you. I've found some of the people I trust most through my blog. I may not be corporeal, but I'm here, all the same.
You have my love, as you always do.
AGx
I think, much to your reading detriment, and probably to better my feelings, this may just be a ramble, and I'll see where things go. I know there are a lot of things on my mind, so maybe- just maybe, if I let it out, I'll find what it is I meant to say all along.
Do you ever have a day where you think about things that you don't want to? Where the thoughts that refuse to leave you are the ones you like the least? I'm having that day where I want to be happy and think of beautiful, plesant things, but the moment they enter my mind they flit away and leave the shadows behind me.
I had a moment tonight at work, when I was out smoking and I was thinking about my ex. We were talking about those terrible nights you have when you drink and you wake up and wonder what happened. You remember a before and an after, but the during part is what stumps you. You know you were there, you know you were moving around, but what you were doing...that's all black and grey. i laughed, I remember, and said that's why I don't drink anymore. I do, sometimes, but never to excess. I haven't drank to excess in a very long time. Its been a while since I've woken up and wondered what I'd done. A lot of those nights were when I was with BBD. I laughed, and said I recalled on of the biggest fuck-ups I'd ever had- I woke up one morning and realized I was engaged to someone I despised, that I resented and couldn't respect. I woke up and realized I couldn't even be attracted to them because I didn't even like their sex. I woke up and realized that I was miserable, and I didn't respect or love myself anymore because I had gotten myself into this place and the person I was would have never let it happen. What happened? Where did I go so terribly wrong?
I remember when Beloved and I split up. I didn't feel much of anything. I was a little hurt. I was a little angry. But I wasn't suprised. I knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time. I don't blame her, I really don't. But I think, if I'm honest, my ego took a blow. I felt like I was a person who must not be worth much. Beloved is such an honest, responsible, innately good person. For me to have fallen short of her standards...there must have been soemthing wrong with me. I reverted to who I was when I had met her. I drank, I partied, I didn't care who I was with or where Iw as at. I wanted to be diverted. I wanted to forget my own shortcomings. I wanted release for all those years I had tried to hard to be a good, responsible person becuase I wanted to make her happy.
I realize now, as a responsible adult, who is reposnsible because I want to be; that I wasn't in the right place. When I was with her, I should have wanted to be better because it was good for me, not because it was what made her happy. I know now what I had known all along, which is good friends and lovers make you better. They help you become more who you are, not because they mean to but because they are in your life. I understand now some of the underlying resentment that Beloved had for Perpet and for Rogue. They were good for me. They made me push myself. They helped me see who I was, and it was then that I started realizing I wasn't happy in my relationship or in who I was becoming. I needed a change. My life now is full of people who push me to be better. I don't want to be better because they make me, but because I want to be my best. They bring it out in me, they force me to be honest about who I am and what i want. I love them for that. I see that they know me, and I know myself, and there's no hiding from that. In my life now, there isn't room to hide. There isn't room for anything but me being honest with myself and with the people I love. I deserve my best, and so do they.
I could look back and regret the whole BBD thing. I could. I could say if I got a do-over I would change things. I wouldn't. Granted, I would like my beautiful truck back. I would like to not being in debt for school, or be finished with school the way I should have been. I'd like to not have all the hospital bills from me not taking care of myself and me winding up in the ER because I couldn't do anything to save me from me. I wish those things had never happened. But everything has a purpose. There's always a reason. I learned a lot about myself when I was with him. I realized that no, it isn't the person I love. Its a pretty thought, but when it comes to men no matter how pretty or awesome, I can't love them the way I love a woman. I learned that there are some things worth risking everything for. I learned how little I had respected myself, and how much I cared about myself when push came to shove. because truth be told, had he never hurt me, had he never given me the excuse to leave; I still would have left. I deserved more. I deserved better. My soul mate had come back into my life, and there was nothing I wasn't willing to risk to keep her. Thank god, had I been stupid and blind, she was planning on ruining my wedding so I wouldn't tie myself to someone I hated. She was ready to risk everything for me too. That's real love.
There isn't a whole lot in my life that I regret. I'm generally a person who believes that you should never regret anything, or want to go back and do things differently. I think we make the decisions we make for a reason, and when we make them we recognize that there will be conaequence, for better or worse, to go with it. We choose to accept that consequence to receive the benefit of the choice we made...Still there are moments in time when I made a choice that I wish when I made it I had realized the consequence. Or rather, i wish my ability to know the future, such as it is, were more complete. There are moments in my life I wish I had savored, not knowing that it would be the only time I felt something, or the only chance I would have to do something. There are people I have had leave my life, that had I known that was my last moment, I would have put more into it. I would have given them more than I did. I am a firm believer that you should never leave an emotion. I don't like to let things lie. I think you waste chances when you do that. Unfortunately, its one of my biggest problems. Sometimes I go too far, and it makes a situation harder to bear. Other times I don't go far enough, and I find myself replaying certain moments in my head, wishing I had felt at that moment what I feel know when I think of it.
Is that silly? Is that childish? I don't know. But I know this, there are times when my goodbye was not enough. There are times when that last kiss should have been much more than it was. There are times when I wish I hadn't edited myself, and I had let it go regardless of what the other person thought because I look back now and I wish I had the courage to say it. In almost all of these circumstances the person is still in my life, in some form, or is close enough by that I could (were I so inclined) make good on my wish. But sometimes its senseless to do it. Sometimes its only time and experience that make you realize how special a person really is to you. Its those times, mostly, that I feel this feeling. I don't think its regret, really. I'm not sure what you would call it. Nostalgia, maybe? Sometimes its that. Meloncholy? sometimes it comes in fits. I have a pretty extensive vocabulary but the word I want escapes me tonight. Regret is something that you could change, if you went back to that moment. But...if it were that same moment I know i wouldn't do it differently, because of who I was. Who I am now is the person that seeks the change. Does that make sense?
An example or two? There was a person who made me feel very good about myself on a night that should have been very special to me when I was 17. It was horrible, I felt worthless, and this person stopped me and said something to me I will never forget. The person I am now wants to go back in time, take their hand and tell them how very much that meant. But me, shy and terrified at 17, never would have. It would have humiliated me to do it. It would have meant me admitting what I saw as my own inadequacies (which now I treasure as some of my best traits) and being thankful for notice I know now I deserved.
I had a friend, Alexi, (if you've read me long enough you know of him) and he was a very dear friend. He was more special to me than I ever admitted. I ruined our friendship with willful ignorance. I chose not to make it right. I remember the last time I saw him, and arrogantly, I assumed I would see him again. I never did, and however many times as a young adult I tried to make it up to him, or tried to find him, I never did successfully resolve what happened between us. Who I am now wishes I had been me then, because he deserved a better friend than I ever was. I find myself, 11 years after our parting, still wondering where he is and how he is doing. We have mutual friends, I could ask, but I know the answer will be given with a headshake. He has moved on from our mutual infliction of pain. Somehow I never did. I'm pretty sure that's because most of the blame for our failed relationship lays at my door.
I recognize now that it is one of my faults. I'm arrogant. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone will agree with me, if I know them. My friends, I should say. My lovers. My confidantes. I take for granted their opinions sometimes. Its not that I think everyone has to agree with me. Its more that most of my friends have such similar outlooks to mine that I forget every now and again that they might feel differently from me. I also have a bad habit of assuming I will always have the people I love in my life. The sad thing is, I've learned my lesson over and over that that is not always going to be the case. Still, I sometimes willfully ignore the chance that I might not always have them around. I walk the line of learning what regret really is far too often. I should fix that, honestly.
I think that's about all the introspection I can take at the moment. The more I think of it, the more annoyed I become with myself. I see now the things I need to focus on in the relationships I have, and it makes me anxious to see if I can make myself better. I have so many wonderful people in my life, I should tell them more often how I feel about them. I should make sure that I am living without the chance of regret with them. In fact, for the people I love (who may or may not be reading) a special word for you. Its a list, but I think you'll know when I'm talking to you.
I love you. I couldn't go a day without you. Thank you for being in my life.
Chance brought us together, I'm never letting you go. I want to make every day of your life happier and better than you had ever hoped it could be.
You never give up on me, even when I'm at my most foolish. I know I can always count on you and I also know I can never repay you for all the things you have done for me. I'm going to try anyway, because you're an amazing person and I love you.
You remind me off all of my potential. You give me the strength to be myself because you have the strength to be yourself. You are a good, kind, loving person. I wouldn't be the person I am now if you were not in my life. Thank you for all of your encouragement.
You are more special to me than I could ever tell you. You've brought me through some of the worst times I've had in the last year. You seem to understand what I need, even when I don't. I love you for your honesty and your goodness more than anything. I know, at times, you must think I have completely lost sense of our relationship. However foolish I become, remember that my life would be bereft without you. Be patient with me. I will always be there for you. Thank you for forgiving me.
My dear readers, I hope this day was a good start to a new month for you. If it wasn't, keep faith. Tomorrow is something new, and better. I know, for most of you, I am a name and a picture. However that might be, if there is anything I can assist you with, outside of our beautiful little blogland, you need only comment, or email me, and I will do my best for you. I've found some of the people I trust most through my blog. I may not be corporeal, but I'm here, all the same.
You have my love, as you always do.
AGx
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