She's Not Really My Type, But I Think You Two Are Forever

I wanted to post about being in a triad. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Part of it is because my relationship, you might be suprised to know, is still a bit of a mystery to me. Part of it is because a lot of people make assumptions about my lifestyle because I have both a wife and a girlfriend and sometimes it annoys and confuses me. So I thought I would talk a little bit about it, if only to clear my own head and give you a bit more clarity.

I suppose the first thing that comes to mind when I think about our relationship is marriage. More specifically, my marriage. I married Kitten two and a half years ago. We're very happy and we have a strong relationship. I never question that, and sometimes I think other people do. They think we started dating Oscelot because we were lacking something, or we were unhappy. That certainly isn't the case. Some people think that maybe I have a lax attitude about marriage, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love Kitten more than my own life, and my union with her is important to me.

Kitten and I started dating Oscelot because we cared very much for her. We had talked seriously about it before we talked to her, and one of the things we had discussed was how it would affect our life together, our relationship. You might not know it, but Oscelot was our roommate before she started dating us, we had asked her to move in because we knew she was in a bad postition where she was living, she was unhappy and unhealthy. We were worried for her as a friend. The more time we spent with her the more we realized we cared for her, and we had to discuss with each other the impact she was having on our lives. It wasn't something we planned, falling in love with her. Had it happened any other way, had one of us been in love and not the other, we wouldn't have gone through with any kind of relationship. We would have been really careful not to hurt her, or put her in an akward place. Fortunately for all of us, that wasn't the case.

Communication is really important in a relationship like the one I'm in. I talk with Kitten about our feelings, and its important to me that she and I mantain a healthy, happy marriage that has nothing to do with Oscelot. Now, that may sound cold, but the truth of the matter is, Oscelot is young, younger than us, and she may not always want to be in a relationship with us. Its important that we think about our relationship to each other as well as our relationship to her.

Another thing that rather annoys me about the whole marriage issue is a lot of people assume that we're bigamists. We aren't. I remember a few months ago some of the girls talking about a show on TV that has bigamists on it, and how they wouldn't stand for their husbands having another wife, no offense to me. I didn't take offense because I don't think we're like that. I don't have a spiritual reason for having a girlfriend, and I don't think the motivation is the same. Moreover, it rather annoys me that most people assume at some point that Kitten and I will propose to Oscelot and marry her. I want tobe clear, I am already married. You only do that once. Its a lifetime commitment, and in my case, I believe its something that transcends this lifetime. I married Kitten because I want to be with her in every life, and I want my soul to exist with her when there are no more lives to be had.

The reason we haven't, and may or may not, make a binding commitment to Oscelot is because we aren't ready for that. I've known Kitten since I was 18. I know her heart like I know my own. I've only known Oscelot for a few years. That's not enough, if you ask me, to know whether or not someone should be with you for all eternity. More than that, and this is a rather touchy subject because its her business, is that Oscelot, because of her personal issues, has a lot of gowing to do. She has a lot of personality traits that may likely change. A few more years in therapy, growing and getting to know herself, and who knows who she'll be and how she'll feel. I hope we still care for her. I hope she still cares for us. But, as most of us know, people change and sometimes that change is not conducive to the maintenance of a relationship. If there were ever a time where we were to consider that, it would be a huge decision and its something that I (nor Kitten) would take lightly. Now, some might say that a commitment to her wouldn't have to be the same kind I have with Kitten, but I think that's really short sighted and unfair to Oscelot. If I am not willing to offer my partner everything, when I've already offered it to someone else, it doesn't say a lot about my view of them, or of commitment in general. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

I think there are a lot of people out there who think I'm not serious at all about any of my relationships. I had someone (whom I like very much, I might add) suggest in jest that since I am such good pals with Flyguy, maybe I could have him marry Oscelot and we could all four have a very happy life together. My jaw almost hit the floor. I know this person was joking, but in most jokes is a grain of truth and the truth is, I think a lot of people think I just play house. I think they assume that I have no regard for marriage as an institution, and that its a game to me. Certainly not the case, at all. Moreover, the thought of marrying someone I love to a good friend for the benefit of having some sort of happy communal household is almost laughable. I like Flyguy. Hell, I love him. He's a great person. But that doesn't mean I want him to marry my girlfriend, who incidentally (not that it matters) would be a terrible partner for him, not the least because she doesn't like guys.

It baffles the mind. Of course, I've had a reputation in the past at my job of being some sort of super diva in bed. I hear (and this is so not true) that I've slept with a great and many of my coworkers. If you count Rogue, I've actually slept with two, and that's because I worked with Oscelot for about a year. Wait- three- Perpet worked at Casa Beuno, though we weren't sleeping together when she did. Anyway. The thing is, because I like to hug, and hold hands; because I use pet names for the people I like and the people I care about; I've somehow fostered the idea I sleep with all of my friends. Not true. I mean, I'd like to be a badass and all...but its just not in the cards. I mean, the idea that I am so irresistible that all my friends fall into bed with me, and such a cool chick that they stay friends with me even when I'm not sleeping with them, its hilarious to me. I can't see myself that way at all...

Back to the matter at hand, I think a lot of people think that my relationship with Oscelot (and I should note, when I say "I" it almost always means "Kitten and I" save my personal opinions) is based on sex, which couldn't be further from the truth. Its based on mutual regard. Now you can laugh, but I know how long its been since I've slept with her, and I still like her just fine, thank you very much. Truly, I think that's how every relationship ought to be defined, but then, I'm old fashioned that way, aren;t I?

Yeah, I get the idea from the people I talk to that my life is some sort of exotic sexfest and that I'm always looking to add to my harem. Not true, laughable, really. My life at home is much like that of every other person I know who is in a relationship. The difference is I have to communicate more, because I have two people to maintain a relationship with, not just one. A lot of the time, that means more work.

And this relationship is work, trust me. You don't think of the mechanics, but consider:

We have to talk about whether or not we have sex individually, or together or whatever. Because being open and honest with eachother is important. Because no one wants to feel left out, or unloved. Because sometimes you need alone time with one partner or the other. Sometimes that doesn't even involve the bedroom. You have to maintain that sense of respect and regard. While most couples I know go on dates after they move in together or get married, I don't think they do it as often as we do. With three people, the need for alone time, time together and time as a couple is a lot of time to manage. I'll be honest, sometimes its exhausting.

There are a lot of trust issues we have to deal with. I mean, when you're married and you and your partner are seeing someone, the same someone, you have to be clear with eachother. You have to be clear with your partner. There's a lot of work that goes into keeping everyone on the same footing.

Financially, you have to think about three people's bills, their needs, how much money they make. There's times where I feel frustrated because I don't make as much money as the girls, and I try to find other ways to contrubute. The same with around the house...who always does laundry, or cleans for feeds the cats? Who feels liek a maid and who doesn't? Who needs time to themselves because the week has been rough and a little alone time is what they need.

Friend wise, you have to think about our personalities. We're all different people. We have different friends. Fortunately, there's a lot of crossover. We have mutual friends, people we all like to hang out with. But there are people I might like to talk to that Osclot might not like. Or maybe Kitten has a pal we just don't jive with, because our interests aren't similar. Arranging time with all of our friends has its challenges as well.

Despite the challenges, there is a lot of reward in our relationship. When I'm sick, or tired or need help, I've got two great women there to help me. When one of us needs some alone time, there's always someone else to be near and cuddle. When times get rought, having two people there to help you out is nice. Of course, I shouldn't need to add, loving each other is the best part, and I feel lucky I've earned the love of two wonderful people.

I don't know that I've completely covered the topic, I'm sure there's more I'll think of, and chances are, I'll post about this again, but I'm all sorts of talked out on this one. I'd be interested to hear what you think, to hear your questions about my life, because I know its not what most people traditionally do. I'll answer them as honestly as I can, and hopefully I can clear up this nasty idea people have that I don't have any regard for my marriage, or that I take relationships lightly.

AGxx

I Dreamed a Dream

I just wanted to pop on for a breif update.

I had today off, and I'm off tomorrow too. If I'm lucky, I'll get on tomorrow and do a bit of writing, although the need to prepare for Imbolic, which is in two days, is probably more pressing. Still, I've been in the mood to write and since a good friend suggested that maybe since that's what i've been feeling, maybe that's what I should do...I'm going to take the advice and let loose a little bit tomorrow.

In other news, I've fallen in love with the TV show Glee. I watched the first season over the last week. I really liked it. I'm a fan of musical theater, so its right up my alley. I like the show because I don't think they take it too seriously, and honestly, I don't either. I don't think the acting is superior or anything, but I do enjoy it and sometimes it makes me laugh out loud, and that's always a good thing.

I found out today that Kitten's mom is taking us to the ballet at the end of the month. I'm so excited I can't even begin to tell you. I almost cried. Its been so long since I've had a chance to go see a preformance, I think I'll enjoy it. It was a timely thing, too, because today Oscelot and I were talking over lunch and I was rather brooding over the futility of my writing projects at the moment. I've got a tip off to a reigonal press that might be interested in what I've got right now, so I'm going to look into it. I'm going to keep plugging away at the novel I've got going now, although I'm already certain that the first rewrite is going to have to be epic. I hate the way i've formatted it...anyway. We were talking about career options, and I was trying to be hoenst with myself.

Let's face it, even if I do get published, its not likely that I'm going to be the JK rowling of lesbian fiction. I mean, I think I'm good, and I'd take it, but its not liekly, which means that in time, I have to find soemthing to do that has nothing to do with hanging my hat on being a novelist. I don't want to work in restaurants all my life. Its not that I have anything against it, I just...I honestly don't think that's where I am going to spend my whole life. I'm shy enough (go on, laugh) that working with people on a daily basis is emotionally taxing. At least, I'd like a different role if I ever work with the public.

Still, I'm frightened because teaching, the option I had always considered, is likely going to elude my grasp as well, given how late I'll finish my education. I'll find something, I'm sure, but I'm frustrated soemtimes thinking about it.

The point of the conversation I was having with the Oscelot was that the three things I really love doing aren't really what you'd call "career options" for me. I mean, I love writing, and as a tech writer I could make money, but it isn't the same. Its the path I'm choosing because that's the one that seems like the best option. The other things I love? Not a chance. Most of you know I like to sing. If I'm honest, I'm a pretty good singer too. I've had good training, and my voice has held up well despite me smoking the top and bottom of my vocal range away. I love it, and it makes me happy, but I know that singing as a career option is absolutely out of the question. The other thing I love, dance, has been out for so long I shouldn't even think of it anymore.

I injured myself when I was a teenager. I couldn't keep preforming. I was off my feet for far too long. I missed what little shot I could have had. Outside of that, I'm far too old to be a ballet dancer, and that's what I truly love. I mean (and go ahead, laugh again) I'm an excellent hip hop dancer, and I can tap and jazz and all those other fun things. But ballet has always been a passion, and now when I look into the mirror I see myself and I know that even if I wanted to dance with our community ballet I'd have to loose weight and seriously tone up. No, I know I'm not fat. But there's thin and there's dancer thin, and that's one thing I'm not. I could do ballroom, but then, that's not a paying job, its a hobby that requires more money than I have. A lot more money than I have. It also requires a partner, and in my case that would mean a male who was willing to devote his time to that, who was strng enough to lift, hold and do all those other things with me a partner has to do and also is taller than me, by a good enough height that we look normal together on the dance floor, so about three inches or so...putting him at six foot or taller. Yeah...not looking like a viable hobby option even if I did have the money.

So the trip to see the ballet, however painful, will be a beautiful and enjoyable experience beacause its something that I love. Its something I love more than singing and something I understand more than writing. Remember how I said a few posts ago I'm a tactile person? The pure, unadulterated beauty of the movement of the human body is something that truly sets me on fire. Not sexually, but as a person. Watching the way people move is always interesting to me, and watching someone do it beautifully is something that takes my breath away. I wish I still had it in me.

I remembered (and I was telling Oscelot about this) the other day I asked Flyguy if he thought he could pick me up. After asking hwo much I weighed and receiving my answer, he seemed fairly certain he could, after he ascertained I wasn't asking him to military press me over his head or anything odd like that. (Why would I want that? I'm not sure...) Anyway, Hedgewitch had started this funny joke during flashdance about how she was going to get Flyguy in a pair of tights and dancing by the end of the summer. She was convinced that we could teach him to dance, after all, I have the experience...Anyway, I asked him out of curiosity and then spent the rest of the day in a dreamworld after he answered he thought he could. I mean, I had this stupid thought that if I asked him, maybe just maybe he would pick me up, lift me, and I could feel that feeling I did all that time ago...that feeling that I miss so much, that I was something beautiful. That I could make my body something beautiful that was more than me...

Anyway, its a daydream, and its silly, and sometimes I can't help myself. I'll wake up from a dream about dancing, or singing or whatever, and I have this moment where I feel utterly lost because I feel like I wasted so many chances when I was younger and I had no idea what talent or happiness could become if you wanted it to. Its good I'm not a parent...I'd probably become one of the ones that lives through their kids. That's never fair. I don't regret the life I have now. I love it. I love Kitten and Oscelot. I have a great marriage and wonderful friends. I just think...well, I think sometimes that I want to feel that freedom again...the way I feel when I sing or dance and I can't describe it because there aren't words for how you feel when you're like that.

I suppose I'll have to learn though, and maybe trying to know that feeling in words will give me my footing back with my writing, because sometimes I feel like its the only thing I have left of all the talents I've squandered, and then I think that maybe I don't even have that left...I'm never sure. But I'm going to keep after it, because honestly, when I write, I almost feel that feeling.

Sometimes I create a place that is mine, and it doesn't belong to anyone else but me. Everyone else can touch it, or see it, or hear it, but I'm the one that shapes the world. I love that feeling.

Look at me...I popped on to tell you I'm watching a silly television show and that I get to go see a ballet and I end up wandering on a tangent of the things that I love. The things that I miss. I must have needed a confession. I'll say this. Lately I've felt compelled to go dancing at one of our local clubs. I've wanted to go karaoke for a while. Maybe I should. It might do me some good.

I'm to bed, and tonight, there's no telling what i'll dream of. But I've got a hope that I can rest, and be in that world of mine, and know its always there. Even if its only when I'm sleeping.

Wow. I'll turn off the crazy now.

Love Y'all
AGxx

As You Shoot Across the Sky

Well hello. As you can see, I've been going through my old photo albums. I thought this might amuse you, because it certainly amuses me. I went and looked back at all the photos of me since I started blogging. I compiled here a little of what you might call a photo diary of how I've changed (at least in looks) since I started this little venture of mine, and since I met many of you.

This first picture is of me on the evening of my twenty third birthday. Well, I think its twenty three. I might be wrong about that, so don't quote me. I always loved that shirt, in fact I bought a bright blue, more updated version of this shirt a few years ago, though I wore it so rarely I finally threw it out this last spring. Also, I'd like to mention I definately don't wear jeans with that high a waist anymore. In fact, I rarely wear jeans. Anyway, this is me when I first started blogging, when I first met Perpet, back when Beloved and I were living together. I had a lot of ideas then, and I think most of them were probably a little off the mark, but that's the beauty of youth, isn't it? You're allowed to be wrong once and a while.

This next picture is of me (singing karaoke, mind you which is why I look possessed) just after I started dating BBD, sometime after I split up with Beloved and sometime before he and I got engaged. I've got a bit of a harder look about me, I think, and I was. I was rough around the edges. I took the split up wiith Beloved, well, not as well as I could have seeing as how I drank all the time, went out every night, and managed to not only start dating but end up getting engaged to someone it turned out I despised. This was definately a time when I was cutting off my nose to spite my face.

This was right before I started the whole Rogue fiasco, and after I left school. Again. This was the time I met some very cool people, and then again, I met some realy jerks too. I met little black book during this time. Shortly after this picture was taken I did get engaged, and it wasn't too much before or after (I honestly don't remember when) I began working at Casa Bueno.



Skip ahead a year or so and this is me again. This picture was taken about a month or two before BBD and I split up. You can see I'm a little more alert in the eyes. My face is pretty pink, in fact, I was probably well into drink the time this photo was taken. But this was a time when I started wanting a little more for myself and a little more from life.

Enter Kitten.

This is me after Kitten and I startd dating. You can see, I am actually able to smile a real smile. You can't see it, but my bestie Perpet took this picture, and that's another reason to smile, outside of finding real love. She and I had been on the outs a bit, ever since she sat me down and told me that I was being an idiot, I drank too much and BBD was ruining my life. I was mad, but she was right. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.

Also, if you look in the background, the red hair and ugly blue vest belong to our old roommate, Guitar Hero. This was taken about a year before she moved in, before we figured out she was bat shit crazy.

This is me on the lake at Epcot in Disney world. Obviously, I'm on my honeymoon. Incidentally, this is the photo I was looking at the other day when I was thinking about how long my hair has gotten. Its much curlier than it is now, because the longer my hair is the wavier it is, and the more like a rats nest it looks like. I spend a lot of time straitening my hair nowdays. Obviously, I am much happier in this picture than the others, I'm relaxed, and you can see my skin actually has a healthy tint to it.

This is me this last spring. It was taken at our local zoo. Because I have it in my hands behind my head, you can't see how long it is. I don't have an accurate photo of myself right now, because I haven't uploaded my vacation photos, and even then, we took pictures of big cats and not ourselves. Its almost an inch past my elbows now. Its also one of the few pictures I've taken of myself (well, someone else has taken, in this case, I think, it was the Lifeguard) where my hair is its natural color. Yes, those are natural highlights. No, I don't still have them. I mess with my hair all the time.

If you want to actually analyze this one, you can see that I've got a healthy skin tone. Overall, since that first picture, I've slimmed down. Rather, I should say, I toned up a bit, and put my flesh where it ought to be. I've only been really big once (andno, you can't see those photos) and I intend to keep it that way. I think you can also see my personality is developing, and I think I look more like a woman in this photo than any of the others.

I'd say its likely that's because its only been in the last four years I've come into my womanhood. I understand things now that were utterly beyond me a decade ago, and honestly, its nothing to do with books either, though I've acquired plenty of those in the process too.

I could wax poetic all night about the things I've learned and all the ways I've changed, but you know, I think you're more than able, if you want, to go back and read all of those posts and see it. Of course, those of you who have been with me all this time, you know how I've changed anyway. You've rather watched me come into myself, haven't you? Then again, I've got no illusions that I still have a lot of growing to do, although I think most of the personailty is pretty well set in stone. I hope so at least. I feel a lot more stable.

There is one thing, though, I will mention, and that's because I was speaking with Flyguy on the topic earlier today. Most of you have heard me say this, although you've never seen it. I have a spectacular temper. In that first picture, when I was angry or upset, I'd run away from a situation. I know now that just puts off the inevitable. By the time you hit the third picture, I'm well aware of how angry I can get, in fact, I spent a lot of my time when I was with BBD yelling. That did me no good at all. The fireworks were seen a lot more frequently, and they were pretty wild when they were out.

Kitten and I don't fight often, I don't say this to brag. I know every relationship has issues. Fortunately, I've learned that I have to discuss things calmly and like an adult. I know now how I feel when I'm working up to a good fit of rage, and for the most part, I can stop it in its tracks now. In the last year I've leanred to reflect why I'm angry. I have learned to take a deep breath and remember thatm ost of the time I can't fix the problem, and getting mad only makes things worse for me. I've learned when to say "Okay, I need to step away (not run away) and take five minutes to breathe and think about how I really feel, and then we can talk. " I've also learned that with almost all people, anger is less a sign of being truly angry, and is more often a sign of something else, like frustration, fear, hurt or sadness. I leanred this because I usually get mad when I am sad, frustrated, disappointed or afraid of soemthing.

Anyway. Enough about my big changes. I'm going to post this sucker, let you guys laugh at how I look, and then think of something to post that doesn't involve me being so abominably vain that I have to post pictures of myself so you can look at them.

Oh- I changed my profily picture because I thought you might like to see me in something that isn't a bikini, and also because its jauary and a bikini is simply not sensible. That picture was taken last summer while I was running in the warehouse district near my house. That was about the time I decided to toss the bangs. I'm so glad I did.

Right. Off to something more entertaining and less, visual.

AGxx

Postscript. Sorry about the Katy Perry Lyric. It was the only one that came to mind that didn't involve Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock or that terrible Photograph song. I'll do better next time.

I Walk Alone

So, I'm in a mood. I want to write, but I'm finding nothing but that solid brick wall that most of us in the profession lovingly refer to as "writer's block." To be honest, to me it sounds like somthing hard to bang your head against to shake the ideas loose. It is not. Its more like a huge void of nothing that comes off the blank page and threatens to swallow you whole, churning you in a ceaseless washer that scrubs your brain blank and sings a song that sounds something like this: "you suck, you suck, you suck, give up, give up, give up." Now, the appropriate response of any true writer is to buckle down and write anyway, telling that nasty washer to go eff itself.

I'm trying to do that. I really am.

So I'm hanging out here, in my little plastic castle, and trying to think of what exactly I want to do with the blank page next. Until that time comes, I'm blogging, because blogging is writing, even if it isn't my novel, and honestly, as long as I keep writing, I keep reminding myself that there is a book to be written and I won't forget about it. I've even left myself a helpful little post-it right below where my eyes go at the bottom of the screen reading "write damnit!"

I'll write.

Until then, here we are. You get useless bits of nothing that I may or may not do something with if the moment presents itself.

A collection of random thoughts to follow...

Did you ever look at someone in the reflection of the light of the television and suddenly see them in a completely distoted or strange way? I'm actually a firm believer in not having a television in the bedroom for this reason. I used to, in fact, for most of my adult life I did. Now I do not, and I'm glad for it. Likewise, I do not have a computer in my bedroom. Right now that has more to do with the fact that we don't have room and I don't have a laptop. But I think I'd like to keep it that way. Despite the fact that sometimes I would very much like to have all of my playlists at my fingertips ends in the bedroom, I'd like to keep the bedroom from ever being associated with work, and lets face it, if I am ever a successful writer, I'm going to associate the computer with work.

I've been dying for spring weather lately. I think this is a result of the warmer weather we've been having, but its strange for me. I generally don't care for warm sunny weather. I like the milder, cloudier fare most days. Even in the spring and summer I am more likely to enjoy a rainy day than I am to enjoy a sunny one. Chalk that up to my fair complexion or my aversion to being hot, I'm not sure...However, as of late, there isn't much more that I want than a soft quilt, some thick, green grass and a mild sunny day in the upper seventies. I want to grab some water, a cooler stocked full of berries and cheese and fresh bread and a good book. I want to take off my shoes and prance through the grass in a way that I'm sure rather indicates that I am unused to running barefoot through it, but wouldn't be averse to getting used to the feeling of it at all.

I want a pair of leather pants. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking about this earlier in the day. I have no where to wear them, I don't go clubbing anymore, and god knows what I would wear with a pair of leather pants, but I do want a pair. I nice, tight, tailored pair. Black, I think. This is probably a compulsion brought on by an odd bout of admiration for my own body, I'm not sure. Every now and again I'll get itno a mood and think I'm pretty cute. I wouldn't even say I feel that way now, but I like my legs pretty well and I think they'd look cute in a pair of leather pants.

I've realized Ihaven't posted any new pictures of myself here or on facebook in a while, and I keep thinking I might need to do that. If only for my own peace of mind, because honeslty, I'm rather sick of looking at old pictures of me that really look nothing like me anymore. In thinking of this, I also remember that I was looking at a picture taken of me on Kitten and I's honeymoon thismorning, and my hair was only just past my shoulders. In two years its reached down the center of my back. I keep wondering when I'm going to cut it, but every time Ifeel the compulsion I remind myself that I look like Harry Potter with short hair and if I cut it any length between my shoulders and where it is now, I'll just be bitter I cut it. So it keeps growing. Of course, I live in fear of having that long hair that most people look at and think "that looks gross, why doesn't she cut it or do something with it" so I have to make sure it looks nice when I am wearing it down, which isn't often given I work so much. In the mornings, nothing is more daunting than the thought of taking the time to blow dry my hair and straiten it before I go to work. I just don't like getting up that early. Most days, its in a bun. I should probably change that, since it makes me look like a rather mousy, if severe librarian.

I'm really vain.

We've been batting around the idea of where we would like to go on vacation next year, and it was looking like we were going to go dog sledding, but then the idea of a dude ranch came up and that does sound rather fun. Also, I know more about how to ride a horse than I do about how to make a dog pull a sled. Educational, both...but what would be more relaxing? Of course, I would be delighted to take off and go back to Portland, but since we're planning on moving there, it seems more like I shouldn't choose that as a vacation desitnation again. Of course, I think going to the grand canyon would be fun. I love the idea of Hawaii but that involves planes and me risking getting poisoned by fish at every restaurant we eat at, so maybe not. I also want to go backto Disney world, but lets face it, I should probably save that one for our 5th or 10th anniversary. (By the way, random thought, did you know Kodak is filing for bankruptcy? They print all the disney maps...) So, no certain answer there. Honestly, I think I could probably justlet the girls decide and be happy wherever we go.

Yeah...so that's some of the silly things running through my head at the moment. Nothing important, or terribly literary I'm afraid.

There's some images I've been batting around in my head, though whether or not they're meant for writing or just because I'm the way I am I'm unsure of.

I like the thought of hands. The fingertips especially. In my mind I see a pair of hands playing together, trasing eachother. I see one set of fingers pinching the tips of the others, before folding softly into the other hand. I like the curve of the ends of the finger, the way the nails look on a pair of hands that have been roughened by work. I like hands that aren't entirely soft, but rather ones that are textured and have character. I like the look of hands at work ,whether they are on a computer or doing something more tactile. I like the way they look. I like how they make me feel. Of course, the thought of the hand and the fingers make me think of touching, not in a sexual way, but rather just as a way of communication, of telling someone you are there, that you love them, that you know they need you, or that they are special and important in some way.

i've been obsessed with smiles lately. I like the curve of lips. I like how a smile can mean so many things. I like that one smile can mean love, when the other one might mean disdain or mocking. I like the idea of a smile communicsating more than just happiness, but understanding, compassion or humor. I like how people smile differently. Some smile with their teeth, some smile with one side of their mouth only. Some never show teeth at all. I like how a set of full lips thins out when a person smiles, or how a set of thin lips becomes almost nothing but a pale pink line. Yes, smiles are nice indeed...

Oh, my, I do know how to ramble don't I?

I think I've hit upon something though, so I must run out on you, and find my ramble elsewhere...

By the by...if there's ever anything you would like me to write about, an emotion, a feeling, an experience...anything really, I'm always looking for fodder for a good story...

AGxx

I'm Determined to Survive on this Shore

So I promised some writing, and its likely that's coming, but Ithought I'd put a little mention to you about my book I'm writing first.

So, I got this crazy idea in my head to write (another) lesbian novel about five months ago. I got a good start on it, and I'm enjoying the characters immensly. The concept is I have two lesbians that hate eachother stranded on an island together in a Survivor type reality show. Its fun, I promise.

I was thinking earlier about how I needed to get back to writing on it, seeing as how I should have finished the damn thing by now. I popped open my Word file, and I reread part of it to get me back in the mood. I was excited, I was ready...then I realized I am in depserate need of some research. So I'm off in the world of learning about the tropics right now, and not doing any writing so to speak of. I could research later, but lets be honest, since I have to do it, I might as well do it now and get it over with.

I'm thinking I am going to have to aquire some books on the subject to be conversant about it, and I'm off hunting for those shortly. In the mean time did you know:

If you burn coconut husks at a cmolder it repels mosquitos?
If you burn the stinging part off of nettle, you can eat it? (The stinging part hurts, trust me on this one)
Plantains can be used to treat muscle soreness if you soak them, but the seeds are a laxative?
Green bamboo will explode in a fire?
Almond trees grow in most tropical locations?
Tropical days have equal length of day and night?
Fish from reefs are more likely to be poisonous?

I did not know these things until tonight.

Its amazing the things you're forced to learn when you decide to write a book.

Lets hope my characters make it out okay. Its looking like I would be dead in the water.

AGxx

Your Bones Have Been My Bedframe

After that last, most pathetic post, I suppose I ought to give you and update, eh?

I made it through Sunday. Actually, I was pretty proud of myself. I managed to get through the workday in one peice and prove myself useful. I admit, though, by the time four rolled around I was more than ready to go home. I crashed out. Monday wasn't any better. Actually, it was worse, truth be told. I went home sick. Its the first time in years that I can recall going home sick from work with something that didn't have anything to do with my headaches.

I did get to work early, and I got the store open. I took four tables before my replacement was able to get there. I was so very thankful when she did. I had spent most of my morning in the bathroom throwing up, and that's no way to be when you're in a restaurant. I tried really hard to pull it together and be brave. I don't know that I succeeded, but I tried and for me, that's what counts.

When I got home I tried to eat a little bread and some spaghetti. That didn't work, really. I passed out on the couch, because I was frankly too tired to move into the bedroom and I wanted to have one of the girls close to me if I needed them. While I was asleep Hedgewitch came by and brought some tea for me to drink which is supposed to help with colds and flus.

I managed to get dinner down, sort of. I had roast beef and potatoes and green beans. I managed some strawberries and peaches. Everything tasted awful, truth be told. I have a really sensitive palate and when I'm sick everything tastes weird. I swore the peaches were fermenting, turns out it was just the sugar they were soaked in. Ah, well.

I set myself back up on the couch and sort of stared into space for a while. Kitten gave me a massage and tried to get all the tension out of my back and neck. All the throwing up and sneezing and coughing was giving me a headache on top of everything else. I finally relaxed enough to maintain a text conversation with Flyguy for a while. I fell asleep in the living room floor, which was the most comfortable place I could find to rest.

I remember I had a phone call from one of my new coworkers who wanted to know if I wanted to smoke hookah with her. It was late, I think. After I passed on the offer, for obvious reasons, I drug myself off to bed and fell asleep. I woke up when my fever finally broke.

This morning I was up by seven and feeling way better than I have in days. I've been resting. I try to eat as much as possible, although that's not terribly much, because everytime I eat I feel sick to my stomach. At least I'm not still throwing up, right? My best hope is by tomorrow I'll be feeling almost normal and I can enjoy at least one of my two days off.

My accomplishment today was I bathed and I got dressed. Tomorrow my goal is to get out of the house and do something, anything, that isn't lay around. I'll get bored and sickly again if I keep laying around watching special features on all of my DVDs. Watching television for too long always makes me feel like crap. Its part of the reason I'm here at the computer, boring you with tales of me being sick. It gets me off the couch, if only for a little while.

I'll probably follow this post with some sort of nonsense, since I actually feel like writing. If I were smart, I'd apply all this listless energy to my book. I should get on that, you know...

We'll see. The cold dark months are coming, though you couldn't tell since we're back in the 60's today. Once the snow hits, I'll want to be writing all the time. I know, because I spend most winters with my fingerless gloves on at the computer writing. Here's to hoping this year I produce something worth selling.

I'm signing off for now. Stay tuned for some nonsensical drivel, and hopefully no more boring health updates.

AGxx

Will the Raindrops Sting My Eye? I Keep Them Closed

The last three days have sucked. Seriously. I don't expect today to be much better.

I'm sick.

now before you start laughing at me, I should point out, I never get sick. I was joking yesterday that the reason I'm able to make peace with the fact I have such awful headaches is because I don't have a crummy immune system. Its pretty true, actually. Working in restaurants means I'm exposed to sick people all the time. Customers come in sick because they're inconsiderate. Coworkers come in sick because they need the money badly enough that they can't afford not to work. Most the time we want them to go home, but how do you say "hey- you have the sniffles, go home" to someone who won't make their rent if you do? Its tough.

Most the time, I don't catch any of that stuff. I remember when H1N1 was such a big deal we had five different employees catch it. We had a whole slew of other staff members with the regular flu. I didn't so much as sneeze that whole season.

So why now? I've had a cough and a runny nose for three days now. It came out of nowhere. i've pushed enough meds that its moved out of my chest and into my head, but still...its torturous to have to run to the back every fifteen minutes to blow my nose. My coworkers keep asking me what's wrong because I look like I've been crying my eyes are so red. I can hardly focus I've got so much medicine in my system. What kills me is that no one I am close to on a regular basis has this thing. If Kitten or Oscelot or Flyguy or Hedgewitch had this I'd understand. But they don't.

So why I am sick?

I think my body has broken trust. I'm not supposed to get sick like this since I have migraines.

Who do I report this violation to? Seriously.

On the other hand, I suppose I can be thankful. I only have two more days until I'm off. I'm looking forward to a ton of hot tea, some blankets and a pillow. I've been running low on sleep. I had a really long weekend at work, and while I enjoy the priveledge, I do wish I could have had it without the sniffles. Today I go into work early to do the liquor inventory and bartend. Tomorrow I probably lunch close, since I do that most Mondays. So two more long days before I get a break.

I can only hope that my customers are kind and generous. I hope they pity me. Seriously. Because I'm not going to make a dime like this.

Well, I'm off to pack up the dayquil and theraflu to take to work with me. Say a prayer for my sanity.

I can do this.
AGxx