Losing My Religion

Today, in case you weren't aware, is Saturday February 25. If you do the math, that means that Tuesday of this last week was the 21 of February, the day before Ash Wednesday. Yeah, Mardi Gras. You know, the big holiday where you go out and get wasted and show your breasts for lots of cheap plastic beads. (Incidentally, what is it men do to get beads?)

Anyway, the reason I feel like it is important to point out that Tuesday was Mardi Gras was because our city is having it sAnnual Mardi Gras pub crawl tonight. Now, in case you aren't familiar with the concept of a pub crawl, the basic idea is that a group of nightclubs in the same area all get together and decide that for one night, you can buy a bracelet (usually at a rediculously inflated price) and it will get you into all the clubs instead of you having to pay for each individual one. The idea, I suppose, is that since there's a holiday or something fun to celebrate, you might want to go to more than one bar to get drunk. This is usually paired with a lot of drink specials so that you, literally, by the end of one night "crawl" from one location to the next.

Our town has a pub crawl about every other month or so. We celebrate every thing from HAlloween, St. Patricks Day, Mardi Gras and other big holidays to things like "Dead Day" which is the last day the colleges have to study before finals begin. A great idea, if you ask me, getting wasted right before taking finals..I digress. I'm not a huge fan of pub crawls. I could go on for days about why. I won't. I'll simply get to the main point of this post...or the kickng off point for this one, anyway. The Mardi Gras pub crawl is tonight. Tonight. Four days after the beginning of Lent.

If you're Catholic, or familiar with the concept of Lent, or you've seen 40 Days and 40 Nights, you know that beginning with Ash Wednesday you go through a period of self denial until easter. This usually involves dietary restrictions such as no meat on the weekends and also "giving up" something that you would normally have (I have friends who have chosen everything from coffee to sweets to smoking) as a for of growing closer to God spiritually by denying things you would normally have on a day to day basis. While I don't personally agree with the concept, I understand it. Mardi Gras, then, (Fat Tuesday in French) is the night before all this begins, where you indulge in all your vices one last time before the Lenten season.

So why, some one explain to me, is my terribly culturally unaware city having a Mardi Gras celebration AFTER Lent has already started? They've done this three years running now, and I can't fathom it. Why can't they do it the weekend before? Anyone who goes to the pub crawl tonight is going to be violating the precepts of Lent. Isn't that sort of backwards from the whole concept of Mardi Gras? I mean, I understand that most people who go tonight aren't Catholic. We don't live in a heavily Catholic area. We're more of an Assembly of God and Baptist area. But still...it got me thinking about how much it annoys me, the perversion of religion, and religious holidays, and holidays in general for that matter, in this area of the country.

I spoke last week about how much Valentines Day irritates me. I mean, St. Valentine was a martyr. Yes, he did become the patron saint of married couples and relationships, but somehow I don't see the holiday as we celebrate it now as particularly in keeping with his Martyrdom. St. Patricks Day, another pub crawl holiday in my area, is another one where religiously, we're celebrating the patron saint of Ireland. I get that now we're really celebrating Irish culture, and yes, Lenten restrictions are lifted for this holiday as a way of celebration, but I think a bunch of American college students dressing like leprochans and drinking green beer until they pass out is rather missing the point. Do these kids even know what the wearing of the green is? Do they know where they could find the blarney stone? Do they even know anything about Irish history? I somehow doubt it...

I could go on for days about Cinco de Mayo too. Of course, working in a mexican restaurant, I work this holiday every year. Every year some new kid asks me what Cinco De Mayo means. Outside of its literal translation, the answer they are most given is that its Mexican Independence. Not true, actually. That's on September 16. Its actually the celebration of the Mexican's unlikely defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla, which is only celebrated in that reigon, and in the United States. Cinco is actually more of an american holiday, and one that is more a reflection of our southwestern and southern roots than anything, although you couldn't convince all the idiots wearing sombreros and drinking margaritas of that...

I suppose I find myself frustrated because I think that one, these holidays are pointless and two, for people who might actually find meaning in them, its a huge insult. I hate the perversion of religion in any sense, and as a person who doesn't normally celebrate "traditionally" celebreated holidays in the US I find it especially irritating. People, as a general rule, have no idea what most of my holidays are, and they aren't celebrated, Halloween being the notable exception. Halloween, of course, is a completely different thing to me than it is to 90% of the US population, and I find that insulting. I can't help but think that these other holidays have got to get on the nerves of some other people as well. Of course, holidays in general irritate me.

I'm not particularly eloquent today, but I'll do my best to explain myself.

Christians, as a general rule, have a set amount of holidays they celebrate. Now, I could go on for days about the perversion of those holidays by the church itself, but lets let that go. I can allow for freedom of choice in religion, and if they want to celebrate the birth of Jesus in December when its actually more likely he was born in summer, I can let it go. A lot of pagans wouldn't because there's a direct history there with regards to my holidays, but that's something that I'll mix into the argument a bit and we'll live and let live. What does irritate me is that Christian holidays are so commercialized.

If you're celebrating the birth of your religions main god figure, it seems like this would be somethign more reverant than what its become. I mean, yes, there are some beautiful church services, music and retellings of the story that go on. I am all for that. Storytelling, music and ritual are a huge part of my religion too, and I think you could stretch and say most religions. But then there's the gift giving and the reindeer and the tree and the fat elves that have nothing to do with the Christian holiday. Actually, the reindeer, the tree (and the decorations on it) and the elves is part of my religion, and part of my winter holiday Yule. And it does serve a purpose in my religion. But for Christians? I don't think it does?

When you decorate your tree, do you know why you put bulbs on it? I do...blbs are traditionally red and yellow and orange...the colors of the sun. They're put there, on a LIVE tree I might add, to entice the sun back during the cold months. Did you know that? Did you know pagans actually bring in a living tree and keep it alive all winter before replanting it in the spring as a way or showing reverence to the earth? Yeah, cutting a tree down is bad juju in my religion. I don't know how that got started. The candies and popcorn and berries that go on the tree? They're put there to feed the elves and fairies living inside it. True story. And the candles (which we're replaced with LED lights not) are a symbol of the warmth of the coming months, and are there to keep those fairies and elves happy and thinking of the spring. Its like a photo of home for them.

I could go on and on about mistletoe and peppermint and snowflakes. But lets face it, I'm not dogging Christians for incorporating these things into their celebrations. If it has a religious meaning for you, go for it. These things are now all a part of the Christian holiday. That's fine with me. What does irritate me is that so many people are unaware of what their religious holidays and symbols mean. If the candy cane is a sheperds staff to you, awesome. Use that symbol and celebrate. I don't care what shape it is so long as its peppermint. The cool and the heat are there to remind me that the cold months are followed by warmth. That symbol works for both os us, so lets share it.

I don't mind sharing. But being unawre of what your religion means is what really sets me on edge. I live in a really conservative part of the US. I'm trying to fix that, but in the meantime, I know that its okay for me to be tolerant of other people's religion. And honestly, I try to be educated about the religions around me, because I want to be respectful. I know how and why Purim (Jewish holiday) is celebrated. I understand, better than most Christians, the meaning behind all the big Christian holidays. I respect them. I truly do. But I think sometimes they don't.

I have to mention here, my wonderful sister in law Cat and her husband Brother, are devout Christians. I really admire them. They practice their faith with diligence and discretion. Their wedding was beautiful. And they are good, honest, kind people who are excellent examples of what I think a Christian really ought to be. I know that we hve differences. What I love isthat they areso respectful. Cat never tells me I'm going to hell because I married her sister. She might be concerns (hell, I don't know, we've never broached the subject) but I think what is important to her is that I love Kitten and that her sister and I live a moral and upright life according to our religion. And I appreciate the fact that because she didn't know a lot about our faith, she took the time to learn. She asked questions. She asked about books she could read. She didn't make assumptions. And you know, despite the fact that I know she probably doesn't agree with my faith, she's respectful to us, and she is always concientious about wishing us well on our holidays, which means a lot to me. She could have assumed we spend all our nights dancing naked around a fire and killing animals for blood sacrifice to worship the devil. Instead, she listens, she learns and she's willing to be kind to us about it which is a refreshing change.

As much as I bitch, I am pretty lucky. Mr and Mrs Boss are alwys good about making sure I have at least the night of all my holidays off, which most places wouldn't do, since technically, Wicca isn't a recognized religion in the US. (Paganism is, but that's rather an umbrella term for a lot of stuff) They respect my faith and the need for me to take time to be with my spiritual guides. Of course, it works for all of us that my holidays are not usually on the same ones as tehirs, because I can work them. But my coworkers have a lot of respect for me, and that's uncommon. I know I got lucky. And for the most part, I think its interesting to see how they have a modicum of faith in what Ido, which might explain why religions get so mixed up in this part of the country, which raises my ire sometimes.

When someone at work is sick, or hungover, or is having period cramps or whatever, they'll take whatever I give them. It might be a nasty tea or a smoothie blend designed to make them feel better. But they take it. No questions. Because they know I'm good at what I do, its part of my faith and it works. It always works, that's the trick. Mrs Boss jokes I could poison the whole staff because they'll drink anything I give them. I wouldn't, but she's right. I've had people who have asked me to do spell work for them, or cast natal charts for them. I've done tarot readings and auric readings. And my coworkers don't treat me like I'm a travelling gypsy or a freak show. They always ask about the mechanics of what I do, and how its important to my faith. Most of them have done their research. In return, I do my research for them. If I cast a spell for a coworker, I use a ritual for them that involves their incarnation of diety. Because I respect that they may not have the same belief in god as I do, so I try to make sure that this is a prayer (because that's what spellwork really us) that works for them. They have to believe it, and mean it, and praying to your own god is what works. Not praying to someone else's.

I think its that mixing of religion that somehow ends up working its way into other holidays. I mean, yes, do I know that its partly the result of maneuverings by the Catholic church that most major Christian holidays occur on our near solstices? Yep, I sure do. And politics of it aside, I don't care. Easter for them is Easter no matter when they celebrate it. So its fine by me. What makes me angry is when someone accuses me of stealing their religious holidays and perverting them for pagan purposes.

Bullshit. Oastara (yeah, sounds like easter doesn't it?) our spring holiday, or the big one anyway, is close to Easter. But, I hate to say this, the bunnies, the eggs- those are ours. Hell, all that pink and yellow and pale blue you wear? That's ours too. You see, colors have meaning in my religion, and when you dress your daughter in a frilly yellow and pink and lavender dress to go to church, she's wearing the colors of my holiday. She's a symbol of rebirth, flowers, and sunlight. Like I said, you want to use those symbols? Cool.

I once saw a trick with an easter egg that told a story, it had dogwood flowers and a nail in it. Some other stuff too. It was awesome. The egg represented (once opened) the rebirth of Jesus through the empty tomb. The dogwood flowers were for the crown of thorns on his head. The nail represented his death on a Roman cross. It was beautiful. I liked it and I think its awesome that Christians are finding ways to bring meaning to the pagan symbols that have over time become incorportated into their religion, like it or not. But I'd be angry if someone told me that those were the original meanings.

You can't convince me that there were dogwoods in the middle east in ancient times and that's what his thorn crown was made of. Ask an anthropologist, or hell, a botanist. In my religion, eggs are a symbol of fertility. Dogwoods are used for protective magic and for wish magic. I'd tell you that Iron is a symbol of protection in my religion. It drives away death. In Ireland they would drive nails into food and plans to prevent death and disease from entering a house. You can even use it for healing purposes. Speak not of all the uses of nails in Voudon and Hoodoo, which I could go on about for days. Even rust on a nail has meaning for us.

I could go on for weeks about the perversion of Halloween by Christians and the media and commerical groups, but I won't. You tell me if you want a post about that and maybe I'll save it for another day. Suffice to say, the symbols that I use for Halloween have been perverted by people, and almost no one truly understands what that holiday is really about for witches. Ask me why we use pumpkins for jack o lanerns and I'll tell you we used to use turnips and why. Ask me why we put candles in them. As me what a cauldron is for. Or a bat. Do you know? Because most people don't.

I'm running long, and maybe wandering from the point. The point is, triggered by all this post-Mardi Gras Mardi Gras madness, I get really irritated at the total and complete lack of disrespect people have for religion- both for tehir own and for other people;s. I hear over and over (especially dring this election season) that we're a country founded on religious principles. What kills me is most people don't even know what those principles are. They don't care. What they care about it what they get to do what they want, when they want, and then stumble into church with a hangover and get god to forgive them for wht they've done. Or they don't believe in god at all (totally cool, again ,your call) and they feel like that gives them the right to disrespect every religion. I don't think that's right. I think that there's a total and complete lack of respect for cultures and history that belies the fact that we, as Americans, are supposed to be open minded, educated people. We aren't.

I may respectfully disagree with some of the other religions I run into, but I respect them, that's the point. I may not undersand every religious holiday I come across, but I try. And that's really what I'm getting at. If you want to celebrate Mards Gras, and you aren't Catholic then go ahead. Torture yourself by giving up stuff for Lent. But party on Fat Tuesday, take time to think about what Ash wednesday means to you. Do your penance for your sins and talk to god when you feel weak. That's a beautiful thought. Maybe you will get closer to god. I'll be happy for you if you do.

But do me one favor, eh?

Skip the damn pub crawl tonight.

AGxx

I Think I'm Moving But I'm Going Nowhere

I was rereading one of the posts I wrote a while ago. You know, the one where I told you all about my vacation when I was little girl to St. Louis? I was really suprised to see that on the list of blogs that was read the most often. I suppose those little snippets are the things that make me who I am, aren't they?

Other things I think you might be interested to know...

I want to learn how to surf. I'm a good swimmer, and a pretty good body surfer. I think I could surf without a lot of trouble. I found out from someone the other day that its pretty odd that I'm a strong swimmer when i'm in free flowing water, because I always wear shoes, like tennis shoes, when I swim. I like to protect my feet. If I'm not in a pool, the shoes go on...anyway, I think I could do it. You know, there's a program in Disney World where they teach you to surf in that giant pool at their water park. Perfect waves every time. If I could figure it out there, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out other places.

I've never been water skiing. I don't know how. In fact, I've never been on a pair of skis period. I think I'd like snow skiing better, even though I don't care for the cold (you know that, don't you? I have blankets everywhere in the house...proof enough. I'm wearing one right now. Its red plaid and lined with lambs wool). something about the prospect of falling off the skis and breaking every bone in my face deters me from water skiing, though we have lakes enough around here I could learn. I have no upper body strength. You know that. I think I could ski on snow, though. That seems more like a leg strength thing. I could do that. My legs are strong.

I'm going to go camping this summer, and take Oscelot on her first float trip. I love to float, although I don't hold with the whole fishing while you float thing. I remember my ex used to do that and it drove me crazy.

I hae a strange compulsion to match my underwear and bras. This is a recent thing. I didn't do it before I started seeing Kitten. Now its almost an obsession. Did you know that she was the one who got me hooked on Victoria's Secret? Now I won't wear anything else. That's what I got for my birthday, new bras and some underwear. I got black and white bras...so I could finally match them to most of the stuff I own. Now I want a whole lot more white underwear because i like how light and friendly it looks when I wear it.

I actually keep photos of myself on my phone. Its like a self esteem boost. Some days, when i feel completely ugly, i'll get them out and have a look at them and remember there are times when i can be, even in my own mind, an incredibly sexy woman. I like that feeling, like there's still some sort of mystery to me that even I haven't figured out. It seems like its something someone else will have to find, and the process of discovery makes me feel more real.

Do you ever think of things that you can't recall why you remember them? Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night and think of these things and I can't escape them and they drive me crazy. Its always something odd, too. I'll remember riding the electric train at the mall that closed down in town when I was a little girl, or I'll think of when I was singing on our honeymoon and how I could have done better, and I run it through my head until I want to scream. Sometimes I'll think of odd things, like an outfit I had that made me feel really beutiful, or the way it feels when I'm dancing, and I'll get completely lost in that moment.

Sometimes its things that I don't want to think about, and those nights are awful for me. I toss in bed and stare at the ceiling and sing earwormy songs to myself in an attempt to chase those sights out of my head. If it doesn't work, i'll try other things, like getting a drink of water, or having a cigarette, or writing...Truth is, most the time it doesn't work and I find myself wishing I could pick up my phone and call and have the comfort of being told there's nothing wrong with me, that everyone has those moments. Everyone feels that way sometimes. But I don't know that.

Do you ever feel like the past is completely inescapable, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever lay in bed and think of how hard you have worked to be something compeltely different than what you think you are, but you feel like you're failing? Probably not, huh? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who runs forward and pushes for more and new and different things and gets them, and then still feels the past creeping up behind them like a shadow.

When I was a little girl I remember I used to play with Hedgewitch in my grandmother's yard. We'd pretend we were faries and we would call ourselves after flowers. Is it any suprise I chose Rose? Is it odd that now I have them all around my house? But you wouldn't know that, because you haven't seen it. I have a gorgeous arbor and a white picket fence now. I have roses all the way around my house and I swear I'm going to wrap them around the hedges too. I want to train them to climb all over the arbor and if I can convince Kitten, up the sides of the house. I love them so much. I want them in every color and every variety. The smell of them makes me so happy, and the feeling of their petals under my fingers in soemthing that, to me, is both comforting, and exhilirating and almost erotic all at the same time.

I remember the first time I had a ruben sandwich. I had no idea what it was. I was at a birthday party at an ice cream parlor. Maybe you remember them, they were called Shauncy's? We had one in the mall too, back when there was still a carosel, fountains and a decent arcade there too. It was awful! I remember the sharp sour taste and how it filled up my nose and how it burned my throat. i've never been fond of rubens...

I do love chineese. I remember when I was little my Grandmother would go get it from one of the local restaurants and bring it home. Its over by where Cardins used to be...although I don't suppose you would know where that's at. Its on the north side of town, far from where most of the nice restaurants are. Its still there...its a hole in the wall and I think I'm the only person who likes to eat there...of my aquaintances that it. Anyway, she would get friend wontons and she hates the meat part in the center, but I always liked them. She would tear out the centers and give them to me. To this day its still my fvorite part of the wonton, even though i'll eat the crispy part now.

All the way from childhood through high school I would wake up late at night at my grandparents and I would creep into the kitchen. I remember a lot of nights my grandpa would be up, and he always like to have ice cream at night. I'd sit and split a carton of strawberry with him. Its my favorite flavor to this day, and I have to have the kind with real strawberries in it, or its just not right. I remember after Imoved back in to my grandparents house I would do the opposite, almost. Of course, by this time, my grandpa had passed, but I was 18 or so, I suppose, just finishing my first semester in college, the first time. i would stay up late with my Gran on the nights that I stayed in, and we would sit and have cocktails together. I remember, my grandmother favors vodka or schnapps and OJ. I'm a fan of rums and whiskeys. Or I was at the time. I suppose I still am. When I go out I usually have a rum drink.

The night I ran back into Kitten I remember I drank Southern Comfort with diet and a lime twist. I was drinking miller light bottles when I was having beer. I suppose my tastes have changed a bit since then. Although I remember we used to go to Brick Wall Bar, which has moved since then, and we'd buy a couple buckets of beer and drink them. As little as I drink now, I wonder how we survived those nights.

We played poker the other night. We taught Shorty, Hedgewitch and Shyguy how to play follow the queen. I think its still ym favorite poker game. My luck is still terrible. You know, I've only been to a casino once, and it was for a concert? I've never gambled in a casino. Do you think I still have beginners luck? I have no idea...

There you go. That's a bunch of things you probably didn't know about me before now. At least, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned them.

After all this time, I still want to be loved for the hot mess I am. I think I deserve that. I think you could love me. If you wanted to.

AGxx

My Baby's Got a Secret

I want to know your secret. I see it. Every day. In the corner of your mouth, in your eyes, in the curve of your hips, in the skin on your hands. Some nights I lay in bed and I ponder, how deep does it go? How far could I reach before you stopped me?

I think of you. And I worry about me and you and how we feel when we touch. Is it warm for you? Does it feel hot like it does to me? Your secret is electric and I'm wired for another taste of it. I like the shock. I like the thrill. I like the speed at which you race through me.

I'm restless tonight and its all your fault. I'll stay up late, wondering how you feel. Wondering what you would do if I told you just how good it is when you're close to me. Would you try to steal my breath, just to hear me gasp? I think you would, because I would if I were you.

How deep could I go? How far would I be willing to reach before I pulled away? You lock yourself up tight. I see you in your tower and I think of you and a white horse and how I want to ride away with you on the back of it with your hands around my waist. You're wrapped up in red gauze and I want to pull it away and see you the way you are when no one is looking.

I think I share your secret. I think I know where it lies. I think I could take it and run my hands through it and know that you and I are more alike than we'd either one like to admit. You and I are running on the same plane, to the same place, and we race like there's no one else in the world who sees us. We're bound up together and I can feel you all around me.

But I've spotted you and I think you see me coming. I can hear it in your breath and I can feel it in the air. I've got eyes like a cat in the dark and I'm looking for the place you hide.

Feeling Your Heartbeat

A snippet of my day at work...

So I put my hair in sponge rollers last night. Anyone who grew up in the eighties knows what I'm talking about. Well, I rolled them a little too tightly, and I woke up this morning with curls so short they made it look like I had cut my elbow length hair to my shoulders. I threw a bandanna on my head and high tailed it to The Devil's Warehouse to pick up some stuff to hopefully arrange my hair when I got to work (with the help of my boss Stalin). I had hopes of the curls falling looser once I had some time to leave it alone. No luck. I ended up rinsing my hair out in the sink in the bathroom and pulling it into a bun. Not nearly as glamorous as I had hoped.

I was crushed. I had hoped to look pretty today, I was having one of those "I need a self esteem boost" days. Yeah..not so much. I ended up nearly in tears, because I'm super vain. Flyguy did his best to comfort me. He told me he thought it had looked pretty. I laughed with one of the girls, its the nice thing about men. They're usually pretty accommodating about telling you that you look okay if you're on the verge of a crying jag.

Cue my first round of customers, who were, in short, awful. I don't normally complain about my guests. I realize everyone has bad days and that sometimes that means that your waitress gets the short end of the stick...but a never ending line of them is terribly disheartening. I had a gentleman (who was terribly old) actually grab my arm to ask me something at just about my worst part of the morning. Anyone who knows me well will understand why I hate being touched by strangers, especially men I don't know. It was only this man's age and a supreme effot at self control that kept him from getting smacked or me screaming. I can't even explain the way it raised hair on my arm to have people I don't know touch me...

Anyway. About this time Kitten dropped by the store to grab a bite to eat and wait for a ride back to our place. Shorty was hosting, and she stopped off at the bar to snatch a couple cookies that Kitten brought in. We were chatting, and trying to keep me from having a panic attack (or Kitten was anyway). Suddenly, Waiting for Tonight by Jennifer Lopez came on the Ambience station that plays in our store. I looked at Kitten and jokingly asked if she wanted to dance. She laughed. We both know because of our store's PDA rules we couldn't even if we wanted to. I asked shorty if she wanted to dance. She told me no, she wasn't in a dancing mood. She more felt like petting Kitten. She was joking. Its hard to translate that kind of come-on to your wife joke into text, but it made me smile.

Then Flyguy wandered up and I asked him if he wanted to dance. As I had predicted to the girls, he did that hip shaking groove with your arms white boy can't dance thing he always does when I ask him that...We were giggling, then he burst into some serious hip thrusting movements that were very...Chippendale. Shorty piped up she could see him doing that in a tool-belt and we were all cracking up, and of course, the visual made Kitten and I blush. Shorty noticed it and gave me a hard time about it. Of course, that made me blush more...and I spent the rest of the afternoon joking with Flyguy about it.

Its things like that that get me through a rough workday. I've got some awesome coworkers. Rather, I should say, I'm lucky to work with people who I consider friends.

Frightening and amusing:

After we got off Flyguy and I ran to the gas station to pick up cigarettes for Shorty because she works all night and she was running out. While I ducked in Flyguy sat in the truck. When I came out he was wearing a cammoflage bandana that he found somewhere int he truck. I have no idea where he got it. If I were more a hostile person I'd wonder why he was digging in the truck, but honestly, I don't care. He comes over to our house enough that if he wanted to snoop and find something truly embarassing, he already would have. Here's the trouble- I had last used that bandanna for a hankercheif when I was sick earlier this month! Go on about how gross I am for leaving it in the truck, I honestly forgot about the damn thing and I'm not normally the one who cleans out the truck so...anyway. Iwas horrified. I plucked it off his head and told him he probably didn't want to be wearing it. Then I explained why. He grinned and said he wasn't worried, it didn't feel wet when he put it on his head.

Its one of the reasons I love him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure most of the other people I know would have been epically grossed out. hell, I was.

Come to think of it, Flyguy's getting a roommate. I should mention that now because I'll be interested to see if it effects how much time he spends with us, since its one of his other pals. Not that I don't want him to have friends, or whatever, but Ithink I've mentioned before I'm a jealopus person, and I might, just maybe, be worried he won't be around as often. I can't have that. I've been missing him too much lately anyway...Iam SUCH a girl sometimes.

In other news, I'm sure you've noticed, I added a few things and changed the layout here. I was getting sick of bubbles. Let's face it, if you got the "Plastic Castle" reference, the bubbles were cute, but if you didn't they might imply that I'm a bubbles kind of girl. Now, I may have plka dots on my bedroom walls, but bubbly really isn't the way I would describe my personality, so a bit of rearranging seemed required. Not to mention, I was sick of looking at it.

I also added a few features. If you're interested in seeing what people read the most frequently, and I always am, I have a rotating bar with the posts that are viewed the most often. There's some suprises in there. I also updated and moved a copy of my first post on this blog to the sidebar, so if you ever get confused with all the names and acronyms and such here, you'll have a chance to sort them out. Also, helpful, I think, for new visitors. Not that I have them all that often...

I added a few new folks to my blogroll too. Carley in Europe is a travel blog my friend Carley is writing. She's a very talented musician with her own record label. I love her to death. I met her through Perpet. We were both attendants at her wedding. Anyway, she's in interesting girl, and I thought it might be worth a share. Sara O is a stand up comic I know who is currently battling cancer. I linked up to her blog, which is ongoing, and shares her experiences as she goes through them. She's a tough and amazing woman, so definately go check her out and leave her some words of encouragement. Finally, I added Waiter Rant, which is the site that inspired the book. I finsihed reading the book recently and I loved it. Some of it was funny, a lot of it was insightful, but what struck me the most was it was such an accurate depiction of what happens to me and my coworkers on a day to day basis it was moving and sometimes a little bit depressing. You can hit any of his backlog on his blogroll and enjoy a very true accoutn of like as a waiter.

Well, that's me. I'm off to go work on some spellwork. Sakura's coming over. Its new moon. I need to be a productive witch.

Cheers, you lot. I love you all.
AGxx

You Can't Touch Me- Oh I Bet You Want Me Now

You look at me and you think you know what I want
You see me in my short skirts
With my hair down
And my eyes dark and glittering
And you think you know what I want

But I'm not so sure

Late at night I whisper
You know my secrets
You know my fears
And you see me culed up tight
to protect myself
And you think you know what I am

But I don't think you do

Tonight I want your eyes to glitter
just like mine
I want your hands to tangle in my hair
I want your breath on my neck
I want your whispers in my ear
Telling me your secrets

But I don't think you will

You hear me beg
And you listen to the sound of my voice
urgent and pleading
desperate and needy
And you think you know what I want

But you don't

I want your heartbeat against mine
The scent of your skin around me
The taste of your breath just
A hearbeat away
A moment, a wish
A second filled with everything

But I can't

You look at my legs
You see the way I wrap them tight in boots
Leather and cold metal
Like I could kick something hard
If I wanted to

And I do

Tonight I want safety
And the weight of you
Sleeping in my arms
I want your sighs
Your dreams
Your warmth
Your need

And I think I have it
Almost

You look at me as I rest
And you think that you know me
As I dream
As I walk
As I escape from all of this

And you might

Look closer at me
Look past the boots
Look past the skirts
Look past the longing and need
And see me

See what I am

A girl- frightened
A woman- confused
A cat- waiting to be caressed
A fury- waiting to strike
A storm- waiting to break

Wait and watch me

Comfort me tonight
Tell me its okay
Stroke me softy
Dodge the blow
Ride the storm

You might know me then
Maybe

Why Do All Good Things Come To An End?

So the month is more than half over and I've had relatively few posts, eh? I'm pretty sure February is trying to eat me. Don't worry, it won't, but that doesn't mean that it isn't trying, that's for sure.

Outside of that awesome flu I had, I've had a couple of headaches that threatened to go full throttle, and that's very frustrating considering I've been working on affirming I am a healthy and happy person. Kitten has gotten ill as well, and it pains me to see her sniffling and coughing the way she does. I've done the best I can, plying her with teas and extracts and all the things I can think of to make her feel better. We'd go to a doctor, but the truth is, they'll tell her to treat the syptoms because its a virus, and what's the point in paying $50 to have them tell you somethign you already know?

Valentines Day is over, thank goddess and all I will say about it is that despite my romantic nature, I'm glad we don't celebrate it. I worked on Vday and I think I saw more unhappy families and fighting couples than I do any other time of year. Its depressing, seriously. Besides, how do you make up to someone in one day all the love you have for them if you don't do it the rest of the year. Pull a Frank Sinatra, I say "Each day is Valentine's Day" Right?

Personal tragedy seems to keep striking at the people I love. My Gran is getting a stress test done sometime in the next week or so. She has been having more problems with her heart and her blood pressure. They've got her on some new medications but it irritates me that they haven't found a way to keep her healthy. I mean, I know doctors aren't miracle workers all the time, but it seems the least that they can do is not put her on two medications that do the same thing and make her sick because they take them together.

Outside of my life, a couple of my good friends are going through a lot. I won't air their problems here, but suffice to say, I am suffering with them. One of them is going through something I've never had to deal with as a friend before, and I truly feel lost at how to comfort her. I don't know. And Iworry. And I want to be a good friend. And then I think to myself that if I hover and annoy her I'm just going to push her away and I definately don't want to do that. And if you know me at all, you know I'm great at hovering. The other person has a lot of things on his mind, and of course, I worry about that too. That's the trouble, you see, with being as attached to your friends as I get. I love them so much I feel like I can rest for worrying about how they are. I know I shouldn't complain, they've got more on their plates than I do, but it still wrankles with me. Somehow, I feel like I should be able to fix everything. I can't. I hate that.

In good news, last week we did have a great get together. Hedgewitch made a turkey and she and her husband, Shyguy, came over. Then we invited two girls from Casa Bueno- Shorty and Spice, and they joined us. Of course, it was mentioned to Flyguy too, so we had quite a party on our hands. In fact, I had to borrow a banquet table from my grandmother and we all barely fit at it. It was a good time though. After we ate we played games, which was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed having my friends in the house. It made me happy. Later, after all the girls had bounced, I stayed up late talking to Flyguy, whom I haven't seen as much of lately, and it made me really happy to have some time to sit and chat with him. He's great for a conversation and he always seems to know what to say. Sometimes I think he may think he doesn't, and that its akward, but he does have the knack for changing the subject without making me feel stupid and he knows how to comfort me without making it seem trite. There aren't a whole lot of people out there who can do that. In fact, I can count them on one hand, and I think most of them read my blog on occasion. Well, with the exception of my wife, who doesn't, which makes me thankful. Its nice to have this place to myself every now and again.

Speaking of my wife, and Flyguy...so one of my coworkers is getting married. i love her to death and she's a good person. In fact, she's one of the very few people I invited to our wedding. Anyway, the girls and I were invited to her wedding and its Memorial Day weekend. Its not terribly likely that I'll get off for it and we know the girls won't be able to go. Outside of that, its in a city about three hours away. I hate driving by myself. I mentioned to her that I didn't know if I would be able to go because of it, and also (I said laughingly) I wouldn't have a date since Kitten had to work. She looked at me in suprise and said she assumed I was going to bring Flyguy.

I almost didn't know how to respond. I think I laughed, and said yes, he does clean up well. I was suprised though. I couldn't imagine any other married person I know going to a wedding without their spouse and bringing another date instead. I would never insult Kitten that way. Mention not that an overnight trip with Flyguy out of the city with him as my date to one of our coworkers wedding would do nothing to quell the rumors that he and I are sleeping together (or that he, Kitten, Oscelot and I are sleeping together- astounding isn't it?) Anyway, it suprised me. It also kind of jives with my prior post about how I think people see my relationship sometimes. Yeah...it was odd.

In other news, I have started reading, at Kitten's suggestions, the Warriors series by Erin hunter. I'm completely addicted. we're all reading some part of the series nwo, and its funny to me how we've allowed the book terminology to seep into our household language. We've already determined Squirt, our cat with a bum leg, would be a medicine cat. Anyway, if you're looking for a light, easy read, its a great series, and its not lacking in books to read for a while. It has completely hikajacked my reading list. I've even suggested it to some of my customers.

Two weeks from now we're headed out of town for a concert. In case you're curious, its not Brandi Carlyle for a change. Its actually for an artist called Katie Herzig, who opened for Brandi at a concert Kitten and I saw about two years ago. We loved her and this is the first chance we've had to go and see her preform again. I'm looking forward to it. Also, we get to stop by the city Kitten's sister lives in, which is good. We didn't get to see them for Christmas, and just found out she got a job offer in Wisconsin, which is quite far away from where we live. I'll be glad to see them before they move. I feel saddened that they won't be quite as close, but then, we're planning on moving to Portland OR and that's on the coast, so I have no room to complain, do I?

I spent most of the other morning I had off watching videos on Youtube. Actually, I've been a bit of a Youtube freak lately. I'm not normall on it, but this time...well. I got hooked watching Lady Gaga videos the other morning. I love her. I don't care who laughs at me, she's talented, beautiful and her songs are damn catchy. Of course, I also took the time to watch a couple of videos by David Guetta, and artist Flyguy introduced me to and whom I like very much. I also happen to like most of the videos, although I do agree with whomever it was that said he never really serves much purpose in his videos...

I got distracted the other night thinking about ballet, and the Oscleot and I spend the entire evening planted in front of the computer watching the BBC recording of the Royal Academy Ballet's 2009 rendition of The Nutcracker. I was spellbound. Its the first time in a long time I've been able to watch the ballet in its entirety. Also, there was a lot more conforming to the actual storyline of the ETA Hoffman novel, which I won't cover now, because I could talk about that for an eternity and a half and not shut up. Its on my list of books to acquire. When I was younger I had a fully illustrated copy of the nvoel in coffee table version and I don't know where it got to. Its actually the full novel, not the children's illustrated made for baby version without the gore and violence...anyway...see what I mean about talking about it forever? It was a delightful evening because I had pizza, and breadsticks, and hot tea and an evening of ballet while wrapped comfortably in my blanket. We get to go see The Memphis Ballet in three weeks and I am really excited about that too. We're going with Kitten's mom. Its going to be a good time. Also, I have an excuse to wear something pretty, which I never say no to.

I got to thinking about dance again the other day. Hedgewitch and I talked about it, and then Flyguy and I talked about it, and then I talked about it with Oscelot. I think there's some contemplation of taking Ballroom lessons, despite my objections that it could become and expensive hobby. Also, I should mention, Flyguy has not agreed to the scheme, only me and the ladies so far, hedgewitch included. I think Shyguy will do it. I know FG won't. He's too busy and he swears he can't dance. (Which is a lie I am pretty sure I could prove) I miss dancing a lot and I think its time for me to find some sort of outlet for it, because I can't go on being sad and missing the thing I love most. I can't. Well, its the "hobby" I love most, I suppose. The thing I love most is Kitten, isn't it?

That's my February so far in a nutshell. I can't think if there's anything else I've forgotten to mention, though heaven knows I'll remember the moment I hit publish. That's always the way, isn't it?

I'm probably only breaking for now so I can write something truly rediculous. But then, that would be a sign things we heading back to normal now, wouldn't it?

AGxx

Also, I might thank Swiss for the earworm which resulted in the title of this post. (I'm like you, friend, give me a depressing song and I'm hooked.) Although, it could be worse, I've had Marroon Five's "Moves Like Jagger" and that stupid "I love you like a love song baby" song stuck in my head for weeks now.

She's Not Really My Type, But I Think You Two Are Forever

I wanted to post about being in a triad. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Part of it is because my relationship, you might be suprised to know, is still a bit of a mystery to me. Part of it is because a lot of people make assumptions about my lifestyle because I have both a wife and a girlfriend and sometimes it annoys and confuses me. So I thought I would talk a little bit about it, if only to clear my own head and give you a bit more clarity.

I suppose the first thing that comes to mind when I think about our relationship is marriage. More specifically, my marriage. I married Kitten two and a half years ago. We're very happy and we have a strong relationship. I never question that, and sometimes I think other people do. They think we started dating Oscelot because we were lacking something, or we were unhappy. That certainly isn't the case. Some people think that maybe I have a lax attitude about marriage, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love Kitten more than my own life, and my union with her is important to me.

Kitten and I started dating Oscelot because we cared very much for her. We had talked seriously about it before we talked to her, and one of the things we had discussed was how it would affect our life together, our relationship. You might not know it, but Oscelot was our roommate before she started dating us, we had asked her to move in because we knew she was in a bad postition where she was living, she was unhappy and unhealthy. We were worried for her as a friend. The more time we spent with her the more we realized we cared for her, and we had to discuss with each other the impact she was having on our lives. It wasn't something we planned, falling in love with her. Had it happened any other way, had one of us been in love and not the other, we wouldn't have gone through with any kind of relationship. We would have been really careful not to hurt her, or put her in an akward place. Fortunately for all of us, that wasn't the case.

Communication is really important in a relationship like the one I'm in. I talk with Kitten about our feelings, and its important to me that she and I mantain a healthy, happy marriage that has nothing to do with Oscelot. Now, that may sound cold, but the truth of the matter is, Oscelot is young, younger than us, and she may not always want to be in a relationship with us. Its important that we think about our relationship to each other as well as our relationship to her.

Another thing that rather annoys me about the whole marriage issue is a lot of people assume that we're bigamists. We aren't. I remember a few months ago some of the girls talking about a show on TV that has bigamists on it, and how they wouldn't stand for their husbands having another wife, no offense to me. I didn't take offense because I don't think we're like that. I don't have a spiritual reason for having a girlfriend, and I don't think the motivation is the same. Moreover, it rather annoys me that most people assume at some point that Kitten and I will propose to Oscelot and marry her. I want tobe clear, I am already married. You only do that once. Its a lifetime commitment, and in my case, I believe its something that transcends this lifetime. I married Kitten because I want to be with her in every life, and I want my soul to exist with her when there are no more lives to be had.

The reason we haven't, and may or may not, make a binding commitment to Oscelot is because we aren't ready for that. I've known Kitten since I was 18. I know her heart like I know my own. I've only known Oscelot for a few years. That's not enough, if you ask me, to know whether or not someone should be with you for all eternity. More than that, and this is a rather touchy subject because its her business, is that Oscelot, because of her personal issues, has a lot of gowing to do. She has a lot of personality traits that may likely change. A few more years in therapy, growing and getting to know herself, and who knows who she'll be and how she'll feel. I hope we still care for her. I hope she still cares for us. But, as most of us know, people change and sometimes that change is not conducive to the maintenance of a relationship. If there were ever a time where we were to consider that, it would be a huge decision and its something that I (nor Kitten) would take lightly. Now, some might say that a commitment to her wouldn't have to be the same kind I have with Kitten, but I think that's really short sighted and unfair to Oscelot. If I am not willing to offer my partner everything, when I've already offered it to someone else, it doesn't say a lot about my view of them, or of commitment in general. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

I think there are a lot of people out there who think I'm not serious at all about any of my relationships. I had someone (whom I like very much, I might add) suggest in jest that since I am such good pals with Flyguy, maybe I could have him marry Oscelot and we could all four have a very happy life together. My jaw almost hit the floor. I know this person was joking, but in most jokes is a grain of truth and the truth is, I think a lot of people think I just play house. I think they assume that I have no regard for marriage as an institution, and that its a game to me. Certainly not the case, at all. Moreover, the thought of marrying someone I love to a good friend for the benefit of having some sort of happy communal household is almost laughable. I like Flyguy. Hell, I love him. He's a great person. But that doesn't mean I want him to marry my girlfriend, who incidentally (not that it matters) would be a terrible partner for him, not the least because she doesn't like guys.

It baffles the mind. Of course, I've had a reputation in the past at my job of being some sort of super diva in bed. I hear (and this is so not true) that I've slept with a great and many of my coworkers. If you count Rogue, I've actually slept with two, and that's because I worked with Oscelot for about a year. Wait- three- Perpet worked at Casa Beuno, though we weren't sleeping together when she did. Anyway. The thing is, because I like to hug, and hold hands; because I use pet names for the people I like and the people I care about; I've somehow fostered the idea I sleep with all of my friends. Not true. I mean, I'd like to be a badass and all...but its just not in the cards. I mean, the idea that I am so irresistible that all my friends fall into bed with me, and such a cool chick that they stay friends with me even when I'm not sleeping with them, its hilarious to me. I can't see myself that way at all...

Back to the matter at hand, I think a lot of people think that my relationship with Oscelot (and I should note, when I say "I" it almost always means "Kitten and I" save my personal opinions) is based on sex, which couldn't be further from the truth. Its based on mutual regard. Now you can laugh, but I know how long its been since I've slept with her, and I still like her just fine, thank you very much. Truly, I think that's how every relationship ought to be defined, but then, I'm old fashioned that way, aren;t I?

Yeah, I get the idea from the people I talk to that my life is some sort of exotic sexfest and that I'm always looking to add to my harem. Not true, laughable, really. My life at home is much like that of every other person I know who is in a relationship. The difference is I have to communicate more, because I have two people to maintain a relationship with, not just one. A lot of the time, that means more work.

And this relationship is work, trust me. You don't think of the mechanics, but consider:

We have to talk about whether or not we have sex individually, or together or whatever. Because being open and honest with eachother is important. Because no one wants to feel left out, or unloved. Because sometimes you need alone time with one partner or the other. Sometimes that doesn't even involve the bedroom. You have to maintain that sense of respect and regard. While most couples I know go on dates after they move in together or get married, I don't think they do it as often as we do. With three people, the need for alone time, time together and time as a couple is a lot of time to manage. I'll be honest, sometimes its exhausting.

There are a lot of trust issues we have to deal with. I mean, when you're married and you and your partner are seeing someone, the same someone, you have to be clear with eachother. You have to be clear with your partner. There's a lot of work that goes into keeping everyone on the same footing.

Financially, you have to think about three people's bills, their needs, how much money they make. There's times where I feel frustrated because I don't make as much money as the girls, and I try to find other ways to contrubute. The same with around the house...who always does laundry, or cleans for feeds the cats? Who feels liek a maid and who doesn't? Who needs time to themselves because the week has been rough and a little alone time is what they need.

Friend wise, you have to think about our personalities. We're all different people. We have different friends. Fortunately, there's a lot of crossover. We have mutual friends, people we all like to hang out with. But there are people I might like to talk to that Osclot might not like. Or maybe Kitten has a pal we just don't jive with, because our interests aren't similar. Arranging time with all of our friends has its challenges as well.

Despite the challenges, there is a lot of reward in our relationship. When I'm sick, or tired or need help, I've got two great women there to help me. When one of us needs some alone time, there's always someone else to be near and cuddle. When times get rought, having two people there to help you out is nice. Of course, I shouldn't need to add, loving each other is the best part, and I feel lucky I've earned the love of two wonderful people.

I don't know that I've completely covered the topic, I'm sure there's more I'll think of, and chances are, I'll post about this again, but I'm all sorts of talked out on this one. I'd be interested to hear what you think, to hear your questions about my life, because I know its not what most people traditionally do. I'll answer them as honestly as I can, and hopefully I can clear up this nasty idea people have that I don't have any regard for my marriage, or that I take relationships lightly.

AGxx