I don't think there's any denying now that I love surveys. Some of the ones on the internet ask things I would never think to blog about but they are things I think are worth sharing with you. I don't know how you all feel about them, but until you tell me they annoy the hell out of you, I figure I can keep posting them.
Honestly, I like that they give me something to post about on days when I am too tired to think of something to write about, but I still feel like sharing. Today, I actually have things I would like to tell you about, but since I started this post last night and never got to finish it because I was massively tired, I thought I would finish here before I told you all my news. So, first- survey, and then, if we aren't too tired, maybe i'll post something about my day. Yes?
Off we go. (by the way, I did take the time, for your comfort and mine, to get rid of the formatting. Also I didn't bother numbering, because really, who cares?)
What is more
difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling
someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are
telling you how they feel?
I don't think its difficult to look into someone's eyes period, but that may just be me. I think the hardest time if when you're telling someone something difficult, like bad news. But then, that's the best time to be direct isn't it?
You are at the doctor’s office and he has just
informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell
anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining
days? Would you be afraid?
I would tell the people I love. I would quit my job and try to find all the things I wanted to do before I died and do them. Of course, I'm the kind of person who inherently will choose not to believe something just because I'm told. My grandmother was told to get her affairs in order when I was 15 because of her cancer. She's still kicking...so, you know. And no, I don't think I'd be afraid. Not too much anyway.
You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
I think that you can't have love without trust, so you'd have to choose trust. But then, I think that anything you trust is something you can love. I'd choose trust if I had to, but I believe the two can never be mutually exclusive.
Your best friend confesses that he/she has
feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love
with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
This is always a difficult situation. I think you have to talk about your feelings with them. I would have to explain why its not a possibility. I think you do what you have to to move on with a relationship with that person. I know that's a hard place to be. Fortunately, I don't think Perpet will ever fall in love with me, and Flyguy knows better. I hope I never have to deal with that situation, because I assume I would end up losing a friend. There's never a good way to end that conversation.
Think of the last person who you know that
died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have
to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
No. The last person I know who died was my great grandmother, and she wouldn't have been happy in that one hour. It was her time. As a general rule, I think its advisable to live the best life you can while you have it, and die happy with your choices. One hour won't make a difference no matter how many years I give up of my own life.
Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah, I am.
When was the last time you told someone
HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say?
Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
I do that all the time. I think its why my friends love me and why everyone else likes me very little. I can't waste time thinking about whether or not I'm going to hurt someone with the truth. Its not like me to lie about things. AS for recently, I had a talk with Hedgewitch like that. I won't tell you what it was about, because its her business, but it was a hard talk to have.
What would be (or what was) harder for you to
tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love
them back?
Its always harder to tell someone you don't love them. Love is always a wonderful thing to share.
What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
If we aren't talking about people? I assume you know the answer to that...I think I would have a hard time giving up reading for pleasure. It brings me a lot of joy and it helps me to relax. I also think it improves my sense of culture and personal awareness.
Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
This week, I told Flyguy, Sakura and Felix I love them. They're my friends. And of course I do. They're important to me.
Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it
is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window.
WHO do you wish was there with you?
Kitten. She makes me feel safer than anyone.
Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Yes. Every person deserves to be saved if they can be. It doesn't matter who they are. Life is not the entitlement of only the rich or beautiful.
Are you old fashioned?
Yes, in some ways I very much am, despite my very modern love life. I believe marriage is for life. I believe that ladies should act as such. I expect men to be gentlemen. I prefer skirts and dresses to pants. I believe in speaking when you're spoken to, and giving elders respect. I like the morals of the older era, as a general rule. I think just because you have modern sensibilities does not mean you cant have good manners. If that makes me old fashioned, then yes, I am.
When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
This afternoon.
Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
True love. I'd rather know what love really is. What's a heart worth if it can't be broken?
Are you young at heart, or an old soul?
Both. I think I'm very lively at heart, but I also know my soul has been around a very long time. I think sometimes that makes me meloncholy, and I think sometimes it contributes to my sense of being jaded, but I like myself that way.
What makes someone a best friend?
Always being honest. Telling you what you need to hear, even when it hurts. Loving you unconditionally. Treating you with respect, but not reverence. Someone who can make you laugh. Someone who can hold you when you cry, who's willing to cry with you. Someone you are willing to be honest with. Someone you can trust with more than your life. Someone who can keep your secrets. Someone who wants you to keep theirs. Always being there, no matter what. Someone who supports you and your decisions, but will tell you when they are bad ones. Someone who motivates you to be better. Someone who inspires you. Someone who will share your dreams with you.
What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection?
Emotional connection. Sometimes that's enough to stimulate a physical attraction. But attraction never means instant connection. Never.
Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title.
Waterworld
What holiday do you most look forward to?
Halloween
How is the relationship between you and your parents?
I don't know my father. My mother and I have an interesting relationship because I treat her like a peer. I have for a long time. I struggle sometimes to respect her, but I never have to work to love her. I always have a hard time understanding her motivations. Its been easier in the last few years, but it hasn't always. I can say she is generally more supportive than she used to be.
Name a song that never fails to make you happy.
Party in the USA, Miley Cyrus. We heard it all the time on our honeymoon, so I always think of that when I hear it.
You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him.
He works at Casa Bueno. His girlfriend is super sweet. He likes airplanes, especially old ones. He likes the color purple. He has facial hair.
If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be?
Portland Oregon.
Can money buy happiness?
No. But it does make things easier.
Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?
I drink on occasion but never to excess because i used to have a drinking problem, plus it jacks up my blood sugar. I do smoke. I like the taste of tobacco. I especially like smoking hookahs. I don't do drugs. I used to. But I don't know. I have been clean for over a decade and I plan to keep it that way. I almost killed myself doing them. Its a terrible thing.
Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?
There's giant train yards in my city and when I was little I used to have my grandfather take me to go see the trains. I don't live too far from them now, and it still makes me happy to drive by them and see them. They make me think of him. Also, I don't know why, I love trains.
Have you ever spent a night in the hospital?
Oh, lord, too many times to list. Yes. Yes I have.
Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?
I like a medium sized group of intimate friends. I hate large groups of strangers but i love having all the people I love near me. Sometimes my house gets pretty full as a result. But I still love it.
If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship?
Yes, if they were up front with me about it. If I really loved them, and I wanted to be in a relationship with them, then they would be worth waiting for. Why else date a person?
Do you believe in a god?
Yes
Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?”
Lower middle class probably, but yes.
If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you?
Yes. I don't particularly like driving myself. Now, I would be happy to give up my car and have someone else drive me...or live in a city that I could use the public transportation. I'd be alright with that.
What’s your “quirkiest” habit?
I have no personal space with my friends. I am very touchy feely. So I think that's my most obvious quirk. Its hard to take, if you don't really love me. I also read at the dinner table if no one else is there...
What is “normal?” Are you normal?
I don't think there is such a thing, but if there is, I suspect I am not. I don't think I would want to be.
Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this
person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10
strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer?
No. Its not my choice to make, first. Second, I don't know who or what those people might be capable of. I am not god. I cannot decide the fate of other people. It wouldn't be right, and if I loved the person dying, I wouldn't be able to make a rational decision.
Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single?
Be in the relationship. That's when the real relationship starts.
Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?
Yes. I am proof of that.
When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked?
Yes.
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
My alarm. Philosophically? I have another day to experience and grow. I have more life to live and more to contribute to the world. I have to get up, or I'm letting myself down.
Do you want to have more friends than you have right now?
I want more close friends, always. Just more people in my life? Not if they aren't going to be something special.
What’s the best route to your heart?
Honesty. Unique beauty. Vulnerability and strength.
Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life?
Yes. And I have a few more I'd like to meet in person.
What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning?
Depends on the day. I'm so in tune with my intuition, I don't notice it most days. So probably it. But I think I'm a pretty rational person too.
Do you know what makes you happy?
My friends. My partners. A good book. A beautiful sunset or sunrise. A new experience. My life makes me pretty happy, actually.
What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?
Um? I've been given quite a few that struck me. I think the one I was most flattered by was someone once told me I was "incandescent" and that was definitely one that made me blush, though they probably don't know that until right about now...
Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began.
I was rebounding from the end of a long term one and I made a terrible decision. I mistook interest for affection and like for love. I thought that pretense was real beauty and that huge character flaws were simple weaknesses.
Early bird or night owl?
Early bird by habit, night owl by choice.
Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to?
I still have my first doll.
Give me an unpopular opinion you have.
I believe that respect is earned. Thusly, I hold an unpopular opinion in this part of the country that just because you were in the military doesn't mean you deserve respect. What you did while you were in it was. I know some terrible things that have happened while people were serving. Those things don't deserve respect. I know some amazing things that have happened, and those people do. But respect, wherever it comes from, should be earned, not automatically given.
What is your ethnic heritage?
My father's family are second generation emigrants from Britain. My mother's side of the family is almost completely Irish.
Do you believe in luck?
I believe you make your own luck.
Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them?
Yes
Do you practice what you preach?
I try to, but I'm not perfect.
Are you hard-headed?
Yes. Very.
Do you often skip breakfast?
No, but my breakfast is often very unhealthy.
How do you know what true love is?
Yes.
Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die?
No.
Where is “home” for you?
With Kitten.
Do you want to be perfect?
No. Its good, because I can't be. I'm a raging perfectionist, though, so I know how it feels to struggle to be your very best, and i do want to be that.
What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back?
Surfing. I don't live near an ocean.
Give me the story of your life in six words.
I mess up. But I'm learning.
What eye color do you find sexiest?
Rich. I like brown for the most part, but a pair of deep, rich eyes in any color is beautiful.
Pirates or ninjas? Why?
Pirates. The clothes are more fun. The pay is better. So are the girls.
What's your most favorite part of your body?
My mouth.
What's your most favorite part of your personality?
My bluntness.
Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
Yes. I like football.
Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
No
Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Butter. I grew up with margarine. But I like butter.
Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
One Percent. Everything else tastes either fatty, or like water. And yes, I did.
Which continents have you been on?
North America, Europe, and I don't know what the middle east counts as. Maybe Asia?
Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
Yes, no, yes.
Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
Fourteen hours. I flew from New York to Kuwait.
Would you buy a sweater covered
in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
Yes and yes.
Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
Green? Haha. I like all kinds of beans.
How far can you throw a baseball?
Pretty far. From the back of the field to home, at least, which is how far you need to be able to throw it, right?
If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
Britain
A relationship with love or one with sex?
Both, I hope.
Do you eat enough vegetables?
I don't eat too many. But yeah, i think I do.
Do you swear in front of your parents?
Yes. I do.
Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
I went as Marie Antoinette one year. I hand made the ballgown and it was seriously epic. Six bistles, cream silk and black velvet, I even made a gigantic powdered wig with macaroni (a hair style) birds flying around it. I loved that thing.
Can you walk well in high heels?
I can run in high heels, so yes.
When was the last time you cried? Why?
Last night. I was in pain.
Are you happy?
Yes
Have you ever cheated on your partner?
Yes, and I don't regret it because now I'm married to the person I cheated on him with. And she's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Who do you spend crazy moments with?
Most of the time, Flyguy.
What kind of music do you listen to?
Anything good.
Are you over your past?
For the most part, yes. I have moved on, but I don't forget.
Do you have troubles sleeping at night?
Sometimes.
From whom was the last text message you received?
Flyguy
Do you have any phobias?
heights, spiders...yeah. I'm trying to overcome both of those. Egg timers, which I just can't explain....
Did you try to change for a person?
Yes and every time it didn't work. The new guy at work (who I'm going to have to name, soon) has a tattoo with the words "i would rather be hated for what I am, than be loved for what I am not" I couldn't agree more.
Would you go back to your previous relationship?
Never.
Do people praise you for your looks?
Not normally, no. But then. I'm not super good looking, am I? Kitten and Oscelot do, but they're supposed to, aren't they?
Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?
I have before, yes.
Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?
Yep.
Have you ever thought of killing yourself?
I did a long time ago, but I haven't felt that way for a very long time, thank lord and lady for that. I love and respect myself and my life now.
Can you live without internet?
I imagine I could, although I'd be annoyed by it.
Are you good at holding back your tears?
Not especially.
Are you a crybaby?
No.
Have you ever experienced being hysterical?
Yes.
What kind of person are you?
I don't know. I suppose that's the point of these surveys isnt it? To find out more about myself. I'd like to think I'm a good person, and an honest one. Outside of that, everything is semantics. Hell, somedays I am neither nice or good, so...
Have you ever been jealous?
Oh yeah
Do you have trust issues?
Yes, I do.
Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”?
Kitten
Do you think all the pain is worth it?
All my past pain? Yeah. It is. I like myself now. I wouldn't be that if it weren't for those things. I think you have to make pain worth it, because you have to keep living either way.
How do you look right now?
I'm wearing my glasses, my hair is curly not straight, I'm wearing a green and orange and brown peasant skirt and my feet are dirty from watering my garden in sandals. How that looks to anyone else is a mystery to me.
Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?
I feel that way all the time. Part of being a perfectionist I suppose.
Well, there you have it friends. I made it through a massive barrage of questions. Kudos to you if you kept up this long. I'm impressed.
Do you have any questions you'd like me to answer? I'd be much more interested to tell you things you'd like to know...
AGxx
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
If I Hear One More Time About A Fool's Right To His Tool's Of Rage...
I have to get a few things off my chest about Facebook.
I want to preface this with the thought that I normally love facebook. I use it all the time, I think its a great way to stay in touch with people you might not get to see as often as you like and reconnect, or just plain connect, with people that you love. I like Facebook and the concept behind it.
Lately, I hate Facebook.
If I were a normal person, or the average FB user, I suppose I would be posting this there under my notes section. But, you see, I am seriously tired of FB drama. And honestly, I like updates and notes, but I think me venting about things that make me crazy belongs here, where people have to make an effort to come and read it, and they aren't inundated with my opinions without having a choice. And there, my friends, is the thing that is making me crazy. Well, its threefold, really.
First, and I'll totally confess to Sakura venting this to me first, and I agree with him. I am sick of those stupid E-cards. Yeah, some of them are witty. Most of them aren't. Most of them are bitchy and whiney, not funny. And more of a problem, people are posting them so frequently now that they are taking the place of true humor and wit on FB, which was something that I really loved about that space. Now, I have reposted a couple, I won't lie. But I don't post five or six a day, which is what some people on my friends list are doing. What irritates me is that the people I am friends with, for the most part, are a very intelligent, very amusing group of people. I don't need E-cards to know that. Honestly, I like their own brand of humor much better. I actually spend enough time scrolling past them that sometimes I miss an important post I actually wanted to read. That's annoying.
Second, and I know- I know I swear- that its election year...but I'm tired of politics. I normally take my civic duty very seriously, and I'm to the point now I don't even want to vote because I'm sick of listening to all of it. Its not even November yet. And while I am a liberal, its not just the conservatives that are making me nuts. Its everyone. I don't care anymore that Mitt Romney got a huge tax break on his therapy horse. I don't care if George Bush is still your idea of a great president. I don't care if you hate President Obama's healthcare plan. I don't. Because your opinions are not mine. You are not going to change my mind about my political views with a meme or a photo or a rant on FB any more than you would change them with a political attack ad on television. I'm a smart woman. I know there's two sides to every coin, and frankly I find it insulting that you believe that posting that crap is going to be enough to change my mind without me fact checking or looking into the issue more.
And forget even just the election stuff, I'm tired of political posts in general. I'm gay and I am sick of pro-gay, pro-gay marriage posts. I'm sick of abortion posts and women's health posts. Do I care about these things? Yes. But I am so tired of facing a barrage of posts about it on my news feed every morning. I'd like to point out that posting a picture on FB is not the same thing as being politically active. You want to do something to make a difference? You want change? Form a political action group. Join an existing one. Write to your congressperson (do you know who your local and state reps are? I bet you can't name them without a google search. I can.) Organize a rally. Make some sort of actual contribution to the cause or shut the hell up. Honestly. When is the last time you attended a city council meeting? Do you know where your local party office is? When was the last time you took advantage of the days at the State Capitol when constituents can go visit their representatives. When's the last time you actually took the time to research the legalities of the bills that you so vehemently oppose? Not recently, I'd bet.
Do something. Do anything. And then post on my wall about how you got something going. Then we'll talk about whether or not my politics line up with yours and whether or not I feel like helping out your cause. But for the love of every thing good and holy stop wasting my time with statistics your blindly reposted or facts you can't bother to check. I'm sick of them all.
Finally, and lord and lady knows I will offend someone here- I'm sick of religion on FB. I'm tired of flame wars over who loves or doesn't love Jesus. I'm tired of having to defend my faith to people who are supposed to be my friends. And while I love you and respect your religious path- I'm frankly quite sick of waking up every morning to a come to god post or twelve. You find inspiration in your religion? Awesome. You want to post a quote from a guru or a bible verse that makes your day better? You do that. Do you want to "witness" to all of your friends in FB land by posting a picture of Jesus on the cross with a huge note underneath about how you don't want them to go to hell if they haven't come to god yet? Spare me. Do that in person. With the person you are trying to reach. Because if like begets like, most of your friends are looking past that post anyway. Those of us of different religions are probably rolling our eyes, because its insulting that you would post something that guilts us into becoming a member of your faith so *you* don't have to suffer by us going to hell. Honestly, if our sensibilities were that weak, why bother being acquainted to a person like that at all?
Don't get me wrong, I love religion. I especially love mine. And I truly believe that if your religion is your comfort, that's wonderful for you. I post pagan things now and again because I know they inspire me and they inspire my friends. But not once, NEVER, will you see me posting a "become a pagan so your next incarnation doesn't suck" meme with instructions on how to become a witch underneath it. That's stupid. I want the people who are religious to be happy with their religion. But don't insult me, especially on a daily basis, with posts about how sad you are I'm eternally damned, asking me to come to god. Because frankly, if I weren't already of a spiritual path of my choosing, the conclusion I would draw is that all the people of your faith are dogmatic nags.
And while we're talking about both religion and politics, lets just get this out in the open. They don't mix. And frankly, I don't care what faith you are, it doesn't get to dictate my political decisions. And you know, I hate calling them out, but the protestants are especially bad about this. I never hear Muslims or Jews saying pork should be outlawed. Or how their religions are older, so maybe their more important than any other religion. It seems the exclusive right of protestants to tell all of us how wring we are. Truthfully, I think the Muslims in the US are too busy hiding and trying to fight for the political freedoms they were guaranteed when this country was founded to be busy with any other political agenda. And for the love of Jesus and every other deity read your god blessed history books and check out the founding father's real philosophies behind the founding of the United States. They did not form our government to be a Protestant state. They didn't. And frankly, the moment the US becomes a protestant state, I'm out. I'll find somewhere else to live. That's not me being petulant. That's me choosing to emigrate to a new country where I can have religious freedom. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.
So the next time you're on FB and you post about how abortion is wrong or how gays shouldn't marry or whatever else political issue you're just dying to change my opinion about- give me a good reason that has nothing to do with your religion. Because its probably not mine. And if it is, well, I'm still going to look long and hard at the facts before I make a choice on what to believe.
I know that I sound hard and bitter. I know that me making all of these statements is my way of making a political statement and religious statement myself. I do. Here's the thing, though. You're here and you're reading this by choice. You choose to listen to my opinion. I didn't type it in all caps on facebook. I didn't tag you in a post about it so it would show up on your wall, in your news feed and in your notifications. I let you make the decision to come here and listen to me rant. And that's all I want. A morning where I wake up and I don't feel compelled to hide someone in my news feed because I am friends with them, and I do want to connect with them, but I can't stand the thought of one more political rant, religious pontification or stupid ass E-card. Let that be my choice.
And I know, I know, I've got someone somewhere who will say "I can post whatever I want and if you don't like it go ahead and unfriend me." Okay. I will. Because it just goes to reinforce the fact that my opinion isn't as special as your opinion. Truthfully, I probably really like or love you if I haven't hidden you or taken you off my friend list. If you don't like that I don't care for all of your posts? You let me know. I probably need to reconsider whether you should be my friend or not anyway. I respect your right to your opinion, even if I don't like it or agree with it. Even when it irritates me. Which is why I'm here, and not on your wall posting snotty comments about your opinions to you. I deserve that too. That's all I'm saying.
Right. I'm off my soap box. I'll post something nicer next time. But I had to have my moment, because some people are truly ruining something that I used to like. I like too few things (especially mainstream, networky type things) to let someone ruin it for me.
Have fun posting y'all.
AGxx
I want to preface this with the thought that I normally love facebook. I use it all the time, I think its a great way to stay in touch with people you might not get to see as often as you like and reconnect, or just plain connect, with people that you love. I like Facebook and the concept behind it.
Lately, I hate Facebook.
If I were a normal person, or the average FB user, I suppose I would be posting this there under my notes section. But, you see, I am seriously tired of FB drama. And honestly, I like updates and notes, but I think me venting about things that make me crazy belongs here, where people have to make an effort to come and read it, and they aren't inundated with my opinions without having a choice. And there, my friends, is the thing that is making me crazy. Well, its threefold, really.
First, and I'll totally confess to Sakura venting this to me first, and I agree with him. I am sick of those stupid E-cards. Yeah, some of them are witty. Most of them aren't. Most of them are bitchy and whiney, not funny. And more of a problem, people are posting them so frequently now that they are taking the place of true humor and wit on FB, which was something that I really loved about that space. Now, I have reposted a couple, I won't lie. But I don't post five or six a day, which is what some people on my friends list are doing. What irritates me is that the people I am friends with, for the most part, are a very intelligent, very amusing group of people. I don't need E-cards to know that. Honestly, I like their own brand of humor much better. I actually spend enough time scrolling past them that sometimes I miss an important post I actually wanted to read. That's annoying.
Second, and I know- I know I swear- that its election year...but I'm tired of politics. I normally take my civic duty very seriously, and I'm to the point now I don't even want to vote because I'm sick of listening to all of it. Its not even November yet. And while I am a liberal, its not just the conservatives that are making me nuts. Its everyone. I don't care anymore that Mitt Romney got a huge tax break on his therapy horse. I don't care if George Bush is still your idea of a great president. I don't care if you hate President Obama's healthcare plan. I don't. Because your opinions are not mine. You are not going to change my mind about my political views with a meme or a photo or a rant on FB any more than you would change them with a political attack ad on television. I'm a smart woman. I know there's two sides to every coin, and frankly I find it insulting that you believe that posting that crap is going to be enough to change my mind without me fact checking or looking into the issue more.
And forget even just the election stuff, I'm tired of political posts in general. I'm gay and I am sick of pro-gay, pro-gay marriage posts. I'm sick of abortion posts and women's health posts. Do I care about these things? Yes. But I am so tired of facing a barrage of posts about it on my news feed every morning. I'd like to point out that posting a picture on FB is not the same thing as being politically active. You want to do something to make a difference? You want change? Form a political action group. Join an existing one. Write to your congressperson (do you know who your local and state reps are? I bet you can't name them without a google search. I can.) Organize a rally. Make some sort of actual contribution to the cause or shut the hell up. Honestly. When is the last time you attended a city council meeting? Do you know where your local party office is? When was the last time you took advantage of the days at the State Capitol when constituents can go visit their representatives. When's the last time you actually took the time to research the legalities of the bills that you so vehemently oppose? Not recently, I'd bet.
Do something. Do anything. And then post on my wall about how you got something going. Then we'll talk about whether or not my politics line up with yours and whether or not I feel like helping out your cause. But for the love of every thing good and holy stop wasting my time with statistics your blindly reposted or facts you can't bother to check. I'm sick of them all.
Finally, and lord and lady knows I will offend someone here- I'm sick of religion on FB. I'm tired of flame wars over who loves or doesn't love Jesus. I'm tired of having to defend my faith to people who are supposed to be my friends. And while I love you and respect your religious path- I'm frankly quite sick of waking up every morning to a come to god post or twelve. You find inspiration in your religion? Awesome. You want to post a quote from a guru or a bible verse that makes your day better? You do that. Do you want to "witness" to all of your friends in FB land by posting a picture of Jesus on the cross with a huge note underneath about how you don't want them to go to hell if they haven't come to god yet? Spare me. Do that in person. With the person you are trying to reach. Because if like begets like, most of your friends are looking past that post anyway. Those of us of different religions are probably rolling our eyes, because its insulting that you would post something that guilts us into becoming a member of your faith so *you* don't have to suffer by us going to hell. Honestly, if our sensibilities were that weak, why bother being acquainted to a person like that at all?
Don't get me wrong, I love religion. I especially love mine. And I truly believe that if your religion is your comfort, that's wonderful for you. I post pagan things now and again because I know they inspire me and they inspire my friends. But not once, NEVER, will you see me posting a "become a pagan so your next incarnation doesn't suck" meme with instructions on how to become a witch underneath it. That's stupid. I want the people who are religious to be happy with their religion. But don't insult me, especially on a daily basis, with posts about how sad you are I'm eternally damned, asking me to come to god. Because frankly, if I weren't already of a spiritual path of my choosing, the conclusion I would draw is that all the people of your faith are dogmatic nags.
And while we're talking about both religion and politics, lets just get this out in the open. They don't mix. And frankly, I don't care what faith you are, it doesn't get to dictate my political decisions. And you know, I hate calling them out, but the protestants are especially bad about this. I never hear Muslims or Jews saying pork should be outlawed. Or how their religions are older, so maybe their more important than any other religion. It seems the exclusive right of protestants to tell all of us how wring we are. Truthfully, I think the Muslims in the US are too busy hiding and trying to fight for the political freedoms they were guaranteed when this country was founded to be busy with any other political agenda. And for the love of Jesus and every other deity read your god blessed history books and check out the founding father's real philosophies behind the founding of the United States. They did not form our government to be a Protestant state. They didn't. And frankly, the moment the US becomes a protestant state, I'm out. I'll find somewhere else to live. That's not me being petulant. That's me choosing to emigrate to a new country where I can have religious freedom. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.
So the next time you're on FB and you post about how abortion is wrong or how gays shouldn't marry or whatever else political issue you're just dying to change my opinion about- give me a good reason that has nothing to do with your religion. Because its probably not mine. And if it is, well, I'm still going to look long and hard at the facts before I make a choice on what to believe.
I know that I sound hard and bitter. I know that me making all of these statements is my way of making a political statement and religious statement myself. I do. Here's the thing, though. You're here and you're reading this by choice. You choose to listen to my opinion. I didn't type it in all caps on facebook. I didn't tag you in a post about it so it would show up on your wall, in your news feed and in your notifications. I let you make the decision to come here and listen to me rant. And that's all I want. A morning where I wake up and I don't feel compelled to hide someone in my news feed because I am friends with them, and I do want to connect with them, but I can't stand the thought of one more political rant, religious pontification or stupid ass E-card. Let that be my choice.
And I know, I know, I've got someone somewhere who will say "I can post whatever I want and if you don't like it go ahead and unfriend me." Okay. I will. Because it just goes to reinforce the fact that my opinion isn't as special as your opinion. Truthfully, I probably really like or love you if I haven't hidden you or taken you off my friend list. If you don't like that I don't care for all of your posts? You let me know. I probably need to reconsider whether you should be my friend or not anyway. I respect your right to your opinion, even if I don't like it or agree with it. Even when it irritates me. Which is why I'm here, and not on your wall posting snotty comments about your opinions to you. I deserve that too. That's all I'm saying.
Right. I'm off my soap box. I'll post something nicer next time. But I had to have my moment, because some people are truly ruining something that I used to like. I like too few things (especially mainstream, networky type things) to let someone ruin it for me.
Have fun posting y'all.
AGxx
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I'll Be Your Number One With a Bullet
So everyone who knows me knows that I'm a little bit vain. Okay, a lot bit vain. One of my favorite things to do, especially in the summer when its nice (or scorching hot) outside is to run around and take pictures. Usually of my and my sweeties and my friends.
I recently had the idea that it would be a lot of fun to do some pictures inspired by the "trash the dress" wedding photo trend and wear an evening gown, or some other fantastic outfit, and go get messy and take pictures in it in the more urban areas of my city. Or go take pictures in the really rural part of my city. Either way, I like the idea of juxtaposing something fantastic or whimsical or formal with something that is not inherently those things.
I asked Flyguy to help me out because he's a really talented photographer. Well, I've seen a lot of the stuff he does and I really love it. I like the way he looks at the world, and when I look at his photos I notice he sees things differently than I do. Its part of what makes me love him.
So last night we went out and did a trial run with my digital camera (well, he brought his camera too, but he was shooting black and white film, so I won't see the results of that for a while) and we traipsed around the downtown and had a good time. Well, I had a great time because not only was he satisfying my vanity by taking my picture, but I haven't gotten to see him lately, so having him for company was spectacular. We left at about six in the evening, and we got home about nine. I'll mention, the later hour was ostensibly to make sure it was cool enough outside. It was still over ninety the whole time.
Anyway, we got a lot of fun stuff on film. Also, he was a total hero for me. He didn't seem to notice at all the strange looks he was getting while we walked around. I don't blame people for staring, a guy in street clothes running around with a woman in a white evening gown in the middle of a warehouse district is rather odd.
So, I thought I would share a few of the pictures he took so you could see them (and me) and tell me what you think.
This one is actually maybe a baseball's throw from my house. Its at an old train overpass, and I love the greenery that grows all over the old wooden beams. I was surprised when Flyguy chose this angle as opposed to showing more of the beam work. I suppose you can figure out that I let him make the decisions, now that I see what he was aiming for. I should never second guess him.
I love this photo. I will say this, it was a bit of a hike up those rocks to the top, and I was dodging broken glass most of the time. Flyguy, though, was balancing halfway down the hill braced on a baby tree. So I shouldn't complain. The picture is pretty cool too.
I should also note the heels I wore I selected for comfort. I have blisters everywhere today. The day was rougher on them, though, I ended up breaking the straps off them before the night was out. Made for a long and interesting limp home, though.
Incidentally, Kitten bought those heels for me when we went on our honeymoon, three years ago. So they lasted a good long while, as far as heels go- especially when you consider how rough I am on my shoes.
The rock idea was all Flyguys. I like it. He did express a wish my dress had more movement. I've made a mental note to buy a dress with a train next time.
Flyguy noted later when we were looking at the pictures that it would be a matter of nothing to cut the dress off and make it short. He's probably right, although before I do that, I think I want to cover the whole thing in mud.
My aunt Dancer was on facebook and saw these and was exclaiming over me trashing such a pretty dress. I imagine you might be thinking the same thing. No worries. I only paid $20 for it. So if I do eventually ruin it...well, it wasn't expensive. Even if it was- is the dress or the photos less beautiful because of the price? I think not.
I love this photo like you wouldn't believe. For some reason, it really strikes me as a portrait more than a snapshot. If there were ever a photo taken of me that expressed how I feel sometimes, this would be it. I think its telling that my burgeoning sunburn is starting to show, and it seems appropriate somehow.
This is one of Flyguy's favorites. I am not sure why. Although, I will admit, I never would have thought that faded ass boring graffiti would stand out so much in the photo. I really like that it does. This is somewhere under one of the underpasses in my town. It gets me giggling, there's a huge no trespassing sign at the entrance to this tunnel. I'm pretty strait laced, so I made Flyguy promise that he's bail me out if we got arrested for trespassing. He reassured me that he's down there all the time and no one cares. Of course he is...
This photo was such a relief to me, because by this time my feet hurt and the water was cold and it was ninety degrees. I was looking forward to this part anyway, because I wanted to see what the dress would do wet.
Also, that's my natural hair color in the sunlight. Anyone who tells me I don't have red in my hair from here on out will be referred to this picture.
Flyguy's foot makes a cameo in this pic. We got some interesting looks doing these. I feel like Ophelia when I look at this picture.
There were some kids (well, teenagers) at this park and one of them said something to Flyguy. He told me later that he asked how his porn shoot was going. Flyguy said good. Then the kid asked why he didn't have me take off my clothes. Flyguy just gave him one of his enigmatic smiles. Its part of why I like him. I would have mouthed off.
I was rather amused by the girls in the park who kept giving me looks like I was in some sort of fairy tale. One asked me before I got wet if I was going to get into the water. When I told her yes, she grinned really big. I noticed she stuck around to watch me get into the waterfall. It was funny to me, especially how she was sighing, like she was seeing something special.
I like this photo because it looks really old fashioned. Also, my hair is drying out and is all sorts of messy and curly. I like that. Its how I normally look.
This field is behind a warehouse near my home, and I didn't even think about it as a spot for pictures. It looks like a bunch of overgrown weeds to me. Again, I defer to Flyguy's opinion of how to take photos from here on out.
Kitten really likes this picture too. She's says I look pretty in it.
So...there you have it. Another post completely dedicated to me being really, really vain. I did think it was interesting, because it rather gave me a chance to see how someone else looks at me, and looks at everything around me. I'll be interested to see how the black and whites come out, and I'll be interested to see what we do with future photo playtimes. We've got an outfit all lined up for Kitten for the next go around. I'll like to see some pictures of us together. Oscelot has to pick out an outfit too.
Be warned, you might see more of these in the future.
Have a good day everyone. Find something beautiful and love it.
AGxx
I recently had the idea that it would be a lot of fun to do some pictures inspired by the "trash the dress" wedding photo trend and wear an evening gown, or some other fantastic outfit, and go get messy and take pictures in it in the more urban areas of my city. Or go take pictures in the really rural part of my city. Either way, I like the idea of juxtaposing something fantastic or whimsical or formal with something that is not inherently those things.
I asked Flyguy to help me out because he's a really talented photographer. Well, I've seen a lot of the stuff he does and I really love it. I like the way he looks at the world, and when I look at his photos I notice he sees things differently than I do. Its part of what makes me love him.
So last night we went out and did a trial run with my digital camera (well, he brought his camera too, but he was shooting black and white film, so I won't see the results of that for a while) and we traipsed around the downtown and had a good time. Well, I had a great time because not only was he satisfying my vanity by taking my picture, but I haven't gotten to see him lately, so having him for company was spectacular. We left at about six in the evening, and we got home about nine. I'll mention, the later hour was ostensibly to make sure it was cool enough outside. It was still over ninety the whole time.
Anyway, we got a lot of fun stuff on film. Also, he was a total hero for me. He didn't seem to notice at all the strange looks he was getting while we walked around. I don't blame people for staring, a guy in street clothes running around with a woman in a white evening gown in the middle of a warehouse district is rather odd.
So, I thought I would share a few of the pictures he took so you could see them (and me) and tell me what you think.
I should also note the heels I wore I selected for comfort. I have blisters everywhere today. The day was rougher on them, though, I ended up breaking the straps off them before the night was out. Made for a long and interesting limp home, though.
Incidentally, Kitten bought those heels for me when we went on our honeymoon, three years ago. So they lasted a good long while, as far as heels go- especially when you consider how rough I am on my shoes.
Flyguy noted later when we were looking at the pictures that it would be a matter of nothing to cut the dress off and make it short. He's probably right, although before I do that, I think I want to cover the whole thing in mud.
My aunt Dancer was on facebook and saw these and was exclaiming over me trashing such a pretty dress. I imagine you might be thinking the same thing. No worries. I only paid $20 for it. So if I do eventually ruin it...well, it wasn't expensive. Even if it was- is the dress or the photos less beautiful because of the price? I think not.
Also, that's my natural hair color in the sunlight. Anyone who tells me I don't have red in my hair from here on out will be referred to this picture.
There were some kids (well, teenagers) at this park and one of them said something to Flyguy. He told me later that he asked how his porn shoot was going. Flyguy said good. Then the kid asked why he didn't have me take off my clothes. Flyguy just gave him one of his enigmatic smiles. Its part of why I like him. I would have mouthed off.
I was rather amused by the girls in the park who kept giving me looks like I was in some sort of fairy tale. One asked me before I got wet if I was going to get into the water. When I told her yes, she grinned really big. I noticed she stuck around to watch me get into the waterfall. It was funny to me, especially how she was sighing, like she was seeing something special.
I like this photo because it looks really old fashioned. Also, my hair is drying out and is all sorts of messy and curly. I like that. Its how I normally look.
This field is behind a warehouse near my home, and I didn't even think about it as a spot for pictures. It looks like a bunch of overgrown weeds to me. Again, I defer to Flyguy's opinion of how to take photos from here on out.
Kitten really likes this picture too. She's says I look pretty in it.
So...there you have it. Another post completely dedicated to me being really, really vain. I did think it was interesting, because it rather gave me a chance to see how someone else looks at me, and looks at everything around me. I'll be interested to see how the black and whites come out, and I'll be interested to see what we do with future photo playtimes. We've got an outfit all lined up for Kitten for the next go around. I'll like to see some pictures of us together. Oscelot has to pick out an outfit too.
Be warned, you might see more of these in the future.
Have a good day everyone. Find something beautiful and love it.
AGxx
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
If you had just one question
Right, so its been a great couple of days off for me, and tonight I spent the evening with Flyguy taking photos and attempting to trash an evening gown. Apparently soaking it in chlorinated water and crawling all over railroad tracks didn't do the trick, so I get to play in it again sometime. Fun stuff.
I'm currently waiting on all of those photos to upload onto my facebook, so I thought I'd play a little game and answer some questions posted on Sakura's blog. Enjoy.
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
The last person I text messaged was Flyguy, and despite the fact that he is enormously attractive, wonderful and everything a man should be- no. Despite to fact everyone at our work seems to think we already have...no. I like him far too much to ruin a relationship with him by sleeping with him. Also, I'm married. So a big no.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
No. Although beloved was supposed to call me yesterday about taking care of her dogs and cats this weekend. I'll bet Reba found someone else to do it. Again. either way, answer is no.
3. Have you taken someones virginity?
Yes. Several. No I won't tell you who.
4. Is trust a big issue for you?
Yes
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
Yes. I hung out with her today.
I give up on getting rid of the auto format bullet points. Sorry.
6. What are you excited for?
I'm excited to go to Tulsa next week to see the George washington exhibit. I'm excited to have a good day tomorrow. Lots of things excite me.
7. What happened tonight?
I hung out with Flyguy.
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
I think its disgusting when anyone gets really wasted.
9. Is confidence cute?
Very
10. What is the last beverage you had?
An off brand cola
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Four. Sakura, Flyguy, Dad and Swiss.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
No
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
Come home and relax I hope
14. What are you going to spend money on next?
Bills probably
I'm currently waiting on all of those photos to upload onto my facebook, so I thought I'd play a little game and answer some questions posted on Sakura's blog. Enjoy.
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
The last person I text messaged was Flyguy, and despite the fact that he is enormously attractive, wonderful and everything a man should be- no. Despite to fact everyone at our work seems to think we already have...no. I like him far too much to ruin a relationship with him by sleeping with him. Also, I'm married. So a big no.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
No. Although beloved was supposed to call me yesterday about taking care of her dogs and cats this weekend. I'll bet Reba found someone else to do it. Again. either way, answer is no.
3. Have you taken someones virginity?
Yes. Several. No I won't tell you who.
4. Is trust a big issue for you?
Yes
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
Yes. I hung out with her today.
I give up on getting rid of the auto format bullet points. Sorry.
6. What are you excited for?
I'm excited to go to Tulsa next week to see the George washington exhibit. I'm excited to have a good day tomorrow. Lots of things excite me.
7. What happened tonight?
I hung out with Flyguy.
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
I think its disgusting when anyone gets really wasted.
9. Is confidence cute?
Very
10. What is the last beverage you had?
An off brand cola
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Four. Sakura, Flyguy, Dad and Swiss.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
No
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
Come home and relax I hope
14. What are you going to spend money on next?
Bills probably
- 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
- Yes
- 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
- I hope so. I've got a lot of things I want to change, anyway
- 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
- Kitten. Flyguy. Sakura. Oscelot
- 18. The last time you felt broken?
- Right before I met Kitten
- 19. Have you had sex today?
- Yes
- 20. Are you starting to realize anything?
- Not at the moment, no.
- 21. Are you in a good mood?
- Very
- 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
- I have, and it was nice. Well, the manta rays scared me more, lets put it that way.
- 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
- I don't know
- 24. What do you want right this second?
- A cigarette
- 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
- It would depend on who it was, and why they did it.
- 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
- Yes
- 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
- No. I need someone who can make me smile.
- 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
- Kitten said something...I don't remember what it was.
- 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
- Yes, I do.
- 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
- I think it depends on the person and what they've done. I'm not a very forgiving person, so I'm a bad person to ask about it. I think I should try to give someone another chance, but I'm also honest enough with myself to say sometimes they don't deserve it, or I might not give it.
- 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
- No, I love the last boy I was talking to.
- 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
- I hope so, she married me.
- 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
- Nope. Drinking one right now.
- 34. Listening to?
- The sound of my box fan.
- 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
- Yes I do.
- 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
- Yes I do.
- 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
- No. I believe in like and lust at first sight. Love needs more than a look.
- 38. Who did you last call?
- My mother
- 39. Who was the last person you danced with?
- Kitten
- 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
- Because I love them
- 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
- About a month ago
- 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
- Not today
- 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
- Doest this happen to everyone?
- 44. Do you tan in the nude?
- I don't tan
- 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
- What's with the kisses? No, I wouldn't. I try to never kiss if I think I might want to take it back.
- 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
- No, but I held someone until they fell asleep.
- 47. Who was the last person to call you?
- My mom
- 48. Do you sing in the shower?
- If the radio is on and the song is good.
- 49. Do you dance in the car?
- Yes
- 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
- No, but I want to learn
- 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
- A real photgrapher? That I paid? In high school. A good photographer that is talented? Tonight.
- 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
- No, I love them.
- 53. Is Christmas stressful?
- No. Well, my family is stressful, so sometimes yes. But I celebrate Yule, and that isn't stressful at all.
- 54. Ever eat a pierogi?
- No- but Shorty makes them and I would try one.
- 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
- Strawberry
- 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
- Ballerina, rock star, librarian
- 57. Do you believe in ghosts?
- Yes
- 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
- All the time. I'm psychic
- 59. Take a vitamin daily?
- Nope. I tried to once, and ended up throwing out half the bottle.
- 60. Wear slippers?
- Not often
- 61. Wear a bath robe?
- I wear a kimono, does that count?
- 62. What do you wear to bed?
- Nothing. I get tangled up in clothes if I sleep in them.
- 63. First concert?
- All4One when I was 14
- 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
- Depends on what I'm buying
- 65. Nike or Adidas?
- Sketchers
- 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
- Oh god no...
- 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
- I'm allergic to peanuts
- 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
- Oh, Lord. Um, I like Sparks Fly and Love Story. Go on- judge me.
- 69. Ever take dance lessons?
- Yes
- 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
- Yes. Well, one I can see my spouse doing.
- 71. Can you curl your tongue?
- Yes
- 72. Ever won a spelling bee?
- No. I can't spell. If you've ever read this blog you know that.
- 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
- Yes
- 74. What is your favorite book?
- Oh, lord, look at my interests. I have several. The correct answer I suppose would be a good one.
- 75. Do you study better with or without music?
- With
- 76. Regularly burn incense?
- Yes. All the time. Comes with the territory.
- 77. Ever been in love?
- Yes. Am in love right now.
- 78. Who would you like to see in concert?
- Oh- we were talking about this last night. (I saw James Taylor last night) I want to see Brandi Carlile on her new tour. Indigo Girls. Ani Difranco. Barry Manilow. Elton John. Taylor Swift. Madonna (if it were still the 90's) There's a ton of artists I'd like to see.
- 79. What was the last concert you saw?
- James Taylor. Last night. It was awesome.
- 80. Hot tea or cold tea?
- Yes. But I love hot tea.
- 81. Tea or coffee?
- Tea
- 82. Favorite type of cookie?
- Tea cookies.
- 83. Can you swim well?
- Yes. I'm an excellent swimmer.
- 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
- Yes.
- 85. Are you patient?
- Not as often as I wish i was.
- 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
- A good DJ
- 87. Ever won a contest?
- Yes.
- 88. Ever have plastic surgery?
- No
- 89. Which are better black or green olives?
- I hate olives unless they are oil.
- 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
- Use protection, don't be stupid.
- 91. Best room for a fireplace?
- Living room
- 92. Do you want to get married?
- I am married. Would I like to be legally married? Yes.
- There you go. Lots of bulletted information.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
If God Had A Face, What Would It Look Like?
I can say without doubt that this post is of the complete opposite tenor of my previous one, but there you have it.
I've been doing more reading this week on Wicca and the history of Wicca. I've also spent much more time looking at older traditions of my religion, including Gardenarian and Alexandrian Wicca. I have to say, its really not to my tastes, and its given me a completely new perspective on my religion as a whole.
I have to first say, in all honesty, I truly believe there is no such thing as one right path, even in Wicca. I think that spirituality is something that is fluid and has to relate to the person who is practicing that particular form of spirituality. When I blog, in the following, that I don't particularly care for something, it isn't me saying it is wrong, only that it doesn't resonate for me. This does not mean I feel the people who use such practices should change, or that they are bad, or anything like that. It only means I relate differently. I still respect the founders of these traditions because they have done much for my religion as a whole, and their contributions are both large and valuable.
Rather than boring you with a history lesson, I will instead direct you to information concerning Gardinarian Wicca and Alexandrian Wicca. Feel free to read up, it will give you a much better idea of where I am coming from with regard to my thoughts. In fact, it might also give you a good background to look into Janet and Stewart Ferrar as well, as most of my thoughts have come from reading their excellent books on witchcraft: The Witches' Bible, The Witches' God, and The Witches' Goddess. They are wonderful, well written, informative books. If you are interested in learning more about the general history of Wicca, both in its more ancient forms and in its modern incarnations, I would suggest reading Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, an excellent journalist and practicing pagan.
I will also add, in case you've missed any of my other posts about wicca, that I (along with Sakura, Kitten and Oscelot) am a tradition head for a new form of wicca. Or I should say, if my coven ever hives, I will be. A tradition head simply means that I have founded my own coven and that I (and by I, I mean our group) have created an eclectic coven that operates on its own principles and beliefs within the Wiccan framework. Should, and I hope it does, our coven ever grow past 13 members it will "hive" or split off from the original coven, practicing under new leadership the same things the current coven does, acting as a "daughter coven" which would relate to the older, original coven. The hope is, of course, to have several hives, and a large group of practitioners that relate to your particular brand of wicca because it brings them joy and comfort.
That said, I've had a lot of food for thought in the last couple of days. Part of this is a direct result of reading these books and becoming more intimately acquainted with the particulars of Gardenarian and Alexandrian rituals and coven practice. They really aren't my style. Part of that is that there is a certain ancientness and solemnity surrounding their ritual. Part of it is that it is very solid, there is no change. The ritual for Beltane, for example, is the same every year, and so on for all of the holidays. That, also, is not to my tastes. There is also a certain...I don't know...feel you get from the books I've been reading that while we are all very open about agreeing there is no one right path, the authors of the book feel that if there were one right path to be chosen, it would be theirs. It almost borders on dogma.
As you know, I am a very take it or leave it kind of person. Whenever we have people approach us about joining the coven or wanting to know more about it, I am very open about our ideas and practices. If they like what they hear, we can talk further. If they don't, well, I appreciate their time and we all move on with no hard feelings. I don't believe there is room for dogma in any reasonable religion, because you have to be concerned with other things. I don't have time to fight about whether I am right or wrong, I only need to know that I and my coven feel right about our practice. That has to be enough. We have other things to think about- like living good lives, and playing by the rules, etc. I'm all for theological discussion, but I am not into argument. I don't have the energy for it. Two people can be philosophically very different and agree to respect each others opinion even when they don't see eye to eye.
There was one passage in particular very early in the book (The Witch's Bible) which in specific gave me that impression:
"Interestingly, what Doreen Valiente has done for Gardenarian Wicca in Witchcraft for Tomorrow, Raymond Buckland has done for another tradition, Saxon Wicca, in The Tree, The Complete Book of Saxon Witchcraft. That, too, includes a simple but comprehensive Book of Shadows and procedures for self-initiation and the founding of your own coven. We found many of the rituals in The Tree admirable, though we were less happy about its eight Festival rites, which are even scantier than in the Gardinarian Book of Shadows, and amount to little more than brief spoken declamations; they are based on the idea that the Goddess rules the summer, from Beltaine to Samhain, and the God the winter, from Damhain to Beltaine- a concept to which we cannot attune ourselves. Persephone, who withdraws to the underworld in winter, is only one aspect of the Goddess- a fact which her legend emphasizes by making her the daughter of the Great Mother.
However, to each his own; it is presumptuous to be too dogmatic, from the outside, about other traditions of the Craft. What matters is that anyone who wants to follow the Wiccan path but cannot get in touch with an established coven, now has two valid Wiccan traditions open to him in published form." (The Witches' Bible, p.29)
To me, this passage gave the impression that because the Saxon tradition chose to focus on Persephone as an archetype, and that wasn't really the authors' thing, that they were probably wrong. I wasn't a fan of the phrase "Too dogmatic from the outside" because I don't think you should be too dogmatic at all. It seems as though its maybe more acceptable to them to badmouth other traditions only within the privacy of the coven circle. It goes, to me, directly against one of the basic laws of the Craft "do not gossip or speak evil of other witches." Maybe I'm wrong there. I could be.
Anyway, with that at the outset of my studying, I felt a little unsettled with the book, and wondered how I would feel in relation to their other ideas. I won't bore you with a chapter by chapter analysis of the book, you can read it if you want to. I will say that I did enjoy looking at the basic rituals for all of the holidays, and for how they are relevant to them.
It was not for me.
I believe, very firmly, that wicca is an experiential religion. I think that interaction with god (and by god I of course mean the god, goddess or great spirit, The All, or however you express divinity) is something that is personal and has to relate directly to you. I think there are things that make less sense as a modern witch in some of these traditions than they would if we were still living at the turn of the century. Do I believe that god has existed since before time, is ancient and ageless and perfect? Yep, I sure do. Do I believe that this god is the only god there is? No.
I dislike the idea that god has to be some bearded man in the sky, or some crone sitting on a throne in a castle made of clouds. I see them that way, but I see god as both constant and ever changing. Because god is in everything, and everything changes, then god must change too. How else can he be relevant in a modern age? I think this is why some witches are into ceremonial magick, which involves pop culture references, because it is something relevant that relates to them. To me, its not something I am ready for, because I am more immersed in the things around me than pop culture, but I understand it from the view that we must see god in all places, rather than in one.
To me, the idea that god can only be spoken to in flowery, old fashioned language is an insult to the deity. They created the world which we live in, and have watched and existed in the changes that humans manifest. They would surely understand this blog post as well as they would a Shakespearean sonnet, right? (Maybe better, who writes in sonnets but bards?)
I have a hard time accepting that just because a way of doing things is older, or has been done more often, means it is better or works more effectively. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes not at all. Experience, then, is the only test of what really works for a person.
Another thing that I found irksome was the implication that if you were not living in the country it was hard to be in touch with the earth and the seasons. This is particularly insulting because we practice an earth based religion where the cycle of the seasons marks the turn of our year, our lives, and gives significance to our holidays. To tell me that if I can only view the change of the fall into winter from my window at my house in town rather than seeing my field frost in the country makes me less attuned to the earth, is the same as telling me that because I drive a car, I cannot relate to the feeling of walking or riding a bicycle or a horse. That's silly. Its condescending to say that when I note to myself that its time to get out the winter sweaters and scarves that this is my only way of marking the passing of the seasons is purely insulting. I may not have fields but I have a yard, and gardens and parks and lakes very close to me. My garden may be small, but it is mine, and I tend it with as much love as I would a whole crop of wheat.
My relationship to the earth, indeed, is one I could argue is as strong, or more strong, than a country person's because I crave the earth more- having less access to it on a moment to moment basis. I appreciate the fruits from my garden more, because I am not always able to have them. They are wonderful to me, and I understand the barrenness that comes with Lammas, Mabon and the dark months better, because I have less to store and enjoy during those times. Don't I count the months in which I wait to seed start? Don't I wait, too, for the blooming of my first flower in the spring?
Maybe I am wrongly indignant, but to me, saying "poor little city witch, you'll never feel the seasons the way I do" is hurtful and marginalizes my experience with the earth as a witch because I am not fortunate to have the means to live on a giant farm or commune. This is not the path for everyone. And to marginalize that path because it is not yours? I call it hubris.
There are other things, too, that bother me. Grated, this book was written in 1981, and those traditions were founded long before the gay liberation movement, or even the women's right's movement, but there is a distinct distaste projected in the book for gay covens and gay coven members. They say they do indeed, have gay friends, and gay coven members, but the coven members were only allowed in when they were able to "assume the role of their actual gender when in a Wiccan context." Thsi could of course lead to a lengthy discourse on whether or not a person's actual gender is their sex organs or what is in their soul, but lets all agree to what is obvious- I think that's a silly thing to require.
I also seem to feel more than a little reverse discrimination in the idea of these forms of wicca, and its something that bothers me deeply. I do know that I practice a goddess centered religion. As the High Priestess of my coven, I am the supreme authority, and the High Priest is second to me. In our mythology, the mother goddess never dies, whereas the father god is sacrificed twice a year for the sake of fertility (that's an oversimplification, but you get the gist of it). However, it seems wrong to me not to recognize further the polarity of nature. Is there not light and dark, day and night, frost and fire, god and goddess? Everything has a mate, a match, an opposite. This, to me, seems something that should hold true in the religious structure as well.
Sakura, who I am blessed to work with, is our High Priest. He is my dear friend and partner in this spiritual journey. In other traditions of wicca, it is not uncommon for a husband and wife to be high priest and priestess. However, we are both gay. I can say though, he and I understand each other fully, and there is no question in my mind of how we ever need proceed. It is an excellent partnership based on trust and love. His contributions to our tradition are no less significant than mine. It bothers me that as a priest of the wicca, he may be accorded the honor of "strapping on the sword" which is his right as a High Priest and a tradition head. It is his symbol of manhood and strength, and of the gifts of the god. I may wear a garter, with buckles for each of my daughter covens, and it is my honor and right as a High Priestess and tradition head to do so. What upsets me is that I may also strap on the sword. But Sakura may not wear a garter, because he is a male. I suppose this is to signify that while a woman can imbibe and even imitate the strength of a man by using an imitation phallus, a male may never understand the female experience because he cannot get rid of his penis.
I call bullshit. What about Oscelot, who has both sets of chromosomes, though she has a female's body? What does she do? May she only strap on the sword, because of her Y chromosome? I find it puzzling. I do see, with respect to Dianic Wicaa, which is all female, the need for a woman to strap on the sword. But what happens in an all male coven? Do such covens even exist? They surely must...but I have never heard of them. I would be interested to see what they do in such a situation. Polarity, to me, and the recognition of balance, seems so much more important.
The only other thing which I truly disagree with is the opinion of working skyclad, or naked. Now, I completely agree that if you want to and you have a private place to practice, its your right. I mean, it goes without saying you can raise great energy when you are not working with clothes- there is less between you and the rest of the universe. But there was implied that working with clothes on, choosing not to be skyclad was a result of three things- the first, vanity. If you are thinking of how you feel naked, you are more concerned with how you look than how your soul looks. The next is prudery, which I won't even argue, because you can read the post I made before this and know I'm not a prude. Finally, there is the implication that modesty is something that is imposed upon all of us by the patriarchal society that we live in. The man, they say, is trying to keep me covered.
I disagree completely. If my body, in its divinity, is something I regard as a beauty and a mystery, my source of power, why would I reveal that to someone? Even within the sacred circle, where I am with my most trusted spiritual family, I feel as though my understanding of myself and my divinity is mine alone, as their body and their divinity is theirs. Do I choose to share that with some of my circle, certainly. I am married to Kitten and I am lovers with Oscelot. however, it is only upon deep spiritual connection that I would choose to make the jump from physical connection to spiritual connection with regards to my body. As it is, I only do that with Kitten, and that's my private business.
I am not ashamed of myself. Yes, I am vain, but not so that I would be thinking of whether or not my coven thinks my thighs are fat. They seem them often enough when I wear skirts, or my underwear or whatever. I trust them to see me as I am. I don't need to be naked to touch the divine. The divine is already within the body, and in touch with me, whether I am clothed or not. And, though it may seem bold to say so, I trust my ability to raise power with my clothes on just fine.
So what has all this reflection done for me? It has made me more determined than ever to found a tradition of wicca, and to work with other traditions of wicca, who have the spiritual best in mind for their covens, where the relevance of deity is something that comes from both a modern and ancient perspective. I want to be a tradition where there is equal respect for all aspects of deity, and recognition of polarity in all places, not just in form or thought.
As I said, I am not saying they are wrong. It works for them, and practice is the only way to know whether or not something will work for you. I simply think it does not work for me, and I felt like I wanted to write about why. As I mentioned, I have great respect for the traditions I have mentioned. I have great respect for the authors in question. Without them, I would not have the tools I have now to form my own ideas and opinions. I will even confess that parts of my eclectic tradition draw from their traditions. But not all of them. Not even most of them.
I am much more clear, now, though, as to what direction I would like to take my coven. I know where I feel I have more growth to make, and where I can work to do more for the development of our spirituality and philosophy. For that, I am very thankful.
I hope my little rant has been interesting, or at least enlightening or entertaining for you.
AGxx
A note, I obviously do not own Janet and Stewart Ferrar, any of their books or covens. I do not have claim to Alexandrian or Gardinarian or Saxon witchcraft. In general, nothing is my own except my coven and my opinions. I do, however, encourage you to read them in full to get a full picture of their ideas and thoughts, as this is merely my reflections and impressions of their work. Their ideas are their own, which I respect. I have no intention of offending or misusing any of their works, and this post was made with the intention of expressing my love of the Craft, harming none.
I've been doing more reading this week on Wicca and the history of Wicca. I've also spent much more time looking at older traditions of my religion, including Gardenarian and Alexandrian Wicca. I have to say, its really not to my tastes, and its given me a completely new perspective on my religion as a whole.
I have to first say, in all honesty, I truly believe there is no such thing as one right path, even in Wicca. I think that spirituality is something that is fluid and has to relate to the person who is practicing that particular form of spirituality. When I blog, in the following, that I don't particularly care for something, it isn't me saying it is wrong, only that it doesn't resonate for me. This does not mean I feel the people who use such practices should change, or that they are bad, or anything like that. It only means I relate differently. I still respect the founders of these traditions because they have done much for my religion as a whole, and their contributions are both large and valuable.
Rather than boring you with a history lesson, I will instead direct you to information concerning Gardinarian Wicca and Alexandrian Wicca. Feel free to read up, it will give you a much better idea of where I am coming from with regard to my thoughts. In fact, it might also give you a good background to look into Janet and Stewart Ferrar as well, as most of my thoughts have come from reading their excellent books on witchcraft: The Witches' Bible, The Witches' God, and The Witches' Goddess. They are wonderful, well written, informative books. If you are interested in learning more about the general history of Wicca, both in its more ancient forms and in its modern incarnations, I would suggest reading Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, an excellent journalist and practicing pagan.
I will also add, in case you've missed any of my other posts about wicca, that I (along with Sakura, Kitten and Oscelot) am a tradition head for a new form of wicca. Or I should say, if my coven ever hives, I will be. A tradition head simply means that I have founded my own coven and that I (and by I, I mean our group) have created an eclectic coven that operates on its own principles and beliefs within the Wiccan framework. Should, and I hope it does, our coven ever grow past 13 members it will "hive" or split off from the original coven, practicing under new leadership the same things the current coven does, acting as a "daughter coven" which would relate to the older, original coven. The hope is, of course, to have several hives, and a large group of practitioners that relate to your particular brand of wicca because it brings them joy and comfort.
That said, I've had a lot of food for thought in the last couple of days. Part of this is a direct result of reading these books and becoming more intimately acquainted with the particulars of Gardenarian and Alexandrian rituals and coven practice. They really aren't my style. Part of that is that there is a certain ancientness and solemnity surrounding their ritual. Part of it is that it is very solid, there is no change. The ritual for Beltane, for example, is the same every year, and so on for all of the holidays. That, also, is not to my tastes. There is also a certain...I don't know...feel you get from the books I've been reading that while we are all very open about agreeing there is no one right path, the authors of the book feel that if there were one right path to be chosen, it would be theirs. It almost borders on dogma.
As you know, I am a very take it or leave it kind of person. Whenever we have people approach us about joining the coven or wanting to know more about it, I am very open about our ideas and practices. If they like what they hear, we can talk further. If they don't, well, I appreciate their time and we all move on with no hard feelings. I don't believe there is room for dogma in any reasonable religion, because you have to be concerned with other things. I don't have time to fight about whether I am right or wrong, I only need to know that I and my coven feel right about our practice. That has to be enough. We have other things to think about- like living good lives, and playing by the rules, etc. I'm all for theological discussion, but I am not into argument. I don't have the energy for it. Two people can be philosophically very different and agree to respect each others opinion even when they don't see eye to eye.
There was one passage in particular very early in the book (The Witch's Bible) which in specific gave me that impression:
"Interestingly, what Doreen Valiente has done for Gardenarian Wicca in Witchcraft for Tomorrow, Raymond Buckland has done for another tradition, Saxon Wicca, in The Tree, The Complete Book of Saxon Witchcraft. That, too, includes a simple but comprehensive Book of Shadows and procedures for self-initiation and the founding of your own coven. We found many of the rituals in The Tree admirable, though we were less happy about its eight Festival rites, which are even scantier than in the Gardinarian Book of Shadows, and amount to little more than brief spoken declamations; they are based on the idea that the Goddess rules the summer, from Beltaine to Samhain, and the God the winter, from Damhain to Beltaine- a concept to which we cannot attune ourselves. Persephone, who withdraws to the underworld in winter, is only one aspect of the Goddess- a fact which her legend emphasizes by making her the daughter of the Great Mother.
However, to each his own; it is presumptuous to be too dogmatic, from the outside, about other traditions of the Craft. What matters is that anyone who wants to follow the Wiccan path but cannot get in touch with an established coven, now has two valid Wiccan traditions open to him in published form." (The Witches' Bible, p.29)
To me, this passage gave the impression that because the Saxon tradition chose to focus on Persephone as an archetype, and that wasn't really the authors' thing, that they were probably wrong. I wasn't a fan of the phrase "Too dogmatic from the outside" because I don't think you should be too dogmatic at all. It seems as though its maybe more acceptable to them to badmouth other traditions only within the privacy of the coven circle. It goes, to me, directly against one of the basic laws of the Craft "do not gossip or speak evil of other witches." Maybe I'm wrong there. I could be.
Anyway, with that at the outset of my studying, I felt a little unsettled with the book, and wondered how I would feel in relation to their other ideas. I won't bore you with a chapter by chapter analysis of the book, you can read it if you want to. I will say that I did enjoy looking at the basic rituals for all of the holidays, and for how they are relevant to them.
It was not for me.
I believe, very firmly, that wicca is an experiential religion. I think that interaction with god (and by god I of course mean the god, goddess or great spirit, The All, or however you express divinity) is something that is personal and has to relate directly to you. I think there are things that make less sense as a modern witch in some of these traditions than they would if we were still living at the turn of the century. Do I believe that god has existed since before time, is ancient and ageless and perfect? Yep, I sure do. Do I believe that this god is the only god there is? No.
I dislike the idea that god has to be some bearded man in the sky, or some crone sitting on a throne in a castle made of clouds. I see them that way, but I see god as both constant and ever changing. Because god is in everything, and everything changes, then god must change too. How else can he be relevant in a modern age? I think this is why some witches are into ceremonial magick, which involves pop culture references, because it is something relevant that relates to them. To me, its not something I am ready for, because I am more immersed in the things around me than pop culture, but I understand it from the view that we must see god in all places, rather than in one.
To me, the idea that god can only be spoken to in flowery, old fashioned language is an insult to the deity. They created the world which we live in, and have watched and existed in the changes that humans manifest. They would surely understand this blog post as well as they would a Shakespearean sonnet, right? (Maybe better, who writes in sonnets but bards?)
I have a hard time accepting that just because a way of doing things is older, or has been done more often, means it is better or works more effectively. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes not at all. Experience, then, is the only test of what really works for a person.
Another thing that I found irksome was the implication that if you were not living in the country it was hard to be in touch with the earth and the seasons. This is particularly insulting because we practice an earth based religion where the cycle of the seasons marks the turn of our year, our lives, and gives significance to our holidays. To tell me that if I can only view the change of the fall into winter from my window at my house in town rather than seeing my field frost in the country makes me less attuned to the earth, is the same as telling me that because I drive a car, I cannot relate to the feeling of walking or riding a bicycle or a horse. That's silly. Its condescending to say that when I note to myself that its time to get out the winter sweaters and scarves that this is my only way of marking the passing of the seasons is purely insulting. I may not have fields but I have a yard, and gardens and parks and lakes very close to me. My garden may be small, but it is mine, and I tend it with as much love as I would a whole crop of wheat.
My relationship to the earth, indeed, is one I could argue is as strong, or more strong, than a country person's because I crave the earth more- having less access to it on a moment to moment basis. I appreciate the fruits from my garden more, because I am not always able to have them. They are wonderful to me, and I understand the barrenness that comes with Lammas, Mabon and the dark months better, because I have less to store and enjoy during those times. Don't I count the months in which I wait to seed start? Don't I wait, too, for the blooming of my first flower in the spring?
Maybe I am wrongly indignant, but to me, saying "poor little city witch, you'll never feel the seasons the way I do" is hurtful and marginalizes my experience with the earth as a witch because I am not fortunate to have the means to live on a giant farm or commune. This is not the path for everyone. And to marginalize that path because it is not yours? I call it hubris.
There are other things, too, that bother me. Grated, this book was written in 1981, and those traditions were founded long before the gay liberation movement, or even the women's right's movement, but there is a distinct distaste projected in the book for gay covens and gay coven members. They say they do indeed, have gay friends, and gay coven members, but the coven members were only allowed in when they were able to "assume the role of their actual gender when in a Wiccan context." Thsi could of course lead to a lengthy discourse on whether or not a person's actual gender is their sex organs or what is in their soul, but lets all agree to what is obvious- I think that's a silly thing to require.
I also seem to feel more than a little reverse discrimination in the idea of these forms of wicca, and its something that bothers me deeply. I do know that I practice a goddess centered religion. As the High Priestess of my coven, I am the supreme authority, and the High Priest is second to me. In our mythology, the mother goddess never dies, whereas the father god is sacrificed twice a year for the sake of fertility (that's an oversimplification, but you get the gist of it). However, it seems wrong to me not to recognize further the polarity of nature. Is there not light and dark, day and night, frost and fire, god and goddess? Everything has a mate, a match, an opposite. This, to me, seems something that should hold true in the religious structure as well.
Sakura, who I am blessed to work with, is our High Priest. He is my dear friend and partner in this spiritual journey. In other traditions of wicca, it is not uncommon for a husband and wife to be high priest and priestess. However, we are both gay. I can say though, he and I understand each other fully, and there is no question in my mind of how we ever need proceed. It is an excellent partnership based on trust and love. His contributions to our tradition are no less significant than mine. It bothers me that as a priest of the wicca, he may be accorded the honor of "strapping on the sword" which is his right as a High Priest and a tradition head. It is his symbol of manhood and strength, and of the gifts of the god. I may wear a garter, with buckles for each of my daughter covens, and it is my honor and right as a High Priestess and tradition head to do so. What upsets me is that I may also strap on the sword. But Sakura may not wear a garter, because he is a male. I suppose this is to signify that while a woman can imbibe and even imitate the strength of a man by using an imitation phallus, a male may never understand the female experience because he cannot get rid of his penis.
I call bullshit. What about Oscelot, who has both sets of chromosomes, though she has a female's body? What does she do? May she only strap on the sword, because of her Y chromosome? I find it puzzling. I do see, with respect to Dianic Wicaa, which is all female, the need for a woman to strap on the sword. But what happens in an all male coven? Do such covens even exist? They surely must...but I have never heard of them. I would be interested to see what they do in such a situation. Polarity, to me, and the recognition of balance, seems so much more important.
The only other thing which I truly disagree with is the opinion of working skyclad, or naked. Now, I completely agree that if you want to and you have a private place to practice, its your right. I mean, it goes without saying you can raise great energy when you are not working with clothes- there is less between you and the rest of the universe. But there was implied that working with clothes on, choosing not to be skyclad was a result of three things- the first, vanity. If you are thinking of how you feel naked, you are more concerned with how you look than how your soul looks. The next is prudery, which I won't even argue, because you can read the post I made before this and know I'm not a prude. Finally, there is the implication that modesty is something that is imposed upon all of us by the patriarchal society that we live in. The man, they say, is trying to keep me covered.
I disagree completely. If my body, in its divinity, is something I regard as a beauty and a mystery, my source of power, why would I reveal that to someone? Even within the sacred circle, where I am with my most trusted spiritual family, I feel as though my understanding of myself and my divinity is mine alone, as their body and their divinity is theirs. Do I choose to share that with some of my circle, certainly. I am married to Kitten and I am lovers with Oscelot. however, it is only upon deep spiritual connection that I would choose to make the jump from physical connection to spiritual connection with regards to my body. As it is, I only do that with Kitten, and that's my private business.
I am not ashamed of myself. Yes, I am vain, but not so that I would be thinking of whether or not my coven thinks my thighs are fat. They seem them often enough when I wear skirts, or my underwear or whatever. I trust them to see me as I am. I don't need to be naked to touch the divine. The divine is already within the body, and in touch with me, whether I am clothed or not. And, though it may seem bold to say so, I trust my ability to raise power with my clothes on just fine.
So what has all this reflection done for me? It has made me more determined than ever to found a tradition of wicca, and to work with other traditions of wicca, who have the spiritual best in mind for their covens, where the relevance of deity is something that comes from both a modern and ancient perspective. I want to be a tradition where there is equal respect for all aspects of deity, and recognition of polarity in all places, not just in form or thought.
As I said, I am not saying they are wrong. It works for them, and practice is the only way to know whether or not something will work for you. I simply think it does not work for me, and I felt like I wanted to write about why. As I mentioned, I have great respect for the traditions I have mentioned. I have great respect for the authors in question. Without them, I would not have the tools I have now to form my own ideas and opinions. I will even confess that parts of my eclectic tradition draw from their traditions. But not all of them. Not even most of them.
I am much more clear, now, though, as to what direction I would like to take my coven. I know where I feel I have more growth to make, and where I can work to do more for the development of our spirituality and philosophy. For that, I am very thankful.
I hope my little rant has been interesting, or at least enlightening or entertaining for you.
AGxx
A note, I obviously do not own Janet and Stewart Ferrar, any of their books or covens. I do not have claim to Alexandrian or Gardinarian or Saxon witchcraft. In general, nothing is my own except my coven and my opinions. I do, however, encourage you to read them in full to get a full picture of their ideas and thoughts, as this is merely my reflections and impressions of their work. Their ideas are their own, which I respect. I have no intention of offending or misusing any of their works, and this post was made with the intention of expressing my love of the Craft, harming none.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Lets talk about Sex
Warning, this post will contain information of a sexual nature. If you don't want to know about me and sex, don't read it. If you do...well, there you go.
I don't think there's anything I want to do that I haven't tried, honestly,
What is something you have never done in bed before?
Uh, watersports. And I won't. That's gross. Also, I've never had sex with more than two people at once. That I don't mind.
What time of day do you like to have sex?
Uh, I don't care? I like right before bed or first thing in the am, but I'm not too picky.
What do you absolutely need to see to turn you on?
I need to see that my partner wants me. I think its silly this idea that you have to see skin or be titivated by flesh to get turned on or excited. A truly beautiful person who makes you feel sexy can make you hot even if they're wearing a full length sweater and wool pants.
How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
Not very long. I like to touch the people I am with.
If someone was in the next room would it make you nervous or excited?
It would depend on who it was. As a general rule, I'd say I would rather they go find something to do.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Yes. But not recently.
What Part of your body are you self-conscious about?
My legs and my feet. I think my toes are warped from ballet when i was younger and I worry that I have monster thighs. I probably don't, but there you have it.
Do you have any sexual regrets?
Nope
How Important is sex in your life?
Important but not vital. It makes a relationship special, but you don't have to have it to love someone. I'm not one of those people who'll reproach their partners with "You haven't had sex with my in
(x) days. You don't love me anymore." I might miss them, but I realize sometimes sleep or quality time doing something that isn't sex is more important.
Do you like biting and scratching?
Sometimes. But not, like, drawing blood. And not preplanned. I'm a heat of the moment kind of girl.
How do you feel about leaving marks?
I like them in private spots you don't see, like the thighs or the rib cage, or the back. I think marks on the neck are tacky.
Do you believe in make-up sex?
Well, it exists, yes... I don't think sex is the best way to commemorate the fact that you've had an argument.
Have you ever had a one night stand?
Sort of. I knew them, but I only slept with them once. Does that count?
Have you ever rebounded and known you were doing so?
Yes
Who did you lose your virginity to?
I guy I dated in high school that was a jerk and probably didn't deserve it. His name was Nathan.
When and Where did you lose your virginity?
I was 15, it was September 25 in the middle of the afternoon and in a bed...
Would you go down on your bf/gf under a restaurant table?
No. I think that's tacky.
Where would you have sex in public?
Not really my thing. I have...but it wasn't my thing. I'm too paranoid. Also, I'd like to think I'm a lady
Would you ever have sex while at work?
No
Would you have sex in the rain?
Maybe. Location is everything.
What movie makes you horny?
Uh, none that I can think of off the top of my head. There's actors and actresses I find attractive but that's about it. I'm a real life person. Movies are so contrived.
What do you like Trimed,Shaved or natural?
Trimmed. Although that's a preference. I don't care with most women. Honestly, I think all three can be sexy. Its all about the person and how they wear their personality in bed.
Would you have sex in a dressing room?
No
Do you like your partner to be loud during sex?
If they are naturally loud, yes. I hate when people make noise because they think they need to be loud. I'd rather it be natural. Conversely, though, I've been with people who told me talking or excessive noise turned them off and I spent the whole time worried I was being too loud.
What words do you like to hear during sex?
True ones
How many times a week do you like to have sex?
When I can? I don't normally set a number...
Have you done the 69 position?
Seeing as how I'm not 16. Yes.
What are the top 3 erogenous zones on your body?
My back, my hips, my mouth
Top or Bottom?
Depends. I can be happy either way. It just depends on the day and (you got this) who my partner is.
Bedroom or other room?
Bedroom. Call me boring. I like soft surfaces.
Lights on or off?
That depends on my partner and what they are comfortable with. Time of day also makes a difference. I like morning sunlight and moonlight to the light directly overhead in my room. If I need light, I'd rather crack the bathroom door and leave the light on in there. Its to help me see, not provide a spotlight.
Public or Private?
Private
Partially or Entirely naked?
Naked. Partially can be hot, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be naked.
Naughty Videos or Hot Photos?
Real people. I really would rather have a real person in front of me. If I have to break down and use porn, believe me when I say I'd rather it be well written and I get to make the pictures in my head.
Lacy Panties/Silk Boxers or Leather?
Yes
Fast & Hard or Slow & Gentle?
Yes
Standing up or Laying down?
laying down
Soft or Firm touch?
Yes
Under Covers or On top?
Yes. EXCEPT- in the winter I require blankets because I am cold natured.
Is there any desire that you want to try that you think is taboo?
No
Any New Positions you havent done but want to try?
We covered this first. No.
Do you have any sexual fetishes you want to explore?
Explore? No. But I have some.
Are there any secret desires you have never told?
Would I tell them here? No, I'm a pretty open person. I mean, I think everyone has desires that they don't talk about, and I think that's fine, but it doesn't make them secret. I think that word implies you would need to hide it for a reason, and I don't see the need for that.
Where in the house is your favorite spot to have sex?
In my bed.
What is your favorite thing about sex?
The way my partner looks and sounds
What is your favorite sexual setting?
I don't have one
Would you ever fool around in a movie theater?
Nope
Would you ever make a porno with your bf/gf?
I've filmed before. I wouldn't post it on the internet or anything.
Would you ever do a photo shoot in sexy clothes for your bf/gf?
Yes
Do you think you need sex more or less often than the average person?
Haha. I would like it more. But I don't care so much that its necessary. So yes and no?
Do you like it rough or sensual?:
Its depends. Usually its sensual.
Do you prefer to be with the opposite sex or the same sex? or both?:
Same sex
Do you have sex face to face with your partner?:
Yes
How often do you get drunk and have wild, crazy sexy with a complete stranger?:
Never
How do you feel about one night stands?:
I try to avoid them. I don't think they're safe and they are usually less enjoyable because you don't know your partner.
Do you prefer to make love or fuck?:
Making love
Have you ever watched porn while having sex?:
Yes. It was boring sex too. It was for the gratification of my partner at the time, who would not admit for the life of him that he actually liked men. But he loved slash porn and that kind of stuff. So we watched it. I think he had a nice time. I wouldn't do it again.
How long do you usually fore-play before doing the deed?:
As long as possible
Do you like kissing during sex?:
YES
Does size matter?:
Well, in my experience, yes. But not the way you would think. I think its more important that you fit well together and everyone knows that they're doing. I've been with people who were smaller (hands and genitalia, btw) and they were fine. I've been with people who were huge and awful. But those are exceptions, not rules. Each person is different. I think paying attention to your partner's needs is more important.
How many sexual partners have you have in the last month?
I have two sex partners. That's it. Ever probably.
What does your favorite fore-play include?:
Enjoying the person I'm with.
Have you ever done anal? If so, did you like it?:
Yes. And sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends on your partner.
Have you ever have sex for money?:
Never.
Have you ever bribed someone to sleep with you?:
No. There's this thing called dignity...
How many positions do you like to do during one episode?:
Uh, whatever I'm in the mood for? Its not like I keep track.
Do you ever worry about how you’re pleasing your partner?:
Not anymore. No. I'm good at what I do. I know that. I used to be more uncomfortable with how I preformed with men, because obviously, I have less experience there, and I'm not as comfortable. I also tend to be way more selfish with men because usually sex with them is a means to an end. Then again, with that the case, why worry, right? With women I know what I'm doing and I love it.
Could you live without sex?:
I imagine so, but it might get boring...I suppose I should say yes, I could, but I would be very disappointed to have to.
How long does a typical sexual episode last for you?:
Couple hours or so?
Do you like to perform oral sex?:
Yes!
Do you like to recieve oral sex?:
Yes
Have you ever taped yourself in the act?:
We covered this.
Have you ever had a 3-some? 4-some? 5-some?:
Threesome. That's it.
Have you ever been caught in the act?:
Yes.
Have you ever had sex on drugs?:
yes
Do you spit or swallow?:
Neither. lol
Would you let other people watch you have sex live?:
No
Do you ever have sex in the shower?:
No
What was the biggest age difference with a partner?:
About 12 years
Do you feel your up to par in bed?:
Yes
What was your most embarrassing sexual moments?:
Um, I had a partner who was chewing gum and she had it on her palm during...it was embarrassing getting it off of me... I became a much stricter groomer after that. Outside of that, I think sex is taken too seriously most of the time. Just because a position doesn't go well or you make a weird noise or whatever doesn't mean you should be ashamed.
Do you like having sex in cars? If so, driver seat, passenger, or back?:
Not really.
Do you wear protection as often as you should?:
Well, since I'm in a relationship now, no I don't because I got tested, as did my partner and we both know we're clean. If I were to be in another relationship I would every time. Always use protection, always, always get tested after every partner and every 6 months, kids, its the only safe way.
Do you prefer to sleep with someone older or younger than you?:
I think maturity and compatibility are more important, but older.
Have you ever done bondage sex (chains,whips,etc.)?:
Yes.
Can you remember who gave you the best sex of your life?:
Yes. She's the first thing I see every morning.
If you could sleep with ANYONE, would would it be?:
You know, I have a "would" list, but I'm pretty happy with how things stand as they are. Okay, okay...as far as males go...I think Alexander Skarsgard is really pretty. Then again, i think he's gay, so that's off the options anyway, isn't it. As far as women celebrities go...you know...I don't know. Because a woman can be beautiful and I could still not enjoy her because of her personality. So I guess the safest bet would be Ellen Degeneres because I think she is both sweet and funny. I wouldn't say no to Tina Fey either, for that same reason.
There you go, kids. The ABC's of sex with me. Feel free to repost in the comments, or at your place, and let me know. If you feel like sharing. Or feel free to ask questions I might not have answered. I'm pretty well an open book.
AGxx
* I'd like to make the note I edited this after I went to bed because it occurred to me that I have an annoying habit of answering questions with single words.I haven't posted about sex in a while, and I saw this on one of my friend's blogs, so I thought I would give it a go. Some of these questions may not apply to me, so I'll do my best answering them, but for the most part I think I can cover most of these.
What is something you have always wanted to try sexually?
I don't think there's anything I want to do that I haven't tried, honestly,
What is something you have never done in bed before?
Uh, watersports. And I won't. That's gross. Also, I've never had sex with more than two people at once. That I don't mind.
What time of day do you like to have sex?
Uh, I don't care? I like right before bed or first thing in the am, but I'm not too picky.
What do you absolutely need to see to turn you on?
I need to see that my partner wants me. I think its silly this idea that you have to see skin or be titivated by flesh to get turned on or excited. A truly beautiful person who makes you feel sexy can make you hot even if they're wearing a full length sweater and wool pants.
How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
Not very long. I like to touch the people I am with.
If someone was in the next room would it make you nervous or excited?
It would depend on who it was. As a general rule, I'd say I would rather they go find something to do.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Yes. But not recently.
What Part of your body are you self-conscious about?
My legs and my feet. I think my toes are warped from ballet when i was younger and I worry that I have monster thighs. I probably don't, but there you have it.
Do you have any sexual regrets?
Nope
How Important is sex in your life?
Important but not vital. It makes a relationship special, but you don't have to have it to love someone. I'm not one of those people who'll reproach their partners with "You haven't had sex with my in
(x) days. You don't love me anymore." I might miss them, but I realize sometimes sleep or quality time doing something that isn't sex is more important.
Do you like biting and scratching?
Sometimes. But not, like, drawing blood. And not preplanned. I'm a heat of the moment kind of girl.
How do you feel about leaving marks?
I like them in private spots you don't see, like the thighs or the rib cage, or the back. I think marks on the neck are tacky.
Do you believe in make-up sex?
Well, it exists, yes... I don't think sex is the best way to commemorate the fact that you've had an argument.
Have you ever had a one night stand?
Sort of. I knew them, but I only slept with them once. Does that count?
Have you ever rebounded and known you were doing so?
Yes
Who did you lose your virginity to?
I guy I dated in high school that was a jerk and probably didn't deserve it. His name was Nathan.
When and Where did you lose your virginity?
I was 15, it was September 25 in the middle of the afternoon and in a bed...
Would you go down on your bf/gf under a restaurant table?
No. I think that's tacky.
Where would you have sex in public?
Not really my thing. I have...but it wasn't my thing. I'm too paranoid. Also, I'd like to think I'm a lady
Would you ever have sex while at work?
No
Would you have sex in the rain?
Maybe. Location is everything.
What movie makes you horny?
Uh, none that I can think of off the top of my head. There's actors and actresses I find attractive but that's about it. I'm a real life person. Movies are so contrived.
What do you like Trimed,Shaved or natural?
Trimmed. Although that's a preference. I don't care with most women. Honestly, I think all three can be sexy. Its all about the person and how they wear their personality in bed.
Would you have sex in a dressing room?
No
Do you like your partner to be loud during sex?
If they are naturally loud, yes. I hate when people make noise because they think they need to be loud. I'd rather it be natural. Conversely, though, I've been with people who told me talking or excessive noise turned them off and I spent the whole time worried I was being too loud.
What words do you like to hear during sex?
True ones
How many times a week do you like to have sex?
When I can? I don't normally set a number...
Have you done the 69 position?
Seeing as how I'm not 16. Yes.
What are the top 3 erogenous zones on your body?
My back, my hips, my mouth
Top or Bottom?
Depends. I can be happy either way. It just depends on the day and (you got this) who my partner is.
Bedroom or other room?
Bedroom. Call me boring. I like soft surfaces.
Lights on or off?
That depends on my partner and what they are comfortable with. Time of day also makes a difference. I like morning sunlight and moonlight to the light directly overhead in my room. If I need light, I'd rather crack the bathroom door and leave the light on in there. Its to help me see, not provide a spotlight.
Public or Private?
Private
Partially or Entirely naked?
Naked. Partially can be hot, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be naked.
Naughty Videos or Hot Photos?
Real people. I really would rather have a real person in front of me. If I have to break down and use porn, believe me when I say I'd rather it be well written and I get to make the pictures in my head.
Lacy Panties/Silk Boxers or Leather?
Yes
Fast & Hard or Slow & Gentle?
Yes
Standing up or Laying down?
laying down
Soft or Firm touch?
Yes
Under Covers or On top?
Yes. EXCEPT- in the winter I require blankets because I am cold natured.
Is there any desire that you want to try that you think is taboo?
No
Any New Positions you havent done but want to try?
We covered this first. No.
Do you have any sexual fetishes you want to explore?
Explore? No. But I have some.
Are there any secret desires you have never told?
Would I tell them here? No, I'm a pretty open person. I mean, I think everyone has desires that they don't talk about, and I think that's fine, but it doesn't make them secret. I think that word implies you would need to hide it for a reason, and I don't see the need for that.
Where in the house is your favorite spot to have sex?
In my bed.
What is your favorite thing about sex?
The way my partner looks and sounds
What is your favorite sexual setting?
I don't have one
Would you ever fool around in a movie theater?
Nope
Would you ever make a porno with your bf/gf?
I've filmed before. I wouldn't post it on the internet or anything.
Would you ever do a photo shoot in sexy clothes for your bf/gf?
Yes
Do you think you need sex more or less often than the average person?
Haha. I would like it more. But I don't care so much that its necessary. So yes and no?
Do you like it rough or sensual?:
Its depends. Usually its sensual.
Do you prefer to be with the opposite sex or the same sex? or both?:
Same sex
Do you have sex face to face with your partner?:
Yes
How often do you get drunk and have wild, crazy sexy with a complete stranger?:
Never
How do you feel about one night stands?:
I try to avoid them. I don't think they're safe and they are usually less enjoyable because you don't know your partner.
Do you prefer to make love or fuck?:
Making love
Have you ever watched porn while having sex?:
Yes. It was boring sex too. It was for the gratification of my partner at the time, who would not admit for the life of him that he actually liked men. But he loved slash porn and that kind of stuff. So we watched it. I think he had a nice time. I wouldn't do it again.
How long do you usually fore-play before doing the deed?:
As long as possible
Do you like kissing during sex?:
YES
Does size matter?:
Well, in my experience, yes. But not the way you would think. I think its more important that you fit well together and everyone knows that they're doing. I've been with people who were smaller (hands and genitalia, btw) and they were fine. I've been with people who were huge and awful. But those are exceptions, not rules. Each person is different. I think paying attention to your partner's needs is more important.
How many sexual partners have you have in the last month?
I have two sex partners. That's it. Ever probably.
What does your favorite fore-play include?:
Enjoying the person I'm with.
Have you ever done anal? If so, did you like it?:
Yes. And sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends on your partner.
Have you ever have sex for money?:
Never.
Have you ever bribed someone to sleep with you?:
No. There's this thing called dignity...
How many positions do you like to do during one episode?:
Uh, whatever I'm in the mood for? Its not like I keep track.
Do you ever worry about how you’re pleasing your partner?:
Not anymore. No. I'm good at what I do. I know that. I used to be more uncomfortable with how I preformed with men, because obviously, I have less experience there, and I'm not as comfortable. I also tend to be way more selfish with men because usually sex with them is a means to an end. Then again, with that the case, why worry, right? With women I know what I'm doing and I love it.
Could you live without sex?:
I imagine so, but it might get boring...I suppose I should say yes, I could, but I would be very disappointed to have to.
How long does a typical sexual episode last for you?:
Couple hours or so?
Do you like to perform oral sex?:
Yes!
Do you like to recieve oral sex?:
Yes
Have you ever taped yourself in the act?:
We covered this.
Have you ever had a 3-some? 4-some? 5-some?:
Threesome. That's it.
Have you ever been caught in the act?:
Yes.
Have you ever had sex on drugs?:
yes
Do you spit or swallow?:
Neither. lol
Would you let other people watch you have sex live?:
No
Do you ever have sex in the shower?:
No
What was the biggest age difference with a partner?:
About 12 years
Do you feel your up to par in bed?:
Yes
What was your most embarrassing sexual moments?:
Um, I had a partner who was chewing gum and she had it on her palm during...it was embarrassing getting it off of me... I became a much stricter groomer after that. Outside of that, I think sex is taken too seriously most of the time. Just because a position doesn't go well or you make a weird noise or whatever doesn't mean you should be ashamed.
Do you like having sex in cars? If so, driver seat, passenger, or back?:
Not really.
Do you wear protection as often as you should?:
Well, since I'm in a relationship now, no I don't because I got tested, as did my partner and we both know we're clean. If I were to be in another relationship I would every time. Always use protection, always, always get tested after every partner and every 6 months, kids, its the only safe way.
Do you prefer to sleep with someone older or younger than you?:
I think maturity and compatibility are more important, but older.
Have you ever done bondage sex (chains,whips,etc.)?:
Yes.
Can you remember who gave you the best sex of your life?:
Yes. She's the first thing I see every morning.
If you could sleep with ANYONE, would would it be?:
You know, I have a "would" list, but I'm pretty happy with how things stand as they are. Okay, okay...as far as males go...I think Alexander Skarsgard is really pretty. Then again, i think he's gay, so that's off the options anyway, isn't it. As far as women celebrities go...you know...I don't know. Because a woman can be beautiful and I could still not enjoy her because of her personality. So I guess the safest bet would be Ellen Degeneres because I think she is both sweet and funny. I wouldn't say no to Tina Fey either, for that same reason.
There you go, kids. The ABC's of sex with me. Feel free to repost in the comments, or at your place, and let me know. If you feel like sharing. Or feel free to ask questions I might not have answered. I'm pretty well an open book.
AGxx
Friday, July 6, 2012
I Can't Control You, You Can't Control Me
Happy Friday everyone. I know that most of my friends are happy that its here, because that means its the end of the work week. I'm excited for all of you. You get a full weekend to rest and enjoy yourselves. Its a time to relax. For me, of course, I'm in the middle of my work week, so I won't be celebrating with you as you go into this weekend well rested and (for my American friends at least) having had an extra day off already.
I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.
First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.
I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.
Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.
This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.
I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.
A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.
Point taken.
Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.
She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.
The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)
I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.
So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.
Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to. I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"
I texted her back: Good.
Because it was.
AGxx
I've learned a lot about myself this week. It seems timely to me that this week is Independence week- the week where most Americans celebrate personal freedom. I say timely, because I've learned this week that the thing that keeps me from being free and independent most often is me. With Mr and Mrs Boss gone on vacation I've spent much more time this week working as a supervisor at Casa Bueno and I've learned a few things.
First, I should cut them way more slack than I do. I'm not saying I'm tough on them now, or that I think they aren't great managers, because they really, truly are. What I am saying is that there were times in the past where I wondered how it was they seemed stressed out all the time. I know now. Work is always a joy to me when I am working as a server or bartender. I have plenty of time to talk with my guests, my day is lined out with plenty of structure and I have a good time while I am there. Even normally when I supervise, I have a great time. For the most part, I love our staff. I love working with them, and I feel like they are very courteous and cooperative towards me. But I never really noticed all the tiny little things that stress out a manager on a day to day basis before now. Not really.
I mean, sure, have I supervised on busy days when the staff seemed unmotivated and the guests seemed bent on making life difficult? Sure. Have I worked on days when there were spills, mistakes and minor technical glitches? Absolutely. But spend a whole week being responsible for those things and your viewpoint is completely different. Who deals with crashing computers, cold food, high volume days that produce lots of stress for everyone? Who fixes broken light fixtures and thinks about how to deal with that bar guest that isn't hurting anyone, but doesn't seem quite right? Who makes the liquor orders, the soda orders, and makes sure new menus are being rolled out properly? Who deals with the possibility of brownouts because of issues in the local power grid and hornets nests outside the store in the parking lot? Mr and Mrs Boss- that's who. And after a week of it, I think I appreciate much more how hard they work.
Some days they come in and they say things like "I have to get this done today. I have to." and I think to myself, okay, so get it done. Not until this week did I appreciate that the more something needs to be done the more things will get in your way of getting it done. There is not a single second that goes by where someone or something doesn't need their attention. I don't know how much they make, but they deserve more, whatever it is. Because the two of them are saints for maintaining their composure and sanity on a day to day basis. They really are. I've managed an office before. I've managed a huge construction site full of headstrong workers and picketing union members. It was easier than running a restaurant.
This has led me to the second and third things I've realized this week. I am completely and totally stressed out (and its all my fault) and I am an absolute, complete, and total control freak. I was outside smoking with Tex, one of my coworkers (and one of our other supervisors) yesterday and we were talking about it. I told her I figured out that since I can recall, I've always dealt with my stress by increasing the control I have over the things that stress me out. Here's the rub- I can't control a damn thing in that restaurant. I can control how I act, and I can encourage people to act a certain way. But I have zero control over how my staff acts, who will come in the store, how they will behave, how they will respond to my staff, what mood everyone will be in, and how expertly my co-workers execute company policy. None. Zilch. This is very stressful when I know that as a supervisor, if they screw up, its me that's going to hear about it. And if I screw up, its Mr and Mrs Boss who get the raw end of the deal. I love them. They are wonderful people. And the idea of them being punished for things utterly beyond their control seems terrible. I wanted this week to be perfect and to run smoothly. I wanted them to come back and think of how lucky they were to have supervisors like me, Tex and Stalin to run the store in their absence, because we took care of things. As of today I am counting down the moments until they return and while I'll aim for perfection, I'll settle for survival.
I asked Kitchen Boss the other day how she dealt with it. She said that me and Mr. Kitchen Boss were exactly the same in that we wanted 100% all the time and that we expected perfection from everyone, including ourselves. I said to her, so you understand? And she said, no, not really. "I operate on a shit happens philosophy. Shit happens. Sometimes its your fault, sometimes it isn't. You have to move on and roll with the punches." It was a remarkable echo of Tex telling me that I needed to let the stress pass me by and move forward. I have to deal with it, because trying to control it will only make me crazy. She offered to help talk me down when I needed it. I appreciated that.
A brief segue where I tell you that because of all this stress Esbat this week snuck up on me. I totally did not remember until Tuesday that it was full moon. Cue me leaving off all my plans to relax and instead planning a lovely Esbat night for the coven so we could worship together. After ritual one of the things that we did together was make a Manifestation Board, which will hold pictures and writings of all the things we want to manifest in our lives. Sakura came over yesterday and we had dinner. I was sitting under the manifestation board and he laughed at me and told me to look up at the board and tell him what it said right over my desire to have "No More Migraines." It read: I don't need to stress out all the time.
Point taken.
Tex said something to me that was very telling yesterday afternoon. She said she had a quote that she framed and that she thought it would mean something to me. The gist of it was: Its easy to fall apart. Its even easier to fall apart when everyone else expects and understands why you would. But to stay together during times like that is what makes a soul truly strong.
She's right. That spoke to me. Of all the things that I consider my personal characteristics, strong would be in the top five. I may not be physically strong. I may not be healthy the way I would like. But emotionally, spiritually, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. There's been enough in my life that has forced me to be strong, I feel like it has become a part of me. I'm ashamed to think I haven't been as strong as I could this week. No, I haven't fallen apart...not at work anyway. But I've been far less able than I usually am to let things go and pay attention to the beautiful things in my life than I normally am. Shame on me.
The universe seems hell bent on teaching me patience and strength in its own way. I need it, in fact, this last holiday of ours I asked divinity for patience and discernment. I was stupid to think it would come in a nicely packaged envelope in my head, and I would somehow instantly acquire these things. No. I have to be taught them, and believe me when I say I am learning them now. I'm proud to be learning them now, and I look at all of this as a manifestation of something I asked for, even if I've only just realized it. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch on to the blessings we're sent, because we aren't looking for them in any package but that which is easy and simple and uncomplicated. I know better. Sometimes you must work very hard for even the blessings you expect will come quickly. (Serendipitously-I don't believe in coincidence- this last full moon was called the Blessings Moon. Too right.)
I am fortunate. This week, despite the unseasonably hot weather we're having - 100 plus every day- I've found ways to keep cool. Kitten and Oscelot surprised me with a little kiddie pool to splash around in, which they placed in the shade under my beautiful Hydra in the back yard. Sakura, Felix and Shorty have been there beside me all week, cheering for me and telling me its okay to be frustrated, upset or afraid- but that I can't let that keep me from seeing the good things I do. Mrs. Kitchen Boss and Tex have leveled me out and kept me from feeling like an utter failure. They have tempered my days with good humor and a bit of laughter- and in Tex's case, plenty of nicotine. I do get today as a day to serve instead of supervise. I get one break. I appreciate it, because its coming at the exact moment that I need it. Tex is my boss today, so I've got her at my back, pulling me through the crazy parts. I'll be first off tonight and my lovely wife has offered to meet me for dinner while we wait on Oscelot to get off work. Shorty and I are going shopping together tomorrow, which will be a good time.
So things really aren't as bad as I want them to be. I do have things to be happy about.
Yesterday when our electrician was in, he was pulling broken bulbs out of the chandelier in the front lobby and offered to replace them. I couldn't find the bulbs, which I had gotten out not two days prior, anywhere. I turned the store inside out looking for those things. I honestly didn't know where they had gotten to. I finally told him to come down off the ladder, I'd put them in whenever I found them. Last night as I sat down and began to eat with the girls and Sakura, Stalin texted me: "I found the lightbulbs"
I texted her back: Good.
Because it was.
AGxx
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